I am so tired I can't even get my thoughts together to blog today, so this might be pretty short.. Anyways, check out the funny picture I attached to this blog entry...terrible grammar, but you get the idea.
I tried listening to that hypno stuff last night. It's OK at some parts, but most of it is just so dumb. It has to be just a gimmick, but there is so much out there on the forums and blogs about it, so I thought it had some merit. I laugh when they say something like, "You are a woman." I am like, "Yeah, no kidding, and..." I am not wasting my time anymore....it was entertaining, though.
I have to say that the transgendered lifestyle is way too over-sexualized. It really isn't a sexual thing for me, but rather me just trying to be who I am. There is just so much garbage out there that brings you down and makes you feel like a freak or something. There is a part for sexuality, but we can't allow ourselves to be defined that way. That's just me....
For the past week, I have been totally out of touch with the news, which from what I hear has been a good thing because of all the media coverage of the shooting in CT. It's sad but those things are going to keep happening until we change our culture....and that will never happen. I don't mean more gun control, because that won't do anything, especially when you think of how many guns are out there right now. My personal feeling is that we need to do more to encourage people to carry a weapon and possibly start training children on weapons at a younger age so that they have more of a respect for them. I know it sounds crazy but you are not going to get all the guns off of the street, so what do you do?
Is it 2013 yet??
Today has been a long work day for me. Mainly because I had to yell at this guy who thinks his job is to harass me and others by pointing out every small detail we might have missed. Meanwhile, he screws up things on a huge level all the time and everyone just deals with it and doesn't say anything. Anyways, he got to hear about it from a real bitch today. He is just relentless with the ridicule and over the stupidest of things, "you left your computer unlocked today"...and it's like he is one of those people who thinks if he can just keep getting away with it, then he will keep an upper hand on you...not happening with this bitch!
The good part is I got to wear my brand new red panties, open-crotch I might add, to work today! Needless to say, that guy had my panties in a bunch. I don't care what he thinks about me, because I can tell he is just an insecure little man. I read something today that really made me laugh: "What other people think of you is none of your business!" Well said!
It's the little things like that which keep me sane and happy right now. I work so many hours that there isn't enough time to work out and I need to lose some waistline. I usually go running but I don't want to lose my hips and ass, only my waist...not sure how to do one without doing the other.
I don't have much else going on today. I just need to catch up on some sleep and get ready to do it all again tomorrow.
I finally have a moment to blog! I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend.
Anyways, I was unable to obtain the elusive Super-O. I worked on it for like two hours. I hope this isn't TMI for some of you but I bring it up because to me, it will be a huge step forward.
I reached out to a Transgendered support group and I was able to actually use my female voice today. It was exhilarating but a little tough at first. Anyways, I don't think this woman who runs the support group wants to deal with me. She has only returned one of my emails and when I called her she told me to call back in 45 minutes, but when I did, she didn't answer. I left a voice mail but she doesn't email or anything. I really just want to know what a professional might have to say about why my self-discovery happened the way that it did and as quick as it did. I just want to understand it but by no means am I trying to find an excuse to ignore it or get some therapy for it. I feel like I should have had therapy a long time ago to help me figure all of this out much sooner.
If people find me and my blog annoying, please just tell me so and I will go elsewhere. This is all very, very new to me and if I am talking about things I shouldn't, or if I am just not interesting, please let me know. I take the time to blog both for myself and the reader. I want the reader to be interested and I want others to know my story because they might find themselves in the same situation. I never saw this coming and blogging is one of my outlets and it helps me keep a journal of my transformation because it has been awesome and I never want to forget certain moments. I am still surprised at my self-discovery, but I am very proud of it! Anyways, if people aren't interested in listening to my pathetic drivel, then please let me know and I will go away.
I got an email from Facebook today, asking where someone had been because they hadn't signed in for a week. Well, that account now belongs to someone else. I have my very own account so I don't know what they are talking about. I thought it was funny because it really showed how that person just disappeared from my life.
So I went to dinner last night and I took the time to check out some of the women. The first things I notice when I look at women are (in rough order):
1. Her shoes
2. Her hair
3. Her clothes
4. Her makeup
5. Her shape
I didn't consider any of these women good looking so I didn't feel all envious, instead what really disappointed me was that they had potential and weren't using it. Here I am thinking, "I would kill to have what you have, because I could make that work a lot easier than going through what I will have to go through...and here you are wasting it." I am sorry if I seem a little judgmental, but when I see a girl who if she just did a little more with her hair, her makeup, the way she dresses, etc., she would be the stunner that she could be, and that I want to be. Anyways, you always take for granted that which you have grown accustomed to having...but I just feel like a girl should take every opportunity to show it all off...I know I will. However, more than just appearances, I feel that many of these women lack the class of a woman and don't come across as sensual beings. That's the worst part! I could go on and on about this, but not today.
I have started to settle down some. I realize that this isn't going to happen overnight but I am still impatient. I just do what I can with what I have. I am content with my inner being even though things don't match up on the outside the way I want them to. I was losing so much sleep because I was constantly working on myself. I think my body finally told me to slow down.
That's all for now!
I love sharing all of my little "first time" moments with you guys. I just had to share this: I don't know what song was playing in the car at the time, but a guy was singing about his hot girl in a tight white shirt sitting next to him, and after it was done I realized that the whole time I felt like he was singing about me. I was like, "Wow!" Now every song about a hot girl is about me!...I love it! I am having soooo much fun!
I also started looking at my ass and hips in the mirror everytime the opportunity presents itself. I used to rush through my shower time, now I take all the time in the world and enjoy myself, then take even more time for lotions and moisturizers. Another huge first, was while in the shower looking down and feeling ashamed. I NEVER, I mean NEVER, thought that I would say that. I don't know where that came from. I didn't expect that at all because I didn't think I minded having something down there still. I don't think I will mind keeping it, but I was a little surprised by my own inner disgust. I have been sitting down to go to the bathroom every time, partly because I don't want to see it. I was in denial over my shame for a while...like, "I am not ashamed of having that, I have no reason to be ashamed of it." Well, I have now come to accept my shame and now its becoming tough to get hard...but I haven't minded a bit. I am really hoping I can reach my first Super-O tomorrow and never have to mess around with it again.
The most shocking thing is how fast this is all happening. It must be a world record or something. I must say that I have never felt so great inside before in my entire life. I have to say that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I will admit, that when I realize these sorts of things and I get all giddy, there is this little voice that comes along and asks, "What if I have to go back to your former self?" That's sooo out of the question. I can't turn this off! I can't make this go away! I can't just stop being me! I know who I really am now...no doubt! In fact I am so pissed off that I couldn't have found myself much, much sooner!
I know what would make that damn voice go away...some DD implants! LOL! Also, if I get trapped into coming out because some people at work catch onto something, its totally over...I'll be at work the next day with a blouse, skirt, and heels...I might even have to go home early and come right back to work.
I am already working on making my breast size bigger (which means, >0). I am going to start off with some breast forms at a certain size, and then when I feel I am comfortable at that size, I'll get that size sewn on....that's at least a couple of years down the road though...but it sure is fun to think about now! The lady from the breast form store said to watch out with going with D's, and to be really careful about going DD or higher because I would draw too much attention.
She didn't scare me from the DD's but it really isn't about drawing attention or any of that. I just want to be comfortable in my body. I think D or DD should do the trick, but if it ends up being B or C, then so be it. I need to carry around some D's for a while to see how I handle them...I don't think there will be a problem!
The biggest thing bothering me right now is my voice at work. I have to play the part for now but I can't stand it! I noticed that I am talking with my hands a lot more, which I do like. My voice is a little softer now, but its nowhere near where it should be. I will be working on it, though!
I know I am jumping the gun by already planning for those sorts of things now. There is just so much to do. I would love to do without the hormones, but if I decide to do it, it won't be for a while. I don't know what to prioritize in this transformation. I am trying to do it all at one time. I am not sleeping enough because there are so many things to do and learn. I just can't wait until it all comes together. I know its going to take years but that's OK. I am just hoping that the rest of the journey will be this fun. I know its going to have it's good times and it's bad times, but at least for now I can say that I know who I truly am and I could never be anyone else, and I have never felt better.
I spent all of yesterday just studying makeup techniques and looking at clothes. I have so much to learn that I don't even know where to start. I just keep going with whatever feels right at the moment. I bought a ton of stuff from beauty.com yesterday...lotions, hope in a jar, body wax, etc.. I have already spent $500 this week on clothes and beauty supplies. And there is so much more to get...
I watched a video by Princess Joules on her makeup collection...oh my gosh, would I love to have all that. She must have $20,000+ of stuff. You can check out her video here...she is so pretty!
So yesterday, when I got into the shower, I noticed I was naturally just cupping my breasts. Then when I got out of the shower, I was holding a towel to my breasts (like when you see a woman get out of the shower do...I had never thought about this until I caught myself) and it took me a bit to realize that all of these things were just coming so naturally...I am so happy!
I also read about people using hypno videos to help them with their transition. So I tried it! I quickly found out that there are two types of feminine hypno out there: 1. either the hypno that makes you focus on your feminine qualities OR 2. getting you mentally prepared to perform sexual acts on men. I am really not interested in getting mentally ready for sex with men. I am just focused on my own being and I don't need sex with anyone right now. I will admit I did kind of enjoy the sexual hypno videos/mp3's, but it was really a distraction from improving myself. Although I consider myself a woman, I don't have an attraction to men. I don't think that its required to be a woman. That doesn't mean things can't change or I wouldn't consider it, the attraction just isn't there right now. I don't know if that is something that usually changes as you transition, but I would like to hear other's thoughts and experiences on that subject.
On Friday, when I get off of work, I will be trying to accomplish something I once set out to do, but couldn't....having what they call a Super-O. I have an aneros that is supposed to stimulate your g-spot until you orgasm without even touching yourself. I tried it once because I was just kind of curious if it was true or not, but I had no luck. I really want to be able to have my first female orgasm...let's hope it happens tomorrow! I keep hearing that its possible and I even saw a video of a person convulsing in pleasure...please let that be me. I guess once you figure it out how to make it happen, its much easier everytime after that....its the first one that is tough.
Anyways, I hope everyone is doing great. Stay safe and take care!
Until next time,
OK, so I didn't mention that when this all started a few days ago, my eating habits immediately changed with absolutely no conscious effort of my own. I didn't eat at all the first day or two, and the meals I ate were very light and I just automatically ate how a woman would eat...I swear, as hungry as I was, I went straight for the Strawberry Romaine salad! I do need to work on my figure but I am not intentionally trying to deprive myself....it's just happening on its own!
Today when I woke up to go to work, I felt totally strange putting on men's clothes and men's shoes. I put it all on in disgust. I felt like, "This is not who I am...I am just pretending to be a man." What the heck? Where did this all come from? I still haven't even worn a pair of heels!....oh, but I can't wait to get my first pair.
I am trying to go about this one step at a time but its all hitting me at once. I want to change everything but there's just no time to do it all in one day.
So here I am at work, my voice is softer, my mannerisms are different, and the way I hold my self and my non-verbal expressions, are all different now. No one has said anything, but I wonder if people will be talking.
Anyways, I like the fact that all of these feelings have just come so naturally. I know I am headed on the path to being my true self, it's just going to take a lot of time and effort.
Somehow, with all of this, I feel much more confident and comfortable because I am being true to myself.
I did a lot of web surfing before work. I went on youtube and was trying to find advice on makeup, hairstyles, voice control, and mannerisms. I found Princess Joules...she is amazing! There is so much to learn from her just by listening to her and watching her, despite the great advice she gives. I only got to see a couple of her videos but she has a ton of them on youtube. I will be studying her diligently. I also found a really cool transgender starter kit at suddenlyfem.com, which I plan on getting really soon!
I was hoping to get some feedback from my first blog entry, but I was sad to find out that I didn't. I would love to hear from some of you!
I have felt passionately about a lot of things before but never could gather the will to sit down and write a blog, but this is coming so naturally. Its as almost as natural as my recent realization that I am actually a woman. I found this site today and I thought it was great that TGGuide.com was encouraging their members to write blogs, and what perfect timing because I just began my journey to becoming the best woman I can be. I have already realized that I will make a much better woman than a man. Don't worry, I will explain.
Let me give you a quick background about myself so that you have an understanding of who I am. I am a 36 year old that just realized I was born a woman, but has a penis and all the male features of a man. I will admit that I am kind of a pretty face and I hope to leverage that as I go through my transformation. You could say that I used to be an alpha-male, and I probably was.
This is going to sound unbelievable and I expect people to doubt this, but I swear its the truth! On the morning of December 8, 2012, I woke up and I felt completely different. I went online and I started looking at lingerie, cute panties, bras, and stockings. I couldn't stop looking at them and kept dreaming and fantasizing about wearing them until I reached orgasm. So, OK, usually right after something unusual like this you hit "post-orgasm depression,"...like, "What was that all about?...this was just a quick fantasy, right? The next morning, without any conscious effort, I went to the bathroom and shaved everything from my waist to my upper legs. I had to go to work and I kept looking at all kinds of women's clothing, from professional attire to sexy and slutty outfits. Without even thinking about it, I ordered 9 pairs of panties, some bandeau tops, stockings, etc.. None of these items have even arrived yet, so I hope I don't disappoint readers by telling you the truth that I haven't even worn a set of heels yet....but believe me, I am looking for nice sets of heels whenever I am not looking at all kinds of other clothing.
So the next day, I masturbate to women's clothes a couple of times and I am in awe of everything feminine. So then I have a couple of orgasms and so maybe I am over this little "phase" I am going through now that I have had a release. Quite the opposite! I started noticing everything about every woman I saw...and all of the things I used to look at a certain way, I was no longer focusing my attention on. I didn't care what her ass looked like, I wanted to know what my ass would look like in her jeans. I wanted the man she was with to be looking at me and undressing me with his eyes. Instead of subconsciously comparing myself to him, I was comparing myself to her. These feelings intensified for over 4 days and they have not let up a bit. I have done nothing with my free time but look at clothes, heels, wigs, TG forums, information about hormones, cosmetics, breast forms, etc.. Today I went online and bought lipstick, a cute pink mirror, tons of body wax, and perfume. I would have got some nails and eyelashes but I have no idea how to do any of that stuff....maybe you guys can help. I found some of the coolest TS/TG clothing sites, one which is called, suddenlyfem.com....that just really happens to explain how I feel this week...and I LOVE IT!...I am beyond obsessed right now. This is my life!
So I mentioned at the beginning of my blog that I realized that I will make a much better woman than a man. Since my discovery just a few days ago, I also noticed over that time, that I was a better person inside and out. I was not the angry grouch that I was before, I was now this beautiful, classy woman! I was much more patient with people and more understanding and I was able to communicate with people much better. I couldn't believe the changes I was noticing in myself...and I could tell that it was because I had fully accepted the fact that I am a woman. I would like to know if anyone else has ever experienced something similar....because I found it fascinating. All I know, is that I know who I am now, and I am ecstatic that I made this discovery. I cannot wait to begin the journey to becoming a woman in terms of how I look and act. When no one is looking, I am already practicing my mannerisms, how I stand, how I sit, how I walk, the things I say, how I say them...everything! I can already tell that this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know there is a long way to go and there is a lot that needs to be dealt with but I am embracing all of those challenges.
Today, after looking at clothes and all kinds of TG/TS forums and support sites for 9 hours or so, I made another big step, I gave myself a name and created a new identity for myself at facebook, twitter, gmail, etc.. My name, Amber, sounds somewhat similar to a name I was once given and I think it fits me, and it will fit my looks as I get further and further along my transition. Amber was officially born on 12/12/12.
So I am already wondering, "how far will I transition?" because I can already see my future. I am going all the way until I can live like a woman in my personal and professional life, but I have no desire to go through SRS, whatsoever...but you never know, that could change, too. After all, I never saw this coming. All I know, is that I am moving forward as a new person and a beautiful woman.
I really hope to get lots of encouragement, advice, and support from people. I think its awesome that I could start this blog now right as I have made this discovery and I hope to keep this going for a really long time. I need your support and encouragement and I will definitely need advice on what steps to take next and what I am doing right or wrong. You can expect my advice and support for whatever I am in a position to give. I would really like to hear from others who can relate to my experiences because I am still trying to fully understand how I made this discovery...and I am kind of upset that I didn't realize this much sooner, because I already feel amazing now that I have discovered and accepted the fact I am really a woman. I have really enjoyed sharing my experience with you in this blog and I hope to share much more.
Amber is born!
See you tomorrow,