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About this blog

This blog is dedicated to telling those who read the entries about my journey in hopes that something can be learned. 

Entries in this blog

I am not one to call people on the phone which my mother knows all so well but when she calls we usually chat for between one and two hours. She lives on the opposite coast, 94 years old with the mind of a 40 year old which is truly amazing.

Tonight we talked about some of my old girlfriends and she talked about some of her old boy friends back when she was 18 years old.

One of the stories was when I was out and about with a few guy friends all night, came home and my father was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of coffee. He turned and looks at me and said "Debbie is waiting for you in your bedroom". Debbie was unlike most girls I had dated in my late teenage and early twenties. I met her at a bowling alley, she caught my eye big time while working the snack area. She came over to give food to a customer and I made some remark like "Hey girl", she flipped me the finger. Okay, challenge is on. I went back to her area and started a conversation which at one point turned into discussing billiards and if memory serves me correct started downing beers and getting a tad rude at her. She offered me a peace offering, a hot dog which I accepted but later regret-ed it because she had cooked it in a deep fryer. All in all some how that rocky started turned into a two year party between the two of us.

Going back to the night when my father indicated she was in my bedroom, I went up to my bedroom, she was asleep so I got into bed with her. Next morning she had no clue where her clothes were so she slipped into some of my clothing. So that was that.

Tonight when talking to my mother I mentioned Debbie. She said I remember that night, I was awake when she came in dressed with very little clothing, dressed as an American Indian, sat down with your father and produced a bottle of Jack, asked where I was, slugged back a few then without asking said she was going to bed, my bed. Well my father liked Debbie so he let her go up there.

Then I hear the rest of the story, my father was a firemen and was listening to the fire/police scanner and head a call come across that the police were looking for a teenage girl dressed as Debbie was. My parents never told me this which all I could do was simply laugh.

Is there a point here? Maybe, kind of. 

All throughout my teenage years I was fixated on wild attractive females and never once stroke out. Years later I truly believe all these woman felt a male/female connection but did not realize it until later in the relationship which eventually ruined said relationship.

Are you still with me (heck I am wondering myself lol)

I find it interested to look back over some 40 years of adult life confused about my gender and now finally coming to terms with Karen so that the past does make sense where it did not many times which was at times mind blogging.

I can let it all go now knowing the at least 90 percent of the woman I dated even back through high school know it was not who they thought I was and have come to terms with Karen. Now the funny thing is my 40th high school reunion is next month and the invitation went out to my male name which was crossed out and penned in Karen Payne :)   

Thanks for sticking with me on this!

In a recent post I place the image below into it which was taken by my friend who said she wanted a picture of me for memories of that day. I was thinking about female Mannerisms and Body Language but not at that moment looking at the picture below. Note this is three days after breast augmentation and not thinking about my body language what-so-ever.

Several things became apparent that I would like to point out, men generally sit forward while females sit back on a chair, men typically have their legs spread and hands in their crouch or open to the outside of their legs. 

The purpose of this entry is for others to consider their posture not only when sitting but also when in other positions such as standing or walking. I have mentioned in the past my friend would constantly critique my mannerisms and body language when I first came out which in turn jogged my memories of being professionally taught female mannerisms. Not everyone will have someone that will critique their body language and mannerisms which means it is up to you to do so. I think doing this is critical in comfortably passing in the desired gender.



Don't forget the little things such as putting your fingers through your hair,twirling your hair. Include hand gestures as needed and often.

When a guy walks, subconsciously he claims the space as his and therefore walks with wider strides and kind've thinks of his shoulders like an outward extension of himself. When a girl walks, she is doing the exact opposite. Subconsciously, she is trying to take up the least amount of space possible. That is why girls walk with closer strides and keep their arms a bit closer to their sides.

A picture says a thousand words as in the image below, When self-analysing myself when standing say in a check-out line I am always as shown similar to the right side image.


Hopefully these suggestions are of assistance with your journey to a better life in your correct gender.

So in under six months I have gone through both gender reassignment surgery, tracheal shave and breast augmentation where three years ago I thought this would be impossible and now very happy that I am finished with surgeries as there is in my mind not much more that can be done that would make me happier.

I read about some who will get various parts of their face done to have the bone structure, hairline and eye's of a female and they might possibly benefit me to look more female but at what expense? Sure I can afford surgeries for better aligning my face to be more female yet that is in my opinion vanity at my age yet if I was in my early twenties I might had considered more surgery.

Sitting here right now I am truly content with the results and hope that others going down the path take their time with making decisions on what surgeries (if any) will make the the female or male they truly want/need to be. And remember, for some surgeries will bring peace while to others it may bring the complete reverse which can very well be worst than if never having surgeries.

Getting breast augmentation is reversible while genital surgery is not (well we could argue this in some cases) so please think long and hard before moving forward.

One happy female here that could not be happier :) 

PS (Yeah I'd be lying if I said I didn't want hips)   




It is save to say that I am doing well now other than feeling crappy from not taking a shower since prior to surgery and plan on taking one this morning as I was given the okay to take a shower.

From the post surgery visit yesterday they explained to me about the current status of my breast skin and what to expect in the next few weeks which is what I will report on next so others who will have breast augmentation will know about what to expect.

In retrospect

  • It is critical that you have a support person with you and that this person understands what you are going through and will be there with you.
  • Eating healthy is super important. My friend forced me (as I am not a fruit person) to eat fruit and veggies (I am a veggie person) which helps with constipation.
  • Staying hydrated is also important.
  • I found using a travel mask for sleeping is important to block out all light since I was sleeping in my living room and had a support person doing stuff where she needed lights on. Keep the mask close by if moving to another room and you feel tired this will help.
  • In my prior post I reported a low pain level, I can not stress this too much that I have a unusual threshold for pain so be prepared for more pain than I had.
  • Very short walks around the house can help fight off feeling confined as it is really good to not move around a lot the first few days after surgery but one does need to get up and move the limbs around.
  • Listen to the surgeon's instructions. I thought one was interest in that the simple task of opening a refrigerator door is a no-no right after surgery.  

At my post surgery appointment I was told all looked fine. There will be at least four more visits/check-ups.

They were very surprised when my female friend reported that I had taken only twenty-five percent of the pain killers since surgery and said most patients take all the medication. 

They gave me Lipikar Baue AP creme which helps restore skin's hydrolipidic layer for my breast.

My current pain level is under 1 using 1 to 10 scale :) 

I was just reading Christie's recent blog post which brings me to the following (it was a jog to my short term memory).

My girl friend was watching the season finally of Survivor while I was napping on my recliner. I woke up, she looks at me and says "even with you sitting there with no makeup (she is use to me with mascara as I don't wear makeup) and in pajamas I can't begin to imagine you as a dude and I have known you since 2007." I turn to her, give her a thumbs up and smile. She says No, there is no way you were ever a dude even when I dated you.

She had told me about a year ago that one night when we were sleeping together that she had to go sleep on the couch because sleeping with me was felt like she was sleeping with a female and she is not a lesbian or bi-sexual. She only told me this as a Revelation after learning I was trans.

On another note (really to small for another blog entry) I have been receiving text messages from a female whom I have known for 20 years the past two days and can see that she is indeed into me which is great because I was hoping we could hook up. I am a proud lesbian but also seem recently been curious only about sex with a male, no relationship with men, only interested in a relationship with females.

Okay off to dilate :)


Had problems sleeping last night but got around three hours then awake for one then slept for about four hours. The pain during those hours was fairly intense until my friend woke up and gave me my meds. After the medication was taken I almost feel like I am back to myself unlike yesterday after medication was taken I was still in pain. Right now the pain is almost non-existing. It's just before 5 AM which means five hours to go for my post-operation checkup.

I can easily see myself back to work next Tuesday if recovery stays on the path it has been so far.

My recommendation for post surgery is to sleep in bed with your upper body elevated about 30 degrees or as I did, been living in a recliner which I did for operations in the past, works great.

My friend had me pick up groceries prior to surgery, two items in particular I wondered about, strawberries and blueberries. Well last night I found out they were for me to assist with constipation as happens after surgery. So I am eating them right up. Urinating is no problem at all. Speaking of urinating, I am wearing a rather loose fitting and long top so each time I go the top is lifted up over my new breast and of course have to stare at them, oh so nice looking if I do say so myself.

Dinner was fantastic, my friend made a disk that I can not explain other than I eat everything off my plate.

I am having troubles sleeping, went to sleep in my recliner as the chair provides a better position that my bed. The longest I have slept for is two hours. It's 1 AM right now and fully awake.

Pain, it's currently at 2 out of 1 to 10 scale were most of the pain is from a strap that runs around my chest and covers the top of my breast to keep them down and in. I will see if my friend will take a picture so you all can see for yourself.




My best friend and I took a taxi to the hospital, signed a few papers the off to a room to prepare me for surgery. About thirty minutes later the surgeon arrived, drew on my body to mark up for my implants. About ten minutes later, off to the OR.

I am so use to the OR it felt like a second home :)

I woke up in a recovery room, a bit groggy as one might expect. Pain level I mark at between 3 and 4. I was given some pain medication which greater reduced the pain. Terry had them bring me a Starbucks coffee which I drank till nothing was left.

So how do they look? I believe my worries about being too large was unfounded, they are simple perfect size wise and look fantasic.

After about (not sure) one hour a taxi drove us back to my place. Yep, another cup of coffee and then started watching "The blacklist" but stopped as Terry was tired thus giving me time to write this entry.

Going back to pain level, if you read my blog entry on gender reassignment surgery I did great pain-wise. I did well this time also but would say this actually was more painful but again, manageable.


At my place right before surgery


At the hospital, I want coffee!!!


In six hours I have my last meal until who knows when since I will be still under the affects of anesthesia and was informed that it will be best to stick with things like soup, crackers and clear drinks for the day after surgery. After GRS I ate two light meals each day for the first two days so my guess is this will be no different.

Just took a five hour energy drink so I stay awake to around mid-night which will help me with several extra hours that if awake would be hungry. My friend is due at around 9AM with her son. Her son is driving us to the hospital around 10AM which is one hour early because he needs to be some place else. My friend gave me a grocery list to get food for her as she does not drive and I can not drive for two days (oh, we will see about cutting that done to one day).

So after 9 AM tomorrow morning I will be off the air here until I am guessing Thursday.

On purpose I recorded about 60 shows on television so I don't get bored (well I may very well get bored from watching television) the first several days after surgery. I am hoping by Friday to get out at least to my favorite coffee place which is just five minutes or less down the road.

Some might wonder how I feel inside? No different than right before gender reassignment surgery, kind of like going to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I expect joyful emotions to kick in by the weekend.

In closing out, I asked the surgeon to give me copies of images of me after surgery and will post them on my comcast ftp site sometime next week with before pictures too,



These are some of the cost to consider when ready to transition. I am sure there is enough to do an educated guess what it will cost you.

  • Therapist, each month for one hour was $150 plus time off work and gas to travel 35 miles each way. Now that I have transitioned I have therapist appointments every three months which I think is a wise idea at least as in my case for one year post op. My first therapist worked on a sliding scale so I paid under $100 per session. A in between therapist I did not like charges $200 so it will vary.
  • Doctor appointments and cost of lab work. It's hard to say as 99% of these fees where covered by my health plan. I do remember some were two-hundred plus every six months. Usually I paid a ten dollar co-pay to the doctor and around five to seven dollars for the lab work. Now if your insurance does not cover these fees then consider every six months you will dish out several hundred dollars for this.
  • HRT medication, here it cost me four dollars for this and have not looked at what it would cost w/o health insurance.
  • Electrolysis, prices vary from city to city, for example where I live it's $60 per hour while in Portland Oregon it's between $80 and $120. I recently replied to a post that I think provides good information on electrolysis. Electrolysis is one of the most tedious processes you will go through for transitioning and the most painful to many.
  • Name change, in Oregon it's $110.00, Legal Zoom does it for $139, noticed California is about $600 so it can vary from state to state, Be prepared to spend a fair amount of time working with your employer who most likely will want you social security card done first. Then there is card cards (hope you don't have a lot), Macy's was horrible in that there process is not done well. How about Paypal, they are extremely easy to deal with.
  • Clothing, if you are like me then out with all the old make clothing which means "shopping" which of course means $$$'s.  
  • It will be tempting to go overseas for any surgery such as GRS, tracheal shave, breast augmentation but I would strongly discourage this since things can go wrong and you are left out fending for yourself. So expect to pay around $30,000 for GRS along with around $2.000 for accommodations, food tack on several hundred plus transportation which will vary dependent on rentals or cabs. I was lucky to have the hotel drive me anyplace and would even grocery shop for me.
  • Marci Bowers includes the cost for your hotel room while in the hospital for surgery. This was something I was concerned about until they told me they do this. Heck the hotel room cost $252 per night.
  • Airfare must be considered in the cost and getting to and from the airport. Marci Bowers supplies a limo for going to and from the airport.
  • Even the little things add up such as paper towels and lubricant for dilation. Have you seen the price for KY Jelly? 


I at no time in my life contemplated suicide which I have learned recently through more than one source (on example came from a video I mention here) that 41 percent of people going under the knife will attempt suicide. Never would I had thought that there were many who actually regretted going under the knife as told in this web site.

I would think that one reason for this is that a person with regret may very well had a ill equipped therapist that was not qualified to access transgender (or maybe they are not transgender at all) to be a candidate for gender reassignment surgery. Perhaps another reason might be that the person seeking gender reassignment surgery was able to fool a therapist into a diagnosing them as suitable candidates for  gender reassignment surgery. Thinking about it I can see that it would be easy to get away with fooling a therapist but wonder what those people think will happen by doing this?

When I made the commitment to change gender I first spent time sitting alone questioning myself, self-evaluating myself to no end until I thought back that there were no in decisions, it was not about having sex as a female and knew full well this could very well be an journey that might spiral out of control with no return ticket to reverse the process. As stated in the letter of consent just prior to surgery the signature I penned says this is irreversible, no going back. For me, this was the green light I was looking for while others who realize after the fact they must of had blinders on. Was there do diligence done as I did?

Bottom line is gender reassignment surgery is not for everyone even though some go to bed at night wishing they would wake up in the gender they believe they should had been at birth but were denied. There is a reason why there are classifications such as in the image below that a truly qualified therapist will classify a client in and not just mark them all as a true transsexual.

You would think that after spending one year in the gender you think you should be that with every day that passes you would know if you can make it in that gender. One has that entire year to forge forward or retreat back to whence they came from a birth. 

At the very least, sit down in a quiet place as I did and be true to yourself and afterwards take the test and if you land in in a category that says you are a true transsexual find a therapist that has experience with working with transgender people. Most likely you will then begin hormones prior to the therapist recommendation which is yet another check-point to move forward or backwards. Once the therapist approves you we are at the another point of decision, move forward or move backwards and remember, between the time you start with a therapist and finish with a therapist you are living live in the gender you want to be "forever" and forever is a long time to enjoy or learn to hate depending on your age.

Choose wisely.



My daughter has decided to be closer to family so she is moving back to Oregon from Pennsylvania next April. She is waiting because she is due to deliver a girl in September. She called me last week and asked what she should do with her car which is two years old. I said her options where to sell the car or have me fly out and drive her car to Oregon. So it looks like I will be flying into Pennsylvania next April to do just that, drive her car across country to Portland Oregon.

Back in 2000 I was supposed to attend a week long training in Washington State but messed up my thumb and had to skip that year. The class was not being offered on the West Coast for years so I decided to find the class where it would be in 2001 which was New Hampshire and since I had lots of gear would drive across country. I made the trip in an amazing four days. Now I am 15 years older and believe I can make the trip in five days.  

My plan like in 2001 thru 2004 (yes I did this for three years in a row) is to drive, sleep in the car and keep moving. I will bring a pack of five hour energy for times when I want to pull over and sleep but not convenient to pull over. Unlike last time I am not opposed to staying in a hotel if the need arises.

So last night while talking with my mother she said I need to be careful as there are men who watch for females driving alone. I came back without hesitation saying that I can handle myself no problem with my training and will have weapon with me.

What is really going to be much better is having my GPS. All my other trips was by writing down directions on a notepad along with bringing a paper map for all but the last trip where I used a National Geographic map program which was not much better than paper maps.

If anyone here is between the two coast that might be in my path I would love to stop for a short visit if open to it.

"True Trans Laura Jane Grace"


I found this woman’s story well worth sharing. Below are some pieces I thought say volumes without explanation for this audience.  Laura Jane Grace has a large fan base in regards to her music.

Amazing, simply amazing stories told here. I was so touched by these stories, my emotions overwhelmed me.

Misalignment, Struggles, Turns into shame. Parents would disown me, Try to lock me away, Turn to alcohol and drugs, Devastating, there are others who feel this way?, Depressed, Hated life, Suicide, Disassociate, Punk rock, smashing gender roles, No internet, no Google, no resources, information is key, did not talk to therapist in sessions for two months, 41 percent of trans attempt suicide, push it away, not want to be me, push it down…avoid it, nothing is more important than be comfortable in your own skin, someone save me, my soul is lost, hard to get across to people who have no clue what trans is, alone, “it’s like someone was holding my head underwater, transitioning was my head popping up out of the water”, my therapist saved my life, there is no road map, you have to do your own pace, genitals make you who you are ‘bullshit’, trans-women give up privilege, trans-man gain privilege, lots has changed in the past two years, we need to educate people, there is only a seven percent chance a spouse will stay,



My best female friend pointed out to me recently that even when I was male that she perceived me as female because to her, my body structure/shape was that of a female which she kept to herself for a long time. She went on to say that I did not need makeup because of this fact. Note, one does not have to be gorgeous to come off as female, heck I see myself as average no matter what I am told.

Over the past year we would go out clothes shopping, the first thing that stuck in my head was how she could look at a piece of clothing and comment how well it would look on me or how badly it would look on me.

With that said combining born body structure/shape (which encompasses the face too) I think many overlook the fact that not everyone can pull off say a strip top because if we are overweight it will draw attention to us. Another example, the majority of male to female have no hips so one might look for tops that accent the hips with a flared top but again use caution as your body structure may exasperate the waist and take away what was done with the flaring of the top. We all have seen cisgender females out of shape wearing Spanx leggings and know they look great on an average figure but not so much for slightly overweight or excessively overweight. I bet if you asked them they would deny this and in their mind wear them because they are easy and are comfortable.

Back in the day I purchased female clothing void of the above and pulled it off, and still do. The catalytic for this entry comes in two parts, first from talking with my friends and just today the following.

I work in a company of 1000 plus employees where some I know from an elevator ride or waiting in line for lunch and chatting while my team mates are close friends and acquaintances. Coming down from the fifth floor to the first floor one of the employees (known only from the elevator and cafeteria), a female turned to me and asked how I was doing? Then say that, you nailed it last week. I said what do you mean? She said that outfit you wore last Monday, well you nailed it. Heck I can’t remember what I wore so I asked her. She said a grey skirt in particular as it complimented my long legs. I don’t have long legs but I know for a fact because so many people told me so that I have great legs. What I see happened was I wore a skirt that complimented me for the age I am at. Interesting enough the skirt was kind of see through so I wore a while skirt beneath the grey skirt and let the white skirt be a tad lower than the grey skirt. In short it works for me because of my body structure. Now if I were to wear tight jeans and tight top it would work against me because of my age and also would show that I don’t have great hips so back to the flared top.

So in closing focused to two things, body shape and appropriate clothing to compliment or enhance said body structure but also keeping in mind how old you are.

Over time it is hard to not recognize that not just with gender issues but every aspect of life we encounter a fear and doubt our abilities to cope. This is normal behavior until we key in on gender dysphoria because if nothing else we are living in a world that is gender centric, male or female.

Fear of being late with a car payment is vastly different than stepping out one’s front door dressed in the opposite gender. We can call the bank, chat with them and make special arrangements if your payment will be a few days overdue. Now when walking out the front door as a female or male those who see us and identify with us as the opposite gender quickly form an opinion be it good or bad unlike the bank who looks at your history with them over a period of time.

Once you walk out that door fear takes over similarly to standing in front of a group to give a speech, mouth is dry, we sweat all over the place but over time with repetition we become less sweaty and the mouth is not so dry until if we do it enough now the door is open to familiarity with little to no stress. Heck I know, if you caught me in 2000 standing in front of 10 students you would think I was a complete amateur but several years later stood in front of 375 people and was right a home.

I say it and hear others say it, it gets easier each time you walk out the front door dressed in the opposite gender. How many times does it take? That is going to be different for everyone.

What is critical is believing in yourself because if you don’t believe in yourself how do you expect others to believe in you? To believe in yourself it takes time in the comfort of your own home first watching various shows on television, study female mannerism then get up of the chair and practice what you just saw. A physical therapist once told me to suck in my abdomen several times a day and would find her in my head at the strangest times so I suck it in. Same applies to learning mannerism of the opposite gender. Example, you are driving in your car, look down at your legs, how are they positioned, legs spread apart or comfortably close together, are both hands on the steering wheel or just one? Correct as needed. Sticking with driving, this is the perfect time to practice your opposite gender voice where absolutely nobody can hear you, just keep the windows up at red lights.

The more you practice these and similar traits of the opposite gender the better prepared you are for stepping out the front door. So what if Mr. Jones sees you, wave and smile and don’t hasten your pace, take a deep breath and continue on. Hopefully Mr. Jones will become accustom to you being seen as a female yet there is one fallacy to this which is during the week you are male and weekends female. The fix for this is to be female more often during the week.

The key is to want it then prepare so you are as natural as you can be and remember it does get easier over time, I know because I have done many of the suggestions and more. 

In closing, I invite others to chime in with there suggestions as I DON'T know it all and there is a vast wealth of wisdom within this community that can be drawn upon.

About two years ago my best friend while out shopping with me purchased several pairs of Calvin Klein thongs then presented them to me when we returned to her home. I was both happy and sad, happy because I knew they would be worn at least once to celebrate while sad because it would be two years until they could be worn.

Two years is a long time and the thongs ended up in storage which I just found this week and thought it would be great to try them on which I did and love them. Okay then I thought that I will need pantie liners and don’t remember seeing them in my local grocery store but went back and sure enough they do have them. So for the past several days I have been in thong heaven. Went out today to Victoria’s Secrets and hunted for thongs but I don’t believe it, I did not like any of them accept of course the ones that were too large (I wear size small). Off to Macy’s and they not only had what I wanted and better quality but were three dollars cheaper woohoo.

So what is the big deal about thongs, by themselves absolutely nothing by themselves but just another point in fact that I am female (hear me roar lol). 

I think that many who are on the path of transitioning to that gender, in this case, female sometimes look at the big picture and forget about the small things which in this case is clothing but is also about their environment and how (at least for me) overtime one can look back and see a trail of breadcrumbs that make up the total package of the new you.

These little things that make up the package range from people opening doors to men flirting with you. A good example, I went to the mall and while waiting for my friend I sat down and was on my phone checking out Facebook and the man next to me turned and said, nice nails which was his opening to check me out. Yes I am into females which is not the point here. The point is that after two years of being out and three months post-op (and hormones) I truly act and react as a female. These things only come from being out in the real world, interacting with real people rather than sitting a home dressed. Now I am not saying someone who is not planning on transitioning should get out into the real world but those who are indeed moving towards GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery). This is why part of the requirement is to live in the gender you are moving towards. Heck I never realized thinking back how challenging it can be to live every second of my life as female and would think most can’t fathom what it is like until you actually do it.

So the thongs may seem like a small and insignificant thing but it depends on how you look at the big picture and then dissect what makes up the larger picture kind of like a jigsaw puzzle.  

This is what I am into for what it's worth in thongs in black, red and while. My friend gave me one in yellow but I am not into yellow for undies. 



I am scheduled for breast augmentation on May 20, 2015. Had my pre-operation appointment today where they went over the highlights from my initial consultation several weeks ago along with what they want me to do the week of surgery and the weeks following surgery. After the appointment I handed over my prescriptions to the pharmacy so they are ready for me well in advance.

Specifics, I was interested in a B cup but with their measuring system looks like I will have C cup. Guess I will need to get over not having a smaller size as I am leaving my fate to the surgeon as when I question him about the size he said that he has used this measuring system on thousands of people and only had two people saying they thought that the size was slightly too large.

Eating prior to surgery, I told the surgeon that since surgery was at noon and that they did not want me to eat after midnight that beings I have a different schedule that most people could I have coffee first thing in the morning. He said if I asked the anesthesiologist would say no coffee but he said if it’s only black coffee he is fine and if they asked if I had anything to say no LOL.

I have my best female friend coming to the hospital with me then staying with me for three days, maybe four. Since she does not drive her son is driving her down to my place and back as I will be in no shape to drive 40 minutes each way. I have another friend who lives close by will be bringing me lattes from my favorite coffee place, he is a firearms instructor who teaches with me.


By KarenPayne,

Over the past few weeks I felt at times I should had some orgasmic feelings down below and was just getting ready to contact Marci asking if this was normal to have clitorous sensation to nothing at all even with manual stimulation. I was told that don't expect much until the nerves grow back and was fine with this but wait a minute, why was it there then went away.

Well without going into details I was asked by a man about sexual desires in a email. While writing back I felt the sensations which was about ten minutes ago and they are still there thank goodness.

So my reason for posting here is that others might have similar experiences and want them to know if you had it and it went away perhaps (and I am guessing this here) it is from a lack of sexual thoughts being provoked. Now there is always the chance you will never have these sensations which is why those who are considering GRS is to make sure you choose wisely to the surgeon you select.

I can not even begin to imagine going through the rest of my life without those sensations it would be horrible to say the least. It has been about 15 minutes and the sensations have not gone away yet :)

I am going to use this blog entry for posting resources for others that are travelling down a path that may or may not result in transitioning. So I will update this as resources are found.

I would request if you have good resources send them to me in a PM rather than comment below the post to keep things clean.

Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory test


Scoring for test


The following link the person put together lots of good information


Electrolysis Methods


HRT Male to Female


Risks Associated With Hormone Use (Estrogen)


Dilation 101


My new norm

By KarenPayne,

It has been three months since surgery and my life is at a place I believe is my new/current norm. I have accepted that “it’s a man’s world” and that I have been accepted into the sisterhood.

Things I can laugh or smile about in regards to the last three months. Only went to tuck my penis once (eek, where did it go, oh I remember now ~grin~), have embraced men opening the door for me. Other females treating me as if I have always been a female. My daughter called me this afternoon, I was very busy at work and said I would call back. When I called back she said my voice sounded different but not much. I then realized I was doing a B flat rather than a C# as I had a momentary lapse in voice control which I see needs attention. I had to ask, “did I sound female when you called?”, she said yes but it was a tad different then in the past. That made me smile as I was in at least partial control. I have said it many times, one must be vigilant with their female voice. So this is the second time, first time was reverse, my mother called and I went into my female voice and she had no clue who she was talking too.

Something to cheer about, dilation is second nature in that the dilator goes in with one-third the lube it took one month ago and can penetrate fully in ten seconds where it use to be one minute to fully insert and another four minutes to be comfortable with the dilation tool inside of me. Dilation sessions are there times a day still for 15 minutes but there are times I go for thirty minutes. In two weeks I am down to twice a day.

Since going full time I have not worn perfume but now enjoy it every day which is not from, “I am ready and fearless” but instead it stems from the changes to my mind and body from the longevity of HRT.

What I find interesting and at the same time not interesting is my calm about breast implants in a couple of weeks. What I mean is, GRS to me was like going to the grocery store, no big deal and feel the same way about breast implants but who is being the fool here, I do think about this summer and finally able to wear a plunging neckline top and of course a bathing suit.

One last thought, the memory of my surgery is quickly leaving my brain with no real memories unless I happen to look at one of the pictures taken in the hospital, was that me, oh my.

I was out walking and thinking about passing and a post of dressing properly when out in the world.

Thinking back to what was preached by long time crossdressers about “it gets better when you get out more” in respect to confidence in that one will pass. Thinking about this I have seen plenty of women that I could imagine with small changes in regards to physical characteristics would pass as male so why do those (and I was there too at one time) who see themselves as passing or close to passing have this immense fear of not passing?

I use to think it was about how long one has been on this planet but every day I see gender lines crossed more and more so it cannot be about length of time we are here but that for the most part our global community is naturally born male and females are coming to terms with trans people. With that thought I would think that right now is a great time for those considering taking their first steps out the door to do so.

Someone told me recently that she sees a lot of transgender people were she works in an art museum and that most are well versed in presenting themselves as female or male and that even if they don’t have the perfect female voice (like me) she does not find herself questioning their gender. She admitted to me that prior to me announcing my journey she was of a different mindset and I changed that. So if I can do this do can other transgender people but it does take confidence and that is part of “it gets better when you get out more” when coupled with practicing in front of a mirror and along with keeping up with mannerism of the gender you want to portray while out in public.

Most people are too busy in their day to day life at the grocery store or department store in general to get caught up with you. When done right one simply blends into the background but when gone wrong like dressing inappropriately then we are in the foreground and open to scrutiny to those around us. Then again, you believe you have done everything right but there are eyes on you, is this a bad thing? Not always because they may be looking at you because they like what you are wearing on the shade of nail polish you have on. I have lost count of women coming up to me and saying “I love your outfit, where did you get it?” This is good but with that said be prepared to give them a reply or if your female voice is not up to it give them a simple smile.

So perhaps you might consider taking a second look at getting out and about once you have done more than simply dressed up in a style that makes you feel great but instead dress as other females do and have done a fair amount of practice with mannerism, have thought about how you will reply to questions like “where did you get that outfit” or “how is your day going” where many will say okay but not make eye contact and I have learned that eye contact is extremely important as in a setting such as a grocery store the clerk may be bored and start a decent conversation with you, if no eye contact they may think you have a busy mind or that something is not right, food for thought.

My mother and I were chatting on the phone yesterday and the topic went to her had calling my ex-wife. They talked about me now as a female and my ex-wife said she remembered the two of us going out for Halloween to a bar that was promoting Halloween and I went as a female.

She told my mother that she virtually got no attention (and she is a looker) while I drew a crowd of men who had no clue I was not female. I will admit that I was not prepared for this at all in regards to men offering to buy me drinks. I did enjoy the attention no matter the case.

After going home I vaguely remember my ex-wife not happy about the events of the night and that I was not allowed to do this again.

For me that was a moment in time that I cherish to this day and wish I had started my journey back then but then again it was simply the wrong time as thinking back I was in a battle with myself to my true identity. Being married to a good looking female in part satisfied part of my identity conflict as it allowed me in a strange (not so strange to someone needing to transition) to some that I had that female body (my ex-wife) with me.

That brings to mind one of the last women I dated before starting my journey, in my eyes she was very beautiful and had the body of a twenty year old. Same thing applied in that I had this perfect female body to be with which would partly satisfy my desire to be female.

The picture below is from our first date back in 2007 and at first glance pretty much fell in love with each other. She was here from Mexico to visit her family and found me on Yahoo dating which was when I was still battling with my identity. She contacted me, asked if I would come to dinner at her sister's house which I did. She had to go back to Mexico but said she would be back in two months. In the mean time we chatted on the phone several times a week. Once back in Oregon we spent a weekend together then before leaving asked if when she came back again next month if she could stay at my house with me which I said but of course, let's see how we get along together.

She came back and we had a fantastic week but near the end of the week the female inside of me began to resist going any farther with the relationship and that's when the decline happened on the last two days. I needed to be Karen and realized that I was fooling myself into thinking that this relationship would solve my identity issues. She caught on that something was wrong and no sure how it happened but it never went to my identity but instead something else which was at one point she asked me to move to Mexico and live with her. She actually wanted to support me and she could as she is a doctor and lives very comfortably in Mexico. Any ways it would had failed and both of us would had been in a bad ways.

That was all in 2007 and was the real turning point for Kevin becoming Karen.


Before posting this entry I was only going to mention that parts about my mother and ex-wife but somehow got into the last part about Kevin and Guadalupe. Sure wish she was a lesbian.

I wrote about my consultation for breast augmentation recently and now just wanted to say like with my GRS I will by blogging about this part of my journey.

So far I have a pre-surgery appointment on May, 8th were they go over what will happen on the day of surgery, May 21st.

My friend is being driven down from her home, thirty minutes from me to stay overnight, next day come with me to the hospital, we are taking a taxi. She will then come home with me after roughly a four hour surgery and stay with me for at least three days. I did tell her (from past experiences) that I am easy to be with and she does know about me after surgery come to think about it as she was there for me after GRS.

From what I have been told I will need to be at home for four days then for two weeks wear a special bra for support.

More to follow...

Directly after my surgery I had a mandatory visit with my doctor who takes care of my current female needs which includes administering my hormones which I wrote about in an earlier entry. Well she changed my dosage and also changed my prescription from every thirty days to every ninety days with an expiration after six months for now as she wants to see how I am doing since surgery which may at that time lower or up the dosage.

Why bring this up, only because it seems the doctors want to keep you on a tight leash prior to surgery in that my guess is some will over medicate but that is only a guess as one could also over medicate after surgery.

What people may not consider is that prior to surgery one still produces hormones but not afterwards which is a game changer. After surgery all one has are their meds.

I can see how some might not weigh in all the factors that need to be considered such as you must (or should) take your meds. Couple this with the first few months of what seems like constant dilation can surely in some lead to a depressive mindset.

I keep telling/reminding people that surgery is but one step, yet a major step but only part of the big picture. So for those who are considering GRS make sure you weigh in on all the things that go on both prior and after surgery, it is never ending cycle of steps, challenges and joy. For me, would not change a thing as I did the upfront big picture review of what it takes to journey into the gender I was mentally but not physically.

So plan ahead and do not just see the ripples but the tidal wave to avoid by proper research and planning.