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Chrissy

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  1. Chrissy

    "Transition"

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    So I wanted to throw this out for discussion - I've been thinking recently about the term "transition" as it relates to the trans community. For starters, I hope nothing that I say here will suggest that I think everyone needs to use the same terminology, particularly for their own experience and journey - it's our story, it's our terminology!
    But in a broader perspective, I have some concerns about the term "transition."  Transition is defined as "the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another." Put simply, my fear of it's general use, with respect to trans-identified people, is that it perpetuates the narrative of being born X and "transitioning" to Y. In my view, I was NOT a man who transitioned to a woman, I was born a woman with some wrong parts. My "transition" therefore was essentially a medical correction along with a change in my personal presentation.
    And of course that does reflect a transition, so the word works. The problem is that there is an entrenched history of believing that we were born one gender and changed to the other - and I think that the term transition is linked to that narrative. Perhaps it's time to look for a new word, or stop using the word entirely? I think back over my process and wonder if I could have gone without it - in what circumstances did I need the word? For people who knew, I could say that yes, I'm getting some medical support to correct some things, and I'm working towards living my authentic self.
    The "trigger" in this case was discovering that my field placement location uses the initials "CGHT" (cross-gender hormone therapy) for HRT that is being prescribed to trans-identified clients. I'm working on that issue, but I realized the big problem I had with it is that it reaffirms that same narrative with staff who see and use that terminology - I DO NOT take "cross-gender" hormones.
    I am by no means sold on all of this, it's a thought I've been having and wanted to share and see what others in the community think 
    xoxo
    Chrissy 
  2. Chrissy
    I got through day 1 of presenting fully as a woman at work yesterday, and carried it into today (in addition to the wig I'm also wearing a skirt today).  Now that I've crossed that threshold I don't intend to go back, so I now see yesterday as the official beginning of my "real life" experience (my "tranniversary" if you will).
    Today added a delightful complication, it was pouring rain and windy out.  My route to work includes walking to Journal Square (in Jersey City) and taking the PATH to World Trade Center, and then walking to work.  Journal Square was the real challenge, it's like a bunch of wind tunnels all coming together in one place, so the wind (and rain) comes from all directions at the sam time.  Happy to report that my wig stayed perfectly in place :-)   I can still work on securing it better, but I seem to have it down sufficiently now.  Also happy that I decided to commute in tennis shoes (I brought heels with me).  Walking in that weather in heels would have been quite the challenge (and I don't think most women do that, I think wearing other shoes for commuting is pretty common).
    The surprise yesterday was that at around lunchtime there were a large number of students in the cafeteria (my office is beyond the cafeteria, so I have to go through it to get anywhere).  School doesn't start until next week (for 1st year students, the following week for the rest), but apparently there was some pre-first week intensive program going on.  So I had an immersion experience.  I just kept reminding myself to "do what I need to do" - to not alter what I'm doing to avoid being seen, just go about my regular work day.
    The unpleasant surprise was the ongoing attention that a person who works at a parking garage along my commute is paying me.  As I become more female he seems more interested - I've been clear enough in my lack of interest, but he keeps approaching (mind you I don't walk right by the garage anymore, he's going out of his way).  If it happens again I might need to contact his bosses and let them know what's going on (if he's doing it to me he might be doing it to others).  Coincidentally a co-worker asked me yesterday if I might be interested in a self-defense course - she's involved with an anti-violence group that organizes classes).  I'll probably take her up on that (not that the parking garage guy seems very threatening, but he's seeming increasingly off-balance, which can be dangerous).
    xoxo
    Christie
  3. Chrissy
    I didn't think this would become a weekly thing, going in I assumed I would get tired of the show pretty quickly (being on E and all), but no, I'm not.  The show really is getting better and better each week, and my respect for Caitlyn grows with it (she is exec producer, so nothing happening on the show is happening without her).
    This week they spent more time with the less fortunate trans people in San Francisco, and Caitlyn seemed sincerely moved and in fact did a couple of really great things for one of them!  This episode was shot about 5 weeks before her ESPY presentation, so I could see where her sentiments in that came from.
    On the personal side - first the less important part - I was tweeting during the show and watching what others were tweeting - I did 3 original tweets myself, and got re-tweeted on all of them my Jenny Boylan, so I was pretty happy about that :-)   I also got 2 of them favorited by Michelle Visage (RuPaul's co-host on Drag Race), also pretty exciting.
    On the more substantial side - I had already decided that this was the week that I was going to wear my wig to work, and then skirts (tomorrow for the skirt).  The show was so inspiring that it really put me over the top in terms of doing it.  I came to see what I was doing as more than just a part of my personal journey (though obviously that's important too!) but also as a measure of activism.  There are still so many trans people who simply can't live out their lives the way they want, so I think it's important for anyone who can to do so (to the extent they're comfortable with it of course), so that we can gradually change the overall society and give others more room to live their lives.  That's what Caitlyn is doing in a very public way, and it's something I can do in a less public way, but it's still a contribution.  Visibility = Power (as the Lesbian/Gay movement has shown).
    They also had an interesting conversation about voices.  Candice Cayne apparently just has a fairly natural feminine voice, and Chandi Moore just talks the way she talks and won't change that.  Jenny Boylan made the comment "This is as far as we'll go, everyone else just has to meet us there."  I really liked that comment.  And Caitlyn, who had been worried about her voice, eventually said that it's not so important how she sounds but what she says.
    Anyway - time to work now  :-)
    xoxo
    Christie
     
    Here's a picture from work today...

  4. Chrissy
    Episode 2 was on last night, and since I wrote last week after watching the first episode (which I was generally happy with) I thought I'd continue.
    This week was quite interesting because she got together with a number of transwoman (sad that there were no transmen), all of whom had far more obstacles in the way of their transition than Caitlyn did.  While I liked that fact, I was still disappointed in the overall lack of diversity in the group.  In addition to the fact that there were no transmen, all of these women, while they had difficulties (to say the least) in transitioning, all have now successfully transitioned, and all of them appear very female ("passing" if you will).  I don't think there was one of them who, if I saw them on the street, I would think was a transwoman.
    I thought about that compared to the group I went to at the Lesbian/Gay Center here in the New York, which had far greater diversity (disclaimer - that group is also all transwomen, but only because transmen and transwomen have their own separate meetings).  The main diversity in this group is the extent to which people have transitioned.  In some cases (like me), it's a matter of time, in other cases people have gone as far as they want, or as far as they can, and in most cases would be "read" fairly easily on the street.  I don't say that in any way critically of anyone!  But obviously the experiences of the people in this group are far more diverse, particulary in the present context.
    It does look hopeful for next week though, when I think she is meeting with a transgender group in San Francisco who are less fortunate (and I think includes at least one transman).
    More troubling were her comments about social welfare.  It can be easy to forget that she is Republican, and obviously holds some of the pro-wealthy positions of the Republican Party.  Talking about not wanting people to start becoming dependent on the government!  That's on the oldest and most sickening lies of the Republican Party (think about Ronald Reagan's "welfar queen" crap).
  5. Chrissy

    "Ghost Whisperer"

    By Chrissy,

    A month or so ago (hard to keep track of the passage of time these days) I found myself becoming addicted to "Ghost Whisperer."  I had seen bits of the show in passing in the past but it never caught my attention until now.  For those who don't know, it was a show from - well, sometime - with Jennifer Love Hewitt in which she could see ghosts of people who hadn't been able to "cross over."  She helps them resolve whatever it is that is keeping them "Earth-bound."  And regardless how neat and sappy the episode is, it never fails to get me to cry at the ending as the ghost "sees the light."
    I've never been a particular believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason, but I'm a strong believer in the ongoing work of the subconscious.  I believe that it's always vigilant and ready to tell you "you need this, you're ready for this."  I believe that's why my sudden addiction to this show.
    My parents passed away about 10 years ago, within about 3 months of each other, and both too young (my mother was 67, my father had just turned 69).  My life, which had been unraveling in slow and not-so-slow motion up until then, went into a full-on tail spin not long after that.  I don't want to go into those details, and I know there are many, many people who have had far worse experiences, but I'll suffice it to say here that my experiences were not run-of-the-mill problems.  I also spent a lot of that time blaming my parents, and not necessarily without cause.
    They made a decision when we were born (I have an older brother and sister) that they didn't want to do what their parents did, which was to push them towards or away from particular careers, basically pushing them in the direction they thought they should go.  But in doing so, my parents (I believe) went way too far in the other direction, failing to provide any sense of direction or encouragement to us.  As a result I failed to develop follow-through and beyond that a belief in myself and that I could accomplish things.
    Anyway, last night while I was doing my volunteer gig at a comedy theater there was a show going on that wasn't catching my interest, so I found myself going into my own head.  Perhaps a comedian had made a parent reference, but something got me to thinking about them.  And I realized (and this is where "Ghost Whisperer" comes into play) that I needed to forgive them, because until I did I wasn't going to be able to move on, at least as effectively as I can.
    And so I did.  Right, wrong, or otherwise I blamed them, and by doing that I was keeping myself focused on what they did wrong and the impact it had on me, rather than taking charge of my own life.  I think I got into "Ghost Whisperer" because my subconscious saw the show's structure and realized that I needed that, and I was ready for it.  It also might have some up because I was wearing my mother's high school ring.  And especially right now I need that, because I've started a journey here that requires (REQUIRES) me to believe in myself.  I find that when I feel any sense of "doubt" lately it's really fear, it's the fear that I will never be "passable," that people will always see a "man."
    So there you have it.  My review of "Ghost Whisperer" 
    xoxo
    Christie
    (P.S., for further evidence of my belief that it was time, "Christie" was my birth middle name, and it was my mother's maiden name)
     
     
     
     
  6. Chrissy

    ...but this time...

    By Chrissy,

    This is basically part 2 of my previous entry about work issues.
    I totally agree with everyone who followed-up suggesting holding out until surgeries are done, I can't imagine starting a new job and then telling them I'm going to be out for X weeks, so better to do it now, which also lets me get more experience.
    The problem is that that's an "exit strategy," but it doesn't address how to cope on a daily basis with a job situation that I find basically humiliating.  I don't like the idea of trying to just see it as a job, but that might be the only way.
    The other important piece that I came across recently involves performing  - and doing something that I feel passion about.  As some may know I have done some performing during a friend's drag show (earlier I would say that I was doing drag, but that isn't accurate anymore).  A couple of weeks ago I did this and after I was done thought I had decided that it was time to give it up.  The issue was that while I kind of enjoyed doing it, I didn't feel like I was bringing enough to it to warrant it (I don't sing, I can't dance...what else?).  But then last week I was at her show - not performing just to see it - she had another guest so at one point she says "I'm going to do one more song and then bring up my guest."  I had a strange feeling of excitement.  I knew it wasn't me, I wasn't performing, but I still for a second reacted like I was.  That's when I realized that I do still want to do it - I just have to find my angle.  So yesterday I signed up for a beginner's jazz dance class :-)
    Passion is definitely something that I'm missing, so I'm excited to pursue this possible venue!
    xoxo
    Chrissy
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