Kourtneyb

I have always had abandonment issues. I guess I always knew that things will eventually get to this point in my life where not only everyone I love and hold dear no longer have the inclination or strength to stand by me but I, myself have to abandon my own life which has been built on a lie. It this point I feel helpless against the current pulling me towards my transition. I tried to stem the tide and pretend it is not so but, I lost the battle and like before have no otherway but forward. People say I am selfish but, from where I stand the selfish thing to do is suiside which again seems quite attractive as apposed to faking another 30 years of my life. No I will move forward and live my life by embracing myself and the people who have the courage, like me, to live life against the ods.

I am seing a psychiatrist at the end of the month.

It's been five months now since I restarted my regime of herbal hormones. I have had ups and downs but in general it's been a pleasant experience. I started seing a difference in my breasts almost from day one but didn't expect much else from the herbs. The research I have done indicated slower progress and diminished results opposed to that of conventional medicine. Be that as it may my emotional state has changed. I feel more at home in my body. The anger and frustration has subsided and calm and serenity has taken it's place. I still get stressed and since I came out to my family and friends I tend to grind my teath but I use to do it before the hormones and attribute it to my general stress levels. I am more aware of it now and can intervene to stop the stress cycle. I also noticed recently that my sense of smell has improved dramatically. My breasts are sensitive and I get growth pains often for days on end lately. My sex drive has diminished considerably and although I am still able to forfill my duties as a husband I don't feel like doing all sorts of crazy things to satisfy my urges anymore like in the past. I feel in control for the first time.

It's been a rough two weeks. My mother is still not talking to me, my father seems again torn between the love for his family and the love for his wife. I attended the Pretoria pride as first drag princess and I attended the weekly support meetings. I am learning alot of new things about myself and transgenderism in general with all the exposure I am getting. I have met so many people with the same affliction as me and cried more tiers in this short time than combined through out my old life. The hormones are really helping my dysphoria and for the first time in my life I feel at piece with myself. I feel a little selfish yes and I am sorry that everyone around me has to live this with me, but somehow I believe this will make me a better person.

It has been a rough week. I told my friends and parents I am transgender. My wife has by far had the most emotion about it and we spent a number of hours crying together in the last two weeks. My father also had his whole array of emotions infront of us as I spilled the beans on how I have been hiding this burden in my life from them for 30 years. He has subsequently accepted it and offered his support and even made an appointment for me at the psychiatrist. My mother gave me her cold medical shoulder and said it's my thyroid gland that is defective and I need medication. A few days later she warned my wife not to sleep with me anymore as I am now gay and an AIDS risk. My sister and I had a heart to heart and she later told my dad that she feels sorry for me for having to have hidden it from everyone for so long. I feel lonely and abandoned at the moment since my sturn male persona crumbled in a matter of weeks after serving me so well for what feels like a lifetime. I am going to miss him too you know, but he broke and I can't stand the thought of even trying to fix him. I am out now and I am never going back. People will just have to get use to me the way I am now.

I had to rush to get dressed and made up in time for the meeting. My wife was kind enough to help out here and there and soon I was in the car on my way to the meeting. I got there just in time. One of the girls were quite rude as I greated her. I can never understand why people feel the need to be mean to newbies. I ignored her obvious attempt at establishing her superiority and joined the rest of the group inside. My overdressed outfit made an impression, and I felt comfortable. We spoke about comming out to family members and lovers. The group was diverse with gay men, lesbian lovers and a female to male transgender to full in all the combinations. The main problem in relationships are the expectations that change once a transgendered person comes out. Parents will grieve and lovers will need to come to grips with facing the reality of loveing that person in another gender. In the end love will conquer all. Personally I feel like my home has turned into a war zone. My wife is having a difficult time understanding and with my emotions all over the place thanks to the hormones we fight almost daily. I showed her the definition of gender dysphoria and that seemed to have cleared things up a bit, but I fear we are still drifting apart as I nolonger look, feel and smell like the man she once felt attracted to. I can only hope that things will work out as I can't go back to living as a male. My ability to pretend has forever been broken. Even as I think of going back to my old life I see a thick black hole of dred and depression so I have no choice but to move forward.

Thank you girls.

Frienship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together. ~Woodrow T. Wilson As a transgender girl the need for friends in simular situations grows. The need to identify the right people early on should not be underestimated. People are an integral paet of our world and a great resource for support and guidance. A long standing online friend of mine pointed me in the direction of a girl who run a local support group in my area. This is something that I have felt a growing need for since I started hormones. I contacted her and she agreed to add me to the group and envited me to the next meeting. Another girl approached me from the group and we started chatting. We decided to meet before hand to get to know each other. As circumstance determined we had to meet in boy mode. It's probably my least favourite thing to meet other girls in boymode but I went through with it and we had a long emotional eavening together. My wife dropped in for a bit to meet het too and we both agreed that we liked her. I hope I made a better friend than my last attempt who turned out to be a druggy and blackmailer. Tonight I meet the rest of the girls.

Hi Eve, I am from South Africa.

Thursday night at the club isn't a drag night and up to date I met alot of Queen in regular cloths. The real party is on Friday night. The vibe was subdued and the tension got to me in the first song which I butchered badly. Everyone was drunk but I could see that I was getting noware fast so I took a gamble and sang a daring coice. I aced it and all my hard work fell together in the moment and for that small instant everyone could see me. I was flowing high above the stage wile everyone gasped at how I got the high notes. After that a man at the bar baught me a drink and I relaxed a bit more. I had loads of fun. Love Bianca

My name is Bianca. I am a transexual female. I am married and have three kids. I have been dressing up since I can remember. At first it was a sexual rush when I dressed up as a girl and sometimes I still get a bit excited when I put on a new sexy undergarment but the sexual aspect has mostly passed now that I accepted myself and embraced my femininity. I told my wife about my dressing the first day she came into the house, but we still fought about it over the pas eight years sometimes bitterly. She recently decided to support me so I decided to persue my dream of being a Drag Queen. This is the story of KourtneyB. Love Bianca