Hi there all
I always stressed about the most insignificant things in the world... My looks? Will I be loved for who I am? Does my life matter at all? Am I making a difference on how people view me and others like me? Can I change the perspective of people who think less of me for not identifying with my given gender on my birth certificate? What does my family think of me? Are my friends just friends to find out if I will fail in life and my dreams? How successful will I be before and after I start medically transitioning? Could life be easier if I just take life as other think I should live it? Does my happiness count? Will I ever find a doctor who supports my decision in transitioning? Will I pass successfully? Would I get at least a 34B cup size when transitioning? Will my vagina, my purse, my sweet spot, my numph, my cookie, my vee jay jay, my oooh la laaaah ever look perfect like a naturally born cis gender female?
Well, as the years passed, I became less obsessed with all of this, because my boobies, certainly decided to stop at only ??? Important only, if they appreciate my honesty in who I am and what I do.
Thanks all. This wasnt long, because it was just the what if I don't then.what now, to oh screw what they think. People will.only be honestly happy for me if I'm honestly happy for myself.
Good day all
I do miss those days when I could unassumingly just blend into an ocean of faces without even a second glans.
What has changed????
Well that rock on top of me, it's not even a chip anymore. Yes had the burden of not being any person in particular, because showing my feelings or true self would end in my world imploding.
Confidence. Well check the pics in my last few updates. The more relaxed, confident persona I exude now then back then. Well going from cute, to ooh mama your hot also helps. And the weight I've gained, positively radiant.
Talking about the weight, for my 5'8 (1,74m) tall structure. Before and early transitioning, left me with this constant urge, to stay under 110Lbs (53kgs), as I couldn't come to believe that a bit more weight on me would look good. But it also helped me blend in more, with my unassumingly process of non-existence. Now at 135Lbs (62kgs), I feel so much better about myself, bit more roundings, and yes flaunting it all in your face attitude. Oooh dont get me on body fat, that was below 7% and now so close to 20% if not sort of over that.
Well I miss blending in, but why would I want to hide my existence from anyone now. I am a strong woman, that doesn't find strength in others, but within myself.
I look good, and even if you dont want to say it, you know it.
I'm confident to the level of making people around me comfortable allowing their trust to come out.
I'm strong. And no physically I'm just capable of controlling a guy in a fight, not stronger then a man. But mentally I'm unbreakable.
Unwavering in my beliefs.
Proud of who and what I've become. How many people can say they in the career they dreamed of as a child.
Loyal to my family and friends.
Pretty hazelnut eyes.
Perky tits, even if they only a 32A, they mine and fit me perfectly. And I don't care what anyone says. You want them bigger, pay for it and give yourself the boobjob.
Struggling with normal human thing. Yes this is a positive, because if I thought that I'm to good for humanity (finances, day to day running), well you know what I mean.
With this all, there are still days, I need to blend in with the crowd, albeit being I need to be between models to look like a normal blend of person. I do appreciate being called a flower between my male counterparts at work who are the thorns.
Good evening all
As the title says I'm confused...
The confusion comes in when people try to assimilate being transgender or intersex into a WTF area and make those people feel like they nothing and don't deserve to breath the same air as them.
Well, let me see. I'm intersex identifying as transgender, but more specifically identifying as female and always have. Trying to nullify my existence only gets the dragons fire breathe that much hotter, as I clearly look like a 10 (boasting some what cause I can in a transgender and cisgender world).
Okay, I also understand the hatred I'm getting from the cisgender females. But, "Baby I'm sorry, I'm not sorry!!!" Yes, I got looks with a package of personality too, and I'm not a fake ass person. As the song also say, "If you talk that talk baby. Better walk that walk baby." I do it, not because I talk the talk, but I talk the talk because I walk the blooming walk. And I can't help that you trying to make me feel like I'm nothing. Cause I'll never be nothing. I'm proud, strong, sexy, vivacious, older then you think cause I look younger then your wannabe all I am in all my stunning personality, and not to mention unstoppable force of nature.
The confusion is how people want to be you, but dont want to go through the struggles you faced, that made you the strong, independent woman you are. What they think that, perfection just happened by mistake, it took year to polish the attitude, well the looks were there I guess, just enhanced now. This is probably the only time I'll comment with a picture from my past. But these were taken a few hours ago.
Well, the message that I'm trying to convey is... The only time people will notice you is, when you have the confidence to take life by the balls of the proverbial bull, because taking him on by the horns well girl, you know he going to fight you so much harder as he thinks you'll just go down easier, but grabbing his ball and twisting your vices grips that but harder each time he tries to squirm or fight you to attack you that much harder. Life will learn, no matter how petite its opponent is, don't underestimate the capabilities of them, because even the smallest person can have a big heart that will cause them to win where you thought it was impossible.
Now ladies, lets take life by the bulls balls, and twist just that little bit harder each time life tries to sucker punch us to the ground, trying to make us uncertain about ourselves. We are only human and also need to be loved, respected, and adored by onlookers, just like anybody else.
I hope, you all are well and will not let life knock you down for too long, as the fight for equality has only begun.
Love, hugs and respect
Let me start off with saying, I know that I haven't been active in a long time, and I might not get to say this...
Merry Christmas to all of you celebrating the festive season. May this bring you everything you thought it would and more.
I had an eventful few months and that is so going to get me disowned if I'm not already disowned... But that is another story for another day, when I probably need to vent.
I got engaged in the last few months and only my niece, also the one I call my child, and she agrees that I'm being disowned and flung out like last years fashion that will never become a craze again. So yes, engaged and I do love him, flaws and all.
Then, I started working on shifts again, and my time is so occupied with work and love life that I barely have time to think about what to tell you.
Ooooh, did I mention that my one doctor finally gave me the letter that is required to change my gender marker on my ID, and that only took something like 4 years to get. And now the other doctors that said they would assist me are the problems in doing what I need to do. How can this be so difficult to get the letter required for the change. I also said that I will only marry once these changes have been executed on my ID. But I also might subconsciously want to wait a while for making certain that I made the right choice in giving my heart to someone.
So yes, my medical check ups for script renewal has changed to once a year, but I need my script rewritten every 6 months.
I tore some ligaments in my right hand and could use it properly for 9 weeks, okay it's 12 weeks already, and it is still painful to do some moves, and to fight properly with my hand. Okay, it happened because I was in a fight with a guy who's face was harder then the back of a pickup or brick wall. Okay, it was also justifiable that I knocked the guys teeth out, after all he was beating a teenage girl with a golf club and he was a grown ass man.
What else did I not mention that I think you should know about???
Really can't think now, but my operation was a success, seeing that I got through the complications that I faced for a time frame afterwards. Developed blood clots that just didn't want to go away, and bled like a leaking bottle for a bit more then 6 weeks, and it freaked me out the few times I woke up covered in blood, and that my precautions didn't even help me.
Did I mention that my hair is now slightly over shoulder length. I settled down to around 135-140Lbs no longer 145Lbs. Doesn't help my breast development, but I also thought of having a discussion with the endocrinologist on the possibility to change me to another estrogen form, cause I can't figure out what is making me nauseous. Might be the medication, or something else, like stressing. Yes, you would also be stressing if you knew the man that you love is kinda, sort of, disliked by your family, because I can't figure out how to convince them that he is right for me.
Having my legs licked and probably telling me to stop having a discussion with myself, I will be doing the following.
Merry Christmas my sweets, stay as kind as you are. I've not forgotten you, so have constantly thought of what to tell you, but when I had the words, I definitely didn't have the time to write anything.
Keep safe please, as I don't want to hear of another death of someone I knew. Okay, two so called family members, wait was three if recall properly. Father's brother (no he wrote each other off one Xmas, after he decided to attack me for being trans, so not family), cousins husband (didn't know him, and I think I stopped at the accident without knowing about it, and was working), aunt's brother (she married in so does that make him family), and the same aunt's boyfriend (yes she turn 70 this week, in the last 2 months we had to deal with him that got a stroke, and I was the last person around him as his last 2nd and last stroke took his life. He was so looking forward to her birthday and Christmas, but just made it to December).
So be safe and enjoy the festive season. I will be watching over those of you close to me.
Kind loving hearts blossom
Friends, family and loves
We gather in a time of giving
Not the giving of presents
But the giving of hearts
We are all here
Not just waiting, but
Fighting for what we were taught
The teachings of what is right and wrong
And I guess, that we have finally started believing
Believing in our dreams and what our hearts are telling us
So go forth and be who you were meant to be.
Hi there all
I thought that my migraines would be a thing of the past seeing that it is testosterone related, but hey it the first I had in a few months.
The sensation of getting nauseous and disliking the way light makes my eyes and head feel is one thing I dont like. It aggravates me to a degree that I would just want to punch a hole through a wall just to focus the pain on something else.
I know when my estrogen levels are higher with my intake it deminishes. So I will definitely be talking to my endo about lifting the dose so that I can actually demish this sensation, seeing that after this operation it was dropped to 0.625mg to maintain my body. Not mentioning what I am taking as I am not prescribing medication for anyone and this is lower then what the international doses are, and yes I also know that I shouldn't be comparing South Africa with any other country, but when it comes to administering certain medication, we are following a totally different set of rules.
Majority of the time I'm feeling better. But the hematoma has gotten me down a few more times this week too. Did I mention, that the surgeon told me initially after the first week after the surgery that the hematoma would disappear after about 6 weeks, and 9 days later when I went for a followup again, that it looks as though my recovery will take about 2 to 3 months. What a bummer, right. I was thinking that I would be good and running about by now.
Okay, seeing that I'm giving an update, here goes. I can walk short distances and then I'm sore, which a long distances (endurance) walker doesnt want to hear right, precisely. I gained 2Lbs in the first week, lost 6Lbs a week later, and then gained a pound the week after that only to go down and he pound I gained. I know that this is due to the hormonal fluctuations caused by the operation, but now I'm wondering if this fluctuations aren't only effecting my weight, capabilities to eat and also possibly this onset of the migraine.
The reason I started the blog was to check how my mood and everything would change.
Talking about my mood changing, I've come to find a difference in the way I handle stressful situations. Normally where I go through the sensation of wanting to smash, meaning punch things when I'm angry, I release it through tears. Yes, I've become a cry baby of sorts. But I still tackle things head on first.
But if I didn't mentally change throughout this hormonal fluctuations in my body, as the chemistry in my brains are normalizing I wouldnt be human to start with right.
So be prepared for changes and keep holding on. We are all strong individuals, and we should all learn how to be vulnerable as well as the heroes we might be to others. Because being strong doesn't mean we dont have weaknesses, it just means we have learnt how to deal with those weaknesses that were flung unto us.
Stay strong, be beautiful. And above all, what does aphrodisiac beauty mean, as I've been told I am that, any good explanation please, as I dont see myself as a knockout beauty queen.
Cheers for now
Operation day was 7 March 2017.
Well, no more Estrogen and no more Testosterone development for me, as no more testicles or ovaries for me.
Which was brought on 11 months prior when I developed, make that discovered growth, got admitted to hospital for chemotherapy which made me so sick that I lost 12kgs (+-26Lbs), and the 7 months ago removing the growths as the original doctor decided to be a hostile transphobic fool, and the younger surgeon with a newer practice was trans-friendly. Because I know the likelihood of growths return every few years.
Well, today I am feeling better then what I felt in the first week where I developed a hematoma, and the 2nd Saturday I woke up early and thought I needed the bathroom, but when I got there it was to find that I was bleeding.
Preemptively I bought sanitary towels for the bleeding. And it saved me from having bloody underwear, clothes or bedding. I just had that Saturday where the bleeding overflowed the pads. And with the first overflow I uttered profanity and a friend that slept over jumped up and ran to me to check on me. Told him, everything is fine, and seeing that it was 02:00am as I got back into bed told him that I'm bleeding excessively, but not enough for me to warrant me to go to hospital. For the rest of that day I was cursing as the blood kept on overflowing and smudging and staining my underwear with blood.
I was so drugged on pain medication most of the first 2 weeks that I the 2 nights I went to bed unprepared with a lack of pain meds in my system I woke up crying in pain, and that was all duing the first week. I learnt that my hot water bottle was my best friend as it helped subdue the pain as it was mostly abdominal pain.
Currently I'm doing better and had a doctors appointment on Thursday where I was told the hematoma looks like it will take another 2 months to recover and I requested a medical letter putting me on light duties when returning to work the duration the hematoma for recovery.
The statement made at the last doctors appointment for the checkup. Michele you know you can't have any biological children anymore, the procedure was irreversible. I looked at him asking. What would you have done. A growth once means I'll be plagued with growth every few years, and I dont want to go through that again. And the Testosterone blocker Spiranolactine that I was using and at the dosage required by my body to stop the development of Testosterone in my body would put my kidneys and liver at risk of failure in the next year to three, by which time I would love to have done te GRS but in the unlikely event that I will struggle to get the GRS done then I safe myself the heartache of my organs failing. He looked at me saying, you one of the few patients a doctor gets that know the pros and the cons of the procedures done. And I wsh you all the luck. We ended our discussion and I gave him te statistics of the quality of medical expertise versus the cost in South Africa versus Thailand. 3 to 5 times less experience and the quality but the expenses are 3 almost 4 times more expensive.
So have the best intentions of doctors that I personally selected. I like their service with a smile and knowing that each patient is an individual.
Love life. Respect all.
Went for my bi annual endocrinology check at the end of January 2017, and all went well.
Then for a urology check up, more like an appointment date for my bilateral orchidectomy on 2 March 2017. And got an appointment date for 7 March 2017, which was yesterday.
I had 4 days to prepare for surgery so went and stocked up on pads (sanitary towels) for the possible bleeding, paid the doctors fees of basically R4000.00 and the requested the bill from the hospital which the doctor estimated at another R4000.00+.
Chose my shoes, as the last time wearing heeled boots was a bad idea, I took my slip ins, and an easy to get in pants.
Get to hospital at 06:40 as I needed to get booked in by 07:00 and find the doors still locked. But at 06:50 a nurse pulls up and says, hello Michele, follow me. You can go book in so long, I will be with you shortly.
So far so good friendly staff.
Everyone enquires if I'm Afrikaans or English speaking, I say they choice is yours. Just dont ask me to write in Afrikaans, I write very poorly in that language, just speak it predominantly. And the forms I left open on title, I see Werner the receptionist at the helpdesk for surgery admission made it Mej the Afrikaans abbreviation for Miss of Ms. So glad even though I hadn't put anything he put the right abbreviation on as my title.
Pre operation theater, doc comes and says this is going to hurt and injects me 3 different places and the last one just above a crack was the most painful. Ouch... 10 minutes later gets asked to walk to the theater as I'm number 1 on the list.
Now the uncomfortable section, lying there exposed for the world to see. The nurses start using female pronouns to make me feel at ease and when the doctor who is uncertain about the pronouns to use, just falls in with continuing the female pronouns the whole way.
They tell me that it might burn me, and I smell flesh burn. I just say, can't feel anything so do your thing. They have this green sheet up between us so we can't see each other and we chatting the whole way through. Somewhere near the end as they move to the left, I start feeling what they do and say. Now I'm feeling, but continue and get it over and done with. Here as promised I started giggling in my Mortisha Adams sleeping pose. We talk about my nursing days and weird scenes I've attended to as a police official.
Now he starts taping me up and explaining that I must only wear tight underwear. I ask him if he remembers the shape of the underwear I use, and all of them are tight doctor, so no worries. They say I can move to the recovery room where coffee is offered to me, and I drink it because my head was spinning, yes a dizzy baby.
The nurse fetched my bag with 2 steamed beef dumpling in it. I ate them and drank my coffee.
Well in the morning one of my friends were supposed to drive me there and take me home, but in this case I felt like I was late and drove myself home again. Pain levels as I left the hospital before getting behind the wheel of my car was a 3/10, but as soon as I started driving the pain went up to a 5/10.
Get home and everything draws out of my body and I walk like an old woman with a walking stick. I ended up for today and yesterday with pain levels around 7/10 maybe an 8/10. I know, closest pain I've ever felt was a full blown migraine. Talking a migraines, apparently my migraines are Testosterone related, the more present the stronger the migraine.
The last I managed to number 2 was yesterday morning before leaving for hospital. I'm micturating with ease.
My pain starts just below my diaphragm and ends just below my pelvis area, with only my ass spared from the pain.
Well tomorrow is checkup day, precisely a week later. I've been bleeding everyday, but small amounts. So nothing to write home about. The pain is sometimes unbearable, but I'm a big girl. Some sswelling to my right side, just hope its not an infection, because then more pain...
On the bright side, started having a guy over, and had the transgender discussion, but I wanted him to read my fb profile which explains it, but his friends saw it first, and now he has this attitude saying it doesnt change me, and they should be concerned about their lives, and then he said I should read a message from his mom who is also not approving of me being transgender and getting to know her oldest boy better. So I am enjoying his company and my oldest sister has met him, we officially met on 3 March 2017.
Live your life accordingly.
And dont be forced to take the road you dont want too.
Tuesday came, and it was the last day of January by that. Left work early, and got to the endocrinologist. Marli had her normal checks and we spoke. But what made me zone out was, here is a referral, you need to go for a mammogram. Lucky we already went through the blood works that I took on the previous Friday.
I got to work the next day, as the blood works is showing signs of cholesterol and that my testosterone levels are higher. Normal male ranges but still half of what I started out on before HRT. Some other readings also messed about. But I should say, 6 months earlier we dropped my blocker dosage to half what I was using because of the potassium resistance my body was experiencing.
Thursday on Feb 2, I went for the mammogram. Yes, I was anxious, nervous, scared, all the crying emotions were all collected in my body. Even the with drawn little girl. My friend had my car and forgot that I had an appointment so I was taken by a colleague who lives in the area of the hospital. Told him to meet me there or all hell will be directed at him.
Came out of hospital and to in my car, looking as if some dog has taken my good and ran away. Just teary eyed, unresponsive and clutching my results. Normally by this point my results would be opened and checked by myself, but because this wasn't a Michele request it was scaring the living daylights out of meArarat.
Friday came and went and still I'm refusing to read the results. Saturday also comes and goes, and as I arrived home around 00:00 this morning. I decided to sit myself down and force myself to read it as this moping around for a forced test is just bull. Read it so slow, and once done, realize but the results says everything is normal, I just have a dense pair.
Thus relieved I decide I can go sleep. So my last week ended in me stressing for sweet nothing.
Good day all
Okay, don't be all flustered and think that it changed my attitude to the world, it didn't, I'm just pointing out what I did, and somehow I am still getting people following me and hitting on me. What I did I don't actually know. But this is the steps that I took. Maybe it was a form of liberation, but it was definitely a way to say, look at me and be certain that I am human and not going anywhere.
In a recent Facebook entry I made I wrote:
* 36 years old
* police official with sergeant rank
* from South Africa, born and raised as a Capetonian, and lived for a while in Johannesburg before moving back
* 1.74m (5'8&1/4") tall
* 64kg (145Lbs)
* naturally dark brown hair, but currently dyed
* love; cars, sushi, pizza, salads, firearms (actually weapons), sleep, fighting styles (martial arts, boxing, kick boxing)
* no children, but also not planning on any in my near future
* Gender: transgender female (even if I'm intersex, just my gender identity still)
* Sexuality: Multiple classification (A-sexual and to a degree hetero sexual)
* marital : not married, and never planning to take that step.;=
* friends: usually close knit, and mixture between male and female
life goals : career and gender equality and understanding (transgender rights - activism), writing
This is but a small part of me and the rest I normally open up with as time goes by. I hate dishonesty, but I know a white lie has its place and time.
Whomever has a problem with me being so frank about myself, they can up and delete themselves.
Oh, if I don't request to see you naked, it is clear I don't want to see you naked. And my facebook is for the facilitation of platonic relationships, and that does mean that other things can come, but platonic it will be unless mutually agreed upon for something else.
I don't say, fear me, as I am human. But I also don't say try to take me for a fool, because I will know and when I let the steam out to warn you enough is enough you definitely won't like me. As nails, teeth, fangs (I've been asked if I had them put in to look like a vampire at times), fist, open hand, feet, knees, elbows, thighs, oh just my whole body will be used to throw that train off its tracks into a raging ocean.
My love for cars, doesn't mean I need to drive a V8 Ford Mustang, V10 Audi R8, Mercedes AMG (so many to choose C63 AMG would do). So I drive what fits my personality and pocket, even if it doesn't look like a vehicle someone else would buy, don't try and influence me, you not my father who knew my likes and dislikes more, and also knew that I'm more of a head then heart purchaser.
Wheat I don in life I do to make me proud and that of what my father instilled in me. To be true to myself, as I know he is watching his baby's every move.
This will upset some that I'm open about myself, but that clearly doesn't put others in my shoes, as mine is a unique size 6 just for me.
Ps. I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT PEOPLE READ BIO's BEFORE SENDING REQUEST. NOW THIS IS A POST INTRODUCTION, SEEING THAT SOME NEGLECTED TO ACTUALLY READ IT IF THEY HAVEN'T KNOWN THIS ABOUT ME.
In one I got 66 likes, and 42 positive answers, the other 30 likes and 3 comments that were positive. I'm definitely not saying that any of you should be as blunt as me, because, I know that I am unique with similar experiences at different times, or just totally different experiences emphasizing my uniqueness. But seeing that I'm not looking for a relationship that is more then platonic, I thought this was a way to let the people around me understand that this is me, and gave them enough time to think about what I said and delete themselves from my profile. I definitely don't have a problem facing the war head on, because that means the understanding of who we are, are just that much easier. And coming from a person that isn't a high profile it amounts to a lot. With that said, my profile increased with over 2000 people in the last 3 weeks, making me feel like it is the best time to start taking on the world on my profile to make them understand the truth. I just haven't figured out how to properly introduce it to them, but I went to a 16 days of activism, which was directed more to the women and children, somehow the bullying part came in and they noticed that I'm not absentminded or even afraid, and I mentioned that I was bullied by my commander for being transgender, but they also knew that I am in the police as I was introduced on my rank. I showed that I had to overcome adversity by striking back in the best way I knew how and the only way that the bully would stop, and they looked at me asking how someone that's in the police can be bullied is just wrong. I had to say, bullies are everywhere, but I knew that my bully whom was much shorter and skinnier then myself was my bully. And you would see that they take on strong people that doesn't like to react, because in this case she was trying to get me to physically assault her to work me out of the police. Which I didn't fall for, so I hit her where it hurts the most, her pocket.
I wish you all a splendid week and yes, I am back at work and loving some of the time. Others I just want to stink bomb some offices. If I don't write something closer to Christmas, I wish you all a happy festive season, and love yourself, because that is the biggest gift you can give yourself, because not even GRS, HRT or any of the other surgeries are going to make you appreciate and love you, if you don't do it for yourself. I might make you feel closer to human then what you are feeling, but it will never make you feel complete.
Love and Hugs
Good evening all
Yes a retrospective look at what is what...
Why so many transgender or gender non-confirming persons are to denied the passing as the gender they have always known themselves to be is the hardest to understand. It comes with the fact that some families would rather deal with a sibling or child as being heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual, but bring up the transgender or transsexual word and everyone freaks out.
So in retrospect, I was thinking of the time I was trying to fit into a norm that families would make us to believe are better then being true to oneself. I've even given me time frames to get to grips with when my family would accept it and if they couldn't I would be fine as living my life as a gay man. Who could believe that I was actually worried about what they were thinking, because at the end, the love, appreciation and understanding that I have for myself is of a greater importance to me then what acceptance is from other persons. And the only point I'm focused on at the moment is that of GRS and not worrying what they have to say about myself, as the person I had to be to be accepted at a small level was not the person I wanted to ever be.
After much consideration, I never ran away because I couldn't bare that I would leave behind the 3 most important persons in my life, my departed father, oldest sister and that of not my oldest, but time youngest niece, now my 2nd brother's oldest daughter. Well, the thought of disappearing and going ahead with the transition early was always on my mind... And the scolding eyes of my mother that always tells me I'm in the wrong and that I should just be what she wants me to be, then I would've had to marry and have children in hopefully that way, because if that is what they desired that is normally what they got. But growing a pair and understanding that my happiness needs to be placed first and others would see that the other me was just a front and that person had no personality or soul, just an empty shell that roamed the earth because that was what was expected of that person.
What I can say about faking being CIS and gay is this, being soulless and not actually caring about what happened to you in the world is a real threat. Because it left me to be reckless in almost everything. From drinking and driving, I guess was in the hope that I would be in an accident and caught in a burning vehicle to be burnt to death to an unidentifiable corpse. Well, I'm glad that I never actually got to that point, because then I wouldn't have known what it is to be open about being me. And yes, I know that it is part of my facebook introduction so that those that send friend request should know I gave them a dis-closer of who and what I am.
Why am was thinking about this during the day, I really don't know, but the fact is. We all have some times thought this, why did I first have to do this so that the community and my family could accept me, but in truth you never accepted yourself for who and what you were. So the first step to being happy about the person you have become, is thinking about if everything is as you would have done it, or are you at least at a spot in life where you can be happy to continue.
I reached my happy spot. And if my mother pees on my batteries, I take a step back and tell her, I can stop with what I am doing, but just know this and understand this fact. The likelihood that I will commit suicide is so much bigger, because I've never been happy as the person you wanted me to be, I'm not that person you think I am, I am Michele yes, not the Michel you wanted me to be, because I am an individual. And this individual is transgender. Without my brain being aligned with my hormonal structure I can not function and I am planning on aligning my body to the rest of my body because that is what I've always wanted, and I know you know that I've always voiced my beliefs and how I felt as a child, because I can remember telling you back then, and you saying that it must only be a phase. What kind of phase last 36 years mother, what kind of torture do you want me to live through. If you were as much invested in me as your son you almost died with at birth, or the daughter that came after him, you might've understood me. Yes, I also know that you wanted a daughter before my birth and my body tried to fool you, but you surgically had my happy space removed to leave me with a body that I can't stand looking at. A body that makes me so uncomfortable I can't find myself to love my body and that is placing strain on me and relationships because I feel like I am not worthy of being loved because I can't love myself... Yes make me stop HRT, and the next call you might get is to say that I died, and think of it this way, you were the cause that an empty vessel left this house and was broken, not killed, because that is exactly what you request did, it killed me. Not the bullet through my head, or knife through my heart, but that inadvertent disregard to have me live my life and be who I was meant to be. Me, Myself, I, Michele Joey Heynes. The daughter you wanted before birth and had killed.
Somehow this seems morbid at times, but then I realize that my mother, can't stand being the cause of that, and she just says let it be.
Hi there all
So I'm the middle of my leave currently and PMS striked again which is an enemy that is supposed to only strike me the last week of the month. But hey, it decided that it was a good time for me to get punched while the thinking is I am supposed to be down and for the count before of my revelation or make that truth finding. And on the same day, my blooming sinuses are also packing up and not in a mild way but a heavy attack. So yes, first few days I was sick, and called into work for 5 days as my sub-component was in trouble for something we couldn't sort out while I was there, but there is time until the 21st to complete, when I am still on leave and I said they should just tell me when everything is right and I will sort it out on my time. But yes that is that, and now this again, the PMS I don't mind, but the sinus attacks that doesn't want to go away, and leaving me sneezing and a nasal drip that is worse then ever.
Okay, I think my body this move so I couldn't go through with the boodie call I had placed to a friend that helped me out with my birthday last year. Funny I didn't use it again seeing that he is good at what he does. But then again, I am not fighting fire with fire because the guy that screwed around was left already, and by spiting him, I am planning of playing in his friends pool. What, the best revenge is the revenge closest to home. Which I also don't think I should go through, because I am not a vindictive person. Ps... by the time I read your responses I would've either not gone through with this or just gave in and do it, but if I do it, it isn't because I am being spiteful, but actually like the person.
I actually drove a few long distances, as in Cape Town if you drive more then 40km you are driving longish distance, lets see that is 25miles. But I did two trip where the going was 100miles so a round trip was 200miles. That was actually fun to see my car doing these distances as, I barely do 17 miles round trip per day. But if I drive a distance to go calm down I do between 30-50miles on a calm down, I will even consider a drive of around 75miles round trip as a good calm down session.
Talking about calm down session, I found out and instead of crying or punching someone, I took a drive to the beach and had a nice night walk on the beach. And before anyone starts shouting at me for going to the beach on my own. I went to the beach that has constant traffic till around 04:00. And the time that I was there was between 19:00 and 22:00. So clearly the beach was not full but still had a large volume of people either on the beach or on the road not too far away. Not that I was looking at the amount of traffic on the beach. So I did my nature thing to bring my spirit into it zen space.
What this dating experience told me is, you never know the person until they show their true colors, and if you notice it don't be afraid to confront it. But as Trans Females, we should know this, our muscle mass is way less then what it was, and if you know the guy is volatile and might beat you, don't do it as your safety is of more importance. Then rather just leave the guy and steer clear of all the places you frequented, maybe that was just his way of hiding you from his family and friends. But if you were introduced to family and friends, then you weren't the sideline, just screwed around on, and I don't know which is worse. Because we have similar friends from the start, I'm not relinquishing my friends to him, as I've had them longer then him. He also isn't distancing himself from them, so I keep my smile on my face and not even acting happy, because I am happy this happened while it was still in its infancy and not super serious. Well three months is long for me to be in a relationship that isn't platonic.
Well, I have said a bit more then what I thought I would say, so have a good evening people, I'm off and out of here.
Cheers my lovelies
Hi there everyone
Know that this have been a while. But I can promise that I have more then enough to tell.
Where to start, is a good question, and like I tell everyone go to the beginning. But in this instance, I will take different headings for different starts. So LONG STORY I THINK...
Well since I last was on I got in a relationship and ended it a few days ago. But here goes the experience.
Well as I never go looking for things like this, I can't say that I was on the hunt. But this is how the hunted story starts.
Went to a friends place, I haven't seen in a while and one of the children I knew has finally grown up. Darnit, I even forgot about him because he was really all grown up, and no, it wasn't him. I continued going in as I only realized that my friend is a qualified hairdresser and went to check out her skills. Didn't take notice of the guys in a way to actually say I'm available and the one just continually messed with me. Made it his point to walk in on me and scare the living daylight out of me while singing. Oh, I actually know how to use my vocals and just tried to ignore that I knew this. Pushed him away after a month of constant harassment and me stating I don't do children. He asked what is a child on him, he is old enough. Okay, in the push he fell over and was lying on his back and I ended up sitting on top of him to tell him why it wouldn't work with him. And I get told I'm not that strong, but lean in he wants to say something and started kissing me. Pushed him down and away from my mouth, even though his kissed intrigued me. Still held my grounds that he is too young, and for a week or two he continuously kissed me and told me that it will happen that I will allow him in. Well lets forget the pelvis grinding he did and later pinning me down, before I stopped fighting him.
I looked at him and found his Identity Document and noticed that he is legal aged and basically 17 years younger than me. How I'm hearing the ladies shout, cougar, cradle snatcher, you could've changed his nappies while he was a baby. Well, I eventually let my guard down and accepted that a younger guy was interested in me. Let him kiss and go on with me. Even let him take me to a club, me at a club. I'm way to old for that crap, I don't do clubs unless I truly need to unwind and there is no open punching bag. But then I also have grown up to the degree where I won't drink and drive. I know the practice was bad, but in my prior few years I would keep my blood alcohol level within the legal limit.
The things I enjoyed most about the dating scene were the following. The greeting when I make my appearance or he made his appearance. That I didn't have to hide anything about me. I made it clear I identify as transgender and that I wasn't going to have a sex relationship before I am ready to. I liked the way he touched my skin, the kisses, yes even the pinning down, and me in turn pinning him down. The trust he had in me, or is it has, because we still friends and not with benefits. Being treated like the young lady I was viewed as.
Does me ending the relationship because I couldn't see any growth or positive path after a while, and that sex was becoming a topic that I didn't want to cross over too. Having the full surgery is my goal and that is the only way that I want to be intimate with a someone, as I still don't agree with my full body experience. Does it mean that I'm not flirting with men because of this extra boost of confidence, well apparently I have become a prime target on the dating scene and have connected communicatively, but then again none of my electronic profiles I created doesn't misrepresent me as a whole. And I notice that most people don't even read that part I left open to make them decide if they want to befriend me or not. I have no qualms telling people I'm transgender either, as it is an essential part of me. I say I identify as transgender, though born intersex and if I'm not in the mood to educate, I will also ask not to ask me about it go do research and come back later to me. I even get new friends that are new to being trans and using the derogatory slang as they don't know better and will do my lecturer stance and correct them on the spot.
But yes, I currently have a few conversations going, and I know that some guys are only looking for experimenting and I end up asking questions that makes some guys squirm and just delete themselves from my life.
So that is the dating front. Oh, did I mention that I got a few marriage proposal in this time frame that I have been missing.
The list came out and my name was one of the first for the promotions from Constable to Sergeant and then the effective date was a while back, but the confirmation that the last list is the correct list needs to come, because we had to fill in paperwork's and I don't think that the national office realized that we are so many people that need to be promoted.
I just hope that everything is right by the time that I get back to work from leave and can wear Sergeant ranks. Well if my plans had gone as I originally wanted in the police, I would've been a Captain by now, and would've been a Sergeant by 2010, Warrant Officer by 2012, and Captain by 2014. But then changes happened and the waiting period to Sergeant was drastically increased.
HAIR GROWTH AND COLORS
My hair has grown by about 2 inches (5cms), I got some streaks in and then changed my color to red and naturally got some blond streak highlights, because my hair was bleached before coloring it. I have stayed with my friend the hairdresser from the end of August till now, and for basically 2 months the growth is substantial, and my hair hasn't looked healthier in ages.
Do I have anything else to gossip about of myself??? I don't think so. But, seeing as things are going in all directions with me, some bad, some good. I am just enjoying the rest of the life and expecting anything to happen when it must happen.
I have made peace with my maker decades ago, so if I must die, it is a good day to die. And if I continue to live, it is the best days to live and be prosper.
Be safe ladies, I will be safe on leave and will be tempting fate to see if I am actually going to step into a relationship with a guy that is a year younger then me, just saying. I'm enjoying this dating game...
Have a splendid time and stay gorgeously perfect.
Hi everyone, hope you guys have been well with me not here and that some soul who needed it was helped.
Let me see how the story format go and here is the last few weeks with the biopsy and how I was doing for the time till now.
Ooooh, my sister got her car back today, so I should probably have my car serviced
Biopsy Done & Dusted
Feelings While Unknown
I was taken in and first weight, making me feel uncomfortable at the thought that someone else is seeing my weight and if I gained weight and I didn’t know about it, what can I say. Also feeling more like I should eat, but yes fasting doesn’t work that much for me the foodie.
Nurses at this hospital which is open less than a year or around that time, are professional and full of smiles. The one sees my lip gloss on and thinks it’s a lipstick. Not at all and here they all start doing their faces, because apparently I can’t be the only person that is looking good at the hospital.
Fear strikes me more as hunger makes me think of all the crap that can go wrong. First thing first, what if this is positive and I am told chemo, well we found something else. Or the weirdest one of all, what the.................................................. and total silence.
I went with thought into my gown and thought that if I don’t calm down as in now, my stats might make me wait longer to have the operation done to remove this lump. So I calmed down by watching tv, chatting to everyone around me and then the inevitable happened my surgery schedule was announced as changed. Thinking what is wrong, as I was told, I realize that they were discussing that the child had eaten and needed to wait a few more minutes which made me think that I am closer to food if and when this happen so don’t look nervous or anything.
Went into the surgery theatre and was told the painful part was over and I asked what the doc was talking about only to find that he already had the drip on my arm. Hahahahahahaaaaa, I don’t feel needles unless the idiot that does the drip line isn’t good at it, I will feel the needle as I look at them. And asleep I am....
Woke up a while later, the first thing I do is take of the hair net, and make my hair right, second thing I do that was astounding was with a smile I asked if I can eat now, I’ve been waiting on food for the whole day already. The medical staff just laughed and started chatting to me as they told me that I am still on the surgery floor, not back on the ward floor. Somehow it was weird that I woke up with a smile and was perky.
Feeling relief that you know the thing is out that was making you sick and now the stressful part starts waiting on biopsies and getting in the doctor’s office for the follow up. But relieved that the operation was a success and I would only be in pain from the surgery wound and nothing else. Hoping for the blue moon and the sparkling oceans to stay calm too.
Enter the doc’s office and I know what is going to happen, take off your clothes and let me examine you. Therefore I dressed accordingly to make it easier to strip, yes like a strip dancer.
Does his examination as we do the pleasantries as to make me feel less uncomfortable to having a man next to me while naked. And in the conversation he says, wound looks good and results negative.
What did you just say??? No Chemotherapy for me, and no hair loss, and no losing weight and explaining that I am sick and treating cancer.
Go home with a smile on my face and finding a doc I can trust in the mean time, okay so not all men are pigs as doctors.
Lots of love and hugs to boot from me. Because little old confused me was kissed and I think I forgot how to kiss back, but after the initial shock I just let it happen and this was as in last night. I’m getting to old for this crap, but I should probably allow a younger guy to show me what he got or not. I can almost call myself A-sexual or anti sexual to the world.
Ps: I was told on Wednesday 2016-08-24 that I am a model standing outside with a friend and this cute guy walks by. Ooooh validating isn’t it, if his eyes is only fixed on me and not my friend. And Thursday 2016-08-25 that another guy stopped me to chat with me and just blurted out for which modelling agency you working because you belong in the high fashion magazines and cat walks of fashion shows. I just laughed and said that I love the work that I do, but thank you for the complement.
Good day all
I know that I am sometimes just questioning what is happening, but hey, seeing that I am still a young 36 years old that looks younger apparently then my 18 year old self, then how can I say no to being a questioning fiend.
I went in for the operation on Tuesday and to my perk, I wasn't treated as though I was a weird specimen of human trying to infiltrate an alien race. Operation was done with the highest of professionalism and only afterwards I was asked about being transgender seeing that they only get to see trans persons in medical journals and not in the flesh. Okay, as I said it's easier identifying as transgender seeing that I am intersex and that in itself is more confusing to explain to people including myself, who thought that it would make my life a little bit easier or more understanding to myself. So transgender still goes on all forms, not for the fact that I can't explain both, but because of gender identity, and if there isn't an area where I need to explain, I just write female, or what do you girls right. It always will end as female.
I don't know if it's actually going to be a bad visit tomorrow at the surgeon because I know how it feels to be the new kid on the block, and all I know is he isn't a bad surgeon neither does he use a bad stitch at all. Got banged up the other night by the 2 year old, who decided to slam directly on the wound and down I went for a few minutes and all was well, just lucky, I decided that I needed to wear a sanitary towel just in case I was to bleed, and yeah the blood got caught by this awful piece of material that made my cunt (for lack of better wording) and wound area feel like this massive and fat area.
Okay, tomorrow I go for my check up and I hope that everything is better because I feel kind of different at the spot that I was cut into.
Ooooh, the weirdest thing I can say is, who comes out of a medically induced coma and check their hair, make it perfect before going down to recovery and asking for food. That was me and hilarious as always.
Tomorrow is results day and check up, so let me go and say.
Cheers ladies and gentlemen.
Please keep your hands, mouth, feet and all valuables inside the brains, as we will have liftoff soon and meaning that nothing is safe to the rest as it will be said.
I bit thee fairwell only because I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I also grant the world permission to accept each other for who they are, because this fight for equality is gender old already, and I'm to sexy to have this fight continuously.
Love, lust and hugs
Good evening everyone
Not a big thing, I'm going in on Tuesday for an operation to remove my lump. So far no sign of imminent danger, so relieved to an extent, but will be happier on Tuesday 2016-08-16 when it is removed.
So not all smile, but some sort of smile and a grin after having a bowl of comfort food. Can't beat chocmint ice cream. For once a male doc that wants to learn more.
Here's to queer cheers, hell whatever kind of cheers you want to give works.
Oooh was told by my non biological child, he loves my laugh. I'm talking about my ugly laugh, and he says it sounds like I can be the villain in the movies.
Good night my sweets.
Hugs and kisses
Oooh loads of motivation to keep on with your desires to fulfill your dreams. Hey, can't just the bearer of bad, semi good news. If I can be strong, so can you, and if you don't have the strength, just lean on me and I'll carry you to safety...
Something I wanted to post last year, 2015-09-11. Yes September 11th.
Oh and I never got in anything less then shorts. I called this my short untamed hair phase. Just saying, and I hope my voice isn't that bad, but hey, I'm all Michele nothing else or less. And that makes the content of this blog a video recording. So is this a vlog or a blog?
Cheers for now
Lots of hugs
VID_20150911 Nothing but female.3gp
As always non cryptic headings.
This week was endo week and yes the vampires took blood from me twice. Results were good and I didn't fear any of it.
Now last night, not as per usual. But with usual actions led me to self examination. Yes, I've been wiping myself since the beginning of times and felt an irregularity last night. Started feeling myself, not out of being horny or anything, but feeling something I'm not use too. Thought at the beginning that I imagined something and found a lump by my hoohaa.
Yes, a lump and the mass isn't dense just a softish density of an almost roundish to oval shape. No fears right, none at all. So off to bed I went.
Now, I'm growing kind of apprehensive because I know the negatives that goes with it and I also realize that I don't want to be sick in front of my mother that came for a funeral, because she wouldn't want to leave, and will end in making me more anxious.
I also have to work irregular hours for the next week or so as it is national elections here. So I'll just be strong as I don't and can't afford to be sick now, I've got 100's of policemen and women relying on me, not including the public members that are bordering close to half a million people. And yes, I'm a firm believer of the protection being healthy and strong to perform their duties. I'll be in an office directing and redirecting everyone.
I will look after myself as soon as I am capable of booking myself in for medical treatments, make that surgery to illuminate or strengthen all fears that I'm just human too...
Cheers for now
Lots of hugs
This question is now running through my mind, when does validation turn into the continuous fight for acceptance?
Well, validation comes when you original start accepting yourself and other acknowledges this by using the correct pronoun's for you, and also accepts you for being yourself. Or at least that is how I look at it.
The continuous fight for acceptance happens when resistance is felt by you that others can't accept you, and won't without a fight. Almost when you know you have to poop, but know its going to be a painful hard fight to get the relief that you so dearly need.
Yes, me using poop has it's significance. IBS, Incontinence, Diarrhea and other poopie things, like the smell, texture and how it makes you feel. Well, that is how you feel each time you won a victory, and a new fight has come to the front line. And yes, to you they smell bad and the thought of having to fight to expell them from your sight to silence or acceptance for the changes you have gone through.
Well research is my forte, so I'll just be that urethral infection that burns like a fire because I am getting exhausted from repeating the same fight.
Cheers for beautiful ladies and gentlemen
Good day all
I am again in this same situation that I was, but not as bad, just this captain wants everything in writing. Fine by me, and here is the chance again to make everyone around me squirm. Yes, I will be the bitch again.
No it is actually a short thing, just to vent that I need to get everything again, just to be myself.
Seeing my doc on Tuesday, so will be asking again for other documentation to just make the world stop and gasp again.
Not venting just saying, as the stupid acrobat doesn't want to download my annuity for me to get done with my taxes.
Hi there all
I know that I am attempting to be online at the very least once a week.
This Sunday I have the sensation that I need to talk about the past week. Yes, I know I ventured into it. But the avenues that I haven't entered were a few more than the pooptis I was talking about earlier. But as a recourse I think I need to vocalize and read what I know and what I can do.
First thing first. I was told by my overall commander that I must drag him to court, and this time not just demand that he leave the police, but go after his pension. Of which I'm not comfortable to do. But she called him in and informed him what the law states including what legal services stated. She became the protective mother and informing him that she would work him out of the police before he can end his next 2 years before going on pension.
Court cases are a drag... A real drag.
Legally the police needs to implement what the constitution states. And only looking at one of the South African Constitutional Acts - Act 18. Where it already states that no discrimination is allowed. No matter if it is sexuality, gender or a combination of the 2. No employer or supervisor has the right to discriminate against you because of this. You have your freedom of expression, identification and this makes for independently individual persons. Yes I also know, that it doesn't just take for acts in the Constitution or other law books for something to be implemented, but it is a start and it tells you the grounds you have to stand on.
This week, I'll make an appointment with the EHW (psychological or interpersonal assistance group in the police), and legal services. Just to see if they would want to take up where I in this instance don't want to. And in return if they do the fight, I'll just do the talks and see if I get pulled in for the assistance that other LGBTIQA, yes and others. Well, I like that the description for persons have grown, but I'm beginning to become confused here in the sequence. Okay, I also know that in the sequence once you associate with a group that one automatically moves to the front for you, but when you type it out, you always start with the sexual orientation. Yes, I fall under the gender descriptive.
I think I just need to internalize this to see if I have fight left for this man or if I don't. I definitely have fight left. I just fear that this will destroy a career of almost 30 years and put me in the limelight of fighting superiors. I don't have a problem being in that spotlight, but if it is for fighter of equality. Then yes, that is all I want, everyone to be equal. But how will this effect my career. Will it fast track, normal pace (this is already a slow track for today's terms), or get slow tracked because I have targeted seniors that are discriminatory. Yes, I am looking at the recourse's that others will have against me because I am attacking their friend for equality.
Not only does me fighting back place my career in a snare that could catapult me on anything from a fast track to non existent career enhancement track. But it could also effect my friends and person's of interest (family) or lover. Now can I do this to people I care about or does 2 years of an idiot sound like a walk in the park. I just don't want to end up in hospital for mentally breaking down. I know, nobody is strong enough to cope with life's dealing, and everyone needs that energy boost to continue.
So now I'm thinking. Will this be what they can handle. Because if they are going to be in sight of the attacks, I most definitely will start fighting with other rules a lady doesn't look at. I'll still keep within the framework of the law, but I will be hitting below the belt till it bleeds and I am certain I made his favorite friend infertile, and hopefully also effected the capabilities of hoisting a pole because I was the storm that smashed it into pieces.
So my thinking cap is on and I know I can't let him do this to me. So, clean fight, till he fights dirty and then I go legal dirty like rolling in the mud, not hiding razors in the mud.
So as I'm saying goodbye, it feels to me that I am going to take on this fight with a degree of hesitation. I'm not the bitch they making me out to be, I'm not the bitch. But I can become the bitch in the fight when required.
This thinking is exhausting me mentally as I need to think of the approach and which line of defense I am taking, then which alternatives are in play to counter any attacks he might throw my way.
Hugs, Kisses, and cheers
Ps. Any view point other then mine would be appreciated.
Pss. I also know, if I don't fight back, then someone with no ability to fight back might be caught in the firing line and I will in the end have to come to that persons rescue, so why not just jump in already and stop it before it can continue.
Psss. Checking my tablet out, that was keeping online. This laptop scenario isn't what I had in mind.
Got a weird question albeit normal question the other day.
I was asked out of the blue by one of the officers at work, "Will you be capable of answering a question when the new station commander asks you about your dress code? And have you changed it at work?"
The it is, my gender specifics and the dress code for male and female police members are slightly different at work. Answering this officer, I clearly stated that the workplace were informed and some of my medical certificates are on record at work, that's why I obtained a female bulletproof or why would I have gotten that and be placed in the female side of a barracks when going on a course. I said some part in my head, then vocalized that I was born intersexed and that make me capable of deciding if I'm female or male as I got both genders, what now...
I got a weird look, and commented further that a friend whom is Maj General and the head of legal services in the police was approached and informed of my steps that I was going to take and for her to start looking at the laws of South Africa to safeguard herself, otherwise this will have repercussions and reach her office too. Suddenly he walked away, because now his rank isn't just inferior, but somewhere in the middle of myself and a friend.
2 days passed and I got asked if I saw the page on his table. It didn't bother me as it wasn't my desk. She read out loud a section he wrote about me. (See attachments)
Come after me as much as you want, because this will only strengthen me as I grow and safeguard all others to follow. Meaning I do their fighting for them preemptively. I was far from done when it came to fighting for LGBTIQ&Others. Have about 20 odd years to go before it's time for me to go on retirement as it is frowned upon to work more then 30 years in the police here.
Thinking that people still want to crucify people for being different to them is awful. If this is his point of view, ooooh I got some sins he has done. By his own account, and that doesn't scare me to take him on.
I'm not livingin th stone ages, and he'll js have to get over it, or dron in his own sins and leave me alone. One more person to beat the crap out of. And in the endi am gong to g for gold, hit him wher it will hurt the most, his wallet. What that is the only way to make a bigot learn to stay on the right side of the law.
Hope you all are havig a good time, and are safe. After all a pest like me never goes down without a fight..
Hus and kisses
Blessed be to all.
As I start off thinking about myself, I know if I could change anything about myself, it would be:
My gender by protecting myself from having to experience gender specific issues the world have,
Keep my height and weight
Be fit and limber, a perfectionist when it comes to kungfu, tai chi, tae kwan do, and numerous other martial arts formforms
Speak language I stil understand and more, German, Dutch, Italian, French, Spanish, Mandarin, Japanese, Korean, Taiwanese, Hindi, Urdu. Okay just be a linguist that catches languages in mere minutes, but be as fluent in Afrikaans and English ooh and make that Xhosa, Zulu, Pedi, Tswana. Not that I'm not fluent in Afrikaans (kinda suck at it, but still have a better understanding then most people), and more so in English. (Okay my first language was Afrikaans, but as the business language changed in South Africa, so I began speaking, reading, and writing much less and in some cases I just stopped.)
Okay, my list is much longer but I don't want to keep typing in 5 or 6 hours just to be busy with what I would change, but in te end if I changed anything in my past I wouldn't be the same Michele Heynes that I am today.
Tall (5'8¼) 1.74m
Slender enough (140Lbs) 63kgs, yes fattish if you talk about a model
Speak, read and write in Afrikaans and English more then proficiently. Speak mixed up in German and Dutch, and understand on a basic level, speaker screwed up in Mandarin and Xhosa, more so Mandarin then Xhosa, mixing Xhosa and English and I'm proficient on a basic understanding levelevel
Hazelnut colored eyes
Know I'm originally intersexed, but will rather just be me
Know my weapons and cars
Not afraid to die, death becomes us all, but not before I used my punani.
The point I'm trying to make is this easy...
We all are unique individuals, our own strengths and weaknesses, desires and fears. By accepting the struggles we had to endure even if it almost took a lifetime for some to maintain or gain the confidence to soldier in and be true to ourselves. Like Jazz who was fortunate enough to present as female from a young age. Kaitlyn on the other side of the spectrum that waited to be true to herself very late in life. Or life me that would verbalize what I was feeling and have always been true to myself but knew for he kind of work I wanted to do, I knew the struggles would inadvertently only allowing me to start transition in my early 30s and keeping a fight I never thought I would have to endure. Oh well, the fight was as I expected unpredictable and unnerving. My humanity was questioned as selfpreservation kicked in and an analytical bitch with fighting and research capabilities.
So even if you wished you could've change the past, leave it as is, because we never will be the same for the actions we changed in our past.
Lots of love, hugs and kisses.
Be who you need to be and forget about the past you wishing to change, as it would inevitably leave a person in your wake that no one can think off or would want to be at any hotel or between people of interest
Hi there all.
How do I start this...
I grew up asking questions and I mean this question has been asked even before I was 4 years old.
The question in question is, "What did you let the doctors do to me as a baby?"
Well the answer back then was, circumcision, and distended testicles. And another answer was, circumcision (which I never doubted for a second) and intertwined testicles. Okay the reason I asked as a child was because I felt like I wasn't in the right body, and I could notice that something was done on me even though the scars weren't visible anymore.
The same question was asked when I was 9 years old, because I started my periods, and everything was normal except for the fact that I didn't bleed or it was believed. This periods never stopped and I just had to deal with monthly cramps till that faithful day I was hospitalized for the infection I blogged about in a previous session.
So pushing made and knowledge let me discover that I was born intersexed. Yes, having two genders in one body. How furious I was when I discovered that my mom authorized the surgery to correct it and my dad had to endure the pain of witnessing the operation performed on his baby. This also made me understand why my dad didn't push hard when I said no to things, as your typical girl would answer request that were male related.
I never identified as male, and only as female so this became apparent that my dad didn't want to go against my mother's decisions, but would do whatever it takes to make his baby happy. So in this, I am smiling that he is the person and was the person I turned to when I was in need of answers, even in his death I still turn the same way because I know what he would say, spending all that time with him.
Would I have been married if I grew up typically female with everything to match and just a medical condition where my estrogen was too low, and need that filled??? I don't know, but I know that I wouldn't have waited so long to interact with men on a sexual level.
Yes I have a great deal of animosity towards my mother for not allowing me to choose or that she didn't want to wait to see which direction my mood and behavior I was attached to more. Why decide and hope for the best while you know there is a 50% change that the gender you decided on could backfire because the child you envision doesn't exist, because the individual got sculpted and formed their own opinions.
Yes this is a short piece about me, and I don't need pity, because my anger at this point in time will melt the best of intentions.
I hope that no one has to go through this and that we as a community of trans persons, let me include intersex seeing that I actually crossed the boarders with the realization that my suspicions were right all along. In that little piece of fact that I knew from the start, makes me calmer and not so angry.
I do love my mother, but can't stand that her good intentions turned out the worst for me. And yes, that is what most parents do. Make decisions for their children and hope for the best when they grow up into hopefully a well balanced grown-up.
Cheers. Lots of love and kisses