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Chrissy

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  1. Chrissy
    Just some random thoughts as another week comes to an end and I get ready for a 4-day weekend (YAY!)
    I mentioned in an earlier post that this week I finally wore shoes (2 days) that are clearly women's.  This was also the first week that I've gone 100% in female clothing.  I'm still getting more "sirs" than I'd like, and someone yesterday commented on what I was wearing saying "I respect a man who can wear pink."  Those things all make me wonder "what more do I have to do!?!?"
    Well, that's my weekend project, figuring out what more I can do 
    I had my first electrolysis appointment yesterday.  It was 45 minutes (10-15 minutes of consultation first, then 45 minutes of actual electrolysis).  It hurt, but it wasn't as bad as i had feared, and she started with the upper lip which she said was the most painful part.  Going into it my fears were (1) if I could afford it (I will find a way!), (2) if it would hurt too much (I have 4 tattoos, this didn't feel as bad), and (3) that I had to let the hair grow a couple of days before the session - AHH!!!  (it's worth it for the long-term benefit).  What I noticed though was that there was no fear about whether or not I really wanted it.  It did scare me at the end when she said I can't wear make-up for the next week - I'm supposed to do drag on Tuesday, that might be a challenge (I'll see what I can pull off this weekend, something without foundation)
    Also reached out to my doctor about getting a propecia prescription and to have at least a preliminary discussion about hormone therapy.  Haven't been able to make contact with him yet, but I should get somewhere on this early next week.
    My new therapist continues to be wonderful!  And she gave me contact information for  TG support group in the city.  They meet the 1st Wednesday of each month, so I have that in my calendar for June.
    At work there was also a very positive development.  The person who used to be my bosses' boss (she was over all 3 people to whom I report) shifted positions, she's now the head of the Office of Diversity and Inclusion (or something like that).  When the announcement came out about that I sent her a congrats email, and used that to "come out" to her (I think she might have known already, but I wasn't sure).  She thanked me and said that she definitely wants to incorporate trans issues into the work that she'll be doing (it is a new position), and she said that she'd like to chat with me sometime soon to get any thoughts I might have about what the school can do.  I've known her for several years and I know that she's not the type to just "blow smoke up your ass," if she says she wants to do something she really does, and typically gets it done.  So on my task list for the long weekend is also to think about what I see as the logistical things that might come up, and then look at that to see what I should raise with her.  I'm also meeting with our HR director again to update - she mentioned that they are very soon going to "re-label" rest rooms with respect to gender identity (she couldn't tell me more about that yet).
    Finally, on Wednesday night I do a volunteer gig at a comedy theater in the city.  I told the person who coordinates volunteers that I had decided to start using my female name, so this week that started.  He's really sweet, he seemed to go out of his way to find ways to use my name whenever he could, and before I left we had a long conversation about it, he was curious about a lot of it (and also apologized in advance if he asked anything insensitive, which he didn't do).  There were also 2 occasions that night where I had to introduce myself to someone and that was the first time I introduced myself in person to someone as Christie 
    So on the whole this was a really good week!  Underneath all of this was just a far greater comfort with what I'm doing and where I'm going.
    I hope everyone has a lovely Memorial Day weekend!
    xoxo
    Christie
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
  2. Chrissy

    Mon anniversaire

    By Chrissy,

    Bonjour toute le monde!
    As it's passed midnight it's now officially my birthday - 49 years old today (really at 12:39 pm).
    In prior years i've swung between not wanting to think about it being my birthday, to putting too much emphasis and really wanting to celebrate (which never worked our as planned).  This year I feel content with doing whatever comes up and otherwise doing some introspection and planning.  I might go down to the shore (the "beach" for those of you not from New Jersey).
    I went out on Tuesday night in my new wig, a "test run" if you will.  I was really happy with how it looked, I just need to learn how to secure it better.  I probably won't start wearing it full time until i'm further along with electrolysis.
    this next thing is pretty intangible, and u think much of my introspection/planning today will be on this point - this is partly about presentation, but I also know that I need to stop thinking about "becoming" a woman and instead recognize that I am a woman and living as such.  I noticed on tuesday and on the train tonight that I no longer feel connected to gay men.  Not that i'm ditching all of my relationships, but I don't feel connected to the "community" anymore, which makes me want to feel more connected to the straight (or bi) woman "community."  Whatever all that means
    Here's a picture from tuesday, i'm on the left

  3. Chrissy
    I didn't think this would become a weekly thing, going in I assumed I would get tired of the show pretty quickly (being on E and all), but no, I'm not.  The show really is getting better and better each week, and my respect for Caitlyn grows with it (she is exec producer, so nothing happening on the show is happening without her).
    This week they spent more time with the less fortunate trans people in San Francisco, and Caitlyn seemed sincerely moved and in fact did a couple of really great things for one of them!  This episode was shot about 5 weeks before her ESPY presentation, so I could see where her sentiments in that came from.
    On the personal side - first the less important part - I was tweeting during the show and watching what others were tweeting - I did 3 original tweets myself, and got re-tweeted on all of them my Jenny Boylan, so I was pretty happy about that :-)   I also got 2 of them favorited by Michelle Visage (RuPaul's co-host on Drag Race), also pretty exciting.
    On the more substantial side - I had already decided that this was the week that I was going to wear my wig to work, and then skirts (tomorrow for the skirt).  The show was so inspiring that it really put me over the top in terms of doing it.  I came to see what I was doing as more than just a part of my personal journey (though obviously that's important too!) but also as a measure of activism.  There are still so many trans people who simply can't live out their lives the way they want, so I think it's important for anyone who can to do so (to the extent they're comfortable with it of course), so that we can gradually change the overall society and give others more room to live their lives.  That's what Caitlyn is doing in a very public way, and it's something I can do in a less public way, but it's still a contribution.  Visibility = Power (as the Lesbian/Gay movement has shown).
    They also had an interesting conversation about voices.  Candice Cayne apparently just has a fairly natural feminine voice, and Chandi Moore just talks the way she talks and won't change that.  Jenny Boylan made the comment "This is as far as we'll go, everyone else just has to meet us there."  I really liked that comment.  And Caitlyn, who had been worried about her voice, eventually said that it's not so important how she sounds but what she says.
    Anyway - time to work now  :-)
    xoxo
    Christie
     
    Here's a picture from work today...

  4. Chrissy

    Bottom Surgery!!!

    By Chrissy,

    As I mentioned in my last posting, I had a consultation in Philadelphia on Monday about bottom surgery - it went very well, I liked the surgeon a lot and liked the work that she showed me.  So I'm scheduled for December 27 :-)
    I had anticipated waiting until spring because of school, but classes finish in the fall on December 23, and there's over a month before spring classes, so this worked out, and financially it's VERY helpful as it lets me get this under my current insurance, and in the same year as top surgery so that I have only 1 deductible to worry about.
    I had a "gut check" moment while waiting for the surgeon - this time my gut's response was "leave me alone! this is good!" - so apparently my gut is getting a little annoyed at me checking-in too much. I drove down (hate driving, but it seemed easier), and the drive back was awesome - nothing about the drive itself, just knowing that I'm getting this done, that it's scheduled and before we start 2017 I will be just about as much of a woman as I can be :-) (physically at least)
    Now I get to have the conversation with my brother in which I tell him :-)  That should be fine, we've already spoken about me being trans and he's totally supportive, just awkward having any medical discussions with him.
  5. Chrissy
    Good morning everyone,
    Before I get to the main point, I have an anecdote from last week (I share this with a couple of people already) - I was going to be hanging out with my friend Mindy on Friday night, so at lunchtime I went to get some wine (to go with the nachos we were planning).  When I was at the store I heard the clerk say to me (I wasn't facing him at that moment, but I was the only customer in the store), "If you need any help maam just ask."
    I woke up ridiculously early today suddenly filled with doubts.  It was bad enough that I wished I could just get up and go to the gym (unfortunately, or fortunately, the gym wasn't going to be open for another hour).
    This may have been triggered by a diary entry I did last night in which I decided I should actually look head-on at the things that I fear about transitioning.  It was a little comforting when i did it (putting things concretely on paper almost always makes them seem more manageable), but I clearly put the ideas in my head, and upon waking they were bad again.  So what do I fear?  Undoubtedly nothing that almost everyone else hasn't thought of, but here is my list:
    *What if I need to find a new job, how easy or hard will it be?
    *Will I be able to find a relationship?
    *Will my friendships really stay as strong as they are with the "new reality" (this one assumes full transition to female, anything short of that won't endanger any of my current friendships)
    *Will I face other forms of discrimination, and even violence?
    *Are there a bunch of things I'm not even thinking of?
    *Can I even afford it?
    *What if it wasn't the right choice?
    Now some counterpoints (the thoughts that kept me moving this morning):
    Job - my current job is pretty secure, and my employer is very good as far as non-discrimination, so hopefully finding a new job isn't a near-term issue
    Relationship - I haven't had a serious relationship in about 15 years, so not being able to find one as a woman wouldn't be any worse, and if I'm finally being true to myself it might be easier
    Friends - yes, my friendships will change, but they'll stay stronger (I can already see a couple of my friendships getting stronger!)
    Discrimination - no real counter to this, it's tragic, but it happens and I'd have to deal with it then
    Things I'm not thinking of - probably, but that's why I keep reading blog and forum entries here, and why I'm going to start going to a local support group
    Cost - I either can or I can't, but I have to do as much as I can
    Right choice - no matter how bad I felt having doubts this morning, I felt even worse when i thought about going back.  I still don't know how far I'll go, but there is work to do.
    Which brings me back to the "maam" anecdote at the beginning.  If I have doubts I just need to remember how good it felt to hear that 
     
    xoxo
    Christie
     
     
     
     
  6. Chrissy

    Background....

    By Chrissy,

    I've been wanting to do this for my own purposes anyway, but since I have a blog now I should use it!

    In exploring my gender I've thought a lot about the past and anything that might have been an indicator of what I really was (am!).

    The earliest item is my very first best friend (only friend for awhile) - Missy (totally ironic that I now use that name for my drag name). I'm not even sure when we became friends, we were both younger than 5 years old though. She lived down the street from me, so to some extent it was convenience, we were the only people close to each other in age - she had a brother and sister who were both substantially older, I have a brother and sister who are older, but they lined up with other kids in the area who were around their age. Convenience wasn't everything though, we were very close and stayed close friends well into elementary school, even after both of us had met other people and could "travel" to play if we wanted. Our usual play routine involved things that I think would be typically seen as "girls" - basically "playing house" with various Fisher Price toys. I had a G.I. Joe, but it wasn't my choice, I would have preferred a Barbie (she had much better accessories!), and in my hands Joe didn't do the things that he would normally have done (he never went to war). Sadly we did drift apart - it was around the age when it was "wrong" to have friends of the other sex/gender (girls had cooties after all).

    I didn't have any close female friends through the rest of elementary school or high school - but I was friendly with more girls than boys (in hindsight I can see that they no doubt saw me as non-threatening, so it was easier to get closer). These weren't good years (for multiple reasons that probably had nothing to do with gender).

    After that I started having more female friends, and a wife. We ostensibly divorced when I came out as gay, but I can see things from the time of being married that suggested otherwise. One fairly substantial thing is that when it came to decorating the more "female" touches were generally my suggestion! I like pink, I like it anywhere that it looks good, which is pretty much anywhere (for example, I was very excited when I found that I could make this all pink! Hopefully it doesn't make it hard to read). To put an even finer point on it, we didn't paint our living room pink, we painted it "dusty rose." My choice. I'm sure I tried to keep some check on it, but not with complete success. Later on I would ascribe that to being gay, but now...

    Since then I've pretty much always had at least one very close female friend. Again I would have typically said that it was because I'm gay - but I honestly don't know many of my gay friends who routinely have female friends, they tend to stay more to themselves (I'm also not denying the possibility that both sexuality and gender play a role in this).

    I'll save the more recent indicators for later

    xoxo

    Christie
  7. Chrissy

    My journey...update

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,

    Happy Friday!!!

    Some follow-up from last week, there was one friend I hadn't heard from after I emailed him last week, I wasn't too worried, but I admit I was a little worried (he doesn't live nearby, so i don't get to see him in person as much). Anyway, I texted him yesterday to see if he had gotten the email, he hadn't (some problem accessing his Yahoo email). He now has seen it and was as supportive and I expected (before getting pointlessly worried because of not getting a response).

    I told my sister last Thursday night. It went as I would have predicted if I had thought about it. She wasn't supportive - not openly hostile, but she was denying and rejecting and thoughtless and insensitive. She might come around, the problem is that the "thoughtless and insensitive" part is pretty recurring. That's why I knew I had to tell all of my friends first.

    Now I'm trying to think about my next steps. I think I'm at or near a tipping point where almost anything I do is going to be very obvious, essentially a public "coming out." The things I've done so far have feminized my look, but not to the point where most people would start wondering what's going on. Fortunately it's a good time of the year at work, we're about to go into exam period and then summer break, so it will mostly be staff around for the next few months. That gives me a chance to take more steps with a more limited audience and get used to it before a lot of students are around.

    I think my next big step is going to be to work on my female voice. I've done it in the past, but not consistently enough that I've felt comfortable using it in front of anyone. Since I decided to start going back to the Thursday night TG/CD group I want to be ready by then to try it publicly, even if it's not flawless (which seems reasonable).

    And I want to thank everyone here again for all your wonderful comments and support! This site has been vital to me in this journey!

    xoxo

    Christie
  8. Chrissy
    Good morning everyone!

    For those of you noticing that I don't have a pic (which hopefully won't be the case by the time most people notice), I tried to change it over the weekend, but for various tech reasons wasn't able to.

    Anyway. The 1 more week in my subject line refers to 1 more week at work in which I'll generally be presenting as male (a male who wears mascara, lip gloss, and JLo jeans on Fridays, but a male). Next week we go into exam period and then summer, so I plan to shift my wardrobe and overall presentation to female as much as possible (money being the limitation).

    I told both of my supervisors, and they said that they would also tell a couple of the students (the leaders of the respective organizations I work with) in case there's any talk among students. It should be fine, and the school's non-discrimination policy is really good (among the protected categories are "gender identity" and "gender expression").

    But still some fear. What is that fear? I considered that yesterday (writing in a journal, that always helps me explore things more deeply).

    (1) Fear of not being accepted, being rejected (a pretty minor concern)
    (2) Fear of becoming a "sideshow" and as a result losing whatever level of respect I currently get (that one sounds bad, I hate to think of being TG as a "sideshow", but it was a thought)
    (3) The big-one - the fear that I won't think I can go back. This is a journey, a journey that can go in any direction, including backwards. But if I get to a point where I think I want to go backwards, how weird will I feel having let so many people know? They might not understand it. Having said that, I know it shouldn't matter, and I'll do my best (if it comes up) to not let it matter. But also I don't see myself going back beyond where I am now. Nobody can totally predict the future, but I'm sure my future involves presenting more female than I do now (whether it goes all the way to full transition, well that's gonna take some time to know).

    The last one got me to thinking about a similar situation, when I came out as gay. Soon after I did that I started thinking that I was actually bisexual, but I remember being too afraid to acknowledge that, to myself or especially to others. For the very reason above, that it would seem like I was going backwards to people (and the fact that I had been married - if I was bi, why not stay married?)

    Those bisexual feelings, however suppressed, have remained until I recently acknowledged being TG. Then the feelings shifted and I realize (strongly suspect?) that I'm not really sexually attracted to women, I want to be one. The frustrating part (regret warning) is thinking that if I had been brave enough to acknowledge it back then, maybe I would have figured out the rest back then as well.

    can't live on regret, can't go back, but it's a little frustrating. Hoping that getting it out here will help me purge it (and in therapy this week)

    xoxo

    Christie
  9. Chrissy
    I just made an appointment for electrolysis - yay!  The part that hurt the most was that she said I'd need to let the hair grow out a little (she said enough so that she can get it with a tweezer).  For me that will take a couple of days, I hate that idea but I guess it's worthwhile for the ultimate gain (or loss).
    Also contacted my doctor for a referral for an endocronologist (not sure how you spell that) - another yay!
    Have done both of those things I'm trying to read my feelings - at first it was pure fear, which raises doubt, but now I realize it's mostly excitement (some fear, but it's about money and whether I can afford all of this)
  10. Chrissy
    Happy Friday everyone!
    I made several fairly significant steps this week.  In terms of "presentation" there was only one day that I was wearing typically male clothing (and the reason for that has now passed, so it doesn't need to happen again).  In addition to the mascara and lip gloss that I was already doing, I wore nail polish all week (including a very noticeable red on Wednesday).  And I'm getting better at curling my hair to match what the hair stylist did, so my hair style is decidedly more feminine.  I'm actually at the point that when I look in the mirror I even think I look more female!
    I also just spoke with a student about it.  I work with 2 large student groups, and this was one of the lead students for one of them.  Since I know that I'm getting more and more obvious, there's a possibility of students talking, so I wanted him to know what was going on and that it was fine to tell them if it does come up.  I limited the information I told him, but it's enough (I just said I'm trans, still fairly early in my transition, but it's happening and will likely continue...words to that effect).
    But the biggest thing happened yesterday while I was proctoring a 3 hour exam.  That gave me plenty of time to think, so I was thinking about how recently (the last few months) I've noticed that I really am not attracted to gay men, but am seemingly only attracted to straight men.  In terms of my sexual orientation I currently just say that I'm attracted to me, rather than saying that I'm a "gay male" or "straight female."  I went over this so many times trying to figure out what I thought the difference was and why I'd be attracted specifically to straight men.  Anything I thought of as far as characteristics I had to quickly dismiss knowing that anything I thought of could be found in either group (or even women for that matter!)
    Then it hit me, and when it did I felt a little stupid for not realizing it earlier.  The ONE difference between gay and straight men (and my apologies for being so binary, but it's easier for now) is that straight men are attracted to women and gay men are attracted to men (I know, "DUH!!!!").  So, I'm attracted to straight men because they're attracted to women, and I'm a woman.
    The most important take-away from that to me is that it's probably the first time I've spontaneously thought of myself as a woman - out loud at least.  I need to live with the thought for a little, but it seems like a likely tipping point for me.  It certainly explains the attraction issue.  I think it might have happened because, as I mentioned above, I'm actually starting to visually see myself as female, so I'm better able to accept that internally as well.  That's where I think the importance of "passing" comes in at this early stage.  Later on I hopefully won't care as much, but right now to help me work through things I need to be seen - and see myself - as female.
    Well, time to get back to work!
    Hope everyone has a great weekend!

    xoxo
    Christie
  11. Chrissy
    Good morning wonderful people of TGGuide!
    Today I have an appointment with my endocrinologist to get blood work, etc. done in preparation for HRT.  I haven't gotten the letter from my therapist yet, but it is being prepared, and she had me complete a consent form so that she can send it to the endocrinologist as soon as it's ready.  I also have an August 6 appointment with the endocrinologist, which may be (hopefully!) the day I get the prescription.
    All that is just to lead in to some thoughts about depression and my overall emotional state.  I was looking back over last weekend at some older journals that I had - they go back a couple of years.  I was struck by how consistently I wrote about "feeling nothing" and how my life "felt meaningless," and on occasion how close I seemed to be to just giving it up.
    I no longer have any of those feelings - but what really struck me was the fact that objectively my life hasn't changed, except for this (and I realize that's a big "except," but bear with me).  The point is that in terms of my job, my social life, my home life, etc., everything is largely exactly the same as it was (at work it may be a little worse).  But I no longer have the feeling that my life is meaningless.  I can really only attribute it to the fact that I'm now living authentically.  I noticed very early on (as soon as I openly acknowledged being trans) that my mood lifted, but it's now been months since then and nothing has changed.  Of course there's fear and anxiety about what this means for my future, but frankly that's much better than feeling nothing!
    In moments when the fear and anxiety gets especially strong (which is less frequent than it was even a few weeks ago), and I wonder if I can really do it, the immediate counterthought is that I can't not do it, I know with absolute certainty that I CANNOT go back to where I was.
    In the next few weeks I'm planning to put the "finishing touches" on presenting as a woman.  I feel ready for it, and the timing is particularly good in terms of work.  I work at a school and when I get back from vacation on July 27 (which is when I plan to "unveil" this at work) we start a period of a few weeks before the semester starts (and the summer session will be over), so I'll have a few weeks with things being pretty quiet here to get myself used to it before the throngs return (and believe me, based on where my office is located, I'm right in the midst of the throng, I'm not hidden off to a side).
    xoxo
    Christie
  12. Chrissy
    Hello all,
    This past weekend I spent a lot of time out at the National Tennis Center in Queens, NY (where the US Open is played). The LGBT tennis group I belong to was hosting the Atlantic Cup (which is a team competition between our group and groups from Boston, Philadelphia, and Washington, DC).  Although a shoulder injury keeps me from playing right now I went out to help and to stay in contact with the group (I've been a member for about 4 years, there are so many wonderful people there!).
    I experienced 2, and then a 3rd group of people with respect to my "new" identity.  Most of the members of my group already knew about my transition, so those people were just seeing me for the first time as Christie.  Then there were the players from the other cities who never knew me at all, so those people were meeting me as Christie - I especially enjoyed that.  Then there was the group (of 2 people) I hadn't thought about - a couple of members of our group who didn't know.  When one of them arrived he addressed me as [insert birth name here], and I realized that I needed to correct that.  It was fairly simple, I just hadn't thought about it happening (especially as this was on Sunday, so I had already been around there for a day +).
    Everyone in the tennis group has been really great about it - as were all of the people from the other cities (and I know I'm not fully "passable," so many of them must have figured out that I was trans without being told).
    As far as my transition, well I have my endocrinologist appointment later this week, so I'm quite excited about that :-)   I'm holding off on any decision or action about a wig.  I need to let electrolysis move along a little further, and give hormones a chance to start making physical changes.  In the meantime I'll continue working with my natural hair to see what I can do with it.  I will occasionally wear the wig out socially, I just won't "pull the trigger" on wearing it to work just yet.
    I did reach out to one surgeon via email - I explained that it was very early but that I wanted to get some basic information, especially about timing, so that if and when the time comes that I decide I'm ready for surgery I'll have an idea of what to do.  The one I contacted was the only one in NYC listed as doing all FTM surgeries.  Well, it turns out his maximum price for SRS is $60,000.  That, together with the fact that he only does that surgery in Los Angeles, pretty much makes him a non-starter for me. On Thursday I'm planning to ask the endocrinologist if he has an recommendations.
    xoxo
    Christie
  13. Chrissy
    Hi everyone,
    I recently finished my first year of school (I'm doing the 2-year MSW program at NYU) and decided that I needed a little get-away (emphasis on "little" - I don't really like traveling all that much, and can't afford much). So I decided on a day trip to the shore - my goal going into the day was to not think backwards or forward, just to try to be in the present. Of course, as I mentioned to a friend later, it was a little weird that I chose to go to a place that we used to go to all the time when I was a child if I didn't want to think backwards - but it still worked out.
    On the train ride down it occurred to me that through everything that's been going on in the past year I hadn't really taken any time to just reflect specifically on transitioning. It makes sense, I was in school  and recovery from GRS, while it wasn't ever particularly painful, is still distracting. But now, school is done for the year and the recovery is very well along - so I did reflect. In that moment I just felt really, really happy about all that had happened.
    But here's the bigger thing. Either that night or the next it was very warm - it got up to the 90s here and didn't cool off over night. Since I've been too lazy to put my a/c in and only had a fan, I ended up sleeping au naturel. With the lights out and a jazz radio station playing, I closed my eyes. Without really thinking about the fact that I was doing it, one hand came down from a stretch, landed on one of my breasts, and then down to my lower regions - nothing erotic going on, just a casual stroke if you will. But the sensation was wonderful! Again, not erotic, it was just that I actually felt a woman's body - my body was now a woman's body!
    Just wanted to share that :-)
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  14. Chrissy

    Transition Anniversary

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    I just wanted to do a quick post, yesterday was "officially" my 2 year anniversary of transitioning. I arguably started before that, but August 10, 2015 is when I began "presenting full-time" as a woman, and I haven't looked back :-)  It was shortly (like days) after that I started on HRT.  It's also now been almost a year since my breast augmentation surgery.
    When I look back, especially in the approach to my GCS (in December last year) I remember thinking about whether or not I would regret it. I really didn't believe I would, I think it was just that even the remotest possibility of that could have been devastating (since GCS is, for all practical purposes, irreversible). I haven't spend even a short moment of regret, so that fear didn't come to pass. The only moment that was even like it (but wasn't regret) was after 2 days of bed rest after surgery when I first had to stand up - it was such a weird, disorienting, uncomfortable feeling that I remembered wondering why I would have done this to myself - but that was just a response to how I felt at the moment, it wasn't a regret about what the surgery was for.
    I think the key for me to not being in a position where I would regret anything was that I took my time. It may not seem like it, given how much happened in just 2 years (and I recognize that objectively that is a pretty quick transition time), but when you're actually living it day to day, it's a pretty long time. But the process also mattered - at each point I took a small step, I figured out how I felt about it, and if it felt right, I took the next small step. I didn't try to immerse myself in living as a woman (not that that can't be the right approach for others, but this is what worked for me).
    The first few steps were in simpler acts of feminizing my look, until it drifted to a point where I had to go full on. Even then I was fortunate to have a friend who did a drag show and she let me guest perform, which gave me a "safe" place to present as a woman in front of a bunch of people. I did that quite a few times (she was really amazing, she pretty much let me guest perform whenever I wanted, I give her so much credit for helping me through the transition process).
    Each step not only felt right, but it felt like it wasn't enough, so moving on to the next step was easy, even necessary. I recall at an early early part of the process a good friend asked if I thought I would get "bottom surgery," and I said, totally sincerely, "probably not." I meant it completely at the time, but through the process that I went through I came to realize that it was something I wanted.
    One important thing that I've learned (or at least tried to learn) over time is to be aware of my privilege. I'm not Caitlyn Jenner, I'm not a rich white woman who could basically disappear and then re-emerge a few months later as a woman - I had to do it in real life, I had to transition while going to work, while riding the subway, while grocery shopping, etc. But still, I was fortunate to have insurance that covered most of the expenses (and the benefit of working in New York, where insurance companies are required to cover transition expenses). I also had a job that was not only ok with my transition, I think they really liked that I was doing it. And I was especially privileged in having close friends who were totally supportive and helped in so many ways as I worked through the process (especially my friend who was thrilled to have a new make-up shopping buddy and to share her knowledge of doing make-up). I'm also fortunate to have this website and the collective experience of everyone on it!
    There are so many people who don't have that kind of access and that kind of support - so I'm always looking for ways to help out (not financially unfortunately, being a full time college student doesn't leave me with much - any - discretionary spending money). Ways to be supportive individually, and ways to advocate more publicly for changes that will benefit transgender people with less resources (right now we have to fight Trump to just not lose ground - but there's always room for improvement).
    So that's all I have for this anniversary edition :-)
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  15. Chrissy

    Happenings and such

    By Chrissy,

    Happy Monday everyone!
    I had my latest endocrinologist appointment last Thursday and he increased my estrogen prescription (to 2 mg from 1 mg), so that was exciting :-)
    We're having a reception at work this Thursday for someone who just made a large donation to the school ($5 million), which I'll be working at/attending.  So I realized that I needed to get something to wear - something a little dressier than what I have.  That lead to a trip to Kohl's where I found a dress, but I wasn't entirely happy with it for this event.  So I then tried Le Chateau - a store that I went to several times for men's clothing, but hadn't yet gone to for women's.  The experience was great - the sales clerk was very helpful, especially in picking out jewelry to go with the dress I picked out.  I also broke another barrier in that I tried on the dress at the store.  Since I started presenting full-time as a woman I haven't used dressing rooms at stores.  It is partly laziness, and partly not wanting to have to take off and put back on my wig - but given the nature of this purchase I thought it best to do so.  It was a little easier in this store as the fitting rooms are individual rooms located at various spots around the store, rather than a single area with a bunch of stalls - that'll be the next challenge next time I'm at Kohl's.
    The most important moment of the day came when I got back to the PATH (train) station to go home.  I sat down to wait for the train and realized that I was feeling particularly content and happy, so I thought for a moment to see where it was coming from.  It was coming from the fact that - sitting there as I was, dressed as I was, having just had the shopping trip that I had - I wasn't thinking that I was "dressed and shopping like a woman" but that I was "dressed and shopping like me."  A further sign that I am fully integrating my transition mentally.
    xoxo
    Christie
  16. Chrissy

    Thanksgiving

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
    I'm not sure, since I haven't written lately, if I mentioned writing to my brother a few weeks ago about my transition (we don't speak often, so calling about it felt weird).  Anyway, he's not the most progressive thinking person, so I didn't know how he's react - and it had been a couple of weeks, so...
    He called me tonight.  He admitted to not understanding it (but heck, I don't either), but he said he's not going to judge and he is supportive
    He had some health concerns that I think I helped alleviate.
    My sister is still "absent," but thanks to this call I have to say I feel less alone tonight.  And he said he'll work on her (I resisted saying it was sweet of him to stick up for his little sister).
    It's just pointless wondering, but it made me wonder how it would have been different growing up if we had a big brother/little sister relationship
    anyway, wishing everyone the best for the holiday tomorrow.
    Christie
  17. Chrissy
    As I walked home today, I was behind a person who ran into someone he knows and said - quite loud - "men trying to become women, that [bleep] burns me up."  He was ahead of me, so I don't know if it was directed at me (he may have turned and noticed).
    Anyway, I didn't confront him (I don't make a habit of confronting random idiots on the street, seems like a wise course), but my thought was "well that's not right, i'm not a man trying to become a woman, i'm a woman no longer trying to be a man."
    I channeled it more "productively" on twitter with the following:
    Transgender 101: "Transitioning" isn't going from woman to man or man to woman, it's going from fake to authentic. #GirlsLikeUs
    If anyone is on twitter i'm ChristieCNY
    It was nice taking a negative and going positive in response. I'm so much better as a woman than I ever could have been as a man  
     
  18. Chrissy

    Hello Gorgeous, and more

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all, a couple of quick recent anecdotes...
    1. On my way to therapy the other day a random guy on the street (a contractor I believe, waiting outside a building) said "hello gorgeous" to me as I passed   I smiled at him, said hello and carried on. The downside is that it put me in a really good mood ... on my way to therapy!!! That doesn't help  
    2. I may have met someone the other night when I was out ... well, I definitely met someone, but it could be "someone" - I may know more tomorrow, we're getting together - the novelty for me is that the person is a she, so we'll see if I really am lesbian (or bisexual)
  19. Chrissy

    Happy Holidays!

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    It's been a busy few weeks so I haven't had a chance to read or write here - I hope everyone is having a nice holiday season!
    My year is ending on a nice flourish.  First, I went back to Social Security with my new doctor's note and they've now corrected my gender in their records - and the woman I dealt with was extremely nice - possibly because she knows that what happened last time was so wrong.  She also referred to me as "ma'am" several times
    I got my new birth certificate the same day.
    Sent holiday cards to all my family and friends, including a note about my transition to anyone I hadn't told yet, I want to start 2016 with everyone knowing. I've already gotten a very nice note of support back from my cousin Betsy.  My brother's card (no doubt written by his girlfriend, based on the handwriting), included "Ms." before my name on the envelope
    On a broader front - NYC recently reaffirmed a law it passed previously that compels instance companies to cover transitioning costs!  There is no doubt some wiggle-room for them, but it's a positive developement, and one that could save me much money down the road.  I wrote to our HR person to see if they have more information.
    Finally, as the end of the year approaches I thought it would be good to reach out to people who have been especially supportive and encouraging over the year in my transition - so far that includes my therapist (yes it's technically her job, but she's been especially good at it), and Pattaya - the drag queen I regularly see and who let's me perform now and then - I have no doubt that performing helped move me along quicker than i might have, presenting as a woman in front of a bunch of people in a "safe" space.  The pic below is me with Pattaya on Tuesday night - I performed Debbie Gibson's "sleigh ride"
     
    And thank you to everyone here   this is a great community, providing lots of love and support and great practical inormation!
    Finally, for anyone out there going through hard times and feeling alone - please know that nothing is permanent. As I wrote above about the positive things in my life I was fully aware of the bad that had come before, and I know it will come again, that's just reality, for everyone.  I wish I had a nice quote to close this off with, but I'm a prose writer not a poet   Just know that no matter what, this is your one and only life, even if you can't pull off optimism right now you can again sometime!
    Love,
    Christie

  20. Chrissy

    Surgery

    By Chrissy,

    Last Thursday I went to Albany, NY for a surgery consultation (Surgeon who does breast augmentation + surgeon who works with transgender patients + takes my insurance = go to Albany).  The surgery won't happen until August, I have to be on HRT for a full year before insurance will cover it (they'll cover it if I'm "not comfortable with the growth that occurs after a year on HRT"), so it's tentatively scheduled for August 12.
    I got the basics down - it's an outpatient procedure that will take about an hour.  He took measurements and photos so that we can work on size issues later.
    But most important!  As I waited in the exam room for the surgeon I took a moment for a "gut check" - periodically when something is becoming "more real" I like to stop and reflect on how I feel in that moment.  This time, as with every other gut check moment so far, the feedback was "great!"
    I am still checking around for other surgeons - even if I go with this one I know I should talk to more than 1 (I did like him though)
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  21. Chrissy

    New path

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    It's been awhile since I've been able to write - very busy at work, and outside of work (the outside part is all good, but tiring).
    In a prior post I wrote about an "exit strategy" from my current job, and that point has advanced substantially.  Several weeks ago I had breakfast with my electrologist (her appointment after me had cancelled). I was telling her about my job issues and half-jokingly asked if she knew anyone who was hiring. She replied that I was asking the wrong question, and that what I needed to ask (myself) is what is my passion, and how can I make a career out of that?
    It took virtually no time at all to figure it out once I had that question in mind and I've decided to try to pursue an MSW (Masters of Social Work) and try to become a therapist. Long ago I had thought about pursuing that career, but never followed-through. Looking back now and realizing the impact of gender dysphoria, I think that it was impossible (or at least improbable) that I could have figured out what my passion was, much less follow-through on it, until I came out as transgender (which, BTW, was a year ago this month).
    Earlier this year I started volunteering with Identity House - a group that provides peer counseling, support groups, and therapy referrals for LGBTQ people in the NYC area. I've never done anything that has given me as much personal satisfaction as this! So at this point I've applied to 2 MSW programs, that might be about it, I had to choose based on some logistical constraints - but one of them is Rutgers University, which has a well-regarded MSW program.
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  22. Chrissy

    HRT Update

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    I just had my endocrinologist appointment - my testosterone level is at 170 now - yay!!!  Typical male level is 270-1200, female level is up to the 60s or so - so I'm in "No Man's and No Woman's Land" currently - but it's progress!
    I think the nicest part of the appointment was when he said he wished everyone who came to see him was like me - in this case meaning that he has no qualms about what I'm doing and giving me the HRT prescription, so that was nice to hear :-)
    He did say I need to lose some weight - which I knew quite well already, I'm hoping hearing it from him will help motivate.
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  23. Chrissy

    Evolution Journal

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    This started as a journal entry for myself, but I decided that it would be better to put out in the “public” instead. My summer classes ended on July 11, and the fall semester doesn’t start until the end of August – leaving a “void” of about a month and a half (I had hoped to find work to fill in that time, but that didn’t happen). Before it started I had been at times excited about the “void,” and at times terrified – and for the same reason.

    I knew that this would be a good time to do some personal reflection. The past year has been pretty big, as I’ve talked about in other posts – leaving my job, going back to school, and having breast augmentation surgery and GCS. The GCS was probably the biggest, but with being in school and dealing with recovery, there wasn’t much time to reflect.

    Anyway – in an earlier post I mentioned that I considered GCS to be effectively the end of my transition (it isn’t really, but going forward there aren’t a lot of active decisions to make) and the beginning of my “evolution” (as I called it). This turned out to be more meaningful, and far more difficult than I thought at the time. I think the way I described it was that I had transitioned to become a woman (physically) now it was time to see what I wanted to do with my life as a woman.

    There is so much tied up in this that it’s hard to know where to start – obviously the big “mistake” in my life was that I was identified and lived as the wrong gender for my entire life until I was about 48 years old. That fact alone makes it hard to just pick up and live. But in that are also the many, many decisions I made over time that were directly or indirectly linked to my gender dysphoria. There are far too many of those decisions to try to sort through, and I doubt it would be worthwhile if I could. One part of me wonders what my life would be like if I had realized much earlier that I was a woman and been allowed to live that way – but the more reasonable part of me realizes that doesn’t really matter, I can’t achieve that now, I can move back to some point in the past and do it over again.

    A big problem now is the feeling that I can’t, or rather won’t, move forward. It seems strange considering how much I’ve accomplished over the past couple of years, but I don’t believe in my own ability to move forward from here. I’m able to almost dismiss the past couple of years as having simply erased a deficit rather than actually advancing in life. And it’s not that I don’t think I have the ability to do the things that I want to do, it’s that I don’t believe I have the will to do it, which I think comes down to lack of self-care, lack of self-love.

    Which brings me to the main point of this post, “Childhood Emotional Neglect.” In concept I’ve been aware of this for some time, I just recently came across that specific name for it. It’s basically the idea that your parents didn’t give you enough emotional attention as a child and so you don’t develop proper emotional health for yourself.

    I realize this sounds like – and truly is – another “blame the parents” approach. I truly have moved past that point, with help from my former therapist. In one session I talked about how I thought my parents had failed, vs my sister who felt like they did the best they could. My therapist responded with “they might have done the best they could, but you needed more.” Which was a very helpful way of reconciling the past and bringing up to today – they probably did fail me, that isn’t going to change, so I have to fix it now.

    I’ll stop my rambling now J  That’s the point I’m at right now, and I hope to use the rest of my time until school starts to process some more of this. While writing a paper last semester I was doing a review of an article about working with transgender clients which pointed out that “completing” physical transitioning is not the end of the process, which I was very happy to see addressed, it truly isn’t the end, it’s yet another beginning, and often (always?) a pretty scary one.
    xoxo
    Chrissy


  24. Chrissy
    This is a topic I've been thinking about a lot, and have been wanting to write something about - so here goes!!! It's the concept of a transgender "community" - does it exist?  Should it exist? It came up during the support group that I facilitate on Saturdays, so I thought it might be time to look at the issue myself a little more deeply - and see what others think :-)
    In 2 separate contexts I was told by people - who knew I was in the process of transitioning - that they knew trans people who would "disappear" after they transitioned. In one case it was with the LGBT tennis group I belonged to, that person wasn't talking about anyone with the tennis group, just a trans person they knew who basically left their entire social world behind as they transitioned. The other was a trans meetup group, where a member (who is a cross-dresser), commented that members who transition tend to disappear from the group. Well, in both cases I did exactly that. I joined a new tennis group this year, a non-LGBT group. I was going to maintain both memberships, but there isn't enough time to play matches with 2 groups. And I've pretty much stopped going to the meetup group. It should be noted that the person in the meetup group who made that comment also, on another occasion, half-seriously criticized me for dressing "boyish" (I wasn't, I just wasn't dressed up since I had been out doing things all day). Part of the reason for dropping that group, beyond the fact that it's essentially just a bar-hangout group, is that it mainly seems focused on people who really want to get totally dressed up. I'm not criticizing that, but it's not what I particularly want or need right now.
    So aside from this website, I'm not really part of a transgender community - and I feel ok about that? (I also co-facilitate trans support groups, but as a facilitator I don't consider myself to be part of the "community" that might arise from membership). To me it makes sense that gay men and lesbians have their respective communities - beyond the need to support each other socially and politically, they want to date each other (pardon the binary language). While I could certainly see dating a transgender man, it isn't my only option.
    On Saturday, after the group, I made another foray into the non-LGBT social world. I went to a bar where they show NC State football games - I'm happy that I went since I felt nervous about it, but disappointed as there didn't seem to be any other NC State people there :-(  (Worse still, the few people there seemed to be Syracuse people!!! I was not only alone as an NC State fan, I was in "enemy" territory).
    I suppose all of this is really just me trying to reconcile my transgender identity. It's been a source of strength, since living it out has required some level of courage and persistence, but it's also a source of depression - I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish I had just been born a cisgender woman. There have been times that I've tried to pretend that I'm not (if you look through my blog entries there will no doubt be a gap of a few months, that's when it happened), but then I do the support group, and I'm pretty open about it at school and my internship and even socially - so clearly I'm not trying to run away from it anymore. But still, living with it hasn't gotten particularly easy yet.
    So that was a bit of a ramble I suspect - but let me know what you think :-)

    xoxo
    Chrissy
  25. Chrissy
    Good morning everyone! Happy Tuesday!

    This might be something of a "stream of consciousness" entry, but it's been a few days and I feel like I need to post something.

    I just had a long weekend, it's the end of the semester here so I took off Friday and Monday. Over the weekend I did an inventory of my wardrobe to see what exactly I need to buy in order to dress properly on a full-time basis. In hindsight I probably didn't need to do that, I basically need more of everything. I'm quite well set for my casual wardrobe, but not so well set for work. But now I have a list in my phone and plan to start correcting that this week (a lunchtime trip to Century 21 for starters!).

    On Thursday at the Stonewall Girls meetup we met a college student who is doing a paper on transgender issues (she did say exactly what it was, but it was a very academic title and I don't recall now the details). She asked several people if she could do one-on-one interviews, so I did that with her on Saturday. It was rather thorough, and very respectful (the one question she said might be "intrusive" really wasn't at all). The interview was probably as helpful to me as it was to her as she asked about a number of things that gave me something to think about, and I found as I was answering her I remembered things that I hadn't been thinking about recently! So I found it helpful in terms of my own journey.

    There are still moments when I think "Is this real? Or am I really just a guy and this is just a passing thing?" But more and more as I think that, I have other thoughts that counter it. Most recently was Thursday night with the meetup group (I know I wrote about this already, but it looks like that post was lost to the software upgrade). I've gone to the group before, but this was the first time that I was going as me, and not "me dressed as a woman." It felt good, it felt right.

    And then last night, I was doing my internship at a theater and had to go en homme - they have a "uniform" and I can't currently do it en femme. I was rather uncomfortable with it. I usually wear a pair of (fake) red-framed glasses (the uniform is red and black), but last night I didn't want to - I felt like they distracted from other things (my new hair style and the mascara that I was wearing).

    But I also know that this isn't all about how I'm dressing. If it was, then I'd just be cross-dressing. It is true that I prefer (and have always preferred) women's fashion to men's, but the more important thing is that I'm now presenting through wardrobe and accessories how I feel inside. I can also see how to some degree wearing women's clothing is becoming second nature, I don't even notice it at times (except in those moments when I catch a look at myself in the mirror, that sometime still pleasantly surprises me).

    I'm starting with my new therapist tomorrow, I'm very excited about that! I liked my last therapist, but the new person specializes in gender issues. It's also the first time I'll be seeing a female therapist.

    Time to get back to work now!

    xoxo

    Christie :wub:
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