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About this blog

This blog is dedicated to telling those who read the entries about my journey in hopes that something can be learned. 

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Thankful

By KarenPayne,

I am thankful for many things today.

Heading off to a friend's home to spend Thanksgiving. Not looking to the driving but love this family as the entire family has been super supportive of me. The children range between 16 and 25, when I told them they said we support and never talk about me as a male, the female says I have great fashion sense and we even talk about girl stuff. The mother flew down to California to be with me the day of surgery and two days afterwards. She was also there for me for three days recovering from breast augmentation. So I am thankful to this family over the past few years as a female and about 6 years prior in my former life.

Have a date after visiting with the family above, have been with this woman before and would had taken her to the gathering but she is in a field where she has to work today.

I am coming up to 12 months since gender reassignment surgery and so happy beyond belief.

Hope everyone is with someone today which I know may not be possible but still hope it's possible as being alone on holidays such as this can be depressing and that is no good.

Several weeks ago I attended a week long summit at Microsoft for MVP recipients of just under 3,000 people and out of the 3,000 less than five percent were female. The woman on the far right is a Microsoft employee that has a section on what is called Channel 9 (part of Microsoft) that is devoted to to females as developers and innovators in the field. We met in passing at the beginning of the week then the next day she asked me to participate in a interview. She actually got the majority of females to participate so she segmented us into groups of three so she could get all of us on camera.

There was around 20 minutes cut from the video which did not fit into the topics that were all girl talk and some other topics which all I can say is "what happened in the room stayed in the room".

Going in I did not indicate I was once male but at one point it made sense in that my old male mindset could contribute to the conversation. If you watch the video note there is no surprise and that the women doing the video said she would had never guessed it. Afterwards the two woman on my right said they had no clue until I said my former life was of a male.

The woman with the short hair is a lesbian which I learned from her becoming a Twitter friend and also from chatting with her on a Microsoft bus headed back to a building where the main events were being held.

After watching the video I was not happy with my posture and voice (voice was okay but needs more work) but then again we are our worst critics. On a side note as planned two years ago I have made an appointment with a voice therapist in January to work on my voice. I chatted with the therapist several weeks ago, we discussed her plans with me, she has worked with trans people before. An hour time is $70-90, a sliding scale. I indicated to her that my goal was to not strive for the best but to strive for acceptable for what I am capable of without pushing the limits.

On a comical note, the little rubber figures on the table may seem odd but they are given out to people who had been interviewed and well sought after so I cherish mine.

Wow, just about ten months since my reassignment surgery. 

In no special order somethings I have noticed.

  • Yes I admit this, have gained 20LB since December when I was weighed last. My doctor said it's the hormones. So without hesitation I started running for 45 minutes each day and completely cut out anything one would consider food that encourages weight gain. The nice thing (if there is any) is that the weight is evenly distributed because if nothing else I still fit into my clothes and only really feel it slightly in my legs. My goal over the next six months is to lose not only the 20LB but another 10LB. A nice thought, while getting my nails done this week one of the girls there said I rocked it with my outfit last time I was in. I admitted to her about my weight gain and she said you look fine for your height and would not worry about your weight sigh, give that girl a hug.
  • Last year at this time I would always put on jeans or leggings for the weekend day but now have changed to tights and shirts, for me at least they are much easier to do when I am lazy. Speaking lazy, I mentioned this before but will again, after work and not planning to go out I disrobe and go about my business in my underwear, something as a male I would never dream of.
  • My emotions were never all over the place like I hear from some who are transitioning or have transitioned, still waiting for it but has not happened. Perhaps (and thinking what my doctor said two years ago) it's because I mastered to some degree my emotions be it good or bad or it's how I was made and raised. Sure I get emotional from time to time and sometimes can not control them but that is once in a blue moon. This morning I was watching a movie and yes the tears came rolling down my face so yes the hormones are surely working.
  • Genital stuff, not much going on inside my vagina but boy or boy is there a lot going on with my clit, there are times when I can't keep my hand off it and times when a partner will take advantage of me while pleasuring me. Marci Bower's assistant told me that don't expect much going on inside and that it takes 10 to 12 months to see. So I believe I have enough there, could had more but heck I am happy as a clam with what I got woohoo.
  • I never have to think about things like "is my voice okay" or "does my attire suit someone of my age". Speaking of age I am 59 and passing for 45-50 which is great.
  • I decided that even though my voice is acceptable voice lessons are going to be done starting in a few weeks. There is a good deal going on in that department to pass with tone and resonance plus a tad more. I am fortunate to have found someone close by that has experience with male to female clients.
  • Still not into wearing makeup but do love a nice perfume. Yes permanent cosmetics for eyeliner and brows was one of the best decisions I have made.
  • More electrolysis, I am so done with shaving underarms so I am having them done.
  • Passing and being made, distant fleeting words. Over the past year or so nobody has given me a look like "male or female".
  • Have not lost any friends over the past few months and actually had two co-workers who did not talk to me for around four months now making conversation with me with them starting it "What".

I am sure there are things I am missing, sure hit the publish button and they will come screaming out, go figure.

So there you have it, spilling out the good and bad, it's good to get things out into the open if not for peace of mind but to let others know and if it happens to you it's okay but please don't hold it inside as it will only hurt thinking about bad things.

Now off to do my daily run and day dream about an attractive female I am having fun with recently and questionable thought about a new male friend on Facebook.

 


    

I really don’t get it, over the past year men send me friend request on Facebook that are looking to date. Guess may be (not really) it partly my fault, should have a banner saying “Hey I was male but now female” in that I have no desire to date men but will admit to having a fling with one is just fine, otherwise I am on the other end of the spectrum, lesbian with a smidgen of bi .

When I was male and wanted to date a female I first make sure she was into men on her profile and was not currently dating someone. Seems that the men who ask for friend request never think to look at a woman’s preference in regards to does she like men, woman or perhaps both. Instead they seem to simply come back with something like the following which I got today.

Him: I was searching for old friends here and came across your picture and have to say you are beautiful. Now stop there, I consider myself average or below average in looks so don’t give me that kind of talk.

Keeping with the above I came right back at him and said “I was born male and now female”, I am mostly into woman.

I thought it would stop there but he comes back without saying anything about me once being male and says “So are you available, I would love to take you on a date”.

Me: Just to make this clear, you got the part about I was male. Him: Thanks for telling me, I did read that and was taken back for a second or two but you are now female now right? So I am still interested, no need to bring up your past unless you truly want too.

So I replied back (truthfully) that I was heading off with a sports car club for a morning ride. He comes back and says okay.

So I stopped the chatting but thought to myself (yes I am lesbian/bi) God he is handsome, I would be a fool not to give him a chance but need to exchange more email messages first to get a handle on him.

I had several free hosting of web sites on Comcast for many years that worked great but two weeks ago was told someone could not access the site. So I contacted their customer support via phone and got nowhere. Called again, no luck, visited the local office, no luck. Went to their forums and posted a question, how can I get to my files as some were not backed up locally.

A member contacted me who seems to know a great deal about this and said you may be out of luck but said to try another member which I did. The other member got me in contact with a level 1 tech (they are nearly impossible to get a hold of and she sent me an email indicting to link in links provided and download the files.

My point in writing this here is sometimes one needs to not give up even when a call to customer services tells you that those file servers are long gone. This is not the first time I had to keep going and persist with issue with Comcast but 99 percent of the time this is not the case.

 

NOTE it is going to take time for me to edit blog post I have here that had pictures from the Comcast site to make them display again but will be doing so once I have a new host.

TESTING: The image below was posted to Microsoft OneDrive then embedded here.

 

 

Seems Comcast has taken down all personal web sites without notifying me and this is were I stored pictures. The majority of these pictures are only stored there. So all pictures I have posted here will not show.

I called into Comcast and at this point they are clueless but I did a Google search and it appears that they discontinued the personal web sites yet the Comcast help desk person has no clue to this.

PISSED BIG TIME

Just got off the phone with Comcast and they said they would have a tech look into this. If I can get my images back I will purchase space on a provider's site that will allow me to create a home page along with having the ability to provide links to images so that they can be viewed on other sites such as this one. I am not holding my breath here, just wishful thinking that they can get me my images.  

From yesterday until Thursday I am in Seattle Washington at Microsoft offices part of recognizing MVP (Microsoft Valued Professionals). This morning I "liked" one of the tweets and the woman must have looked at my Twitter profile and asked if she could interview me where the interview would be posted on one of Microsoft web sites. Of course I accepted and once the interview has been uploaded I will provide a link here but be forewarned it's geek topic :)  

On the ways back to my hotel I was added to a special group on Twitter which has nothing to do with my transition and then got a message from the chef making remarks that he liked me.

Tonight they are having us (2,000) to one hotel for a party, should be interesting so I am off to change into a nice business like skirt, medium conservative heels and cardigan. 

Hair salon

By KarenPayne,

Since I am leaving for a week long trip in Seattle I wanted my hair to look great so I went to the hair salon to have a professional conditioning done and bangs trimmed. 

They wash my hair, put the conditioner in then under a dryer.

When I get out from the dryer one of the regular stylist comes over and says "I didn't see you come in or see your name in the computer, how are you?" We chatted for a bit then we get talking about sex and trade a few stories having great jiggling going on. This leads into her asking me, is sex better as a man or a female? I said the male side is pretty much the majority of pleasure is when climaxing while as a female my entire body is involved and last longer but not very much sensation inside as most is from my clit but this may change as my surgeon indicated it may take up to a year to have sensation inside.

Then we get into a conversation about how she feels about men in general and we go down that path with me providing perspective from living on both sides of the fence.

One of the other stylist heard me at one point talking about my new Miata and one thing lead to another and I took the one (whom I mentioned above) out for a spin in my car. As she was getting out of the car she said she always enjoys talking with me which made me feel good.

So now I need to do some packing even though I don't leave for my trip until early Sunday morning I am the type to be ready well in advance.

Many years ago prior to my real life test I would go out dressed with no fear except when leaving and returning home. If I was wearing any type of heels that made noise as most do I would avoid landing on the heel and tippy toe inside my house. Have not done that for many years.

So today I wear a nice pair of business style pumps and while walking along a hallway found myself tippy toe for a few steps. I thought to myself, WTF then had one of those moments "yes this was from back in the day when I would tippy toe back into my house.

Luckily nobody saw me do that because that would be awkward.

So later I walk into the section I work in and one of the ladies there said "Karen", I turn to see what she wants. She says you are wearing FM heels! I said what? she repeated herself and she smiles. Okay, tell me what FM means. She said they are F*** ME signals in regards to my heels to men. I countered and said, there is nothing sexy about these heels. She said it doesn't matter they are still FM heels. We both had a laugh then I said, what if I change into my flats. Without skipping a beat she said, then after a smoke too (you know, many have a cigarette after sex) and we both laughed again. So after lunch I walked into her cube with flats on as I always have a pair in my car trunk (or boot) and did not say a word. She finally looks down and cracks up. Me thinking "I nailed it". 

Yesterday met up with the local Miata club, normally there are about five or six cars but yesterday there were 15 cars. With that there were many new people I got to meet and not one of them as with the members I met already had anything to say about me other than what someone would say to a cisgender female.

We start off with a sit down in a restaurant for about 10 to 30 minutes chit chatting then hit the road normally for one to four hour drive through the countryside. Each time  so far it's a different route. 

Yesterday I asked, how long of a ride is it today? I was informed it would be pretty much the entire day.

We hit the main highway for about two hours then off into the backcountry for about an hour at which time we took a rest stop. I was the car directly behind the lead car, had not met him till yesterday. He said that my driving was great but at one point he lost sight of me. I told him that the others were lagging behind so I wanted to keep sight of them. He said, they know the way and they would caught up to us here.

He then said I was a tad back during the last leg of the run and I said I thought it was the right distance between cars. He said, heck you can get closer. So then everyone was ready he said "the boss is getting back in the car and heading off" I jumped in my car and with the thought in mind that I could stay close to him I did.

For the next 40 to 50 minutes we ran through some pretty exciting twist and turns in the road, got to the next spot to meet up with the rest of the group, got out of our cars and I said I think they must be about 15 minutes behind us when he asked me how far do you think they are behind us?

He then told me about how he learned to drive like he does and then said I was a natural. He said "no matter what I did I you were right on my tail where many others would never keep up with me.

It was 13 minutes by the time the others caught up and they said, it's time for lunch so off we drove another 20 minutes and hit a bar. While eating two of the seasoned members told me I am ready to lead the group on a run whenever I am ready (yes I was smiling big time).

As I see it my driving skills throughout my life were crippled only by the cars I had and their ability to do regular style driving. Ever since my second run with the group I have been right in the world I should had been decades ago.

Any ways on the way home I was asked if I wanted to be the lead driver and did so which was great. I will admit what I need to be lead driver at the start is learning the routes which is going to take a few more runs.

When I returned home my car was absolutely dirty so I washed it, had a quick dinner and went to bed early happy how the day turned out.

The milestones are piling up nicely for less than a year after surgery.

 

I get in the shower, wash my hair which is done every week and sometimes two weeks. Stare at myself in the mirror and think, I am bored with my hair color and need to change it to simply blonde rather than blonde with a tad of brownette.

So I waited until my fav salon opened, two hours later and went in, chatted with my stylist and she told me what she would do for me. Well three hours later we finished up and I am very happy with the results (need to take a picture still).

Two hours is when I need to get out of the chair, went outside and by accident my thumb touched my still wet hair and did not noticed for about 30 minutes, eek, damage done, my gorgeous nail was now smeared with hair coloring so once finished I went to the nail salon, for them it was less than five minutes. She uses a Dremel to remove the color, puts on a new top coat then one minute for the clear coat to dry. They never charge me so that was nice.

Any ways those dang hormones are too blame for me spending $150 to get my hair done where if I simply had a touch up done the cost would be about 40-50 dollars. Girls, I would not have it any other way, just that over the past six months (and my hair stylist thinks the same) I am doing crazy things that pregnant woman do. Now I will really be upset if I get cravings for  pickles and icecream :) 

EDIT

Well I swear, started out the day in a black skirt, black tights, black top and flats for getting my hair done. Came home to wash the car and changed into tennis shoes, shorts and the same top. Now my brain says,  off with the shorts and bring on the capri's and red flats. I am such a girl.

I just watched the video below which some might think is boring yet in my mind is well worth the time and energy to sit down and watch. They talk equally to M-F and F-M. There are many who think they have it rough today but I believe after watching this video you will think differently.

One transgender, April, she is the epitome of making the right decision and is gorgeous to boot. I did learn that in a James Bond movie there was a transgender  and is was very hot. Of course not all transgender can be hot but it's nice to see some just the same.

 

 

Boot shopping

By KarenPayne,

On Thursday I noticed the heel on one of my best boots the bottom part was coming off. I managed to fit it back together yet realized it would eventually be unrepairable. So yesterday morning I headed off to Macy's knowing there was a decent sale on shoes/boots and this is where I purchased the current pair.

I believe my choice in an outfit was great, nice pair of leggings which is what I would wear with boots, snakeskin mid height heels, tank top and a cardigan. In less than two minutes a gorgeous late twenty female sale person asked if I needed help. Told her my intent and she said that if I needed any help to wave to her. 

After about ten minutes she came back over and mentioned that the two pairs of boots I was looking at she had last year and proceeded to tell me about them. The thing that really got me was how she was looking at me like she could eat me up in bed and felt great. We chatted for about five minutes and then asked if I could try both pairs on. Since I know how shoe sizes go I asked to try a 9 and 9.5. 

She comes back with one pair in 9, one pair in 9.5, get the same look of I could eat you up. 

So I try both pairs at once and of course can't decide which pair and that one size feels slightly tight and the other slightly too large.

She comes back and in short recommends I get the 9.5 giving a few reasons why. I said sold.

At the counter after completing the transaction she gives me her personal number and said don't hesitate to call me with a coy smile. I leave feeling good with options going through me head.

On the way out an older couple are at the door, the man waits for me holding the door and when I get there he takes his hat off and says good day too you, how is your day going. I said thank you and that my day was great. I mention this because it's not everyday a man takes his hat off for me or for that matter never seen this outside of a movie

Returned home and compared the new boots with the old boots and noticed they were the same brand which is good as the old pair served me well, pretty much wore them three or four times a week over the past year.

Now thinking about calling the woman who helped me and see what happens but still not sure if I will or not.

 

 

Halloween

By KarenPayne,

I use to find halloween a sanctum for no-bars outings before gender reassignment surgery. Would dress up, go to work then out to parties or bars and be extremely happy in that nobody would bother me, a male dressed as a female.

My first time in Oregon, I dressed in a just above the knee skirt, white blouse and high heel pumps that I would call very business-like where many employees did not recognize me. Heck even one hit on me.

This halloween will be my first as a female and the year before it was during my real life test.

What I am doing this year? For the first time in 15 years giving out candy to neighborhood children early evening and then off to a local bar to meet up with a female friend. In one respect drab, no exhilarating push of adrenaline coursing through my veins for the sheer thrill of dressing as a female but instead perhaps my costume might be enough, a twenties flapper.

For those who have not gone under the GRS knife and plan on going out, best wishes to you!!!      

Casual sex

By KarenPayne,

Well as most know it's not easy to meet someone even as cis-gender. I know from when I was male and attempted to lead that life. Pretty much had a girlfriend after my divorce from 2000 to 2012 but the majority of them were in another town, Portland which is a 20 minute drive or out in the sticks, closer but not much better. I always wanted to have a relationship with a female that was close to home but that never happened. I was not into casual sex but wanted to be in some type of relationship.

From 2012 until three months or so ago I realized the same thing was true, hard to find a man or female close by that I was attracted too and could speak intelligent, hold a decent conversation.

So over the past month I have been "playing the field" for both genders. I found one female that I get along fine with and the same with one man. 

Had to weed out a lot of people just to find these two and not fully committed to either one, guess I am a tad bit picky and have the right to be.

I met a man last night at a bar, and I was horny and was not looking for anything past a casual encounter. Well I really hit the jackpot with this one, he was such a gentleman the entire night. Went back to his place and was taken back a bit to see his package, I did not measure but think it was eight inches and safe to say I made sure he made good use of it several times.  He was the first man that know more than three positions and was very happy about that along with my pleasure came first. After the first go-around I laid there pleasuring myself which in turn got him ready again and it was great yet another time. 

Oh, with a long penis comes a wider penis and I had zero issues other than the length at some points was hitting against the back wall but what would a girl to think a eight inch penis is going to make it back there without knocking the back wall which is why other positions are good for a penis that length. Girls, in this case size did matter, especially width as I have little sensation there and a ton of sensation in my clit that can keep going and going, makes my body shake and toes curl in a great way.

I should mention that after telling him about my past it was not a problem. He did say at first, you are playing a joke on me, I can't believe you were once male. I feel it's important to disclose to someone that you might get intimate with about one's past but if not and never plan too than mums the word.   

i remember

By KarenPayne,

I remember not so long ago taking spironolactone and estradiol where the prescription lasted six month then had to renew the prescriptions. Now after GRS I have a prescription for two years without a need to renew them.

With medications mentioned it all changes, no more spironolactone and an ample supply of estradiol. I always try to keep extra on hand in the event of a emergency where pharmacies can not supply me with the medication I require for normal life.

Something to think about, in that no matter what the meds are try and at least keep a weeks supply on backup, just in case.

For the second year I have been awarded the MVP (Microsoft Valuable Professional) where out of roughly two million candidates Microsoft picks 3,000 people were I have been honored twice.

Last year I was awarded as my old male identity and this year as my current female identity.

Each year those who have been awarded MVP go to a summit in Washington State where Microsoft pays for your room and whatever you need for an entire week that takes up at the very least two hotels and utilizes four hotels for conferences. I did not make it last year but will this year. Microsoft only pays full room cost if you share a room but they are allowing me to have my own room with a letter from my doctor indicating I need to dilate each day and that a room mate more likely then not would not be comfortable with this. Rooms are almost 500 USD per night and if not for Microsoft having a medical clause I would have to pay half the bill so I am happy to have to pay anything at all. Kudos to Microsoft.

Any ways one of the benefits of being a MVP is all software produced by Microsoft is free to the awardees, that is a gold mine.

It's not easy at all to get this award and did work hard between transitioning and doing what was needed to keep the MVP status.

A point to be made is when one transitions there is a great deal to juggle besides surgery which is important to keep in mind else one can get lost in life. Best to be prepared in all aspects of your life, not just the surgery.   

I've been on a schedule to have blood work done every four months since starting on hormones where I don't see the doctor, just the tech for drawing blood out. Today I did see the doctor, gained one pound since I last saw her woohoo.

She goes over the normal things than says she want to examine me down below. She said I had excellent depth and width but said my urethra was a tad under size. Asked me if I had any issues, I responded truthfully, no issues.

When done she said I will see you in 12 months and in the mean time if you need refills for prescriptions call them in.

Next up, get some blood drawn, long story short they tried three times and zilch, nada, nothing. I said perhaps I can get my local doctor to draw blood (I have two doctors) and she gave me a sheet indicating what they needed. Got home and hit my local doctor, One try and Niagara falls. Afterwards she says I apologies in that I need to send your blood off as "male". I said guess I have no choice and walked out.

Two hours later she calls me and says she found a loop hole and was able to send my blood off as female.

So this is a heads up, the above happened today and several months ago the Red Cross wanted to do the same. With the Red Cross I said no but went back a second time and there was no issues, was listed as female.

So for those who are transitioning be forewarned about this.

This afternoon I was talking to a female friend showing off my Miata and this guy looks out the car window and says yells to me and says "nice butt", had to be me because my friend was facing the other direction.

Then the other day my neighbor tells me her husband saw me walking down the street but did not know it was me and said she has a nice butt then she goes, that's Karen.

Funny in that I never got this before and know full well that taking hormones has zero effect on how one's butt looks so not sure why all of the sudden I am having men yell to me about my butt. What I can say even thought I am not into men that it's feels great getting these complements and is a confidence builder if nothing else. 

On a side note my friend whom I was with today purchased a new BMW sports car, seems that I was the fire to ignite her to purchase the new car. I think for the money my car was a better bang for the buck but will never tell her that as she spent $50,000 and I spent $30,000. In these matters best to simply compliment and leave it at that.

One of my friends on Facebook shared a link where transgender people are sharing their stories. So I decided too and found it difficult to confined the story to 400 words but finally did. Once approved I will post a link back here. Anyways I am committed to this and spreading the word especially to those over 50, and older that it's possible to do this.

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/projects/storywall/transgender-today

 

So it's time for bed and I can't sleep so I start watching an episode of a show that was recorded. After a bit I feel tired enough to attempt to sleep. After laying in bed for about 30 minutes I realize this is not happening. Back to watching television. About another 30 minutes later I feel it's time to sleep and try again. Guessing 15 or so minutes later I am still having difficulties.

I then remember that sleeping on my stomach use to work and matter of fact slept on my stomach all my life until five years ago because of a surgery prevented it and became a side sleeper. Why not give it a try I thought. First problem, my breast get in the way and it's not helping me to sleep so I figure out how to position myself via how my arms are positioned and I think it's working. Then out of nowhere my vagina gets excited I think "not now" so I re-position myself on my side, dang feelings persist. If there is one thing I have learned about down there is once the feeling starts it's not going away anytime in the near future. About the only thing I can do is work it out and think well when still male after orgasm I could sleep. It was a risk and mind you I like orgasm but really, right now, no no no. Well it seems that I did what was needed and did finally fall asleep. I have to laugh because I like those feelings but not that intense, and they were intense unlike before when going to sleep they are barely there and when really tired non-existing.

For the life of me can't figure why they started as there was nothing in my head that would arouse me and laying on my stomach should not have started them. Would welcome any thoughts on this.

Met up with the local Miata club this morning. They meet for coffee and then go out for a drive that last anywhere from an hour to three hours. Today seems my car was the center of attention as it’s the latest model. The drive after coffee was great, the lead driver picked out a fantastic route that had many enjoyable curves. Afterwards he told me several times that I did great with the turns, better than he thought I would do. Have to say out of the six members I met they are very nice people with excellent driving skills. When I say excellent driving skills that means they handle the curves well and today I have to say “it’s all about the curves”.  I was right behind the lead driver and noticed that he rarely hit the brakes on what some would call challenging curves in the road at a decent speed. I later found out that he does not use the automatic function of the car but instead only the paddles which I have not even begun to explore but will be doing so shortly. Anyways it was a great morning and looking forward to next Saturdays drive.

  

We all entertain our worst nightmares when stepping out the door the first time in broad daylight dressed entirely as a female all the while contemplating who others will perceive us. Hopefully over time this subsides and it's all second nature.

At my young age of 59 being a tactical instructor I was never concerned about my safety, only that of someone who might want to hurt me for their well-being after the fact which did happen the second week post surgery where in the end the police complemented me on how well I restrained myself and only used necessary force which in the end most likely left the attacker hurting for at least a week or so.

What was difficult was presenting myself to the owner of the company who owns the top school in my area for teaching self-defense, an old Marine who I guessed would not take my transition well especially since I was being groomed to take over operations of the group. He did not act rude when meeting or taken back but was treated differently. Leaving this group was very difficult, I spent a great deal of time being a top notch instructor to have 90 percent of it thrown away because I needed to transitioned. I try not to dwell on the past but it's sometimes difficult.

So this weekend I will be attending a remembrance/celebration of life for a Marine and good friend where many who know me have not yet seen me since transitioning. This will be interesting to see how those there will treat me. I plan on going in acting like my normal self, assess and react but not to react in a defensive manner which in my opinion might be detrimental. I did not sign up for this, my brain did but after almost two years out and seven months post op this is me and refuse to hide in a dark corner and feel sorry for myself but need to get past this. Once past this point I can check off another group whom afterwards will never discuss my former life as a male but instead use appropriate wording that has me not mentioning gender unless appropriate in a discussion.

Guess what, it takes time to finalize things as indicated above but at least for me I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and that light is closing fast which is fine by me as when the light is gone I have done what was needed to close one chapter and open another chapter of living.    

 

I find it interesting that my new car seems to draw a good deal of attention to me. Friday I decided to wash the car out in front of my house on the street simply because car washing places are not good for convertibles. Any ways a middle age man walks down the street and says hello, I say hello back, he keeps walking. Then about five minutes later he walks back up the street and says "you are breaking my heart, you look fine today girl". I immediately can tell no matter what I say he is going to use that as an open door to talk to me so I simply act like I don't hear him so there is no opening for him. I take a quick glance up and he smiles, I don't and continue washing the car. Then about 15 or so minutes later I am heading inside and there he is again. At this point any advances he attempts I would had gone into my mode of "you asked for this" meaning I would had taught him a lesson he would not soon forget if you caught my drift.

Over the past few months I am surely learning how woman feel if similar situations and have sympathy for them and it appears it's on me too.

Of course there are decent men too, at my friends house yesterday I was standing by my car and a twenty something man walks by, smiles and complimented me how I looked and that I had a sweet ride. I smiled, said thank you and he kept on going. Turns out I see him get into his car, a very nice BMW sports car.

I can't stress this too much that once you are out, passing with no issues and look good that you are going to be hit on. Depending on your mindset most of us who transitioned will have no clue on how to handle these situations, not much different than a teenage girl getting hit on for the first time.

Consider what you will say, how you will react beforehand so that you are not actin awkward and bring undue attention as this can be problematic if they get it in their head something is not right or you leave an opening for them to continue their attempt to seduce you and this is not what you wanted. Even if you want this you still need to be prepared so all goes well. There have been a few times when I first was out after surgery that I was a tad under prepared and learned from this. Now I even flirt for the right female or male.

Food for thought