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About this blog

This blog is dedicated to telling those who read the entries about my journey in hopes that something can be learned. 

Entries in this blog


By KarenPayne,

Six days until surgery, feeling content right now. About the only thing that is a possible issue revolve around, did I bring everything I need?

Anyways I plan on keeping a journal from arrival in California through out the time I am in California to the weeks following for recovery on the blog in my signature in hopes it will help anyone else following a similar path as me. Yes I know there are plenty of entries on the web for this but each story is somewhat different than the ones prior so this will be my experience.

Oh what fun

By KarenPayne,

So I arrive in San Francisco, love the hotel room, went out food shopping then downed to twos of A1 coffee (I tend to only drink water and coffee) and then thought, how will I get to the pre-surgery appointment tomorrow morning?

Open the phone book to Taxi cab companies, there are about 20 WHAT. I call one and they said, how can I help you ma'am? I told them what I needed in the morning but got a bad feeling so I thought why not ask the front desk to see which cab company they recommended.

She says where are you going, gave her the address and said you do not need a taxi as you are from the Bower group. What time do you need to be there? Told her 8AM and booked me a ride. I then asked, how do I get back, they said call the number (gave me the hotel card) for the front desk and we will pick you up WOOHOO.

Many people said I could get a room for about one third of the price and I said (but this is on trust) all facts given to me point to this hotel being in alignment with Marci's surgeries and from what has happen since I have arrived is even better. So for anyone using Marci, they give you many choices to stay but most have far less then this hotel and are not in tune with Marci.

The aftermath

By KarenPayne,

So in my last entries I focused on assisting a trans person through SRS/GRS/GCS (pick one). They ended up with Rectovaginal fistula.

So after the initial surgery they stayed in the hospital for a week, back home for a week, back to the hospital for repairing the botched surgery, stayed there a week.

On top of this they were discharged to a recovery company for at least a week.

So there are plenty of these surgeries done each year, some overseas and here. A common factor for most is "I need this now, screw waiting" and then if you are one of the unlucky ones the above could happen or worst.  

When going forward with a surgery date way before that do lots and lots of research on whom is performing your surgery and if in doubt walk away as there are always other surgeons that are there to perform your surgery.

Every twelve months I am required to check in to my doctor for blood work in regards to me continuing on estradiol and spironolactone (anti-androgen). She indicated that there is no need to continue taking spironolactone since this is for blocking testosterone which I don’t have anymore.

Had a discussion on dilation, she transitioned 20 years ago so once a day for her. She sits in a warm bath tub and uses baby shampoo for liberation, think I will need to try this for the middle dilation of the day. Also talked about breast implants which I told her I have an appointment with a surgeon in several days. She asked, do you spray when urinating? I did for about three weeks and now everything comes out as it should. On a side note I am very happy about this as it felt strange peeing and having pee on my legs.

Now here is something I found interesting, she believes that transitioning is one of the most difficult paths a human take embark on. As we know many want to but do not because of monetary issues or physiological issues. Then there are some who manage to have GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) but in one way or another end up a failure which in some cases leads to death. I am fortunate to have many people help me along the way and it help that I had the mindset and the motivation to take the right path on my journey of life.

Thinking of "difficult path", I think nobody can deny that at one time or another we entertain our worst nightmares. I will be the first to admit to this were I would go to bed with horrible thoughts that I would never become the female on the outside that needed to happen. I can not even imagine some peoples nightmares were getting to the point they need to be will never happen, not the right support, lacking in funds and no real support from family, friends and co-workers. Then on the other side of the coin we have physical transformation which provides a huge step in "the" journey but also have many downsides. Downsides (my fav) like dilation, w/o hormones your body does not naturally produce them. How about finding a partner to love, that can be a path filled with happiness or depression, a true roller-caster. Neither path is peaches and crème but for me I am truly happy (except for dilation) and welcome what lies ahead and prey that those travelling this path never, ever give up finding their true selves.

In closing this in many ways has been an (in a good way)emotional day, this is what hormones do and I welcome them (except when my mascara runs).

I really don’t get it, over the past year men send me friend request on Facebook that are looking to date. Guess may be (not really) it partly my fault, should have a banner saying “Hey I was male but now female” in that I have no desire to date men but will admit to having a fling with one is just fine, otherwise I am on the other end of the spectrum, lesbian with a smidgen of bi .

When I was male and wanted to date a female I first make sure she was into men on her profile and was not currently dating someone. Seems that the men who ask for friend request never think to look at a woman’s preference in regards to does she like men, woman or perhaps both. Instead they seem to simply come back with something like the following which I got today.

Him: I was searching for old friends here and came across your picture and have to say you are beautiful. Now stop there, I consider myself average or below average in looks so don’t give me that kind of talk.

Keeping with the above I came right back at him and said “I was born male and now female”, I am mostly into woman.

I thought it would stop there but he comes back without saying anything about me once being male and says “So are you available, I would love to take you on a date”.

Me: Just to make this clear, you got the part about I was male. Him: Thanks for telling me, I did read that and was taken back for a second or two but you are now female now right? So I am still interested, no need to bring up your past unless you truly want too.

So I replied back (truthfully) that I was heading off with a sports car club for a morning ride. He comes back and says okay.

So I stopped the chatting but thought to myself (yes I am lesbian/bi) God he is handsome, I would be a fool not to give him a chance but need to exchange more email messages first to get a handle on him.

I went to a surgeon this morning. I was directed to a examination room, five minutes later the surgeon (male) and his assistant (female) walked in, did an introduction then proceeded to review the forms I filled out. While going through the forms I said "I just had gender reassignment surgery two months ago" and both of their jaws dropped. I could tell it was genuine from their facial expressions. Both of them were shocked indicating they thought I was a cisgender female (they did not use cisgender term) and said they would had never guess this was the case. I responded with "thank you".

After getting past this he asked me what exactly I was looking for. I indicated my desire was to have a breast size appropriate for my structure. He then had me sit a specific way and did a whole lot of measurements. Once finished with the measurements explained three different styles and shapes and made a recommendation on a size and shape. Then the assistant was curious how close was the recommendation to my breast forms, the size was the same but the shape was different. We then went into a discussion on how the implant shape would work on me.

He did indicate I had a fair amount of growth from hormones.

Size-wise looks like the low side of a C cup for me.

The entire visit with them was about 30 minutes followed by getting an estimate which is pretty much what I expected, $7925.00 total. Everyone I have seen is in the same ballpark.

I asked about doing this in May and was given May 21st as an open date. Will check with work to see if this works which I am sure it will then confirm the surgery date on Monday.

So in two months I will have boobs :-)

UPDATE: See the following thread for a chance on free breast forms

In six hours I have my last meal until who knows when since I will be still under the affects of anesthesia and was informed that it will be best to stick with things like soup, crackers and clear drinks for the day after surgery. After GRS I ate two light meals each day for the first two days so my guess is this will be no different.

Just took a five hour energy drink so I stay awake to around mid-night which will help me with several extra hours that if awake would be hungry. My friend is due at around 9AM with her son. Her son is driving us to the hospital around 10AM which is one hour early because he needs to be some place else. My friend gave me a grocery list to get food for her as she does not drive and I can not drive for two days (oh, we will see about cutting that done to one day).

So after 9 AM tomorrow morning I will be off the air here until I am guessing Thursday.

On purpose I recorded about 60 shows on television so I don't get bored (well I may very well get bored from watching television) the first several days after surgery. I am hoping by Friday to get out at least to my favorite coffee place which is just five minutes or less down the road.

Some might wonder how I feel inside? No different than right before gender reassignment surgery, kind of like going to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I expect joyful emotions to kick in by the weekend.

In closing out, I asked the surgeon to give me copies of images of me after surgery and will post them on my comcast ftp site sometime next week with before pictures too,



Female Voice

By KarenPayne,

I have thought for some time now that my female voice was decent and will take voice lessons in the spring. Well today I was surfing through some videos online for after GRS thoughts and decided to click on one that was about male to female voice exercises. The person said to get Pitch Lab and work on keeping your voice between B flat and C sharp. I looked at the app, it’s free so I downloaded it. Afterwards upon opening it up there are a ton on in-app purchases but no need, the part I needed is free. So I try it out, I pretty much nailed the acceptable range woohoo. Even though I nailed it I know there is still work to be done but happy to know I am on the right track. Back in 2008 when meeting with a doctor for hormones (did not start then until last November even though she approved me) she indicated that my voice did not need much work and should be easy to have a very good female voice with practice. I think the main obstacle is the need to change back and forth but not after my surgery.

We all know you can look female but when our mouth opens and the female voice is not there all is lost. Don’t know about anyone else but IMHO you need to work on it. There are times I will warm up by saying meow, each time raising my voice to what I think is acceptable. I learned this from a u tube video.

Before gender reassignment surgery one of the things that help me make my time in the wrong anatomy bearable was setting up a home studio where I could get away from the world. I could justify the cost which was done over many years to a rough sum of $20,000 because I have always played guitar and piano. Guitars along accounted for $5,000 where I have all but one which was sold recently to a guitar collector out of state. Over the past year I even managed to setup guitar amps and a revolving set of guitars to play in my living room where most times the television is on with the volume off.

My guess is the average person saving for transitioning can't afford this as they are funneling their funds for surgery and therapy treatment. With that said I think it's wise to find some kind of hobby to divert the day to day grief of being on the wrong anatomy. I would guess that many (and I did this too) will stay secluded in the confines of their home dressed as they believe they should be and shun the outside world in fear of the obvious. Three years ago around this time I realized this was not conducive to my mental well being so I dressed angougonous and got out into the world and when I was depressed to the point of not wanting to make human contact I wrapped myself into my music but made sure, along with my best friend that I did get out into the real world.

I believe it's paramount to not hide from the world but instead get out even if you must dress in the born gender at least for short amount of times then do what I did, dress angougonous which if your path dictates it one day you will get out dressed in the gender which your mind deems correct. But don't flip the switch from one gender to another over night.

So find a hobby and get out into the world which is much healthier than confining yourself to the confines of your home.   


Living room


Yesterday started out good but ended up as a very frustrating day overall. Got up, took a shower then ate breakfast followed by checking email. One of the messages was from Alaska airlines indicating there were congestion issues forecasted at the San Francisco airport (which is ten minutes from my hotel) and that my flight was moved to San Jose which is just over one hour away. Called the limo service right away and said no problem. Wait for two hours, limo driver comes to pick me up and advised me to call Alaska to make sure of the change. Well the automated help for Alaska was no help at all and got a live person who verified the change so off we went. Got there about 1.5 hours early, checked in and had some difficulties going through TSA and almost left without my wallet.

Waited around, 15 minutes before boarding they changed the flight time two times then announced they had a lot of people at San Francisco airport being shuttled over. That took sometime and finally boarded 45 minutes late.

When doing the pre-flight thing on the plane prior to taking off the pilot indicated he was doing a special take off called a slingshot which gets the plane in the air really fast and let me tell you it was very cool. I've never timed how long it took to get to the final height but this time was much much faster.

At one point he said we were ahead of schedule and got there and out of the plane fast.

Now I don't know when my shuttle leaves but do know it is 24-7 service. Wait at the place designated for a while and then call the service asking were the shuttle was and that I was late. They said about 10 minutes ago and the next one would be in about two hours (eeks). So I needed to wait there with nothing to do.

When the shuttle arrives it takes time to get people aboard. One thing nice is if you have a reservation you get boarded first. Did not time this either but there were several that had to pay and believe me that it takes time for that.

Get on the road and of course it is rush hour, more time sitting down which after GRS surgery really is not great.

Was supposed to be home by 4PM but did not get home until 7:30PM.

At this point I needed to unpack, get something to eat and dilate. The important thing is I must dilate especially since I had only dilated first thing in the morning and it really has not been that long since surgery so I see it as do not mess dilation unless unavoidable.

Screw cooking so off to McDonalds and they get my order wrong, back home, eat, setup for dilation and then do it. Starting the process was painful and have to wonder if it was stress or from missing the second dilation session. Oh, neighbor came over at one point and chatted with me.

When all was done it's about 10PM and have been up for a very long time and had zero issues falling asleep.

Hoping to get some rest this morning as friends are stopping by this afternoon and tomorrow I am driving from Salem Oregon to Portland Oregon for a visit with relatives.

Oh, I wake up this morning and my best female friend says her son is travelling past my town and wants to take me out to lunch. Her children all call me Anty LOL and are great kids ranging in age from 16 to 22.

I can not even imagine today being anything be great other than the fact my bottom is a tad sore.

I was responding to a post titled Courage of Being Transgender in Public and decided not to respond there as my response seemed better off as a blog entry, more visibility.


I have no issues passing and if I was not passable I would still had gone through my journey. Sure it's nice to pass and not be mis-gendered but focus should be on what makes you feel proper. 

For some Vaginoplasty is the only option, others might go with Orchiectomy and in rare cases Penectomy. Vaginoplasty needs two therapist approval and RLT (real life test) so going this route one commits to a gender change while the latter don't and one could very well live their lives in between two genders. Then still on the last two, one might want to fully transition but for health reasons is not an option.

These options are good to know going down this path especially if age and health might prohibit one of the options.

One must be absolutely positive before any of these options are performed as they of course are irreversible. I was asked to sign a waiver indicating I understood that at me pre-surgery appointment and it took longer to open the pen then to write my signature yet I have heard of some who did the RLT and obtained letters from therapist for GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) that have hesitated.

There are options for those who look at surgery as they only way to be happy and get surgery regardless of them having the ability to pass. For those who may not pass they need to consider will I be able to still support myself, how many family members and friends will be lost or if I rent will I be kicked out, yes any and all may happen.

If you read enough of my blog and post here I tend to paint a picture that is sometimes may sound like doom and gloom that hopefully gets those considering surgery to take real deep thoughts to the outcome of GRS and all that is entailed before and after surgery. Surgery is but a small part of the process yet so huge in the overall scheme of life that one must comprehend the end game and how about if one elects not to have surgery and that leads to a down fall of the person? It's a slippery slop.   

Bottom line is take the time and make the right decision where you end up in a happy place, leave this world not by frustration of being in the wrong body but leave this world after you have fully embraced a happy you.

Personally I am on a mission to destroy all federal and local records of me once being a man which at this moment in time is changing my birth certification.

I just watched the video below which some might think is boring yet in my mind is well worth the time and energy to sit down and watch. They talk equally to M-F and F-M. There are many who think they have it rough today but I believe after watching this video you will think differently.

One transgender, April, she is the epitome of making the right decision and is gorgeous to boot. I did learn that in a James Bond movie there was a transgender  and is was very hot. Of course not all transgender can be hot but it's nice to see some just the same.



I've been on a schedule to have blood work done every four months since starting on hormones where I don't see the doctor, just the tech for drawing blood out. Today I did see the doctor, gained one pound since I last saw her woohoo.

She goes over the normal things than says she want to examine me down below. She said I had excellent depth and width but said my urethra was a tad under size. Asked me if I had any issues, I responded truthfully, no issues.

When done she said I will see you in 12 months and in the mean time if you need refills for prescriptions call them in.

Next up, get some blood drawn, long story short they tried three times and zilch, nada, nothing. I said perhaps I can get my local doctor to draw blood (I have two doctors) and she gave me a sheet indicating what they needed. Got home and hit my local doctor, One try and Niagara falls. Afterwards she says I apologies in that I need to send your blood off as "male". I said guess I have no choice and walked out.

Two hours later she calls me and says she found a loop hole and was able to send my blood off as female.

So this is a heads up, the above happened today and several months ago the Red Cross wanted to do the same. With the Red Cross I said no but went back a second time and there was no issues, was listed as female.

So for those who are transitioning be forewarned about this.

Recently, in the past two weeks I have noticed my brain is working differently than in the past. I labeled this entry intangibles because as per the definition it is hard to touch on.

It all began last week, there was something that felt different in my thoughts. Sometimes I was razor sharp with the task at hand but other times I was off in my own little world. The only thing that makes sense is that this is a cumulative effect of being o hormones. I am truly thinking more like a cisgender females more and more each day and will be interesting to see how far this goes.

Think this is one of my shortest entries but an important one too.

About two years ago my best friend while out shopping with me purchased several pairs of Calvin Klein thongs then presented them to me when we returned to her home. I was both happy and sad, happy because I knew they would be worn at least once to celebrate while sad because it would be two years until they could be worn.

Two years is a long time and the thongs ended up in storage which I just found this week and thought it would be great to try them on which I did and love them. Okay then I thought that I will need pantie liners and don’t remember seeing them in my local grocery store but went back and sure enough they do have them. So for the past several days I have been in thong heaven. Went out today to Victoria’s Secrets and hunted for thongs but I don’t believe it, I did not like any of them accept of course the ones that were too large (I wear size small). Off to Macy’s and they not only had what I wanted and better quality but were three dollars cheaper woohoo.

So what is the big deal about thongs, by themselves absolutely nothing by themselves but just another point in fact that I am female (hear me roar lol). 

I think that many who are on the path of transitioning to that gender, in this case, female sometimes look at the big picture and forget about the small things which in this case is clothing but is also about their environment and how (at least for me) overtime one can look back and see a trail of breadcrumbs that make up the total package of the new you.

These little things that make up the package range from people opening doors to men flirting with you. A good example, I went to the mall and while waiting for my friend I sat down and was on my phone checking out Facebook and the man next to me turned and said, nice nails which was his opening to check me out. Yes I am into females which is not the point here. The point is that after two years of being out and three months post-op (and hormones) I truly act and react as a female. These things only come from being out in the real world, interacting with real people rather than sitting a home dressed. Now I am not saying someone who is not planning on transitioning should get out into the real world but those who are indeed moving towards GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery). This is why part of the requirement is to live in the gender you are moving towards. Heck I never realized thinking back how challenging it can be to live every second of my life as female and would think most can’t fathom what it is like until you actually do it.

So the thongs may seem like a small and insignificant thing but it depends on how you look at the big picture and then dissect what makes up the larger picture kind of like a jigsaw puzzle.  

This is what I am into for what it's worth in thongs in black, red and while. My friend gave me one in yellow but I am not into yellow for undies. 



Usually when I write an entry here it's done with some clarity but shoot from the hip meaning, sit down and write. Today the following sounded like something that needed to get out but when starting to type was very unsure how to express what I wanted to get out. So with that said it may read a bit disjointed but I will leave that to whomever decides to read on.

Today is rather interesting in how the day has gone mostly in ways I am attributing to my hormone regiment. Just now sitting on the couch watching television in a warm sweater and comfy bottoms, bare feet curled up in my favorite recliner thought to myself, two years ago I would be sitting here in tactical clothes wearing my firearm and shoes.

It's not simply the clothes worn but also my emotional states, watched "A million ways to die in the West"; and at one part of the movie was dilating where that part of the movie was (today) super funny which made me laugh so hard I had to hold the dilator in, mascara running down my face from laughing so hard. Before being on hormones I think I may had chuckled a tad bit but not like what happened today. Then I was watching something else that had me all caught up in an emotional moment were a man and a woman were in a romantic setting.

Have to say these things may sound trivial but they are coming across big time for me. Take one thing out of many things and no big deal but putting all the little things together show me what the hormones are doing to me. I read countless postings on the web where people talk more about physical things and not so much what is going inside of them.

My former self and my current self are becoming like night and day in many ways and it's happening ever so slowly, kind of like one day my hair is short then next thing I know it's several inches longer, like when did that happen.

So at least for me, hormones have crept up on me every so slowly stealing away the last remnants of who I once was, today there really is nothing left of the male and could not be happier.

As many know, I had this performed with my gender reassignment surgery. I was told it would take about one year for full transparency and at three months post surgery I had this one tiny bump that had been bothering me. Well today I was wiping my neck from sweating as it's just under 100 degrees here and it dropped off with no visible telltale signs that is was even there.

Just like any surgery these things take time and so happy that this happened now rather than down the road. 

This goes along with my (use to be) un-favorite topic of dilation which today is a walk in the park. Sadly I have heard there are some who paid for gender reassignment surgery that are interested in men that fail to listen to surgeon's instructions to dilate and learn to late that things close up and not usable.

Back to tracheal shave, ever time I look in the mirror or at pictures of myself in recent times vs prior to the shave it makes all the difference in the world, a second only to a decent female voice. So if you have a protruding Adam's apple and going for gender reassignment surgery I highly recommend having this procedure done.

Check out pre and post photos here http://marcibowers.com/mtf/mtf-services/tracheal-shave/


For many years, I experimented with tucking my privates with many failures and success. Once I found a great gaff the company decided to change it and did not work for me anymore so I used the few I had until they fell apart and just as the last one was done for I found a replacement that I stumbled upon and have been using for the past 15 years.

My requirements were simple using the following situation. Be able to go use the toilet, stand up and tuck in less than a minute and remained firmly in place so not be reveal privates even with leggings.

The method was rather simple, purchase a normal gaff and boy shorts from Spanx. Tuck, pull up the gaff into position then pull up the boy shorts, done.

Now the reason for writing about this is because I was looking for my car title which I need to update within 30 days of my name change and have not seen it since 2009 when I paid the car off. So while looking for the title I found a forgotten supply of old gaffs (God only knows why I kept them) in a footlocker on the bottom and low and behold the title was on the top woohoo.

So I now have a trash can filled with gaffs ready to be toss soon as I am finished here.

Any ways I am happy that in just under 6 weeks NO MORE tucking.

Went to check the balance on my checking account two days ago and I found a charge that I did not recognize, called the bank and they are working on a resolution to get my money back. What I really like about my bank is, you walk in, tell them what happened then the cancel the card and create a new one on the spot.

I am extremely diligent with my card and the only time the card is out of my seight is when purchasing gasoline (Oregon is you can not pump your own) so it has me wondering if that is the case or when I did a online purchase at Victoria's secrets last week. Hopefully the bank will track down who is responsible for this.

Gets you thinking especially with all the hacking which has been going on recently

Several months ago I mentioned being invited for a girl’s night out at work but never materialized until last night. We planned on five of us meeting at a nice upscale local bar inside of a prestigious hotel at 5PM while myself and one other of the woman started early at 3:30PM. The two of us chatted about of all things manicures and pedicures for about thirty minutes until another of the ladies arrived at around 4PM followed by a third not soon afterwards while the last one arrived at 5PM.

While four of us where there one said think of this as Vegas, what happens and is said here stays here. So that lead into various chats about other people at work which where both positive and negative. After several drinks were consumed things got way crazy and fun. I told them a story about one of my co-workers whom I have been working with for 18 years who still calls me Kevin purely by accident now and then. He did this over the past two days and with two new people in our group so it came to a head and I said to the new employees, guess you figured out what’s going on. They looked up and said no. I said prior to January of this year I was male. Got the typical response, I had no idea. When finished telling the story to the ladies they said if they were in the new employees shoes they would not had guessed I was male before. Next thing I see, it’s almost 8PM so myself and two others leave while the last two are waiting for rides from their husbands.

I love the next part, I am wearing all black, top and skirt and while walking out of the bar I am getting men turning to look at me and just before exiting the bar one man gives me a nice big smile. Walking out I realized that one does not simply get looks at that moment but would guess they had been looking at me while sitting down with my friends. That was indeed a good feeling to be noticed this way.

So I will chalk this up to a great evening.



So I finally had intercourse today which upfront I told the man I was not interested in dating or a relationship as he is into me but he needed to know I am not letting this going any farther and he is fine being friends and having this time together today.

I was very happy in regards to me able to accommodate him as he was larger than average so that means for those reading this that the larger dilator does allow for larger size penises. He did everything right to arouse me, took his time and I let him know I was ready (was kind of hard to miss me panting and so forth). Afterwards we laid there for a while embracing the moment.

I still don't have much of any sensation inside but I do have a fair amount of sensation in regards to my clit. We went through various positions rolling around which was much more than I expected so that was a bonus.

Right before leaving we agreed to do this again in a couple of months, something in the fall.

Lastly, guess I am bi-sexual for the time being :) 

I am not one to call people on the phone which my mother knows all so well but when she calls we usually chat for between one and two hours. She lives on the opposite coast, 94 years old with the mind of a 40 year old which is truly amazing.

Tonight we talked about some of my old girlfriends and she talked about some of her old boy friends back when she was 18 years old.

One of the stories was when I was out and about with a few guy friends all night, came home and my father was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of coffee. He turned and looks at me and said "Debbie is waiting for you in your bedroom". Debbie was unlike most girls I had dated in my late teenage and early twenties. I met her at a bowling alley, she caught my eye big time while working the snack area. She came over to give food to a customer and I made some remark like "Hey girl", she flipped me the finger. Okay, challenge is on. I went back to her area and started a conversation which at one point turned into discussing billiards and if memory serves me correct started downing beers and getting a tad rude at her. She offered me a peace offering, a hot dog which I accepted but later regret-ed it because she had cooked it in a deep fryer. All in all some how that rocky started turned into a two year party between the two of us.

Going back to the night when my father indicated she was in my bedroom, I went up to my bedroom, she was asleep so I got into bed with her. Next morning she had no clue where her clothes were so she slipped into some of my clothing. So that was that.

Tonight when talking to my mother I mentioned Debbie. She said I remember that night, I was awake when she came in dressed with very little clothing, dressed as an American Indian, sat down with your father and produced a bottle of Jack, asked where I was, slugged back a few then without asking said she was going to bed, my bed. Well my father liked Debbie so he let her go up there.

Then I hear the rest of the story, my father was a firemen and was listening to the fire/police scanner and head a call come across that the police were looking for a teenage girl dressed as Debbie was. My parents never told me this which all I could do was simply laugh.

Is there a point here? Maybe, kind of. 

All throughout my teenage years I was fixated on wild attractive females and never once stroke out. Years later I truly believe all these woman felt a male/female connection but did not realize it until later in the relationship which eventually ruined said relationship.

Are you still with me (heck I am wondering myself lol)

I find it interested to look back over some 40 years of adult life confused about my gender and now finally coming to terms with Karen so that the past does make sense where it did not many times which was at times mind blogging.

I can let it all go now knowing the at least 90 percent of the woman I dated even back through high school know it was not who they thought I was and have come to terms with Karen. Now the funny thing is my 40th high school reunion is next month and the invitation went out to my male name which was crossed out and penned in Karen Payne :)   

Thanks for sticking with me on this!

This is a game changer for life so the answer to pursue hormone replacement treatment should not be sought after until you have taken the time to place yourself into isolation many times and come out with "this is right for me"

The following may not be suited for everyone and even so might possible change your opinion of me but I am coming from a very different place here

So while teaching a group of people mixes included everyday people and military I posed the question; in front of you is a child with their hand reaching for the trigger of a IED, do you pause or take the shoot? I then stand there and say nothing which (try it sometime, ask a question where you know that nobody wants to answer and then just stand there, they are forced to respond) Bottom line, in this situation hesitation means you are dead.

Like the question above indecision with hormones can very well destroy your life either mentally or physically or both. If you jump the gun without placing yourself into isolation and be truthful with yourself, back to mental/physical damage.

What is isolation?

Example, you walk deep into a forest, sit down and completely clear your mind of everything then focus on solely on you and hormones. If after this you decide to move forward go home, walk up to a mirror and clear your mind, look at yourself in the mirror and be truthful, ask yourself "Is HRT right for me", there should be zero hesitation. If you said yes this is right for me continue with life but mark your calendar to do the mirror thing again at least 10 times and if there is zero hesitation seek medical assistance to get treatment.

My path

My path did not involve the forest and not everyone can use a forest, you might drive to a secluded place and do the same thing. I would find my place that worked and would ask myself the question which was over at least one year's time. I then made an appointment with a doctor for getting on HRT. We sat down together and discussed how I came to my decision which included telling her I had seen a therapist who approved me for HRT (in later years he included me in a book he wrote that devoted a chapter on me). I told the doctor I had the letter with me if she would like to see it. She placed her hand on my knee and said "dear, I see it in your eyes that you are indeed a candidate for HRT and all I need is blood work from you". She said an assistant would be in to take my blood and make a copy of the letter (she never read it). Two days later I was called asking where should they send the prescription to?

A point from the above, during the doctor consultation I believe she saw in my face and eyes from my explanations that there was zero doubt in me to move forward with HRT. I have been using her now for two years and learned that she is not so easy with others. I know of two others who were down right denied HRT until they could produced therapist letters. 


As mentioned above, you must have zero doubt in your mind before making an appointment with a doctor to move forward with HRT. Don't listen to stories that say you an stop before six months and revert back to pre-hormone treatment as this is a strong indicator that those people were not ready and may never be ready for hormone replacement treatment.