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WarrenG

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  1. WarrenG

    Milestones

    By WarrenG,

    Milestones are fun lol 
    So yesterday was a rare awesome day. First started off with me waking up to the LEGAL NATIONWIDE GAY MARRIAGE!!!!
    Omagerd I was so happy!!! Originally I was like "it doesnt include me, but I'm excited anyway!" until I realized it DOES include me. If/When I change my Gender to male, if I ever want to marry a man, that includes me!!  After that I got a call about my broken down jeep, so I went to investigate. After a week of searching for solutions, they realized its two cheap parts and they can do it in an hour. So, it's there waiting for me and I'm so happy I didnt have a blown transmission!! I got more ingredients for my smoothie-kicks lol (NO KALE!!! ew.....) and was pretty happy about that. Got home to three letters. Two from the state insurance (I think I got accepted, but dont understand the papers. I left a message for my agent at the hospital who will help me figure it out lol) which would include gender therapy in the future  I also FINALLY got copies of my file from my ex-therapist Joan, with a paper I'd requested acknowledging her awareness and working through with me about the transgender issues for a while. The woman sucks at writing them, obviously having never done them before. It literally says 
    "I worked with Kristy/Warren since _______ regarding her transgender issues. We no long are in therapy sessions due to her financial difficulties."
    Wow, that kinda blows lol but thanks?
    SO all in all it werent a bad day  Today.....today I hit another milestone of being a man
    SHAVING.
    I've always had to shave my mustache, ever since I were about 14. My upper lip, and pluck some black hair from under or around my chin. It's always been there, and I've always had to manage it. (Further proof I'm not supposed to be a woman? 0.o) but today...Today I looked in the mirror and noticed my face had new friends. Last night I had to trim my sideburns and around my ears since I'm growing my hair out a little bit. But all along my jawline and underneath I have blonde hairs. Peachfuzz I guess. But theyre long o.o Like....REALLY long. I pulled one off my shoulder that was almost two inches long!!! So....I shaved. So exciting and so small but damn if it didnt feel right!
    Aftershave smells so good, I'll admit. It's just a tiny thing and to some people it might seem silly, but to me....It's like someone handed me a free softserve icecream cone.
    So, yeah. That's my day so far  Well, yesterday lol. OH and my sister DID call to invite me to my niece's fake-birthday party. Ironically she planned it for a day that I have a docs appointment so I had a legit excuse. Foiled her dastardly plans!!!
     
    BACK TO MY BUFFALO CALZONE!!
    Warren
  2. WarrenG

    Support Amy ^_^

    By WarrenG,

    Okay so I wanted to throw up a really quick blog entry for my friend Amy, who has recently decided to start up her Youtube channel with an introduction video
    If you guys/girls would like to check it out, please feel free to give her a thumbs up and some support  (my brain is so fried from no sleep i wrote thamb up and some supper lol guess im hungry XD)
     
     
    Sending some love your way, Amy!!
    Warren
  3. WarrenG
    I never thought I would be here...at this impass of live. That moment when the fairy tales seem to take life and not in their usual good manner. The moment when a step-parent becomes the wicked witch or that menacing warlock. I never thought I'd be a part of it...
     
    Joey is his name. On first impression, I knew I didnt like him. His eyes told of selfishness and laziness. His posture spoke of sexism and over-tried alpha tendancies. His breath rank of an unrecognizable stench that turned my stomach, and his lack of manners towards the opposite sex was appaulling. He's a pig...but even pigs are better suited.
    The first moment I laid eyes on him, I had driven into the driveway to visit my family. I'd missed the wedding, so this was the first in which we'd laid eyes on eachother. I was not greeted, and I was not acknowledged. He simply looked up at my vehicle, seemed to sigh with annoyance, and wandered off to whatever he was doing. A simple 'hows it goin?' and 'not too bad' was exchanged as I approached the house, and that was it. He followed me in like an executioner to his post. It were not until my mother introduced us that he actually seemed to look at me. None too pleasantly, might I add. I was introduced as her daughter, her Kristy....I corrected that I were her son, Warren, and attempted to shake his hand. I got a hug instead, and it were not willing. I were not permitted a handshake it seemed. When I voiced that hugging strangers made me uncomfortable, he said 'you'll have to get used to it. I married your mother'.
    His eyes is what told his story. The eyes are often called the windows to the soul and he does not have a glamorous or spectacular soul by any means. In fact, I would hardly even shutter if the dear Hannibal Lector happened upon him and asked to dine on his overbloated, beer infested cadaver. I would, I do believe, incline to his request and simply wave in acceptance while I watch him carry him away. He's not a bad man, perhaps. Just a bad egg...
    He brings out a side of me that I have kept submerged for years. The Dominance side of me that sometimes concerns me and terrifies my soul, but I were often informed that it were another personality of myself. A more formal, gruesome side of my personality. I often thought of him as perhaps an imaginary friend, taunting me when I were too weak to stand up for myself. His name changed now and again...First it was Ben. Then Alex. Then one instance, he even called himself Dorian. I'm not sure what he calls himself now, but I can feel him reaching the surface once more. This....Joey....brings him back from the darkness in which he once slumbered. Even now, as I'm typing, I can feel his influence. Even in the way I write things, I feel that there is a shift in personality. A sinister switch...It began long ago, as most stories do, with my childhood. The childhood in which blood and gore were of no stranger to me. Slaughtering animals and lifestock for food, a odd fascination with their pieces being seperated so that we may dine on their once-lively muscle tissue. My...'brother', I guess you could call him, evolved through the years. Becoming more aware, more violent, but more able to mask himself in my own personality. "Influence, my dear.....the whole world runs upon influence. It is the only way that the good may triumph whilest the bad secretly are the marionettes to the puppets. You, dear boy, will thrive off my influence. I'll guide and protect you. And when the time comes, you will take the bench, and I shall orchestrate." I remember the words perfectly. At the time I thought it were simply my imagination running wild. But in the years to follow, I've learned that it were actually he himself. My brother..my other soul..the drum in my ears when things got too chaotic. The force behind my fists and the growl within my screams.
    Joey....that aweful lump of a man...he has brought my brother the life that he had once had in my teenage years, while catering to my vampiric Dom side by night. In secret, fleeing to the only family who accepted me. A clan of outcasts, vampire enthusiastics. I had quickly become one of them. I became a Dom as easily as one would crack an egg. Maybe a few pieces fell when the shell broke free, but the yolk took over these pieces as if they were nothing. Moving them out of the way as it pleased. I felt free...HE felt free. But I left the coven and decided to 'grow up' when mother moved us away. He has been silent since, perhaps worn out over his profound freedom. But this horrible....stepfather of mine...has brought him back. I almost worry about his intentions.
     
    He dislikes me. That much is clear. Joey, that is. Alex, as I will call him until he reveals his true name, adores me. We're one, afterall. But Joey....dear pathetic Joey...he makes my stomach cramp with disgust. He annoys me with his very presence. He treats my siblings like butlers or cattle, pushing them around and bending them to do his will but with no more of a reward than the common dog. Perhaps a scrap of affection, maybe he will throw old bones to them, but in the end--to him, theyre still just dogs. His real prize is my mother, who I fear is growing more and more sour with every passing day of their newfound marriage. It sickens me...I never had a good childhood, that much is clear as day. But watching my siblings relive some of the horrors that I learned to push through makes me furious. He treats them like dust, glaring at them until the day he can wipe them away. Joey did not marry my family, he married my mother. And only my mother. He's just waiting for the day when he can push his influence into my poor, naive little autistic brother's head to gain him over to his side. To mold him into himself, as no man has ever held the bond of fatherhood over him as he now can. The rest will move out, he is sure. Or, by all means, he will push them out. And so far is succeeding. What drives me mad the most is my mother's blindness. Her own bitterness and sour disposition seems to surface with his presence as well, though she hardly notices. She's more cruel and unforgiving to my siblings as she had been before. She will boast on her facebook about her perfect family, and how wonderful everything is and how much her sweet children adore her new loving husband. But as I once heard someone say---The beautiful portrait that you display on your wall....it hides the most hideous stain in the wallpaper.
    I wish to be rid of him....My little brother, as he now wishes me to call him, is coming into his own. Not the autistic one, Jordan. But my---dare I say it----favorite sibling. Kai, my dear Kai...What I would give just to see his happiness...He's been so tormented in this world, and by family the most. He is like me, and perhaps that is why I adore him so much and wish for his happiness. It's a happiness I was rarely granted. At first I were jealous of the attention he recieved for being transgender. The affections he were granted that I were denied. The opportunities my mother has given him that I still am shunned for. But now I see it....my inner brother has reminded me of it several times when I become jealous.
    "Kai is living the life that you had always dreamt of. Though it may be cruel.....help them achieve it. Help them become the young man that you missed out on being. You get to flourish as a man, but they get to blossom as a boy. Help him, and perhaps you'll even discover yourself."
    There's a bittersweet truth in it. And as much as I fear any advice from Alex, I think he may be onto something. Parents mold their children to live the lives they always wanted. Perhaps, in a way, if the child is willing and as wanting as yourself---is it really so bad? Perhaps not, if the situation calls for it.
     
    But one thing is certain.
    Joey needs to go.
     
    -Warren.......and Alex.
    Note: Perhaps my therapist was right. Perhaps DID isnt so impossible of a diagnosis....but he's not a disease. I'm starting to enjoy his company.
  4. WarrenG

    Is it Spring yet?

    By WarrenG,

    Okay, I will admit and submit to my foolhardy wish for winter. Yes, I did crave a nice snowfall. Some nice puffy snowbanks would have been nice, ON CHRISTMAS. But now that it's Janurary, the sudden drop of -3F weather and ice covered everything is getting really old. It's not that I dont like the cold (hell, I've been going to work in my work sweater and work boots as my only bundling up causes lol) But the fact that it rained directly afterwards and coated everything in inch thick ice is really old. I didnt buy winter boots this year because I didnt feel I needed them. Realistically, I still dont think I need them, considering I'm wandering on ICE and not five feet of snow that we usually have by now.
    ANYWAY, Enough of my whining XD Things have been alright over here for the most part. Rather non-dramatic unless you count the chaos going on with my baby brother Kai. I'm so lost as to what to do to help him. CLEARLY he's not safe with my mother, but I cant take him here either. I'm not a legal guardian, plus I live with my boyfriends family so I really cant just pick him up and say 'live with me'. I dont own the place and it wouldnt be right. Plus he's still doing school and whatnot. But I could SO EASILY turn my mother in to the state....
    I finally got the whole story on what was going on. Kai is depressed, that much is obvious. I feel so bad because there's nothing I can do about it because he lives so far away from me. He has next to no friends aside from who is on the internet, and he cant talk to them very often because my mom lives off the grid. Literally. They have no running water, no plumbing, and the only electricity they get is when it's windy and powers their windmill. They live 2 miles up a one-way dirt road with no neighbors and in the middle of no where. That's how my mom likes it. She's lived in places like that every since my dad died, and dragged us kids along with it. She tells people how happy her family is and how great everything is and how much her kids LOVE living in those areas. It couldnt be farther from the truth but no one gives a damn! I want to go on her profile and rant and rave SO BAD about how [BAD] of a mother she is, and let people see the truth of her PERFECT FAMILY. But they all think I'm the crazy one anyway so they'll think nothing of it  It's so frustrating!!!
    Anyway, Kai was extremely depressed and all my mother seemed to care about was the fact that the dishes werent done. So Kai...tried committing suicide by cutting. And when my mother got involved and found out what was going on, instead of sitting down and trying to be sympathetic and help, she said this....
    "If you're going to kill yourself, fine. But I have three requests. Dont do it in front of your brother, Dont blame it on me, and Do a good job with it because I'm not taking care of you if you turn yourself into a vegetable."
    ARE YOU  KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?!? YOU DONT TELL A SUICIDAL CHILD TO GO AHEAD AND DO IT AND MAKE SURE THEY SUCCEED!!!
    I'm so lost...I want to call DCF and tell them about Kai's lack of schooling, the abuse, the suicidal tendancies.....But what would happen from it? Mom would know who told them depending on who she'd told this information, and then what? I'd be banned from seeing Kai, or Kai would go to a foster home (and wouldnt last 10 minutes on his own there), or they'd just leave it be and Kai will either commit suicide or my mom will beat him to death. She claims she's not abusive but I know better from my own personal experiences! She's beaten near every one of us kids, and although none of us had broken bones from it, the emotional and physical trauma she's caused is NOT small! I dont know what to do to help....If I call someone, Kai will be in danger. If I DONT call someone, Kai STAYS in danger...I'm so lost ;( 
     
    In other news...Apparently Alex is becoming rather popular on facebook (which is okay i guess) and I've been so tired and stressed lately that I just let him take over 80% of the time. But now that we've become (unfortunatly) aware of more than just him in there, life's getting hectic. So apparently (according to someone else I'll mention) there are five. Including Alex. One of which is a female, who we've named Abby. (She said she didnt have a name and wanted one so Alex and my friend Destinee named her). She's....interesting. And frustrating. Very feminine and insists on trying to put make up on me or wearing feminine things and it drives me crazy  Sometimes I wanna strangle her, she's so annoying! Alex tollerates her but I think he feels the same way. She's fronted a few rare times but never for more than an hour. Thankfully. But there is one other I'm aware of that almost costed me my relationship last night. Justin (my boyfriend) and I went to the theater to watch Star Wars. (No spoilers, but fantastic movie! BUT, be prepared for a disappointment as well.) After the movie, we went out to eat and sometimes (especially if he's hungry and tired) Justin gets kinda cranky. He was getting annoyed at the restaurant/pub because the food was taking a long time after we waited 20 mins to be seated, and he had to go and put more quarters in the meter so we wouldnt get a parking ticket. So he was reasonably annoyed. But I sort of dozed off and felt a switch coming on, but assumed it was just Alex so I let it go and didnt think much of it. Apparently it wasnt Alex, it was someone else. (Lesson learned: ask first, switch after.). This one is apparently younger than me, more timid, male, and almost has a childish sort of attitude. Like a submissive "Little". He apparently was upset about Justin's attitude and when Justin got up to use the restroom, he showed obvious signs of not feeling comfortable and was all pouty or something. A couple who sat at a table nearby (gay couple, maybe they felt sympathetic because we looked like a gay couple ((in my mind we are, in justins we're not.)) ) wove for him to come sit with them instead, probably assuming we were in an abusive relationship. AND HE ALMOST DID! He was going to get up and go sit when them instead and ignore justin completely!!!!! UH, NO!?!?
    Thankfully Alex took over and prevented it and told me about it after. This whole MPD thing is getting out of hand!!! I dont want to see a therapist and have meds shoved down my throat but if this keeps progressing and getting worse, I'm not gonna have much of a choice. I'm gonna have to go  It's stupid because this stuff usually happens when life is stressful and traumatic right? I dont feel traumatized! Granted, I'm slightly stressed about the Kai thing, but I thought Alex and I had it under control! Ever since taking those muscle relaxants to try and sleep, this has gotten worse. There are nights when I cant even sleep because all I hear is inaudible noise from everyone talking up there. Its driving me crazy!!!
    In other news.....I finally organized my penguin collection lol. I have a small shelf area (two actually, one atop the other) of penguin things. Cups, figurines, an adorable penguin musical thing, boxes, snowglobes and etc. But one thing I've also collected a lot of over the years with christmas and birthdays is STUFFED PENGUINS! LOOOOOVE it but I only really sleep with one in particular; the first one I ever got. It was a gift from Justin when we went to see real penguins for the first time. I named him Jack and he sleeps with me lol He's an African Penguin (Jackass penguin. No joke, it's the actual nickname on account of their braying noises). But I now have fourteen other penguins and some are NOT small. One is even three feet tall! All have names, because I'm pathetic XD.
    But I bought a shoe organizer thing that you hang on the wall and so they all have their spots hanging above my bed. Love it. It's the little things  
    Anyway, my brain is killing me (Headaches for the past three weeks. Not sure what from but sometimes I literally hide in bed all day because it's legit throbbing >.< )
    Love and Respect to all you ppls,
    Stay safe,
    Ren
  5. WarrenG
    Hello again lol So I have something I wanna talk about. Anxiety at work.
    This came to mind shortly after watching a bit of a recent movie (cant remember the name of it. Something to do with a woman working in fast food, getting fired, then robbing the place). It really brought up some memories of my first time working for Dunkin Donuts. My anxiety disorder was basically ruling my life at that point, but I desperatly needed a job and I was willing to take what I could get. Sadly, it ended up being Dunkin Donuts. After a ton of hassle about tests and blah blah blah, I was finally hired to do prep work, cleaning and register. It was alright at first. Nerve wracking, sure. But all new jobs are I guess. Anyway, they started me off with mopping and cleaning the back areas, and doing dish washing. Those things I was great at because my anxiety was low considering I was in the back room AWAY from people. No problem! But noooo they wanted me to learn more stuff so they put me on donut prep. That was fine...whatever. But my boss would nag me about mopping and whatnot, and one day I foolishly was mopping in the wrong direction and pinned myself in a dirty corner with a clean room. My boss came in and gave me hell, amping up my anxiety, and making me feel stupid for "not even knowing how to mop." I knew how to mop....I just messed up that one day. Give me a break!
    But this wasnt good enough...."It's time you learned the register".
    I cannot even tell you in detail about how it went because I blanked out more times than I can remember. The anxiety of trying to learn the computer and cash and do math while people are barking orders and specific coffee needs was just waaaay too much. I eventually caved, unable to function, and asked someone else to take over. OR, I'd get pushed out of the way for holding up the lines. As a sort of punishment, I was told to "mop the freezers". NO ONE specified that I had to use special mopping solution for the freezer.....I swear they did it just to make me look stupid. So I was stuck working late, mopping a freezer, leaving pieces of the blue mop all over the freezer floor as the water froze on contact and tore it apart. I felt so stupid..I couldnt get it off the floor. And no one offered any help with it either.
    The next day I was called on my cellphone by my boss. "You dont need to come into work today. We wont be needing your services anymore". And when I asked what I did wrong, she simply said "We're overstaffed." Overstaffed.....I'd only been there two weeks! All because my anxiety couldnt let me breathe enough to learn what needed to be done. I came in that week to drop off my apron and hat, after spending over 40$ on stupid specific shirts that THEY wanted me to wear that I didnt have and THEY wouldnt help me pay for. And you know what I saw? Three new people. Overstaffing my ass!
     
    My point is, a lot of places that you work in sadly do not understand what it means to have an employee with an Anxiety disorder. And instead of slowing down and taking the extra minute to explain slowly and letting their employees ease into it, theyd rather just replace them. Thankfully in this day and age, with the anxiety and transgender issues coming out more and more in the work force, employers are being a little better about it. My new job as a security guard has been beyond amazing in this!
    I confessed immediatly to my boss (because I liked her right away about how open she was) about having an Anxiety Disorder and being Transgender. She nodded and understood, telling me that I'm going to mess up a lot and that's okay, and she'll be patient. She said it doesnt matter if I'm transgender because she respects me as a man as long as I respect her as a woman. She's never messed up on my pronouns on purpose, and if she messed up, she immediatly has corrected herself and apologized. When I felt anxious and was messing up on things, she took a step back and said "take a deep breath. Think about what you did wrong. How can you correct it for next time?" And I did. It's been amazing. And I'm seeing a newer, more efficiant side of myself now that I'm able to step back, take a breath, and try again. She can see in my face when I'm being overwhelmed and will ask me to do something else, knowing that I'm reaching my limit of functional comprehension. I cannot possibly express how much I appreciate everything that the people at Proctor have done for me....I love where I work. But you have to go through some SERIOUSLY bad apples in order to find something worth doing. Something you love doing. Of course you'll get tired and wanna do something different now and then, but if you are asked "Do you like your job?" and do not hesitate to say yes...you're doing just fine.
    My time as a chef was more or less a living hell at times. I can honestly say now that it fueled a large part of my depression and self harm, leaving my work station to hide in the bathroom just to self harm. The constant crowd of faces surrounding me at all times made my heart go on overdrive, sweating despite feeling cold, being angry all the time because I had no other way to express how I was unable to deal with my job. Running (literally at times) to get things done and still being told "you dont do anything". Being told that the problem was not the fact that I was being bullied, pushed around or slapped with transphobia--that the problem was me. Just me, and no one and nothing else. And when I sat in tears after writing a letter to the superviser about the treatment I'd recieved, I instead was pulled into the office and made to feel like I'm a horrible person and that I'm blaming everyone else for my problems and that it was ME who needed to change. I smile and play nice, but to this day...I hate them for it. Because of how they treated me and how they refused to see the abuse I was going through....they literally almost killed me. I almost hope one of them sees this. I dont want you to have to apologize. I dont want you to have to come up to me and beg forgiveness. I just want you to acknowledge what you did, and what you didnt do to help. That's all. Instead of making me look like a loser who quit because I couldnt "handle it". You should consider yourselves lucky that I didnt take further action beyond your own little house of control on either myself or others in that building. It came pretty close, I wont lie....
    But thank you. For showing me the door. Because I found something better. Something I ENJOY doing, people who understand me and appreciate what I do.
    Sincerely,
    Ren
     
    BTW:
    Dunkin Donuts are all premade, frozen,and laid out overnight to thaw before you eat them. The ovens never get cleaned and there are so many chemicals in your coffee coolatas, its amazing they still have living customers.
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