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WarrenG

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Blog Entries posted by WarrenG

  2. WarrenG

    The Papers

    By WarrenG,

    I got busy doing something here at home and completely forgot to post a blog >.<
    Forgive me!  You know I love you all and would never forget you! Just the blog......  
    So it was a while ago, and I dont remember if I showed you all, but here goes nothing.
    I finally got my letter
    Now, I'm still working on getting a simular letter form my ex-therapist, Joan. Along with a copy of my file. But she's been increasingly stubborn on the subject and they still have not sent one, even after me paying to print out a release form, sign it, and drive it over to them. BUT, on another hand, I have something for the Gender Therapist and Surgeons. Next time they want to throw the "you have to go on hormones" thing in my face, I'll have back up.

    "Do I need to be on testosterone in order to have top surgery?"
    "Top surgery does NOT require Hormones. Many of the patients over the years have not been on hormones and never plan on taking hormones. A male contour can still be achieved"
     

     
    So, HA! TAKE THAT YOU BULLSHITTER!!
    Cant pull the wool over MY eyes!
    Oh yeah, and here's weezie lol shes feeling much better!

     
    Your bud,
    Warren
  3. WarrenG

    It's been a while...

    By WarrenG,

    Hey guys...I know, right? Been a long time...I havent felt like blogging lately. I even skipped out on my youtube videos because I felt like...I dont know. Like they're not going anywhere. Not doing any good I guess? I'm at a loss
    I'm back into that feeling like....nothing I do, does any good. All my waiting for surgery and help is wasted. All my optimism and hoping is falsified.
    I'm really....really at a loss you guys.
     
    I broke my cut-free streak again. I couldnt help it...I've tried so long and so hard to stay away from the blades but it just...got to me. Again. Dont get me wrong, I love my new job! I do, I really really do! But being misgendered all the time...it hurts. Probably more than it should, but it hurts regardless. I feel like I'm doing nothing with my life. That I'm just sitting here wasting away. I dont enjoy doing anything anymore. My intentions with youtube and blogging was to help others thrive and 'be okay' but how the hell am I supposed to do that when I cant do it myself? When every attempt I make seems to just....disappoint? Not even disappoint other people but disappoint myself.
    I've started to avoid the FTM top-surgery group I'm in. It's just so....sooooooo so so SOOOO depressing to see all these people posting their post-op photos and how happy and proud they are...and I'm stuck where I am. I'm sitting here suffering, mentally and physically, in my female body. I can deal with not having bottom surgery. F***, I'd be okay if my bust size was like.....a B. Or even a C, maybe. Because I'd be able to hide them better. But this? A 44DDD? It's unbarable!
    The binding has started to really really take it's toll...

    And nothing I do seems to help. It makes me want to cry every time I squeeze into it again because it hurts. It hurts so bad and it limits my breathing so much, and my back feels like it's about to collapse every time I remove it because it's compressed the muscles and whatnot for so long during the day. Not even to mention the heat and sweating and unbarable dehydration I keep fighting because of wearing it! I just....I cant take it! It's driving me crazy...
    I have my consultation on the 1st of September. I'm so close but so very far...I've already told my boyfriend.
    "Justin...if they tell me no, and insurance wont touch it...you'll need to keep an eye on me. Because I cant promise that I'll take it well."
    And its the truth...I know I wont. I can promise that I wont. This is so amazingly frustrating and painful and mentally disabling that if they tell me no...if they say we wont pay for it, you cant have it done, you'll have to deal with it and keep binding...I dont know how much longer I will last.
    This has literally become a do or die situation. I just...I cant...
    I dont know what to do...
    Warren
  4. WarrenG
    I'm not really sure if this is allowed or if I will be in trouble for this later, but I wanted to try. I havent many others to talk to right now, and I'm about to do a bit in my/our journal as well to let him know that this is being done. I know this may seem very strange to some of you, or all of you, but I feel as if I will go insane if I do not make my presence known to at least those within this site. Facebook is not a good place for me I believe. At least, most parts of Facebook. And I am not comfortable making my presence known to many within that site due to fear of rejection or possibly disbelief in my existence. I am not sure why this particular site seems more comfortable, but it is at the present time and I'm sure if needed....This blog post may be deleted at a later date if it is so desired.
    I believe that Ren has expressed his knowledge of myself although I do think that he has perhaps kept himself in denial to it, in fear of seeming a "freak". I assure him that this situation does not render him as such but of course, in this generation, appearance and mentality seems to be the root of reputation. I suppose this is a sort of experiment to see how my "coming out" will render in his life or if I should simply remain his ghost.
    But I wanted to introduce myself regardless, on the off chance that I happen to assist in his writing and the manner of speaking seeming rather odd for his personality. To at least clear up a little confusion as to his "style" of writing if and when it is occasionally altered. As he has become more and more aware of my existence, he has surprisingly been more willing to allow me participation in daily activities. So I expect to, hopefully, become more acquainted with this "family" within Transgender Guide.
     
    My name is Alexandru Dorian Vlk. I am twenty three years of age, male by all available descriptive purposes considering our outter shell, and yes; I am perfectly in agreeance to the status of being transgender. Although I do not personally identify as transgender myself as it is rightfully Warren's shell and not my own. I am merely a tenant. I am open to conversation and available to answer any questions, and I accept the pronouns of masculinity and the shortnames of all Alex, A, and A.V. Please do not believe me a figment of created imagination, as I do fully assure you otherwise,though your beliefs are of your own and I am not one to try and sway you from them. I am simply, as I previously stated, making myself known. I do greatly hope that this will not cause any unintended chaos or disruption, as it is not something in my wishes.
    If I am to contribute to this blog, if it is so allowed by Ren, then I will initial or sign with my own name at the beginning of paragraphs so that you may dissociate my thoughts and the such from Warren's. This is a bit new to myself as I am not normally allowed to front, but it is something that I intend to practice, if only in private if it is so desired. I want to brush up on my typing and writing skills, and perfect' my shorthand in due time.
     
    Matka vám žehnaj ,
    A.
  5. WarrenG

    My outlets

    By WarrenG,

    I went to see my doctor again today, simply for a check in or a check up on my medications and what not.
    Normally I'm very nervous about seeing the doctor. I had a lot of health issues I were dealing with and always worried about 'getting in trouble' with my doctor. Granted, I love her to pieces, and she cares more than any other doctor I have EVER had. But in the same aspect, shes not afraid to tell me how it is, and boot me in the butt for not taking care of myself.
    When I finally told her about the self harm, she were not only concerned, but angry with me for not telling her to begin with. She gave me plenty of ideas of helping myself, and sent me off with a parting threat. "If you dont realize how special you are and nip this problem in the butt, I'll find you even more help than what I can give you, and you will not like it. I promise."
    I knew what the 'more help' was. I'd heard about it plenty enough. Mental Help Ward at the hospital.
    NO. THANK. YOU.
    ANYWAY.....after being lectured about weight and this and that..I was really nervous to go back to the doctors today. I'd been working really hard at behaving and eating right and whatnot, and this monday (10/20/14) will be my THIRD WEEK of no self harm. Which, for anyone who's struggled with it, knows thats a HUGE deal for me.
    I took the steps to protect myself and even handed over my instruments, and informed two people of where I were getting these items...so they could remove them for good. It was hard, but I'm glad I did. Because in a desperate need for relief, I went looking for where I get my normal tools. And found nothing but air. So I were forced to cope. And as horrible as it was that day, I'm glad for it.

    To find another way to deal with my growing anxiety and gutwrenching depression, I turned to my skills, as my doctor instructed. Drawing, music, and writing.
    I have started to RP (roleplay, in form of book writing paragraph by paragraph with another participant. In this case, my good friend Destinee who has been nothing but awesome and caring) on my ipod during work to distract me from the stressful reminder that I'm surrounded by hundreds of people all day. (I work at a college dining hall as a chef) And though I'm not supposed to be on my ipod, everyone assumes I'm just changing music, or know I do it for my anxiety, and no one has told me not to. Yet. Here's hoping they wont.
    When I cant RP, or when I'm not in the mood, I draw. I have a designated book which I have dubbed "My Blade Book".

    On the back, I have written my favorite quotes in marker. I'll share them with you
    "To Thine Own Self be True" by shakespeare
    "Without struggle, there is no progess" by Fredrick Douglas
    "The Good die young, but the greatest survive" by My Chemical Romance
    "We've come a long way since that day, and we'll never look back at the faded silhouettes" Avicii
    "One final fight for this tonight" Black Veil Brides
    "Yes, sir. I'm one of a Kind" G-Dragon
    "It's my party, I'll do what I want. So while you sit and watch me, I'll keep dancing" Jessie J
    "Dont lose who you are in the blur of the stars. Seeing is decieving, dreaming is believing. ITS OK NOT TO BE OK. Just be true to who you are" Jessie J

    On the inside covers I have (Front) Blade Free Book. Draw, dont scar. F*** the world, live for you. The good die young but the greatest survive the stereotype. Dont just be "Another boy without a sharper knife"
    (Back) "Sometimes its hard to follow your heart. Tears dont mean you're losing, everybody's bruising. Just be true to who you are. Theres nothing wrong with who you are" by Jessie J, my favorite artist.
    I draw whatever comes to mind, be it angry faces or just something to calm me. And honestly.....it helps. A LOT.
    ANYONE going through what I have been, should consider this. Find a book, any old book. Write your name on it. Cover it in quotes that inspire and soothe you, and just put what you feel in it. Use it as your own personal outlet. And if you feel brave enough, share it with someone. It helps me a lot.

    Aside from my Blade Book, I blog. Why? Because it helps.
    I have a physical social anxiety disorder. To put it simply, I cant deal with talking to people.
    Face to face, in physical contact, I just cant handle it. I get frustrated, flustered, uneasy, anxious...you name it. On here....I feel so blessed, I must say.
    I can blog and vent and talk about my whole transgender journey...and not be judged. I dont have to spend all night deleting harmful and negative comments, and it is sooooooo so soothing to know that I dont have to worry about who is reading my blogs. Because even though to me this is more like a diary, I can take comfort in the fact that I'm not keeping it to myself. I'm sharing, and maybe....MAYBE even helping someone else like me, who is reading it and realizing...they're not alone. That someone out there is going through things JUST like them.
    I love the fact that I can talk about anything on here without editing out some parts so I dont offend someone, because I know everyone on here who reads this is nothing but supportive and caring and trusting. I cannot possibly express how appreciated it is.

    But, I got severely side tracked, as always. THE DOCTOR VISIT!
    So, the outcome: I have lost 15 pounds since my last visit (which my doctor was over the top excited about ) and I have no new self harm wounds (which she also got super excited about lol) and I told her about all the different things I've been doing as outlets instead. The writing and drawing and whatnot. Also the tattoo idea was supported greatly, her words being "Out of Sight, Out of Mind. You dont see it (scars), you wont think about it. Plus with something beautiful there, you wont want to wreck it!" Which I agreed with 100000%. Though its waiting till the end of november because its sort of expensive. She urged me to try and lose another 15pnds by the end of janurary (GAME ON! Right...after....this bowl of icecream. HEY I DESERVE IT DARN IT!) And to keep up my hard work of resistance. Hell. Yes.
    First time I've left the doctors with a smile on my face
    Alrighty world, I'm done ranting and raving.
    Even my crappy night at work couldnt push away my happiness of a silly doctors visit.
    I'm on a roll, darn it!
    -Warren
  6. WarrenG

    Attitude Strikes Again

    By WarrenG,

    After my last post/blog, I figured it would be a good idea to give an update.
    No, I were not fired. But I almost was. I went in and talked to my boss about it, and explained that I'd had an anxiety attack, which I'm prone to have. We talked it through and I assured him it wouldnt happen again unless nessesary, and I would tell them next time if I needed to leave.
    He accepted, and I was allowed to work.
    I were on my best behaviour all day, or as best as I could.
    Sometimes theres days when things are so hectic and chaotic, you dont have time to think! But yesterday was so slow, I thought I'd fall asleep. There was no food to prep, no chores to be done, and nothing to do aside from 'look busy or go home'. Which is really hard to do when there's nothing to be done. So I literally crawled under the counters wiping up dust off the shelves, just so they 1)couldnt see me 2)looked busy.

    I kept busy mentally with thinking things through and trying to keep myself calm, listening to music and thinking about the books I'm writing. It all seemed fairly good at the time.
    Then....it happened.
    I were standing on the other side of my counter refilling the serving stations (its set up buffet style) when one of the dish girls comes up to my counter.
    I was friendly and smiled with a "Hey, hows it going?"
    Her response? "Hey! So, I hear you've been spreading lies about me like a b****"
    Um.....what?
    Okay, backtrack to the highschool drama. "Jo" is the french student currently calling me a lying b****. "Britt" is a newer girl. Britt needed a locker. Management gave her one, no problem. Apparently said empty, filthy locker was previously Jo's locker. Jo got pissed, started ranting, left angry letters on the locker...ending in Britt moving her stuff to another locker to share with another coworker. I figured it was done and over with. Apparently not.
    "What lies? If I'm spreading lies, I'd at least like to know what I'm supposably saying" I told her.
    But she shrugged and walked off. I'm sorry, but I dont like Drive By Accusations.
    So, I went to find her.
    Me being a stubborn pain in the ***, I dont let things like that go easily.
    I found her, and confronted her with a "Do you want to talk about this here, or go outside? Because we ARE going to talk about whatever the hell that was."
    She tries pushing me around and giving me a sobstory, which I deflected quiet easily with facts about what she were saying herself were the only things I had repeated, so in turn did that mean she as lying to begin with?
    I confronted her calmly and told her "If you had taken me aside and said 'hey can we talk about something?' then I would have been fine with that. Let's talk. But when you come up to me, on the front line, in front of all those people the way that you did, saying what you did....It's inappropriate and it was NOT appreciated. You want to talk about this like an adult, then be an adult. Talk. But dont do it in front of students, dont do it in front of other coworkers. This is not a competition for drama and this is not a popularity contest. You want to accuse me of something, then get your facts straight and dont walk off like a coward. If you're going to throw things in someones face, at least stick around to see their reaction."
    I didnt hit, I didnt touch her, I didnt swear. I thought I handled it rather well, for me anyway.
    Just saying.

    IN OTHER NEWS:
    I have officially been signed up for a councilor/ phsyciatrist for my gender related issues and anxiety disorder. I'm awaiting a phonecall once they pair me up with one, and will do the paperwork when I get there.
    I'm glad it's set up, but nervous as hell. Got to admit, I almost dont want to go.
    I've had nothing but people trying to convince me for so long that this is a phase, and even I have to question it sometimes. But deep down, I know theyre wrong. But that little fear in me cant help but worry that maybe it's just in my head.
    I know people say "if you know in your heart that it is what it is, then it is". But what if I dont know what my heart is saying, because its too overclouded by what everyone else says? I'm just worried that they'll look at me and say "Nope, you're fine. It's stress/depression related, and we cant help you. You'll have to stay the way you are"
    Besides, me talking face to face with someone about my feelings?
    Not gonna go well.
    Think I'm going to go bury my head in some cement.
    Warren
  7. WarrenG
    Did you know that the MTF to FTM percentage is 2.5 versus one?
    In the 1990s-2002, the estimated count for transgendered MTF was 14,000-20,000, versus the 1,000-8,000 FTM.
    Of course the numbers HAVE changed since that time, but the ratios stayed about the same. MTF transgenders greatly outnumber the amount of FTM individuals.
    I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure if we'll ever really know. But the point is, finding any form of anything for a transgender is usually limited down to MTF.

    I've done some research in attempts to figure out estimates on surgery costs, and sadly I keep hitting dead ends at times, being told they "only treat Male to Female cases" and that they dont know much about "female to male cases". I find that rather frustrating.
    Why are there so few resources for Transguys? All the medical clinics in my local area within driving reasons only offer surgical advice or support to Male to female.
    Not that I dont support the MTF, because I totally do! You gals need just as much help as us guys, and I'm totally cool with that. But I hate being so limited. It doesnt seem very fair :/
    In the journey to even finding a therapist to chat with about being transgendered, I'd had to tell them that I'm "FTM" because theyve tried to put me with a MTF-only help aid. Though I'm sure that the therapy and whatnot is basically the same, it seems that the percentage of people who help in those sorts of things are generally MTF-only rated. Theres not many who specify on BOTH genders and not just transchicks.

    Any of you guys out there who are like me and find yourself constantly being turned away because you're a transguy not a transgirl or simply crossdressing, or being assumed you're simply Lesbian for the way you dress or act (which is totally stupid btw), you'll know what I mean when I say "WHAT THE F---!?"
    Someone once told me (not sure how true it is) that there are more MTF because of a genetic percentage while in the womb. That biological-male children can/do recieve high loads of female hormone from the mother/host, and that plays a large part of the whole transgender process. But biological-female children can only get testosterone/male-hormone from some other source, which makes it more rare to occur. Which makes sense, when you think about it.
    When a woman has a child, sometimes the hormones from the previous birth or sibling can stay in the womb or whatnot, and linger for the next child. That's why a lot of siblings have very simular features sometimes. It's not just the same mother, its some of the same hormones.
    I have an older sister ahead of me, but my mom was also very prone to miscarriages.
    Between me and every one of my four siblings, there were at least two to three miscarriages.
    Between me and my older sister, there were three. One female, and two male.
    Maybe I got high levels of extra hormone from the two male children that were never born?
    I'm not sure how true this whole theory is. Some medical student told me about it, and it seemed to make sense to me at the time.

    POINT IS:
    As discouraging as it is to be part of a failing percentage of transgendered, the world hasnt ended.
    Yes, most of the transgender help that you seek out will be generally populated towards the Transwomen, but it doesnt mean that there are none at all.
    Though I'm having difficulty finding someone to chill out with who's a transguy, and to get some advice from, it doesnt mean I'll never find it.
    (I've called several transgender communities in my area/state, and have been told that they normally have only transwomen there or that their medical resources are mainly targeted for the transwomen and they dont have a doctor to help out the transmen. Grr.)
    Perhaps my therapist that I get to meet finally will be able to help me out. I know they're sending me there not only for the transgender help, but also for my anxiety and depression issues. But hopefully they also took the transgender part of it into account too and didnt shove me with a doctor who knows nothing about us.
    That would certainly be frustrating, since a lot of my anxiety and depression centers around my gender identity!

    Hang in there guys, there's always something!
    "There's always something" Violet from Lemony Snickets Series of Unfortunate Events
    Warren
  8. WarrenG

    To all My TGG Friends

    By WarrenG,

    I wanted to throw this out there, as a sidenote off from one of my other blog posts this evening.
    I wanted to take this time to sit down, mellow out, and most of all....Thank you.
    Thank every single one of you. All of you who stop and peek into my demented mind to read my blogs. Thank you for stopping and feeling my pain, laughing with me, shaking your head at my own less-than-witty comments, and crying with me if it so suited you.
    I'm extremely, unbelievably grateful for every one of you and ALL the friends I've made, and friends I'm yet to make on here. You've all been extremely helpful to me and have kept my chin up out of the muck and grime of grief and guilt and unbelievably overwhelming life's chaos. I will certainly continue to be grateful for all of my wonderful friends here on TGG. It has been beyond enriching, appreciated, heartwarming, enlightening and uplifting to have such a fantastic support system behind me. To know that no matter what is going on in my life, I know that I'll always have my friends here on TGG to help me through it. To break my fall, and pick me back up once again and brush me off and say "Go get 'em, tiger!" I cannot possibly express to you all how wonderful you've all been to me. From simply liking my blogs, to the wonderfully informative or supportive comments, to the remarkable personal messages of support and encouragement...I love logging in and seeing what everyone is doing and saying and up to in this world of awesomesauce.
    You've all opened up my eyes from the cruel word and shown me that there IS a place for me, I'm NOT useless, and I DO have a voice that I am ALLOWED and ENCOURAGED to use..
    I love blogging for you guys and plan to continue to do so as much as I can, and I BEG that you guys try not to get too bored with me when Things get too chaotic to on a regular basis.
    I'm always thinking of all of you, and without you guys, I wouldnt be where I am today!
    Have a FANTASTIC holiday!
    Have a VERY Merry Christmas, A WONDERFUL Hanukkah and VERY VERY Happy New Year!!!
    I love you all!
    Your friend and crazy Blogger,
    Warren
  10. WarrenG
    I'm bored out of my mind (on vacation from work because of spring vacation) so I've taken to Sims 4, exercise, writing and being lazy.
    But while I sit here, something has come to mind. Sexuality.
    Someone mentioned it to me and asked what my sexuality is, and I said I "think" I'm bisexual.
    Well for someone like me who hasnt been fully educated on what certain sexualities are, I cant help but wonder if I'm not fitting that catagory.
    I mean, men? Hell yes. Girls? Totally. But I really dont have any judgement against ANY gender, really. Now that I've been thrust deep into the world of Transitioning Transgenders, I've come to realize that there is much more than male and female.
    And the more I realize that, the less I seem to care about what they are. Everyone's fair game and gorgeous to me, really.
    So that brought up the subject of Pansexuality. I'm not fully aware of what that is, but it seems maybe the best bet?
    From what I understand, pansexuals are open to male, female, transgenders, crossdressers, etc. I think, from what I was told anyway.
    Which sort of fits for me, since I really dont care what you identify as. I'm not after your gender. I'm after your personality.

    Just a random thought I felt like sharing while I half die on this darn exercise stepper thingie that is literally destroying my calves >.<
    There was a big Hooha about me coming out as Bisexual on facebook, and with all the hype about me being transgender, I think I'll wait a while before mentioning the possibility of pansexuality.
    Basically its just Bisexuals with wider horizons LOL

    Forever Curious and Learning,
    Warren
  11. WarrenG

    A sigh, a Deep breath

    By WarrenG,

    Every now and then, people have to stop and breathe and realize that things they were planning and hoping for...need to wait.
    It's a depressing and saddening experience, but it's one that we all must have at least once every few miles. Sort of like getting the oil changed in your car, you have to take the time to stop and refresh your fuels and reset your priorities.
    For me, its the surgery.
    I know I NEED it to help ease my mind, and make me more comfortable in my own flesh, but I know it's not happening any time soon.
    As much as I wanted to spend my summer shirtless and enjoying the sun and the cool breeze on my shoulders, I know it's not going to happen.
    I dont have the funds for it, and I probably wont this year at all.
    The gofundme account I have up, though I'm blessed that a few have donated so far, I have a feeling wont get me too far.
    I'm not looking forward to the dreadful heat of wearing a compression shirt, binder AND sports bra under my t-shirt or work shirt this summer....but I'll have to deal with it. It wont go away, and I refuse to wear a bra.
    Hell even with a bra, I was dying of heat. I cannot imagine the torment that this summer will bring me, as we've been promised an insanely hot summer this year.

    Swimming is no longer in my pool of options, as I refuse to wear a girl's swimsuit, and there are no swimmers binders for my bust size that will stay on properly.
    I try not to get upset about it, but I know the truth and it sucks.
    The good news is my boss has finally decided to grow some nads and started to call me Warren, as he should have done a long time ago.
    Also I were asked to help host a "Transgender Visability Day" at my place of work, and have talked to the bakery chef about making a Transgender themed cake. I'll take a picture and show it to you guys when it happens, I believe on tuesday.

    I just felt like ranting and stuff, since it's one of my days off and I'm sitting here like a slug. If anyone feels like taking a peek at my gofundme thingie, its on my profile as my status. Have a ball.
    Lots of love and snuggles and all that cheesy stuff,
    Warren
  12. WarrenG
    First off, Happy Transgender Visibility Day. I was sort of expecting more of a hoo-ha at work today for it, like they do for all the other holidays. Even for LGBT awareness day, they do a cake and ribbons and music and such.
    Today...I asked them to make a cake which he put next to no effort into because he didnt really seem to care, and didnt even put frosting all the way around it.

    The sign was thrown together in about half a minute, and it didnt even mention what kind of cake it was. Which someone pointed out to me with "Is the fact that the sign doesn't say what kind of cake it is a metaphor that means we should like it no matter what it looks like or what's on the inside?"
    Which I thought was a good point and it sort of made me feel a little bit better, but the point I was trying to make still went unseen.
    TDoV isn’t something you’re supposed to just overlook, yet people do. In the LGBT topic, I think that the T and B get strongly overlooked all the time, day in and day out. Simply because people do not understand or cannot relate. Gay is easy to understand. They like the opposite sex both affectionately and sexually. Simply put, and easy to wrap your mind around. Transgenders or Bisexuals is more complicated at times, and I’ve noticed that instead of trying to understand, people would rather just shrug it off and pretend it neither matters nor exists.

    I may be wrong on this theory but that’s just the way I have seen it so far. In my search for a new therapist, I’ve found countless doctors who treat Gay/Lesbian issues but only two out of twenty cover Bisexual or Transgender/Transexual issues. And even though I know it’s something I’m supposed to fully understand, I’ve yet to uncover that fine line between transGENDER and transSEXUAL. People have sent me links and such to read through it, but with my dyslexia, I can only go so far before everything I read leaves my brain or I get side tracked.
    I always tell people “Talk to me as if I’m five and make it easy to understand”.
    Sadly that’s the way I have to have people explain things to me. Feel free to give me your take on the two in the comments, and I’ll do my best to keep up

    Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked I’ll inset the picture of the cake they did, and although I’m glad that they actually did it, I’m still kind of bummed at the lack of effort they put into it. The baker is an excellent chef, and he worked in a fine dining restaurant making wonderful pastries and gorgeous cakes…..There’s no excuse for this. Aside from he simply didn’t give a s***.
    Just saying. Again, simply my opinion.
    The other thing that’s been bugging me (other than the constant depression knowing that my surgery is on a very high shelf that I cant reach) is “Fascination”
    If one more person pulls me aside for a billion questions (half aren’t appropriate to ask) about being transgendered because I’m “Fascinating”, I’ll explode. There’s a difference between being curious and nosey, and sometimes I have to simply fake being busy and run off before I can finish their questions. I’m sorry, but my sex life is my business, not theirs. And I don’t feel like answering questions about my sex life regarding my transgender “lifestyle”. That’s like me walking up to a complete stranger and going “Hey, hows it going? You have blonde hair, cool! That’s so fascinating! Tell me, how exactly do you **** your boy/girlfriend? Do they enjoy that?”
    Seriously people……Seriously….

    On another note, I found an awesome song that I’ve become absolutely obsessed with. It’s called “You can be king again” By Lauren Aquilina. It’s rather uplifting yet soothing at the same time, and I encourage you guys to check it out. I’ll put a youtube link in the comments momentarily.
    Anyway, gonna stop here
    If you guys need to get ahold of me btw, you can find me on Facebook, gofundme, kik or imessage Simply ask, and you shall receive the proper addresses/access
    Yours as always,
    Warren
  13. WarrenG
    Well, it is now 7:30am, and I've been up for about three to four hours so far. I'm not supposed to be to work until 11:45am but here I sit in the cafeteria of the college kitchen that I work at.
    My jeep's oil pan is so thin with corrosion that you can poke your finger through it, so to save myself a burning fireball of a vehicle on the way to work one interesting morning, I decided to share rides with my boyfriend.
    Who works an opposite shift than I do.
    Yay me.
    Anyway, to try and pass the time I’ve decided to blog about everything and anything on my mind this morning. Just because I can and you guys have been nice enough to listen to my ranting and whining so far without complaint. I value your opinions and ideas on this site and it’s always a breath of fresh air to be able to talk to you all comfortably with the knowledge that you’ll understand.
    A lot of people, I have noticed, are completely oblivious to the LGBT community within their own lives, and it’s actually really saddening. When I go to work every day, I know well of the stares that I’m to receive or the piss-poor attitudes of those around me who do not approve.
    Some even go as far as to rub my birth name in my face, and I do my best to ignore this. But sometimes it’s really hard and it drives me almost to tears. Sadly, a common thought in my mind on a daily basis is “Why are people such di**s?”
    I know I shouldn’t think about it, and I do attempt to let it slide off my shoulders but sometimes it is just simply not that easy. Some days I just want to walk up to the haters and knock their front teeth out.
    If I had the chance, and knew I would not be arrested, you bet you’re a** I would. In a heartbeat.
    Except for the girls. I’d probably just throw something in their face or ruin their favorite shirts or whatever it is that they care about. It certainly isn’t the feelings of others.

    On Another note, the impending doubt and fear of the 6th has started to spread throughout my bones. The fear of being told they wont help me. The anxiety of being turned away and told to deal with it. I don’t know if I’d be able to handle something like that….I really don’t.
    I have all my hopes up on this appointment and I know I shouldn’t stress, and plenty of people tell me to calm down and let it happen, that everything will be alright. But I cant just sit here and breathe easy. It’s not who I am. I’m impatient, I’m a fearful person, and my anxiety sometimes controls aspects of my life that I know it shouldn’t.
    It should be “I have anxiety” not “anxiety has me”. But sometimes its just not that simple to control.
    On another hand, I have managed to save up 1,488$ in my surgery funds. To me that doesn’t sound like a lot at all, but I know it’s a hell of a lot better than nothing.

    Something that happened just this morning, precisely twenty minutes ago right……now…still has me a bit irritated but I know it’s something I’ll have to get used to.
    Ma’am.
    I had ordered a birthday cake for my little sister for when I go up on May 2nd through hannafords. It’s a batman symbol, but also the symbol of her favorite band (and one of mine) Black Veil Brides. Anyway, I accidentally ordered it for April 30th, not realizing it’d be sitting in my fridge for almost 2 days before she’d get it. So I called to change it to May 1st instead, and had to do it on my cellphone which I know sucks.
    “I’m sorry, I think the connection is bad. Ma’am, are you still here?”
    Ugh……Sadly, yes. Yes I am.
    I responded with “Not a ma’am, but yes, I’m still here” to which she giggled back “Oh, my bad. You sounded like a chick”. Oh yeah? Don’t f***ing remind me!
    I do my best to deepen my voice, but without hormones I fear it’s something that’s never going to be quiet up to par. And my boyfriend has requested that out of the top surgery and name change and everything else in my transgendered life..hormones wont be one of the things I pick up.
    A little heart broken by the request because I’m not ‘built’ masculine, but I’ll take it. As long as I loose my ‘tumors’ and go by Warren, I can deal with the lack of a male face.
    I’ll just be a very fem guy.
    I just wish people would stop calling me feminine pronouns. Her, she, miss, ma’am, madam, lady, woman…..I take it all as an insult. And though I’ll admit sometimes its not their fault and they simply don’t know any different, there are those select few who DO know and don’t CARE.
    And that is the most frustrating. But no one said Transgenders had it easy, did they?
    Everyone here has felt that punch in the gut from the words of others. That stinging in your ears as someone calls you something you despise. Or that pounding in your chest when someone does call you something you want.
    Living the life of a transgender is a very emotionally trying adventure. But every adventure has it’s hills and rivers. You gotta be willing to climb that hill, and willing to get a little wet and muddy to cross the streams.
    Not everything is a grassy field you can simply waltz through. Sometimes you gotta put some boots on.
    (Just randomly wanna note that some old lady is literally staring straight at me and has been for the past ten minutes as I type. Can you say creeeeeeeeepy?)

    On another note, I’m increasingly becoming more and more of a shadow in my family. I’ve always sort of been a distant shadow but now I’m an unwelcomed one. Like the ghost that everyone knows about but no one understands. They fear and cower away from it without realizing it means no harm, and only wants to be seen. Or heard.
    I’ve kept my distance as best I dare manage without losing touch completely, for my little sister’s sake. But my nieces don’t even know my face anymore. My little sister asked my 5 year old niece Kai if she knew who I was, and she replied “nope. Is that your brother?”
    And my sister couldn’t even answer honestly. She cant say yes, because of the anger that would follow from my older sister and mother. But she couldn’t say no because she does not believe in pushing my gender identity into a corner. She sees me as her brother. A man, a guy, a dude. She’s the one shining star in my family of black holes. She accepts me for me and doesn’t ask questions. As long as I’m there for her, she doesn’t care what my name is or what I’m wearing or who I’m kissing.
    That’s what I love about her.
    She is completely open to the world, even with it shuts her out.
    Struggling with her own identity, she understands my pain. She “thinks” she is bisexual but has not reached that full point of knowing yet. She may be Lesbian, she doesn’t know. She’s explored the idea of transgender even before I came out to my family, but is hesitant. She doesn’t believe herself male, but doesn’t like female. I think she’s just Gender Fluid. Androgynous.
    I’d love her either way, no matter what she/he chose. It just takes time to figure yourself out. Took me years and I’m still discovering! I thought I were Lesbian, later discovered maybe it was actually bisexual, and now realize I’m actually Pansexual. Life is an ever changing journey, so you cant jump to conclusions.
    Never assume it’s over until you’re shaking hands with Death.

    Warren
  14. WarrenG

    Anger issues.....

    By WarrenG,

    Well first off, I'd like to start out with 'WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO THE GUIDE?!"
    Although some change is good, I've found it a little difficult to navigate the site and find my things and whatnot.....not 100% I'm a fan of this new set up....I'm not even sure if I'm blogging in my usual place or if this is just going to float around randomly...
    Anyway, back to the blog.
    So it has been made very obvious to me that I have anger issues, according to.....well, I dont know. The world? My anger problems has basically ruined my job which I had to quit for more reasons than one but, yes, it basically came down to my attitude problem.
    But as the few weeks have passed I've come to realize that I am a very bipolar, angry person sometimes. Mostly during the evening.
    During the day, right after taking my usual poison (all the damn meds my doc shoves at me) I'm alright. I'm usually in a tollerable mood, for the most part. But in the afternoons....I loose it. The littlest things p*** me right the f*** off. Misspelling things. Dropping things. Banging my elbow on something, not getting comfortable--ANYTHING sets me off into a rage and I just dont feel like I can deal with it. But the last thing I want is to complain to my doc and have her tell me to take even more meds. I'm so f***ing done with taking that crap. I'm sick of it.
    I have to take muscle relaxant meds for my back at night now because I cant sleep, and I told her that I now have to sleep in an upright position else I cant breathe because of these stupid (what I wanted to say was more like ****ing ***hole ****ing pieces of horse **** that I cannot ****ing stand, but let's keep it civil) but I've basically been told that theres nothing anyone can do about it unless I opt for breast reduction.
    News Flash: I do NOT want to go through a surgery that I do NOT WANT, only to have to deal with the depression of STILL HAVING THEM, and THEN deal with maybe going into surgery for a SECOND TIME and pay a SECOND BILL to finally finish what I wanted done in the first place.
    I seriously, seriously ****ing refuse to do it! If they're not willing to take care of the problem 100% then its not worth fighting with. I'm just....I'm so...so...so done....
    I havent cut in about two....maybe three weeks. My bicep looks flawless, tanned, healed....like it never happened. That's the strange thing about my "habit"...it almost never scars. So when its over and done with and I'm alright again, it's like nothing ever happened. I have no proof of my mental turmoil. No concrete evidence of my torment and depression. Not that it should matter, having the scars. But it's almost frustrating. After all the pain and anger and tears that went into it all...and nothing shows from it.
    My dysphoria has gotten worse.
    The constant nagging of having 44DD breasts bound tightly in nearly three shirts, suffocating, sweating like a farm animal; yet mentally I'm always stressing that they can still be seen. That the people around me can still see through my agonizing cover-up, and inside they're laughing at me. Judging me. Mocking my existance.
    What God would be so cruel as to force this onto a person? What had I done wrong to anyone to deserve such mental anguish? The embarrassment, the depression, and annoyance and anger........Yes, I have anger issues. Yes, I have anxiety problems. And yes, I have an attitude problem at times. But now I have to ask....Do you really, truely, seriously f***ing blame me?
    My mother mocks me behind my back, telling others lies and embarrassing rumors about my "attention seeking lifestyle". That I'm only transgendered for the attention. That I paid the 130$ to change my name, for attention. That I went through the bulls*** to get a new Social Security card....for attention. That I'm an embarrassment to her. To the family.
    My older sister keeps me from the nieces I've put so much on the line to protect and keep happy. My boyfriends family refuses to give in even a little bit to my new name or pronouns, and on top of all the crap I have to deal with from people who are my "family"...I then have to deal with my own problems.
    The constant desire to hide in the bathroom away from the world. The napping all day simply because if I'm awake, I have to wear my binders and be around people. The literal consideration of serious mutilation in order for the hospitals to HAVE to remove that which I despise. I didnt used to be this bad. I didnt used to think, act, feel, or behave like this.
    I was getting better....I hadnt dont any self harm. But now....I dont feel like I can keep that back. Hell, I shoved something down the front of my jeans today only because that emptiness made me feel sick. I've never had to go that far...I was comfortable with my lower half. I didnt like it, but I was comfortable with it. Now it's like I cannot handle any of it.
    And now that I have no insurance, no job, no life basically.....the hell else am I supposed to do?
    The gofundme has been a bust, and understandably. Everyone's broke, no one sees it as something nessesary or worthy, plus with all the stuff going on around the world like the shoots and Nepal and the earthquakes; my request seems childish and downright stupid. Selfish.
    I keep having thoughts, a voice I guess you could say. The phrases and sentences muttered in my voice, my tone, but not things I would normally grumble. Theyre depressing and only infuriate me even more. I'm not sure what to do anymore, except simply go back to bed.
     
    Good news is that this time last year, I weighted 236pnds. Today I weighed in at 204pnds. Guess that's good. Maybe, I dont know. Now I have lose, disgusting, annoying skin.
    Whatever.....
    Off to another pointless nap.
    Warren
  15. WarrenG

    Dragging my Feet

    By WarrenG,

    I cant help but feel slightly offbalanced knowing that I haven’t posted a blog in a while, and that my last blog was rather…eh, how to put it…..rabid? Furious?
    Either way, I’m not entirely proud of it and I apologize for the negative ranting that you all so lovingly put up with. Sometimes we just got to get it out of our systems I guess.
    No worries though, today’s is less snapping teeth and clenched fists. Today is sort of just a wander around and poking at flowers while caving in anthills type of blog.
    So, I did meet with my doctor for my last insurance-covered visit, just to get an update on meds and whatnot. So since around this time last year I have officially lost aprox’ 30pnds. Either from feeling more myself with the transition, maybe depression meds, or maybe it was just gonna happen anyway; either way I’m glad for it. Though I don’t feel like I have more energy, and my fight with clothing still persists, I do feel slightly better knowing I weigh a bit less. Aside from the rather lose and baggy skin left over, I’m a little happier with my body. I cannot credit it to workouts, however, because I’ve honestly not done enough of it to even consider it being a contribute to the weight loss. It’s too hard to breathe and function during workouts with such a heavy bust, and I applaude any woman who can do it comfortably.
    In other news, my neighbor/mom/gramma (she hasn’t decided which she likes best lol, SUPER supportive of my transgender awesomeness) has hooked me up over facebook with her friend Alan, who apparently is HUGE into LGBTQI rights(apparently the new LGBT) and is a CEO or something for some big company. Apparently he wants to talk to me about my transgenderness and the surgery thing and whatnot. Naturally I’m nervous as hell to talk to him, and not sure what to expect out of all of this.
    But hell, its worth a shot right? You never know. Ive joined a few groups on facebook for a little boost of support and know-how, such as a Pansexual group and a few transgender groups. It’s rather uplifting to talk to other ‘uniques’ such as myself, and I’m proud to be a confident panda (pansexual. We have a nickname! Schweet!) And although I cannot rule out thoughts of self harm now and again, I am a little proud to say that I am 100% healed and haven’t harmed since I quit my job. So that’s good I guess. Naturally I still have thoughts and such, but so far with the help of my sister (not biological but I’ll be damned if she aint my sister!) Destinee, I’ve been able to withhold these urges and stay clean of it.
    I slowly got more into photography again, though its only here and there, because the bugs in my area are HORRIBLE and I hate going outside with these little bastards and getting eaten alive. But I have noticed that my area of interest has been the sky, and I rather enjoy “screenshooting” the clouds. I’ll post some pics with this blog to show some, from the most recent thunderstorm in my area.

    Other than that, there isn’t much to talk about in this blog, as nothing has been too awfully exciting lately. Although my little sister/bro (theyre still figuring out, but may be gender fluid, which is totally fine with me) is coming down this week (after a frustrating debate with my mother on letting them come down -_-) for my birthday My birthday is May 22nd, so this Friday, and I’m turning 23  
    I’m taking my lil punk to the hair salon, and the both of us are gonna get cuts and they might bleach theirs. I don’t think I’ll bleach mine but am looking into dying it dark blue just for something different! Then, hopefully, the plum island beach on Saturday!
    So excited! I’m an ocean-aholic…….
    Sending you more pics soon,
    Warren
  16. WarrenG

    Alien Sims 0.0

    By WarrenG,

    Sometimes I wonder if the life I live is actually just some sick and twisted nightmare, then other times I just assume I’m in limbo somewhere for some unspeakable crime against humanity.
    Then other times I cant help but wonder if any of the “reality” is reality at all. Or if maybe the whole universe is just split up into atoms within an alien computer somewhere and they’re fooling around with the system like some weird outer space version of The Sims. But maybe that’s just my creative writer coming out and saying “Yo, dummy, get back to your books you weirdo”
    But that’s beside the point I guess. Either I’m real flesh and blood with some issues, or I’m some alien Sims with my body switched with some dude with an attitude. Either way I guess I can live with it
    ANYWHO, I suppose you all would like an update on the comings, goings, and interesting phenomenon that is involved with this freakishly creative individual we call Ren-Ren-Rawr (apparently what my bf calls me instead of “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” because hes not comfy with bf, and I’m not comfy with gf)
    So yesterday, I had a rather productive day and got my butt in gear and drove the (almost) hour long drive to the larger hospital in my area, Dartmouth Hitchcock (the name still cracks me up!) and went up to the financial aid help center about my 5,000+$ bill with them. Last time I went (cant remember if I told ya’ll) was NOT an enjoyable experience in the least. The woman (unnamed) were rude, ruthless, unhelpful and discriminative. She made it abundantly clear that she were NOT going to use my preferred pronouns, my now-legal name, etc etc. And made a point to tell me that she is in basic control of all the financial aid paperwork, emails, etc so I would still have to deal with her no matter what I do, PLUS her telling me that I am NOT allowed to set up payments for my overdue account until they go to collections, which to me sounded like absolute manure. I left heartbroken and ridiculously annoyed. ON THE CONTRARY, this time, I went up to the front desk and asked to be seen for applying for financial aid now that I’m basically jobless. I also mentioned that whoever was on my file the last time I were there, I would like to NOT see because she were rude and disrespectful. The secretary seemed surprised but nodded in acceptance.
    So I waited about half an hour and finally were seen, by a woman named April who were AMAZING. Super understanding, patient, and fun to talk to. I explained the situation that happened last time I were there, and she were reasonably furious. Immediately she wrote down whatever I told her about the last woman I saw, and said she would immediately speak to her manager about the situation once our meeting was over, and assured me that she would keep my name off the report. Which made me feel much better, I’ll admit. She were very understanding and when I let her know that I preferred MALE pronouns, she promptly agreed and not once did she faulter! She walked me through the state insurance application, helped me with it and printed out a copy for me to keep on hand before emailing it out. Then she went through the paper application with me and assured me she would send it to both THAT hospital and to another that I also owe money to. I explained my situation with the needs for transgender therapy and my hopefulness for surgery in the future, and she then went to her manager to make sure that the insurance she were helping me sign up for would cover most, if not all, of those things that I were looking for. She was, in the best description, a life saver. I left (after two hours lol) feeling relieved and hopeful, and saved her business card so that I can give her a stunning review on their appointment outcome papers.
    (Found this and thought it was awesome :P) 
    Right after, I stopped in at my regular doctor’s office and let her know that I would like a paper from her stating that she DOES agree that I have gender dysphoria, and that she is aware of my issues with the dysphoria and is in support of me starting treatment for it. I also asked for a copy of my file from my ex-therapist Joan, along with a letter from her as well about my dysphoria. My plan (helped from another friend) is to take these papers, and the files, to the Gender Therapist when I get insurance to talk to him. That way there is evidence that I have had this diagnosis for a while, and have been publicly living as a male for some time, and hopefully be able to skip over the year’s worth of gender therapy and get closer to surgery. I’m very hopeful on this, but I’m not fool enough to assume it WILL work. But it’s worth a try!
    Otherwise, things are going alright  I’m getting an update on my nightmare medication as those issues have returned, unfortunately. But nothing I cant handle, I assure you. I tried a “Root Beer” beer as well, and although I am NOT a fan of beer, I actually really liked this one! It does have that hint of beer to it, but is mostly overridden by the root beer flavor It was delightful, and I cannot wait to try it in a rootbeer float!! It’s called “Not your Father’s Rootbeer” in case you’re wondering
    My youtube channel is getting closer to being started, and I will film my first “episode” this coming Wednesday. When it is fully posted, I will certainly share the link with everyone This one will be my introduction, and also about some quick ‘fashion tips for transgenders’. Feel free to hit me up with ideas or subscribe! The channel is “DubstepHeartbeat” in case you’re wondering.
    (a giggle for you)
    Well, I think that’s it for this blog post. I’ll let you know if I have anything else to yammer on about
    Your Buddy,
    Warren
  17. WarrenG

    Wednesday Again

    By WarrenG,

    So first I wanted to respond to a few things in my last blog because posting comments was getting confusing.
    "May I ask, does your boyfriend consider himself a Straight or Gay man?  Do you consider yourself a Straight or Gay man?  From my interaction with you and looking at your pictures (I have very sensitive "Gaydar"), you come across as a Straight man.  Of course, I could be wrong." The answer to this would be no, Justin does not consider himself gay, and is 100% Straight. Which, yes, confuses the situation a little bit, but I respect his sexuality. I, myself, am Pansexual. So that makes my life a little easier lol. So I'm a fraction of both gay and straight but more open than Bisexual  
    "If this is actually an agreement - she asked for rent and named the amount, then the space in her house that is not considered common area is yours, and she cannot enter your space unannounced when you are not there unless there is an emergency.  Otherwise, any entry must be scheduled and you must be notified in advance."
    We did agree to pay a certain ammount (Justin and I as a couple) but no paperwork were signed so it is not a legal agreement and She can toss me out as just a 'guest' in her house. We live in one house, and my bedroom is literally considered "her sons room" to her and she claims to have free range over the whole house. Either she's right or wrong in the situation, doesnt matter because I cannot avoid it right now.
    As such the situation has gotten more and more Frustrating. Last night I came home and my bedroom door were wide open (not the first time) giving all the animals of the house free roam of it, which is VERY enfuriating considering some of her EIGHT cats pee on things. Not only that, but my native american medicine wheel and safeguard disk were on the floor in the hallway, both of which my deceased father gave me, CHEWED UP and basically ruined. This is the third time this week that I have come home to my door open and either my razors stolen, my room trashed, things knocked over, things missing, or the room just left open for access of the stupid animals that she is hoarding. Today I locked the bedroom door before leaving but there's no promises that they wont find a way to open it anyhow. I just dont understand how two people who earn (debatable, its sometimes a government disability check) cant just go out and buy their own damn razors or stay out of my room. There is nothing in there for them. They dont like it if I go in their rooms! It's beyond obnoxious, and I hate being there. But as we've all agreed, no point in taking action until I have the funds or job to find my own place.....
    ANYWAY, its wednesday, and my computer decided to be a d*** and not work. So I did my videos on my ipod which was obnoxious but productive. Here ya go.
    Warren
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tx6Zx-yCBpY 
  18. WarrenG

    No, I'm not Dead

    By WarrenG,

    Good afternoon/morning/evening/Saturday? TGG friends,
    Yes, It's me again. No I havent died and no, nothing super dramatic has happened. I've just taken a lot of time to sort myself out and try and get my head straight.
    You'll be glad to know that I have been 'clean' or 'sober' of self harm for several weeks, and I am so far really loving my job. So far, I have not had a single day of dreading a workday aside from merely just being exhausted, getting used to 3rd shift. But it's getting easier. Speaking of, this'll be short since I'm on my way back to sleep.
     
    I've decided to cease communication (temporarily, I think.....) with a dear friend/sister of mine I met a year ago due to added stress and frustration. Seemed like every single time we talked, we fought. And I really just couldnt deal with it anymore. I've gotten a bit better with the silence and feel slightly better, though not 100% yet. But at least it's something.
    On another note, the cutting. I forced myself to stay away from it in attempts to keep that section of my bicep clean of open wounds...because I was going to cut myself off from it for good. How you might ask? Well, the pictures will explain.
     
     
    "We are not defined by how hard we fall"
    It took about four hours to do the outlining, and I go back in a few weeks to do the shadowing and detail work. My dear cousin and awesome tattoo artist Tim in Montpilier VT did everything freehand for me to make sure it were unique and custom, and I thank him greatly for it. It were insanely painful to deal with at times, especially around the top of the shoulder and back of the armpit area. But with something like this to look at every time I want to cut into that area, I know it'll stop me. Why would I destroy something I worked so hard for? Something I went through so much pain to accomplish? It's the theory anyway, and I'm staking a lot on that theory.
    Besides, the bf will strangle me if I cut up this tattoo. By the time it's done, it would have costed me about 800$ including tip. Out of my surgery funds I've saved myself. 800$ is not 10,000$, which is what I need for my surgery. So why not use it for something that might help me? Hurts to use my hard saved money that was reserved for my surgery, but I dont see myself getting it any time soon.....if at all. But....yeah. So now you all know what I've been up to.
     
    All my thoughts with you,
    Warren
  19. WarrenG

    Updates and Snowflakes

    By WarrenG,

    It's always fun updating lol
    Also I want to add in that today is the anniversary 125th of Wounded Knee in North Dakota  
    So not much has happened aside from this was probably the best, most uneventfully drama-lacking christmas I've ever had. Best. Christmas. Ever.
    So my visit with my family went better than expected. Some (if not all) my xmas presents from my mom and siblings were to Ren, not Kristy, which was awesome. My older sister took me upstairs and said "the girls are going to call you a little of both. I told them they can call you whatever they want, Ren or Kristy, Aunt or not. I'm leaving it up to them so dont get mad if they mess up because I'm not taking a side on the name until you're "officially" done." (officially meaning when I somehow dig up 9k$ for my surgery >...> 
    I told her that I dont care what the kids call me because yes, theyre children, and it'll take time. The only person that annoys the crap out of me with "kristy" calling is HER, not the kids. Naturally she ignored the whole comment entirely and misnamed me all night, but I chose to ignore her since everyone else was being awesome about it. Which is insanely rare.
     
    Christmas with justins family was hosted at his brother Adam's house, which was great because both Adam and his fiance Tressa both chose to call me Ren as requested, and eventually the other people at the house also did it so as not to piss Tressa off (She is NOT the person you want to piss off lol). So it was nice
     
    It all went great and things have been super uneventful for the most part lol Gifts were great (though not necessary lol) and Alex has been busy with an adult coloring book we got of Mandalas. Also let him buy in-game money for his IMVU account lol And although I had a HUGE falling out with our mutual friend Destinee, I am totally find with him talking to her on a daily basis. I actually prefer it because although we dont seem to get along and for some reason I cant handle talking to ANYONE.....(Literally, anyone. I have zero friends that I text or talk to because talking to anyone seems to instantly annoy me no matter what the conversation is) I like the idea of him talking to her and keeping her company. I still care about her, I just cant handle talking to people anymore. Not sure why. I think it's better I just not talk to her and avoid hurting her entirely. At least she has Alex now...they seem to be good friends. Sometimes I wonder if she was originally Alex's friend to begin with, not mine...I care about her, a lot. And I want her safe and happy more than anything. I just dont feel like my imbalanced attitude and spats of random asshole-ness was a benefit to her at all. I dont like making her feel like I hate her. I dont hate her.
    Anyway, recent drama is my younger sibling Kai  I wont go into detail but I'm looking into maybe having the State of VT release Kai to me as his legal guardian due to abuse. I'll need to look more into it...Wish me luck. Hope everyone had a good christmas and has a happy new year.
     
    -Ren

  20. WarrenG

    Semi-Perminate "See ya"

    By WarrenG,

    So, for various reasons, I've decided to take a semi-perminate break from blogging. I just have nothing positive going on in my life right now and I dont want every single blog post I put up to be negativity and venting. I'm just.....tired. Nothing I say is right anymore, and somehow I always seem to anger someone. Last night I was basically yelled at for my blog post being insensitive and rude and it severely made someone mad at me, and later it was brought to my attention that I swear way too much.
    (Which is true, I wont lie. No hard feelings, I know I had WAY too many swears in there. It's cool, no worries.)
    I was requested to take some swears out, which I totally would have done but I decided I didnt like the entire post so I got rid of it. I just...need to take a break. I just dont feel that any of my blogs are productive or encouraging to the transgender community anymore.
    Seems like any attempt I make to patch things up with people only make them more angry. My offer to forget about the release form thing for the book, out of nothing more than non-hostile or insulting manners, came off as rude and pig headed so now that person is all mad at me again. I just...I cant do anything right.
    I bought new shoes and stuff for my brother because he didnt have any, but it made him upset that I was buying things for him. I bought a stuffed toy for someone who's sick to make them feel better, and got a lecture about spending money. I tried to make food for someone because they were hungry, and all they did was say it was disgusting and made them sick.
    I'm just so sick of trying...
    Maybe when...if....something good ever happens, I'll start writing again. For now, I think I'll just go back to my dark corner and stay quiet.
     
    Stuck in a rut,
    Ren
  21. WarrenG

    Impatiently Waiting

    By WarrenG,

    How's it goin' people? I figured I'd update all you guys on what's been going on lately. So I had my appointment with Dr. Feins in Manchester NH for a surgery consultation for my top surgery. I felt like my head was gonna explode with having to wait for it to get here, then that morning I was dreading it the whole 2 hour ride. I did NOT want to take my shirt off and have him take pictures of my chest. Believe me, it was torment to wait and drive closer and closer, yet I didnt dare go home and chicken out.
    Thankfully this was just an update for last year's consultation so when I got there, he said he'd just use last years pictures since nothing's changed and he already knew about the 'underboob' rashes from the heat and trapped sweat from  my balloons of hell.
    Which was extremely relieving lol I was prepared to strip down to my jeans and have them take pictures and then hate myself the rest of the day, so when he said 'you're fine, I'll just use our last photos', I wanted to give him a hug lol
    He seemed a lot more confident in my new insurance and said that they normally dont have any problems getting approved for surgeries with them. (Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield). I really really wanna say 'okay, no worries, it'll be fine' but a HUGE part of me is seriously doubting all of it. I'm always afraid that I'm going to get denied and told no, and it's probably because I'd been denied so many times. I want to be optimistic but I really do not want to get my hopes up either. 
     
    Anyway, we had the whole thing done in no time (Justin was with me this time and he likes Dr.Feins, he thinks he's cool) and we sat down in the next office to do insurance prep papers (which I didnt have to do last time). I'm really really hoping that this is going to work, but I dont dare test my luck on this either. Ugh, I hate this! Now I have to wait god-knows how many weeks for the to decide and let me know if I'm due for pathetic pouting or excited bawling. 
    And anyone who knows me knows that I do not do patience very well. 
     
    Really hoping  
    -Ren

    Btw: Treadmill walking seems to be helpin out a little XD

  22. WarrenG
    Sometimes I forget when this all started, or if it ever had a start to begin with.
    "To Thine Own Self Be True"
    Shakespeare said that. In his act of Hamlet...Polonius in Hamlet said "This above all: to thine own self be true,And it must follow, as the night the day,Thou canst not then be false to any man.Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!"
    The first bit always got to me. 'To Thine Own Self Be True" I didnt discover this quote until one night I were surfing the internet, my left arm numb and puffy from another bad day, and it just randomly popped out at me. I'd always been a fan of Shakespeare and Longfellow, and of course Mark Twain. But it were on that particular night, when I had attempted and failed to take too many medications. I'd simply had enough. I didnt want to deal with the pain and anguish of life unknown. To endure the suffering frustration of not knowing who I were, or what I were doing, or why I were so cruelly cursed the way I were. I kept thinking "If there even is a god, why would he play a joke so cruel as to put my mind in the wrong body, just to watch me suffer? And not only let others alienate me, but let me alienate myself."
    I were no stranger to pain. I were a very clumsy child by birth. Constantly breaking bones or bruising my flesh by accident, so much in fact that the doctors pulled me aside at the age of thirteen and asked if my widowed mother were abusing me. She werent, of course. But I were always bruised.
    At the age of seventeen or so, I began the foolish endeavor of burning. I'd heat up a butter knife with a candle, and burn myself. On my neck, my shoulders, my arms...none scarred though. I werent sure why I were doing it, I only knew that it made my emotional breakdowns better.
    I knew there were something going on with me, and I couldnt figure out what. I were always sad, always annoyed, always angry. Nothing anyone could do or say would help, but increase it.
    Unfortunatly, nothing my mother would say or do helped either. She seemed to make things so much more worse, and it wouldnt be until I got older did I realize she werent doing it to be mean. She just didnt understand what was happening to her daughter. I refused dresses, I despised shopping, and every part of me wanted to break down and start to scream when she demanded I keep my hair long.
    I hated myself, and I couldnt even understand why. Looking in the mirror, staring at my reflection, and wishing I could make it disappear. All of it. I didnt know what I wanted different, but I just wanted it.
    I didnt understand why the terms "miss, ma'am, girl, woman" offended me so much. They're just words, right? Just things people would say? It never occurred to me...
    When people would say "because you're a girl" or "girls shouldnt do that", All I wanted to do was scream on top of my lungs and tell them to shove it down their throats. I were so violent...all the time.
    I became severely depressed, and nothing could soothe me. Id always wanted to continue doing self harm, but I never worked up the nerve. I couldnt get myself to start. You see...I didnt want to die. I didnt want to take that chance, and have an accident. I just wanted to numb out the mental anguish.
    Back this year, I had finally leapt that boardwalk and plunged into the darkness of regret. I had finally told my boyfriend that I were bisexual. That part was easy. He were actually glad for it.
    But when I told him I were male, just not physically, my life turned upside down.
    Our relationship strained, though neither of us would let go of it. We couldnt...not after four years together. I found something at my place of work, in the first aid box on the wall. At first it were innocent. I had a splinter, so I found something called a "Splinter-Out". Nothing that could cause serious, life threatening damage. I took out a splinter, and were amazed by how well it worked...
    And I started my journey through the darkness.
    It started with just a few. Two cuts, that's all. But then it became four. And five. As I sit here, I can count out the twenty-five little pink scars on my left and right arms. And those are the ones that remained, not including the ones that never stayed behind. It became a staple for my anxiety, to hold back my fits of emotional breakdowns. The physical pain numbed out the emotional turmoil. But when I realized that I couldnt 'just stop', it scared me. I turned to my boyfriend, and a few online friends.
    So far, I'm on day 14 of no cutting. And it's not easy. Today has been horrible....
    That's why I'm writing. To distract myself. To pass the time, and keep myself safe.
    And mostly...to get it off my chest.
    I'm in the process of getting a tattoo over my scars.
    A nice victorian gothic scroll over my forearm. And the quote on top of it?
    "To Thine Own Self Be True"
    -Warren
  23. WarrenG
    Hello, people of the pages. Ah the endless pages....
    So, just like anything else we try to accomplish, there are always roadblocks.
    Aside from the fact that I dont really know what to write about tonight, I thought I would ramble about an issue I'd been having today.
    My Binder.
    Technically speaking, I'm not sure if its actually a binder or not. It's a Torso Compression Tank from Manshape for FTMs. My first one I'd ever bought, EVER, so I probably got it wrong. Maybe?
    Anyway, I wear it over a sleeveless compression shirt from underarmor when I'm at work.
    Its made my life so much easier to not have THOSE in my way all the time. Granted I would be beyond happy and grateful if they could shrink away even more, but hey. Not much a 44DD can get without surgery. (Which is an eventually plan, trust me! >.< )
    But lately I have noticed a bit of an issue, especially today.
    When my 'set' (binder and compression shirt) start to feel like theyve stretched out a bit, I toss them in my dryer for a few minutes (i read online that it's the way to go to get them back into shape).
    So I did so this morning before work, and noticed a difference immediatly. I didnt think much of it, really. Did my normal routine, and went to work.
    But ALL DAY I felt like I was short of breath, that I couldnt breathe. I've NEVER had this problem before. Ever.
    Maybe it simply shrunk down too much, but after reading horror stories, I always worry that I'm inflicting damage to my lungs or something.

    They say beauty is pain. But people dont realize that unbeauty hurts too. I dont wear makeup anymore, and never really did to be honest. But now my eyes feel dry all the time. I dont wear chapstick as much because I feel stupid putting it on, so now my lips split alot from chewing on them from my anxiety.
    And most of all...this whole binding thing. Now that I have them, I feel totally and utterly lost and horrible if I am forced to switch to a bra to 'give myself a break'. My boyfriend insists that during the weekends or at home, I wear nothing or a bra, and stay out of a binder. Which I can understand.
    But I cant go in public without them anymore...I hate it. I feel so stupid without them. Like the whole world is looking at my chest and not my face.
    But I've noticed the skin on the outter sides of my ribs, under my arms has become tender to the touch. Probably from the compression shirt rubbing. My 'you know whats' are tender and ache, and once I take off my binders..I do all I can to avoid anything brushing up against them or touching them in any way because they hurt.
    Then I have that damned irritation between and underneath. Sweat I suppose, from working in a 90F kitchen for 9 hours a day. But there's no way I can go back to a bra. I refuse. I'd rather suffer.
    Someone asked if maybe I'm wearing it too tight but mentally, for me, its not tight enough. I want it all hidden, but at what cost?
    I know they worry about my health, but for my mental health, I need this. But which is more important, mental or physical health? It's a toss up, really.
    "Six to one, half dozen the other" my boyfriend would say. I never really liked the phrase, but it works.

    In other news, I had decided to try photography, as suggested.
    And wouldnt you get my luck? I drop my damn ipod and smashed the screen all to cheese&crackers. So no camera for me Thanks karma, you're a doll.
    Maybe one day I'll look back on all this and laugh. Or maybe one day I'll look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Only time will tell.
    -Warren

    P.S.
    Sorry for the TMI o.o
  24. WarrenG
    Everyone has a bad day now and then.
    Maybe they spilled their coffee, or the car wouldnt start, you stepped in a puddle up to your knee...could be anything.
    Mine never start out with physicaly disturbances. Sure, I have trouble with my car. But it's forgivable. My Jeep is my baby. And when I cant afford to fix my baby, she has a tantrum. I forgive her for it.
    Yeah there's days when my hair just does NOT want to agree and be tamed. Or when I seem to smash my fingers in everything I touch. But those dont get to me.
    My mind does.
    And today was one of those days. I couldnt explain why, and I didnt know when it started, but it did.
    It were nearly unbarable, close to driving me to furious fits of rage.
    Everything annoyed me.
    My binder felt too lose, and I were convinced it did jacks*** for my endeavors. I came to the saddening realization that unless I find a new job, I'm never going to be seen for the man I am. And on top of that, it's the secrecy that kills me. Literally eats me up inside, makes me ache and want to curl up.
    I cant tell anyone that I have "gender dysphoria" or whatever anyone wants to call it. Where I'm from, they just called it "Gender Mixed". I dont trust a lot of the people at work.
    My family know. My boyfriend knows. One or two off-line friends know a little, but that's it.

    So when I have to stand there all day, working with the sweetest woman I know who's fighting two types of cancer and is absolutely attached to her friends at work (and refuses to take bedrest and would rather work with us instead), it's hard to get in her face about her petnames for me.
    "Baby girl. Sweetie pie." or "Such a good girl" and countless other remarks are what I endure all day. All in the best intentions, I assure you. Praises and such, and she does it out of love.
    But to me, it's like shes casting stones at my head. Every time she says it, I cringe. I want to tell her, and ask her to stop calling me those things because to me....its insulting. But I'm afraid to tell her.
    I dont want EVERYONE at work knowing about it...if they dont already.
    My boss calls me "Baby girl" all the time out of habit, but I dont think he realizes how awkward it is for me. For him, it's normal. He calls all the girls "Baby girl" or "Baby Doll". But for me.....no thanks.
    But again...I cant tell him not to. Because then I would have to explain why. And that wouldnt go well.
    Days like this, I can say ****my life.
    I'm glad I dont have my "tools". My outlets werent helping, my frustrations were getting to be an alltime high, my confusion was overwhelming....I just wanted out. To go and hide from everyone and not come back. Felt like the whole building was caving in on me, and my mind just kept repeating those names. Baby girl. Baby doll. Sweetie pie. Good girl, good little baby girl.
    It was driving me crazy.

    I couldnt leave and take pictures. I had no inspiration to draw. My music player wasnt helping, and my roleplay buddy wasnt reachable because my messenger wouldnt send. I was at a loss.
    So I got busy cutting peppers and fruits (chef work. yay.) but then had that gutrentching realization...I was holding a knife.
    I put it down.
    I walked away.
    I left work early.
    Without permission.
    I might get fired.

    Warren
  25. WarrenG

    Dressing the Part

    By WarrenG,

    When it comes to being transgendered, it's not just an inside confession or a validation of yourself in your own mind, but it's an outward expression. It's a chance to take your gender that you were born with on the outside, and throw it in your trashcan, light that ***** on fire and say "Good Riddance"
    But sometimes it's not as easy to figure out how to do that when it comes to clothes.
    If you spent your life like me, wandering the Girls section at walmart and curling your nose at all the pink and purples around you, it can be a little bit challenging to walk happily into the men's section.

    At first it were overwhelming, and I started out small. Something trivial at first, something that wont make a huge impact on the way I dressed. Yet.
    Boxers.
    I'd spent years suffering the annoyance of women's underwear, never finding anything that I found comfortable and enjoyable. Plus all those annoying, girly patterns irked me so bad!
    So when I finally decided enough was enough and went to get my first pair of boxers, I was as excited as I was to get my driver's permit. What I grabbed (And I recommend highly) is cotton "Fruit of the Loom" boxer briefs with the "No ride up" legs. They've been a miracle in my life, and I've never been so comfortable ever. And finally...NO GIRLY PATTERNS!!!
    Love em. They cost me about 13.00$ at Walmart, which really isnt that bad when you consider that you get about eight of them, and it's slightly more than womens underwear but.....oh the comfort....
    For any first-timers of FTM, I would recommend doing this ALONE.
    You're going to be nervous and excited, and nothing kills that like someone staring over your shoulder.

    Next thing I ditched were womens jeans. SO FRUSTRATING! All the womens jeans fit weird, and they hugged you like spandex, or were stretchy with no cargo pockets;.....ugh.
    Plus, again, those damn patterns >.< Why put designs on my butt?!
    So, going ALONE again, I wandered to the men's. First of all, the sizings are VERY VERY different. Not only in the fact that they're made different, but they're labelled a lot different. Because as it happens, men are a lot less picky on fitting than women
    I greatly recommend taking like four or five pair to the changing room and seeing what you like, fit-wise. It took me about four tries before finding a pair I liked. But I never felt more confident than I did when I ditched my ladies' pants. HALLELUJAH!

    Finally, shirts.
    This one is something I've had difficulty with. I've learned right off the bat that Binders/Compression shirts under T-shirts....they just dont cut it. You can still see your 'lumps' and tshirts hide absolutely NOTHING from the public eye. Sweaters are great, yeah. Hoodies are my thing. I have a bright yellow hoody with a label on the breast/chest of it and it sort of draws the attention away from my chest a little. But in the summer, I just CANT STAND IT. Way too hot!!
    So with some exploring and experimenting, I have discovered the best thing for FTMs is PATTERNS.
    Distracting patterns are the best thing to hide away your chest, I've found. My favorite so far has been plaid patterns. Dark red and black are my favorites, and they hide my chest fairly well if I slouch a little (which is kinda guy-attitude anyway. dont be afraid to slouch a little, only chicks have pinstraight backs all the time )
    Not only are the patterns cool for hiding things, but usually the shortsleeve or longsleeve plaid (Button up ones are best!) shirts can come in A LOT of different colors, and can be either very thin for summer or the thicker ones for wintertime. They're really versatile.

    Jewelry.
    I personally dont wear jewelry (aside from a necklace from my boyfriend, but it hides under my shirts because it is kinda girly) because of an allergy to silver, and white gold is so darn expensive.
    But in terms of jewelry for FTMs, you want to keep it kind of to a minimum. Necklaces are alright to an extent, but nothing super flashy and "Look at me!"
    Rings, limited. Nothing with a ton of designs or petite ones with the stones on them.
    Earrings....well that's sort of obvious. Guys dont usually wear them, and if they do, its just earring studs. Nothing flashy.
    Wristbands are alright, watches are cool, and some people even tend to put those chains from their belts to their wallets. Those are "okay" but sort of fallen out of style, just FYI.
    Shoes are pretty obvious. You dont want to be running around in pink sneakers or high heels.

    Most importantly:
    BE COMFORTABLE!!
    If you're not comfortable in what you're wearing, DONT WEAR IT. You shouldnt have to change your sense of comfort just so you can fit in. The whole point is to feel like yourself, not like you're trying to fit the image of someone else. There are very feminine (some ppl call them 'The Gay Transguys'? From what I was told, dont quote me on that) FTMs who still are very much in touch with their 'girly' side, and that's totally cool!
    Me personally, I'm more of the punk/emo/nerdy guy, so I like the bare basics and nothing over masculine.
    I'm comfortable in my plaid, jeans, and converse sneakers or steel toe work boots. It's different for everyone, I'm just giving out some pointers and hoping to give you some ideas!

    NOW.......BINDERS.
    I'm still struggling with this one, as I'm very new to the scene. BUT.....wrapping yourself in ducttape, ace bandage, or the stretchy bandages...is NOT okay. I know, I really do. You want to hide it, hell some times you want to just cut them off for good despite the pain. But trust me...this is not the way to go. I tried the bandages, and believe me when I say, they hurt. They rub, they leave rashes, they limit your breathing, theyre hot and hold in sweat. Not only that but they are HIGHLY WORTHLESS in terms of actually staying where you need them. Dont even bother.
    Ducttape will rip your skin, leave rashes, damage your ribs, etc. It's even worse than the bandage.

    I know, believe me, I do. That buying something while you're still 'keeping quiet' is NOT easy, and its almost embarrassing. BUT....here's what I did. First, I started out with a website called Underworks. This is what I bought: http://www.underworks.com/cotton-concealer-chest-binder
    I have to say that this product is....'Okay'. It's not what I was originally 'supposed' to buy and isnt really a binder. Like I said, I'm a beginner in this too, so I werent sure what I was even buying.
    But I told my boyfriend I wanted it to help with my backpain, which was a lie, yes, but it worked.
    It does the job well enough, I guess. Better than a Bra anyway!
    It wasnt really cutting it and I was losing weight, so I took another step.
    Compression tank.
    https://www.underarmour.com/en-us/mens-heatgear-sonic-compression-sleeveless/pid1236226-400
    That's what I bought, and I wear that OVER the other top. I know it's NOT a binder, but it works well enough, for now.
    Originally I were wearing it UNDER the other shirt, but it would rub on my underarms and the other shirt would ride up and slip up over my chest, and not work at all. Since I've switched them around, it's worked a lot better. I have both shirts in black, because the white ones are sort of see through when you put them on.
    Not only is the underarmour a good company with great quality stuff, but some (if not most) of their products are HEAT SHEILDED. Meaning all that sweat you get under your shirts will be whisked away, and you'll be left nice and cool instead of melting. This will GREATLY help you avoid getting heat rashes under your clothes.

    That's all I got right now, and this has turned out a LOT longer than I thought it would be
    Oh well I hope I were of SOME help!
    -Warren
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