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About this blog

This blog is dedicated to telling those who read the entries about my journey in hopes that something can be learned. 

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Well it has been just under three months since I began hormones and when I got undressed for my morning shower this morning I noticed my breast seemed to have grown a bit since I last checked them. I have read many articles about how long it takes for breast too grow and from the get go made a pack not to be disappointed if they 1. did not grow in the first couple of months 2. did not get to at least a B cup as my mother is a full C cup. Oh, my left breast (and heard this is to be expected) is slightly larger than my right breast but not extremely noticeable.

My doctor who is a MTF told me that I had many facial features of a female including soft skin so I expect there will not be a huge difference with softening of my skin.


An interesting thought about the hair (and this will more likely than not sound crazy) is all my life I've had dreams I live several hundred years ago as a female which I discarded, thinking my mind was playing tricks on me. Back around 2005 I met a woman and had a short relationship and distinctly remembering I saw her as an old soul. So one night after we pleasured each other she came out and said that she truly believed that we were together in another life where she was a male and I was a female. I found it interesting that she by telling me this brought new light to my dreams as she said it was a very long time ago.


Received a call from Marci Bower's office, SRS is scheduled for 1/27/2015. When I submitted a date for surgery it was simply 1/2015, Robin indicated that January would work. Amazing, that is how far they are booked out too.


One year from this date I will be under the knife for SRS, seems like a long time but before I know it the date will be here.


My very best friend, a female who I see about every other weekend has been coaching me with walking as a female and for the time being have found my stride is much slower than it has been in the past. I did take lessons that included walking about 20 years ago but with time without practice, what was learned has faded away. There are so many little things that seem not to make sense until someone points them out especially when they video tape you like my best friend does. Here I thought I was doing great, especially with my voice but I can see clearly, how small differences in how one walks can go a long way with how one presents themselves.


Yesterday went visited with my best friend, had a good time chatting over coffee then out for Chinese followed by crazy shopping for different types of chocolate. When her daughter saw me she said that she was wearing almost the exact same outfit I was and said I had great taste.

Oh, Friday my touchups for my eyeliner went well. Less pain than the last time and no having issues opening my eyes on Saturday which happened the first time and was expecting it this time but nope, no problems. Should be all healed up by Tuesday just in time to head back to work.


Yesterday I went to H&R Block for tax preparation with a person whom I have been dealing with for years. I told her that my surgery was planned for 1/2015, she is researching if I can take SRS as a tax deducting which would reduce my amount to pay for 2015. If possible, that is great if not no big deal but would be nice. Also told her about changing my name and she said even if I do and need to call in make sure I explain about the name change otherwise they will not find me in their database. Jeez, things there are so many things that one does not consider when going thru this process.


Bumped into an old girl friend last night while shopping, she was taken back by me as a female but was alright with me after we chatted for a while. One thing she said was "well that explains a lot", I asked her what do you mean? She said that it meant that I was very good at pleasuring her and that I was very good at hitting the rights spots and we both giggled. She wants to keep in touch and go out shopping with me in the near future :)


Several days ago I noticed my cheeks now have a blush look to them all the time. Yesterday at my electrolysis session (currently doing brow touch ups after having permanent cosmetics done) and the operator said I had a few pimples which I had noticed and she was wondering if this was because of HRT which I said most likely it is.

This morning I brought my car in for brake replacements and while sitting there waiting for the van to pick me up for a ride home the mechanic came out, looked at me for a few seconds (I was the only one there) and then said, is your husband here? I asked whom are you referring too? He said my name and at that very moment thought quickly, said I was his wife and answered his questions.


The following entry just flowed out of my brain (thinking more female now) in no specific order.

Three weeks ago went into my dentist (been seeing them for 20 years this July) office to make an appointment and the receptionist stood silent for a while staring at me. Finally she put two and two together and realized who I was but I could see in her eyes she was not sold on “this is him” and I will say my clothing was leggings which she could not see with a light jacket open that exposed my chest which anyone could see I had breast. I said I need an appointment but first need to explain what is going on with me. Spent roughly five minutes giving her the highlights and her response was ‘we support you’!!! The ‘we’ I should indicate that her husband is the dentist and she was speaking for both of them.

Went back the following week to get a filling and before he started said everyone in the office knows and have their full support. After giving me anesthesia, he asked if I mind answering a few questions, which I did. He did asked what should he call me and my reply was, my male name as I may end up changing my female name and this would avoid confusion.

Fast forward, this last Monday I had a ‘every six month’ appointment to check up for HRT. I just got out of my car and received a call from my dentist indicating that he and his family were going on vacation and wanted to check up on me before leaving as the entire office would be closed and I had pending issues (very long story). I think that was so nice of them to make sure I was okay.

Two weeks ago, I am getting out of my car and a female neighbor who did not know (or so I thought, will get to that shortly) about me said “you look lovely”, I smile and said thank you and went in the house. Several days pass and I see her again and this time she said ‘are you changing your name?’. So I took the initiative to explain everything to her and while explaining my road the neighbor next to her came out and got into the conversation. I told both of them my reasons for not saying anything in the past and they said, heck we knew something was going on LOL. So now I have two new girl friends and their husbands are onboard with me too.

Everyone is telling me I look much more feminine now. I finally stood in front of the mirror and did not see it. Then just last Saturday one of my close friends and her daughter went out shopping, did a picture of us and she sent it to me. Got home and was stunned seeing myself thinking, yes I really do look more feminine. Yesterday was at my monthly therapy appointment and told her about this and she said ‘yes you indeed look more feminine’.

Oh my, I am now on my second closet of clothes giggle.

I truly cried watching a movie just now, Winter’s Tale and know it’s the hormones. And I cried a lot.

Have been told by several that my breast have grown but not that much and have no expectations at this time knowing that this takes time.

Last but very important, I found a professional to do my genital hair removal. Not looking forward to this but just the same I am ready to get it over with. Funny I have no issues with SRS but do with genital hair removal.


Today I start electrolysis for my privates in preparation for SRS. I was given a prescription to numb the pain, hopefully it will not be too painful.


First off the electrolysis on 7/22 on my private area was great. I thought it would be extremely painful but with the cream I was given it truly numbed things down. Now I would be telling a lie if I said there was no pain, what I experienced was a mild burning sensation and was gone quickly.

Been noticing less and less people see me as male including those who have known me for about 20 years. This makes me extremely happy to say the least.


Not sure what has gotten over me but all of the sudden I went on a shopping trip yesterday on a mission to find colorful plain bras. Nothing new in regards to finding the right size, if it were not for sizing issues I would easily had been to one or two stores and been done with it. I wear a 36C which seems to be a very popular size and with that hard to find. Next up, one of the stores had what I wanted but they were super padded (range goes from 1-3) and I want no more than a 1 if I was forced into padding. So of all places I struck gold at Walmart while Macy's, Target and JC Penny were three strikes and I did have luck at Macy's before. Downside to Walmart bras is they are not as well constructed thinking of longevity more than comfort as the high end bras were no more comfortable then the lower end bras.


I have noticed a few subtle changes in the past few weeks; first, I get slightly more emotional when watching chick flicks and my desire for coffee is changing to tea. And my breast have grown slightly, not much but indeed noticeable.


I am using two ladies for electrolysis, one started on my arm-pits today and was pleasantly surprised it was not that much pain unlike the work being done for preparing for surgery. At first I did not feel much pain but there are areas she is hitting now that are at a level 7 pain level. I think that is as far on the pain scale that I should get thank goodness. Anyways it looks like I will need to continue until December to complete the work which is getting done one hour each week.

Lots of friends keeping asking me if I am getting excited as my surgery date gets closer? I tell them the best thing for me is not to think about it otherwise I would be counting the hours so at this point I am simply focusing on today and not counting the hours. I would be totally lying if I said this in December, I will be counting down the time to surgery no doubt.


I have been avoiding going to the local Guitar Center mainly from a few people who I rarely see and usually it there. I am desperate for a new guitar tuner as the current tuner the display is dim and hard to read. So I throw on a jacket over my female clothes so that I am kind of androgynous so to speak but really I still look female. I enter the store and a guy greets me “Hello, have not seen you for a long time” and I said hello back. He then asked if I needed help, told him about my tuner and he said I have one for you. He then took me over to where it was, demonstrated it and I said I will take one. He gets another sales person to assist and says to him; her current tuner is the old model and she wants to upgrade to the new model so can you ring this up for her. He does so and I leave and once in my car wondered why he thought I was female even though I was dressed androgynous. I failed to figure it out until I told the story to my best female friend. She asked, did you speak like you are right now? Then it dawned on me, I did not drop into my male voice and told me friend this. She said, if I did not know you I would had pegged you as female. She then insisted I speak like a male, I did and then it was a double whammy that reinforced my experience at Guitar Center.

I remember this time last year I was struggling to stay in a female tone and now I struggle to be male. I never in my dreams thought it would be like this and very happy now.

Book signing

I received an email today saying there would be a book signing for a book which I am part of telling my story of transitioning with others. My first thought is shoes so off to Target and found a lovely pair shown below. It’s interesting in that I use to wear high heels often and now if I remember it has been years since I wore heels even though I own enough to fill the back side of a closet. So it is time to get back into walking properly in heels which at least for me I do walk different in 4 or 5 inch heels then my daily flats.

I am going with my best friend so I know it will be a blast and always nice to meet new people.



I get into the elevator at work; there is one woman already on the elevator. Doors closes, she looks at me and says (actually I forget the exact words) who do you like to be addressed? I know what she is referring too and said, “It’s obvious to you?” and she replied with ‘I am reading a strong female presence from you’. It is not that long of a ride and we both get off on the same floor with nobody around. She told me that a woman in her family is transitioning from female to male, which is one of the reasons she felt comfortable talking to me. I asked her if I was presenting male or myself more as a female? Her response was easily female. I really felt good about this conversation afterwards.

Later in the day, I have a six-month review with my boss, which is all positive. When we are ready to wrap things up and he asked if I mind telling me about my surgery. Side note, I have no disclosed to anyone I work with about my transition. He then says it is okay if I am not comfortable with telling him.

Months ago I decided if anyone ask at work other than my boss I would not reveal what my surgery was. So I told him and from his facial expression told me he already figured it out and is supportive. He also asked about me telling others. I told him my plan was to first met with HR then a private meeting with my immediate team to disclose my transition and that when I return what to expect, he was also fine with this.


I was sitting at work eating lunch at my desk when a call came through with no caller ID. I said hello (if I know the caller i say Hi this is Karen or Hi this is Kevin), the woman on the other end said 'is this Karen', got up and walk to an area I could talk. It was Robin from Doctor Bower's office confirming my surgeries and told me to expect a packet shortly to being their process with me.

The only question I had was to find out which day I needed to be there as they want you there one or two days ahead of time. My hope was one day as hotel rooms cost $170 per night and was hoping for Monday (surgery is Tuesday) rather than Friday as I did not want to spend Thursday driving down, meet on Friday and then having to stay thru the weekend, that would be costly. She replied, we want you here Monday morning, I shied knowing I could get there on Sunday.

Over the past year I tried not to think about geez, 12 months to go and for the most part have done a decent job of it. Now I am getting a tad bit like how many days to go???

So to top it off a lawyer friend of mine who I asked to assist me with name and gender changes text me today and said let's have coffee on Saturday to start a discussion on what needs to be done. She is very supportive of my transition which is very important to me.



Gauging how hormones have affected my sex drive. First off I have always and still into females for the record.

I distinctly remember in 2007 very attracted to a female that when with her I was pretty much aroused all the time. Side note, the relationship failed but she remained friends with me and will be with me for surgery.

In 2013, still felt very sexually attracted to females that caused a reaction down there. I started hormones at the end of 2013 and every couple of weeks checked to see if the plumbing still worked which it has until June of 2014 were I could still pleasure myself but was not aroused as one year prior.

Present day, seldom do I even consider pleasuring myself but still see females as whom I want to be with if I was to consider a relationship but that is not in the picture until after surgery.

Something I just realized, I use to have an erection for the morning trip to the toilet, that does not happen now.

Before I began hormones, I heard this would happen and it did and I am perfectly comfortable with this and look to the future to how it will be to experience sex as a female.


Just had coffee at a StarBucks with a friend who use to practice law were the focus was on her assisting me with the process of changing my name. I have known her since 2001 and we never touched physically but today she hugged me, said afterwards "my your hair is much longer since last time I saw you" (which was about two months ago).

Any ways she gave me a packet of forms to fill out and get back to her for next weekend which in turn she has the electronic document and will input my information into them then on to the next step. I am waiting to change my name after surgery so I can include the gender change as well.


Today I spoke with HR and told them I was transitioning, there were no bad reactions at all. I did ask them if there was a plan in place for which restroom I will be using or if I could use any female restroom? He did not know but would find out (as I see it as I could use any female restroom but we will see). Also signed one name petition document and notarized. My legal counsel will submit my documents tomorrow.


My legal assistant took all my forms that I filled out and redid them on the computer. She then gave me one that needed to be notarized, got it done, gave her the form. Then asked, how long, she said if all went well two weeks. Well she went to file the name change and the clerk said she filled out the wrong form. The right form had no County name while the wrong form had my County name. So she has printed off another copy and will give it to me tomorrow, and yes I will get it notarized ASP. Funny how I was in no rush to get this done but now that the process is underway I am excited.

More to follow as my journey continues...


The curious case of Benjamin Buttons, while watching this movie I had emotions that have never been there before. Half the time I was on the verge of crying, something new for me. Over all in the past week I have been noticing dramatic changes in emotions and just fine with it. :)

Everyday I have an hour lunch at work and usually take a 15 to 30 minute walk around the city. Today there was a sign up at the Red Cross asking for blood donations so I was inspired to drop in to see if I could give blood today. 

I walk in, ask if they could get blood from my in 30 minutes? They said that is possible. So I say the last time I was in was as a male. Got the usually statement such as "no way" so I produced my former driver licence and she stares at both for about thirty seconds, looks up, looks at both pictures again and then looks up and says, amazing.

I am then taken to a interview room (which they have done in the past), ask me a few questions then she says I have to ask my supervisor something. Comes back in five minutes and says if I want to donate I must use my born gender rather than my current gender.

I had many ways to reply but kept it dirt simple when she said "is that okay" I replied with "well I am female now, that's all that should matter and decline". She responded, I don't blame you at all and thanks for coming in.

If I had not told them about my transition all would had been fine but that is past history now. Would I do it different if I could go back in time knowing what I know now? Yes as the original reason was to link up my past blood donations with my current identity unless there was a crisis and then more likely than not they could care less. 

Bottom line for me is honesty.

When to my best friend's today, we went to the mall for coffee and shopping. Didn't get to far, we are walking thru Macy's and she says, I want to get my upper lip done. So while standing there are sale's person asked if I wanted to have her do a make-up session.

I thought, what the heck so I said yes.

I told her that I am not much for makeup but would consider her doing it but was very interested in my eye area.

As she is going through each step I am being told what she is doing and after doing one eye shows me compared to the undone eye. Since it was day time my eye's were done for day time. Next she did my face and contoured my eye brows.

You really can't see the great job performed on me, it's not loud, instead it bends in nicely.

How much did I spend EEK, $140 for makeup and better brushes.

Next morning update: One attempt at doing my eye's, got it the first time!!! Also added a picture of the various products and note that the products are only for my eye's, five products with instructions on paper underneath. Did not include the brushes. One of the most important things is the "DONT STRAY" which is foundation. Yesterday the woman put eye makeup on her arm then another spot with foundation followed by eye makeup (top right) an sprayed both with water. One ran while the other did not. The mascara is to dye for. All the colors I purchased are perfect for my complexion. 




Teeth removal

By KarenPayne,

For about 12 months I've been dealing with a problem tooth where the dentist recommended a bridge at the cost of $4,000. I was able to deal with the pain for all this time and the motivation was using that money for all my surgeries. Last month my secondary dentist said that I would suggest just having it extracted and I ask if the one behind it could be removed, no issues but felt right.

So yesterday I had them removed. They spent about one hour with all sorts of preparations and about ten minutes to pull them and stitch them up.

It's been about just under 24 hours and there is only minor pain with (as always) limited usage of pain meds.

The hardest part is not being able to eat very many solid foods until Monday.

Interesting thing, I went to a all night restaurant for breakfast, got a Denver omelet where I told the cook ahead of time my condition and the waitress stepped in and gave suggestions to the cook. The waitress is currently in dental school and is very well educated as we chatted while waiting for my meal.

One of the tech's working at the dental office said if she was in my shoes she would of had both teeth removed. Oh, they did ask if I had any major surgery in the past 12 months, I only told them about my breast implants as I could tell they had no clue I was once a male and wanted to keep it that way. That is my new thing recently, if someone doesn't ask if I was male before I don't offer to tell them. Over the past year I have not been mis-gendered to my knowledge. I love the one incident at Macy's (or was it JC Penny's) where I was paying for a purchase, gave them my credit card, sale's lady stares at it for a few seconds and says "why would a mother name her daugher Kevin?" She then stares at me and said, no, this is your husbands card right?

I rolled me eye's and said, I could not figure out my mother. We both laughed and I was on my way.


I have been around a few people at various points in their journey and watched several specials on true stories of transitioning and come away with a not so surprising conclusion.

In most cases when a cisgender male who is married to a cisgender female comes out to her where she is accepting until he sets an hard date for gender reassignment surgery 99 percent get the eye's wide open thing going on, "he is really going to do it", "No more cisgender sex", "Wait a minute, I did not sign on for this".

Seems when the penis goes so do many spouses.

Now I don't believe it's just the penis as many married couples have less sexual encounters over the years it's now knowing conventional love making is out the door and the strong man they married is no more which comes from society drilling this into us from day one.

Can you truly blame the partner for wanting "out" of the relationship? 

In the minds of many non-traditionals (non-cisgender) we don't see things the same way the significant other sees things and I believe for some this can change.

 I would love to hear what others think on this topic.


For years I drove sensible cars for family at one point then later for travelling and teaching. Been thinking about getting a sports car and trading my Toyota 2005 Camry in for one but could never justify selling the Camry because it just runs and never breaks, only routine maintenance like oil change and tires for the most part.

Been checking out the Mazda Miata for a while and was told by a co-worker that the 2016 models were worth waiting for. So last month I got on the list and last night was informed one was in, top of the line (and the price tag to go with it, $30,000).

Took it out for a test spin this morning and I had to have it so I purchased it and went out driving in the country for an hour or so. Note I kept my Camry as it is a great investment and know full well it will come in handy a lot.

There are so many features and creature comforts such as voice control, bluetooth, GPS navigation, controls on the steering wheel in all makes you feel like being in the cockpit of a sophisticated airplane.   

My first choice would had been red but red sports cars get noticed on the highway and I always drive 80 MPH in the 65 MPH highway, never been ticketed (knock on wood), second choice was black and third was yellow so in my mind I am very satisfied with the color.

Please note that I came from a $20,000 a year paycheck to $100,000 paycheck that was not easy and now truly enjoying the year 2015. With no disrespect I hope this may light a fire under one or more people thinking they can never transition or have a decent life style because if you truly put your mind to something it is achievable.


Click to enlarge

WomanButterFly.jpgThe week started off with me finding a really cute (age appropriate) top that I love so I purchased two of them. I have a habit where if I like something be it clothing or not if it appeals to me two or three are in order. Then I received my results from my hormone test done last month. The results indicate that I am midways, smack in the center of the scale in three separate test.

Early on in the week I became friends with a younger woman (43 years old) whom I fibbed about my age, said I was 50, don't all woman lie about their age. At one point she said I looked younger than 50 which I then had to tell her the truth that I would be turning 59 shortly and was perfectly fine with her. She has invited me to her place next weekend for a BBQ and think she will become a good friend.

Today I made plans to visit Portland's Saturday Market with my best friend but she has issues with a kidney stone so instead will be meeting with an old female co-worker. Will most likely then visit my friend with the kidney stone as were I am having lunch with the other friend is 10 minutes away.

Thinking of the weather in recent weeks, I have been stripping down to the bare minimum for the over 90 degree weather, no bra nor panties while home wearing a comfortable  summer dress or tank top and panties. What a change from last summer when I had to tuck that thing between my legs which in hot weather made if difficult to keep tucked and comfortable. Did I mention this is the perfect time for thongs, so far I have purchased at least a dozen thongs in various colors and pattern. I don't wear them everyday but tend to wear them more so on the weekends as during the week it is nearly impossible to change pads often enough as I am fairly moist down there and tend to need pad changes several times a day even with good quality pads. Before surgery I was concerned a little that I would not be self lubricating but thankful that I am and more so when having erotic thoughts. I was told that at some point it may be somewhat uncomfortable in regards to stimulation of my clit in daily life. Believe it or not I was driving down the road and made some movement that got me so aroused that I had to pull my car off the road until the arousal went away else I could not concentrate on driving. That is such a wonderful feeling that unlike arousal of the penis this sticks with me for sometime and is slow to go away.




My life lessons started early on from confrontations on the streets of Philadelphia with no formal training. I looked into various forms of martial arts through the years and found that not one was all-inclusive for real confrontations. Another thing about sticking just simply martial arts in general is that they are classroom based, what I call a close environment as appose to an open environment where you are in street clothes, placed in real life situations. Closed environment training is usually by the numbers in the beginning then move to instinctive forms of the numbered techniques. With the numbered techniques, there might be a drill where two students practice a counter to an attack working through a series of attacks. The underlying issue is that many people will lose interest before moving into the instinctive level, which is when you “do” rather than “think” than “do” as in the OODA (Observe, Orient, Decide and Act). Many of these people believe at this point they have a good skill level because of the training but have never been in a violent encounter, which is the number one phobia, interpersonal human aggression. When asked what form of self-defense best I will reply as is stated above, none of them outside of may be Krav Maga. Krav Maga works with human instinct rather than doing something that is not natural. With that laid out, I have been teaching self-defense training professionally for the past 12 years. My classes are eight hours long where the main focus is empty hand tactics to stop an attack and get away or to stop without the use of weapons or to transition to a weapon. Referring to the Force Continuum escalation of force is empty hand to impact device to firearm. One of the universal weapons for personal protection is a device known as a Kubaton. The Kubaton (see link below) is legal to carry in most states but usually not permitted on airplanes or in courtrooms. To get around these restrictions many companies offer a tactical pen, which are both a pen and an impact device. Also flashlights such as Mini-Mag brand flashlight is great too.

No matter what your decision is for self-defense your number one tool is your brain followed by how fast you can get out of Dodge. I am a highly trained person but will avoid confrontations to no end unless backed into a corner and physically defending me is the last option but if the need arises, I will “do” not “think” and “do.”

I mention that I teach, in the trans and gay community I offer free eight hour long classes in my area but do charge for travel expenses when classes are outside a 50 mile radius of where I live.

The image above is me (on the left) teaching in male mode back several years. The woman is practicing a technique to circumvent a 200LB male from him grabbing her. The end goal is to smash his head into her knee and scrap his hand on the concrete.


Kubaton http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kubotan

Tactical pen example http://www.knifecent...KUdatarq=crtpen

Recommended book: Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion http://www.amazon.co...86548668&sr=8-1

Suggestion for home training: COUNTER-BLADE CONCEPTS (DVD) by Michael Janich http://www.staysafem...uct.php?proid=7

Open/Close environment from; Sharpening the Warriors Edge (book) by Bruce Siddle


I find it interesting that my new car seems to draw a good deal of attention to me. Friday I decided to wash the car out in front of my house on the street simply because car washing places are not good for convertibles. Any ways a middle age man walks down the street and says hello, I say hello back, he keeps walking. Then about five minutes later he walks back up the street and says "you are breaking my heart, you look fine today girl". I immediately can tell no matter what I say he is going to use that as an open door to talk to me so I simply act like I don't hear him so there is no opening for him. I take a quick glance up and he smiles, I don't and continue washing the car. Then about 15 or so minutes later I am heading inside and there he is again. At this point any advances he attempts I would had gone into my mode of "you asked for this" meaning I would had taught him a lesson he would not soon forget if you caught my drift.

Over the past few months I am surely learning how woman feel if similar situations and have sympathy for them and it appears it's on me too.

Of course there are decent men too, at my friends house yesterday I was standing by my car and a twenty something man walks by, smiles and complimented me how I looked and that I had a sweet ride. I smiled, said thank you and he kept on going. Turns out I see him get into his car, a very nice BMW sports car.

I can't stress this too much that once you are out, passing with no issues and look good that you are going to be hit on. Depending on your mindset most of us who transitioned will have no clue on how to handle these situations, not much different than a teenage girl getting hit on for the first time.

Consider what you will say, how you will react beforehand so that you are not actin awkward and bring undue attention as this can be problematic if they get it in their head something is not right or you leave an opening for them to continue their attempt to seduce you and this is not what you wanted. Even if you want this you still need to be prepared so all goes well. There have been a few times when I first was out after surgery that I was a tad under prepared and learned from this. Now I even flirt for the right female or male.

Food for thought  

Swingers club

By KarenPayne,

Excited, going to a swingers club tonight. Last week I was given the tour and saw that it was just as much about sex as socializing. Tonight my plan is to socialize, get to know people and unless something intense happens will leave it at that.

One of the things that I liked right up front is they don't give out their address until they exchange a few emails then invite you in before hours, 6 to 8 where the club officially opens for members at 8PM. For females the cost is twenty dollars per month. I was up front with them about being post-op, that was a non-issue with them but will be the first one. After the tour of the club the owner asked if I had any questions. I asked, should I come right out and tell members that I was formerly male. He said it was up to me but also said if he were me simply use good judgement and side on not telling them unless there happen to be an invite for playing with someone.  

Wearing a cute long sleeve (top drapes over the outer shoulders so no bra), just above the knee dress with Italian thigh highs with the black under the back with a garter belt, very little makeup, light eyeshadow and medium red lipstick.

Update report

I arrived at the club 30 minutes beforehand, was greeted by the president of the club and his wife and was introduced to several other early birds. I was asked if ready to join and said yes. Filled out a payment form, $15 for two weeks as a trial member. After two weeks the price for a month for light membership is $15 per month and full membership for $20 per month.

How things went down, during the evening I was approached by a men in his early forties, talked with him for about an hour and saw he was interested. He went off to say hi to several other members then before his seat was cold had a female come over and chatted with me, next up three men who ended up getting into likes and dislikes sex stuff. They were both extremely interested in me and used the term "attractive woman" which I replied with (this is my way), thanks for the compliment but I see myself as average. One came back and said, you (me) are not average but very attractive. So I smiled and continued with the topic at hand.

I was asked about me participating and said, not tonight as I want to learn the ropes. Of course the next question was "will you be back next weekend?", I said yes and will be ready to join in.

Somehow we got talking about orgasams and I said that while sitting here talking I got off slightly by slightly pumping my hips while sitting down which I added could go for a long time but not to a full climax yet very satisfying just the same.

I think one of my coy move was pulling up my dress in front of many men to adjust my garter belt. I slowly slid the dress up to my privates without showing them and spent about three minutes adjusting them. That got me more men coming over and saying hi.

Oh, after about thirty minutes after arriving the president's wife chatted with me, first about a painting on the wall which the model had thigh highs which then had us talking about sexy underwear. She said at one point, I am so curious about seeing your vagina. I said, let me know when you want to see it and she said thanks. 

At this point we got into my current status as female, she said (as was indicated last week) to side on not telling members I was once male as my looks and voice (see made a point on the voice that it was female). Only disclose if I believe not telling would offend someone. The club is not about forging relationships outside of the club but instead to have a good time in the club. With that there are always the exceptions, one man said he was looking to get married again (oh lord, that's not me) and was looking at me.

There was a cross-dresser there with his very supportive wife. My assessment of this person was, this is all about sex, not about passing. (S)he might pass, borderline but the voice was all male and not a completely clean shave. I will say this couple was a delight to chat with. 

BTW As told by more than one member, the club was setup to where females have the power per-say rather than men. There are some pretty heavy rules for anyone violating a female at the club. Permission is needed before physical contact and that females generally start things off e.g. there is a gang-bang event once a month where females are given wrist bands that they hand out to men who they want to be involved. Last week was gang-bang event, had six females going at it and heard it was great. I did not attend but did indicate I wanted to be in the event next month.

Last thought, I believe my hair style was perfect, at the last minute I put my hair up in a pony tail and left strands of hair dangling down in the front which accented well with my black dress, and the black dress was the perfect choice for the night with the Italian style thigh highs, garter belt and FM (Fuck Me) black heels. 

Second update March 16th

Today I received an email from one of the men I met, gave me his phone number, asked if we could meet again this weekend. So now I am contemplating my next action. 





Road trip

By KarenPayne,

My daugher is going to move from the Philadelphia Pennsylvania  to Portland Oregon (20 minutes from my place) this coming Spring. I told her it would not be cost efficient to have her car taken on a train and a bad idea to sell it as the car is fairly new.

In my late thirties I made the trip in four days across country (three times in three years in my forties) but thirty years later will more likely than not need one or two more days. So in total I am going to take two weeks off from work for this. Two days will be visiting my mother, brother and old friends (they are aware of my transition and fine with this).

So I am flying out and driving the car back. Was just thinking that why not throw out this to this forum and others that might live between the two points to see if they might be interested in a visit? Would love to have the opportunity to get to see faces that are at this time only on the web. 


From yesterday until Thursday I am in Seattle Washington at Microsoft offices part of recognizing MVP (Microsoft Valued Professionals). This morning I "liked" one of the tweets and the woman must have looked at my Twitter profile and asked if she could interview me where the interview would be posted on one of Microsoft web sites. Of course I accepted and once the interview has been uploaded I will provide a link here but be forewarned it's geek topic :)  

On the ways back to my hotel I was added to a special group on Twitter which has nothing to do with my transition and then got a message from the chef making remarks that he liked me.

Tonight they are having us (2,000) to one hotel for a party, should be interesting so I am off to change into a nice business like skirt, medium conservative heels and cardigan. 


By KarenPayne,

About just under two months I applied for my passport, three weeks later I was informed my birth certificate was not good, so I called, asked what needed to be done which was provide another one (which I had) and sent it to them. I never changed my original so it still says M for gender.

Today I am now a proud owner of a US passport with F for gender.

There was never anything mentioned about my gender change, only a birth certificate not being correct because it did not have my mother and father names on them while the second one did.

Last thing is getting my papers back as they are originals but they did send an email indicating my pass-book is still yet to come and hope that is when my documents are returned to me.

So for those following the same or similar path as me all I can say is gender change is a non-issue with the right documents e.g. Marci Bowers supplied me with the proper document the week after surgery.

I now want to travel to England, Canada and the Philippines this year.

I get in the shower, wash my hair which is done every week and sometimes two weeks. Stare at myself in the mirror and think, I am bored with my hair color and need to change it to simply blonde rather than blonde with a tad of brownette.

So I waited until my fav salon opened, two hours later and went in, chatted with my stylist and she told me what she would do for me. Well three hours later we finished up and I am very happy with the results (need to take a picture still).

Two hours is when I need to get out of the chair, went outside and by accident my thumb touched my still wet hair and did not noticed for about 30 minutes, eek, damage done, my gorgeous nail was now smeared with hair coloring so once finished I went to the nail salon, for them it was less than five minutes. She uses a Dremel to remove the color, puts on a new top coat then one minute for the clear coat to dry. They never charge me so that was nice.

Any ways those dang hormones are too blame for me spending $150 to get my hair done where if I simply had a touch up done the cost would be about 40-50 dollars. Girls, I would not have it any other way, just that over the past six months (and my hair stylist thinks the same) I am doing crazy things that pregnant woman do. Now I will really be upset if I get cravings for  pickles and icecream :) 


Well I swear, started out the day in a black skirt, black tights, black top and flats for getting my hair done. Came home to wash the car and changed into tennis shoes, shorts and the same top. Now my brain says,  off with the shorts and bring on the capri's and red flats. I am such a girl.

The following is scary to say the least

Ten days ago I was there for a male to female having reassignment surgery. The surgery lasted too long in my opinion and that the reason was the surgeon caused a rectovaginal fistula. A friend of hers was told (but not me) that she had gas coming out the vagina on Friday and the friend got her to call the hospital who said they would get back to her but never did.  I did not hear about this until this morning, she text’ d me and said she was concerned. I went over and got her to take pictures and send them to the surgeon. Now this is 10 AM this morning, he said to come in a 5 PM. seriously, this is one bad thing after another.

I learned that while she was in the hospital the care provided was unprofessional from assisting her keeping clean (they would not clean her breast or bottom) to providing sedatives for pain (I had sedatives pushed into me non-stop). Just the other day I learned that OSU, the hospital here in Oregon had a bad reputation for how transgender people were treated and that they were in a transition period to overcome the bad reputation.

Any ways, just received a text from her, they are keeping her tonight. I did not inquire why but a decent guess is because of the rectovaginal fistula.

Now with all this mentioned, she had no real choice being on social security, out of work, never being able to afford surgery. Couple this with extreme dysphoria and a surgeon who has done six reassignment surgeries prior is a recipe for what happened. It really is a catch 22 per-say, boxed in with a one way pass to live with the dysphoria or roll the dice with a surgeon with little experience.

One last thing, when I arrived at her house she was drinking some dark drink. I said, it’s close to 100 degrees outside, you are just out of surgery and need to stay properly hydrated so I went out and purchase a 24 pack of bottled water and insisted she drink this rather than chocolate milk. One must realize that after a major surgery such as this the body is in recovery mode for many weeks to follow and must treat your body well.

Lesson to take away, if you don't have the funds to obtain reassignment surgery you may very well be in the hands of people who may perform a bad procedure and as with this person have poor aftercare. If this is you, pay attention to your body after surgery, don't dismiss even the little things, call them out to those who are taking care of you and this might simply save your life.



I really was honored to be selected to be a panelist for an event which was part of a week long summit put on by Microsoft last month on diversion and inclusion which was originally titled woman in technology. I was approached by Microsoft for this event and after talking to them I said why not include all sectors which includes LGBT and those struggling because of race, beliefs and culture although most of the latter have been coming to light in recent times.

They already know of my transition because when I transitioned I needed to change my name and gender for my account and that I'm a Microsoft MVP.

The event began by a introduction to how the event would go then five questions were asked, each of the panelist were given time to respond. To be honest I don't remember the questions. I do remember that in the first question I focused on cisgender females and the transgender community. The second question I moved focus to LGBT as the other female panelist had the cisgender aspect covered.

After finishing with the second question response I said something like, I'm one of the fortunate transgenders who transitioned unscaved which is not common place for most transgenders. Not only did I get an applause but a standing applause.

After the questions were asked the audience was given time to ask us questions but nobody did. After that we sat there thinking that people might come up and ask questions and I had a handful talk with me, one asked for my contact information as they had a family member who was transgender.

Over the following days I had people come up to me at the summit thanking me for speaking out and for having courage to speak. I told each and everyone of them is that I feel obligated to speak out for those who can not and that most who transition still need help but many times simply want nothing more to do with the transgender community and only want to blend in while there are others on the opposite end of the septum who are very vocal yet sometimes go to far and then we have some in the middle.

I did say during the event that to get people from the transgender community is not simply on large companies but also on the transgender person to as I know all to well that to be in technology of writing or supporting software or hardware things change all the time. Those who make the big bucks do so because they are continually bettering themselves like myself and I worked hard, was a window treatment sales person who studied at night for a year before quitting my window treatment job for writing software.  

Not everyone is cut out for working in IT but let's broaden this to other high paying professions and better your life along with showing others we are truly no different from cisgender and in some cases better.

I put myself in front of several hundred people with afterwards thousands who did not know who I was now and prior now know. I didn't want recognition for myself but instead to enlighten the cisgender community about the transgender community. Sorry if I didn't speak up per say about other parts of LGBT as I wanted to focus on trans. I did have one attendee who confided with me that he was gay and was worried about how to present himself and I got him to be confident and saw that he was doing better after talking to him.  



Many years ago, I made a fatal mistake of plucking my eyebrows and did a horrible job in that when still moving between male to female then back to male looked bad in male mode but looked good in female mode. November of last year I researched permanent cosmetics for my eyebrows. The research began with a fair amount of time looking at pictures of woman who had their eyebrows done followed by researching who to check out and discuss my needs.

At the end of last October, I had a list of five people to consult with. The first one was so professional and a perfectionist I was sold and setup an appointment mid November.

In the consult, I told her I wanted her to recommend a color and a shape that was female. When I arrived (dressed in female mode) she explained how things would go from her preparation to aftercare. She first numbed me up then did her measurements followed by beginning the process, which was painless, and I know about needles from tattoos to electrolysis. Throughout the process we had discussions on me and my transition along with her describing her recent vacation.

Since there was no way for me to keep track of time, I had no real idea how long the entire process took until she was done. The entire process took just under three hours from start to finish. Part of the aftercare was not to analyze her work for at least 7- 10 days so I simply looked at them when applying AD ointment three times a day. Well I can truthfully say that those times I look at my eyebrows I was completely happy with the shape but could not get a good look at the color until a week later and was also happy with the color as I was with the shape.

I frequent a person for electrolysis for maintenance who use to do permanent cosmetics until her eyes got bad. She told me (wearing her magnifying glasses) that the person who did my eyebrows did an outstanding job especially with matching up natural strokes found in natural eyebrows.

Four weeks after the procedure I went back for touchups and also to have eyeliner done. As with my eye brows I deferred color and shape to her. I am happy with the eyeliner done but when going back for my four week checkup will be asking to thicken up on the upper eyelid (which she said I might want but better to go thin then thick).

Okay, neither procedure was cheap, $400 for the eyebrows and $350 for eyeliners.

What is critical now is I only need to apply mascara and lipstick in the morning which greatly reduces time to get ready in the morning. So I am overjoyed with these procedures and say it is money well spent. Lastly, I have gotten compliments i.e. there is something different about you but can't place my finger on it :-)


Tomorrow I get my touchup done for my eyeliner and will be having the upper eyeliner done just a little wider. Can't say enough how I love the work that was done on me..

Met up with the local Miata club this morning. They meet for coffee and then go out for a drive that last anywhere from an hour to three hours. Today seems my car was the center of attention as it’s the latest model. The drive after coffee was great, the lead driver picked out a fantastic route that had many enjoyable curves. Afterwards he told me several times that I did great with the turns, better than he thought I would do. Have to say out of the six members I met they are very nice people with excellent driving skills. When I say excellent driving skills that means they handle the curves well and today I have to say “it’s all about the curves”.  I was right behind the lead driver and noticed that he rarely hit the brakes on what some would call challenging curves in the road at a decent speed. I later found out that he does not use the automatic function of the car but instead only the paddles which I have not even begun to explore but will be doing so shortly. Anyways it was a great morning and looking forward to next Saturdays drive.



Well 2015 is coming to a close, have squeezed a lot into this year in regards to surgeries, lots of paperwork and a brand new car and very satisfied with the results. Four years ago this was entirely a dream, seemingly out of reach because I could not give up what I had in regards to teaching self-defense but then realized that I had crammed many years into teaching and as much as I enjoyed teaching I could finally kiss it goodbye to make myself happy overall.

My guess is that many wrestle with similar aspects when they are certain that transitioning is right for them and hope that those riding the line, struggling with making the decision to move forward do so and don't procrastinate but instead stall progress if they feel as I did, unsure what the future might be. For many uncertainty is "will I still have a job", "acceptance from family and friends", "emotional battles from waiting" etc.

I know my surgery was right from many telling me I look content, smile (was told I rarely smiled) often, love female privilege, learning to leave male privilege behind as if I never had them.

I do struggle with silly things like being able to play guitar with decent length nails, changing pads often when wearing a thong (took a long time to master the back end of the pad), what clothes should I wear today (and rummage through through clothes on the floor often rather than the closet), did I wear that outfit already this week?

My taste in movies has change, last night I watched "the age of Adaline" which I would had never watched two years ago but now would even consider purchasing it. I watched it for a dollar so even if I didn't like it no big deal.

I experience life completely different emotionally both good and bad. There are day that all I want to do is stay in bed and most times have no clue why while 99 percent of the time I am very happy.

Still more attracted to females than males and there has been several times in the past few months I was putty to both genders.

I am fully embracing life both good and bad and excited for what comes next.

So it's time for bed and I can't sleep so I start watching an episode of a show that was recorded. After a bit I feel tired enough to attempt to sleep. After laying in bed for about 30 minutes I realize this is not happening. Back to watching television. About another 30 minutes later I feel it's time to sleep and try again. Guessing 15 or so minutes later I am still having difficulties.

I then remember that sleeping on my stomach use to work and matter of fact slept on my stomach all my life until five years ago because of a surgery prevented it and became a side sleeper. Why not give it a try I thought. First problem, my breast get in the way and it's not helping me to sleep so I figure out how to position myself via how my arms are positioned and I think it's working. Then out of nowhere my vagina gets excited I think "not now" so I re-position myself on my side, dang feelings persist. If there is one thing I have learned about down there is once the feeling starts it's not going away anytime in the near future. About the only thing I can do is work it out and think well when still male after orgasm I could sleep. It was a risk and mind you I like orgasm but really, right now, no no no. Well it seems that I did what was needed and did finally fall asleep. I have to laugh because I like those feelings but not that intense, and they were intense unlike before when going to sleep they are barely there and when really tired non-existing.

For the life of me can't figure why they started as there was nothing in my head that would arouse me and laying on my stomach should not have started them. Would welcome any thoughts on this.

Since my mother and brother who live 3,500 miles from me have not seen Karen I went and got some photos done. Before are a few of the photos. For my mother and brother (both live in the same house) I had three pictures framed together.

I elected to have the pictures taken with zero makeup so any and all flaws do show up and that is how I like it, natural.





By KarenPayne,


Those who are cross-dressers that become transgender who are on a journey to gender reassignment surgery most likely have gone through the following. You felt compelled to dress in the opposite gender, may have been your mother's or sister's garments or you have been resourceful in some other way to obtain the opposite gender clothing.

It begins early in life, many just over five years old and as age is accumulated going to stores and clothing outlets in secret (for most) is how clothing is obtained. You hurry home to put on the clothing, look in the mirror and are happy and nervous at the same time, happy to be in the proper attire but nervous someone will come home to see you. Life continues and trans people become more resourceful by hiding clothing and put it on when nobody else is home or perhaps get a motel room, dress, go out and sadly at some point must disrobe and go home.

The above is but one permutation in how things might pan out and is not meant to cover everyone. Now for me I will not lie, I spent a lot of time out in clubs dressed extremely sexy but at the same time not overly done up with very high heels and tons of makeup. Have always be conservative even in sexy mode out at clubs. Time spun by and I fell into the "blend in" like other females in my area. Went home and either stayed dressed as I was at work (this is after gender surgery) or pj's. 

Now here is the kicker, over the past month I head straight for the bedroom, toss my clothes into the hamper and put on a tank top and a fresh pair of underwear. Some might call this de evolution, say what, spent all the money and time to become a female and not dress as one???

Here is what I believe to be true, I am so comfortable in my own skin that why cover it up? When friends drop by unannounced I have either a skirt or shorts to put on quickly.

Read this far? If so here is what I would suggest from what I wrote above and what I have not written is that so many who are transitioning feel they must either dress well, dress sexy to enforce their self image of a woman they can lose sight of the bigger picture which is to simply enjoy life, blend in to the woodwork in regards to not dressing up but instead elegantly dressing to the average woman. I have many female friends who at home after work will get comfy as I do (well maybe not down to their underwear yet in this heat maybe).

It is critical during your one year trial period to become relaxed and comfortable with "everything" else one can worry themselves to death and we all need down time.

PS Feel that I am missing something??? But than again maybe not. I encourage others to voice their opinions.





Gathering.png ;

Went to my best female friends family reunion and was a blast. Although I have known her for close to nine years have never met all the people who were there today, a rough guess of 30 family members and I left early, more were coming. I was seen (note I did not say treated) no different than any other cisgender female at the gathering. During the four hours I was there joined in to several conversations which was great as I much rather chit chat then simply sitting there only knowing her immediate family.

In my last entry I touched on having a good support system. This woman has been there for me through both surgeries. Her three children treat me like family and her husband although had issues with me in the beginning has come around to accepting me. I have to say this family truly helped me leap a few hurdles during my journey.

At the movies

By KarenPayne,

I went to see Lone Survivor at one of the local movie theaters this afternoon dressed appropriate for the weather in a black skirt, white top and ankle boots. While waiting in line at the ticket counter to retrieve my debt card from my handbag I noticed two American Express cards and no debt card. Up to that point I was fully composed but then waves of hot flashes started, where my debt card was, do not want to use my AMEX card. So I stepped out of line to search my handbag and the debt card is nowhere in sight yeek. While doing this out of the corner of my eye I notice a man staring at me, took a quick glance and he smiled at me. Got back in line and reluctantly used my American Express card. The cashier told me I had a free small popcorn today woohoo. I waited in line for about five minutes, got my popcorn then went and sat down. Not a minute later the man who was watching me sat down two seats from me which seemed odd as the theater had plenty of seats. So throughout the movie which was suppose to be enjoyable all I can think about is the man and my debt card, both put a dammer on watching the movie. Once the movie was over I raced home and low and behold my debt card was on my kitchen counter. If it was not the only place it could had been was at the nail salon I was at yesterday and would had gone back in need be.

Any ways my reason for mentioning this is that I did not allow any of the bad things to cause a breakdown of my female persona, only the idea that my debt card was missing and the man reviewing me. If not for the movie, I may have been okay with the man watching me but not today. I truly believe he saw me as a female and was not seen as a male in female clothes <_<

Thinking in line with my last post on "use it or lose it" I thought it was appropriate to tell you about a viberator that in my honest opinion is a must have. I know several woman that is a viberator and most have the larger ones for penetration while one woman I know uses one that is for clitorial stimulation.

I have been using a medium size penis shaped viberator that is average length of a penis and decent girth. It does the job but takes a while to climax. It can be used with or without lubricant but two months ago I needed lube.

So with me being constantly aroused last night and today I needed something better. When I say constantly aroused I mean in the car driving to the store, in the store also. The cause was how my underwear was rubbing up against my sensitive area.

So I am looking at the various mini-viberators, they start out at $29, then to $39 then finally $59. The sales lady asked if I wanted any of them opened so I could inspect them which I did. Then I was just about ready to purchase the $39 one she said there is one more and it's very popular, the Tango. She said it is rechargeable via a USB cable, has eight settings and if you hold the on/off button to turn it off it will remember the last setting used so one does not have to cycle through the settings.

I went and did some grocery shopping, came home and setup the Tango to charge which in the manual says 90 minutes but was finished in 30 minutes. 

So now I get undressed thinking this could be great or a let down. Played with a few settings and hit on one that does heavy vibrating, stops for a split second, does a different vibrate then back to the start again.

Didn't know it at the time but when I found the "right spot" guessing in five minutes my toes were curling, spasming to the point I was going to pull it off but decide I am hooked and this is so much better than it's big brother, the penis shaped dildo. 

Let me say this, I can easily do without being penetrated by a penis with this lovely and incredible viberator. Yes skin touching skin is best but there are times when I am alone and horny and not wanting to get dressed, depend on the other person in the mood etc. 

The viberator is well constructed, just the right size and oh my God, the tip is flat on one side and goes to a point and I can not describe in words what the shape does for me but gives me a extraordinary orgasm bar none.

Only down side is the price is $89 but it's worth every single penny.

Check it out even if you are not interested in purchasing one to see what it looks like. I will say the site is boring yet that's fine when the product is fan-f**king great.