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Chrissy

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Blog Entries posted by Chrissy

  1. Chrissy
    Hi everyone,
    I haven't been able to write for awhile - I started school again in September and that's kept me pretty busy.  I'm in the MSW (Masters in Social Work) program at NYU (New York University), which is a full-time program and includes a 21-hour/week internship on top of classes (mine is with a drop-in center for people who are homeless).
    Anyway, I didn't come on to write about that, but since the semester is over, and internship is over until late January, I have a little time.
    The big update is that my GRS is happening this coming Tuesday!  I leave for Philadelphia on Monday morning, then the surgery is at Hahneman University Hospital with Dr. Kathy Rumer.  I'll be staying in Philly for a week and coming back home after my one-week follow-up with her.
    I've already started pre-surgery prep - including stopping hormones a few weeks ago (that one hurt), and today starting an Arnica protocol (it's to reduce or eliminate bruising from the surgery).  Then on Monday I'll be on a clear-liquid diet and have to do some bowel prep (the glamorous side of surgery!).  I have to be at the hospital at 10:30 a.m. And luckily this time my insurance company didn't give me a hard time, they approved the procedure (they also eventually agreed to cover top surgery, which they had rejected initially - it's really good that I work/worked in New York where the state requires these things to be covered.
    Since July I've been seeing my therapist twice a week - she provided one of the letters that I needed, and requested the additional sessions - which I think is great (I'm actually going to miss going twice a week, but I can't afford to keep doing that).  So we've talked A LOT about the process - transitioning generally, the surgery specifically, and now the post-transition period.  I used to say that I'd probably be transitioning until I die, but lately I've decided (for myself, others may feel otherwise) that GRS essentially marks the end of my transition - at that point I'll have done as much physically as I'm going to.  Now I'm in a period of "evolution" - discovering who I am - both as a woman and just generally.  It's already begun, and it's been a great process.  I find myself moving away from LGBTQ-specific things - not as a rejection of the community, but as an acknowledgement that I'm straight (as a man I was gay, but not now), so I needed to know that I can function in "straight environments."
    So now that I'm more comfortable with school (I was worried a lot about whether I could really do it - now I feel much more confident), I'm going to try to write more.  I bought myself a separate journal to keep notes about GRS - I plan to write that first entry on the train to Philly, and then keep track of what happens, how I feel physically, and how I feel emotionally - I'll try to share some of that here as I go along, in case it's helpful to anyone (recognizing that the experience is going to be different for everyone - but there are still going to be similarities).
    I also want to write more about my "evolution" - that was something that I (understandably) didn't focus on until more recently.  The physical transition is one thing, but as I felt myself living a more authentic existence it also became important to know how I wanted to live my life.  The benefits are already huge - I find that the friendships that I had are stronger than ever, and the new people I'm meeting are really good people (mostly social work students) - and none of this would have happened without that recognition a few years ago that I am a woman, and I am transgender.
    I'll wrap this up for now - I know my attention flags sometimes on longer entries, so I'll stop taxing people's attention span :-)
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  2. Chrissy

    Top Surgery

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    So today was my top surgery! I had it done by Dr. Jeffrey Rockmore - I can't say enough about him, his staff, and the St. Peter's Surgery Center in Albany. Everyone was incredibly friendly, helpful and supportive, and the results seem really good! (they are still wrapped, and swollen, so I can't say for sure yet).
    My friend Bryana went with me - we only met in January but she's quickly become such a good friend, and so graciously and enthusiastically took the trip with me (about 2.5 hours drive each way, and about a 2 hour wait while I had surgery). She did so much to relieve the anxiety I was feeling!
    There isn't really any pain, just discomfort (I'm on percocet, but after my shoulder surgery last year there was still massive pain even with that).
    Overall I feel even happier about this than I had expected, I feel like I took a huge step towards truly being who I want and need to be 😀
    I'll follow-up again as the swelling subsides!
    Xoxo
    Chrissy
     

  3. Chrissy

    Next step...hair

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    I took a somewhat unexpected next step on Friday - and it came with a pretty big bit of self-realization.
    Since I started wearing a wig regularly (going on 2 years now) I've been rather relaxed about haircuts. The last couple of haircuts were self-inflicted - I mean "self-done" - and so my natural hair has, I'm sure, not looked so great. But it didn't matter, nobody was seeing it - even if I just went downstairs for laundry, etc., I'd at least wear a baseball cap.
    It occurred to me that if I actually met someone and started dating, they would eventually need to see it. So I've known for a little while that I at least needed to get a real haircut and not keep doing it myself. At a practical level I wasn't sure how that would work - would I go someplace without a wig on to get it done?  Unlikely. Would I wear it and take it off when I got there? That seemed likely, but possibly awkward.
    I had lunch with a friend on Friday (Bastille Day!!!) and mentioned all of this, and showed her a picture I had found on-line of a hair style that I thought might work for me (BTW, my hair is quite thin, and there is some male-pattern baldness, that's what's made going natural so difficult for me). She agreed with the style, and with my "plan" to go to Supercuts after our lunch. To help me along she insisted that I send her a selfie when I was done :-)   I like that kind of thing, being "backed into a corner" helps overcome any last-minute jitters.
    So I went to Supercuts. There was one guy and two women doing hair - I was hoping not to get the guy - I didn't. I explained to the person who did my hair that the last cuts had been my own before I took the wig off, and I showed her the picture I found. I knew she couldn't do exactly what was in the picture, I don't have enough hair :-(   But she got the idea, she knew what I was going for, and she did a great job!!!  I had fully anticipated that I would put the wig back on when we were done, but then I didn't, I went home "natural" (and mind you this was in the city, so "going home" involved a 10 minute walk in Manhattan to the PATH train, a 20 minute train ride, then a 10 minute walk home). It's not my "fantasy" hair style, but I'm not likely to ever have that (see above re "not enough hair", plus I don't think the Farrah hairstyle is so popular these days).
    Below is a picture I took after I got home (so my hair was dry). A "pixie cut" as I came to learn is what it's called :-)  Pardon the exposed bra strap and lack of any make-up!
    The self-realization happened because as I was walking home I felt a sense of liberation from not wearing a wig. I realized that I had let my wig(s) represent my gender - subconsciously I only felt like a woman with a wig on. Not that I won't ever wear them again, but I need to work through this (especially now that I'm on summer break, so I have some freedom to ease in). Friday night I had to make a trip to Rite Aid, so I decided to do it without a wig. Then yesterday when I went to play tennis I didn't wear it, and again today I went to the gym and the supermarket without it. It really does feel good, it feels like another step towards authenticity :-)
    ***Please know that I'm not criticizing wearing wigs!!! I know a lot of trans people do, and obviously I was for 2 years and probably will continue to do so. I just personally need to know that I'm fully me with or without it***
    Here's a pic -
     
    And unrelated to this post - here is a picture of Cinammon. I got her a few days before my GRS (at Duane Reade when I was getting my surgery-related prescriptions), she went with me to Philadelphia for the surgery, was with me through the entire recovery and ever since :-)  Particularly in the few weeks right after surgery, when I couldn't really write in a journal, I often talked with her about things that I was feeling...she's a great listener, she doesn't judge, she just smiles :-)

    xoxo
    Chrissy
  4. Chrissy
    Hi everyone,

    So I just recently discovered this site, and since my transition is still relatively new I thought a blog would be a good idea - to keep track of things for myself and see what others might have to offer

    I guess I'll use this entry for a little background. My transition began in earnest about a year and a half ago (it was sometime in the summer of 2013). I started with cross-dressing and discovered quickly that every time I took a step thinking it was for reason "A" it turned out it was really for reason "B." With cross-dressing, I thought I was doing it for sexual/fetish reasons, but very quickly realized that wasn't my reason at all. The first bit of evidence that I recall is that the first time I shopped for clothes (on Venus.com) I went in thinking I was looking for "hook-up" clothing - when my order arrived a few days later I found that I hadn't ordered anything like that at all - what I got was arguably cute and flirty, but not hook-up. So that called into question my reason for cross-dressing.

    Even then, it seemed like cross-dressing was just it's own thing - I started doing it at home, and then eventually got up the guts to get dressed at home and actually go out! But still, at that point when I was a boy I was a boy, when I was a girl, I was a girl. The first break in that was my JLo bag from Kohl's (my favorite brand/store combo!). I bought it for cross-dressing as I needed a bigger bag so that I could carry a change of shoes. But almost immediately I started using it every day, boy or girl. Not the boldest, most obvious "statement," but it was a start, it was the first item of clothing/accessory that I used either way.

    Now I'm at point where I'm "feminizing" as much as possible - but it's really my thought process that's become more important. I'm hung up a bit on the question of what this - what being transgender - means to me?

    More later - thanks for reading!!!!
  5. Chrissy

    Work ID

    By Chrissy,

    So today I almost got kept out from going back to work from lunch!!!
    Ok not really.  But! We have ID cards to get into the building - mine hasn't been updated yet re my name and picture (for no apparent reason I was waiting until my legal name change went through, but HR confirmed I don't need to).
    When we scan into the building our pic comes up on a computer monitor at the security post near the entrance.  Usually this doesn't matter as I know all of the security people so I doubt they even look at the screen.  Today after lunch I entered through a side door where there was just one, new security guard.  AS I waited fot the nearby elevator I saw that he kept looking between the screen and me, looking confused
    I don't know what he would have done, a maintenance person I know happened along right then and stared chatting with me, confirming I work there. (Pretty sure I could have convinced him if I had to)
    Anyhow, tomorrow morning i'm going to get a new card with corrected name and picture
  6. Chrissy
    First, if any of you haven't heard the Junior Vaquez remix of Whitney Houston's "Step by Step" - you should check it out

    This has been a productive week in terms of coming out for me. I've now told all of my closest friends (in person or in writing) that I am transgender. In most cases it wasn't a surprise to them, and the support has been universal. My favorite light-hearted response was from my friend Chris (who is my closest friend among the group) who said "Woo hoo! Does that mean I'm hip?" (he does magic, so I leave it to each of you to decide if it's possible for him to be "hip").

    The most substantive positive response was

    "This is celebratory news. Please let me know how I can be a friend/supporter/ally/whatever you need. I know there's lots swirling around, and if you need to chat/bounce things off anyone, you've got an ear and a hug in me;) Truly.

    Thanks for sharing, and as you continue, please let me know how best to support. There are lots of feelings around pronouns/language. I'm adaptable to whatever works for you. I love you as the person you are and am grateful we are friends."

    Followed by an offer to start calling me "Christie" if I wanted (I don't do that in my day-to-day life yet, I don't feel like my external presentation matches that - but the fact that it's now come up probably means it will happen soon, at least in my personal life).

    I've also told both of my supervisors at work, and a co-worker with whom I'm fairly close (and found out from her that another person was picking up some hints already - and was positive about it, which was very good considering she is over my 2 direct supervisors).

    On the personal side, productivity came in the form of not trying to figure out "an answer" - my initial reaction (to many things) is to think that if I just think about it for awhile, and ask the right questions, I can come up with an answer right away. Well that's not going to happen here, the only way I'm giong to find an "answer" is to keep taking steps until I reach whatever destination is out there for me (or not, there might not really be a destination - as I write this I realize there probably isn't!).

    So my approach now is to just look for steps that I can take - take them - see if they feel comfortable - then take another step - repeat...

    There was a negative event at work, but one that lead to positive. I overheard several students (overheard is an overstatement, they were talking loud enough that one could think they were trying to talk to me from a distance), they were joking about the idea of a male (I couldn't tell who they were talking about beyond that) wearing a dress to a student event that night.

    It wasn't something I could directly address (I'm staff at the school), but I did mention it to my boss, who apparently brought it up with her boss (the one I mentioned earlier), who suggested that they should probably incorporate sensitivity training into student orientation (and I believe she's sincere, she's not the type to just talk about it). So that was good - but the really good part is that it inspired me to try to take more steps to be out at work. It would be inappropriate for me to address the students directly about the issue, but if they ultimately get the point that I am TG it might make them think more about what they're saying.

    Well, that's all for now - oh, tonight I'm telling my sister, first family member...

    xoxo

    Christie
  7. Chrissy

    "Ghost Whisperer"

    By Chrissy,

    A month or so ago (hard to keep track of the passage of time these days) I found myself becoming addicted to "Ghost Whisperer."  I had seen bits of the show in passing in the past but it never caught my attention until now.  For those who don't know, it was a show from - well, sometime - with Jennifer Love Hewitt in which she could see ghosts of people who hadn't been able to "cross over."  She helps them resolve whatever it is that is keeping them "Earth-bound."  And regardless how neat and sappy the episode is, it never fails to get me to cry at the ending as the ghost "sees the light."
    I've never been a particular believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason, but I'm a strong believer in the ongoing work of the subconscious.  I believe that it's always vigilant and ready to tell you "you need this, you're ready for this."  I believe that's why my sudden addiction to this show.
    My parents passed away about 10 years ago, within about 3 months of each other, and both too young (my mother was 67, my father had just turned 69).  My life, which had been unraveling in slow and not-so-slow motion up until then, went into a full-on tail spin not long after that.  I don't want to go into those details, and I know there are many, many people who have had far worse experiences, but I'll suffice it to say here that my experiences were not run-of-the-mill problems.  I also spent a lot of that time blaming my parents, and not necessarily without cause.
    They made a decision when we were born (I have an older brother and sister) that they didn't want to do what their parents did, which was to push them towards or away from particular careers, basically pushing them in the direction they thought they should go.  But in doing so, my parents (I believe) went way too far in the other direction, failing to provide any sense of direction or encouragement to us.  As a result I failed to develop follow-through and beyond that a belief in myself and that I could accomplish things.
    Anyway, last night while I was doing my volunteer gig at a comedy theater there was a show going on that wasn't catching my interest, so I found myself going into my own head.  Perhaps a comedian had made a parent reference, but something got me to thinking about them.  And I realized (and this is where "Ghost Whisperer" comes into play) that I needed to forgive them, because until I did I wasn't going to be able to move on, at least as effectively as I can.
    And so I did.  Right, wrong, or otherwise I blamed them, and by doing that I was keeping myself focused on what they did wrong and the impact it had on me, rather than taking charge of my own life.  I think I got into "Ghost Whisperer" because my subconscious saw the show's structure and realized that I needed that, and I was ready for it.  It also might have some up because I was wearing my mother's high school ring.  And especially right now I need that, because I've started a journey here that requires (REQUIRES) me to believe in myself.  I find that when I feel any sense of "doubt" lately it's really fear, it's the fear that I will never be "passable," that people will always see a "man."
    So there you have it.  My review of "Ghost Whisperer" 
    xoxo
    Christie
    (P.S., for further evidence of my belief that it was time, "Christie" was my birth middle name, and it was my mother's maiden name)
     
     
     
     
  8. Chrissy

    HRT Update

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    I just had my endocrinologist appointment - my testosterone level is at 170 now - yay!!!  Typical male level is 270-1200, female level is up to the 60s or so - so I'm in "No Man's and No Woman's Land" currently - but it's progress!
    I think the nicest part of the appointment was when he said he wished everyone who came to see him was like me - in this case meaning that he has no qualms about what I'm doing and giving me the HRT prescription, so that was nice to hear :-)
    He did say I need to lose some weight - which I knew quite well already, I'm hoping hearing it from him will help motivate.
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  9. Chrissy
    Last night the feminist group I belong to had a discussion about trans issues in the feminist movement - I was the organizer/moderator of the event.  The event was titled "Are Trans Women Real Women?" (the title was intentionally provocative with an obvious "YES" answer).
    I was pretty nervous going in - public speaking isn't really my thing, or at least hadn't been - the group organizer asked me, before anyone else was there, if I was nervous - I said "Yes." But I also said that it would pass as soon as I started talking. I realized later what a change that was - in the past I would have been nervous until it was over, not just until I started talking. But that is what happened, my anxiety peaked right as she introduced me, and then passed immediately. The rest of the way was pretty easy going. We played 4 short videos, the first was from a TERF (just so that they're perspective was shown) and then 3 trans people (the video links are below - the 2nd one is so incredibly moving, I still can't watch it without crying). They we had people pair off to discuss the question "What is a woman?"  Then we came back together as a group and talked for about an hour.
    So that put me in an interesting place - I was the only trans person present, and I was the moderator. So early on in particular I tried to hang back and let other people talk, even when I had a clear answer to a question or point. That worked nicely, there was a lot of value in letting the group work through issues that they hadn't before. The question proved particularly good as it was one that most people hadn't thought about before ("What is a woman?"). One person acknowledged that she probably had always gone through life without a definition but with a "I know it when I see it" belief.
    It's a really good group, we always have good discussions, and I think some good came of this, particularly in terms of people having a better understanding of trans issues and cisgender privilege. They even came to recognize that by even having to have this discussion suggests that the feminist movement is largely a cisgender movement (in addition to being a white movement).
    On a personal note, I'm thrilled at having done this. It's one more thing that I would never have thought about doing pre-transition, and now not only did I do it, but I want to do more of it.
    xoxo
    Chrissy
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLG6rqN8vjU (Jenni Murray)https://youtu.be/E0v_idyvjco (girl with cards)https://youtu.be/S8DwxjDrNNM (Lee Mokobe)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsowxKx_-_c (Janet Mock)
  10. Chrissy
    Well, my name change became official this past Monday (the 19th).  I was hoping to get some documents taken care of, but was thwarted by the court, they hadn't recorded the last filing, so I couldn't get the certified copy of the order that I needed.  I got that this morning - yay!!!  But then the social security office was closed (at noon!  what's that about!?!?).  I'm hoping tomorrow morning I can get social security and driver's license done, then I'll have what I need to plow through the rest of my list (that'll take a few weeks, but I've prioritized it).
    I'm also changing my gender identification for social security and driver's license, they required 2 different certifications (one from a doctor, one from a therapist), but I have both documents now.
    As I filled out the payment form at the court I realized it was the first time I officially wrote my new name on something, that felt very good :-)
    I went out Monday night with a couple of friends for dinner to celebrate "name day" - we went to a TGIF's in Jersey.  The evening started off very nicely as the hostess complimented my make-up (which was especially nice as it was the make-up i had on all day, just a little touched-up before dinner).  I'll do something more tomorrow night assuming I get my driver's license.
    xoxo
    Christie
  11. Chrissy

    pressing on...

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    Just a quick update - on Wednesday my therapist said she would write the letter I need for the endocrinologist, and I have an appointment to see him on August 6 (I made the appointment before having the letter knowing that there would be some lag before I could actually get an appointment, he's apparently very busy).  I know there are some tests they'll have to do first, but my medical history at least doesn't seem to have any counterindicators to HRT.  So I'm hopeful that by mid to late August I'll have started.
    Every thought that I have about it is positive - it makes me feel happy, content, sometimes excited - never hesitation.  I think having some time pass since the school-wide announcement went out, and the fact that I'm presenting more and more female, has allayed much of the fear that I felt earlier.  It's gotten to the point where it's strange to hear or use my prior name!  (I'm also starting to look into a legal name change).
    One thing that I'm a little hung up on right now is rest rooms.  The schools position is simply that I should use whichever rest rooms I feel are appropriate.  The problem is that I still feel like I'm presenting somewhere in the middle, so I think I feel a little uncomfortable using either!  (they are planning to add a gender-neutral rest room, which I'd probably start using until I feel that I sufficiently "pass").  Then of course there are rest rooms in other places!  Ugh.  Interestingly, the bar that I often go to recently moved (and changed it's motif a bit - it's now officially a "drag bar"), and they now have "Men" and "Women" on their restrooms, which they didn't at the previous location!  It seems like step backwards to me :-)
    That's where I am now - I have a few more days off before going back to work, a little more time for introspection before rejoining the working world!
    xoxo
    Christie
  12. Chrissy

    3 Weeks on HRT

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    I've now been on HRT for 3 weeks - I know the dosage started low, so my expectations of seeing "drastic" changes was set accordingly.  Having said that, these are the things I've observed (or think I've observed) so far:
    (1) Sex drive - this has definitely flat-lined at this point, and it's been the case for over a week now.  Attractions are still there, but desire to act on them is non-existent.  Masturbation has also gone away entirely (which frees up a good amount of time on the weekends!)  I'm sure this is just an adjustment and will come back, but it's the one impact I can say has definitely happened.
    (2) Skin - I'm less positive about this, but I think my skin may be smoothing out.  I first noticed this last weekend, I was sitting watching TV and randomly put my hand on my leg and it felt different, softer and smoother.  Now I also think it's happening on my arms
    (3) Voice - this one i'm almost positive isn't real, but I want to track everything - one of my supervisors said that she thinks my voice is sounding more feminine.  I did explain that as far as I know HRT shouldn't have any impact on my voice, but who knows.
    (4) Appetite - hard to be specific about this one, but I've noticed subtle changes in my appetite, both in terms of how much I eat (less) and what I eat (better)
    (5) Emotional state - this is subtle, but I think present.  I feel like I have now left behind the nagging (and depression inducing) question of "who am I?" or "who am I supposed to be?", and now my focus is on "what do I want to do?" and "how do I want to spend my time?" - questions that have always been present, but harder to address back when I was spending so much time and effort faking who I was.  It almost seems silly now to think that I could have known what I wanted from my life when I was trying to convince everyone (including me) that I was a gay man.
    xoxo
    Christie
  13. Chrissy

    Bottom Surgery!!!

    By Chrissy,

    As I mentioned in my last posting, I had a consultation in Philadelphia on Monday about bottom surgery - it went very well, I liked the surgeon a lot and liked the work that she showed me.  So I'm scheduled for December 27 :-)
    I had anticipated waiting until spring because of school, but classes finish in the fall on December 23, and there's over a month before spring classes, so this worked out, and financially it's VERY helpful as it lets me get this under my current insurance, and in the same year as top surgery so that I have only 1 deductible to worry about.
    I had a "gut check" moment while waiting for the surgeon - this time my gut's response was "leave me alone! this is good!" - so apparently my gut is getting a little annoyed at me checking-in too much. I drove down (hate driving, but it seemed easier), and the drive back was awesome - nothing about the drive itself, just knowing that I'm getting this done, that it's scheduled and before we start 2017 I will be just about as much of a woman as I can be :-) (physically at least)
    Now I get to have the conversation with my brother in which I tell him :-)  That should be fine, we've already spoken about me being trans and he's totally supportive, just awkward having any medical discussions with him.
  14. Chrissy
    Good morning everyone,
    I've now finished just over a week on HRT, and a full business week with my "Real Life Test."
    There's nothing really to report on the HRT front, which isn't surprising.  I did start a "chart" that I put on my bulletin board so that each week I can write down what, if any, changes I noticed.  This week the only possible change was reduced libido - though I can't say that with 100% certainty yet.
    The "real life test" is another story.  I broke through and wore my wig, along with breast inserts, to work and pretty much everywhere this week.  This morning I had an appointment with a surgeon (about my shoulder) and for a moment I considered not wearing it there, but then decided that this is either full-time or it's not, I can't pick and choose.  So I did it, and it went well.  I did have to use my old name for insurance reasons, but they picked up on my transition quickly and added "Christie" to their records (the doctor needs a second to catch up - when he took me to his assistant to schedule surgery he alternated between "Miss Cunningham" and "he" - but that's fine :-)
    The only time I can see being out and not wearing the wig is to the gym - that may come as well, but for now I won't just because I don't know how wearing a wig on a treadmill would go :-)
    One pleasant discovery was a different type of band for holding the wig on.  It's a band that goes around your hairline and fastens with velcro, and the wig holds on to that.  Far more comfortable than pins, and so far it seems quite secure.
    Otherwise to make sure I keep moving forward I just remind myself to "do what I do" - meaning, don't deviate from what I would have otherwise done in order to avoid anyone seeing me with the wig on.
    I also went by the LGBT Center this week and got signed-up for their Transgender Resources "system."  I have an intake scheduled in a few weeks so that I can hopefully join a closed support group (the drop-in one that happens the 1st Wednesday of each month has been a disappointment to me so far).  They're also looking into places where I can donate clothing :-)
    xoxo
    Christie
  15. Chrissy
    I went to a TG support group at the LGBT Center here in Manhattan last night.  They meet the first Wednesday of each month (there are 2 groups, 1 for transwomen and 1 for transmen).
    I'm hoping that the way it went last night is not typical of the group.  We (actually "they," I was pretty quiet) spent the entire 90 minutes talking about Caitlyn Jenner.  I'm hoping it's just because it was such a big story, and that the group isn't just a current events discussion group.  I was really hoping for an actual "support" group after all.  I'll definitely go again next month, and in the meantime there was 1 person there who I already knew (from the Thursday night Stonewall group), so I might get together with her sometime and can find out more about the group (she's been going for about a year).
    On another front - I'm meeting today with the Dean and Associate Dean of the school where I work, they wanted to meet to talk about how they can help with my transition.  I obviously have nothing to compare to, but I feel really great about the support that I've been getting here!  It almost makes me feel bad that I was looking for a new job .
  16. Chrissy
    Ok people, sorry for the bummer of a subject line, but a week of insomnia isn't conducive to optimism
    It could be from my shoulder surgery, but as each day passes that seems unlikely - it's not hard getting comfortable anymore, I just stay wide awake.
    I think it is, indirectly transition-related.  It's not because of transitioning, but because the transition had been so all-consuming for awhile that I had put aside other concerns.  Now that i'm acclimating more to transitioning (though not completely yet), i'm faced with the feeling again that so much of my life feels like a vast, empty wasteland, no matter what way I go, or if I don't go anywhere, it's all the same nothing.
    Transitioning in this context takes on a new feeling - if i'm going down I might as well go down as me and not a fake
    sorry for the downer entry - needed to get it out
    Christie
  17. Chrissy
    After almost a week of playing phone tag I finally got in touch with my doctor last night.  I was trying to talk to him about getting a finasteride (sp?) prescription (which he took care of) and a referral for an endocrinologist.  When I originally left the message for him I hadn't said why I was asking for these, so on the phone with him was when I told him that I had come out (I don't like using that term for some reason) as transgender.
    I've been going to him for a number of years now (10 or so?  Maybe many more, maybe a few less - time is hard to keep track of), and I like him alot.  Beyond being a really good doctor, he's very friendly, he's ALWAYS on time (my prior doctor was almost always 45 minutes to an hour late for appointments), and he's holistic in his approach.  Consistent with all of that, as soon as I told him I'm trans* he congratulated me, and then asked about my support system.  He then gave me the name of an endocrinologist, and said that once I'm on the hormones he would be able to do the follow-up, but that an endocrinologist was better for setting the initial levels.  He also said that he works with a number of trans* patients, which made me feel even more comfortable.
    I haven't officially decided on HRT yet, but I feel like it's going to happen, and possibly quite soon.  I raised the question with my therapist last week, to see what her general "guidelines" are in terms of providing a letter.  She said she doesn't really have any, she's worked with a number of trans* clients and has done letters for them at all different times.  For now she thinks we still need to work a little more through my lingering doubts (which I suspect were really fears, not doubts, but I completely agree with her on this point).
    So I now have a pretty decent support system in place - my doctor, my new gender therapist (who I like a lot!), a bunch of close friends who are incredibly supportive, a job that is also very supportive, this website!, an electrologist who I like (and who is also a transwoman), and next Wednesday I'm going to a trans* support group in the city.
    As a "side note" this week was the first week when I started to introduce myself as Christie, and be referred to as Christie by a number of people, and it's starting to feel normal 
    This actually gives me the confidence to send the email to my sister that I wrote over the weekend.  I had to spend some time on it to make it non-confrontational.
  18. Chrissy

    Evolution Journal

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    This started as a journal entry for myself, but I decided that it would be better to put out in the “public” instead. My summer classes ended on July 11, and the fall semester doesn’t start until the end of August – leaving a “void” of about a month and a half (I had hoped to find work to fill in that time, but that didn’t happen). Before it started I had been at times excited about the “void,” and at times terrified – and for the same reason.

    I knew that this would be a good time to do some personal reflection. The past year has been pretty big, as I’ve talked about in other posts – leaving my job, going back to school, and having breast augmentation surgery and GCS. The GCS was probably the biggest, but with being in school and dealing with recovery, there wasn’t much time to reflect.

    Anyway – in an earlier post I mentioned that I considered GCS to be effectively the end of my transition (it isn’t really, but going forward there aren’t a lot of active decisions to make) and the beginning of my “evolution” (as I called it). This turned out to be more meaningful, and far more difficult than I thought at the time. I think the way I described it was that I had transitioned to become a woman (physically) now it was time to see what I wanted to do with my life as a woman.

    There is so much tied up in this that it’s hard to know where to start – obviously the big “mistake” in my life was that I was identified and lived as the wrong gender for my entire life until I was about 48 years old. That fact alone makes it hard to just pick up and live. But in that are also the many, many decisions I made over time that were directly or indirectly linked to my gender dysphoria. There are far too many of those decisions to try to sort through, and I doubt it would be worthwhile if I could. One part of me wonders what my life would be like if I had realized much earlier that I was a woman and been allowed to live that way – but the more reasonable part of me realizes that doesn’t really matter, I can’t achieve that now, I can move back to some point in the past and do it over again.

    A big problem now is the feeling that I can’t, or rather won’t, move forward. It seems strange considering how much I’ve accomplished over the past couple of years, but I don’t believe in my own ability to move forward from here. I’m able to almost dismiss the past couple of years as having simply erased a deficit rather than actually advancing in life. And it’s not that I don’t think I have the ability to do the things that I want to do, it’s that I don’t believe I have the will to do it, which I think comes down to lack of self-care, lack of self-love.

    Which brings me to the main point of this post, “Childhood Emotional Neglect.” In concept I’ve been aware of this for some time, I just recently came across that specific name for it. It’s basically the idea that your parents didn’t give you enough emotional attention as a child and so you don’t develop proper emotional health for yourself.

    I realize this sounds like – and truly is – another “blame the parents” approach. I truly have moved past that point, with help from my former therapist. In one session I talked about how I thought my parents had failed, vs my sister who felt like they did the best they could. My therapist responded with “they might have done the best they could, but you needed more.” Which was a very helpful way of reconciling the past and bringing up to today – they probably did fail me, that isn’t going to change, so I have to fix it now.

    I’ll stop my rambling now J  That’s the point I’m at right now, and I hope to use the rest of my time until school starts to process some more of this. While writing a paper last semester I was doing a review of an article about working with transgender clients which pointed out that “completing” physical transitioning is not the end of the process, which I was very happy to see addressed, it truly isn’t the end, it’s yet another beginning, and often (always?) a pretty scary one.
    xoxo
    Chrissy


  19. Chrissy

    It's happening again...

    By Chrissy,

    I could almost think it's something about me, but it's not.
    In my previous position with the school I provided administrative support to the Law Review (a student publication).  Under the original faculty publisher I had a lot of responsibility, and it grew over time.  Then a new faculty publisher came in and suddenly I found my position gradually (though not slowly) being diminished.  She never bothered to even learn what I did and started giving the students more and more responsibility which had formerly been mine (and responsibility that they really couldn't handle given their schedules).  So I felt like I was effectively demoted without changing positions.
    In September I moved to the Marketing Department and immediately loved my new job, my new responsibilities, and my new boss.  At the time I reported directly to the Vice President of Marketing, and she gave me quite a bit of autonomy in my position (maybe too much, who knows).
    In December the VP left.  In the interim her management responsibilities were split between another VP and a manager in our department (I took on some of her non-management responsibilities).  So for the transition period I knew that I was working under that manager.  I wasn't thrilled by that - I like her, but she's not a very good supervisor (her communication skills are seriously lacking).  But I figured I could survive, and they were pretty quick in finding a new VP, so all seemed good.
    Then in early January the Dean sent an email to the entire school announcing the new VP.  At the bottom of that email he also mentioned that the manager I had been temporarily working under had been promoted to Assistant VP, and among her responsibilities was supervising some of the Marketing Dept., INCLUDING ME!!!  So, I had been once again effectively demoted (adding a new person/position directly above you in the chain of command is a demotion), and only found out about it through an email that went to the entire school.
    I decided over the weekend that there really isn't much I can do about the situation except start to develop an exit strategy.  I've only been in this position for about 5 months, and it's a new role, so I definitely need to hold out longer and learn more.  I'd also like to get through my surgeries while I'm still here rather than having to deal with that with a new employer (especially GRS since it will involve a longer recovery time).
    While it's nice to have an exit strategy in mind, it doesn't help much in terms of getting through day-to-day.
    So anyway, I just needed to get that out somewhere :-)
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  20. Chrissy

    Transition Anniversary

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    I just wanted to do a quick post, yesterday was "officially" my 2 year anniversary of transitioning. I arguably started before that, but August 10, 2015 is when I began "presenting full-time" as a woman, and I haven't looked back :-)  It was shortly (like days) after that I started on HRT.  It's also now been almost a year since my breast augmentation surgery.
    When I look back, especially in the approach to my GCS (in December last year) I remember thinking about whether or not I would regret it. I really didn't believe I would, I think it was just that even the remotest possibility of that could have been devastating (since GCS is, for all practical purposes, irreversible). I haven't spend even a short moment of regret, so that fear didn't come to pass. The only moment that was even like it (but wasn't regret) was after 2 days of bed rest after surgery when I first had to stand up - it was such a weird, disorienting, uncomfortable feeling that I remembered wondering why I would have done this to myself - but that was just a response to how I felt at the moment, it wasn't a regret about what the surgery was for.
    I think the key for me to not being in a position where I would regret anything was that I took my time. It may not seem like it, given how much happened in just 2 years (and I recognize that objectively that is a pretty quick transition time), but when you're actually living it day to day, it's a pretty long time. But the process also mattered - at each point I took a small step, I figured out how I felt about it, and if it felt right, I took the next small step. I didn't try to immerse myself in living as a woman (not that that can't be the right approach for others, but this is what worked for me).
    The first few steps were in simpler acts of feminizing my look, until it drifted to a point where I had to go full on. Even then I was fortunate to have a friend who did a drag show and she let me guest perform, which gave me a "safe" place to present as a woman in front of a bunch of people. I did that quite a few times (she was really amazing, she pretty much let me guest perform whenever I wanted, I give her so much credit for helping me through the transition process).
    Each step not only felt right, but it felt like it wasn't enough, so moving on to the next step was easy, even necessary. I recall at an early early part of the process a good friend asked if I thought I would get "bottom surgery," and I said, totally sincerely, "probably not." I meant it completely at the time, but through the process that I went through I came to realize that it was something I wanted.
    One important thing that I've learned (or at least tried to learn) over time is to be aware of my privilege. I'm not Caitlyn Jenner, I'm not a rich white woman who could basically disappear and then re-emerge a few months later as a woman - I had to do it in real life, I had to transition while going to work, while riding the subway, while grocery shopping, etc. But still, I was fortunate to have insurance that covered most of the expenses (and the benefit of working in New York, where insurance companies are required to cover transition expenses). I also had a job that was not only ok with my transition, I think they really liked that I was doing it. And I was especially privileged in having close friends who were totally supportive and helped in so many ways as I worked through the process (especially my friend who was thrilled to have a new make-up shopping buddy and to share her knowledge of doing make-up). I'm also fortunate to have this website and the collective experience of everyone on it!
    There are so many people who don't have that kind of access and that kind of support - so I'm always looking for ways to help out (not financially unfortunately, being a full time college student doesn't leave me with much - any - discretionary spending money). Ways to be supportive individually, and ways to advocate more publicly for changes that will benefit transgender people with less resources (right now we have to fight Trump to just not lose ground - but there's always room for improvement).
    So that's all I have for this anniversary edition :-)
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  21. Chrissy

    Birthday Blog

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    My birthday is technically still 2 days away, but since I have access to a computer right now I thought I'd do this now. It seems like a good moment to just reflect on the past few years. First a quick timeline!
    March 2015 - this isn't really the beginning of the story, but this is when I actually recognized that I am transgender, and then shared that with my therapist. There was about a year or two of cross-dressing and exploring that lead to this point. One vital take-away is that from this moment on a lifetime of depression went away. I'm not saying I haven't been depressed about things since then, but the underlying, existential depression I experienced until then was gone - I stopped asking myself "Why can't I just be right?"
    August 2015 - I began "presenting full-time" as a woman, both at work and everywhere else. Working at a school helped this as the school was pretty empty during the summer, so I had time to acclimate without a bunch of faculty and students around. Also during this month I started taking hormones.
    July 2016 - I left my job to go back to school. I had been planning to go to school anyway, but part-time. My employer needed to reduce staffing, so they offered a buy-out which made my school decision easier ("easier"). It was still a tough choice to make - I had been there 10 years, it was secure, I had no idea what would happen if I left. I eventually spoke with my best friend on the phone about it (he had moved out to LA recently) and he asked "in 5 years what do you want to be looking back at?" - my decision was made.
    August 2016 - I had my breast augmentation surgery.
    September 2016 - I started school, pursuing a Masters in Social Work at NYU. For so long I had been trying to figure out what I really wanted to do in life, this choice seemed so obvious after I made it, but I know I couldn't have made this choice before coming out and transitioning.
    December 2016 - I had my GCS - YAY!!!
    May 2017 - finished first year of school - YAY!!!
    And that brings us to today. A lot has happened, and I'm thrilled with it, but I know that more still has to happen. For one thing I don't think I've quite fully internalized my own sense of being a woman, at times I still feel like an imposter. I suppose after living for 48 years identifying as a man it's bound to take some time. My recent decision to stop wearing wigs helped - I had put too much of my gender identity into them.
    I still very much fear being alone forever. I often find myself thinking that no man will ever accept me as a woman and be in a relationship. There is something to it, there are definitely men who would run away from the idea of dating a transgender person, but I also know that some of that thinking is part of what I said just before about not fully accepting myself as a woman. There's work to be done.
    I wonder if my sister will ever come around. I'd prefer to think that I'm fine just leaving her behind, but I know I'm not. We never had a very, very close relationship, but we generally had a good relationship and I miss that. I also know that I made the choice, I told her I didn't want to hear from her until and unless she was ready to accept me as a woman, and I can't back away from that.
    I'm often unwilling to accept some things that are simply true and can't be changed - they all focus around the fact that I was not born a cisgender female, and I will never have been. As a result I will physically never be a cisgender female, I will never have the experiences that a girl has growing up, etc. It's silly to reject those facts, but I still try sometimes.
    So that's more or less where I am right now - see what happens in the next year :-)
    xoxoxo
    Chrissy
  22. Chrissy

    Surgery

    By Chrissy,

    Last Thursday I went to Albany, NY for a surgery consultation (Surgeon who does breast augmentation + surgeon who works with transgender patients + takes my insurance = go to Albany).  The surgery won't happen until August, I have to be on HRT for a full year before insurance will cover it (they'll cover it if I'm "not comfortable with the growth that occurs after a year on HRT"), so it's tentatively scheduled for August 12.
    I got the basics down - it's an outpatient procedure that will take about an hour.  He took measurements and photos so that we can work on size issues later.
    But most important!  As I waited in the exam room for the surgeon I took a moment for a "gut check" - periodically when something is becoming "more real" I like to stop and reflect on how I feel in that moment.  This time, as with every other gut check moment so far, the feedback was "great!"
    I am still checking around for other surgeons - even if I go with this one I know I should talk to more than 1 (I did like him though)
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  23. Chrissy
    One purpose of this entry is to "back myself into a corner" - by publicly stating a goal i'll hopefully feel more pressure to do it
    Next week at work I plan to (1) start wearing my wig, and (2) wear a skirt at least a couple of days.  Below are a couple of pics from today - i didn't do makeup today, i'll do that tomorrow and post another
     


  24. Chrissy

    Happenings and such

    By Chrissy,

    Happy Monday everyone!
    I had my latest endocrinologist appointment last Thursday and he increased my estrogen prescription (to 2 mg from 1 mg), so that was exciting :-)
    We're having a reception at work this Thursday for someone who just made a large donation to the school ($5 million), which I'll be working at/attending.  So I realized that I needed to get something to wear - something a little dressier than what I have.  That lead to a trip to Kohl's where I found a dress, but I wasn't entirely happy with it for this event.  So I then tried Le Chateau - a store that I went to several times for men's clothing, but hadn't yet gone to for women's.  The experience was great - the sales clerk was very helpful, especially in picking out jewelry to go with the dress I picked out.  I also broke another barrier in that I tried on the dress at the store.  Since I started presenting full-time as a woman I haven't used dressing rooms at stores.  It is partly laziness, and partly not wanting to have to take off and put back on my wig - but given the nature of this purchase I thought it best to do so.  It was a little easier in this store as the fitting rooms are individual rooms located at various spots around the store, rather than a single area with a bunch of stalls - that'll be the next challenge next time I'm at Kohl's.
    The most important moment of the day came when I got back to the PATH (train) station to go home.  I sat down to wait for the train and realized that I was feeling particularly content and happy, so I thought for a moment to see where it was coming from.  It was coming from the fact that - sitting there as I was, dressed as I was, having just had the shopping trip that I had - I wasn't thinking that I was "dressed and shopping like a woman" but that I was "dressed and shopping like me."  A further sign that I am fully integrating my transition mentally.
    xoxo
    Christie
  25. Chrissy

    updates...

    By Chrissy,

    Happy Monday good people!
    On Friday I went and had my tests done for HRT.  Assuming they all come through ok then I'm on my way, my next appointment with the endocrinologist is August 6 (though if they notify me before that that everything is ok I might try for an earlier appointment).  My sense of peace and contentment grows by the minute!  Currently it's just the possibility that something will come back negative on the tests that causes me any anxiety.
    Electrolyis is going wonderfully!  I've had 6 or 7 sessions now, and the change is already very noticeable.  When I shave in the morning there is so much less to shave!  I think we're 4 or 5 sessions from doing the initial clearing.  I had done some at-home laser before starting, so that might be making it go a little quicker.
    My electrologist also gave me a good pointer on working with my voice this past week, so I spent some time over the weekend practicing at home (it takes a little effort to not feel weird talking to myself, so I start out talking to the cat, because that's perfectly normal!)
    On Saturday I put on my new wig and decided to leave it on the rest of the day to start getting used to it.  It was fine until I ate dinner.  I hadn't pinned it at all, so that's when it started to slip off.  I think put in a few bobby pins and that seems to secure it nicely.  I'm going to try working with wig tape as well.
    I had planned to "unveil" myself as a woman on July 27 (the Monday after I'm off of work for a week), but electrolysis is making me think twice.  I'm still at a point where I have to not shave a couple of days before each session, and I'm not sure how I feel about how I'd look wearing a wig with stubble.  I'll play with that next week when I'm off and see.  I do plan next week to wear the wig out as much as possible!
    xoxo
    Christie
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