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Tilly

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Blog Entries posted by Tilly

  1. Tilly

    Updates

    By Tilly,

    So, my life is advancing in a predictable manner.  I'm in my third month of HRT, and absolutely loving that part of my life.  
    My divorce is also moving forward, but with a magistrate that is spouting anti-trans bull crap from the bench as well as including some of the same in his orders.  He listed in the temporary orders how I am to dress and act when around my daughter.  My lawyer agrees with me that these topics should be between myself, my daughter, and her therapist (although she is not exactly working in the direction of my daughter being comfortable with me being the true me).
    Now for the bright side.  In my research into GCS.I have found that surgery is not on the list of services that are not covered, therefore it is covered.
    Also, I have found a new church home.  It is a congregation that is very accepting.
    Thanks again for reading my ramblings,
    Tilly
  2. Tilly

    Moving forward,,,again

    By Tilly,

    It's been a while since I wrote here, so I thought I would fill in some of what's going on...I am doing well with myself.  My folks are coming to grips with me being me, and my sister is still my biggest cheerleader.
    Now for the moving forward bit.  I had my annual physical this past Friday, and my doctor is sending me to an endocrinologist for the purpose of starting HRT.  I am also still thinking about surgery, and now leaning in favor of surgery.
    Thanks for reading my randomness. 
    Tilly
  3. Tilly
    So, I have been paying attention to how my wife acts, she doesn't even want to look at me.  She will not kiss me at all, and only reluctantly allowing me ko kiss her forehead or cheek.  As much as I love her and want her to love me for who I am, I am really wondering if there is anything left there to save.  Even before I came to the realization of why I was so uncomfortable in my skin we had only had sex a couple of times per year over the past five or so years.
    When I tried to snuggle into her, she tells me that she feels smothered, even before so of this came out.  I would like to try to make this work out, partly because of our 7 year old daughter, but it is starting to feel more like a roommate arrangement then a marriage.  
    Still here, and less confused,
    Tilly
  4. Tilly

    Ambushed by Pastor

    By Tilly,

    OK, probably not a unique experience here, but, on Sunday I was at the apartment I still pay rent for to discuss some things with my wife, when as I am about to leave, our pastor shows up...I know she is doing it out of love, but it felt like an intervention.  As a result of this, I had no choice but to withdraw myself from everything with my congregation as of yesterday...it's sad, but i felt it necessary. 
    Tilly
  5. Tilly
    It is official, my wife and I are now separated.  I can now be Tilly all the time except at work...I think I am going to hold off on that change until the hair can match who I am...it is at least growing fast.
    My folks are coming to town next weekend, they know that the wife and I are separated, but I will talk to them about why then.
    With all my love,
    Tilly
  6. Tilly
    My wife asked me flatly if I am going to transition fully this evening.  I'm not sure if she meant surgically or not, but I had to say probably.  I hate making her cry, but I couldn't outright lie to her.  The time that I spend as Tilly is the happiest and most relaxed time that I can remember recently.  But I don't know if I can handle breaking my wife's heart.  I know that if I don't do this I am lying to myself, and it will hurt me worse in the long run.
    Yours in emotional pain,
    Tilly.
  7. Tilly

    Moving forward

    By Tilly,

    Well, I ordered Pueraria Mirifica, if it works as it is supposed to, I will start to develop a bit upstairs, along with some other benefits.  When my wife notices, I have a feeling she will just leave...or kick me out.  I think I am beyond caring because I am as calm about this as I have been about anything in quite a while.
    I love you all,
    Tilly
  8. Tilly

    A weird fantasy

    By Tilly,

    OK, I had a really weird thought cross my mind today.  I said before that I was surprised when I realalized that I was crushing on my best friend, now that is gone to a new level.  While I was snuggling into him, I had a daydream pass my brain that scared me at first, then made me smile and snuggle a little closer.  I thought about taking him as a girl would.  For a second I thought I was going crazy, but then i thought, 'hey, he's a nice guy, why wouldn't I.'
    Again, just my odd thoughts,
    Tilly
  9. Tilly

    The ultimatum

    By Tilly,

    Well my wife actually delivered an ultimatum, if I transition, she will divorce me.  Part of me wants to just get it over with, but I totally don't want to hurt my daughter.  I don't know if spending time with friends every so often as my true self will be enough.  She knows that I cross dress when i am with them and showed serious displeasure when I try told her.
    I wish I could have gotten an initial appointment with a therapist before April 3.  I really need professional help.
    Thanks,
    Tilly
  10. Tilly

    First time sleeping alone.

    By Tilly,

    Tonight is the first time my wife stormed out of the bedroom when I came to bed...I'm laying here crying wondering if this is the sign that it's over...If it's best for her then so be it, I have already know that I am not wearing women's clothes just for the sake of it, nor do I want to hurt anyone just because of this.  There is just no way that I could purge just to make her happy, but it's ripping me apart knowing that I am upsetting her.  She will not even talk to me right now.
  11. Tilly

    A difficult conversation

    By Tilly,

    Well, I came out to my wife tonight.  The best I can say about her initial reaction is that we are still sleeping in the same bed.  She has expressed more anger over me lying to her then wanting to wear women's clothing.  I tried to explain to her that I didn't keep it from her for any more then a week, because that is when I finally realized what my history and current feelings were.  I was so terrified that I was going to have to find somewhere else to sleep, at least for a while (who knows, I still might) that I had a bag packed with a couple of days worth of work clothes.  She asked if I had been wearing her clothes, I could honestly say that I had not (though she has a few things in her closet that I wouldn't mind borrowing),
    After her initial reaction, I left her in the bedroom and curled up in the recliner in our living room with a throw blanket and cried.  I called a friend of mine that I have talked about earlier and he was able to get me calmed down, we talked for like two and a half hours (I am right now thanking God that I have wonderful friends, even if they came into my life recently).
    While on the phone with my friend I realized that one of these days I might forget to take my bra off getting ready for work and crying started again when I realized that they might see it.  I don't know if this is a justified fear or if I should talk to my supervisor in private, or even if I should make it a non issue and just start wearing a bra to work.
    I know that I am not as far along as a lot of you girls around here, but thanks for comments, concerns, and a few answers.
     
    As always, all my love,
    Tilly
  12. Tilly

    Just some more thoughts.

    By Tilly,

    When my wife caught me wearing a bra, she asked me if I was going to transition.  Before that moment, I had not even considered the idea of wearing women's clothing as anything other than a dirty little secret.  At the time, I stated vehemently, "No, I had no intention of becoming a woman,"  however, her question started my mind stirring.  I have been in turmoil for the week and a half since, but I am starting to come to terms with my gender fluidity.  The more I think about it, the more I start to realize that when I was younger (8-12 years old) I would "borrow" my sister's bathing suit, bra, and panties at different times when I was home alone and could get away with it.  I now realize that I did that without getting aroused, and that was the whole point when I did it the first couple of times.  Later on, I would even wear one of the bras to school under a t shirt and a sweatshirt and was not only comfortable, I was more relaxed.  In the early '90s, that would have been considered very taboo.
    I bought (online) and started wearing a sports bra again under a sweatshirt at home fairly recently because of the memories I had of feeling secure.  Again, I felt like I was getting a hug from an old friend, and have been wearing it full time except for at work (I cannot wear long sleeves on the sweatshirt around the equipment I work with due to safety concerns) and might eventually even at work if I decide to start living full time in a more feminine form, however that frightens me beyond belief because of what coworkers might think or how they would react.
    I posted before about hanging out with friends dressed, and though I know it isn't in public, the walk from the car to the front door was an ancient time until I realized that no one would think twice about a girl in an ankle length denim skirt wearing a hooded sweatshirt in 30 degree weather.  These few hours with this crowd has been the some of most enjoyable time I have spent in recent memory, even though it was just hanging out and watching anime.
    If anyone would have told me two weeks ago that I was going to identify as part of the LGTBQ community, I would have said they were nuts.  But as of now, I am becoming more and more comforted that there is that community and that you are here helping me along on my new life path.
    I thank you for all your support,
    Tilly
  13. Tilly

    A small intro.

    By Tilly,

    Ok, this is probably not the normal way to use a blog, but I figured putting my thoughts and feelings somewhere could help me sort out where I am.  Most of the posts by me in here will likely be rather short.  If there is anyone out there that wants to read and it helps them, all the better.
    Ok, to get started, I am Tilly.  I am new to all of this and aml struggling with a lot of things.  My wife reacted somewhat poorly when she caught me 'under dressing,' but womans' undergarments have been a comfort of mine fo some time.  I'm thrilled to have found this forum of wonderful and supportive people, you have already helped me start dealing with my emotional train wreck, (and I am not even on HRT).  
    I also have a group of friends that are very laid back that I shared my vulnerability with, and they are absolutely wonderful.  I was able to dress away from privacy for the first time and it was absolutely wonderful.  They even started being chivalrous right off the bat, when I mentioned that I was chilly, one of them wrapped me in his jacket.  I was surprised by the gesture at the time being my first time out as my feminine self.
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