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I'm still with you guys/gals/people I havent left you, despite my almost complete disappearance. Things got so hectic and depressing that I had set aside all of my extra things (youtube, blogging, etc) and abandoned all of my activities in the trans community. I didnt want to be a part of any of it anymore and I didnt want to deal with any of the dysphoria that came with watching the progress of everyone else. It was too much. I met friends through the many groups but they kind of drifted away to do their own things, and in my own opinion, seem to be forgetting the little guys that looked up to them in the first place. It just became too much. I was struggling with SH and the rejection my family was putting on me plus just about every other nasty thought that ran through my head on my own doing. So I left, and I apologize for that. I'm still struggling with the SH. I thought certain things around cure that problem for me but apparently it will still be a struggle. Not sure why I thought otherwise. But I wanted to update you all--No, I NEEDED to update you all on this. A struggle you all knew I was having. TW: Possibly graphic to some people . . . As of April 30th, I've officially had top surgery done. The procedure was done by Dr.Robert Feins in Manchester NH and done at the Nashua Surgical Center in Nashua NH. I'm still a few weeks into healing but so far I love the results. I've had a few issues with the incision line as you can see in the front, but it is expected to smooth itself out on its own. They removed a total of TWELVE AND A HALF POUNDS off my chest and will remove more after I heal when they do the revisions on the sides and possibly the front. Aside from about 2500$ out of pocket (deductable, tissue sample tests, anesthesia and etc), my insurance through Harvard Pilgrim covered my surgery. It's so nice to be able to breathe and move around properly, though now I've come to realize how big my belly is (now that I can SEE it). But in due time, I plan to fix that. Work right now has been chaotic and we've had one person quit so a lot of the job falls onto me. Sadly, I've also considered quitting my job. But I feel awful for considering it so soon after getting my surgery covered by insurance through my job. I feel like pitching out now will be like "thanks for the surgery, bye!" but I'm seriously at my wits end with this job. I'm exhausted, nothing is consistent, there is zero communication and its just so frustrating. It's not what I want to do. I planned to go into the police academy. Which brings me to our next topic. Education: I was homeschooled by my mother, who I am no longer on speaking terms with. I've come to realize that me being homeschooled was just a byproduct of her doting on my older sister, like always. She struggled in school so we ALL got taken out. As an aftermath, my education lacked horribly. I was handed my text books and left to essentially figure it out on my own, lying on tests to make it more believable as I was given the answer keys just so I could pass and she wouldnt get in trouble. As a result, I've taken the time to make a resume to apply for Dispatch 911 operator. I cannot be a police officer right now so I'm starting small. However, when I found my highschool diploma...I realized that its FAKE. My mother never actually got me a diploma and using said diploma (which she didnt even bother to fill out) would be fraud. So, I need to get a GED apparently. I'm beyond furious that she lied to me and I dont actually have a highschool diploma but I cannot say that I am surprised either. Job: As said before, I'm still working security but want to change my job. Life: MY BROTHER IS LIVING WITH ME. I cant remember if I told you all that, but my brother (19 and trans) was being verbally and mentally abused by my mother but I had no way to get him to safety. UNTIL my partner and I were able to get an apartment with 2 bedrooms and I took him to live with me! He's been here about 5 or so months and it's been rocky here and there but we're happy and he's safe so that makes me happy! My SH is somewhat under control right now. I'm about 3 months SH free but I dont suspect that'll last with the stress I'm under right now. Youtube: I have quit youtube for now with the sad realization that I had no place in it to begin with. I had nothing to talk about, not much of anyone watching, and no idea what I was talking about half the time anyway. I had removed all of my videos and washed my hands of it until I feel comfortable enough to start it up again. My first video will probably be about my next topic. Transness---Am I really trans?: Due to a series of events that I'm not sure how it started but it all sort of fell into my lap regardless, I've had some sneaking suspitions on my gender. No, scratch that. My Sex. I know my gender. I know I'm a guy and I am totally cool with that. It was the sex I was not certain of. Now most people can look down and go "yup, my sex is _____" and call it a day. I've never really had that. I've been with several cis women and I never really felt as if I was on that same level that they were. Something was just...off. Looking back at my childhood, I realized little things here and there that greatly supported my suspicions. It was not until meeting a friend of mine who is a counciler for LGBTQ+ teens and talking to her a bit that I stumbled on my own reality. It all fit, like one of those puzzles you forgot you had but never finished. The I in LGBTQI+. Several medical abnormalities, a few extra doses of T that I normally shouldnt have, some things in my sexual adventures that were a little off and not to mention the adam's apple, abundance of hair and my overall structure made me stop and poke her brain into the world of Intersex. It took me only ten minutes to realize that it all sounded a little too familiar. I didnt call my doctor because...let's face it. I had to teach HER about transgender things. You really think she'll know anything about intersex? And I cant just go get a new doctor, a complete stranger, and go "hey, I think I'm intersex. Let's chat." No, I stuck with my own "professional" and we dove into it through texts and chats and me doing my own exams with her guidance. Then the big leap. That huge jump that I've never actually thought I'd ever take but I was so desperate to know the truth that I did it anyway. Pictures. I showed her my concerns and she took all of five minutes to confirm everything without even needing to consult her books. I'm not male, I'm not female, I'm intersex. And from her own expertise and what she can see without me physically being there--The doctors who delivered me took that extra step to keep me labeled female; most likely without my mother's consent. However, little things my mother had said to me in the past that seemed irrelevent back then are now horribly relevent and now make perfect sense. She had to have known at least a little bit. But why did she fight it so hard when I came out as trans? Why does she constantly throw that in my face that I'm born a girl? I have a feeling that even if I asked her, she'd lie to my face. So I'm content with not bothering to quiz her on the details of my birth, if she even knew about that aspect of my sex. But now I know, and honestly---I feel more at peace with my sex than I did before. Like that hole in my identity has been filled and it finally all makes sense. I'm Pseudomale Intersex and you know what? I'm okay with that. And this is the first time I've said it somewhat publicly. Some have asked me "Can you even be trans then if you were never technically cis?" and the answer would be "yes" to that. I've had to do some thinking on that myself, actually. But because I still ended up with some altering I had to do and the fact that some of my 'gear' is not cis male, that still makes me trans. And I'm cool with that. And even better, my partner shrugged it off and said "nothing's changed. I've been with you for 8 years, I'm cool with it." Which brings us to: Partners: I'm still with my amazing bf Justin. He's been insanely supportive of me and he and my brother were my saving graces during my surgery recovery time. They were so careful to help me and be the most help they could possibly be. I dont know where I'd be without them. So I think that pretty much catches you all up on my life right now. I do plan to add more blog posts now that I have my account again and I look forward to catching up with everyone again. I hope you're all well and I hope to see your lovely faces again. Lots of love, Warren
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Anyone miss me? Yeah, me either. You havent missed much but I figured I'd post an entry just so people dont think I died or something. Not sure if I'm even relevant anymore but, yeah. So here's an update. No surgery. No responses from insurance, no responses from GLAAD or any of the LGBTQ+ Advocates for NH nor anyone else I wrote to. No one seems to give a flip and that doesnt really surprise me... I'm still dealing with the MPD stuff, all eight of the obnoxious whiners -,_,- My life in a nutshell. I still dont have the money saved up. I barely have 600$ saved up and my hours got cut for the summer season. I work the bar and get tips but guess how much I got in tips tonight after 8 hours in a hot bar? .....$0.50... Last week? $1.00 My surgery is going no where and my thyroid problem has gotten more annoying. Normally people are on 50mg, I'm on 260mg and it hasnt helped at all and my levels havent balanced out. I dont get it... I'm back on my Youtube channel though I feel like no one watches it anyway. Anyhow, here's links to the Youtube and the facebook group page. If you feel like it, go stare at my randomness and maybe poke a few buttons. Button poking is fun. (https://www.facebook.com/DubstepHeartbeatYouTube/?fref=ts) (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8FWRfZBHaU46LzyhAJoL7A) -Warren BottomNote: Met a fellow LGBTQ+ person when I went to an Orlando Vigil in NH (vid on my channel), and he was awesome and helped me feel better about myself.
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Good evening, again haha I just wanted to bring up a fabulous show I've found on youtube called 'Her Story' about a transgender woman and a lesbian ciswoman, the fights, struggles and transphobia that dear Violet endures; like most transwomen do. Please take a moment to watch but please be aware of trigger warnings. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkHicPm7C6Q Alex
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEoGy0ZpciA This is my latest video upload, i talk about what its like being a student in 2016 and what that means for the LGTBI community. I am utterly grateful to be in a more accepting society where i can be a teenager and transition during high school with support and love. Watch the full video here- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEoGy0ZpciA Let me know what you think and PLEASE SUBSCRIBE, it means the world to me.
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(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STBv6EIFARw) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Op_o2KtQH1c) Warren, aka DH (DubstepHeartbeat)
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So first I wanted to respond to a few things in my last blog because posting comments was getting confusing. "May I ask, does your boyfriend consider himself a Straight or Gay man? Do you consider yourself a Straight or Gay man? From my interaction with you and looking at your pictures (I have very sensitive "Gaydar"), you come across as a Straight man. Of course, I could be wrong." The answer to this would be no, Justin does not consider himself gay, and is 100% Straight. Which, yes, confuses the situation a little bit, but I respect his sexuality. I, myself, am Pansexual. So that makes my life a little easier lol. So I'm a fraction of both gay and straight but more open than Bisexual "If this is actually an agreement - she asked for rent and named the amount, then the space in her house that is not considered common area is yours, and she cannot enter your space unannounced when you are not there unless there is an emergency. Otherwise, any entry must be scheduled and you must be notified in advance." We did agree to pay a certain ammount (Justin and I as a couple) but no paperwork were signed so it is not a legal agreement and She can toss me out as just a 'guest' in her house. We live in one house, and my bedroom is literally considered "her sons room" to her and she claims to have free range over the whole house. Either she's right or wrong in the situation, doesnt matter because I cannot avoid it right now. As such the situation has gotten more and more Frustrating. Last night I came home and my bedroom door were wide open (not the first time) giving all the animals of the house free roam of it, which is VERY enfuriating considering some of her EIGHT cats pee on things. Not only that, but my native american medicine wheel and safeguard disk were on the floor in the hallway, both of which my deceased father gave me, CHEWED UP and basically ruined. This is the third time this week that I have come home to my door open and either my razors stolen, my room trashed, things knocked over, things missing, or the room just left open for access of the stupid animals that she is hoarding. Today I locked the bedroom door before leaving but there's no promises that they wont find a way to open it anyhow. I just dont understand how two people who earn (debatable, its sometimes a government disability check) cant just go out and buy their own damn razors or stay out of my room. There is nothing in there for them. They dont like it if I go in their rooms! It's beyond obnoxious, and I hate being there. But as we've all agreed, no point in taking action until I have the funds or job to find my own place..... ANYWAY, its wednesday, and my computer decided to be a d*** and not work. So I did my videos on my ipod which was obnoxious but productive. Here ya go. Warren https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tx6Zx-yCBpY
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Okay so I wanted to throw up a really quick blog entry for my friend Amy, who has recently decided to start up her Youtube channel with an introduction video If you guys/girls would like to check it out, please feel free to give her a thumbs up and some support (my brain is so fried from no sleep i wrote thamb up and some supper lol guess im hungry XD) Sending some love your way, Amy!! Warren
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So I figured I'd stop in with yet another update, on two things. First off, the dog I were helping care for down the road (Weezie) is doing much better! Her owner/mother took her to an emergency veterinary clinic because she were still very worried about her. I were supposed to go with her but overslept and never got her messages, so I missed it. BUT, The vets decided to keep her overnight because of her age so they could examine her and run a few tests. They found that she were severely dehydrated, so she was put on an IV overnight, and much to her delight, spoonfed food. I were correct on the gas, afterall, and they found that she had a gastro-intestinal blockage. Given another week or so, she probably would have passed away. Also the severe shedding were simply because she is an older dog, and we did have a really hard winter, So this is what they refer to as a "hard shed" due to excess oils in her hair and its just a LOT more than normal. I'm pleased to report that she is doing MUCH better and is roaming around very happily, freshly groomed and bathed, her nails clipped and ears cleaned. She got very pampered and she loved it! She's now walking and roaming back to normal, and is fully able to get herself up and around without assistance. Also, It's wednesday!! Which means another youtube video It were certainly a bit longer than I had planned, but I were half awake this morning so it's sort of slapped together >.< Enjoy, and feel free to give me ideas and whatnot Lots of love and not much to report otherwise, Warren
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Super short blog, since we dont have the shout feature anymore My new video!! Enjoy Warren
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