First off, Mothers Day.
Happy Mothers Day to my wonderful mom. I have no idea how I would have made to now without her. I love her so much and with all my heart. She is my hero.
No. It has no always been easy. The last few months have been a great example of that. Some would think I broke my mother's heart with my decision to transition. But I think it would have broken her heart more to lose me to the deep depression I was headed for. Because who know where that would have taken me. I was headed for a dark place. I had to tell my parents. I had to tell them what was going on with me. Simply because they are a part of my life. The last thing I wanted was to hid what I was doing from them, then to show up looking totally different.
I have been watching videos and reading articles about trans men And how they grew up and the feelings they had. It sounds so familiar. I felt the same thing. I thought the same thing. I sent a video to Mom. I hope she watches it. And it helps her understand that this is something I have to do. That the feelings I have are nothing new and I am not the only who feels this way. And it also showed his Mom coming to terms with it. All I can do is hope it helps her. That it helps her accept me a little more.
Another thing on my mind.
The discrimination I feel from some members of the LGBT community. Not any of my friends. Those people of been more the accepting and understanding and very very supportive. I am talking about some "family" I have met since. The looks, the questions, the exclusion I feel. From the butch lesbians, it is like "How dare you desert us?!?" And from the femmes out there, it more of "Another one bites the dust.". I didn't realize that the gay world was just as closed minded as the straight world. And I feel very disappointed about it. Heart broken really. I spent most of my life being discriminated against because I was a tom boy growing up. "Why can't you be more like a girl?" Then coming out as a lesbian, "Why can't you be straight?" and, "Why would you chose to be gay?" Now as a trans gender man, and being a straight man at that, I feel that the struggle to fit in and belong to a community is starting all over again. I feel like an outsider in the community that is supposed to be about acceptance and tolerance. LGBT does stand for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual AND Transgender.
It makes me wonder if I will ever find my place. Find my community. Or will I always be looking and searching for the acceptance I am desperately seeking? I don't announce myself to new people as trans gender. I just introduce myself as Dustin. Since that is my name after all. I see the looks I get from people. I "see"the questions. The standoffishness. (Is that a word?) Of course, it doesn't help that some at my place of employment, say "she" with obvious emphasis. Just to make sure the confusion goes deeper. I think I have to insist on being called "he". I honestly thought it wouldn't bother me that much but it does. I can live with being called my old name. I am treating it more like a nick name at this point. Most people are doing pretty good with correcting themselves so it's good. I don't want to be an asshole about it all but I do want that level of respect that everyone deserves. I really feel that once I have surgery, the looks will change. Plus, I want to up my dose of testosterone. I need to see my doctor about it. In between my shots, I start feeling off. Like something is wrong. Almost like a PMS feeling. I feel angry and aggressive. I am ready to take the next step and up my treatments. I want, no. Need to take the next step.
I also have an opportunity to get a new job. I know I know. I love my job. But the new job pays way more money. It would still be Monday to Friday. 6 to 2:30. So an awesome shift. It would ease my mind about bills. And allow me to save more money towards surgery. The benefits are great. The people are pretty cool. I would get to work with my BFF again. I guess the only real problem would be asking my boss for a letter of reference for the potential new job. My boss has been so good to me. With dealing with my name change and my transition. As we are all aware, the only one I have really ever had a problem with is the douche. I admit, I won't miss him at all. I really don't know what I am going to do at this point.
It has taken me all day to write this post. I keep getting distracted by Facebook, T.V and sick cats. Bean and Fidget are sick. They are on the mend now. Thank goodness. We went to the doctor yesterday. He spouted a bunch of medical jargon I couldn't understand. They got some fluid under the skin to help with dehydration. And I was prescribed pills to give them. Problem is, the pills make the cats throw up. It s very hard to keep them hydrated if they are throwing up twice a day. So no more pills. I have a bowl of water outside of Bean's new little house (Thank you Auntie Tasha! ) and a bowl of high calorie dry food as well. She will eat when she feels like it and drink as well. Holding her down and forcing water down her throat is stressing her out more then being sick right now. The girls did get a steam bath today to help with congestion. Bean even sat outside in the sunshine for a while. I think she will be OK.
The doctor also gave me hell for Fidget's weight. Not sure what else I can do. She is already on diet food. And I moved to a place with stairs so she would have to go up and down. It is not my fault she is lazy. Same with Bean. She has always been a tiny little thing. Granted. She is too skinny right now. But even when she is healthy, she is a light eater. I can't force feed her. She is not a big fan of wet food on good days. So. all I can do is try and maintain a good balance between my skinny Bean and my tumba wumba Fidget. Wish me luck.
The Bro Code Article # 23
When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes, but is not limited to, exercise shows, women's athletics and on some occasions, surgery programs.
I have moved.
With the help of an all girl moving crew, the move went quick and smooth. My heartfelt thanks go to all girls who moved me.
The cats are settling in nicely. Bean is finally not being quite so twitchy. She did not do well with the move at all. Monty, on the other hand, is loving the new place. He sits at the top of the stairs and stares down on us mere mortals in the living room. He also likes to race me up the stairs. Probably because the food dish is up there and he thinks he is STARVING to death. It will be nice when I can finally let them out. I do have to wait a while yet. I don't want them going back to the old place. Fidget is still fat. She runs about 3/4 of the way up the stairs then stops. Gives a big sigh then slowly continues on. Poor fat little Fidget.
Ah yes. The old place. The place flooded the week before I moved out. From the spring run off. Thank goodness I had my stuff in the closet up on pallets. That was because of the flood in January. When I did my walk through after I moved out, the smell was awful! They said I was going to be charged for not cleaning the bathroom and kitchen. I got a little mad about that. I told her that the whole apartment needed to be re done because of the various floods over the years. I don't even want to think about how much mold is in that place. As I posted on Facebook, I didn't realize how much I hated it there until I moved. There is so much light now! And I have my own door!! I don't feel ashamed to have friends over. Though I have been told it is a bachelor pad. But then, that is what I am. The final furniture placement is not yet complete. I may move things around to try and open it up a bit more. I am really looking forward buying a BBQ and grilling me some steak!
They are going really well. I have given myself 3 shots. The first, I just stabbed myself with no hesitation. The next two, I had a hard time. I am not sure why. I still did it but I held back. Maybe, for the next one, I will go and see H and see if I am doing something wrong. Besides, it will be a good excuse to visit with them and baby E. I did ask H if it was OK that I didn't bleed very much when I injected myself. She said it was good thing. Ideally, there should be no blood. So the fact that there is very little, is a good thing. I am injecting into the right spot. I really want to up my dose though. I need to make a doctor's appointment and find out when I can do that. Plus, I need to go and get blood work done before I go to Edmonton in June. I am really looking forward to that trip. For many reasons. One of which might be the chance to see my Rough Riders play!
I don't really feel any different. I have been watching myself and paying attention to what my body is telling me. I haven't really noticed anything beside my breasts losing some firmness. It could be from the testosterone. It could be from the binding everyday. Yes. Everyday. For at least 8 hours a day. I have found a binder that really works for me. It is actually a belly binder. But it is all elastic. I can tighten up pretty good. Flattens those puppies down pretty good. I pack almost everyday. I like the looks I get. The confusion. The questioning looks. I have been called Sir and Maam all in the same day. Like they have to call me something. And rather then not assign me a label, they pick one. Same with gender pro nouns. Is it a "he" or a "she"? I just don't know! Like the guy at the laundry mat I was talking to while folding my clothes. We were chatting away about different things. And in the conversation, I mentioned being called Uncle. He looked at me a little funny then took off. I smiled as he walked away. One day, soon I hope, other men will look at me as one of there own.
There have been a few minor mood swings. But that could just be me.
See, here's the thing. I am passing as a male. I look male. I feel male. But my body is still female. So I have the same crap a woman deals with. It jacks with my head. There is a procedure I can have done that will stop that annoying little problem. I think it will make me feel better. It sounds awful but I think it will be worth it.
I watched a video on You tube last night. I know. Surprise surprise. This one was on female to male chest surgery. It was very graphic. It gives me an idea on what I am in for. I have heard about the surgery from others. I have read about the surgery and seen pictures but this was the first video that showed it in detail. It doesn't scare me. In fact, it made me want to do it now. I know that seems weird. I want to see what my chest will look like with these things gone. I want to be able to walk around with no shirt on in public. I want to show off my scars proudly. I want to shower and soap my bare, breast-less chest.
No. That is not a sexual thing. It is a human thing. I want to be happy with my body. I want to be proud of it. I want it to match the vision I have in my head. I need it to match. I can wait for MSP to cover the surgery. But it will take a long time. I can pay for it on my own but it will cost a few thousand dollars. So what do I do? Do I wait? Do I save my money? Right now, I am doing both. I am trying to save my pennies( and nickels and dimes and quarters and loonies etc) to pay for my surgery. At the pace the government works, I will end up paying for my surgery myself. And I am OK with that. It means I have better control over who does my surgery. I haven't really done any research into surgeons yet. I have time. But I will take any advice available.
The Bro Code Article # 51
A Bro checks out another Bro's blind date and reports back with a thumbs up or thumbs down.