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Chrissy

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Blog Entries posted by Chrissy

  1. Chrissy
    It's been almost a year since I first openly acknowledged to myself, and then my therapist, that I am transgender (it was sometime in February).  That got me to thinking last night about gender dysphoria.
    Early on I had read many accounts of people's experiences with GD, and I was having a hard time relating - most included comments about "knowing from early childhood that I was a girl trapped in a boy's body," etc., and I didn't really have those memories (I also recognized that at 48 years old I don't have a whole lot of any childhood memories).  Then I started seeing other stories - including Janet Mock's - that resonated quite soundly with me!  It was more about experiencing being the "wrong gender" as opposed to consciously knowing it.  So I settled down, and the road has been much smoother since then.
    Anyway, on the point of GD.  The best evidence that I now have that I had it is that I clearly no longer have it - it's in it's absence that it's most noticeable!  On that day last February when I came out, a lifetime of depression and malaise lifted immediately and has not returned (not that i don't have down times, but it's not the same existential crisis that it used to be).
    I get really annoyed/angry when i hear about those who question if GD is real, or how serious it is - I know what my life was before and since, and my GD was very, very serious, even if I didn't recognize it as GD (for a good part of my life I don't know if the concept of GD even existed).
    Just some thoughts on the approach of my anniversary :-)  (well, one of my anniversaries - I just have to figure out what date it was)
    xoxo
    Chrissy
    (BTW, I'm trying out "Chrissy" as a nickname)
  2. Chrissy
    Good morning everyone,
    Before I get to the main point, I have an anecdote from last week (I share this with a couple of people already) - I was going to be hanging out with my friend Mindy on Friday night, so at lunchtime I went to get some wine (to go with the nachos we were planning).  When I was at the store I heard the clerk say to me (I wasn't facing him at that moment, but I was the only customer in the store), "If you need any help maam just ask."
    I woke up ridiculously early today suddenly filled with doubts.  It was bad enough that I wished I could just get up and go to the gym (unfortunately, or fortunately, the gym wasn't going to be open for another hour).
    This may have been triggered by a diary entry I did last night in which I decided I should actually look head-on at the things that I fear about transitioning.  It was a little comforting when i did it (putting things concretely on paper almost always makes them seem more manageable), but I clearly put the ideas in my head, and upon waking they were bad again.  So what do I fear?  Undoubtedly nothing that almost everyone else hasn't thought of, but here is my list:
    *What if I need to find a new job, how easy or hard will it be?
    *Will I be able to find a relationship?
    *Will my friendships really stay as strong as they are with the "new reality" (this one assumes full transition to female, anything short of that won't endanger any of my current friendships)
    *Will I face other forms of discrimination, and even violence?
    *Are there a bunch of things I'm not even thinking of?
    *Can I even afford it?
    *What if it wasn't the right choice?
    Now some counterpoints (the thoughts that kept me moving this morning):
    Job - my current job is pretty secure, and my employer is very good as far as non-discrimination, so hopefully finding a new job isn't a near-term issue
    Relationship - I haven't had a serious relationship in about 15 years, so not being able to find one as a woman wouldn't be any worse, and if I'm finally being true to myself it might be easier
    Friends - yes, my friendships will change, but they'll stay stronger (I can already see a couple of my friendships getting stronger!)
    Discrimination - no real counter to this, it's tragic, but it happens and I'd have to deal with it then
    Things I'm not thinking of - probably, but that's why I keep reading blog and forum entries here, and why I'm going to start going to a local support group
    Cost - I either can or I can't, but I have to do as much as I can
    Right choice - no matter how bad I felt having doubts this morning, I felt even worse when i thought about going back.  I still don't know how far I'll go, but there is work to do.
    Which brings me back to the "maam" anecdote at the beginning.  If I have doubts I just need to remember how good it felt to hear that 
     
    xoxo
    Christie
     
     
     
     
  3. Chrissy
    Tomorrow is New York Pride! It's expected to be one of the biggest ever as a result of the emotional impact of the Orlando shootings - and there will also be an increased NYPD presence as a result of the shootings. I expect that they'll do a moment of silence for Orlando - they do it each year for those lost to HIV/AIDs, and it's always an incredibly moving experience - you're on the streets of NYC with thousands and thousands of people, and there isn't a single sound (otherwise it's almost impossible to be on 5th Ave. or in the Village in total silence, except perhaps during a snowstorm).
    For me, this is my first NY Pride since I started transitioning.  Last year at this time I had "come out," but I hadn't really started transitioning yet (I went for a gender bending look at Pride). So this will also be the first time I'm actually marching and not just watching (I did also volunteer one year). I'm planning to march with Identity House, the peer counseling organization I volunteer with, which is what prompted me to march. In the past I've wanted to, but didn't really have any group that I felt strongly enough about to march with.
    But back to the point about it being the first Pride since my transition started. That has prompted me to look squarely at my own ambivalence about being trans.  I don't mean that I question whether I am or not, any question like that was resolved LONG ago - I mean that at some level, at some times, I try to reject my identity as a transwoman, and "just" be a woman. Sometimes it's an affirmative thing, I'm affirming my gender identity as a woman, other times though it's a negative, it's me trying to not be trans.
    This is kind of a hard thing to acknowledge here in particular - on this website - but I think that makes it more important to do. I went to the Transgender Health Conference in Philadelphia a few weeks ago and realized that I felt very uncomfortable. In my day-to-day life I'm typically the only trans person around, this was a rare situation where I was in roomfuls of trans people, and I wasn't comfortable, which upset me a lot.
    I don't think it's unusual, perhaps others (many others even) here have experienced it - or something similar. There is an underlying wish - that is, I have an underlying wish that I had just been born a cisgender woman - and it can feel horrible to recognize that that will simply never be my reality. There is no amount of transitioning that will ever make me a cisgender woman.
    I am taking a step to work through this tomorrow at Pride - I found a shirt on-line to wear, a pink tank-top that says "Trans Women are Real Women" :-)  I think it's important for me to take ownership of that message - keeping in mind that while I'm wearing it for Pride, I'll also be wearing it as I travel back and forth to the city, which means around an audience that isn't necessarily receptive to the message.
    So I just wanted to - or rather, felt the need to - share that. I'll post some pics on Monday :-)
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  4. Chrissy

    ...but this time...

    By Chrissy,

    This is basically part 2 of my previous entry about work issues.
    I totally agree with everyone who followed-up suggesting holding out until surgeries are done, I can't imagine starting a new job and then telling them I'm going to be out for X weeks, so better to do it now, which also lets me get more experience.
    The problem is that that's an "exit strategy," but it doesn't address how to cope on a daily basis with a job situation that I find basically humiliating.  I don't like the idea of trying to just see it as a job, but that might be the only way.
    The other important piece that I came across recently involves performing  - and doing something that I feel passion about.  As some may know I have done some performing during a friend's drag show (earlier I would say that I was doing drag, but that isn't accurate anymore).  A couple of weeks ago I did this and after I was done thought I had decided that it was time to give it up.  The issue was that while I kind of enjoyed doing it, I didn't feel like I was bringing enough to it to warrant it (I don't sing, I can't dance...what else?).  But then last week I was at her show - not performing just to see it - she had another guest so at one point she says "I'm going to do one more song and then bring up my guest."  I had a strange feeling of excitement.  I knew it wasn't me, I wasn't performing, but I still for a second reacted like I was.  That's when I realized that I do still want to do it - I just have to find my angle.  So yesterday I signed up for a beginner's jazz dance class :-)
    Passion is definitely something that I'm missing, so I'm excited to pursue this possible venue!
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  5. Chrissy

    New job

    By Chrissy,

    Happy Saturday everyone!
    I just finished my second full week with my new position and my mood is so much better than just a few weeks ago (when I wrote about feeling any lack of purpose).
    The new position involves managing the school's website and social media accounts.  I thought what I had been missing was making a meaningful contribution, and that was true, but more specifically what makes this so good is that it calls on me to make independent editorial decisions, rather than just doing clerical work.  Of course I get feedback on what I do, but I enjoy a lot of trust from my supervisor (and her feedback has all been very good and constructive - and reasonable considering I just started).
    So between my transition and my new position at work, things feel so much better!  (The salary increase helps too - ironic that after becoming a woman they started paying me more).
    As a quick side-note, on Monday i'll be finishing off donating my male clothing, which also feels good (and admittedly I had worried a little about how i"d feel doing it).  I found a group in NYC that provides services to people with AIDS, the clothing goes to those with limited resources, so I feel really good about that!
    And one correction - in my last post I misspelled my new middle name, it is "Anne," not "Ann."
    Final bit, I bought the cape below today  (and a couple of fall/winter coats).
    Xoxo
    Christie
     

  6. Chrissy
    Good morning everyone,

    I've many times heard the suggestion about doing a random act of kindness for a stranger and this morning I learned from the recipient end what a wonderful suggestion it really is!

    I was on the PATH train coming in to work (I had amazingly gotten a seat!) and I was reading "True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism." A few minutes in, the woman sitting next to me handed me a note, it read:

    "I saw title of your book. I think your courage to be who you want to be is amazing!!"

    I don't think I need to add anything to the story, needless to say my mood just soared. I thanked her (right then and then again as we were getting off the train), but it felt in sufficient.

    XOXO

    Christie

    (as a side note - I haven't experienced this particular opinion on this website at all, but this seems like an appropriate moment to again challenge the notion of New Yorkers being nasty - we're not, and we are even capable of incredible sweetness, even to strangers!)
  7. Chrissy

    Top Surgery

    By Chrissy,

    On February 8 I have an appointment with a surgeon to discuss top surgery 
    I'd have to wait until August for insurance to cover, but I wanted to start seeing what's involved.  He's in Albany, but that's not too far and he's in-Network for insurance.
     
    Unrelated - today in Jersey City
     

  8. Chrissy
    I just made an appointment for electrolysis - yay!  The part that hurt the most was that she said I'd need to let the hair grow out a little (she said enough so that she can get it with a tweezer).  For me that will take a couple of days, I hate that idea but I guess it's worthwhile for the ultimate gain (or loss).
    Also contacted my doctor for a referral for an endocronologist (not sure how you spell that) - another yay!
    Have done both of those things I'm trying to read my feelings - at first it was pure fear, which raises doubt, but now I realize it's mostly excitement (some fear, but it's about money and whether I can afford all of this)
  9. Chrissy

    "Transition"

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    So I wanted to throw this out for discussion - I've been thinking recently about the term "transition" as it relates to the trans community. For starters, I hope nothing that I say here will suggest that I think everyone needs to use the same terminology, particularly for their own experience and journey - it's our story, it's our terminology!
    But in a broader perspective, I have some concerns about the term "transition."  Transition is defined as "the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another." Put simply, my fear of it's general use, with respect to trans-identified people, is that it perpetuates the narrative of being born X and "transitioning" to Y. In my view, I was NOT a man who transitioned to a woman, I was born a woman with some wrong parts. My "transition" therefore was essentially a medical correction along with a change in my personal presentation.
    And of course that does reflect a transition, so the word works. The problem is that there is an entrenched history of believing that we were born one gender and changed to the other - and I think that the term transition is linked to that narrative. Perhaps it's time to look for a new word, or stop using the word entirely? I think back over my process and wonder if I could have gone without it - in what circumstances did I need the word? For people who knew, I could say that yes, I'm getting some medical support to correct some things, and I'm working towards living my authentic self.
    The "trigger" in this case was discovering that my field placement location uses the initials "CGHT" (cross-gender hormone therapy) for HRT that is being prescribed to trans-identified clients. I'm working on that issue, but I realized the big problem I had with it is that it reaffirms that same narrative with staff who see and use that terminology - I DO NOT take "cross-gender" hormones.
    I am by no means sold on all of this, it's a thought I've been having and wanted to share and see what others in the community think 
    xoxo
    Chrissy 
  10. Chrissy
    Good morning everyone! Happy Tuesday!

    This might be something of a "stream of consciousness" entry, but it's been a few days and I feel like I need to post something.

    I just had a long weekend, it's the end of the semester here so I took off Friday and Monday. Over the weekend I did an inventory of my wardrobe to see what exactly I need to buy in order to dress properly on a full-time basis. In hindsight I probably didn't need to do that, I basically need more of everything. I'm quite well set for my casual wardrobe, but not so well set for work. But now I have a list in my phone and plan to start correcting that this week (a lunchtime trip to Century 21 for starters!).

    On Thursday at the Stonewall Girls meetup we met a college student who is doing a paper on transgender issues (she did say exactly what it was, but it was a very academic title and I don't recall now the details). She asked several people if she could do one-on-one interviews, so I did that with her on Saturday. It was rather thorough, and very respectful (the one question she said might be "intrusive" really wasn't at all). The interview was probably as helpful to me as it was to her as she asked about a number of things that gave me something to think about, and I found as I was answering her I remembered things that I hadn't been thinking about recently! So I found it helpful in terms of my own journey.

    There are still moments when I think "Is this real? Or am I really just a guy and this is just a passing thing?" But more and more as I think that, I have other thoughts that counter it. Most recently was Thursday night with the meetup group (I know I wrote about this already, but it looks like that post was lost to the software upgrade). I've gone to the group before, but this was the first time that I was going as me, and not "me dressed as a woman." It felt good, it felt right.

    And then last night, I was doing my internship at a theater and had to go en homme - they have a "uniform" and I can't currently do it en femme. I was rather uncomfortable with it. I usually wear a pair of (fake) red-framed glasses (the uniform is red and black), but last night I didn't want to - I felt like they distracted from other things (my new hair style and the mascara that I was wearing).

    But I also know that this isn't all about how I'm dressing. If it was, then I'd just be cross-dressing. It is true that I prefer (and have always preferred) women's fashion to men's, but the more important thing is that I'm now presenting through wardrobe and accessories how I feel inside. I can also see how to some degree wearing women's clothing is becoming second nature, I don't even notice it at times (except in those moments when I catch a look at myself in the mirror, that sometime still pleasantly surprises me).

    I'm starting with my new therapist tomorrow, I'm very excited about that! I liked my last therapist, but the new person specializes in gender issues. It's also the first time I'll be seeing a female therapist.

    Time to get back to work now!

    xoxo

    Christie :wub:
  11. Chrissy
    Happy Friday everyone!
    I made several fairly significant steps this week.  In terms of "presentation" there was only one day that I was wearing typically male clothing (and the reason for that has now passed, so it doesn't need to happen again).  In addition to the mascara and lip gloss that I was already doing, I wore nail polish all week (including a very noticeable red on Wednesday).  And I'm getting better at curling my hair to match what the hair stylist did, so my hair style is decidedly more feminine.  I'm actually at the point that when I look in the mirror I even think I look more female!
    I also just spoke with a student about it.  I work with 2 large student groups, and this was one of the lead students for one of them.  Since I know that I'm getting more and more obvious, there's a possibility of students talking, so I wanted him to know what was going on and that it was fine to tell them if it does come up.  I limited the information I told him, but it's enough (I just said I'm trans, still fairly early in my transition, but it's happening and will likely continue...words to that effect).
    But the biggest thing happened yesterday while I was proctoring a 3 hour exam.  That gave me plenty of time to think, so I was thinking about how recently (the last few months) I've noticed that I really am not attracted to gay men, but am seemingly only attracted to straight men.  In terms of my sexual orientation I currently just say that I'm attracted to me, rather than saying that I'm a "gay male" or "straight female."  I went over this so many times trying to figure out what I thought the difference was and why I'd be attracted specifically to straight men.  Anything I thought of as far as characteristics I had to quickly dismiss knowing that anything I thought of could be found in either group (or even women for that matter!)
    Then it hit me, and when it did I felt a little stupid for not realizing it earlier.  The ONE difference between gay and straight men (and my apologies for being so binary, but it's easier for now) is that straight men are attracted to women and gay men are attracted to men (I know, "DUH!!!!").  So, I'm attracted to straight men because they're attracted to women, and I'm a woman.
    The most important take-away from that to me is that it's probably the first time I've spontaneously thought of myself as a woman - out loud at least.  I need to live with the thought for a little, but it seems like a likely tipping point for me.  It certainly explains the attraction issue.  I think it might have happened because, as I mentioned above, I'm actually starting to visually see myself as female, so I'm better able to accept that internally as well.  That's where I think the importance of "passing" comes in at this early stage.  Later on I hopefully won't care as much, but right now to help me work through things I need to be seen - and see myself - as female.
    Well, time to get back to work!
    Hope everyone has a great weekend!

    xoxo
    Christie
  12. Chrissy
    I had a brief email exchange with one of my bosses yesterday, it started off with me distinguishing between "shopping" and "buying" (I won't go into the boring details of how that came up), and I said -

    "If only the people in the mailroom knew what was in the many packages I get delivered here…"

    Her response (she knows about my cross-dressing, but not that I'm TG) -

    "Ha ha. They'd think you were surprising your girlfriend I bet. You really don't tip off the layperson."

    I honestly found that her comment bothered me - I wasn't upset at her at all, it just made me wish that I "really DID" tip off the layperson more. This isn't a big deal at all, she only sees me at work and I know I'll have to further along in my journey before I push the envelope too much at work.

    The point of this is that it did give me the little extra motivation I needed this morning to go to the gym in the new cute pair of shorts that I got recently. Those, along with the t-shirt and running shoes I wore, created a pretty decidedly female look :)
  13. Chrissy
    Hi everyone,
    So last weekend was the memorial service for my uncle who passed away in January - everyone was so spread out they delayed it to find a convenient time for as many people as possible. His passing was of course sad, but he was older and hadn't been in good health (mentally or physically) for quite some time.
    The point of this entry is the fact that this is the first time I've seen many family members since I transitioned. About 10-12 people knew (the most direct of my relatives - my brother and sister and first cousins), but most of the rest didn't, so on top of being a sad occasion I had to basically "come out" at it - it was an interesting balance, obviously it's a funeral so it's not about me, but it's not like my transition is a subtle thing that nobody will notice if I don't mention it! And going as a guy was out of the question (one of my friends asked me after if I thought I would have been more or less comfortable if I had presented as a male for this - I told him I don't really know because I can't even imagine doing that - he liked that answer).
    Anyway, the first issue was that the first group of people I saw were more distant relatives who didn't know about my transitioning, and it occurred to me that i hadn't thought about how to "introduce" myself. I introduced myself with my current name, but several times added "formerly _____" so that they would know who I am.
    I didn't have any negative incidents - there may have been a couple of people who avoided interacting with me, but those who did were all perfectly friendly. One of my cousins (who knew already) commented towards the end about how much happier I seem (and that's at a funeral!)
    So after a lot of stress leading up to it, it ended up being a good experience.
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  14. Chrissy
    Good morning everyone!

    For those of you noticing that I don't have a pic (which hopefully won't be the case by the time most people notice), I tried to change it over the weekend, but for various tech reasons wasn't able to.

    Anyway. The 1 more week in my subject line refers to 1 more week at work in which I'll generally be presenting as male (a male who wears mascara, lip gloss, and JLo jeans on Fridays, but a male). Next week we go into exam period and then summer, so I plan to shift my wardrobe and overall presentation to female as much as possible (money being the limitation).

    I told both of my supervisors, and they said that they would also tell a couple of the students (the leaders of the respective organizations I work with) in case there's any talk among students. It should be fine, and the school's non-discrimination policy is really good (among the protected categories are "gender identity" and "gender expression").

    But still some fear. What is that fear? I considered that yesterday (writing in a journal, that always helps me explore things more deeply).

    (1) Fear of not being accepted, being rejected (a pretty minor concern)
    (2) Fear of becoming a "sideshow" and as a result losing whatever level of respect I currently get (that one sounds bad, I hate to think of being TG as a "sideshow", but it was a thought)
    (3) The big-one - the fear that I won't think I can go back. This is a journey, a journey that can go in any direction, including backwards. But if I get to a point where I think I want to go backwards, how weird will I feel having let so many people know? They might not understand it. Having said that, I know it shouldn't matter, and I'll do my best (if it comes up) to not let it matter. But also I don't see myself going back beyond where I am now. Nobody can totally predict the future, but I'm sure my future involves presenting more female than I do now (whether it goes all the way to full transition, well that's gonna take some time to know).

    The last one got me to thinking about a similar situation, when I came out as gay. Soon after I did that I started thinking that I was actually bisexual, but I remember being too afraid to acknowledge that, to myself or especially to others. For the very reason above, that it would seem like I was going backwards to people (and the fact that I had been married - if I was bi, why not stay married?)

    Those bisexual feelings, however suppressed, have remained until I recently acknowledged being TG. Then the feelings shifted and I realize (strongly suspect?) that I'm not really sexually attracted to women, I want to be one. The frustrating part (regret warning) is thinking that if I had been brave enough to acknowledge it back then, maybe I would have figured out the rest back then as well.

    can't live on regret, can't go back, but it's a little frustrating. Hoping that getting it out here will help me purge it (and in therapy this week)

    xoxo

    Christie
  15. Chrissy

    Insurance update

    By Chrissy,

    I got some relatively good news from my insurance company today (I don't think I've ever written or said that before!).
    They definitely cover GRS - after I pay a $1500 deductible (which is fine, they cover 100% after that).
    Initially I thought they didn't cover breast augmentation as it is listed on the "exclusions" list - but then after the agent said that it should be I found a later reference in the document saying that if, after 12 months of hormones, you don't feel they have grown sufficiently to feel comfortable for your gender, breast augmentation may be covered.  I think since I didn't start HRT until 49 yo it's likely they won't grow that much from hormones alone, so this will probably be covered as well.
  16. Chrissy
    Hello all,
    This past weekend I spent a lot of time out at the National Tennis Center in Queens, NY (where the US Open is played). The LGBT tennis group I belong to was hosting the Atlantic Cup (which is a team competition between our group and groups from Boston, Philadelphia, and Washington, DC).  Although a shoulder injury keeps me from playing right now I went out to help and to stay in contact with the group (I've been a member for about 4 years, there are so many wonderful people there!).
    I experienced 2, and then a 3rd group of people with respect to my "new" identity.  Most of the members of my group already knew about my transition, so those people were just seeing me for the first time as Christie.  Then there were the players from the other cities who never knew me at all, so those people were meeting me as Christie - I especially enjoyed that.  Then there was the group (of 2 people) I hadn't thought about - a couple of members of our group who didn't know.  When one of them arrived he addressed me as [insert birth name here], and I realized that I needed to correct that.  It was fairly simple, I just hadn't thought about it happening (especially as this was on Sunday, so I had already been around there for a day +).
    Everyone in the tennis group has been really great about it - as were all of the people from the other cities (and I know I'm not fully "passable," so many of them must have figured out that I was trans without being told).
    As far as my transition, well I have my endocrinologist appointment later this week, so I'm quite excited about that :-)   I'm holding off on any decision or action about a wig.  I need to let electrolysis move along a little further, and give hormones a chance to start making physical changes.  In the meantime I'll continue working with my natural hair to see what I can do with it.  I will occasionally wear the wig out socially, I just won't "pull the trigger" on wearing it to work just yet.
    I did reach out to one surgeon via email - I explained that it was very early but that I wanted to get some basic information, especially about timing, so that if and when the time comes that I decide I'm ready for surgery I'll have an idea of what to do.  The one I contacted was the only one in NYC listed as doing all FTM surgeries.  Well, it turns out his maximum price for SRS is $60,000.  That, together with the fact that he only does that surgery in Los Angeles, pretty much makes him a non-starter for me. On Thursday I'm planning to ask the endocrinologist if he has an recommendations.
    xoxo
    Christie
  17. Chrissy

    A new week...

    By Chrissy,

    Good morning everyone!
    I spent some time this past weekend thinking about my "next steps."  I've exhausted (I think) most of the subtle steps that I can take, I get the feeling that whatever I do next in terms of transition will be quite noticeable, which prompted me to wonder how ready I am for that.  Wondering how ready I am made me then wonder whether it was fear holding me back a little (answer = yes).
    It helped a little (a lot) that I sat down at one point and wrote out a list of what I see as all of the steps that would happen if I transitioned fully (including hormones and surgery), that helped me see what things I can be doing now (working on my voice leapt to the fore).
    But then the fear.  What am I afraid of?  One possibility is the fear that this isn't really the right thing for me (that's a fear that pops up from time to time).  While that's a legitimate consideration, I also know that I fear the idea of continuing to live my life as a male.  And I know that the only way to address that fear is to continue moving forward.  If it's true that this isn't the right path for me that will eventually come through.
    More likely is that my fear is based on "looking silly."  More specifically that I'll look like a man dressing as a woman.  I've read much about the idea of "passing" and the pros and cons, and I fully understand and in principle agree with the idea that we shouldn't necessarily be going for that (that a "man" should be able to wear whatever they want), but for me, right now, I want people to accept me as a woman and so I consider it important that my appearance not contradict that.  It's probably enough for now if my "look" (hair, face, etc.) is androgynous, that at least wouldn't contradict how I'm dressed.  The problem with achieving that is that when I look in the mirror I just see me, I don't know if I can objectively tell if I look female, male, or androgynous.  I was told by a couple of people at work last week that I definitely look more female than I used to, so that's a good start.
    Fear is the other thing, and that won't really be resolved until I do go out in public dressed clearly female (but without the wig and full make-up that I've done when cross-dressing).  Over the past couple of years I went through a lengthy period when I found that if I kind of wanted to do something but it scared me, I had to do it (e.g., cross-dressing in public, taking an improv class, doing drag, taking a solo show class - which culminated in a 6-minute solo piece in front of an actual audience).  I look at that period now as my way of building up to overcoming this fear - in this case not something that I "kind of want" to do, but something I must do.
    With my wardrobe almost fully in place, and final exams at work ending this week, I'm now committed to dressing full-time as a woman starting next Monday (it will also happen most of this week).
    Thanks for listening  
    xoxo
    Christie
  18. Chrissy

    318

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    I've been a very bad TGGuide citizen, the new job has kept me much busier than the former!
    I had an appointment with my endocrinologist yesterday - my testosterone level is down to 318 now (from mid-400s last time) - so it's getting there!  He increased my estrogen prescription to 3mg/day, and said to go up to 4mg in a couple of months, then I'll see him again shortly after that :-)
    On the less medical side, I had 2 medical professionals (my endocrinologist and therapist) both say to me yesterday that I very definitely seem more comfortable with myself - that's exactly what my therapist said - the endocrinologist was a bit more wordy, he's a doctor, it's hard for them to get to the point :-)  And I very definitely feel that way!
    I've started to explore top surgery, hopefully to happen this summer (I'll have been on HRT for a full year in early August).  It helps a lot that our insurance provider confirmed that they are covering transition expenses now (in compliance with New York law), though they clearly haven't figured out what that means yet. I should get more detail in the next few days.
    xoxo
    Christie
  19. Chrissy
    Good morning wonderful people of TGGuide!
    Today I have an appointment with my endocrinologist to get blood work, etc. done in preparation for HRT.  I haven't gotten the letter from my therapist yet, but it is being prepared, and she had me complete a consent form so that she can send it to the endocrinologist as soon as it's ready.  I also have an August 6 appointment with the endocrinologist, which may be (hopefully!) the day I get the prescription.
    All that is just to lead in to some thoughts about depression and my overall emotional state.  I was looking back over last weekend at some older journals that I had - they go back a couple of years.  I was struck by how consistently I wrote about "feeling nothing" and how my life "felt meaningless," and on occasion how close I seemed to be to just giving it up.
    I no longer have any of those feelings - but what really struck me was the fact that objectively my life hasn't changed, except for this (and I realize that's a big "except," but bear with me).  The point is that in terms of my job, my social life, my home life, etc., everything is largely exactly the same as it was (at work it may be a little worse).  But I no longer have the feeling that my life is meaningless.  I can really only attribute it to the fact that I'm now living authentically.  I noticed very early on (as soon as I openly acknowledged being trans) that my mood lifted, but it's now been months since then and nothing has changed.  Of course there's fear and anxiety about what this means for my future, but frankly that's much better than feeling nothing!
    In moments when the fear and anxiety gets especially strong (which is less frequent than it was even a few weeks ago), and I wonder if I can really do it, the immediate counterthought is that I can't not do it, I know with absolute certainty that I CANNOT go back to where I was.
    In the next few weeks I'm planning to put the "finishing touches" on presenting as a woman.  I feel ready for it, and the timing is particularly good in terms of work.  I work at a school and when I get back from vacation on July 27 (which is when I plan to "unveil" this at work) we start a period of a few weeks before the semester starts (and the summer session will be over), so I'll have a few weeks with things being pretty quiet here to get myself used to it before the throngs return (and believe me, based on where my office is located, I'm right in the midst of the throng, I'm not hidden off to a side).
    xoxo
    Christie
  20. Chrissy

    Book Project

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    I met on Tuesday with a person who is working on a book project about "transformations." Although not gender-specific, she indicated that most of the people she thinks will be featured will be female. One section of the book will be dedicated to trans-identified people, and it looks like I'm going to be one of them 
    Each person featured will have a short blurb, something about their story of transformation, and then a few related pictures. I'll write the initial blurb myself - my slant on it, as of now, is the idea that what started as a transition that I viewed as being to "become a woman" turned into a transition that I viewed as being to "become me." I'm also going to write the general introduction for the transgender section - her goal is to elevate our stories through this book, so that should be a really awesome project to be part of.
    More later 
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  21. Chrissy
    Today I took a somewhat surprisingly big step, at least it was big in the fact that I hadn't anticipated how nervous it would make me.
    I've been dressing entirely female for the past few weeks, with only a couple of necessary exceptions (which won't happen again), but my shoes have been relatively obscure.  I'm wearing women's shoes, but typically either sneakers or boots, shoes that don't necessarily read as female.
    Today I'm wearing a pair of black flats, these very definitely read as female.  It made me a bit nervous, but I survived  
    I was thinking on the way in about the fact that it gets easier each time you go out with something new and realized that it's very true, and very quick being in NYC.  I live in Jersey City and work in lower Manhattan, so from the time I leave home until I get in to work, I literally see and am seen by 100s of people.  That's quite a change from when I used to live in North Carolina (so many years ago), where I might see nobody until I got in to work (except in passing cars).
    On an unrelated note, I went to the Taco Bell near me last night on the way home and the boy (yes boy, he couldn't be more than 20 years old) complimented my nail polish.  That was quite nice - it came across very naturally, which I really liked!
  22. Chrissy

    My journey...update

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,

    Happy Friday!!!

    Some follow-up from last week, there was one friend I hadn't heard from after I emailed him last week, I wasn't too worried, but I admit I was a little worried (he doesn't live nearby, so i don't get to see him in person as much). Anyway, I texted him yesterday to see if he had gotten the email, he hadn't (some problem accessing his Yahoo email). He now has seen it and was as supportive and I expected (before getting pointlessly worried because of not getting a response).

    I told my sister last Thursday night. It went as I would have predicted if I had thought about it. She wasn't supportive - not openly hostile, but she was denying and rejecting and thoughtless and insensitive. She might come around, the problem is that the "thoughtless and insensitive" part is pretty recurring. That's why I knew I had to tell all of my friends first.

    Now I'm trying to think about my next steps. I think I'm at or near a tipping point where almost anything I do is going to be very obvious, essentially a public "coming out." The things I've done so far have feminized my look, but not to the point where most people would start wondering what's going on. Fortunately it's a good time of the year at work, we're about to go into exam period and then summer break, so it will mostly be staff around for the next few months. That gives me a chance to take more steps with a more limited audience and get used to it before a lot of students are around.

    I think my next big step is going to be to work on my female voice. I've done it in the past, but not consistently enough that I've felt comfortable using it in front of anyone. Since I decided to start going back to the Thursday night TG/CD group I want to be ready by then to try it publicly, even if it's not flawless (which seems reasonable).

    And I want to thank everyone here again for all your wonderful comments and support! This site has been vital to me in this journey!

    xoxo

    Christie
  23. Chrissy
    I arrived in Philadelphia today - the conference starts early tomorrow so I decided to get down here a day early. I got a hotel at a decent rate and it's about 1/2 block from the Convention Center!
    Anyway - last year I did the free version of the conference, this year I paid for the professional track (for a student it was $85). The tough part is deciding what to go to!  Initially I went through the schedule and just put everything I was interested in on my calendar. Then earlier this week I went through to pick which ones to actually attend - that was the hard part! I gave 1st priority to Behavioral Health panels, since that is the professional track I'm on. Then I leaned towards panels covering topics around F2M and gender non-confirming individuals, since I have decidedly less experience there. Of course this is a mixed things for me - personal and professional, so I don't want to forget the personal side :-)
    I'm volunteering in the morning - helping with set up, so it will be a long day, but worthwhile!  I'll post more tomorrow after Day 1.
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  24. Chrissy

    long time...

    By Chrissy,

    It's been awhile since I've written anything here - that was partly (largely) because of school and recovery. My recovery from GRS is going well, I've now been cleared for everything (including tennis and sex!), and I'm down to dilating twice a day (until the end of June). There was some granulated tissue, but that's been taken care of. And I've now had the delightful female experience of having my feet up in the stirrups for a medical exam! It doesn't make you feel at all vulnerable (sarcasm). I'm glad that my surgeon's staff is entirely female, I suspect that part of the process would have been a little more uncomfortable if her PA who was checking me was male.
    I recently finished co-facilitating an 8-week support group for transgender people, this one was focused on those who had recently come out and/or were in the early stages of transitioning. The most interesting part for me personally was that going in I saw myself as in a very different place than the group members (since I've pretty much come out everywhere, and my physical transitioning is largely done), but there was definitely a common thread that made me very much part of the group (since it's a peer-run support group it was fine that I was sharing as well, thought I always made sure it was after anyone else had shared, I never took a priority position for myself). Specifically, the sense of alienation and rejection that people felt because of their gender identity, that's still definitely a very big part of my life - especially now that surgeries are done and I'm thinking more about the prospects of dating :-(
  25. Chrissy

    Dressing for success!!!!

    By Chrissy,

    Much has been said on this website about dressing - obviously! - here was my experience this morning. I'm at my field placement today, which is a social work internship, so it requires a good balance of looking professional, without going too far and creating the appearance of a power imbalance. Add to that mix that I had a dental appointment in the morning before I came here. Usually that wouldn't impact anything, but I go to the NYU Faculty Dental Practice, and the student I go to is really, really cute. So, add to the equation trying to look as cute as possible for the dental student :-)
    Last time I saw him he mentioned a girlfriend (which was admittedly a little painful to hear), but that was back in June, so who knows!  More important though is that I decided it doesn't matter if I actually have a chance with him, I want to learn to act, and dress like I do (not just for him, but generally). So I think I found a good balance :-)  (had it been a non-internship day I would have worn one of the tank tops that I have that I think are very flattering)
    Of course then I get to the appointment and the first thing that happens when you're in the chair is that they put that protective bib on you - why even have cleavage to show!?!? Then they have these goggles for you to wear to protect from the spray while they're doing the cleaning - so at this point there's no way I look at all cute :-(
    But the takeaway remains! I want to date, I would like a relationship, so I have to take that into account now and then and dress accordingly :-)
    xoxo
    Chrissy
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