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KarenPayne

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Blog Entries posted by KarenPayne

  1. KarenPayne
    I am not one to call people on the phone which my mother knows all so well but when she calls we usually chat for between one and two hours. She lives on the opposite coast, 94 years old with the mind of a 40 year old which is truly amazing.
    Tonight we talked about some of my old girlfriends and she talked about some of her old boy friends back when she was 18 years old.
    One of the stories was when I was out and about with a few guy friends all night, came home and my father was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of coffee. He turned and looks at me and said "Debbie is waiting for you in your bedroom". Debbie was unlike most girls I had dated in my late teenage and early twenties. I met her at a bowling alley, she caught my eye big time while working the snack area. She came over to give food to a customer and I made some remark like "Hey girl", she flipped me the finger. Okay, challenge is on. I went back to her area and started a conversation which at one point turned into discussing billiards and if memory serves me correct started downing beers and getting a tad rude at her. She offered me a peace offering, a hot dog which I accepted but later regret-ed it because she had cooked it in a deep fryer. All in all some how that rocky started turned into a two year party between the two of us.
    Going back to the night when my father indicated she was in my bedroom, I went up to my bedroom, she was asleep so I got into bed with her. Next morning she had no clue where her clothes were so she slipped into some of my clothing. So that was that.
    Tonight when talking to my mother I mentioned Debbie. She said I remember that night, I was awake when she came in dressed with very little clothing, dressed as an American Indian, sat down with your father and produced a bottle of Jack, asked where I was, slugged back a few then without asking said she was going to bed, my bed. Well my father liked Debbie so he let her go up there.
    Then I hear the rest of the story, my father was a firemen and was listening to the fire/police scanner and head a call come across that the police were looking for a teenage girl dressed as Debbie was. My parents never told me this which all I could do was simply laugh.
    Is there a point here? Maybe, kind of. 
    All throughout my teenage years I was fixated on wild attractive females and never once stroke out. Years later I truly believe all these woman felt a male/female connection but did not realize it until later in the relationship which eventually ruined said relationship.
    Are you still with me (heck I am wondering myself lol)
    I find it interested to look back over some 40 years of adult life confused about my gender and now finally coming to terms with Karen so that the past does make sense where it did not many times which was at times mind blogging.
    I can let it all go now knowing the at least 90 percent of the woman I dated even back through high school know it was not who they thought I was and have come to terms with Karen. Now the funny thing is my 40th high school reunion is next month and the invitation went out to my male name which was crossed out and penned in Karen Payne    
    Thanks for sticking with me on this!
  2. KarenPayne
    Every once in a while I get tired around lunch time at work and luck that I park my car in the underground garage in my building. So I went down to take a nap and as I am falling asleep I am thinking it's been four months since gender reassignment surgery and started going back in time thinking, self-evaluating how life has been treating me. My conclusion was that there is nothing negative at all about me changing gender and little to no complaints in other aspects of my life.
    I believe one reason for me taking this journey back to January is because I made a commitment to my therapist that I would continue seeing her at least until my surgery anniversary date. This Friday will be my second visit with her since surgery, the first was right after returning home. Besides informing her that all is well I am going to indicate that I want to wait six months until another visit simply because how life is rolling along nicely now. I know full well that I can contact her in between visits so I always can reach out if for some odd reason things change.
    Knowing what I know it's important no matter how well life is going to have a life line to a therapist as life can take a down turn in a blink of an eye and wanted to stress this to others as we all deal with what life tosses us differently. What you thought was truth before hormone treatment therapy will be different say 12 to 24 months later. Heck this weekend I cried my eye's out while watching a movie, heck before hormones I will not had any emotional response at all. For someone else this could very well throw them into a depressive state of mind which may be difficult to pull out of so please keep a life line open to a therapist along your journey.  
    Lastly, keep in mind you are not alone, when there are feelings (dark feelings) of depression do not hold it within, find someone who will listen and by all means vent your feelings here in a blog entry. And don't watch depressing things on television and avoid drugs and drinking, they are temporary solutions that only cause less than great emotional and mental well-being. 
  3. KarenPayne
    Had one of those elevator discussions today, was waiting for the elevator and two female co-workers asked me what I thought about C Jenner, got that over with and then spilled over to “it’s a man’s world” which slid into my story of how after over ten years teaching firearm, impact and edge weapon self-defense that the main source of teaching dried up because of my transitioning. I also told them that perhaps in the back of my mind (and they agreed) I needed to teach and continually train because after transitioning it might take a down turn, which as I just mentioned it has.
    That is no different than many trans people who give up so much more and I feel fortunate that this is the only thing in my transitioned that suffered. With that, giving up teaching self-defense over more than a decade has left a huge hole in my world so I did indeed gave up a good deal.
    I have been thinking over the past few months once I am fully recovered it will be time to look at putting together a DVD teaching the basics of self-defense targeting the softer gender against the more powerful gender. Many instructors teach to the mass, meaning more to male vs male and only partly for females being attacked by males. My bet this has not been widely done but do know of three or four female instructors that teach this yet you need to be in training at their dojo and pay big bucks. My strategy is to look into a no frills approach which shows several common attacks and how to defend against them that does not rely on strength but instead body mechanics. Show the attack, dissect the attack and show in slow motion several times then at close to full speed how to counter the attack.
    Another idea I have is to take this on the road, perhaps get people in different states to ask their support groups if they would sponsor an eight hour class which would be low cost if I can get someone to host me for my stay and feed me. This way everyone benefits.
    The majority of techniques taught will be empty hand and will introduce people to the use of small flashlights and tactical pens to supplement their defense. For those who use a cane I am well versed in teaching self-defense with a cane.
    Note, besides the elevator chit-chat I received a new tactical pen manufactured by a fellow instructor I met back around 2004 in Florida during a master instructor week long class. Tactical pens are great tools for self-defense. One can pick up one on the low-end for about twenty-five dollars while mine generally are range from just under one-hundred to close to two-hundred dollars but the average person need not spend that kind of money for a good tactical pen. Also, tactical flashlights are great too for self-defense and in my honest opinion one should never leave home without a flashlight after dark which is something I discuss when teaching. Bottom line, scumbags despise the light, they enjoy preying on the weak and the innocent from the dark, they don’t want to be seen so I say “light them up”.  
    Note, I can not stress enough that having a tool with little training doubles your chances of escaping an attack. For me (and I have done this) I use them for defense, compliance and restraint. Once you see me with a simple pen against a large attacker and what can be done it generally inspires students with greater confidence.
    Some of my tactical pens and flashlights. Top pen is one I show for what not to carry as it has a point that can stab and we want not to stab but to hit places were skin is close to bone. Next two are my favorite, the second from top runs about $80 while the third from top is about $300. Fourth one down is about $25 and works great. Fifth down from the top I just got in the mail today runs $125. Last item is a flashlight which I carry 24/7 for both illumination and defense. On the right is a flashlight I carry when wearing a jacket and have a second one next to my bed. 

  4. KarenPayne
    My best female friend planned this morning to visit Macy's and Nordstrom's for me having a bra fitting. The first stop ended up at Nordstrom's where she knew one of the people there which has been fitting bras for almost ten year. As luck was on our side she was just finishing up with another customer so I was introduced to her and told her what I was looking for, an everyday bra with no underwire. She brought me back into a fitting room, had me take off my top and then measured me up. She then says I will be right back which was about five minutes. She came back with two nude color bras, tried the first one on which she had highly recommended made by Wacoal and it fit like a glove. I said no need to try the other one as they both look very similar. It was a very pleasant experience having this bra fitting and was grateful that total time spent from walking in to walking about was roughly thirty minutes.
    We then had lunch at Nordstrom's restaurant, excellent food and great service. We when spent another two hours shopping at Macy's and a few other stores then we hit my kryptonite, Victoria's Secrets where I just had to got in and ended up with five new thongs.
    Before we went shopping I hung out at her house with her two teenage children too. Her daughter was at odds with me transitioning for about a month and now even closer with her. Her son never had any issues so no problem there.

     
  5. KarenPayne

    Chat with mom

    By KarenPayne,

    My mother called last night to chat about photographs I had sent her of me (which I mentioned in a recent entry). She first asked who had done the packaging. I told her UPS and was hoping that all had arrived intact. She says, it took my bother a long time to open the package as it was packaged very well.

    She then studied the three framed pictures and came back with “you are right, I would not had recognized you” and that if you were to walk up to me and said nothing I would not recognize you.

    The next part gave me a smile when she said “I bet you get heads turning when you walk into a room” and I said I get some heads turning which I had not noticed but my best female friend tells me about men checking me out with a look that appears to be not about gender issues but that they are interested in me. Vanity, guess I have some hidden away laugh out loud.  With that in mind I noticed on my Facebook page there are 14 men following me and one recently wanting to date me. This man was first floored that I was once male but in his words could not live without me and girls that is a sign to stop this before it goes any farther.

    Somehow the conversation went into sex, not from me, by my mother. I am still getting use to conversing with my mother about sex which has come up several times since I transitioned.

    I remember once finding a picture of my mother when she was in her early twenties and wow, she was a knock out for sure.

    So at one point she mentioned having sex with several men over the years and one think I thought was funny when she said “is that all there is” where the man entered her and pretty much was done in seconds.

    When I hear about things like this I go back to when I was male. In my early years I could last a long time but was criminal in that I was not good at pleasing a woman fully meaning exciting her entire body. After separating from my former wife things changed and I was working woman’s bodies in loving making. Of course years later I realized I was performing more as a female, not using my penis so much. In the last two or three years I had issues keeping it up and believe it was not from not physically being able to but mentally was repulsed so much by my penis that it would not stay in play even with Viagra. My next to last girlfriend told me that she had eight good O’s (orgasms) from me. Fast forward to a year and a half ago when I told her about my transition she went back to that night and said, now I understand, it makes sense as you were in the role of a female not male.

    Any ways I told my mother about the above in another phone chat and she told me about some of her dealings in bed with men.

    The last thing we talked about was having me stay with her when I go out and visit this coming April.  The jury is still out if I will stay in a hotel or her place. I think staying in a hotel is best and can be with her three-quarters of the time but will wait and see.
    I do have to say that I am amazed that my mother, 92 years old so much enjoys chatting with me and throughout the chat kept bringing up how happy I appeared in the photographs.

     
  6. KarenPayne
    So I finally had intercourse today which upfront I told the man I was not interested in dating or a relationship as he is into me but he needed to know I am not letting this going any farther and he is fine being friends and having this time together today.
    I was very happy in regards to me able to accommodate him as he was larger than average so that means for those reading this that the larger dilator does allow for larger size penises. He did everything right to arouse me, took his time and I let him know I was ready (was kind of hard to miss me panting and so forth). Afterwards we laid there for a while embracing the moment.
    I still don't have much of any sensation inside but I do have a fair amount of sensation in regards to my clit. We went through various positions rolling around which was much more than I expected so that was a bonus.
    Right before leaving we agreed to do this again in a couple of months, something in the fall.
    Lastly, guess I am bi-sexual for the time being  
  7. KarenPayne
    I was watching a television show called "American Odyssey" where men in the show (in North Africa) are walking around in robes. I stopped and thought, wow, I have completely forgotten what it's like to have male parts swaying around between my legs and it has been just over four months since those parts went away. Now I can't fathom this at all, what was it like, nope, no memories. I think part of it was that after 2013 I was tucked 98 percent of the time as I could not bear to things moving around between my legs. I honestly thought about the above for a good 30 minutes and zilch.
    Thinking of my new breast, I am guessing in time the same will happen, can't remember what it was like to be flat chested.  
    In the end not remembering things from the past is yet more closure  
  8. KarenPayne
    As many know, I had this performed with my gender reassignment surgery. I was told it would take about one year for full transparency and at three months post surgery I had this one tiny bump that had been bothering me. Well today I was wiping my neck from sweating as it's just under 100 degrees here and it dropped off with no visible telltale signs that is was even there.
    Just like any surgery these things take time and so happy that this happened now rather than down the road. 
    This goes along with my (use to be) un-favorite topic of dilation which today is a walk in the park. Sadly I have heard there are some who paid for gender reassignment surgery that are interested in men that fail to listen to surgeon's instructions to dilate and learn to late that things close up and not usable.
    Back to tracheal shave, ever time I look in the mirror or at pictures of myself in recent times vs prior to the shave it makes all the difference in the world, a second only to a decent female voice. So if you have a protruding Adam's apple and going for gender reassignment surgery I highly recommend having this procedure done.
    Check out pre and post photos here http://marcibowers.com/mtf/mtf-services/tracheal-shave/
     
  9. KarenPayne
    I had nothing on my agenda today so off to the mall to browse around. After entering the mall through Macy's my phone rings, look down and it's my son. So I answer the phone and he says "happy father's day". We chat, here ask how things are going in Oregon (he is in California). I did the usual, everything is fine then tell him about my transition.
    My expected response did not come which would be something like "why" but instead he asked questions which I answered and he seems fine with what I am doing. I told him that everyone knew except for him as I was not sure how it would be taken. At one point in the conversation I ask if it would be alright if I could come down and visit and he is fine with me coming down.
    Usually are chats are about ten minutes but after getting off the phone this call was almost an hour and only part of the discussion was about me while the remainder was about what he was up to and other family members. In regards to other family members, both him and he's sister chat on average once a month and she went and visited him last summer for a week.
    So I am very optimistic that I have a strong connection to both of my children now which is fantastic.
    In retrospect I was not looking forward to "the" talk about me transitioning and happy it was done now this way.
    UPDATE After the phone call I sent him a picture of me but did not hear back then remember him saying he was off to work after done talking. So two hours later I get a text message back in response to the picture that was all positive.
      
  10. KarenPayne

    Girls night out

    By KarenPayne,

    Several months ago I mentioned being invited for a girl’s night out at work but never materialized until last night. We planned on five of us meeting at a nice upscale local bar inside of a prestigious hotel at 5PM while myself and one other of the woman started early at 3:30PM. The two of us chatted about of all things manicures and pedicures for about thirty minutes until another of the ladies arrived at around 4PM followed by a third not soon afterwards while the last one arrived at 5PM.
    While four of us where there one said think of this as Vegas, what happens and is said here stays here. So that lead into various chats about other people at work which where both positive and negative. After several drinks were consumed things got way crazy and fun. I told them a story about one of my co-workers whom I have been working with for 18 years who still calls me Kevin purely by accident now and then. He did this over the past two days and with two new people in our group so it came to a head and I said to the new employees, guess you figured out what’s going on. They looked up and said no. I said prior to January of this year I was male. Got the typical response, I had no idea. When finished telling the story to the ladies they said if they were in the new employees shoes they would not had guessed I was male before. Next thing I see, it’s almost 8PM so myself and two others leave while the last two are waiting for rides from their husbands.
    I love the next part, I am wearing all black, top and skirt and while walking out of the bar I am getting men turning to look at me and just before exiting the bar one man gives me a nice big smile. Walking out I realized that one does not simply get looks at that moment but would guess they had been looking at me while sitting down with my friends. That was indeed a good feeling to be noticed this way.
    So I will chalk this up to a great evening.
     
     
  11. KarenPayne

    Life moments

    By KarenPayne,

    Bunch of things I like to get out there but are too short really for multiple blog entries

    Went for a long overdue pedicure yesterday where I always have a good time. My lady told me that not only my facial features were female but complimented me on my overall physical appearance and said that all the ladies that work there agreed. Now I was going to get a color matching my fingernails but decided on French nails for my toes after seeing the customer next to me up until one of the other employees sat down next to me and got the color shown above and let me tell you it became a struggle similar to being indecisive like many of my mornings are after picking out what to wear five million times. Since I could not make the decision two of them said I should get this color as they said my eye's really opened up after seeing this color and let me tell you the photo does not do the color here justice.  
    One of the things I had to be concerned with un-like in my prior identity was to figure out how to weaponize myself (some say I am a weapon lol) when wearing little to nothing as in this image below, Since there are no pockets I found myself what is called a paddle holster which slips on, in this case to my skirt and when using the restroom can be easily detached and placed either besides me or on the toilet paper dispenser. Some days I do miss not having pockets but with a little ingenuity it all works out being concealed by a loosely draped cardigan. 
    We all would like to believe that violence will not come to you but sadly trans* and gay etc are much more susceptible to violence then the cis-gender people and in my honest opinion better to be safe than sorry.

    Next item, over the past month I have been getting the strangest cravings, first, about three weeks ago got into kitkat candy were I can't even begin to remember the last time I had one, maybe 20 years ago. After a week and about four extremely large packages the urge died. Last week an this week it's potato chips, have to force myself from not dipping into them first thing in the morning, oh how I can't wait until this passes. Yeek, now I know how pregnant woman feel.
    Then there is a glorious event, I have gone (in the beginning) from gobs of lubricant for dilation to cutting it in half then cutting it in half again to zero lubrication jelly to smearing it on my middle finger and I can slide the large dilator right in. Matter of fact if I open my legs the dilator will slowly pop out unlike a month ago it would stay in place. So with that I have three eight oz and six four oz containers of lubrication jelly that is going to take forever to go through now.
    Lastly, getting ready to head off to my electrolysis session for work on my underarms. Thought I would not worry about this area but since breast augmentation it's almost impossible to shave at the lower-area to get all the hairs. Last month was the first time for this and we agreed to work the majority on one side. Any ways can't wait till this is done
      
     
  12. KarenPayne
    Unfortunately at the time of my transition was when my sister developed a fatal cancer and could not bring myself to fly east to see her one last time. My impression was we have a decent brother sister relationship but after her passing my mother told me I was more to her than what I had imagined. I so regret not being stronger and just gone to see her. Please don't let something like this ever happen to you.
    Since then I have been thinking of getting a tattoo of an owl which was something she was into but for a multitude of reasons never did get a tattoo of an owl.
    Today I was walking in one of the more popular malls and spotted a Pandora store which I later learned was the only one in the greater Portland area. I asked if they had a owl charm and they did so I had them set me up with a bracelet and charm. So now as I see it I wear a token to remember my sister by on my wrist.
    I miss you Suzy

  13. KarenPayne
    For a while now I have been wanting to get involved in the LGBT community teaching practical self-defense and if there is an audience to teach advance self-defense. With that said if anyone is aware of groups or events for 2016 that I can contact or they can contact me please let me know be in East or West Coast.
    I have a strong background teaching practical empty-hand and impact tactics along with firearms if the need is there I can even combine class and get into walking cane and baton tactics also. 
  14. KarenPayne

    Nice butt baby x 2

    By KarenPayne,

    This afternoon I was talking to a female friend showing off my Miata and this guy looks out the car window and says yells to me and says "nice butt", had to be me because my friend was facing the other direction.
    Then the other day my neighbor tells me her husband saw me walking down the street but did not know it was me and said she has a nice butt then she goes, that's Karen.
    Funny in that I never got this before and know full well that taking hormones has zero effect on how one's butt looks so not sure why all of the sudden I am having men yell to me about my butt. What I can say even thought I am not into men that it's feels great getting these complements and is a confidence builder if nothing else. 
    On a side note my friend whom I was with today purchased a new BMW sports car, seems that I was the fire to ignite her to purchase the new car. I think for the money my car was a better bang for the buck but will never tell her that as she spent $50,000 and I spent $30,000. In these matters best to simply compliment and leave it at that.
  15. KarenPayne

    Microsoft MVP

    By KarenPayne,

    For the second year I have been awarded the MVP (Microsoft Valuable Professional) where out of roughly two million candidates Microsoft picks 3,000 people were I have been honored twice.
    Last year I was awarded as my old male identity and this year as my current female identity.
    Each year those who have been awarded MVP go to a summit in Washington State where Microsoft pays for your room and whatever you need for an entire week that takes up at the very least two hotels and utilizes four hotels for conferences. I did not make it last year but will this year. Microsoft only pays full room cost if you share a room but they are allowing me to have my own room with a letter from my doctor indicating I need to dilate each day and that a room mate more likely then not would not be comfortable with this. Rooms are almost 500 USD per night and if not for Microsoft having a medical clause I would have to pay half the bill so I am happy to have to pay anything at all. Kudos to Microsoft.
    Any ways one of the benefits of being a MVP is all software produced by Microsoft is free to the awardees, that is a gold mine.
    It's not easy at all to get this award and did work hard between transitioning and doing what was needed to keep the MVP status.
    A point to be made is when one transitions there is a great deal to juggle besides surgery which is important to keep in mind else one can get lost in life. Best to be prepared in all aspects of your life, not just the surgery.   
  16. KarenPayne

    Casual sex

    By KarenPayne,

    Well as most know it's not easy to meet someone even as cis-gender. I know from when I was male and attempted to lead that life. Pretty much had a girlfriend after my divorce from 2000 to 2012 but the majority of them were in another town, Portland which is a 20 minute drive or out in the sticks, closer but not much better. I always wanted to have a relationship with a female that was close to home but that never happened. I was not into casual sex but wanted to be in some type of relationship.
    From 2012 until three months or so ago I realized the same thing was true, hard to find a man or female close by that I was attracted too and could speak intelligent, hold a decent conversation.
    So over the past month I have been "playing the field" for both genders. I found one female that I get along fine with and the same with one man. 
    Had to weed out a lot of people just to find these two and not fully committed to either one, guess I am a tad bit picky and have the right to be.
    I met a man last night at a bar, and I was horny and was not looking for anything past a casual encounter. Well I really hit the jackpot with this one, he was such a gentleman the entire night. Went back to his place and was taken back a bit to see his package, I did not measure but think it was eight inches and safe to say I made sure he made good use of it several times.  He was the first man that know more than three positions and was very happy about that along with my pleasure came first. After the first go-around I laid there pleasuring myself which in turn got him ready again and it was great yet another time. 
    Oh, with a long penis comes a wider penis and I had zero issues other than the length at some points was hitting against the back wall but what would a girl to think a eight inch penis is going to make it back there without knocking the back wall which is why other positions are good for a penis that length. Girls, in this case size did matter, especially width as I have little sensation there and a ton of sensation in my clit that can keep going and going, makes my body shake and toes curl in a great way.
    I should mention that after telling him about my past it was not a problem. He did say at first, you are playing a joke on me, I can't believe you were once male. I feel it's important to disclose to someone that you might get intimate with about one's past but if not and never plan too than mums the word.   
  17. KarenPayne
    I just watched the video below which some might think is boring yet in my mind is well worth the time and energy to sit down and watch. They talk equally to M-F and F-M. There are many who think they have it rough today but I believe after watching this video you will think differently.
    One transgender, April, she is the epitome of making the right decision and is gorgeous to boot. I did learn that in a James Bond movie there was a transgender  and is was very hot. Of course not all transgender can be hot but it's nice to see some just the same.
     
     
  18. KarenPayne
    Seems Comcast has taken down all personal web sites without notifying me and this is were I stored pictures. The majority of these pictures are only stored there. So all pictures I have posted here will not show.
    I called into Comcast and at this point they are clueless but I did a Google search and it appears that they discontinued the personal web sites yet the Comcast help desk person has no clue to this.
    PISSED BIG TIME
    Just got off the phone with Comcast and they said they would have a tech look into this. If I can get my images back I will purchase space on a provider's site that will allow me to create a home page along with having the ability to provide links to images so that they can be viewed on other sites such as this one. I am not holding my breath here, just wishful thinking that they can get me my images.  
  19. KarenPayne
    I had several free hosting of web sites on Comcast for many years that worked great but two weeks ago was told someone could not access the site. So I contacted their customer support via phone and got nowhere. Called again, no luck, visited the local office, no luck. Went to their forums and posted a question, how can I get to my files as some were not backed up locally.
    A member contacted me who seems to know a great deal about this and said you may be out of luck but said to try another member which I did. The other member got me in contact with a level 1 tech (they are nearly impossible to get a hold of and she sent me an email indicting to link in links provided and download the files.
    My point in writing this here is sometimes one needs to not give up even when a call to customer services tells you that those file servers are long gone. This is not the first time I had to keep going and persist with issue with Comcast but 99 percent of the time this is not the case.
     
    NOTE it is going to take time for me to edit blog post I have here that had pictures from the Comcast site to make them display again but will be doing so once I have a new host.
    TESTING: The image below was posted to Microsoft OneDrive then embedded here.
     
     

  20. KarenPayne
    I remotely remember writing this and that it might take a while for them to decide to publish it but today I received an email indicating they had published it.
    Personally the reason was not to shed light on me but to show others what is possible else I just assume be private about this.
    http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/projects/storywall/transgender-today/stories/karen-payne
     
  21. KarenPayne

    Interview at Microsoft

    By KarenPayne,

    Several weeks ago I attended a week long summit at Microsoft for MVP recipients of just under 3,000 people and out of the 3,000 less than five percent were female. The woman on the far right is a Microsoft employee that has a section on what is called Channel 9 (part of Microsoft) that is devoted to to females as developers and innovators in the field. We met in passing at the beginning of the week then the next day she asked me to participate in a interview. She actually got the majority of females to participate so she segmented us into groups of three so she could get all of us on camera.
    There was around 20 minutes cut from the video which did not fit into the topics that were all girl talk and some other topics which all I can say is "what happened in the room stayed in the room".
    Going in I did not indicate I was once male but at one point it made sense in that my old male mindset could contribute to the conversation. If you watch the video note there is no surprise and that the women doing the video said she would had never guessed it. Afterwards the two woman on my right said they had no clue until I said my former life was of a male.
    The woman with the short hair is a lesbian which I learned from her becoming a Twitter friend and also from chatting with her on a Microsoft bus headed back to a building where the main events were being held.
    After watching the video I was not happy with my posture and voice (voice was okay but needs more work) but then again we are our worst critics. On a side note as planned two years ago I have made an appointment with a voice therapist in January to work on my voice. I chatted with the therapist several weeks ago, we discussed her plans with me, she has worked with trans people before. An hour time is $70-90, a sliding scale. I indicated to her that my goal was to not strive for the best but to strive for acceptable for what I am capable of without pushing the limits.
    On a comical note, the little rubber figures on the table may seem odd but they are given out to people who had been interviewed and well sought after so I cherish mine.
  22. KarenPayne

    Just had a thought

    By KarenPayne,

    I was reading another blog post that lead to another off-site post and just had this epiphany that be it wrong or right to think this way but I don't consider myself transgender for a long time now but never actually came to terms in writing before. I go through my daily life as any other female would. Heck today I spent an unGodly amount of money on makeup today, 64 dollars. When I got to the counter I must of had  a face that begged to ask me "is your day going okay?: I said up to now, jeez, never realized how much makeup cost and I only purchased it for an event tomorrow and will never use it again NO wait I will because it cost so much. Last time I wore makeup was over 15 years ago. So I went home and spent an hour with the makeup. Then I remember at my best friend's house yesterday she said her daughter spends hours on doing her face, I said, not me, never. Baaaahhhh look at me today, eyeshadow, foundation, top and powder and lipstick. Came out well but then I learned it takes a good deal of time taking it off but that didn't bother me because "I am a girl" and the process was well worth the effort experimenting as I did my eye's twice.I remember back 15 years ago I would impatient doing my makeup but now I am content taking time to get it right but 64 dollars yeek. 20 dollars was spent on one brush alone but worth it (I guess).
    Anyways as I look back to before GRS and now lots of little things have changed and now taking notice of them. Girls my guess is that some of you will travel down the same path, one day stuck in the wrong body and flash you are sitting in a chair legs in the proper place, hands cupped then someone says something that invokes an emotion and one hand goes to your chest then you mutter a gasp followed by your hand covering your mouth delicately. It might dawn on you later that oh my god I am where I should had been all my life.  
  23. KarenPayne

    What a twist

    By KarenPayne,

    Facebook did it's thing and did a life event for my ex-wife as seen in the snapshot below. The first reply is her sister (whom I am actually friends with on Facebook) and the second her. Of course she married me but not as Karen lol.
     
  25. KarenPayne

    Socializing

    By KarenPayne,

    I have meet our moderator here (the week after GRS where she took me out for a great dinner in California), only member that I have meet in person but had the pleasure to chat with several members here in the past where one member setup a conference call each Saturday.
    Although the conference calls did not last long I think they were an excellent idea as vocalizing verses writing is vastly different. I am hoping to meet two members here in person (and would like to meet more), one in the US and one in the UK, both know who they are when reading this. 
    Just received a request to meet up with a member of another site (not nearly as good as this site) this afternoon. This member has been around for a long time and expect from reading her post this should be an excellent get together. Oh, and I told her I expect to hit the Pandora store while at this mall.
    With that, I am curious if other members have met up with other members here?
    Any on a similar note in regards to meeting people, this morning my best friend's daughter ask if I would be there with her and her mother to pick out her prom dress. I am so excited so has asked me.
     
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