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Showing results for tags 'hope'.
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Recently I was invited to perform at a spoken word event for young black people in South Eastern CT. The title and theme of the event is : In My Skin. I was invited because though I am new to the Spoken word scene, I caught the eye of a fellow performer whom wanted to share my story. We'd performed two months ago at a school event and she enjoyed my piece as much as I enjoyed hers. The event is not for another month and I'm nervous about getting up in front of strangers to share either of the two pieces. the first is about being a mixed race kid raised in a white suburb and how that didn't matter to me until I learned how to be black. the second piece is about what it's like to be a gay black/white trans male and about the stereotypes I fall into.. I have a month to practice. The first piece aptly called "How to be Black." is radical if only for what it says.( My pride in being the best of both cultures, white and black.) The second named, 'In My Skin.' is about how being black doesn't really matter to other trans people, bu being trans matters to other black men. It's about catching the cold shoulder. It's about being gay and getting passed over for dates. it's not all negative. it's actually a little funny so far, and I wrote it just for the event. I'll share them when I'm done. Three more weeks until my Endo visit. August 18th can't get here soon enough.
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On my last visit to my therapist she casually informed me that I will have her letter of recommendation. I nearly fell out of my chair when she told me. That was amazing news. I could've soared I was so excited. I think She laughed at my reaction. The news came lumped in with confirmation of something I was was seriously concerned about. My Doctor helped to confirm I'm insulin resistant. That condition, for those who are unfamiliar, is very close to having diabetes without having diabetes. I am no longer allowed to not care about what I consume. That coupled with my high blood pressure just backs up my newest of life choices: working out. Before Starting my transition, and being honest with myself, I would've cowered in the corner and cried, making no attempt to fix it. Being Insulin Resistant is actually a good thing, in that it is My body giving me physical signs that something is wrong and I need to change it. Being insulin Resistant is not permanent. it manifests itself as patches of very dark skin... very large patches. not a freckle or a mole. and it's not a consistent skin texture either. Supposedly with better diet and exercise the skin symptoms will go away. If they don't I wouldn't be horribly upset . The bad skin will serve as a reminder to do better by myself. The truth is my body image is not Ideal to me. While I realize I shouldn't be so hard on my self, I also realize that my current body image is a result of severe depression and a terrible attitude towards life.. I'm not longer depressed and I can fix this. There's nothing holding me back but me, and there's no reason for me to be 5' 8" and weigh 240 lbs..I finished feeling sorry for myself 5 months ago, How strange it was to convert my anger to positivity. I would not know how to accurately recount what thoughts made me do so. My Anger is now a wall that prevents crap from filtering into my brain and making me anything less than my best. My best is getting out and walking instead of staring at myself in the mirror and wondering what went wrong. I walked two miles today, and while that may not seem like much it's a lot for a guy who gets winded walking up the 15 steps to his front door. (Yes there are 15. Yes I have counted them.) What have I gained in my last week? A sense of serenity. My walk takes me about a half hour and it gives me that mush time to myself. I have time to organize my thoughts while listening to my favorite music. It's time without the distractions of work or family or video games or any of the other things that keep me from staying focused. This new attitude combined with the knowledge that I will be more like myself by next year than I have been in 25 years fills me with so much joy. Sheer Joy. Joy that is unrivaled by anything I have ever felt in my life. This is my third month in a row being Happy, and genuinely content. To those who are transitioning and the road is hard, remember that the journey may not be easy, but you are making it. To take the first step in this journey, for some is an impossible feat. Know that in the completion of that first step you are brave. Know that when you find yourself, no one can truly take that from you. And to the rest of you reading this, know that the choice to transition is a serious step. A step that can't be made lightly. Know that not doing so does not make you cowardly or weak. I speak only for myself when I speak of the changes transitioning has made in my life. Thank you for reading, Benjamin C. This is me Last week.
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- small victories
- positive self worth
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Today I went down because my mom wanted to talk to me about my brother doing homeschool with me. After our conversation I went to make some popcorn because popcorn is awesome. A few minutes later she then commented that her soap opera has a transgender in it. At this point I am nervous on how she would think of that. She then commented "That's disgusting. I guess they have to make it more modern. What has the world come to?" My heart instantly dropped. I quickly finished what I was doing in the kitchen and ran upstairs to my room. I am full of emotions right now. Angry, sad, confused. Right when I was starting to crawl out of the pit of depression, I sunk back in. My mom basically rejected me, and the worst part is that she doesn't know it.
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- hope
- loosing hope
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