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About this blog

This blog is dedicated to telling those who read the entries about my journey in hopes that something can be learned. 

Entries in this blog

I have been around a few people at various points in their journey and watched several specials on true stories of transitioning and come away with a not so surprising conclusion.

In most cases when a cisgender male who is married to a cisgender female comes out to her where she is accepting until he sets an hard date for gender reassignment surgery 99 percent get the eye's wide open thing going on, "he is really going to do it", "No more cisgender sex", "Wait a minute, I did not sign on for this".

Seems when the penis goes so do many spouses.

Now I don't believe it's just the penis as many married couples have less sexual encounters over the years it's now knowing conventional love making is out the door and the strong man they married is no more which comes from society drilling this into us from day one.

Can you truly blame the partner for wanting "out" of the relationship? 

In the minds of many non-traditionals (non-cisgender) we don't see things the same way the significant other sees things and I believe for some this can change.

 I would love to hear what others think on this topic.

 

WomanButterFly.jpgThe week started off with me finding a really cute (age appropriate) top that I love so I purchased two of them. I have a habit where if I like something be it clothing or not if it appeals to me two or three are in order. Then I received my results from my hormone test done last month. The results indicate that I am midways, smack in the center of the scale in three separate test.

Early on in the week I became friends with a younger woman (43 years old) whom I fibbed about my age, said I was 50, don't all woman lie about their age. At one point she said I looked younger than 50 which I then had to tell her the truth that I would be turning 59 shortly and was perfectly fine with her. She has invited me to her place next weekend for a BBQ and think she will become a good friend.

Today I made plans to visit Portland's Saturday Market with my best friend but she has issues with a kidney stone so instead will be meeting with an old female co-worker. Will most likely then visit my friend with the kidney stone as were I am having lunch with the other friend is 10 minutes away.

Thinking of the weather in recent weeks, I have been stripping down to the bare minimum for the over 90 degree weather, no bra nor panties while home wearing a comfortable  summer dress or tank top and panties. What a change from last summer when I had to tuck that thing between my legs which in hot weather made if difficult to keep tucked and comfortable. Did I mention this is the perfect time for thongs, so far I have purchased at least a dozen thongs in various colors and pattern. I don't wear them everyday but tend to wear them more so on the weekends as during the week it is nearly impossible to change pads often enough as I am fairly moist down there and tend to need pad changes several times a day even with good quality pads. Before surgery I was concerned a little that I would not be self lubricating but thankful that I am and more so when having erotic thoughts. I was told that at some point it may be somewhat uncomfortable in regards to stimulation of my clit in daily life. Believe it or not I was driving down the road and made some movement that got me so aroused that I had to pull my car off the road until the arousal went away else I could not concentrate on driving. That is such a wonderful feeling that unlike arousal of the penis this sticks with me for sometime and is slow to go away.

 

 

So in under six months I have gone through both gender reassignment surgery, tracheal shave and breast augmentation where three years ago I thought this would be impossible and now very happy that I am finished with surgeries as there is in my mind not much more that can be done that would make me happier.

I read about some who will get various parts of their face done to have the bone structure, hairline and eye's of a female and they might possibly benefit me to look more female but at what expense? Sure I can afford surgeries for better aligning my face to be more female yet that is in my opinion vanity at my age yet if I was in my early twenties I might had considered more surgery.

Sitting here right now I am truly content with the results and hope that others going down the path take their time with making decisions on what surgeries (if any) will make the the female or male they truly want/need to be. And remember, for some surgeries will bring peace while to others it may bring the complete reverse which can very well be worst than if never having surgeries.

Getting breast augmentation is reversible while genital surgery is not (well we could argue this in some cases) so please think long and hard before moving forward.

One happy female here that could not be happier :) 

PS (Yeah I'd be lying if I said I didn't want hips)   

 

For years I drove sensible cars for family at one point then later for travelling and teaching. Been thinking about getting a sports car and trading my Toyota 2005 Camry in for one but could never justify selling the Camry because it just runs and never breaks, only routine maintenance like oil change and tires for the most part.

Been checking out the Mazda Miata for a while and was told by a co-worker that the 2016 models were worth waiting for. So last month I got on the list and last night was informed one was in, top of the line (and the price tag to go with it, $30,000).

Took it out for a test spin this morning and I had to have it so I purchased it and went out driving in the country for an hour or so. Note I kept my Camry as it is a great investment and know full well it will come in handy a lot.

There are so many features and creature comforts such as voice control, bluetooth, GPS navigation, controls on the steering wheel in all makes you feel like being in the cockpit of a sophisticated airplane.   

My first choice would had been red but red sports cars get noticed on the highway and I always drive 80 MPH in the 65 MPH highway, never been ticketed (knock on wood), second choice was black and third was yellow so in my mind I am very satisfied with the color.

Please note that I came from a $20,000 a year paycheck to $100,000 paycheck that was not easy and now truly enjoying the year 2015. With no disrespect I hope this may light a fire under one or more people thinking they can never transition or have a decent life style because if you truly put your mind to something it is achievable.

 

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Teeth removal

By KarenPayne,

For about 12 months I've been dealing with a problem tooth where the dentist recommended a bridge at the cost of $4,000. I was able to deal with the pain for all this time and the motivation was using that money for all my surgeries. Last month my secondary dentist said that I would suggest just having it extracted and I ask if the one behind it could be removed, no issues but felt right.

So yesterday I had them removed. They spent about one hour with all sorts of preparations and about ten minutes to pull them and stitch them up.

It's been about just under 24 hours and there is only minor pain with (as always) limited usage of pain meds.

The hardest part is not being able to eat very many solid foods until Monday.

Interesting thing, I went to a all night restaurant for breakfast, got a Denver omelet where I told the cook ahead of time my condition and the waitress stepped in and gave suggestions to the cook. The waitress is currently in dental school and is very well educated as we chatted while waiting for my meal.

One of the tech's working at the dental office said if she was in my shoes she would of had both teeth removed. Oh, they did ask if I had any major surgery in the past 12 months, I only told them about my breast implants as I could tell they had no clue I was once a male and wanted to keep it that way. That is my new thing recently, if someone doesn't ask if I was male before I don't offer to tell them. Over the past year I have not been mis-gendered to my knowledge. I love the one incident at Macy's (or was it JC Penny's) where I was paying for a purchase, gave them my credit card, sale's lady stares at it for a few seconds and says "why would a mother name her daugher Kevin?" She then stares at me and said, no, this is your husbands card right?

I rolled me eye's and said, I could not figure out my mother. We both laughed and I was on my way.

 

Can I help

By KarenPayne,

Over the years I (and you most likely have too) have read countless stories of people transitioning with little or no support which is sad. With that said I would like to extend to those here if there is anything I can do shout out. If by chance you are having surgery with Marci Bowers in California with no support let me know, I will fly down for the day of surgery and the day after at the very least to provide support. I don’t want to see anyone take this path alone which is why I will do this and I pay my way entirely.

Perhaps in areas such as the East Coast other will assist if possible and if not I will consider making that trip too, after all I have been away from the East Coast way too long as my family keeps reminding me.

Now I am going to shut up :)

Unrecognized

By KarenPayne,

Last week I came home, get out of my car and my neighbor is with her sister. The sister lived here about five years ago and lived right next door to me while i prior to my transformation. 

So I chat with my neighbor and her sister doesn't say anything to me so I believe she does not approve of my transformation.

Today my neighbor informs me that her sister had no clue who I was and had asked her "what happen to Kevin", she replied "Karen was Kevin", her jaw dropped and responded with "I would had never guessed they were the same person". Then my neighbor told me about a year ago her husband and her were coming home, he says (pointing to me walking down the street) she is hot, she slaps him and says "do you know who that is?" before he could reply she explained things. She said that is why he had stopped saying good morning to me, he was embarrassed that he thought I was someone else. I told her he should not feel that way and next thing you know he started to say good morning again.

I find this all interesting that these things happen until I look at my old pictures from two years ago and my present appearance. 

One thing I always keep in mind is that one must first have some foundation in body and face for this to happen else facial surgery is required. I always can nit-pick myself thinking if I had this or that surgery I would look better but that time has gone, thirty years ago yes I would had some some of these surgeries but at just under 60 years old heck no.

Nail Salon today

So I went to get my nails filled, I got there 15 minutes early, said to one of the ladies, I need to use the restroom first. When I come out another worker said, "Karen, thought you were going in the back to get waxed" I said, the hairs on my leg don't grow anymore.

A customer, guessing well over sixty say "same here", another lady asked if I had been through menopause, you don't look that old.

Okay, quick thinking here, do I tell her about my past? Nope but when I blurt out my age out comes 50 then I stuttered...59. I am so use to telling new people I meet that I am 50 as when I tell them almost 60 we get into a conversation that I don't care to be in, Anyways what woman in her right mind tells her real age at my age?

So I use to get shellac which was $30, went to acrylic where the first time was $65 then $30. Today I was kind of shocked when the worker said twenty dollars for today, nice way to end the day :)  Acrylic is a great way to have french nails done and they are so much stronger then shellac. In the past two months I have not had any issues with acrylic while I did break a few nails with shellac.

 

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I was asked by a group of six to teach a empty hand defensive class today. My only limitation was to not go to the ground as I am still healing. Many of my techniques end up with me locking up an attacker in a manner that I can call the police and keep them at bay with just my legs and be on top of them.

Generally speaking for these types of classes I have one concept to teach and also allow the students to agree say on one common attack and work that into the concepts I teach. Lastly, I demonstrate what I call "Counter-for-counter" which in short means if they did "this" I do "that" and if they then do "something else" I counter and we can keep going as long as it takes but keeping in mind this is under 10-15 seconds which many think is cool but is not easy to learn which is why I push practice and repeating my class.

Oh, can't forget to show how to get out of being tied up with duct tape.

One of the students today is a repeat, a black belt and is always trying to counter my counters which is cool but so far have failed to come out on top. I really like this type of student because they challenge me to be better and every class I learn something new "Always a student, sometimes a teacher" is something I fully grasp and embrace.

Now what should I wear :rolleyes:

I forgot

By KarenPayne,

One of my Facebook friends is my daughter's best friend who posted that she closed the front door and the security latch got wedged into the door preventing it from opening and asked for help. Since I knew she lived closed by I replied with "I will help if you still need assistance". She gave me her address, five minutes from my home. Went over, I knocked on the front door and she came around from the back door. When she greeted me (she had not seen me in five years) no reactions or comments on my new look as female. Looked at the front door, figured out I needed to pry the door and by thinking ahead of time brought a pry-bar with me. Took two minutes to free the door then a minute to hammer a metal strip back into place. Turned to her and said "done", she thanked me and I left.

When I returned home she had sent me a private message

You look great by the way! I suppose I figured out what your trip to California was about and wow! Congrats on looking awesome!!

I guess she then scrolled through my Facebook notes and on one wrote

You are so beautiful. Really. Just so you know.

More validation for me. Perhaps this might nudge others down their chosen path of transitioning.

Female talk

By KarenPayne,

My mother called last night for chit-chat and to my surprise we got into a discussion about sex. Should I be surprised? Well before transitioning she would never talk about this subject but now its fair game. I have mentioned this before, before transitioning my mother and other females would never broach the subject about many female things and now it is the complete opposite.

Speaking to cisgender females is an entirely new ballgame, especially with my mother and my best female friend. Men have no clue to what females talk about and wonder if they think we are talking about. Personally, in the beginning I would listen more than talk but now I am getting into joining in as others prompt me too, guess they got tired of me not talking and just listening :)

Since my mother and brother who live 3,500 miles from me have not seen Karen I went and got some photos done. Before are a few of the photos. For my mother and brother (both live in the same house) I had three pictures framed together.

I elected to have the pictures taken with zero makeup so any and all flaws do show up and that is how I like it, natural.

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Everyday I have an hour lunch at work and usually take a 15 to 30 minute walk around the city. Today there was a sign up at the Red Cross asking for blood donations so I was inspired to drop in to see if I could give blood today. 

I walk in, ask if they could get blood from my in 30 minutes? They said that is possible. So I say the last time I was in was as a male. Got the usually statement such as "no way" so I produced my former driver licence and she stares at both for about thirty seconds, looks up, looks at both pictures again and then looks up and says, amazing.

I am then taken to a interview room (which they have done in the past), ask me a few questions then she says I have to ask my supervisor something. Comes back in five minutes and says if I want to donate I must use my born gender rather than my current gender.

I had many ways to reply but kept it dirt simple when she said "is that okay" I replied with "well I am female now, that's all that should matter and decline". She responded, I don't blame you at all and thanks for coming in.

If I had not told them about my transition all would had been fine but that is past history now. Would I do it different if I could go back in time knowing what I know now? Yes as the original reason was to link up my past blood donations with my current identity unless there was a crisis and then more likely than not they could care less. 

Bottom line for me is honesty.

Really???

By KarenPayne,

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Those who are cross-dressers that become transgender who are on a journey to gender reassignment surgery most likely have gone through the following. You felt compelled to dress in the opposite gender, may have been your mother's or sister's garments or you have been resourceful in some other way to obtain the opposite gender clothing.

It begins early in life, many just over five years old and as age is accumulated going to stores and clothing outlets in secret (for most) is how clothing is obtained. You hurry home to put on the clothing, look in the mirror and are happy and nervous at the same time, happy to be in the proper attire but nervous someone will come home to see you. Life continues and trans people become more resourceful by hiding clothing and put it on when nobody else is home or perhaps get a motel room, dress, go out and sadly at some point must disrobe and go home.

The above is but one permutation in how things might pan out and is not meant to cover everyone. Now for me I will not lie, I spent a lot of time out in clubs dressed extremely sexy but at the same time not overly done up with very high heels and tons of makeup. Have always be conservative even in sexy mode out at clubs. Time spun by and I fell into the "blend in" like other females in my area. Went home and either stayed dressed as I was at work (this is after gender surgery) or pj's. 

Now here is the kicker, over the past month I head straight for the bedroom, toss my clothes into the hamper and put on a tank top and a fresh pair of underwear. Some might call this de evolution, say what, spent all the money and time to become a female and not dress as one???

Here is what I believe to be true, I am so comfortable in my own skin that why cover it up? When friends drop by unannounced I have either a skirt or shorts to put on quickly.

Read this far? If so here is what I would suggest from what I wrote above and what I have not written is that so many who are transitioning feel they must either dress well, dress sexy to enforce their self image of a woman they can lose sight of the bigger picture which is to simply enjoy life, blend in to the woodwork in regards to not dressing up but instead elegantly dressing to the average woman. I have many female friends who at home after work will get comfy as I do (well maybe not down to their underwear yet in this heat maybe).

It is critical during your one year trial period to become relaxed and comfortable with "everything" else one can worry themselves to death and we all need down time.

PS Feel that I am missing something??? But than again maybe not. I encourage others to voice their opinions.

 

 

 

 

When to my best friend's today, we went to the mall for coffee and shopping. Didn't get to far, we are walking thru Macy's and she says, I want to get my upper lip done. So while standing there are sale's person asked if I wanted to have her do a make-up session.

I thought, what the heck so I said yes.

I told her that I am not much for makeup but would consider her doing it but was very interested in my eye area.

As she is going through each step I am being told what she is doing and after doing one eye shows me compared to the undone eye. Since it was day time my eye's were done for day time. Next she did my face and contoured my eye brows.

You really can't see the great job performed on me, it's not loud, instead it bends in nicely.

How much did I spend EEK, $140 for makeup and better brushes.

Next morning update: One attempt at doing my eye's, got it the first time!!! Also added a picture of the various products and note that the products are only for my eye's, five products with instructions on paper underneath. Did not include the brushes. One of the most important things is the "DONT STRAY" which is foundation. Yesterday the woman put eye makeup on her arm then another spot with foundation followed by eye makeup (top right) an sprayed both with water. One ran while the other did not. The mascara is to dye for. All the colors I purchased are perfect for my complexion. 

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So recently I moved from the smaller dilator to the medium dilator, first time was painful the whole time but got a little better each time yet was still painful.

Tonight I just finished and very happy that there was almost no pain. If things progress as they have been I should be good by say Sunday.

Any ways the purpose of this entry is too tell others who will go down this path is that in the beginning it is no picnic but does get better. :)

eek not looking forward to the larger one :(

Mornings

By KarenPayne,

For 99% of the days since surgery I have bad mornings. Most of them I wake up way too early. Many of them I feel nausea to some extent and just down right crappy. Usually take a two hour nap within two hours of waking up.

I have noticed the past few days that I am starting to feel better.

What really makes me feel normal is right after morning dilation and a nice hot shower.

Anyways thought others going down this path might be alerted to you too may experience this too.

This is going to sound strange and perhaps obscured too many yet I have to question the validity of the real world and what is beyond or parallel to the known world.

Although I infrequently visited my sister while alive when we did there was this connection between us, same when we talked on the phone coast to coast. When I had not seen her because we lived on different coast I did not think about her but when I visited her and her husband in 2004 not seeing her for ten years it was fantastic yet I let things slip again until she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2013. I only called her twice after that and was told by my mother after she passed that she was upset with me for not calling her more. Of course I felt emotional and wished I had called her more.

Yesterday it really hit me that she was gone and I, Karen was born. I was essentially conceived in 2013 as this was when I affirmed my decision to become Karen and leave Kevin behind. Is it a coincident that Karen was conceived when my sister passed? Yesterday when my mind conjured this up I could not stop thinking of the things that transpired then. For me I have experienced and witness things in my past that make me pause and contemplate "what if" there is something else besides this physical life which comes from a person who without witnessing things in my past that defy laws that govern our physical known world could exists? I wrestled with this all day yesterday and has seeped into today and think it will haunt me as there is no way I can come to terms with a reasoning behind this special and unexplainable connection between my sister and me. Did my sister have to pass for Karen to emerge or is it something my mind conjured up to make sense of the loss of my sister. I think a therapist could rationalize these thoughts with a plausible response but I think that my mind will still go back to my current reasoning’s which as mentioned before defies all known logic. Guess I will have to accept that this cannot be answered and live life in her honor.

Right now I am flooded with emotions.

Over the past year I have been sharing my journey which hopefully was of some use but now I am need of concentrating on another aspect of my life with requires a good deal of attention so during the next few weeks will be limiting my time here and will stop visiting here shortly. Hopefully I can make it back here in the future. For those interested I will be keeping up from time to time on my WordPress blog. Lastly, it has been wonderful getting to know people here.

Best wishes for those on their journeys!!!

Road trip

By KarenPayne,

My daugher is going to move from the Philadelphia Pennsylvania  to Portland Oregon (20 minutes from my place) this coming Spring. I told her it would not be cost efficient to have her car taken on a train and a bad idea to sell it as the car is fairly new.

In my late thirties I made the trip in four days across country (three times in three years in my forties) but thirty years later will more likely than not need one or two more days. So in total I am going to take two weeks off from work for this. Two days will be visiting my mother, brother and old friends (they are aware of my transition and fine with this).

So I am flying out and driving the car back. Was just thinking that why not throw out this to this forum and others that might live between the two points to see if they might be interested in a visit? Would love to have the opportunity to get to see faces that are at this time only on the web. 

 

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Well 2015 is coming to a close, have squeezed a lot into this year in regards to surgeries, lots of paperwork and a brand new car and very satisfied with the results. Four years ago this was entirely a dream, seemingly out of reach because I could not give up what I had in regards to teaching self-defense but then realized that I had crammed many years into teaching and as much as I enjoyed teaching I could finally kiss it goodbye to make myself happy overall.

My guess is that many wrestle with similar aspects when they are certain that transitioning is right for them and hope that those riding the line, struggling with making the decision to move forward do so and don't procrastinate but instead stall progress if they feel as I did, unsure what the future might be. For many uncertainty is "will I still have a job", "acceptance from family and friends", "emotional battles from waiting" etc.

I know my surgery was right from many telling me I look content, smile (was told I rarely smiled) often, love female privilege, learning to leave male privilege behind as if I never had them.

I do struggle with silly things like being able to play guitar with decent length nails, changing pads often when wearing a thong (took a long time to master the back end of the pad), what clothes should I wear today (and rummage through through clothes on the floor often rather than the closet), did I wear that outfit already this week?

My taste in movies has change, last night I watched "the age of Adaline" which I would had never watched two years ago but now would even consider purchasing it. I watched it for a dollar so even if I didn't like it no big deal.

I experience life completely different emotionally both good and bad. There are day that all I want to do is stay in bed and most times have no clue why while 99 percent of the time I am very happy.

Still more attracted to females than males and there has been several times in the past few months I was putty to both genders.

I am fully embracing life both good and bad and excited for what comes next.

Every twelve months I am required to check in to my doctor for blood work in regards to me continuing on estradiol and spironolactone (anti-androgen). She indicated that there is no need to continue taking spironolactone since this is for blocking testosterone which I don’t have anymore.

Had a discussion on dilation, she transitioned 20 years ago so once a day for her. She sits in a warm bath tub and uses baby shampoo for liberation, think I will need to try this for the middle dilation of the day. Also talked about breast implants which I told her I have an appointment with a surgeon in several days. She asked, do you spray when urinating? I did for about three weeks and now everything comes out as it should. On a side note I am very happy about this as it felt strange peeing and having pee on my legs.

Now here is something I found interesting, she believes that transitioning is one of the most difficult paths a human take embark on. As we know many want to but do not because of monetary issues or physiological issues. Then there are some who manage to have GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) but in one way or another end up a failure which in some cases leads to death. I am fortunate to have many people help me along the way and it help that I had the mindset and the motivation to take the right path on my journey of life.

Thinking of "difficult path", I think nobody can deny that at one time or another we entertain our worst nightmares. I will be the first to admit to this were I would go to bed with horrible thoughts that I would never become the female on the outside that needed to happen. I can not even imagine some peoples nightmares were getting to the point they need to be will never happen, not the right support, lacking in funds and no real support from family, friends and co-workers. Then on the other side of the coin we have physical transformation which provides a huge step in "the" journey but also have many downsides. Downsides (my fav) like dilation, w/o hormones your body does not naturally produce them. How about finding a partner to love, that can be a path filled with happiness or depression, a true roller-caster. Neither path is peaches and crème but for me I am truly happy (except for dilation) and welcome what lies ahead and prey that those travelling this path never, ever give up finding their true selves.

In closing this in many ways has been an (in a good way)emotional day, this is what hormones do and I welcome them (except when my mascara runs).