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Yesterday while standing outside on break at work I hear someone say “hey you”, turned, looked around and here is a trans person whom I’ve known but have not seen in ages standing there. I said hi, she comes over and we hug. She is around 30 years old and when she (from what I remember) doing well (on her meds) very passable other than her voice. Well I could tell she was not well shaven facial wise and was very loud when chatting with her.

There was a couple about 50 feet away that could not take their eyes off her and know full well that it was from her appearance, partly female, partly male.  It was not one or two glances over in our direction but many over say (I was not keeping time) ten minutes. I felt like saying something but decided not too as it could very well have gone in a direction that I did not care for and was on break at work while if not at work would had said something.

The take-a-way from this is if you are looking to present as one gender than make an effort while if your are fluid it doesn’t matter yet this person is looking to be totally female and have surgery. Also, people say in general they are accepting of trans but we all know there are some who are not and need to be cognitive to this as some do mean us harm.  

From the day I first presented myself (after surgery) as female clothing, mannerism and voice needed to be there and made sure it was. This is not to say it’s wrong to go against the grain but if so be prepared for blowback be it people staring, saying nasty things or physical, be aware is the bottom line


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Dear Karen,

When someone is loud and unkempt, trans or cisgender, male or female, Straight or Gay, this could mean low self-esteem, under the influence, or mental illness, especially if you recall them in times past as "well put together." You are wise to back off graciously in public, as this person could create an unpleasant scene.

The time to give such a person support is in private, but I would not go into their home or invite them into yours. Your personal safety is paramount.

This really brings home the point that a person can change dramatically, even in a short period of time.

Your friend,



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To me what you described is the classic Ugly American. Trans or not they have little regard for what is appropriate behavior. Like talking on their cell phone (or worse, via Skype on their laptop) in a coffee shop they aren't aware of the social cues or just don't care.

Regardless, I agree completely with you, Karen, that part of becoming ourselves is to be a woman. Lots of models to choose from of course! I'm not saying we need to be delicate flowers or anything like that, but to be accepted as a woman especially by cis women means occupying our space similar to the way they do. 

As Monica suggested, perhaps in private over a glass of wine or coffee, I'd advise your associate to be observant of how women are dressed, carry themselves, and interact with men and women, and model their behavior accordingly. Have fun with it. It's like learning a new language and in most cultures natives just love it when they see us trying to make an effort. 

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There are some trans people (cisgender as well) that I don't care to be around because they become a spectacle everywhere they go, whether through appearance, mannerisms, speech or behavior.

I agree we should be free to live our lives however we want, but the reality is different. 

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yea i think that ppl think that just because trangender is on the headlines that its ok and acceptable and most time its not. some of us are forced to just adapt to environment and cant be who we are. it sucks becaus i feel like im alway going to be trapped in this. i go back and forth between confindent and security minded. i try to relax but i no the state of my life and where im at. its hard to try move byond this. having to go back and forth between two identities is hard but i do it because i dont want to get killed. it bother me a lot. my friend say its ok to just be a girl, but my confidence goes from high to low quick if someone say something. half the time i forget to act like a man when im dressed like one which im sure come off strange to ppl but that my inner confidence coming out. i feel like im in this halfway state at all times a hybrid and i hate it. no one will say anything to me. tonight i went to the store and this two guys were talking and get quiet and then one of them like, no thats a f----ing girl. and i just kept walking but then i come back to my neighborhood and my roomie has told everone im a man so i have to dress the part here and it make me uncomfortable espeically when she want to talk about my laundry items outdoors with the neighbors listening. top it all off, now im having the breasts which great except summertime coming and i dont no how that going to go over with everone thinking im a man where i live.

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Dear Kitrah,

You have a right to be concerned/afraid and my suggestion is to come out slowly, and to do your research before coming out, by reading all you can on the topic as well as quality counseling.

Suggest you as others here how they came out as transgender.

In my case, I came out as a Lesbian over a period of time with a lot of support from the T/LGB community.

Yours truly,


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