Trigger Warning...
It is not easy to write about myself and my journey. I have always struggled with sharing who I am out of fear. A fear that is grounded in my actual experiences of rejection and violence. While this is not easy, I hope that by sharing my journey it will be both therapeutic for me and inspirational to others.
This is where I am starting from, it is my level zero:
Age:
I am 43, almost 44 years old. I struggle with my age a great deal. I regret that I did not embrace myself sooner in life and I fear that my age will both hinder my transition and shorten the amount of time I live authentically as myself.
Height and Weight:
I am 5' 8" tall and currently weight 321 pounds. One of the ways I have dealt with my gender dysphoria and other emotional issues is through binge eating. It has also been a slow and painful method of suicide. I have come to realize that I will never be able to transition and live a longer life if I don't get the weight off. When I started my weight loss journey in July of this year I weighted 366 pounds. I have lost 45 pounds in four months. Due to my weight I also suffer from diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. My weight loss is complicated by the fact that my lower back is completely unstable. Every morning when I wake up I have to pop my back in just to be able to walk. If I do too much exercise the muscles in my lower back get fatigued and my lower back pops out and I can not walk. Recovery has taken up to six months before I am able to physically exert myself again. I need surgery to fix my back, but they will not touch me until I am well under 200 pounds.
Hair:
Because I inject myself with insulin, I suffer from very bad dandruff. I use three different dandruff products every week and must shave my head to prevent any build up. This along with the way I am losing my hair causes me a great deal of distress. My wife and I just ordered my first wig which should be here some time this week. I am both excited and nervous. I did not want to spend more than $50 on my first wig because I am sure I will probably be hard on it until I learn the necessary skills to take care of a wig in the long term.
Family:
I have distanced myself from family for a long time. At present I don't talk to any family members outside of my immediate family. I am married and have two boys aged 20 and 18. My wife and children accept me for the most part. My boys love and support me but are embarrassed at the same time. My wife supports me now but part of the reason it has taken me so long to finally embrace myself is because she would not have supported me in the past. I don't want to be alone and I have been alone a long time.
Social / Friends:
I don't have any friends. Like family, I have avoided forming any relationships because I feared anyone getting too close and finding out who I really am. I have done this ever since I was in grade school. It has resulted in a very lonely existence.
Work:
I am currently going to school to be an account clerk. I have struggled with work my whole life. As soon as I work some place long enough to move past the initial social distance that most people experience I freak out and move on. This has resulted in my family being poor and me not having the financial resources to transition.
Mental Health:
I suffer from depression, social anxiety, and gender dysphoria. I have learned that people who have never experienced a mental illness cannot really wrap their minds around what someone with a mental illness goes through.
Counseling:
I have tried to initiate the transition process by going to counseling. I have had bad experiences so far with counselors. I am currently seeing a counselor through a free clinic. The counselor is still in his masters degree program and is working through the clinic as part of his internship. Out of all the counselors and psychologists I have seen he is probably the best counselor I have experienced so far. I am sure I will need to find another counselor so that I can start HRT.
Resources:
I have had a hard time finding resources where I currently live in Wyoming. I will probably have to travel to Colorado to start electrolysis and HRT.
Herbs:
I have started to take herbs as part of my journey. I really don't expect much from them and don't have the money to take large doses any ways. I am currently taking Saw Palmetto, Black Cohosh, Fenugreek, and Pueraria Mirifica.
Motivation:
I have spent so much of my life at rock bottom that honestly my only option is to move forward. I have reached a point in my life where I am sick and tired of not living authentically. I have tried to be someone I am not and the pain of putting on that mask is just too unbearable anymore. I have decided that while there may be obstacles I will have to face and I may experience pain in the future from fully embracing myself, there is the possibility I will find happiness. I already know the misery that awaits me everyday if I choose not to move forward. I know I have an uphill battle in front of me and I am running out of time. Nevertheless, I am going to give my commitment, perseverance, work, and love to my authentic self.
Take Care
