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Showing results for tags 'kourtneyb'.
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I have always had abandonment issues. I guess I always knew that things will eventually get to this point in my life where not only everyone I love and hold dear no longer have the inclination or strength to stand by me but I, myself have to abandon my own life which has been built on a lie. It this point I feel helpless against the current pulling me towards my transition. I tried to stem the tide and pretend it is not so but, I lost the battle and like before have no otherway but forward. People say I am selfish but, from where I stand the selfish thing to do is suiside which again seems quite attractive as apposed to faking another 30 years of my life. No I will move forward and live my life by embracing myself and the people who have the courage, like me, to live life against the ods.
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It's been five months now since I restarted my regime of herbal hormones. I have had ups and downs but in general it's been a pleasant experience. I started seing a difference in my breasts almost from day one but didn't expect much else from the herbs. The research I have done indicated slower progress and diminished results opposed to that of conventional medicine. Be that as it may my emotional state has changed. I feel more at home in my body. The anger and frustration has subsided and calm and serenity has taken it's place. I still get stressed and since I came out to my family and friends I tend to grind my teath but I use to do it before the hormones and attribute it to my general stress levels. I am more aware of it now and can intervene to stop the stress cycle. I also noticed recently that my sense of smell has improved dramatically. My breasts are sensitive and I get growth pains often for days on end lately. My sex drive has diminished considerably and although I am still able to forfill my duties as a husband I don't feel like doing all sorts of crazy things to satisfy my urges anymore like in the past. I feel in control for the first time.
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It's been a rough two weeks. My mother is still not talking to me, my father seems again torn between the love for his family and the love for his wife. I attended the Pretoria pride as first drag princess and I attended the weekly support meetings. I am learning alot of new things about myself and transgenderism in general with all the exposure I am getting. I have met so many people with the same affliction as me and cried more tiers in this short time than combined through out my old life. The hormones are really helping my dysphoria and for the first time in my life I feel at piece with myself. I feel a little selfish yes and I am sorry that everyone around me has to live this with me, but somehow I believe this will make me a better person.
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I had to rush to get dressed and made up in time for the meeting. My wife was kind enough to help out here and there and soon I was in the car on my way to the meeting. I got there just in time. One of the girls were quite rude as I greated her. I can never understand why people feel the need to be mean to newbies. I ignored her obvious attempt at establishing her superiority and joined the rest of the group inside. My overdressed outfit made an impression, and I felt comfortable. We spoke about comming out to family members and lovers. The group was diverse with gay men, lesbian lovers and a female to male transgender to full in all the combinations. The main problem in relationships are the expectations that change once a transgendered person comes out. Parents will grieve and lovers will need to come to grips with facing the reality of loveing that person in another gender. In the end love will conquer all. Personally I feel like my home has turned into a war zone. My wife is having a difficult time understanding and with my emotions all over the place thanks to the hormones we fight almost daily. I showed her the definition of gender dysphoria and that seemed to have cleared things up a bit, but I fear we are still drifting apart as I nolonger look, feel and smell like the man she once felt attracted to. I can only hope that things will work out as I can't go back to living as a male. My ability to pretend has forever been broken. Even as I think of going back to my old life I see a thick black hole of dred and depression so I have no choice but to move forward.
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My name is Bianca. I am a transexual female. I am married and have three kids. I have been dressing up since I can remember. At first it was a sexual rush when I dressed up as a girl and sometimes I still get a bit excited when I put on a new sexy undergarment but the sexual aspect has mostly passed now that I accepted myself and embraced my femininity. I told my wife about my dressing the first day she came into the house, but we still fought about it over the pas eight years sometimes bitterly. She recently decided to support me so I decided to persue my dream of being a Drag Queen. This is the story of KourtneyB. Love Bianca
