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WarrenG

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  1. WarrenG
    First off, Happy Transgender Visibility Day. I was sort of expecting more of a hoo-ha at work today for it, like they do for all the other holidays. Even for LGBT awareness day, they do a cake and ribbons and music and such.
    Today...I asked them to make a cake which he put next to no effort into because he didnt really seem to care, and didnt even put frosting all the way around it.

    The sign was thrown together in about half a minute, and it didnt even mention what kind of cake it was. Which someone pointed out to me with "Is the fact that the sign doesn't say what kind of cake it is a metaphor that means we should like it no matter what it looks like or what's on the inside?"
    Which I thought was a good point and it sort of made me feel a little bit better, but the point I was trying to make still went unseen.
    TDoV isn’t something you’re supposed to just overlook, yet people do. In the LGBT topic, I think that the T and B get strongly overlooked all the time, day in and day out. Simply because people do not understand or cannot relate. Gay is easy to understand. They like the opposite sex both affectionately and sexually. Simply put, and easy to wrap your mind around. Transgenders or Bisexuals is more complicated at times, and I’ve noticed that instead of trying to understand, people would rather just shrug it off and pretend it neither matters nor exists.

    I may be wrong on this theory but that’s just the way I have seen it so far. In my search for a new therapist, I’ve found countless doctors who treat Gay/Lesbian issues but only two out of twenty cover Bisexual or Transgender/Transexual issues. And even though I know it’s something I’m supposed to fully understand, I’ve yet to uncover that fine line between transGENDER and transSEXUAL. People have sent me links and such to read through it, but with my dyslexia, I can only go so far before everything I read leaves my brain or I get side tracked.
    I always tell people “Talk to me as if I’m five and make it easy to understand”.
    Sadly that’s the way I have to have people explain things to me. Feel free to give me your take on the two in the comments, and I’ll do my best to keep up

    Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked I’ll inset the picture of the cake they did, and although I’m glad that they actually did it, I’m still kind of bummed at the lack of effort they put into it. The baker is an excellent chef, and he worked in a fine dining restaurant making wonderful pastries and gorgeous cakes…..There’s no excuse for this. Aside from he simply didn’t give a s***.
    Just saying. Again, simply my opinion.
    The other thing that’s been bugging me (other than the constant depression knowing that my surgery is on a very high shelf that I cant reach) is “Fascination”
    If one more person pulls me aside for a billion questions (half aren’t appropriate to ask) about being transgendered because I’m “Fascinating”, I’ll explode. There’s a difference between being curious and nosey, and sometimes I have to simply fake being busy and run off before I can finish their questions. I’m sorry, but my sex life is my business, not theirs. And I don’t feel like answering questions about my sex life regarding my transgender “lifestyle”. That’s like me walking up to a complete stranger and going “Hey, hows it going? You have blonde hair, cool! That’s so fascinating! Tell me, how exactly do you **** your boy/girlfriend? Do they enjoy that?”
    Seriously people……Seriously….

    On another note, I found an awesome song that I’ve become absolutely obsessed with. It’s called “You can be king again” By Lauren Aquilina. It’s rather uplifting yet soothing at the same time, and I encourage you guys to check it out. I’ll put a youtube link in the comments momentarily.
    Anyway, gonna stop here
    If you guys need to get ahold of me btw, you can find me on Facebook, gofundme, kik or imessage Simply ask, and you shall receive the proper addresses/access
    Yours as always,
    Warren
  2. WarrenG

    MISSION SUCCESSFUL!!!

    By WarrenG,

    I'm so excited I can barely think!
    Oh my good lawd of doritoz, I've done it!
    My name has LEGALLY and FULLY been changed to Warren Renexius Ornan G__!!!
    Kristy Susan is a thing of the past, I have been approved for my name change, and my new photo I.D. is in the mail!!
    The judge was unbelievably awesome about it! I expected 150 Questions and tried to think of the best answers, but as soon as I walked into her office, she simply smiled.
    "Now that I see that you're serious about your transgender lifestyle, I have no problem in signing this right here and right now, no questions asked" she said.
    Signed it, gave me the best of luck, and it was done!
    I couldnt believe it!

    I walked out of that building the happiest I've felt in years, knowing that I can honestly tell people my name is Warren instead of saying "legally its actually kristy, but...."
    I feel so liberated! So accomplished and excited!
    On top of that, my savings for my surgery (i need 8k) is now up to about 1,500$ It's not there, but it's growing!
    I'm so excited, I'm not even sure what to blog, but I just wanted to let you guys know

    OFFICIALLY YOURS,
    WARREN
  3. WarrenG
    I was super excited for this time of year at one point, but now I'm realizing more and more that I'm dreading it deep down inside. Nothing I recieve will be for 'Ren' or 'Warren', but all for 'Kristy'. It hurts and it makes me want to avoid christmas altogether. I've been fighting constantly with my mother just to get visitation with my lil sibling Kai for christmas, as was promised. It has turned into chaos to get her to let her come over, and to be honest shes pissing me off. Finally, after Kai crying and basically begging my mom to let them come over, it's been settled and I'm picking Kai up on friday the 11th. I have plans for christmas with her but do not want to say here on the off chance that my mother might have access, though I have no freaking clue how she would. But she's evil and manipulative so I wouldnt doubt it if she did. Just to 'keep tabs' on me. Yes, I'm slightly paranoid right now.
    Otherwise, work has been great and whatnot. I have 90% of my xmas shopping done and (shockingly) wrapped which is nice. My xmas cards are 80% done aside from mailing them out or handing them out as most dont need to be put in the mail. Which is kind of nice. And I'm still not entirely pleased with the extra blog on my tgg account (alex ) but I guess I should just let it go, since he didnt really have anywhere else to post and isnt very tech savvy. It still seems really really weird to consider myself one of multiple. Just months ago, he were simply a figment of my imagination. A constant and obnoxious voice in the back of my head that I would argue with until it reduced me to frustrated tears. But he's certainly real...no matter how I wish it wasnt true, and I could just be some normal transgender dope. But I guess it could be worse....some people with MPD have destructive alts or child or "littles" alts. Thankfully, as far as I know, its just Alex and he's both mature and non-destructive. Though I wasnt pleased to wake up from a hangover  Thanks a lot. >:( 
    I'm still trying to process the whole thing....I half wonder sometimes if its just a secret side of myself attempting for attention but if it was, then why do we have full conversations and talk back and forth constantly when I'm at work, where no one else is around? If it was for attention, then who would I be doing it for if we're alone? We.....such a weird feeling to say 'we' instead of 'me'. But somehow, it feels more suiting. I just sucks that I have to keep quiet about it around everyone offline. Granted, my boyfriend knows but from what I told him, he assumes that is just a switch of personality, not a switch of person. He sees it as my mind blocking out something and forcing an emotion instead, kind of like being bipolar. He's never met Alex. Not officially. Alex is very very good at surpressing his accent and emotions enough and pretend to be me that no one notices. Aside from downing a drink that I normally would never be able to finish. >.> Again, thanks for that....
     
    Basically life is really confusing right now. I'm not sure what is me and what is him or what is imagination and just...It's hard when I do not have a full validation that it's real or not. I've considered seeing a therapist but there arent any in my area who will take my insurance. I cant afford another bill  Thankfully we've met another person who has MPD (a MUCH bigger system than alex and I. They have over 12 alts 0.0 holy sh--) and it's nice because it gives him someone to talk to that I trust him doing that with. And it gives me someone to ask advice from. Right now, I still am very very very VERY hesitant on talking to anyone offline about this. Only you guys and a few who have paid attention in my transregulars group on FB actually know about him. I can probably count them all on one hand (aside from you guys on TGGuide). Still is very weird to me......
     
    As a sidenote, I told him he could pick my next haircut. And he hasnt let me forget >.< So, pics upcoming when I get it cut next week. Wish me luck....
     
    -Ren
     
    P.S. PROJECTS:
    Front Lawn: (no snow yet, poo!)
     
    CREAM CHEESE/CHOCOLATE CHIP FILLED MONKEY BREAD (IN EACH BITE)

     
    XMAS SNOWMEN I MADE FOR KAIRI & MACKENZIE (NIECES) AND JORDAN (BABY BROTHER)

  4. WarrenG
    So I figured I'd stop in with yet another update, on two things.
    First off, the dog I were helping care for down the road (Weezie) is doing much better! Her owner/mother took her to an emergency veterinary clinic because she were still very worried about her. I were supposed to go with her but overslept and never got her messages, so I missed it. BUT, The vets decided to keep her overnight because of her age so they could examine her and run a few tests. They found that she were severely dehydrated, so she was put on an IV overnight, and much to her delight, spoonfed food. I were correct on the gas, afterall, and they found that she had a gastro-intestinal blockage. Given another week or so, she probably would have passed away. Also the severe shedding were simply because she is an older dog, and we did have a really hard winter, So this is what they refer to as a "hard shed" due to excess oils in her hair and its just a LOT more than normal.
    I'm pleased to report that she is doing MUCH better and is roaming around very happily, freshly groomed and bathed, her nails clipped and ears cleaned. She got very pampered and she loved it! She's now walking and roaming back to normal, and is fully able to get herself up and around without assistance.
     
    Also, It's wednesday!! Which means another youtube video
    It were certainly a bit longer than I had planned, but I were half awake this morning so it's sort of slapped together >.< Enjoy, and feel free to give me ideas and whatnot
    Lots of love and not much to report otherwise,
    Warren
     
     
  5. WarrenG
    So apparently the horrible pain I've been in the past two weeks has a simple answer.
    Breasts.
    I have damaged my Trapezius muscle in my shoulder (middle and lower fibers) from a heavy chest and damaged spine.
    Yet my problems are still "Cosmetic" and they dont want to lift a damn finger or spare a dime to help me.
    Thanks....
    I'm just so done...
    Oh yeah, and my plans for the ocean for my birthday, the ONLY thing I've been looking forward to for WEEKS....cancelled. Due to massive rain. I think God/Goddess seriously just hates me and likes to watch me suffer.
    Plus the fact that I disappear from facebook for a few weeks and no one even notices. TOTALLY makes me feel loved.
    Just done.
    Ren
  6. WarrenG

    No, I'm not Dead

    By WarrenG,

    Good afternoon/morning/evening/Saturday? TGG friends,
    Yes, It's me again. No I havent died and no, nothing super dramatic has happened. I've just taken a lot of time to sort myself out and try and get my head straight.
    You'll be glad to know that I have been 'clean' or 'sober' of self harm for several weeks, and I am so far really loving my job. So far, I have not had a single day of dreading a workday aside from merely just being exhausted, getting used to 3rd shift. But it's getting easier. Speaking of, this'll be short since I'm on my way back to sleep.
     
    I've decided to cease communication (temporarily, I think.....) with a dear friend/sister of mine I met a year ago due to added stress and frustration. Seemed like every single time we talked, we fought. And I really just couldnt deal with it anymore. I've gotten a bit better with the silence and feel slightly better, though not 100% yet. But at least it's something.
    On another note, the cutting. I forced myself to stay away from it in attempts to keep that section of my bicep clean of open wounds...because I was going to cut myself off from it for good. How you might ask? Well, the pictures will explain.
     
     
    "We are not defined by how hard we fall"
    It took about four hours to do the outlining, and I go back in a few weeks to do the shadowing and detail work. My dear cousin and awesome tattoo artist Tim in Montpilier VT did everything freehand for me to make sure it were unique and custom, and I thank him greatly for it. It were insanely painful to deal with at times, especially around the top of the shoulder and back of the armpit area. But with something like this to look at every time I want to cut into that area, I know it'll stop me. Why would I destroy something I worked so hard for? Something I went through so much pain to accomplish? It's the theory anyway, and I'm staking a lot on that theory.
    Besides, the bf will strangle me if I cut up this tattoo. By the time it's done, it would have costed me about 800$ including tip. Out of my surgery funds I've saved myself. 800$ is not 10,000$, which is what I need for my surgery. So why not use it for something that might help me? Hurts to use my hard saved money that was reserved for my surgery, but I dont see myself getting it any time soon.....if at all. But....yeah. So now you all know what I've been up to.
     
    All my thoughts with you,
    Warren
  7. WarrenG

    Sulking in Angry Silence

    By WarrenG,

    I apologize, first of all, for not being here very much the past few days.
    I very much appreciate all the kind messages from you guys in concerns to my wellbeing, but please do not be insulted that I did not reply to your messages.
    It's been sort of a habit of mine of late...
    Online-friends will message my kik or skype, and I read them...Please know that I DO read them.
    But...I cant get myself to reply. I have no words in mind, no fake smiles to share, or motives for my disappearance.

    In truth, I have found that hole I used to hide in, and have fallen deep into it.
    Fallen so deep that it is hard to decide what is up and what is down. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, to be honest. I'm just....so angry....and I dont know why.
    I'm angry at everyone, all the time, over nothing. I'll wake up fine, and it'll be a normal day. Then it just hits me, without me even realizing it...I'm snapping at everyone, glaring at everyone, just all around being a very angry person.
    I dont understand it either, and unfortunately it has made for a very stressful week.
    When I'm not angry, I'm pitifully depressed.
    My therapist has asked "do you think your emotions and depression and anxiety problems root from your gender identity problem?" and I had immediatly responded with yes.
    But sometimes I wonder if its not.
    I know these things have to come from somewhere, and depression doesnt just spring out of thin air. I know every branch has a tree, has a root, sourced from a seed.
    But will being who I really am....really make me happy?
    Will I really be able to wake up and start the day without wanting to curl up into a ball? I dont know. And I'll be honest with you guys, completely ****ing honest....I'm scared.
    Scared that I'll go through all this, do what I need to do, lose a lot of friends and possibly my boyfriend...only to find out that it's not what I really wanted.
    What if the man I turn into, isnt who I've been seeing in the mirror all these years?

    I'm not going to lie. Not even a little.
    It scares the **** out of me...when I think about that. I've heard the stories of transguys doing everything, only to realize that who they were 'pretending' to be was really who they were.
    I've become afraid of intimacy in my whole confusion of self-identity. I dont like certain activities anymore. I avoid them. Sure I'll do it if it's only me, but otherwise....I dread it. And I dont even know why.
    What's bugging me on a sidenote of ^^that^^ is the pain. I get the most annoying pain/cramping afterwards, for up to two days. No one knows why...Mentally I keep laughing it off and saying "It's my male side feeling violated and is angry at me". But medically it is kind of annoying.
    I dont know...I just felt like rambling.
    My harming has come back in a full swing, and I was stupid and didnt use cleaning alcohol before/after so now its all red and sore as hell.
    I dont know why I do the things I do. I dont know why I say the things I say, or think the things I think, or act the way I act.
    I just....do.
    I cant help that. And even if you said I did, I wouldnt know where to begin.
    I have another appointment with "Joan" on tuesday. I'm honestly not looking forward to it. At this point, I'd rather just curl up in bed and flip "the bird" at the world.

    I dont want to deal with this crap anymore, especially when I dont know what crap I'm sick of, or why. I just am.
    Good news is I lost more weight. Bad news is I dont know if its from the exercise that I've stopped doing, or just from my mood this week. Yay, I think?
    Warren

    P.S.
    If you guys need my kik, just private message me. I get your private messages in my emails on my ipod, but cant respond til I get on my laptop, which is never very soon. I can respond better on kik.
  8. WarrenG
    "Neverland is home to lost boys like me, And lost boys like me are free"
    "Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, Wendy Darling, even Captain Hook--You are my perfect story book. Neverland, I love you so. You are now my home sweet home. Forever a Lost Boy, at last."
    Lost Boy by Ruth B
     
    Jeez, can this week drag on any longer? I keep checking my messages and the mail for a response from the insurance company, but no luck. I'm seriously one of the most impatient people on the planet earth.  
    Justin's finger's all healed (for the most part) and we got his stitches out yesterday. ((Cant remember if I told you guys! He was washing a cup in the sink and the dummy put his hand in a glass that was too small for his hands and it broke, slicing open his pinkie. Four stitches and a week of bandage and braces))

    He's so happy to have his hand mostly back XD the dope! We obviously got a cup scrubbie on a stick, like, ASAP. lol
     
    On a more sad note, one of our dogs is coming down sick  My favorite Babe, Ziggy. He's a rather old dog to start with, but the fleas and sensitive skin on our dogs has been relentless and ridiculous. And since Justin's mom is very VERY careful about what we put on the animals in terms of flea treatment, we havent gotten rid of the fleas yet  Mostly because she hasnt been interested in trying anything strong, which I can SORT of understand but jeez....poor animals. Anyway, Ziggy chews on his fur a lot and he has really long fur, so it was getting matted in his teeth. We hadnt really noticed because it was very subtle. We started noticing he had a really bad smell on his breath, so we gave him a bath, thinking the smell was just him chewing on himself. Nope, it was the fur stuck to his teeth. But now my poor baby has sore gums, and his mouth bleeds with almost everything he puts in his mouth (food, toys, himself >.<). He hasnt been feeling very well lately and it might just be an upset stomach, but I worry about him. He's not a young pup (Probably around 12-14yrs old, we're not 100% sure since he was a rescue). Hopefully he feels better soon. I couldnt bare to lose him right now  

     
    I'll let you guys know ASAP when I get a response from the insurance company.
    A huge part of me is dreading that they'll say no again...I was super confident that they'd say yes at first, but now all I can think of is them saying no....Ugh, I hate this.
     
    Ren
     
     
     
     
  9. WarrenG

    Frustrated but hopeful

    By WarrenG,

    I'm not going to lie, I'm extremely frustrated.
    Maybe from not taking my meds last night, maybe from being tired, maybe even from just being restless.
    I'm so frustrated at the moment that I could just scream and start a fist fight.
    This whole month has been one big bowl of rotten, festering cherries in my face.
    First I had that fight with my sister, who has now decided that I'm a bad influence around my nieces, therefore she doesnt want me around them so long as I'm going to be warren, not kristy.
    That's the first straw.
    Then, the whole "You cant change your work nametag until you change your name legally". The constant judgement and attitude from my head chef and then the HR lady (who confessed to someone else that the only reason shes being a b**** to me is because she thinks I'm hurting my bf by changing. Give me a f***ing break. So you're a b**** to me instead? Thanks a lot!)
    That got extremely old, Extremely fast.
    Then, while getting ready to leave for my hour long session of b****ing to my therapist, BOOM, CRASH, SNAP!
    Down I go. Severely sprained ankle, bruises of purple, black and green all over. Later found out I'd also cracked my shin bone, which they can do literally nothing for but let it heal.

    THEN I had the lovely embrace of that bastard they call the FLU. Jeez, thanks for that. Coughing and hacking so hard it'd force me to vomit, my head aching, my skin crawling with either sweat or shivers. That was a lovely time.....not! Then I were slapped with the extra detail that I cannot take any form of cough medicine because it counteracts with my lexapro/anti-depressant. Wow, really? Thanks a whole heaping lot! So the docs advice? Deal with it.

    I had attempted EIGHT TIMES to get to the city and pay the courts a visit to officially change my name. EIGHT F***ING TIMES. Blizzard, car breaks, storms, storms, more storms, and 3 feet of snow in one fall. Finally, on the nineth time, I told my boyfriend ahead of time that I dont give a flying **** what the weather looked like. I was going.
    So a one hour ride took me almost three. Doing 10mph on the interstate because it's backed up with traffic from severe weather, snow piling up everywhere, cars crashing left and right from idiot drivers not paying attention.
    The whole ride I kept reminding myself "its just testing you. how badly do you want to be warren?"
    So I kept going.
    FINALLY I got to the courthouse, after fighting a map to figure out where I was going.
    But it wasnt the right place. They sent me to the wrong one.
    "You need probate court".
    Fine. Give me directions. Drive another ten minutes. This is probationary court. Are you under probation? No? You need THAT courthouse.
    Another ten minutes.
    And another. Another courthouse, another ten minutes, another courthouse.
    By this time I had visited over seven courthouses and been told I were in the wrong one.
    It got to the point where I'd refuse to empty my pockets (as Id had to do for every courthouse) or go through the metal detectors. I'd ask the officers right at the door "can I change my name here? No? Bye."
    I'd lost my patience. Then, after being stuck for 20 minutes at a broken streetlight that rotated turns six times before letting my lane go, I finally reached the actual courthouse that I needed to be at.

    By this time I were going to be late for work, despite leaving at 6am and not needing to work until noon.
    FINALLY I handed over the paperwork, paid the 120$, and was informed of a letter I'd get in the mail in about 5 weeks about a court date. Come and talk to a judge, and I'm legally Warren.
    So, I felt a little better. But then I was late for work and had to move my a**.

    At which point my car breaks down. It shuts off going down a highway, stalls, wont shift....so I sit on the side of the road for about an hour before it actually moves and gets me to work.
    I get to work, no problem, when I realize one of the other girls' nametag. Moo.
    Moo!? Seriously?! I'm not allowed to get my name tag changed to Warren unless I legally change my name, but she can get MOO!? DID SHE LEGALLY CHANGE HER NAME TO MOO!? I DONT F***ING THINK SO!!!
    So, trying to keep my cool, I spotted the manager (theres several of them, and they constantly butt heads. This one is named Mike H. Normally I hate him.)
    He was messing with a can opener that my section were given but done use, due to the fact that it literally SHREDS the cans and I deemed it unsafe.
    I happened to ask him at which point I can get my tags changed, since I had to wait for the paperwork from the court. He seemed confused, arching a brow at me.
    I explained to him that I am transgendered, and want my name tag changed, but was told I couldnt until I legally changed my name. Which I had officially done, but was waiting for my paperwork.
    Of course I also mentioned "Moo".

    He seemed confused. "Who told you that you couldnt?" he asked. I explained, and he became furious. Mike H. is very supportive of diversity with homosexuality, transgenders, crossdressers, etc. The school that I work in PRIDES itself on their openness and support to the LGBT. Yet...clearly under his nose the whole time, was judgement and descrimination towards me because I'm transgender. He FLIPPED. A LID.
    He swore to get to the bottom of it, get my nametag, and take care of the problem. He did as he said. I have my nametag, I have his oath of support, and he even informed me that if ANYONE says ANYTHING against my situation, to tell him immediatly and he'll 'take care of it'.
    So on one small note, it was a very good day.
    He insists on calling me Warren, and he has no problem remembering it. He says it a little more than needed, perhaps to make me feel confident or perhaps just to remind himself of it so he doesnt slip up. But nevertheless, it's improved.

    I'm going to leave this ranting, raging, venting blog here, on a good note.
    My name change is official. I'm waiting on the judge and my paperwork, and I'm officially Warren.
    Kristy will be a name of the past.
    My job has officially been kicked square in the a**, and I can walk around being known as Warren, and legit be able to tell people "name tag says Warren. I had a name change, please dont call me kristy".
    Now.....to tell the boyfriends parents....hrm.
    OFFICIALLY YOURS,
    Warren
  10. WarrenG

    Rejected.

    By WarrenG,

    So, I got the response for my surgery.....After getting my letters in order and lining things up and rushing to get it finished for them before my insurance cuts out ((The government is apparently changing branches and cutting off my insurance before referring me to a new one)), I sent out my request for help with my surgery. Just a reduction, not a removal, and it came with nearly two pages of symptoms and sufferings in detail and with dates. Including: Neck pain, back pain, shoulder pain, headaches, rashes, moving ribs, limited mobility, shortened walking distances, difficulty with stairs, muscle relaxants because of difficulty sleeping, open sores, and more.
    I got my letter in the mail just before Halloween began.
    The response?
    No.
    Just plain and simple, no. Unless I have tumors or cancer of some sort of abnormality that cannot be altered with medicine, basically...they wont touch it. They gave the option of Estrogen treatment which might do I have no idea what to help, which sounds honestly stupid to begin with. In honesty, I'd rather off myself than take estrogen.
    Wtf is the point in even trying....Every time I turn around, I get shot down and stomped on. I cant keep taking this stress and dealing with being lifted up only so they can drop me from a higher height.
    Maybe I should just go back to being Kristy and make everyone else happy...Life would be easier I guess. Not better, or happier, certainly not any more comfortable. But it seems like that's the only thing I'm allowed to do......So tired of having my heart broke....
    Tired of my family hating me. Tired of the drama where I live for being who I am. Getting a lecture for a haircut. Or them trying to convince me to wear feminine things....
    Figures, I was just starting to be happy too. First time I've been properly gendered on the first try with a stranger, earlier in the day with my neighbor.
    "Hi, who are you?" she asked. "Nice to meet you, I'm Ren" I reply. And without hesitation, she asked my neighbor (mama)'s mother "Is this your grandson?". I grinned and nodded a little "Something like that. Technically Anne Marie is my neighbor but I consider her my Mama".
    Grandson......yeah, I kinda like that.
    But then......then this happens....
    I'm just....
    So done.
     
     
     
     
    I posted this on a transregulars Facebook group I'm in (love these guys, super supportive and most are my age)
    So, recent events have prompted me to start sharing this around again....As some of you have seen already, my insurance has turned me down in my request for a top surgery. I have since talked to my doctor and surgeon, and they said that an appeal will not get far because they will simply give me the same reasons for the first rejection since nothing has changed. If two pages of agonizing symptoms didnt change their minds in the first place, it wont in a second try. Besides that fact, my insurance is cutting out in Janurary due to company changes in government, so an appeal would take too long before it would be too late. Unless I find other means of assistance with this, I'll have to pay out of pocket. The surgeon has been wonderfully helpful and understanding, but he cannot change how the fees work and cannot offer a payment plan for understandable reasons. Nevertheless, I need to somehow come up with the funds to pay for it myself. Even if you guys cannot spare a few (which I totally understand, we're all struggling and money is tight as it is.) Please feel free to pass this around. I HATE doing this and I feel like I'm begging, but in a way I guess I'm not too far from the willingness of begging on my knees. The pain I'm dealing with is beyond what I can express. My ribs are shifting, my already-damaged back is getting worse from the weight, my shoulder is being offset, I cannot sleep at night because theyre limiting my breathing and hurting my back in every position, and even binding is becoming something I dread for its ineffectiveness and unbarable agony. I'm running out of options....I'm not sure what else to do....
    -War
    https://www.gofundme.com/givewarrenahand
     
    We'll see if it goes anywhere......Halloween post in next blog.
    Seemingly slipping again,
    Warren
  11. WarrenG

    Attitude Strikes Again

    By WarrenG,

    After my last post/blog, I figured it would be a good idea to give an update.
    No, I were not fired. But I almost was. I went in and talked to my boss about it, and explained that I'd had an anxiety attack, which I'm prone to have. We talked it through and I assured him it wouldnt happen again unless nessesary, and I would tell them next time if I needed to leave.
    He accepted, and I was allowed to work.
    I were on my best behaviour all day, or as best as I could.
    Sometimes theres days when things are so hectic and chaotic, you dont have time to think! But yesterday was so slow, I thought I'd fall asleep. There was no food to prep, no chores to be done, and nothing to do aside from 'look busy or go home'. Which is really hard to do when there's nothing to be done. So I literally crawled under the counters wiping up dust off the shelves, just so they 1)couldnt see me 2)looked busy.

    I kept busy mentally with thinking things through and trying to keep myself calm, listening to music and thinking about the books I'm writing. It all seemed fairly good at the time.
    Then....it happened.
    I were standing on the other side of my counter refilling the serving stations (its set up buffet style) when one of the dish girls comes up to my counter.
    I was friendly and smiled with a "Hey, hows it going?"
    Her response? "Hey! So, I hear you've been spreading lies about me like a b****"
    Um.....what?
    Okay, backtrack to the highschool drama. "Jo" is the french student currently calling me a lying b****. "Britt" is a newer girl. Britt needed a locker. Management gave her one, no problem. Apparently said empty, filthy locker was previously Jo's locker. Jo got pissed, started ranting, left angry letters on the locker...ending in Britt moving her stuff to another locker to share with another coworker. I figured it was done and over with. Apparently not.
    "What lies? If I'm spreading lies, I'd at least like to know what I'm supposably saying" I told her.
    But she shrugged and walked off. I'm sorry, but I dont like Drive By Accusations.
    So, I went to find her.
    Me being a stubborn pain in the ***, I dont let things like that go easily.
    I found her, and confronted her with a "Do you want to talk about this here, or go outside? Because we ARE going to talk about whatever the hell that was."
    She tries pushing me around and giving me a sobstory, which I deflected quiet easily with facts about what she were saying herself were the only things I had repeated, so in turn did that mean she as lying to begin with?
    I confronted her calmly and told her "If you had taken me aside and said 'hey can we talk about something?' then I would have been fine with that. Let's talk. But when you come up to me, on the front line, in front of all those people the way that you did, saying what you did....It's inappropriate and it was NOT appreciated. You want to talk about this like an adult, then be an adult. Talk. But dont do it in front of students, dont do it in front of other coworkers. This is not a competition for drama and this is not a popularity contest. You want to accuse me of something, then get your facts straight and dont walk off like a coward. If you're going to throw things in someones face, at least stick around to see their reaction."
    I didnt hit, I didnt touch her, I didnt swear. I thought I handled it rather well, for me anyway.
    Just saying.

    IN OTHER NEWS:
    I have officially been signed up for a councilor/ phsyciatrist for my gender related issues and anxiety disorder. I'm awaiting a phonecall once they pair me up with one, and will do the paperwork when I get there.
    I'm glad it's set up, but nervous as hell. Got to admit, I almost dont want to go.
    I've had nothing but people trying to convince me for so long that this is a phase, and even I have to question it sometimes. But deep down, I know theyre wrong. But that little fear in me cant help but worry that maybe it's just in my head.
    I know people say "if you know in your heart that it is what it is, then it is". But what if I dont know what my heart is saying, because its too overclouded by what everyone else says? I'm just worried that they'll look at me and say "Nope, you're fine. It's stress/depression related, and we cant help you. You'll have to stay the way you are"
    Besides, me talking face to face with someone about my feelings?
    Not gonna go well.
    Think I'm going to go bury my head in some cement.
    Warren
  12. WarrenG

    A sigh, a Deep breath

    By WarrenG,

    Every now and then, people have to stop and breathe and realize that things they were planning and hoping for...need to wait.
    It's a depressing and saddening experience, but it's one that we all must have at least once every few miles. Sort of like getting the oil changed in your car, you have to take the time to stop and refresh your fuels and reset your priorities.
    For me, its the surgery.
    I know I NEED it to help ease my mind, and make me more comfortable in my own flesh, but I know it's not happening any time soon.
    As much as I wanted to spend my summer shirtless and enjoying the sun and the cool breeze on my shoulders, I know it's not going to happen.
    I dont have the funds for it, and I probably wont this year at all.
    The gofundme account I have up, though I'm blessed that a few have donated so far, I have a feeling wont get me too far.
    I'm not looking forward to the dreadful heat of wearing a compression shirt, binder AND sports bra under my t-shirt or work shirt this summer....but I'll have to deal with it. It wont go away, and I refuse to wear a bra.
    Hell even with a bra, I was dying of heat. I cannot imagine the torment that this summer will bring me, as we've been promised an insanely hot summer this year.

    Swimming is no longer in my pool of options, as I refuse to wear a girl's swimsuit, and there are no swimmers binders for my bust size that will stay on properly.
    I try not to get upset about it, but I know the truth and it sucks.
    The good news is my boss has finally decided to grow some nads and started to call me Warren, as he should have done a long time ago.
    Also I were asked to help host a "Transgender Visability Day" at my place of work, and have talked to the bakery chef about making a Transgender themed cake. I'll take a picture and show it to you guys when it happens, I believe on tuesday.

    I just felt like ranting and stuff, since it's one of my days off and I'm sitting here like a slug. If anyone feels like taking a peek at my gofundme thingie, its on my profile as my status. Have a ball.
    Lots of love and snuggles and all that cheesy stuff,
    Warren
  13. WarrenG

    Friend Issues

    By WarrenG,

    So, I'm kind of at a loss and need some advice or something, though I'm sure others here have way bigger issues than I do right now.
    I have a friend whom I have been friends with for just over a year. In the beginning, we were great friends and she helped me out a lot with my transition and acceptance and etc. But ever since my downward spiral, it's gotten.....weird.
    Originally, we'd planned that I would fly out to her state and hang out for a week (mind you, I'm on the east coast and shes all the way on the west). I admitted that I werent completely comfortable flying (due to anxiety and claustrophobia and never having flown before) so I'd probably have my boyfriend come with me. She expressed that she didnt like the idea, would feel like a third wheel, and I would not be allowed to stay at her house and would need to find my own transportation and hotel. Ouch.

    During this time, I hit a horrible depression and was deep deep into self harm and whatnot, and I just could not handle drama so I told her I needed to step away. At which point I had deactivated my facebook. THE NEXT DAY she's messaging almost all my friends to 'go check on me' and making them think that I had killed myself. WTF!? I woke up to 30 messages from frantic people thinking I was dead. Geez, thanks. That helps the stress level squint emoticon  She's constantly reminding me that she's still planning for me to come out west, Or she will come to my state instead which I'm not comfortable with. Everyone I talk to about my issues with her say she sounds like a jealous girlfriend. Meanwhile she always complains that she misses 'the old you' (meaning texting every day, happy, jolly, fake-love and happiness 24/7 which was all an act to make her think i was fine) and that I dont seem to care about her things anymore. And let's be honest here, I'm SICK AND TIRED of CONSTANTLY hearing 'im fat. I'm ugly. No one wants me. No guy will ever date me. I'm stupid. I'm fugly'. And there are only so many times I can say "no you're not, dont say that" before I just dont fucking care to respond anymore. I know that's sort of asshole-ish of me but ffs....it gets really really old. Every single time we talk, to me, it feels like we're fighting. But she insists we're not fighting, we're 'talking'. >.> omfg......I make a post complaining about drama and that I was going to bed, and she sends a message going 'didnt realize I was causing the drama.....". BI***, DID I SAY YOUR NAME?! DID I TAG YOU IN IT!? NO! SUCK IT UP, ITS NOT ABOUT YOU.
    And when I mention that the constant self pity and whining and crap gets old and that's why I dont respond much anymore (because she gets pissy when I go quiet and so she leaves the convo) she then throws my depression-inflicted complaints back in my face. I cannot help but feel slightly depressed, stressed and aggrivated after ever convo we have. I just......I dont know what to do. I've tried to break it off but she goes bonkers and cries and tells everyone I hate her and goes into a depressive funk until her sister messages me and begs me to talk to her because she starts "crying every night". Idk wtf to do....she still calls me her brother and crap and idk how to confront the situation. 
    On top of that--when I asked her "just to be clear...you only think of me as a brother right?" and she responds with "um........yes". Which to me doesnt sound convincing. Which she follows up with "Can I ask a question? Do you think I'd be good girlfriend material?" o.e like.....what? What in the what---I just--cant---process.....
    Halp......
     
    I've been warned that she's a stalker in the making but I know she's not. She is not a stalker by any means, and is 100000% incapable of harming me or anyone, and I'm NOT worried about her ever being anything situational. Dont get me wrong, I love her. Love her like crazy as a sister, and I care about her. But I just cannot take the stress anymore....I dont know what to do. In the back of my mind I know that she is 100% straight and KNOWS that I'm female from the waist down, so I shouldnt worry about her having a hidden crush on me or something. But some days I really legit' wonder if that's true or not. I dont want to hurt her feelings, anymore than I already have. But it seems like I'm hurting her ever single time we talk.
     
    She does this "acting" thing where she will act out a non-existant part in a tv show. The 'character' has a name, background, etc. Which normally would be harmless. I mean, hell, I 'act' when I'm thinking up scenes for my books but it's only facial expressions, talking to myself in-character and whatnot. She's legit throwing herself around the livingroom as if in a fight scene and actually getting hurt doing it. She's messaged several times about having cut her foot on something or banged her arm or hit her head on something while "acting". Frankly I'm concerned, but she sees no harm in it. I want her to see a therapist and talk to someone but she refuses. I dont know what to do, guys....
     
    Frustrated and At wit's end,
    Warren
  14. WarrenG

    My outlets

    By WarrenG,

    I went to see my doctor again today, simply for a check in or a check up on my medications and what not.
    Normally I'm very nervous about seeing the doctor. I had a lot of health issues I were dealing with and always worried about 'getting in trouble' with my doctor. Granted, I love her to pieces, and she cares more than any other doctor I have EVER had. But in the same aspect, shes not afraid to tell me how it is, and boot me in the butt for not taking care of myself.
    When I finally told her about the self harm, she were not only concerned, but angry with me for not telling her to begin with. She gave me plenty of ideas of helping myself, and sent me off with a parting threat. "If you dont realize how special you are and nip this problem in the butt, I'll find you even more help than what I can give you, and you will not like it. I promise."
    I knew what the 'more help' was. I'd heard about it plenty enough. Mental Help Ward at the hospital.
    NO. THANK. YOU.
    ANYWAY.....after being lectured about weight and this and that..I was really nervous to go back to the doctors today. I'd been working really hard at behaving and eating right and whatnot, and this monday (10/20/14) will be my THIRD WEEK of no self harm. Which, for anyone who's struggled with it, knows thats a HUGE deal for me.
    I took the steps to protect myself and even handed over my instruments, and informed two people of where I were getting these items...so they could remove them for good. It was hard, but I'm glad I did. Because in a desperate need for relief, I went looking for where I get my normal tools. And found nothing but air. So I were forced to cope. And as horrible as it was that day, I'm glad for it.

    To find another way to deal with my growing anxiety and gutwrenching depression, I turned to my skills, as my doctor instructed. Drawing, music, and writing.
    I have started to RP (roleplay, in form of book writing paragraph by paragraph with another participant. In this case, my good friend Destinee who has been nothing but awesome and caring) on my ipod during work to distract me from the stressful reminder that I'm surrounded by hundreds of people all day. (I work at a college dining hall as a chef) And though I'm not supposed to be on my ipod, everyone assumes I'm just changing music, or know I do it for my anxiety, and no one has told me not to. Yet. Here's hoping they wont.
    When I cant RP, or when I'm not in the mood, I draw. I have a designated book which I have dubbed "My Blade Book".

    On the back, I have written my favorite quotes in marker. I'll share them with you
    "To Thine Own Self be True" by shakespeare
    "Without struggle, there is no progess" by Fredrick Douglas
    "The Good die young, but the greatest survive" by My Chemical Romance
    "We've come a long way since that day, and we'll never look back at the faded silhouettes" Avicii
    "One final fight for this tonight" Black Veil Brides
    "Yes, sir. I'm one of a Kind" G-Dragon
    "It's my party, I'll do what I want. So while you sit and watch me, I'll keep dancing" Jessie J
    "Dont lose who you are in the blur of the stars. Seeing is decieving, dreaming is believing. ITS OK NOT TO BE OK. Just be true to who you are" Jessie J

    On the inside covers I have (Front) Blade Free Book. Draw, dont scar. F*** the world, live for you. The good die young but the greatest survive the stereotype. Dont just be "Another boy without a sharper knife"
    (Back) "Sometimes its hard to follow your heart. Tears dont mean you're losing, everybody's bruising. Just be true to who you are. Theres nothing wrong with who you are" by Jessie J, my favorite artist.
    I draw whatever comes to mind, be it angry faces or just something to calm me. And honestly.....it helps. A LOT.
    ANYONE going through what I have been, should consider this. Find a book, any old book. Write your name on it. Cover it in quotes that inspire and soothe you, and just put what you feel in it. Use it as your own personal outlet. And if you feel brave enough, share it with someone. It helps me a lot.

    Aside from my Blade Book, I blog. Why? Because it helps.
    I have a physical social anxiety disorder. To put it simply, I cant deal with talking to people.
    Face to face, in physical contact, I just cant handle it. I get frustrated, flustered, uneasy, anxious...you name it. On here....I feel so blessed, I must say.
    I can blog and vent and talk about my whole transgender journey...and not be judged. I dont have to spend all night deleting harmful and negative comments, and it is sooooooo so soothing to know that I dont have to worry about who is reading my blogs. Because even though to me this is more like a diary, I can take comfort in the fact that I'm not keeping it to myself. I'm sharing, and maybe....MAYBE even helping someone else like me, who is reading it and realizing...they're not alone. That someone out there is going through things JUST like them.
    I love the fact that I can talk about anything on here without editing out some parts so I dont offend someone, because I know everyone on here who reads this is nothing but supportive and caring and trusting. I cannot possibly express how appreciated it is.

    But, I got severely side tracked, as always. THE DOCTOR VISIT!
    So, the outcome: I have lost 15 pounds since my last visit (which my doctor was over the top excited about ) and I have no new self harm wounds (which she also got super excited about lol) and I told her about all the different things I've been doing as outlets instead. The writing and drawing and whatnot. Also the tattoo idea was supported greatly, her words being "Out of Sight, Out of Mind. You dont see it (scars), you wont think about it. Plus with something beautiful there, you wont want to wreck it!" Which I agreed with 100000%. Though its waiting till the end of november because its sort of expensive. She urged me to try and lose another 15pnds by the end of janurary (GAME ON! Right...after....this bowl of icecream. HEY I DESERVE IT DARN IT!) And to keep up my hard work of resistance. Hell. Yes.
    First time I've left the doctors with a smile on my face
    Alrighty world, I'm done ranting and raving.
    Even my crappy night at work couldnt push away my happiness of a silly doctors visit.
    I'm on a roll, darn it!
    -Warren
  15. WarrenG
    So today was my first day of therapy EVER, and it goes without saying that I were a nervous wreck. I got up much earlier than I even needed to, and wandered around the house like a bored lunatic.
    When I finally decided to leave and went as slowly as I were comfortable, just killing time and cruising along, I still showed up at the office a little more than half hour early.
    Signed in, no problem.
    So I was sitting there for a while and the secretary comes over and sits next to me.
    "I overlooked your paperwork." she said. Overlooked my paperwork?
    "I just now realized your dysphoria part of the paperwork. Do you mind if I switch your doctor last minute? I think you'd be more comfortable with a different one".
    Uh...sure? How the hell should I know, I havent met any of them
    So, they switched my therapist. No worries.

    The woman was actually very nice, and somehow I found it very easy to talk to her. She actually GREATLY resembles an elderly (though shes younger lol) woman I used to care for. It's almost incredible how much they look alike, though several years apart.
    Before I even realized what was going on, she had gotten me talking, and it was actually pretty easy to spill my guts a bit.
    She then told me "I'm not really supposed to reveal my own personal life with you, but my daughter is actually one of the leaders of a LGTB community". Awesome! EUREKA, someone who knows a little of what I'm tryin' to talk about!!
    So, you guys were right and I feel dumb for stressing about it so much, but it wasnt THAT bad.
    I actually like her, and was surprised that I actually felt a little better when I left today. Lighter.
    Stronger.
    Getting that tiny bit off my chest felt so much better...
    She wants to see me every week, and hopefully I can financially do it. I'm not sure if I'll get an after-bill from my insurance company since I have to do a 20$ copay. Hopefully not, because I wouldnt be able to afford to do it very often. Fingers crossed!

    I'm thinking of talking to her about maybe getting a little piece of paper for her to just scribble her name on so I can give it to my mom, to prove to her that I'm seeing someone for my "issues" and ITS NOT A DAMN PHASE!!!!!
    Even the woman (I feel horrible for not knowing her name! I forgot already!) said it doesnt sound like just a phase to her. Thank god, I'm not crazy!!


    LATER TONIGHT: I decided in celebration of not losing my mind, I would go buy a 6-pack of my favorite drink, Mike's Hard Blood Orange. Usually one, and I'm done anyway. I dont go all out on it, BUT the drinks are seasonal unfortunatly, so I have to wait all year to get them (Half thought of maybe buying a few 6packs and storing them over winter for me to enjoy until they come out again! Will write the company about keeping them year round.)
    Anyway, I got my merchandise and some tonic water for the bf, and headed to the check out. Things were going good, I werent really paying attention because I simply just wanted to go home and play some Minecraft with my booooze (lol) and the girl asked for my I.D.
    No big deal, I know I'm twenty two, I'm allowed to buy it.
    So I handed it over.
    She looked at it, and arched an eyebrow....and didnt hand it back.
    She kept looking at it, and looked confused.
    "This is your I.D. or a sibling?" she asked of me. Uh....huh?
    The girl claimed I looked nothing like the girl on the I.D. and didnt believe that it were mine. So she called the manager, withheld my I.D., and waited for him to show up.
    WHAT!?

    Manager shows up, and agrees with her So I had to hand over two other forms of I.D. with my name on it so that they could make sure it was a legit I.D., and I was on my way with the suggestion that I should get a new photo done.
    Actually his words are "If you're going to change genders, change photos. It's inconvienant for both you and us."
    >.>
    Granted, the picture really is a bit different from me right now. But still.....that was rude.
    So I took my damn drinks and booked it.
    I just finished my second one and you know what? Life is pretty peachy at the moment. I'm not drunk, thats for sure. These are only like 5% alcohol. But its nice to finally relax. I dont feel so alone on this, because I know that on tuesday, I can go and drop some more of my boulder-sized worries on my therapist.
    Thanks for all the support, you guys make me smile when I'm frowning and pick me up when I'm tripping on my own two feet.
    I'm so glad I found Transgender Guide, it's made life so much more tollerable.
    I dare say enjoyable.
    Warren
  16. WarrenG
    Hello again, my Lords, Ladies and Majesties.
    Up front I want to apologize for my outburst and dramatic exit. Stress has been neck deep over here and I unfortunately dove head first into the fritz so bad that Ms. Frizzle would surely kick my not-so-royal behind. I took a break and tried to collect myself again, but I cant promise that I'm back up to par. I still have a LOT going on over here but I'll do my best. Please forgive me if I mess up on my swearing and stuff again, but yes, I did read the rules and whatnot. Thanks for letting me know about those, I hadnt seen it posted and totally missed out on it. I'm trying to think of new, inventive ways to get out my annoyance with words much more innocent (and maybe amusing). I have a bad habit of swearing, I'll admit it fully. I put full blame on that with how I grew up  Vermonters swear WAY more than we need to  
    Anyway, I guess everyone wants an update (sorry if I start sounding like alex, he's on the edge of consciousness to let me know when I'm swearing again and sometimes his influence tips into my writing >.< )
    So my little brother has been dragged to the depths of Georgia and every day he messages me it still irks me to no end. Not because he's messaging me! No way, I love him messaging me. It lets me know that he's okay at least. No he messages about all the shinanigans my older (and much less intelligent) sister is up to, normally barraging poor Kai with insults and criticism about being transgender and having his absolute own fashion sense (he seriously does lol kids today ) It annoys me so bad that she treats him like that  and there's nothing I can do about it. I legit cannot even explain how much it annoys me without going back into my swearing fest (which I'm avoiding )
    Otherwise he's alright. I plan to send him a phone card for his no-contract phone, some t-shirts (since my dead beat mother doesnt buy the poor kid clothes ) and some other random stuff so he doesnt get too sad down there. My mom is beyond ridiculous. Poor Kai, when he was visiting, came into my room all pouty and said he had to wear his boots when we were going out to lunch. When I asked why, he said it was because his shoes had finally broke. His converses, over two years old, full of holes and tears had finally decided to quit on the poor kid. You'd think, being a mom, that the darned woman would have bought her kid new shoes when they first started to break! No, she'd rather buy herself new shirts and new cowgirl boots.....UGH!!! It took me 20 minutes of convincing Kai to let me buy him shoes, giving him the end choice of buying guy shoes with me or dealing with mom buying him girl shoes later. I think it was the only reason he said yes, and it made me feel better knowing that he was being sent to Georgia with new shoes at least.
    With all that aside (for now  more drama is sure to come), this sunday is the 13th. My Surgery Consultation.
    I'm supposed to meet up with Dr. Robert Feins in Manchester NH, and a lot of people have said he's amazing. I've gone in for a consultation with him before and he is, I'll fully admit, awesome. He's super friendly and if you guys remember my blog about my first consultation with him, he's extremely thoughtful when it comes to pronouns and whatever. So I'm kind of glad to go back to him in particular, but I'm also really nervous. I have a new insurance this time, and one that someone else said had approved them for top surgery. I know that I cannot do a full removal (bummer, believe me, but I totally understand the reasons) because of my weight. Reason being that if they went totally flat chested when I have kind of a belly on me, it just would not look natural. My plan is to have them go as small as they will let me, and then I'll be able to work out easier and work it off. If I have to go back in a few years to finish it, so be it. But I'm nervous because what if my new insurance is like the last one and says no? What if they tell me I cant do the surgery without hormones, which will surely end my relationship with my boyfriend? I kind of want hormones, but I want to keep my boyfriend even more. I can totally understand HIS side of everything in not wanting me to go on hormones. I mean, come on, give the guy a applause will you?
    Justin's 10000000000% straight (was homophobic when we first met until I whipped it outta him! ) and he's dating a transguy. He let me change my name, my pronouns, my gender marker---cut my hair, change my style, etc. For a straight guy, that's a lot of leverage! We've been together 6 years this september. I cant just throw that away for a deeper voice, some muscles and facial hair (which I already fight with).
    So, yeah....Maybe nervous wasnt the right word.
    Okay, confession. I'm terrified. I dont know how I'll be able to deal with being denied surgery again. I only have 233(?)$ out of 9,000$ needed for surgery if I pay for it myself, on top of us trying to safe $ for an apartment so we can have our own place and so I can rescue Kai out of my mom's abusive household. I'm broke guys, like....legit broke. I have 20$ in my wallet right now and that's for gas money. Spring Break is here which stinks for us people who work in the education section, meaning my 30hr work week is down to 12hrs a week. My paycheck is going to be absolute bologna ((Really hope my substitutes for swears is okay so far. Let me know!!!)).
    I think in the bank, I have a maximum of 300$, which will be gone by the end of the week because of car payments. I swear, not only can I not keep up, but I cant seem to stay afloat lately either. Granted I got my taxes back, but I didnt even break 1k$!!!!!! It's almost not even worth filing taxes  So frustrating!!! I want to get a second job but I cant because then I'd lose my insurance.
    (I'm the one face first on the ground.)

    Anyway, That's basically life right now. Chaotic, annoying, frustrating, the works.

    Oh yeah, then someone told me I need to drink a cabbage/carrot/turnip drink. 0.o Like, what!? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS!?

     
    Oh yeah, and I've been going to the gym whenever I think of it and working out more on the treadmill and stuffles. 5pnds down! Which.....I'd gained from junkfood.....my bad.

    -Ren
     
     
    P.S.
    It was a rare 65F here in New England today ((IN MARCH!? WHAT!? WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?! REVEAL YOURSELF, TINY WIZARD!))
    So here's some pics of me and my Massive Moose and Fuzzy Friend, (Black Lab/Great Dane) Angel and (Collie?) Ziggy; Both rescues.



     
  17. WarrenG
    Sometimes I forget when this all started, or if it ever had a start to begin with.
    "To Thine Own Self Be True"
    Shakespeare said that. In his act of Hamlet...Polonius in Hamlet said "This above all: to thine own self be true,And it must follow, as the night the day,Thou canst not then be false to any man.Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!"
    The first bit always got to me. 'To Thine Own Self Be True" I didnt discover this quote until one night I were surfing the internet, my left arm numb and puffy from another bad day, and it just randomly popped out at me. I'd always been a fan of Shakespeare and Longfellow, and of course Mark Twain. But it were on that particular night, when I had attempted and failed to take too many medications. I'd simply had enough. I didnt want to deal with the pain and anguish of life unknown. To endure the suffering frustration of not knowing who I were, or what I were doing, or why I were so cruelly cursed the way I were. I kept thinking "If there even is a god, why would he play a joke so cruel as to put my mind in the wrong body, just to watch me suffer? And not only let others alienate me, but let me alienate myself."
    I were no stranger to pain. I were a very clumsy child by birth. Constantly breaking bones or bruising my flesh by accident, so much in fact that the doctors pulled me aside at the age of thirteen and asked if my widowed mother were abusing me. She werent, of course. But I were always bruised.
    At the age of seventeen or so, I began the foolish endeavor of burning. I'd heat up a butter knife with a candle, and burn myself. On my neck, my shoulders, my arms...none scarred though. I werent sure why I were doing it, I only knew that it made my emotional breakdowns better.
    I knew there were something going on with me, and I couldnt figure out what. I were always sad, always annoyed, always angry. Nothing anyone could do or say would help, but increase it.
    Unfortunatly, nothing my mother would say or do helped either. She seemed to make things so much more worse, and it wouldnt be until I got older did I realize she werent doing it to be mean. She just didnt understand what was happening to her daughter. I refused dresses, I despised shopping, and every part of me wanted to break down and start to scream when she demanded I keep my hair long.
    I hated myself, and I couldnt even understand why. Looking in the mirror, staring at my reflection, and wishing I could make it disappear. All of it. I didnt know what I wanted different, but I just wanted it.
    I didnt understand why the terms "miss, ma'am, girl, woman" offended me so much. They're just words, right? Just things people would say? It never occurred to me...
    When people would say "because you're a girl" or "girls shouldnt do that", All I wanted to do was scream on top of my lungs and tell them to shove it down their throats. I were so violent...all the time.
    I became severely depressed, and nothing could soothe me. Id always wanted to continue doing self harm, but I never worked up the nerve. I couldnt get myself to start. You see...I didnt want to die. I didnt want to take that chance, and have an accident. I just wanted to numb out the mental anguish.
    Back this year, I had finally leapt that boardwalk and plunged into the darkness of regret. I had finally told my boyfriend that I were bisexual. That part was easy. He were actually glad for it.
    But when I told him I were male, just not physically, my life turned upside down.
    Our relationship strained, though neither of us would let go of it. We couldnt...not after four years together. I found something at my place of work, in the first aid box on the wall. At first it were innocent. I had a splinter, so I found something called a "Splinter-Out". Nothing that could cause serious, life threatening damage. I took out a splinter, and were amazed by how well it worked...
    And I started my journey through the darkness.
    It started with just a few. Two cuts, that's all. But then it became four. And five. As I sit here, I can count out the twenty-five little pink scars on my left and right arms. And those are the ones that remained, not including the ones that never stayed behind. It became a staple for my anxiety, to hold back my fits of emotional breakdowns. The physical pain numbed out the emotional turmoil. But when I realized that I couldnt 'just stop', it scared me. I turned to my boyfriend, and a few online friends.
    So far, I'm on day 14 of no cutting. And it's not easy. Today has been horrible....
    That's why I'm writing. To distract myself. To pass the time, and keep myself safe.
    And mostly...to get it off my chest.
    I'm in the process of getting a tattoo over my scars.
    A nice victorian gothic scroll over my forearm. And the quote on top of it?
    "To Thine Own Self Be True"
    -Warren
  18. WarrenG

    Breathing Optional

    By WarrenG,

    So, first off I want to apologize for my last blog post, I apparently was having a bad day/night and needed to vent. I do want to thank everyone for their words of encouragement and assure you that I am less RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWRRRRRR today and more ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz JUST BECAUSE IM THAT BIPOLAR.
    Yup, that is my life.

     
    SO, on another note, it IS Wednesday, and as some of you may know, it is my YOUTUBE POST day. So I have posted my weekly youtube post, and here ya go>>>>
     
     
    or (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y04F-D5GmvU) for those of you that the video doesnt show up on. Just...ya know.....click it. I SAID CLICK IT~!
    Surprised that I have a good handful of subscribers already but who knows? Maybe this was a good idea after all! Gives me something to do anyway.
     
    Otherwise nothing going on. Therapist still wont send me my files, I have to call them AGAIN in about an hour, which leads me to wonder if I even have a file or if she was just bullshitting me the whole time and has NOTHING written down which would annoy me to no end.
    And despite what I have been told, I have decided to stop taking my Zoloft. Not only because I've been off from it for two weeks anyway (headache free, might I add) but because I notice NO DIFFERENCE with taking it versus NOT taking it. I get the same depressing outcome anyway, so.......why add more chemicals to my day if they're not at least beneficial? Seems a waste. ANYWHORE, I'm going out for dinner at Papa Gino's (pizza place) with the bf tonight despite my soul-crushing dysphoria, so wish me luck on that one that I dont have a mental breakdown and shatter some faces
    .
    SIDENOTE: Omagerd I soooooo wanna get some transpride buttons for my backpack or something. I'm not so huge on the tshirts because for whatever reason I almost feel awkward (not embarrassed just.....pass) on wearing my trans pride shirts. Simply because I get a lot of awkward stares or disapproving glares WHICH I KNOW I SHOULD IGNORE but it still gets to me. SO, I think I'll stick to my plaids.
    Havent cut in two-or three- days so I guess that's a plus. Got all my aggrivation out I guess, I dont know.

    STAY AWESOME.
    Warren
  19. WarrenG

    Muddy Trenches

    By WarrenG,

    Sometimes I cant help but wonder why I bother trying. Why I push so hard to make things right...
    Today's my birthday, yes that much is true. And it werent a 'bad' day, and my bfs family and whatnot did what they could to make it nice for me. But I'll admit, it was a little hurtful not to see "Warren" or "Ren" on my birthday card. Due to butting heads about it, they left it blank...Instead of a birthday cake, they did a various sliced cheesecake...most likely to avoid the name situation again. Why is it so goddamn hard to use a name that I LEGALLY claimed as my own? Just thinking about the stubbornness makes me tear up...It's not fair...
    Although the beach trip was postponed from Saturday to Sunday for better weather, I cant help but get super grumpy at the same time every night, not sure why. Consistantly, every single night, I get overwhelmingly p***ed off every time at absolutely nothing, making people around me miserable. I dont mean to do it, it just....happens...
    I'm gaining weight back, which doesnt really sit well with me, making me even MORE depressed. I joined a transgender support group on facebook which, at first, was great. Made me feel good to talk to other FTMs and whatnot, but recently I've found it more and more depressing. Watching other transguys go through their lives successfully with supportive family and friends, getting their surgery dates and starting hormones....I dont have any of that. I have two supportive people, and the rest are "tollerating" my "condition". I cant afford my surgery. I cant afford hormones...I literally cannot help but cry like a baby when I think about how long I'll be stuck with these f***ing "tumors"....I want them gone. Perminatly. I dont want a half-assed downsizing, I want them GONE. G.O.N.E.
    I'm just....so tired of waiting...Nothing is going anywhere. I'm walking in circles it seems. Nothing I do changes any of it. At least, that's what it feels like. I've found myself curling up in a ball trying to sleep, crying and thinking about it all. I'm stuck in a hole.....
    My state has nothing to help me with, as if it's bound and determined to keep me in my "feminine place". My insurance was useless when I DID have it, and now that I dont have any at all, it hurts even more. Everywhere I turn to, turns into a dead end. Endless loops. Anyone I meet who is supposed to help, cant. Anyone I hope to understand, doesnt. I'm just so lost...Even now, thinking about how much I'm in the dark on direction, I start to tear up. I've fallen back into that dark corner of my mind, regardless of what I do. I took a double dose of my muscle relaxant, as I were told I'm allowed to, just to try and sleep and escape my grief. Come to find out, I cannot handle that much, and had a reaction to it. I dont even remember damaging my bicep, all over again....and now...I'm hooked all over again. It's all I think about. All that crosses my mind. Dare I say, the habit has captured me in my vulnerable state once more.
    Went to the salon today to get my hair cut....A place where my hairstylist KNOWS that I'm transgendered. We've talked about it and I gave a brief discussion, and she'd never questioned it before. Never had a problem, and I loved going there! I still do, to a degree.....She hired another boothrenter, or another stylist you could put it, to help her with the work load. This 2nd hairdresser seemed nice enough, really. I didnt have an issue with her for the most part. But...she kept repeatedly calling me feminine pronouns and such, and it was really starting to bug me...Waiting for MY stylist to say something only seemed to hurt more when she said "Why dont you go let this sit while I cut your sisters hair?" to my little sister...about me...... Dare I say it, my heart broke a little. I smiled and ignored it, but it hurt...it still hurts...I know some of it is on my part for not stepping up and saying something about it, but how could I? Not without it making a scene or upsetting someone. It just....it hurts....everything hurts. Emotionally I'm exhausted. Mentally I'm conflicted. Physically I'm weak. I cannot go to bed without getting so frustrated I end up punching parts of myself because I just hate them. I hate them being there. I hate seeing them. I hate feeling them. I hate literally EVERYTHING about them...
    I dont even regret self harming...I'm not hurting anyone but myself. And sometimes its the only relief I get, and none of it is life threatening. So what does it really f***ing matter? If no one can help me with my gender problems, how the hell do I expect someone to help me with my harming problems? I'm a wreck, and I'll just have to deal with it. Lay in the mud of the trench that is my life. Occasionally I have the little flowers that pop up out of the mud like you guys, my boyfriend or two sisters. But basically....that's it. And its hard to see them through all the mud and darkness.... I just...dont know what to do anymore...
    I almost dont even care anymore.
    Warren
    (new hair. mastered the fake smile)
    .
     
  20. WarrenG

    I'm Still Here

    By WarrenG,

    Like the title of one of my favorite songs, "I'm Still Here"
    I havent forgotten anyone, and I havent fallen off the face of the planet either!
    This month has been rather hectic for me, in truth. December begs to be a difficult time for everyone, naturally, since everyone has SOMETHING going on for the holidays, no matter how much of a hermit you plead to be.
    For me this year, I was blessed with the company of my little sister for the month. For me, it's a huge thing, and I were doing my absolute best to make the most of every day. As her visit is slowly coming to a close (she leaves the 17th poo) things are starting to calm down a little, and I have unusually woken up rather early today. So why not post a quick blog??
    We went to the movies, went out to dinner several times, shopping, etc. Spoiled her rotten, I dare say!
    As for my own personal moments, there havent been too many worth noting, to be honest.

    I cut my hair even shorter, and by god to I love it!! It's so much more comfortable and....well...me!
    I style it how I want it, and I've never been happier with...well my face I guess! XD
    Though I've noticed changes. Not in me, in particular, but those around me. The strangers that pass me by as I shop with my sister or boyfriend. The glances that repeat and the glares that persist.
    I thought the bathroom issues were troublesome before, boy I had no idea how easy it was back then.
    Now that I'm convincing the world of my manliness....bathroom situations have gotten that much more awkward.
    Of course I still cannot venture into the men's room as of yet. But the glares I get in the womens room....yikes. One woman went as far as to glare at me and mumble "f***ing f**s"
    I guess she wasnt wrong, really. As a Bisexual Transgender, in one way or another I guess I am a f**. I dont take that as insulting, because it sort of is the truth. I dont mind
    But the tone and choice of muttering is what got to me, really.
    I brushed it off and like any other day, just pretended I was the only one who’d notice my unusual awesomeness.
    I cant remember if I told you all about my experience with buying alcohol…..Either way, here’s a recap. A few months ago, I had gone in to buy a 6pack of my favorite Blood Orange from Mike’s Hard. Delicious, but seasonal, which is unfortunate. But anyway, I wanted to get some as it is seasonal and wouldn’t be out for very long. ANYWAY, I went up to the register and attempted to buy it, and so came the ‘carding’. But she wouldn’t accept my I.D.
    So she called in her manager, who also would not accept my I.D. because it “simply is not your I.D.”
    So…they called the cops too. An officer came, looked at my I.D. and shook his head. He said he could see ‘some’ resemblance but was yet convinced, so he asked for me to show to other forms of I.D.
    So after handing over my S.S. card and my library card, along with my work/campus I.D., he finally let me off the hook and I left with booze in hand. But with the recommendation that I get the photo on my I.D. changed as soon as I could. Especially in case I were to get pulled over for something!
    So….I DID!!
    It took a little convincing and again, I had to hand over other forms of I.D. to prove that it was my own. Which in a way made me feel good because my transition is convincing!
    I’ll add the photo soon

    On New Years I had a bit of a falling out with my boyfriend, which I sort of expected to happen anyway since things had begun to get so rough.
    In the moment when neither of us wanted to walk away, he finally stood up and demanded I stay and that we work this out, convinced that he’d be alone for the rest of his life if I left because he didn’t want anyone else. Honestly I cried so hard that my head hurt for three days afterwards, but we worked it out. Dare I say, and knock on wood, but our relationship has been better than ever since. We agreed that we’d talk about whatever is going on at the end of every single month, because we both have the habit of bottling up our emotions and keeping quiet until we explode.
    So hopefully, in that department, I’m better than ever
    As another plus, I went to the bank to cash in my unemployment check (laid off from Dec 19th till Jan 19th, and I get a whole whopping 48$ a week jeez, thanks.) and the woman had to actually stop and ask “Are you Justin or Kristy?”
    I wanted to hug her for even asking! It felt silly, but awesome. Even Justin chuckled at it, because he knew it made me happy to have my gender questioned.
    Then when trying on new pants at walmart, the woman assumed of my gender role and automatically sent me to the men’s dressing room instead of the women’s. It’s tiny little things like that, that make my day complete. It’s awesome, and though it seems silly to some people…it makes me a lot happier.
    I’m officially OFF the self-harm-watch-list by my therapist (Was one month cut-free up until a week ago, which was due to an imbalance of my medications. Noted: Don’t take Lexapro at the same time as Levothyroxin. They counterbalance eachother!) but I stopped just a little ways into the act and turned to using markers instead. I’ll show you the picture for that too, don’t worry.

    BUT I think I have dragged into this blog long enough, and I’ve music to go download and exercise to get back to. From 230pnds down to 211! I’m getting there!
    Best of love and hugs and all that lovey gooey mushy stuff,
    Warren

  21. WarrenG
    Ok so I figured I'd start out by jumping right into my pool of angry venting and oblivious flailing. Sort of like a seagull who just witnessed some scumbag stealing "his" crumb. You ever watched a seagull in a McDonalds parking lot, when someone throws a french fry and some other gull grabs it? He's all "AAAAAH!!! YOU SCUMBAGGGG!! I SAW DAT FIRST, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! YOU-oh, hey, that hooman has another one!?"
    That's how I imagine it anyway.

    Well let's start off with today, and I'll backtrack into my sea of awesome, like a backstroke, to the good parts.
    Start with the bad, go to the good. So we leave on a good note, and not the bad. It's opposite day.
    Just go with it.

    So I get up sort of late today, not like super late but enough for me to actually put some pants on instead of wandering around in my boxers for half an hour.
    I get up, get dressed, not even attempt to do something with my hair. It's going in a hat anyway, who cares? Not this guy.
    So I get my shizz (backpack full of notebooks I know I'll have no time for but I bring them anyway) and throw on my boots, and head out to my already-breaking Jeep. I call it my Heep. Heepa-jeep.
    It's official name is Demon. Cuz its red. And reasons.
    ANYWAY. Jump in, start it up, and the usual check engine light is on. I dont panic. There is no panicing involved since it's been on for about a month now, because I have a hole in my Kat that needs to be welded plus the fact that my muffler is rusted out which matters NOT because my whole damn exhaust system is basically unattached.
    Poor person problems.
    Anyway, I'm driving along with my radio blasting as usual and DIIIING.
    Not like a little "hey, hows it goin, check this out" sort of noise but more like a "HEY!!! DUDE!!! DUDE!! YOU SEEING THIS!? ARE YOU F***ING SEEING THIS!?"
    To which I reply "Ah, crap."
    My EBS or Electronic Braking System, as decided it needs attention. It wants service.
    To which I reply "Too damn bad, bish, I'm going to work!"
    So I ignore it.
    Then I look down, and notice my car is overheating.
    Oh, fun. Blast the heater, roll down the windows, and enjoy the 50F weather with my heat on. No problem. Okay, so since I'm ignoring it so far, my jeep decides to amp up the annoyance.
    "Oh, I'm an automatic? Haha, funny. YOU shift, I'm done."

    Yup. No shifting. Had to do it myself. THEN, THEN (Nope, not done yet) I stop somewhere to let it cool and give me a break, and it decides "I dont want to keep going! You're on your own, buddy!"
    and doesnt want to start. My reply, naturally was "YOU HEAP! DO IIIIIIIIT."
    And it did it. Because I'm a human. And I think I'm the boss. But dont tell me I'm not even though it's obvious that my car rules my life. Damn it......

    Basically to fix all the shinanigans (which decided to magically disappear once I told my boyfriend who traded vehicles for the night so he could work on the jeep. Thanks Demon) it's gonna cost me about 200 monkey moolahs which we all know is like 2000 real money.
    Thanks. Thats....wonderful. Thank you, I needed that boot in the butt.

    BUT, YOU WAITED. YOU READ. YOU LISTENED. You may or may not have been sympathetic, and if you were I thank you, if you werent then get lost;
    But here's the good news.
    You ready? Yeah? Nope, gonna stall.
    So I went to see my doc, and we talked about the cutting thing and the medications (which she decided to change to a different brand, Zololf, which I so far love) and all that blahness. And I explained to her that my back is still in pain from my obviously huge bust.
    I have to sleep upright, I cannot lay on my back or stomach because it hinders my breathing, and to my absolute horror; I went up a bra size. Yay me.
    So she said she would talk to someone and not to worry about it.
    So I get a call about a referral. No big deal, we'd been talking about getting me a new therapist anyway.
    Call them back....."I'm sorry but I'm just not seeing a referral to here....Are you sure it were for a therapist?" they ask me. To which I reply "I have no freaking clue. You called me, I'm calling you, it's a party."
    So they search around and ask a few departments (huge hospital, lots of chaos) and then she goes "Oh, you've called the wrong department". I'm assuming maybe financial aid, the padded rooms, maybe a straight jacket factory......nope. Better.
    And there's not much better than a soft, comfy, private padded room.
    "You're looking for the Plastic Surgeon. This referral is to Doctor Shin, the plastic surgeon."
    Oh. My. God.
    No.
    Nope, I need pinches. Someone pinch me.
    So naturally I bawl like a bitc*.
    They transfer me, we talk, and yup. You got it.

    My Official First Consultation with a Plastic Surgeon concerning FTM Transgender Top Surgery is coming to my nearest hospital on May 6th of this year.
    IT'S ON, LADIES AND GENTS.
    OHHHHH IT. IS. ON.
    No words.
    I'm done.
    I dont think I need to explain for you to understand my emotions.
    I think I'm gonna go die now.
    In a good way.

    TOOTLES!
    Oh and I love you all.
    Just as a footnote.
    LATERS,
    Warren
  22. WarrenG

    I'm still here

    By WarrenG,

    I'm still with you guys/gals/people
    I havent left you, despite my almost complete disappearance. Things got so hectic and depressing that I had set aside all of my extra things (youtube, blogging, etc) and abandoned all of my activities in the trans community. I didnt want to be a part of any of it anymore and I didnt want to deal with any of the dysphoria that came with watching the progress of everyone else. It was too much.
    I met friends through the many groups but they kind of drifted away to do their own things, and in my own opinion, seem to be forgetting the little guys that looked up to them in the first place. It just became too much. I was struggling with SH and the rejection my family was putting on me plus just about every other nasty thought that ran through my head on my own doing. So I left, and I apologize for that.
    I'm still struggling with the SH. I thought certain things around cure that problem for me but apparently it will still be a struggle. Not sure why I thought otherwise. But I wanted to update you all--No, I NEEDED to update you all on this. A struggle you all knew I was having.
    TW: Possibly graphic to some people
    .
    .
    .
     

     
    As of April 30th, I've officially had top surgery done. The procedure was done by Dr.Robert Feins in Manchester NH and done at the Nashua Surgical Center in Nashua NH.
    I'm still a few weeks into healing but so far I love the results. I've had a few issues with the incision line as you can see in the front, but it is expected to smooth itself out on its own. They removed a total of TWELVE AND A HALF POUNDS off my chest and will remove more after I heal when they do the revisions on the sides and possibly the front. Aside from about 2500$ out of pocket (deductable, tissue sample tests, anesthesia and etc), my insurance through Harvard Pilgrim covered my surgery.
    It's so nice to be able to breathe and move around properly, though now I've come to realize how big my belly is (now that I can SEE it). But in due time, I plan to fix that. Work right now has been chaotic and we've had one person quit so a lot of the job falls onto me.
    Sadly, I've also considered quitting my job. But I feel awful for considering it so soon after getting my surgery covered by insurance through my job. I feel like pitching out now will be like "thanks for the surgery, bye!" but I'm seriously at my wits end with this job. I'm exhausted, nothing is consistent, there is zero communication and its just so frustrating. It's not what I want to do. I planned to go into the police academy. Which brings me to our next topic.
     
    Education: I was homeschooled by my mother, who I am no longer on speaking terms with. I've come to realize that me being homeschooled was just a byproduct of her doting on my older sister, like always. She struggled in school so we ALL got taken out. As an aftermath, my education lacked horribly. I was handed my text books and left to essentially figure it out on my own, lying on tests to make it more believable as I was given the answer keys just so I could pass and she wouldnt get in trouble. As a result, I've taken the time to make a resume to apply for Dispatch 911 operator. I cannot be a police officer right now so I'm starting small. However, when I found my highschool diploma...I realized that its FAKE. My mother never actually got me a diploma and using said diploma (which she didnt even bother to fill out) would be fraud. So, I need to get a GED apparently. I'm beyond furious that she lied to me and I dont actually have a highschool diploma but I cannot say that I am surprised either.
    Job: As said before, I'm still working security but want to change my job.
    Life: MY BROTHER IS LIVING WITH ME. I cant remember if I told you all that, but my brother (19 and trans) was being verbally and mentally abused by my mother but I had no way to get him to safety. UNTIL my partner and I were able to get an apartment with 2 bedrooms and I took him to live with me! He's been here about 5 or so months and it's been rocky here and there but we're happy and he's safe so that makes me happy! My SH is somewhat under control right now. I'm about 3 months SH free but I dont suspect that'll last with the stress I'm under right now.
    Youtube: I have quit youtube for now with the sad realization that I had no place in it to begin with. I had nothing to talk about, not much of anyone watching, and no idea what I was talking about half the time anyway. I had removed all of my videos and washed my hands of it until I feel comfortable enough to start it up again. My first video will probably be about my next topic.
    Transness---Am I really trans?: Due to a series of events that I'm not sure how it started but it all sort of fell into my lap regardless, I've had some sneaking suspitions on my gender. No, scratch that. My Sex. I know my gender. I know I'm a guy and I am totally cool with that. It was the sex I was not certain of. Now most people can look down and go "yup, my sex is _____" and call it a day. I've never really had that. I've been with several cis women and I never really felt as if I was on that same level that they were. Something was just...off. Looking back at my childhood, I realized little things here and there that greatly supported my suspicions. It was not until meeting a friend of mine who is a counciler for LGBTQ+ teens and talking to her a bit that I stumbled on my own reality. It all fit, like one of those puzzles you forgot you had but never finished. The I in LGBTQI+. 
    Several medical abnormalities, a few extra doses of T that I normally shouldnt have, some things in my sexual adventures that were a little off and not to mention the adam's apple, abundance of hair and my overall structure made me stop and poke her brain into the world of Intersex. It took me only ten minutes to realize that it all sounded a little too familiar. I didnt call my doctor because...let's face it. I had to teach HER about transgender things. You really think she'll know anything about intersex? And I cant just go get a new doctor, a complete stranger, and go "hey, I think I'm intersex. Let's chat."
    No, I stuck with my own "professional" and we dove into it through texts and chats and me doing my own exams with her guidance. Then the big leap. That huge jump that I've never actually thought I'd ever take but I was so desperate to know the truth that I did it anyway. Pictures. I showed her my concerns and she took all of five minutes to confirm everything without even needing to consult her books. I'm not male, I'm not female, I'm intersex. And from her own expertise and what she can see without me physically being there--The doctors who delivered me took that extra step to keep me labeled female; most likely without my mother's consent. However, little things my mother had said to me in the past that seemed irrelevent back then are now horribly relevent and now make perfect sense. She had to have known at least a little bit. But why did she fight it so hard when I came out as trans? Why does she constantly throw that in my face that I'm born a girl? I have a feeling that even if I asked her, she'd lie to my face. So I'm content with not bothering to quiz her on the details of my birth, if she even knew about that aspect of my sex. But now I know, and honestly---I feel more at peace with my sex than I did before. Like that hole in my identity has been filled and it finally all makes sense. I'm Pseudomale Intersex and you know what? I'm okay with that. And this is the first time I've said it somewhat publicly. Some have asked me "Can you even be trans then if you were never technically cis?" and the answer would be "yes" to that. I've had to do some thinking on that myself, actually. But because I still ended up with some altering I had to do and the fact that some of my 'gear' is not cis male, that still makes me trans. And I'm cool with that. And even better, my partner shrugged it off and said "nothing's changed. I've been with you for 8 years, I'm cool with it."
    Which brings us to:
    Partners: I'm still with my amazing bf Justin. He's been insanely supportive of me and he and my brother were my saving graces during my surgery recovery time. They were so careful to help me and be the most help they could possibly be. I dont know where I'd be without them.
     
    So I think that pretty much catches you all up on my life right now. I do plan to add more blog posts now that I have my account again and I look forward to catching up with everyone again. I hope you're all well and I hope to see your lovely faces again.
    Lots of love,
    Warren
  23. WarrenG

    Brief Update

    By WarrenG,

    Not much to update until my consultation aside from someone accusing me of having HIV for being trans and refusing to allow me to serve them a drink because they "werent sure of transgenderism is contagious as it seems to be spreading like HIV and filth". 
    Yay me.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RK_jvDoBll0 my new video
     
     
     
    Warren 
     
    Also, going to dye my hair. Not sure what color. Past colors in below photos:
     

     
    Open to suggestions
  24. WarrenG
    SO, Long time no see lol Sadly I've not had the chance to upload any youtube videos but I'm hoping to do that tomorrow while I have the day off. Oh yeah, the day off....I LOVE MY JOB.
    So far the people I work with have been INSANELY AWESOME. They're so laid back and cool, and I love it. I started my first short-night last night with helping at the bar of the academy (yeah i know what you're thinking. A bar? At a school? But during the summer we host scientists and adults so they get drinking nights lol) and it was awesome. Everyone's so friendly and cool! I did talk to my boss (starr) about being transgender, and she assured me that it was NO problem, and to correct her if she ever uses the wrong pronouns. She's been super awesome about it and I am so super super grateful for it.
    The dress code doesnt exist, so it allows me to wear whatever is comfortable which is a huge plus. Cellphones are allowed as long as its not obsessive, which is totally awesome because I'm not comfortable with being out that late at night without some way of calling for help if I needed it. My shifts are going to be on the third shift, which I'm oddly perfectly fine with. Granted I sort of miss my boyfriend, but we'll make it work. Last night I worked from 9pm until around 130am, which was a lot shorter than what my usual hours will be but I was only training for the bar. I even did such a good job keeping up and getting in the hang of it, that they offered me to come back tonight as well which I agreed to do.
    Right now I'm sort of bummed on the other hand, and extremely frustrated with waiting for my top surgery. I mentioned in a transgender Facebook group that I'm in that as awesome as it is to see everyone getting their top surgeries and everything, that I'm also sort of bummed out to see it. I in no way meant it as a "stop posting your surgery things" but more as a "I'd love some support right now". But in the end they turned it around to where I'm the bad guy for saying it. In another group that is made JUST for top surgery related issues, I posted my gofundme page as I am fully allowed to do, and got bullied for it. It totally made my depressed mood even worse.
    The man responded to my post with "Sure. I'll do that right after I've saved up every single spare penny I've found to fund my own damn surgery" and it sort of hurt. I said "thanks for the sarcasm and making my shitty night that much more shitty" to which he responded with "Dude, everyone here is going through the same struggle as you are to raise money for their surgeries. posting your little whiney 'give me money' page on a page where guys struggle every day isnt helping anyone. I could say the same to you. thanks for making my day shitty by reminding me that i still dont have money for surgery. Stop whining and grow up and stop begging, you're pathetic"
    Honestly, I dont like having a gofundme. I feel like I'm begging. But that just made me feel so much more worse and honestly almost drove me to self harm, but I were able to avoid it and just ended up curling up in bed later. Though there were a few other guys who defended me and the rude comments had been deleted, and an admin even stepped in to say that I AM allowed to post my gofundme and I did nothing wrong....it still made me feel like crap.
    My once 36D chest (4 yrs ago) is now a painful 44DDD and it hurts...I cant hardly bind anymore. My ribs are killing me. Breathing is agony, and my back aches horrible. Especially when I take my binder off at night because it's been so tight and constricting. But I cant do anything without it...I'm so lost. I cant afford my surgery and its looking like no companies will help me cover it. I'm so disappointed
     
    Trying to stay positive,
    Warren
     
    SIDENOTE:
    So I can legally change the gender on my license with a note from my doctor which I did. But to change it on my Social Security, I need an amended birth certificate or bottom surgery proof? Wtf kind of crap is that? 0.o So to some paperwork I'll be a guy and to others I'll be a girl. Yeah, that totally makes life easy  systems' screwed up, man....
  25. WarrenG
    I never thought of paperwork as a trigger. For anything really. Depression, anxiety, etc.
    But I came to realize it today.
    I woke up extra early and left to run some errands, knowing I had to build up some courage.
    I paid my bill (some of it at least) to the hospital, and stopped by the local pharmacy for a few things for my costume on friday, then I made one more stop. The councilling building, where I'll be going.
    After pulling into the driveway that I nearly passed by because I were nervous, I pulled in and instantly didnt want to leave the safety of my vehicle.
    "You're only picking up paperwork. It'll only take a second" I kept telling myself.
    It took several urges of courage for me to rip myself from my Jeep and stumble up to the doorway.
    I were instantly greeted at the front door by an overly twitchy man waiting for his doctor, and surprised to see that the waiting room was full with awaiting guests. One of which were mumbling rather violently at himself about breaking someone's face. I had to remind myself that this werent the normal doctors office and theres going to be some odd ducks here, but it didnt make me feel any better.
    "Am I damaged?" I thought to myself. "Am I here with the schitzophrenics and mentally insane because I too, am crazy?"
    It werent nice to label people I didnt even know, but with my nerves being on haywire...I jumped to conclusions about Mr. Twitch and Mr. Angry.
    I just wanted to get the hell out of there.
    After getting my paperwork, I fled like a chicken in a fox den, safe back in my car away from people.

    I thought "No biggy. Just fill out some info, write down my address and such...and I'll be done. No problem."
    Well, it werent that easy. Sure they asked my name, age, address and all the normal shinanigans, but it were ELEVEN PAGES (No kidding, and back to back pages! so like 22 pages of info!).
    I'm going to go through the paperwork that I had to do, little bits here and there, in case anyone is doing the same thing for the first time as well. I dont want you to be caught off guard!
    Dont be afraid to stop and think about your answers before putting them down!

    The first clue that this werent normal paperwork was it asked for my name, first last and middle. Easy.
    "Preferred name or nickname"
    No one has ever asked me that before....I've NEVER seen it on paper before....I had to actually stop and think. I were being given the choice? This never happens though....
    The next was the mindnumbing task of checking boxes of the concerns or symptoms I've had recently. I had seven
    Well, eight. They didnt have a box for the gender thing, so they had me add it in writing.
    They asked about stresses or life changes (For me, it would be the coming out to limited amount of people in my life about being transgendered, which has caused a lot of stress)
    Next they ask if you've seen a therapist in the past, and for how long, blah blah blah.
    (This is after two pages of insurance and contact information, the usual blargness)
    Then another surprise.
    List your family while growing up, but it goes with "Relationship, first names, and PERSONALITY/Mental health issues"
    My mother, withholding names here...Is somewhat controlling, manipulative, strict, and stubborn. But god knows I love her. I'd like to slap her sometimes, like.....really hard. But I still love her.
    We have a lot of history of not getting along.....

    Next was my father. Sadly my father passed away in an auto/tractor trailer accident when I were about nine, so I cant say full heartedly that I knew everything about my father. Other than he was the most remarkable man on the face of the earth. Outspoken until provoked, but sweet and caring...My real life prince charming.
    Then I have my older sister, a drama queen and attention hog. My brother, who became angry and violent after my father's death. Younger sister who is more like me than she realizes, outspoken, quiet, favored at a young age then seemed to be forgotten. Then my youngest brother, who is loud and frustrating and autistic, but I wouldnt change him for the world.

    They ask about your childhood and to check off a few boxes (were you happy, neglected, moved a lot, abused, no friends, abused sexually, popular, shy, depressed, things like that.)
    They'll ask for additional info of your childhood. For me, I always had to fight for the spotlight as a child. My older sister was daddy's first girl, so they always went out horseback riding. It was 'their time'. I understood that...But I liked horses too. My brother was my father's only son, so of course they went hunting....I liked hunting too. My baby sister was his baby and his little princess, being only about two at the time. So of course she got a lot of attention. I got whatever was left over.
    I remember only going hunting with my father once or twice. Horseback riding....never, that I remember. Most of the time I watched in depression and abandonment sensations as he played with my siblings. The black sheep only get to watch.
    By the time he were done, he were too tired, or couldnt think of what we could do together. My mom wasnt exactly the 'sit and play' with her kids type.

    Then they ask about who you live with now, and the same personality thing. I couldnt really think of much to say about the personalities of the people I live with now aside from anger issues, controlling, manipulating, drama fests. The usual human aspects, I've noticed. For some reason they asked if I lived in a house, dorm, apartment, etc. Not sure how that's relevant....
    Asked about marriages, failed marriages, etc. What you do for work, what you like to do for work, how often you work, what you like/dislike about your job, blah blah blah.
    Home life: Your hobbies, how often you talk to people outside of work, how many people you talk to about your feelings, are you satisfied with your romantic life, describe your romantic life, OI VEY.

    Then it goes on to HEALTH ISSUES. What accidents or illnesses have you suffered, what meds do you take, how many hours of sleep do you get, how often to you drink or take drugs, exercise, tobacco, physicals.
    Then one question stumped me.
    "List your personal strengths and important accomplishments"
    That's when it hit me...
    I couldnt think of any strengths. I've made no important accomplishments....what am I doing with my life? Am I literally just waking up, going to work, and calling it good? What greatness have I achieved? I felt pathetic. I had to leave it blank....I could think of nothing. I still cant.
    My romantic life is in shambles, I've done nothing to help or end it. My mental health is waving back and forth like a piece of string in a breeze, yet I've done nothing to tie it down.
    My physical health isnt the greatest, yet I continue to do things I shouldnt.
    I get told every single night "Put the heavy trashbags on a cart, dont put them on your shoulders"
    Yet I do it anyway, suffering sore back, lightheadedness, pulled muscles and even bruising on my shoulders. Yet....I keep doing it.
    What good have I accomplished in my life?
    Nothing.
    I cant even transition without chickening out because of what people think about me.
    I wear boxers, thick hoodies, binders, compression shirts, mens jeans, steel toe boots....yet I'm still always going to be a girl to the people around me. I've accomplished...nothing.
    -Warren
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