WarrenG

As I said, it's 5am. 5:47am to be exact..... I wanted to write a blog, and try and toss down some of the emotions that are keeping me awake but at the moment...I feel like my brain has shut off completely. I'm not sure what to say, or how express myself right now. I had a breakdown last night...I'd been wearing a lose sportsbra to bed at night because I absolutely HATE the feeling of "them" having any freedom while I'm trying to sleep. But last night...I knew I had to take it off. It needed to be washed, and it's not healthy to leave it on all the time. Instantly I got frustrated with "them". They were heavy, in my way, I couldnt get comfortable no matter what I did or what position I found myself in....I just couldnt take it. I broke down bawling my pathetic eyes out because I hate them so much, it makes me depressed and miserable...but there's nothing I can do about it. I dont have 8000$ I literally cannot even express how much I hate them....just looking at them makes me want to cry. I get so angry just trying to wrestle into my binding shirts every day. I die of heat in an 80F kitchen every day, wearing three shirts UNDER my heavy chefs coat...but I feel like if I take them off and not bind them down, everyone can see them. I tried that one time. ONCE. And you know what happened? I left work. I told them I fell outside and hurt my back, and really needed to go home. So I did. I lied, and faked injury...because I was so embarrassed to have something I were born with. Some people dont understand, no matter how much I explain, until I have a complete mental breakdown and bawl my eyes out because I cant rip them off and throw them away. I want to punch girls in the face for saying "mine are so tiny" because I'd kill for it. I would literally rip them off and give them away if I could... I know you guys understand that to a degree, and I'll never fully understand how it feels to me MTF any more than you'll know what its like to be FTM. Because every side is different, though in some ways the same. But I feel like sometimes...not all the time! But sometimes FTMs have it bad... There is no happy medium for guys like me. I hit 13 years old and was struck with 32Ds....AT 13. I begged my mom for a breast reduction. BEGGED HER. But she told me no, I was too young. The doctor even recommended it to help me with back pain. But she still said no. Slowly they forgot about me, and it was never offered again. But I wanted it so bad....until I realized I'd never be happy with a reduction. I'd want them gone. Completely, no reduced, but GONE GONE. Then tonight, about ten minutes ago actually, I randomly decided to look up FTM on the oh-so-mighty awesomeness of Youtube. Hey, why not, right? I'll admit, almost every single transition video I watched brought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes...but they made me angry. Angry, frustrated, depressed...... I want what they have. I literally thought think of nothing else. "I want that." I want to go through the whole process. I want those awesome results, that insane happiness of feeling at least 98% complete. Damn it, I WANT THAT. But.... I dont, and I cant...at least not for...jeez....YEARS... I feel like I'll never get there. I'm closer, yes. Much closer than I was in Janurary 2014! But for me it just doesnt feel like enough... It'll never feel like enough until my I.D. says Warren, Male, 198pnds, NOT kristy, female, 210 I dont want to say it, but I ****ing hate my body. There, said it. I really...really....REALLY ****ing hate the cards I've been dealt. And yes, I have gotten to those crying fits were I spit out "why me" and "its not fair". I'm sure we all have. But at what point am I going to be okay with this crap? I say I'm toughing it out and the world can suck it, and that's true! I'm toughing it out TOWARDS OTHERS. I'm ignoring what OTHER PEOPLE SAY. I'm being me as best I can! But I cant ignore my own fears, frustrations, and unbelievable anger towards my family, my body, hell even my doctor and therapist. I feel like I'm the only one trying to win this war, and everyone else is just nodding at me and saying "yup, cool, keep doing that" while they sit there eating popcorn. I havent gone back to cutting and I'm doing my very very best to keep that going. But god damn it no matter how many swears, CAPSLOCK and god knows what else I type or say or do, it will never EVER express how much I hate this war. Arguing with my reflection, debating with my wardrobe, and bickering with my selfconciousness. I think I finally understand what they mean by "Battle of the Brain" or "Battle of Wits" My war isnt with my binder, and the world around me. It's not with the judgement that's passed regardless of what I do or what I dont do. It's with myself. I cant seem to sit myself down and tell myself to slow down and take it easy. I've never been patient. But I know what I want, and I want it now. Not next year, not five years from now, and certainly not when I'm 30. But the more I push forward, seems like the more I hit brick walls. And like I usually do in minecraft, I forgot my damn pickaxe in my other world. The Game is Kicking my ***, Warren

Well theres good parts and of course, bad parts, to life in general. It started out where a lot of stress comes from in any average american, regardless of sexuality, gender, or lifestyle. Your workplace. My mind was deadset and my plans set, and I walked in with confidence and pride. I wanted my name tag officially changed away from my feminine name and to my male nickname of 'Ren'. I was so set on it, I had my whole heart bursting with excitement. One little tiny piece of plastic to wear every day to remind me of who I am, and that no one could take it away from me. That it would be me. Mine. Upon requesting a change of nametag, I were told that the H.R. woman would have to ask my supervisor/head chef about it first. Confused and seeming a little put off by the notion....he denied my request. That until I get my name legally changed....he refuses to allow me to have my name tag changed. A non-binding piece of plastic...something that would make next to no difference in the world to anyone but me...but he said no. Personally, if I may be so bold....it felt more like a personal disapproval on his part rather than professional opinion. Almost like he didnt understand why I wanted my name changed, and when he did....and he realized what was slowly developing between my change of appearance and then to my change of name...its like him saying "Not in my kitchen, you wont." It hurt...it STILL hurts. Though I am very proud to say that my relationship with my boyfriend has skyrocketed into support and understanding. He fully supports me and is assisting me in legally changing my name, and I'm going to call the courthouse tomorrow to pick up my paperwork and get that started. Not only to support me and make me happier but in spite of OUR boss being negative about the situation, he has decided to start calling me Ren whilest at work, instead of my feminine name. It makes me smile and tingle in my heart every time he does, and he started to do so without me even asking it of him. He did it of his own choice, and to me, that's the best and brightest part of it all. The Bad Turns: I brought my littlest sister home after a month long visit, and it pained my heart so badly to bring her back. I know how my mother treats her, and I know that my oldest sister is the worst offender. But I cannot legally keep her here, and I cant yet finacially support her either. Justin and I are in the process of looking for a two bedroom apartment near us so that we can let her move in with us, but we have to wait impatiently for our taxes to come back, pool it all together, and see what we can do. Upon visiting with my family while at my mom's house, I was painfully aware of the little comments and hints my older sister was throwing out. I know she doesnt approve nor understand me being male when she's always known me as a sister. She does this in public as well, and makes a point to loudly call me her sister in front of others to embarrass me or confuse people. But that day....I'd had enough. My family and I were discussing name changes, and that my mom and 19 year old brother want to leave their last names for my mom's maiden name. I voiced my opinion that I could never do that, as it is my father's last name, and since his passing away; its the only thing I have left of him. Despite taunting that I get for the last name, I carry it with pride and defend it because not only is it my right, it is my family, my life, and my heritage. I said "It's all I have left of dad, and eventually I'm going to legally have his Middle name in his honor". To which my older sister replied "Yeah because you'll never have his gender, no matter what you do." and she laughed about it. It stung, and I snapped. I gave Justin the nod to signify that I wanted to leave, and my sister began to scream and yell at me for being a coward and wanting to leave. I dont remember what was said, but there were a lot of tears, a lot of screaming. I gave my mom a hug to let her know that it was between me and my sister and not her fault, and all the kids came to my aid with love and hugs, and I was on my way. I bawled my eyes out. Not only because I dont like having those fights, or fighting in general because it pumps up my anxiety....But the fact that my sister's disapproval of who I am had gotten so drastic that she's taken up the full time effort to throw it in my face. That's when I also decided...I dont care anymore. I'm changing my name. I'm being myself. And frankly.....everyone who disapproves can kiss my ***. I'm done pleasing the world. My boss will get over it, or I'll go over his head for descrimination. It's an equal opportunity employment and the company prides themselves on diversity for all genders, races, sexualities, nationalities, etc. If he's choosing to go against their open door policy, he'll be in a world of hurt. If my sister doesnt approve, she can simply keep talking because I'm no longer listening. Even if the world decides to crush me for it, I'll still be a shining, crushed pile of manliness. You wont find a hair tie, pink blouse or skirt on me. If you dont like my boxers, dont look. If you dont like my haircut, dont look. If you dont like the way I talk, act, walk, or be myself....keep walking. Because THIS dude dont give a ****. I'm done with it. I am Warren Renexius Ornan G. And if they dont like it, they can shove it. --Warren ON A SIDE NOTE: Slipped and fell on the ice on my way to my car today, severely sprained my ankle, bruised my shin muscles and bruised my achilles' tendon. Two days off work for me >.<

New pics in my gallery ;)

Like the title of one of my favorite songs, "I'm Still Here" I havent forgotten anyone, and I havent fallen off the face of the planet either! This month has been rather hectic for me, in truth. December begs to be a difficult time for everyone, naturally, since everyone has SOMETHING going on for the holidays, no matter how much of a hermit you plead to be. For me this year, I was blessed with the company of my little sister for the month. For me, it's a huge thing, and I were doing my absolute best to make the most of every day. As her visit is slowly coming to a close (she leaves the 17th poo) things are starting to calm down a little, and I have unusually woken up rather early today. So why not post a quick blog?? We went to the movies, went out to dinner several times, shopping, etc. Spoiled her rotten, I dare say! As for my own personal moments, there havent been too many worth noting, to be honest. I cut my hair even shorter, and by god to I love it!! It's so much more comfortable and....well...me! I style it how I want it, and I've never been happier with...well my face I guess! XD Though I've noticed changes. Not in me, in particular, but those around me. The strangers that pass me by as I shop with my sister or boyfriend. The glances that repeat and the glares that persist. I thought the bathroom issues were troublesome before, boy I had no idea how easy it was back then. Now that I'm convincing the world of my manliness....bathroom situations have gotten that much more awkward. Of course I still cannot venture into the men's room as of yet. But the glares I get in the womens room....yikes. One woman went as far as to glare at me and mumble "f***ing f**s" I guess she wasnt wrong, really. As a Bisexual Transgender, in one way or another I guess I am a f**. I dont take that as insulting, because it sort of is the truth. I dont mind But the tone and choice of muttering is what got to me, really. I brushed it off and like any other day, just pretended I was the only one who’d notice my unusual awesomeness. I cant remember if I told you all about my experience with buying alcohol…..Either way, here’s a recap. A few months ago, I had gone in to buy a 6pack of my favorite Blood Orange from Mike’s Hard. Delicious, but seasonal, which is unfortunate. But anyway, I wanted to get some as it is seasonal and wouldn’t be out for very long. ANYWAY, I went up to the register and attempted to buy it, and so came the ‘carding’. But she wouldn’t accept my I.D. So she called in her manager, who also would not accept my I.D. because it “simply is not your I.D.” So…they called the cops too. An officer came, looked at my I.D. and shook his head. He said he could see ‘some’ resemblance but was yet convinced, so he asked for me to show to other forms of I.D. So after handing over my S.S. card and my library card, along with my work/campus I.D., he finally let me off the hook and I left with booze in hand. But with the recommendation that I get the photo on my I.D. changed as soon as I could. Especially in case I were to get pulled over for something! So….I DID!! It took a little convincing and again, I had to hand over other forms of I.D. to prove that it was my own. Which in a way made me feel good because my transition is convincing! I’ll add the photo soon On New Years I had a bit of a falling out with my boyfriend, which I sort of expected to happen anyway since things had begun to get so rough. In the moment when neither of us wanted to walk away, he finally stood up and demanded I stay and that we work this out, convinced that he’d be alone for the rest of his life if I left because he didn’t want anyone else. Honestly I cried so hard that my head hurt for three days afterwards, but we worked it out. Dare I say, and knock on wood, but our relationship has been better than ever since. We agreed that we’d talk about whatever is going on at the end of every single month, because we both have the habit of bottling up our emotions and keeping quiet until we explode. So hopefully, in that department, I’m better than ever As another plus, I went to the bank to cash in my unemployment check (laid off from Dec 19th till Jan 19th, and I get a whole whopping 48$ a week jeez, thanks.) and the woman had to actually stop and ask “Are you Justin or Kristy?” I wanted to hug her for even asking! It felt silly, but awesome. Even Justin chuckled at it, because he knew it made me happy to have my gender questioned. Then when trying on new pants at walmart, the woman assumed of my gender role and automatically sent me to the men’s dressing room instead of the women’s. It’s tiny little things like that, that make my day complete. It’s awesome, and though it seems silly to some people…it makes me a lot happier. I’m officially OFF the self-harm-watch-list by my therapist (Was one month cut-free up until a week ago, which was due to an imbalance of my medications. Noted: Don’t take Lexapro at the same time as Levothyroxin. They counterbalance eachother!) but I stopped just a little ways into the act and turned to using markers instead. I’ll show you the picture for that too, don’t worry. BUT I think I have dragged into this blog long enough, and I’ve music to go download and exercise to get back to. From 230pnds down to 211! I’m getting there! Best of love and hugs and all that lovey gooey mushy stuff, Warren

its in my gallery XD i might post the before shot of where it got messed up XD

GOT THE HAIR FIXED, THANK GAWD!!! Shortest ive ever had it and I LOVE IT!!! Will update my profile pic soon Warren

I wanted to throw this out there, as a sidenote off from one of my other blog posts this evening. I wanted to take this time to sit down, mellow out, and most of all....Thank you. Thank every single one of you. All of you who stop and peek into my demented mind to read my blogs. Thank you for stopping and feeling my pain, laughing with me, shaking your head at my own less-than-witty comments, and crying with me if it so suited you. I'm extremely, unbelievably grateful for every one of you and ALL the friends I've made, and friends I'm yet to make on here. You've all been extremely helpful to me and have kept my chin up out of the muck and grime of grief and guilt and unbelievably overwhelming life's chaos. I will certainly continue to be grateful for all of my wonderful friends here on TGG. It has been beyond enriching, appreciated, heartwarming, enlightening and uplifting to have such a fantastic support system behind me. To know that no matter what is going on in my life, I know that I'll always have my friends here on TGG to help me through it. To break my fall, and pick me back up once again and brush me off and say "Go get 'em, tiger!" I cannot possibly express to you all how wonderful you've all been to me. From simply liking my blogs, to the wonderfully informative or supportive comments, to the remarkable personal messages of support and encouragement...I love logging in and seeing what everyone is doing and saying and up to in this world of awesomesauce. You've all opened up my eyes from the cruel word and shown me that there IS a place for me, I'm NOT useless, and I DO have a voice that I am ALLOWED and ENCOURAGED to use.. I love blogging for you guys and plan to continue to do so as much as I can, and I BEG that you guys try not to get too bored with me when Things get too chaotic to on a regular basis. I'm always thinking of all of you, and without you guys, I wouldnt be where I am today! Have a FANTASTIC holiday! Have a VERY Merry Christmas, A WONDERFUL Hanukkah and VERY VERY Happy New Year!!! I love you all! Your friend and crazy Blogger, Warren

Hello people of the page, this is your friend Warren As many of you know and are in the same rocky boat as I am, it's that time of year again. Time to run around like your head's been severed and wrack your brain for those brilliant christmas gift ideas! I apologize for not being on here to rant and rave very much of late, as not too much as been going on except for the chaos and hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping! This year though, my Christmas is being spent a little different on a different emotional and physical level due to my attempts of transitioning, and I'm sure that some or all of you know what I mean by this. This is the first year I'm seeing family and friends on a holiday event dressed mostly as a man. No dresses, no festive ribbons in my hair, no heels, and absolutely NO makeup can be found on this dude this year Though the first family get together (Bf's family ((i guess we're still together for now)) who never really got the right feel for me to begin with) I only attended for probably the mass of twenty minutes. I'm not a huge fan of his family's get togethers because theyre all so extremely loud and physically affectionate which I'm not entirely comfortable with. I dont like being touched, or having someone in my face most the time. So I opted to leave as quickly as I could, though later I were called "Anti-social" for it. But, that's life. On a good note: MY SISTER IS HERE FOR CHRISTMAS!!! My youngest sister Becky is here with me this year, staying with me for the month of December of staying with my mom and siblings. I'm so glad she's here, I missed her so much! So naturally, since this is the first Christmas that she's with me and the first full blown Christmas for her (my mom doesnt do very much at home for it), of course I SPOILED HER ROTTEN!!! Her stocking is busting at the seams and the tree is overstocked. I love spoiling her! But unfortunatly I've had a few roadblocks lately...and I'm not sure why. Emotional breakdowns. It started with going Christmas shopping with the bf, my sister, and HIS sister Mel. Now....I'm rather protective of my car. It has certain engine issues that you have to WORK WITH IT else it works too hard and sounds horrible and sucks gas then the check engine light comes on. But we werent sure of the place we were going so....DUN DUN DUUUUUUN. Justin let Mel drive. MY car. I was so paranoid the whole ride, and it drove me absolutely CRAZY hearing the engine over working itself. I was beside myself with horror and frustration to the point that it gave me an upset stomach. From almost hitting people with my car to slamming on the brakes to swerving to avoid traffic....I swear she was going to be the heartattack I'd been waiting for. Then something happened....something that hasnt happened in MONTHS! I had an anxiety enduced panic attack which rendered me UNCONCIOUS. I passed out cold in the backseat of the car, and when I were woken up by my frightened boyfriend and realized what was going on, I broke down in tears. For some reason every time I wake up from a panic attack, I cry. I'm not sure why. Emotional overload? That was the first spot. Then.....to get my hair cut. For me, my hair is a big deal because it has been my biggest steps away from womanhood and towards manhood, and it is my own personal statement of "I'm not you're little girl anymore". So when I went to get it trimmed and step away from my bushy bangs, I were told that my usual person was a bit busy since a pipe broke in the salon, so someone else did it. It didnt take her long and she seemed to have done a good enough job.....at the time. When I stopped at a Walmart afterwards with my boyfriend and sister, we started noticing little things. Like....a random and obvious HOLE in the middle of my bangs (which are crooked and boxlike and annoy the crap out of me ) along with a huge patch on the back of my neck that she didnt even trim off. I let my hairdresser know and she said I could come back for it to be fixed, which I feel awful about. (I broke down and shaved that patch off my neck though, I couldnt take it!) But on an emotional level, it should NOT have bothered me so much. But I got so worked up about it that I ended up bawling in the privacy of my bathroom, and even took a shower to try and hide the noise. Pathetic! Then came more emotional issues, breaking down for no reason, hiding in the bathroom, curling up in a ball in bed.....I felt like an emotional wreck and couldnt figure out why it was happening. Then I realized....I'd forgotten two doses of my medication, it's that horrible horrible "time" of month (I'm being punished with cramps but that's it so far ), I'm stressed because all that weight I've worked so hard to lose is coming back with a prescription I have to take, I'm stressed with trying to make this a good Christmas for my little sister, PLUS....I'm on almost Two weeks, if not more, of NO CUTTING. I've passed the "I want to" and gone straight to the emotional breakdowns. Otherwise........! THE HOLIDAY IS GREAT. Well, true, us cooking a Turkey at my mom's house on the 19th resulted in the stove bursting into flames, flour being thrown all over the kitchen, my baby brother screaming like a nutcase and spending three hours airing the smoke out of the house; But otherwise it's been great! Icing on the cake I guess, something to giggle at later. I'll never bring another turkey to my mother's house again....XD I'll post again when I can, and hopefully my issues will get a little better. My plan is to enjoy tomorrow and forget everything else as much as I can, and just ENJOY MYSELF. Your Friend, Warren

You guys make me laugh XD I get the email notifications of comments in my email on my ipod while I'm at work so I stay caught up, and you guys always make me smile Warren

Yes please!! Warren p.s. I just bought a few sports bras to wear under my binder thingie. OMG It took me forever, i forgot the sizing stuff! So awkward buying that stuff >.<

I think we all do it at least a little bit. But I still say that it is mostly girls who do it XD Warren

So today I made very slight progress, though it put me in a bad mood all day and made things very disappointing. After exchanging very brief emails with the plastic surgeon center at the nearest large hospital in my area, I finally decided to call them and get a quick estimate on what I'd be looking at for a top surgery plus anything else that may or may not be required. To be honest, I'm not sure exactly what I was hoping for. It's not like they'd start giggling like the littlest elf and offer free surgery and tell me to show up tomorrow. Though that would be epic... But, alas, miracles dont happen every day. I were greeted by a rather friendly young woman named Alice, though she werent my alice in wonderland. She didnt have the greatest of news for me either. My Double Incision Bilateral Mastectomy will cost me an estimated grand total of 8,000$. Right now I have saved up....600$.... Before I can even go in for consultation about the surgery, I'm required by the state to see a phsycologist, which my insurance probably wont even cover. They offered me a "care card" which is basically a credit card that they can charge it all to that I pay off later...but with a lot of interest and growth interest. Meaning the longer it takes me to pay it off, the bigger the bill gets. Gee...thanks.... So my next phonecall was to my doctor to inform her that I self-changed one of my medications because it was giving me horrible side effects, but she insists that I come see her this friday. Not only because of that...but they're considering putting me on testosterone hormone treatment. Part of me is like HELLZ YES!!!! But....who wants to grow facial hair and possibly body hair and start looking masculine....while still enduring the embarrassment of 44DDs? No one, that's who. And certainly not me! I dont want to walk around with a 5oclock shadow and chest fuzzies while still trying to sort out my "tumor issue". I hate how I look as it is, that is not going to help! On the other hand, I'm excited for a deeper voice, for my body's reshaping into it's male form, and certainly for a less girly face. As a girl I look my proper age. But if I were to pass off as a boy, I look thirteen, not twenty two. Anyway....next call: Insurance. What do you and do you not cover in terms of surgery? Well, I got a woman who could barely speak english. But the answer I got was basically "nothing". I have a 500$ deductable, and 5000$ OUT OF POCKET. Granted 5,000$ is better than 8000$ but....I can barely pay my bills as it is....theres no way I can do that right now...or even next year. So you can see why I was depressed all day. I'm tired of waiting. I dont want to wait until next year, or the year after, or the year after. I want these GONE. On top of that... I think my boyfriend and I just officially decided to be roommates in the future. And that's it. Nothing more. Blah..... But here's the GOOD NEWS: I'm trying to go sober again! From cutting, I mean. I'm not much of a drinker I got a sudden slap to the face while browsing the infamous youtube last night, and stumbled on a video out of no where. "Let me tell you something you already know.The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth, then go on and get what you're worth! But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you aint who you wanna be because of him or her or anybody! Cowards do that and that aint you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens, you're my son, you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you aint gonna have a life." Rocky Balboa I grew up watching rocky with my dad up until he died when I was eight in a tractor trailer truck accident. After his passing, I couldnt watch it anymore because I'd always think of my dad and break down in tears. My dad was my everything. My whole world, my hero, my knight in shining armor. Because my dad was my Rocky Balboa. But that quote came to my ears and it made me cry. Hell I'm not ashamed of it, it made me bawl like a damn baby. Because at this particular point in my life...I needed that. I needed those words and it picked me up and brushed me off and said "damn it, your father dont want this for you, put that stupid blade down and get up off your knees!" My dad doesnt want me to sit in the corner and wave a white flag. He'd want me to brush off my shoulders, put my boxing gloves back on, and prove to them that I can do it. Because I can. So damn it, I'm gonna try. Not just for my Dad, but for me. I just hope I can K.O. my own doubt before the bell rings. Warren

Hello everyone, I apologize deeply for being gone so long. Life has been a bit chaotic as of late, and with all the winter storms hitting us hard up here in the north, this become even more chaotic. You guys havent really missed too much, I'll be honest. Only things that have happened lately is that I didnt go to my therapy session today. I got a call from Joan at 7am this morning to call off our appointment due to road conditions and black ice, and she did want herself nor I to risk it. Though a part of me was relieved that I could crawl back into my bed with my boyfriend, another half of me felt like I really really wished she'd risked it. As bad of me as it is to want someone to risk their safety just so I can go and whine and be a crybaby, I couldnt help it. I've almost grown dependent on our weekly visits together. Otherwise, it wasnt too bad of a day. Classes for the students I cook for was cancelled due to the weather, though surprisingly I didnt get completely ambushed on serving either. Normally no classes means I get mauled to pieces by 2k students with nothing better to do than eat until they burst. But, again, with the weather, they didnt want to venture out of their dorms. THANK HEAVENS FOR THAT. After four inches of very stick snowballs raining from the skies, the weather turned another direction and instead hit 41F and turned to rain. Which, in turn, transformed the whole county into one giant slush pit. Yay.... But, with the bad comes the good, because they let us close down early and go home. Otherwise..I got bit my a spider o.o Sorting through grapes, and he just popped out and bit my hand. So as you can see, nothing too exciting has happened. I havent really heard much back about my estimate for the top surgery, so I'll have to call them now that I've found my cellphone. (Its only been missing about two weeks! Was in a coat pocket......derp.) My binders are starting to irritate me a little bit, and I might resort to a sports bra underneath it. Simply because after a while it doesnt do much, and simply makes it look like I am wearing no bra at all (technically im not but its not a good look either). I'm still looking into getting a REAL binder, though its tough for someone with my bust size. I'm open to suggestions if anyone has any, I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Trying to hint to the boyfriend that it can be a christmas gift, until I rethought the idea. I'd have to open gifts with the family.... With HIS family.... Bad idea to get a binder during christmas. Yikes! That's it for now, nothing much else. Tootles! Warren SIDENOTE: Why do girls talk to themselves so much in the bathroom!!? I go in the bathroom to hide and calm down my anxiety sometimes, and of course I have to use the girls bathroom, as much as I hate it. But everytime I'm in there, all the girls will whisper or mumble and talk to themselves! Its so weird! I'm not racist but I've noticed this habit ESPECIALLY with the spanish or nepali girls. Granted, it cracks me up when I'm hiding in there listening to them talk to themselves, but still.....rather strange.

Tuesday, Again. By now you've figured out (most likely) that Tuesday is my Therapy day. I'll be honest that therapy has not been as horrible as I had imagined it to be, and honestly it kind of feels good to sit there and just talk. We dont even have to talk about anything important, really. But knowing that what I say wont really leave her office, and we're by ourselves...it allows me to open up and talk freely. It's really nice, and I end up leaving with a weight off my shoulders. Not saying I didnt freak out, trust me! If you look back on my previous blogs, you'll see me freaking out like a four year old at a crazy circus show at midnight. But really, its not so bad. So far, anyway. In regards to the letter I had left for my therapist (if you dont know about it, go to my previous blog post ) the office were closed the day that I went to drop it off. So I had to wait, agonizingly, for monday to arrive so I could drop it off before work. Thankfully the receptionist were on the phone when I set it on her desk, so I didnt even have to explain it. I just set it down, wove goodbye, and hightailed it out of there. I were nervous, sure! Wondering if she'd be angry with me, or offended, or just simply throw her hands up and quit. So when I showed up today, she were standing there waiting for me, all ready to go. First thing she did when she shut the door, was hold up the letter. But she didnt frown, she didnt glare. She smiled. "First off, thank you for the letter. I WANT to know what you're feeling, even if you cant put it into words verbally. If you're more comfortable to write it down at a later time and leave it at the office for me, by all means, I encourage you to do so" We talked about what was in the letter, and she apologized for how I felt when I left last week, but noted that even though it hurt, it got my butt in gear and rearing to go and get more information to get this started officially. She's right, I'll admit. It made me angry, but it got me moving. We discussed things to do, and I'm still waiting to hear from the hospital/plastic surgeons about my questions regarding my double incision bilateral mastectomy. They wanted to talk to me on the phone, but like a dummy, I've lost my cellphone for the hundredth time! So I'm trying to get them to just do it through email, even if its not convenient for them, I can still provide any and all info they need that way. Wish me luck on that! I might see if I can convince my boyfriend to let me buy a proper binder next week, after we get our paychecks from work. Hopefully, because since I've lost a bit of weight, the shirts I have now dont really do too much. And I finally found the tag on the darn thing. It's not a binder in any way, shape or form. It's a men's support shirt, basically just for back support or work outs or after surgery. It does okay for right now, but not as well as I'd like. So, we'll see on that. I do apologize for not blogging lately, I've simply been crazy busy and the snow is starting to pile up around my house! We've got all the decoration blowups outside set up, the shovels taken down, and the winter boots pulled out. Overnight, we got a foot of snow, and there's more on its way. Welcome to New England!! I'll blog again soon, but have patience with me Your Dear Friend, Warren P.S. My therapist says HELLO INTERNET SUPPORT!!! She's very glad that you're all here to support me as I support you all right back. Like one big, distant, happy family <3

Since I am more able to express/explain myself on paper or online, I decided that since I'll be in town that I should get my butt in gear and suck up my pride. So, I did research. I wrote emails. And...I wrote a letter to my therapist. I'm gonna share it, since I figured it might give others ideas, and hopefully what I did was right. "Dear _____, I hope your Thanksgiving went well and you didnt get buried in all the snow. I talked to a few online friends about my last visit with you, and decided it would be best to write things down rather than forget or lose my nerve later. I'll admit the realization of "without a goal, there is no destination" stung a bit, and instinctivaly as if I were being given up on. I have little to no clue what I ultimatly want/need, and I felt lost and hopeless without having valid reasons for visits aside from simply someone to talk to. Sometimes I have a hard time verbally expressing whats going on in my mind and it hinders my trail of rational thought. So my first thought were simply "Even she isnt sure how to help me, I cant even help myself" So, in short I've done A LOT of thinking; and having these few days off work is helping. I've come down to a few goals I'd like to work out. 1-Manage my anxiety 2-Stop selfharm 3-Be a happier person (4)- Be Me. Fully transition into my proper gender, and live life as who I am. If it costs me my relationship, I'll need to learn to accept that. I have contacted ______ via email in regards to cost, regulations, and state requirements for my double incision bilateral mastectomy, and am awaiting a reply. Battle plan: 1-Get serious! More research, and be more confident and less reserved. 2-If needed, see a surgeon for estimates 3-Start hormones if needed 4-Surgery!!!!!! 5-Live the full lifestyle 3 years 6-Change name 7-Just be happy! I dont like being miserable. But I cant be happy by waiting on my butt for things to change. "Be the change you want to see in the world" Gandhi I'll still need help, I'm not foolish enough to think that I can do it alone. But sometimes I might need to be reminded that I need to act or nothing is going to change. I'm not ready to give up yet, and I hope you arent ready to give up on me either. See you Tuesday, _____" So I'll fold it neatly. I'll put it in an envelope, and I'll drop it off at the office on my way to the bank. She'll have it on-hand, she can read it, and come up with her own battle plan by the time our visit comes up. Wish me luck, Warren

As you all know, tomorrow is thanksgiving, and like most of you I have a few things that need to get done. Obviously. This year I'm going to my boyfriend's family's get together in an Inn at the top of a mountain. We've been there for last year's gathering and I'll admit, it's gorgeous and the view is absolutely the best (I'll post pictures when I can!) But this year is going to be different for me, personally. Last year I were still enduring the dressy clothes and makeup and doing my hair and whatnot. But this year....I've had enough of it. True I'll put a nice shirt on, but it's not going to be from my girl drawers. True I'll make my hair look good, but simply with a slight combing and some mousse, no pins or hairbands or pretty bows. I wont be wearing makeup, and I wont be trying to look as girly as I can stand. This year I'm not going as Kristy, I'm going as Warren. And all though they dont really know whats going on yet, and of course I'll still be called by my birthname since they dont know any better...I refuse to endure one more year of trying to fit the part of someone I'm not. So, with this whole realization of courage and stubbornness...comes the anxiety. I know they're going to be staring at me, whispering comments, asking my boyfriend's mom "Whats going on with her?" His family is known to be judgemental gossipers, so I know this will go smoothly until they start to whisper amongst themselves. Although I'll probably just find a nice corner to sit in with my tiny plate of food I probably wont even finish, at least I can say I went. This year everyone was asked to bring one thing, and we were asked to bring two gallons of milk. But reality says NO ONE is going to drink TWO gallons of milk, so I improvised. We'll bring ONE thing of milk, and I'm bringing a dish. One thing I've pleasantly mastered at work is pasta salads, and this year I'm going to make my Nana's Autumn Pasta Salad. It's pretty easy, and nice and crisp if you love flavor I'll let you guys know how it went, and hope you all have a good holiday Your buddy in Plaid, Warren NANA'S AUTUMN SALAD -Boil some pasta (any kind you want. Bowties or elbows or shells work the best. Throw in some veggie pasta for color!) (MAKE SURE ITS COLD WHEN YOU MAKE THE SALAD) -Mayo -Cranberry sauce -craisins -raisins -apples (golden delicious or granny smith are the best. peel and chop into cubes) -pecans (crush or chop em up) -Cucumbers (I like to peel them 100%, cut in half lengthwise, and take a spoon and scoop out all the seeds so its not so mushy and slimy, then cut the halves into small cubes) -FRESH parsley (dried has next to NO flavor and you want the pretty green color in it) Basically, boil up your pasta to your liking. In a bowl, mix up half a can of cranberry sauce with an equal amount of mayo & mix it well. (Cran-mayo is also great for turkey sandwiches or on other pasta dishes!) toss in a handful of your apples, pecans, cucumbers, raisins, and craisins. Mix well. Mix it up with your pasta, THEN mix in your chopped up parsley. Let it sit for a bit to absorb the flavor and voila, Nana Gates' Autumn Salad ;)

We've talked....enough, I guess. It sort of seems like its not a subject he wants to discuss too much. He says hes open to the conversation and I know he tries really hard to understand and listen, but you can tell from the look on his face that the whole time hes hoping I'll just stop.

Today is tuesday, and as some of you know, tuesday is my therapy day. The day I suck up my blahness, climb out of bed, and go sit and chitchat with my therapist about...basically everything and anything. But this time, I broke down after I left her office. I sat in my car, gripped the steeringwheel and attempted to get a grip on myself, before finally breaking down and bawling my pathetic eyes out. I feel like she gave up on me already. I were originally instructed to see a therapist for my anxiety and depression problems, but mostly for being transgendered. I admitted to my therapist that I think my self harm, depression, and anxiety are all linked and rooted strongly to my identity issues. I strongly believe that if I were able to truely be Warren, I'd be better off. Happier. Healthier. On the paperwork when I originally signed up to go to therapy, they'd asked me "What do you expect/hope to get out of therapy? What is your end goal?" Honestly, I didnt know. I still dont. I'd left it blank because of that reason. But today she put down her notebook and looked me dead in the eye. "I'm going to be honest and frank with you," she said. Instantly I knew something was up. "Until you can decide what it is that you want, I dont see a point in you even coming here. You dont know where you're going, you dont have a goal in mind, then I dont know what I'm supposed to do to guide you to it. Until you decide what it is you expect or want out of therapy sessions, it's going to do you no good. Think about it over the week until I see you again" And that was it. Nothing more. We were done. Dont get me wrong, shes probably right. But I cant help but feel like she was throwing her hands up in surrender and saying "You cant figure out your own problems then I cant be your solution". I made next week's appointment on the way out, but honestly I felt numb as I did it. Just nodded and said 'see you later'. I dont want to go back. I dont know what I want, damn it! That's why I was going, to get help! I know I dont want to be what I am right now, isnt that clue enough for her to help me figure things out? To be honest, I'm tempted to just call them back and cancel the appointment and not go back. I feel like theyve given up on me already...it's only been the second session, and she throws that at me. When I've finally broken down in front of her and teared up because I'm frustrated with staying hidden. She said so herself, that it seems more like in terms of life, I've secluded myself. So why the hell would you back out and leave me secluded instead of trying to draw me out?! I dont know what to do about the situation. Advice or opinions welcomed. Frustrated as hell, Warren

I apologize, first of all, for not being here very much the past few days. I very much appreciate all the kind messages from you guys in concerns to my wellbeing, but please do not be insulted that I did not reply to your messages. It's been sort of a habit of mine of late... Online-friends will message my kik or skype, and I read them...Please know that I DO read them. But...I cant get myself to reply. I have no words in mind, no fake smiles to share, or motives for my disappearance. In truth, I have found that hole I used to hide in, and have fallen deep into it. Fallen so deep that it is hard to decide what is up and what is down. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, to be honest. I'm just....so angry....and I dont know why. I'm angry at everyone, all the time, over nothing. I'll wake up fine, and it'll be a normal day. Then it just hits me, without me even realizing it...I'm snapping at everyone, glaring at everyone, just all around being a very angry person. I dont understand it either, and unfortunately it has made for a very stressful week. When I'm not angry, I'm pitifully depressed. My therapist has asked "do you think your emotions and depression and anxiety problems root from your gender identity problem?" and I had immediatly responded with yes. But sometimes I wonder if its not. I know these things have to come from somewhere, and depression doesnt just spring out of thin air. I know every branch has a tree, has a root, sourced from a seed. But will being who I really am....really make me happy? Will I really be able to wake up and start the day without wanting to curl up into a ball? I dont know. And I'll be honest with you guys, completely ****ing honest....I'm scared. Scared that I'll go through all this, do what I need to do, lose a lot of friends and possibly my boyfriend...only to find out that it's not what I really wanted. What if the man I turn into, isnt who I've been seeing in the mirror all these years? I'm not going to lie. Not even a little. It scares the **** out of me...when I think about that. I've heard the stories of transguys doing everything, only to realize that who they were 'pretending' to be was really who they were. I've become afraid of intimacy in my whole confusion of self-identity. I dont like certain activities anymore. I avoid them. Sure I'll do it if it's only me, but otherwise....I dread it. And I dont even know why. What's bugging me on a sidenote of ^^that^^ is the pain. I get the most annoying pain/cramping afterwards, for up to two days. No one knows why...Mentally I keep laughing it off and saying "It's my male side feeling violated and is angry at me". But medically it is kind of annoying. I dont know...I just felt like rambling. My harming has come back in a full swing, and I was stupid and didnt use cleaning alcohol before/after so now its all red and sore as hell. I dont know why I do the things I do. I dont know why I say the things I say, or think the things I think, or act the way I act. I just....do. I cant help that. And even if you said I did, I wouldnt know where to begin. I have another appointment with "Joan" on tuesday. I'm honestly not looking forward to it. At this point, I'd rather just curl up in bed and flip "the bird" at the world. I dont want to deal with this crap anymore, especially when I dont know what crap I'm sick of, or why. I just am. Good news is I lost more weight. Bad news is I dont know if its from the exercise that I've stopped doing, or just from my mood this week. Yay, I think? Warren P.S. If you guys need my kik, just private message me. I get your private messages in my emails on my ipod, but cant respond til I get on my laptop, which is never very soon. I can respond better on kik.

Went great in new blog >>>> :P

So glad I'm not alone on this subject I've actually considered buying one of those "stand'n'relieve" things from walmart's camping section XD hope that's not weird of me lol

So today was my first day of therapy EVER, and it goes without saying that I were a nervous wreck. I got up much earlier than I even needed to, and wandered around the house like a bored lunatic. When I finally decided to leave and went as slowly as I were comfortable, just killing time and cruising along, I still showed up at the office a little more than half hour early. Signed in, no problem. So I was sitting there for a while and the secretary comes over and sits next to me. "I overlooked your paperwork." she said. Overlooked my paperwork? "I just now realized your dysphoria part of the paperwork. Do you mind if I switch your doctor last minute? I think you'd be more comfortable with a different one". Uh...sure? How the hell should I know, I havent met any of them So, they switched my therapist. No worries. The woman was actually very nice, and somehow I found it very easy to talk to her. She actually GREATLY resembles an elderly (though shes younger lol) woman I used to care for. It's almost incredible how much they look alike, though several years apart. Before I even realized what was going on, she had gotten me talking, and it was actually pretty easy to spill my guts a bit. She then told me "I'm not really supposed to reveal my own personal life with you, but my daughter is actually one of the leaders of a LGTB community". Awesome! EUREKA, someone who knows a little of what I'm tryin' to talk about!! So, you guys were right and I feel dumb for stressing about it so much, but it wasnt THAT bad. I actually like her, and was surprised that I actually felt a little better when I left today. Lighter. Stronger. Getting that tiny bit off my chest felt so much better... She wants to see me every week, and hopefully I can financially do it. I'm not sure if I'll get an after-bill from my insurance company since I have to do a 20$ copay. Hopefully not, because I wouldnt be able to afford to do it very often. Fingers crossed! I'm thinking of talking to her about maybe getting a little piece of paper for her to just scribble her name on so I can give it to my mom, to prove to her that I'm seeing someone for my "issues" and ITS NOT A DAMN PHASE!!!!! Even the woman (I feel horrible for not knowing her name! I forgot already!) said it doesnt sound like just a phase to her. Thank god, I'm not crazy!! LATER TONIGHT: I decided in celebration of not losing my mind, I would go buy a 6-pack of my favorite drink, Mike's Hard Blood Orange. Usually one, and I'm done anyway. I dont go all out on it, BUT the drinks are seasonal unfortunatly, so I have to wait all year to get them (Half thought of maybe buying a few 6packs and storing them over winter for me to enjoy until they come out again! Will write the company about keeping them year round.) Anyway, I got my merchandise and some tonic water for the bf, and headed to the check out. Things were going good, I werent really paying attention because I simply just wanted to go home and play some Minecraft with my booooze (lol) and the girl asked for my I.D. No big deal, I know I'm twenty two, I'm allowed to buy it. So I handed it over. She looked at it, and arched an eyebrow....and didnt hand it back. She kept looking at it, and looked confused. "This is your I.D. or a sibling?" she asked of me. Uh....huh? The girl claimed I looked nothing like the girl on the I.D. and didnt believe that it were mine. So she called the manager, withheld my I.D., and waited for him to show up. WHAT!? Manager shows up, and agrees with her So I had to hand over two other forms of I.D. with my name on it so that they could make sure it was a legit I.D., and I was on my way with the suggestion that I should get a new photo done. Actually his words are "If you're going to change genders, change photos. It's inconvienant for both you and us." >.> Granted, the picture really is a bit different from me right now. But still.....that was rude. So I took my damn drinks and booked it. I just finished my second one and you know what? Life is pretty peachy at the moment. I'm not drunk, thats for sure. These are only like 5% alcohol. But its nice to finally relax. I dont feel so alone on this, because I know that on tuesday, I can go and drop some more of my boulder-sized worries on my therapist. Thanks for all the support, you guys make me smile when I'm frowning and pick me up when I'm tripping on my own two feet. I'm so glad I found Transgender Guide, it's made life so much more tollerable. I dare say enjoyable. Warren

Anyone newly transitioning will nod a big "YUP" to me about this issue, and maybe some of you trans-vets out there too. Public Bathrooms. The lou. The resty. The bowl of salvation, the think tank, the throne. Call it what you will, but the issues remain the same. Where the hell do we go? I'm FTM. I DREAD the bathrooms. I will literally try to be as stealthy as humanly possible to sneak in the door, find a stall, and wait there until people leave before I rush out and wash my hands then run out of the bathroom like my head's on fire. I feel like I'm not supposed to be in there, and this notion is clearly shown by those around me. I'm in that stage where I'm starting to look more male in what I wear and such, plus the help of compression shirts, yet I still look rather feminine in ways I cant control. So just as its confusing for me to figure out which door to run through, I'm sure other people in the bathrooms are equally as puzzled as to if I'm in the wrong bathroom or not. One instance, some time ago, I found myself face to face with a rather rude and angry mom in the womens bathroom, snapping and yelling at me that I should be ashamed of myself for going into a bathroom with little girls present. Clearly she thought me male and werent too pleased I were there. Yet that were the only time that's happened. Otherwise, I have received the timeless glares and silence that will say a million and one things. I only ventured into the men's bathroom once, in the run down building of a Subway Restaurant, and it terrified the hell out of me how filthy it was. True, it could have just been because it werent really the cleanest place on the planet to begin with, but for the sake of my slight Germ fears, I fled the room and went into the women's bathroom instead since no one were around anyway. But I've not found the courage in myself yet to go into the men's bathroom full time. I'm not ready yet. I dont look the part yet. Men are just as cruel as women sometimes, and I fear that where the women are silent and cruel in their stares, the men would be even more taunting about it. But I dont know.... So what does a struggling FTM do? I avoid the womens bathrooms at all costs, because it puts me in an aweful funk after. But I cannot venture the men's bathroom yet either. Do I hold it as long as I can until I get home to use the bathroom? But there's that whole health factor that dictates that my idea isnt really the greatest one. It's puzzling and frustrating. I'm sure you MTFs out there have had the same issues. Whats some of your experiences, good and bad? Let me know Warren

What's up dude! Totally got you on this one. Its like "I'm lying to people...but am I lying? This is who I am. Wait dont tell them!!" I struggle with that every day too bro. Especially at work. Keep your chin up, we'll get through it :] I'm glad your girlfriend is super supportive. As long as you've got at least one person to help you out, you dont have to hold the world on your shoulders. Hit me up if you ever need to talk. And for star sake, abuse that blog button! Helps a ton Warren

Have you ever had to do something, but had to wait to do it? And in that time of waiting, it seems like time ticks by fast when you need it to slow down, and not fast enough when you want it gone? I suppose everyone has. But tuesday is really dragging on my mind. I mean, yeah, I need to see a therapist. I know I do, and I cant deny that. But in the same sense....I dont want to. I dread it. I dont want to open up. I dont want to sit down and talk to someone about my broken, ignored childhood. I dont want to talk about how losing my Dad literally destroyed me. And I do NOT want to talk about being the wrong gender. I guess there's that little part of me that's just scared of what he/she will say. I've had so....soooo many people come up to me and say "Maybe its just a phase and you dont know it yet" or "Maybe you started the thought out of the blue, and kept it in mind so much that now you believe it" or my favorite one...."Maybe its just for the attention". If it were for attention....wouldnt I want everyone to know about it? Wouldnt I go to work and just blabber about it to every coworker and customer I see? Why would it make me break down in tears from depression, knowing I'm alone in it in so many ways? I dont want the attention from it. I dont need the attention. I just want....I dont know....acceptance. From myself. To wake up and look in the mirror and smile instead of cringe. To not have to tug on several compression shirts just to keep myself from breaking down. To not have to wear a sweater to bed because I cant stand to see or feel "them" near me. I just want to be happy. This past week has been my own personal version of hell. And I'm seriously...seriously sad to say this..but I broke my resistence. My one and a half month of harm-freedom had been destroyed. My world came crashing down, and there was nothing I could do to stop it, or tell myself that it would be okay, and believe it. I've added six little scars to my book of memories, and I'm ashamed of it. I cant tell what's worse though. The fact that I did it..or the fact that no one notices? It took my boyfriend a good two months to realize that my left arm was littered. And thats with us sleeping together every night, WITHOUT a long sleeve shirt. At times it feels like no matter what I do or what I pretend to be...I'm still invisable. A twenty two year old depressed young man, trapped in the body of a scarred, scared, ashamed girl with next to no career, a failing sense of worth, and a hopeless depth of numb agony. I know looking up is always the best bet. That no matter how deep the hole gets, I can always look up and try to find that bright blue sky. But lately it seems like that blue sky does nothing but rain on me. And instead of getting an umbrella, all I can find is a lightning rod. So, yes. I'm nervous to have a therapist. I'm nervous as hell to have all this put out in the air, while physically being in front of someone. Online is one thing. I can hide behind me screen. Shed any tears I need to without anyone noticing. Hide my face away in my hood. But in front of someone....I cant. I've broken apart so many times, I'm afraid I'm running out of glue to fix it. I'm almost giving up on it. Almost digging out that dress he wants me to wear. Almost putting on that hat til my hair grows back. Almost dressing up like his mother nags at me to do. I'm just so tired of the agony I have to go through, just to be me. We dont ask to be transgendered. But it happens regardless. No matter what your religious views are, since I have none, it's unfair. If its God testing me, I cant help but why? Why test someone in such a cruel way? Test me for what? Well I fail. I chose to fail. No, I dont have the patience for the crap. No, I'm not compassionate towards those who strike me down. And no, I will not turn the other cheek. For now, I'll fight with what I have left. And hopefully leave the therapists office on tuesday with some sense of purpose. Its all I can hope for. Warren