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Got asked about documentation my mom couldn't find, so I handed her what I stored away in the safe.  After finding the documents, I reiterated that it might be difficult to do what she wants as my gender marker and first name are being changed slightly.  And all I got was, it's your life and your problem when I'm dead.

 

I've always known my support came from my father, so with the lack of support from the one we call Hammie (what my siblings and I call our mother).  But I also know, that out of guilt I am mentioned in a will I want nothing to do with.  I also know as the last born, my responsibilities to listen to my immediate elders input, I should listen and react as desired, but as with all families you need to walk your own path towards your happiness and fulfillment.

 

In this short piece I'm just trying to say, don't let negative or cold shoulders or emotionally detached family dictate what makes you happy and whole.  If you do follow what they want of you or let their attitudes dictate you feeling depressed because they seem like the only people in your life that should care for you.  DONT LET YOUR FAMILY FORCE YOU INTO SOMETHING THAT IS MAKING YOU UNHAPPY, AS THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE CORNER STONES IN YOUR LIFE THAT SUPPORTS YOU IN ALL PARTS OF YOUR LIFE.  And if you have that support, be grateful, you were granted a support structure you can call at any time.

 

Much love...

Michele

Hi everyone, hope you guys have been well with me not here and that some soul who needed it was helped.

 

Let me see how the story format go and here is the last few weeks with the biopsy and how I was doing for the time till now.

 

Ooooh, my sister got her car back today, so I should probably have my car serviced

 

Biopsy Done & Dusted

 

Feelings While Unknown

Date: 2016-08-16

 

I was taken in and first weight, making me feel uncomfortable at the thought that someone else is seeing my weight and if I gained weight and I didn’t know about it, what can I say.  Also feeling more like I should eat, but yes fasting doesn’t work that much for me the foodie.

 

Nurses at this hospital which is open less than a year or around that time, are professional and full of smiles.  The one sees my lip gloss on and thinks it’s a lipstick.  Not at all and here they all start doing their faces, because apparently I can’t be the only person that is looking good at the hospital.

 

Fear strikes me more as hunger makes me think of all the crap that can go wrong.  First thing first, what if this is positive and I am told chemo, well we found something else.  Or the weirdest one of all, what the..................................................  and total silence.

 

I went with thought into my gown and thought that if I don’t calm down as in now, my stats might make me wait longer to have the operation done to remove this lump.  So I calmed down by watching tv, chatting to everyone around me and then the inevitable happened my surgery schedule was announced as changed.  Thinking what is wrong, as I was told, I realize that they were discussing that the child had eaten and needed to wait a few more minutes which made me think that I am closer to food if and when this happen so don’t look nervous or anything.

 

Went into the surgery theatre and was told the painful part was over and I asked what the doc was talking about only to find that he already had the drip on my arm.  Hahahahahahaaaaa, I don’t feel needles unless the idiot that does the drip line isn’t good at it, I will feel the needle as I look at them.  And asleep I am....

 

Woke up a while later, the first thing I do is take of the hair net, and make my hair right, second thing I do that was astounding was with a smile I asked if I can eat now, I’ve been waiting on food for the whole day already.  The medical staff just laughed and started chatting to me as they told me that I am still on the surgery floor, not back on the ward floor.  Somehow it was weird that I woke up with a smile and was perky.

 

Relief

Feeling relief that you know the thing is out that was making you sick and now the stressful part starts waiting on biopsies and getting in the doctor’s office for the follow up.  But relieved that the operation was a success and I would only be in pain from the surgery wound and nothing else.  Hoping for the blue moon and the sparkling oceans to stay calm too.

 

Date: 2016-08-22

 

Enter the doc’s office and I know what is going to happen, take off your clothes and let me examine you.  Therefore I dressed accordingly to make it easier to strip, yes like a strip dancer.

 

Does his examination as we do the pleasantries as to make me feel less uncomfortable to having a man next to me while naked.   And in the conversation he says, wound looks good and results negative.

 

What did you just say???  No Chemotherapy for me, and no hair loss, and no losing weight and explaining that I am sick and treating cancer.

 

Go home with a smile on my face and finding a doc I can trust in the mean time, okay so not all men are pigs as doctors.

 

Lots of love and hugs to boot from me.  Because little old confused me was kissed and I think I forgot how to kiss back, but after the initial shock I just let it happen and this was as in last night.  I’m getting to old for this crap, but I should probably allow a younger guy to show me what he got or not.  I can almost call myself A-sexual or anti sexual to the world.

 

Michele

 

Ps:  I was told on Wednesday 2016-08-24 that I am a model standing outside with a friend and this cute guy walks by.  Ooooh validating isn’t it, if his eyes is only fixed on me and not my friend.  And Thursday 2016-08-25 that another guy stopped me to chat with me and just blurted out for which modelling agency you working because you belong in the high fashion magazines and cat walks of fashion shows. I just laughed and said that I love the work that I do, but thank you for the complement.

What next

By Michele800226,

Good day all

 

I know that I am sometimes just questioning what is happening, but hey, seeing that I am still a young 36 years old that looks younger apparently then my 18 year old self, then how can I say no to being a questioning fiend.

 

I went in for the operation on Tuesday and to my perk, I wasn't treated as though I was a weird specimen of human trying to infiltrate an alien race.  Operation was done with the highest of professionalism and only afterwards I was asked about being transgender seeing that they only get to see trans persons in medical journals and not in the flesh.  Okay, as I said it's easier identifying as transgender seeing that I am intersex and that in itself is more confusing to explain to people including myself, who thought that it would make my life a little bit easier or more understanding to myself.  So transgender still goes on all forms, not for the fact that I can't explain both, but because of gender identity, and if there isn't an area where I need to explain, I just write female, or what do you girls right.  It always will end as female.

 

I don't know if it's actually going to be a bad visit tomorrow at the surgeon because I know how it feels to be the new kid on the block, and all I know is he isn't a bad surgeon neither does he use a bad stitch at all.  Got banged up the other night by the 2 year old, who decided to slam directly on the wound and down I went for a few minutes and all was well, just lucky, I decided that I needed to wear a sanitary towel just in case I was to bleed, and yeah the blood got caught by this awful piece of material that made my cunt (for lack of better wording) and wound area feel like this massive and fat area.

 

Okay, tomorrow I go for my check up and I hope that everything is better because I feel kind of different at the spot that I was cut into.

 

Ooooh, the weirdest thing I can say is, who comes out of a medically induced coma and check their hair, make it perfect before going down to recovery and asking for food.  That was me and hilarious as always.

 

Tomorrow is results day and check up, so let me go and say.

 

Cheers ladies and gentlemen.

Please keep your hands, mouth, feet and all valuables inside the brains, as we will have liftoff soon and meaning that nothing is safe to the rest as it will be said.

I bit thee fairwell only because I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I also grant the world permission to accept each other for who they are, because this fight for equality is gender old already, and I'm to sexy to have this fight continuously.

 

Love, lust and hugs

Michele

Having never been in hiding, I cant say how it feels to have come out to the world. It's in your face obvious that I'm special and unique. And this package is a police official too. So lete go through a decade of trials and tribulations in an organization that is male orientated with almost no ability to change.My decade started off with bam, because not only was I attacked and attempted to convince me that I'm wrong in who I am and portray. Gloating to everyone that she has put me in my place. Her actions were inappropriate as she didnt even bother to send out the complainant before attacking me. In any country with a constitution, the police doesnt govern that constitution, the constitution governs the state and all the sectors beneath it. So taking me on because of my gender and your perceived sexuality doesnt work. For once I couldn't open my mouth, but hey I was emotionally in the dumps as a friend was lying in ICU because of heart failure. My brain wasnt on this woman acting liking an amateur biatch.Subsequently because she dared to go against the constitutional laws of the country, I threw a hissy fit and had a case opened against her. Okay a normal biatch fit consist of me, kicking and punching my way through someone's face or body.DID ANYBODY JUST SAY THAT I HOPE ITS NOT A GIRL WE DEALING WITH. WELL, GIRLS CAN FIGHT TOO, WE NOT JUST CREATURES THAT OOZES SEX APPEAL, INNOCENSE, AND IN MY CASE LOOK LIKE A MODEL AT THE AGE OF 34 AND ALMOST 35 YEARS OLD.I never thought that any person could hate any gender or sexuality. Or what is it about me, because some are interested in me and others are totally against me.So my year ended off with a legal battle and started off with a legal battle. It can either shoot me in my foot with promotions. But hey, I'll akways know that I'm overlooked not because capabilities, but because I was cancelled because someone on the panel doesnt like me. As I can truly say that in my decade as a peace officer, I have made certain I studied and I knew my work to 3 or 4 levels higher than what I'm currently obtain, and have been for the last 8years, the 1st 2years were being a student here in RSA.So doesnt mean you in a country that is accepting, you still get those trying to fight and change you to what they want. All I can say is, I AM AN INDIVIDUAL, AND WILL NEVER BE WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE, AND I'LL ALWAYS FIGHT FOR MY RIGHTS, BECAUSE MY PARENTS TEACHING WERE CLEAR. DONT CHANGE SOMEONE, IF THEY WANT TO CHANGE BE SUPPORTIVE AND NOT A ROYAL ASS DICK.My next entry will be more focused, just needes everything off my chest that was bothering me. So kiss my toosh if you are one of those persons trying to tell me, Girl should not like cars, firearms and fighting styles. To those that understood my rambling, good for you.

Hi there all

 

I know I haven't been on in the resent weeks and I am to blame.  Well you'll see what is to blame as I continue this entry....

 

So, I have been chatting to this guy and thought that he is cool and everything.  Till the awkward part came of him asking me to meet him.  We continued our cheerful banter and I didn't let that phase me.  As luck would have it, I was busy chatting to a girlfriend about my gender and she being understanding and him at the same time.  Yes,  I did the blooper.  A message of how to explain gender, which was meant for her ended up going to him and he replies by asking if I am serious that I am transgender.  When I confirmed what I by mistake told him, as I had a softer approach planned for him on the same evening.  He shocked me with his answer, "Well does this change you?  Because if you can show me how this changes your personality and everything about you that I like.  I will except that it wasn't meant to be to meet you."

 

We continued chatting and he didn't become abrasive or mean towards me in the weeks that followed, just more understanding and still sending me my kisses and hugs over the messaging system that we use.  He asked if we could meet.  Just before we met, I was thinking is this a good idea.  What if he just played me and wanted to assault or kill.  Or what if he lied about how he looked.  This and a million other question ran through my head.

 

ETA to meet, crap is here.  Not even me approach him, but he approaches me and gives me the hugs that I said he owed and which he said I owed him.  Looked him up and down and saw that he actually looks like the person that he said he is.  The conversation continues and he sounds like the person I was chatting to.  Okay, I never heard his voice and language that he used just sounded like him.  Yes, he also looked me up and down.  And he looks at me funny, "I'm not what you expected was I.  Did I lie to you.  But damn girl you are even sexier in real life that what your pictures made you out to be."  I had to convince him that it was only that he didn't lie to me that was making me awe struck by him and that he is actually just refreshing to chat too.

 

We spent that evening together and chatted the whole night.  He leaned in and I was all, what the hell in my head to allowing my body to play along.  He kissed me full on mouth and..... Yes, I liked it.  I really like the kiss I received from him.  Before the sun even came out a question was posed to me, "Would you be my girlfriend?"  I looked like I could probably faint and he just looked at me and said something like, am I that ugly, and can you only see us as friends or more.  As he turned his head away, I pulled him closer and kiss him.  All I could say was, YES!!!  He looked at me as if to say, you just saying so not to hurt me.  I kissed him again to show that our kisses are passionate and that I actually meant what I said.

 

Hey, we were getting to know each other over multimedia and it turned out to be the same persons.  Just me talking slightly less, okay more like 50% of the time I spoke and speak on multimedia.  I explained that this is for him to actually get in some words before I take over my part of talking in real life too.

 

So far, he has introduced me to one of his grandmother's, uncle, and aunts of his father's side.  Yes, nieces and cousins were home too.  He even left me alone with his gran to see how we would communicate.  Ooooh he got, it after that, because he didn't even prepare me that he was doing this.

 

What I thought of him asking me was.  It will be a week or so of dating according to him and then just leave me to my own defenses again.  Not introduce me to his family as I am now a fixture in his life.  Shocker, I would say.

 

What he made clear was that he is stubborn and I would have to be submissive to him.  What I made clear is, I am also stubborn and me being submissive will never work for me.  So we should decide on which topics I am going to win and on which topics he is going to win.

 

I know his favorite foods, colors and why he is into red and black.  International soccer team is Manchester United, and international rugby team is All Blacks.  His local rugby team for sevens as he said are the Crusaders.  Don't ask me about sports as I told him, because I am only going to be watching the asses that are running past me on the field and nothing else.  I was also told that I will watch sports with him.  I told him, only if I get something out of the deal.  He said that I got him and I should appreciate the man that decided I am the only one for him.

 

Well let me see.  I man that is almost 10 years younger, and lucky for him I'm born early in the year and he late in the year, because if he refused to be born in December, he would've been 10 years younger.  He also says, I should be so paranoid about me being 9 years older then him.  If the age bothered him, he would've not asked me to be his girlfriend.

 

In this weeks he has made me realize that he is making me accept the world more.  And that me being older is nothing, because I wouldn't even have thought of it if he was 9 years older then me.  He is making me also see that I am the only person that make him happy.  Funny enough, he gave me the password on his cellphone and I said, but it's not my place to scratch on his phone just as it isn't his place to scratch on mine.  But still everything that I he most probably would've wanted to see if he was possessive over me, I showed him and he showed me.

 

The one thing I don't tell him, is that I sometimes have altercations with suspects and as a female (and a person with no testosterone in my body) I find it difficult to fight men and not get injured.

 

But I'm digressing.  I am currently happy in a relationship.

 

Yours sparkling

Michele

Generally Speaking

 

No matter if you CIS, Trans, Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Queer.  All of us went through the phase of exploration.  Be it to discover your gender or sexuality or which careers we wanted to follow, because you don't look, behave or think like everyone else you talk to.  Sometimes, not even your parents have an answer for you, make that most of the times.  And when you finally got an answer from somewhere, it takes us all different timeframes to accept or initiate the change we so desired from a young age, but we just didn't understand.

 

NOW WE HAVE ME, A TOTAL 180 DEGREES FROM MOST PERSONS

 

I knew who and what I was, even if I didn't have a name for it as a child.

 

If you looked at the major age gap between my father and I, but I can definitely say 54 years age difference wasn't big at all.  We understood each other, although at times some of the questions asked were formulated for a different era.  I wasn't judged or ridiculed by him.  He rather taught me, a human being never mind being female or male should be capable of respecting each other and being respected by others, and his children should be capable of taking care of themselves as we should be independent.  But not afraid to ask for assistance when we don't know.  And that's why we have each other.  We perfectly paired off as sibling, each with their own strengths and weaknesses in our individual groups, or unified.

 

So as a child of four years old, I already had the discussion of me having the big surgery to align my body with my brains and feelings.  Yes I was advanced in certain areas and others I just refused to act my age.  I remember wishing and praying that I would be changed before I go to school or become a grown up.  I remember begging to be changed before high school. But nothing happened, where my dad was my rock, my mom always seemed to be blocking my every move, she is more reluctant to understand, but she is 17 years younger then my dad.  And if it was due to pain, it's mine not hers and I have decided to pursue my happiness not someone else's.

 

Not like I've ever asked her permission to be myself.  Because I knew whatever would happen to me, my mother would tell me it's because I'm refusing to abide by her rulesrules and that of society.  Screw that, I was taught to live my life for me as long as I have respect, but never bow down or out.  That's why I've always been closest with my father and oldest sister.  I think he understood because of his Native American heritage.  My dad would defend me by saying that I knew a lot more then other children, that I'm not confused or indoctrinated, and that a child can't want the same thing for decades and be confused.

 

My goals were kept from me the day my father left his corporeal being for the spiritual world to watch over us.  Yes, I do believe in different plains of existence.  But I re-iniated when I was old enough, softening the blow of my completeness.

 

I've always been allowed to be myself, free from the binding of normal life.  Free to explore if my heart so desires.  Free to be the women I have always been.  I've almost been a closet case, but my teachings and integrity which my dad taught me was important to me always came out.

 

Now, I hear the question coming from all corners.  If he lived, why didn't he allow the change early?  Well, answer is easy, his  five foot tall wife was the one that always stood in the way of my happiness to change.  Another question looming, must be...  If she was the one to prolong everything in your life, do you love her as your mother?  Obviously yes, but because of her and some of my siblings, I grew colder at times.  None responsive and well primarily more of a loner, knowing that I don't need anyone to be happy, but I would still love to have a child.  But I fear the irreparable damage some parent have on their children, and would I be that closed minded as my mother.

 

She knows, but do I care about approval, not in a million years.  I have always been loved for being me, the girl I am inside and presenting to the world.  Would I change for anyone, YOU MUST BE CRAZY NOW!!!

 

Now who know me better then me.

Warned

By Michele800226,

Hi the all

 

As most of you all know, I'm a police officer since January 2005, and that I can fight.

 

Well yesterday, one of my colleagues came to the station, and he is currently working at a unit.  We started talking as normal, and then out of the blue, no I was the only one in blue uniform.  He warned me that I've become a topic at the unit and it isn't clear what the guys intentions are.

 

He further informed me that they are having issues with me being trans and discussing amongst themselves and contemplating if I'll be going through the surgery.

 

Well not like the surgery discussions are news to me,nor the fact that most of the men indicated that they'll take sex from me, but backed off once I was shooting next to them.  And I know some fear me, not just because they saw me shooting but also had the opportunity to witness me fight.

 

Now, I'm not fearing what they might be planning, as I have proved myself with a lot of the men, so we either have mutual respect or just hate each others guts.  Yes, doesn't mean I'm a peace officer that I can't hate someone, I'm human after all.

 

I know I don't have legal recourses as I will never be told who was the initiator / instigators are, and if he started it as a means to make the crew comfortable with me.  And then his good intentions turned into warnings coming my way.  Well either way, I didn't think it would be easy to transition in the police.  I knew that I would get hurdles, security fences, hills and snake infested mountains that I must face and cross.  And before he came, I've already made up my mind on how to deal with the gender issues in the police.

 

So is this warning something I should take serious.  As I don't think it will substantiate or manifest itself into a murder threat or warning.  Other shit for them is, some of them have to work with me to get a part of their work done, so sexually devouring me without permission will not happen, unless I desire that man to treat me like a piece of apple pie.

 

I should get done, and the book Always Anastacia by Anastacia Tomson is giving me insight into how different like minded women can be, and I'm definitely enjoying how she came out at work as transgender.  It's her autobiography from her dead name to how she came to understand and live her life...  So I'm being inspired by strong women too.

 

Okay, the last part of the warning.  I'm taking it as a gossip story that reached my ears after much deliberation from a friend to think of how it will hurt me if I had to know.  But, it's not as if it is a secret, and I'm open about my gender and was expecting death threats, not rape threats.  Now that is indicative to me that I'm sexy and they know and want me but are scared of what people around them might say.

 

Therefore I will take it as a validation of my beauty, or should I be scared???  Before anyone answers, I've had the same training in the police of all the minimum advance training they must go through.  And then some.

 

Now I can say.

 

Have a good weekend.  Cramps are killing me and it feels like those hospitalization pains I had, after all I found some blood on my clothes and after wiping my .....cat.

 

Safety first, and leave the heroics for me.  Now I just need to make contact with someone I know.

 

Cheers for now

Michele

Hello all

 

This question is now running through my mind, when does validation turn into the continuous fight for acceptance?

 

Well, validation comes when you original start accepting yourself and other acknowledges this by using the correct pronoun's for you, and also accepts you for being yourself.  Or at least that is how I look at it.

 

The continuous fight for acceptance happens when resistance is felt by you that others can't accept you, and won't without a fight.  Almost when you know you have to poop, but know its going to be a painful hard fight to get the relief that you so dearly need.

 

Yes, me using poop has it's significance.  IBS, Incontinence, Diarrhea and other poopie things, like the smell, texture and how it makes you feel.  Well, that is how you feel each time you won a victory, and a new fight has come to the front line.  And yes, to you they smell bad and the thought of having to fight to expell them from your sight to silence or acceptance for the changes you have gone through.

 

Well research is my forte, so I'll just be that urethral infection that burns like a fire because I am getting exhausted from repeating the same fight.

 

Cheers for beautiful ladies and gentlemen

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Michele

Hi there everyone

 

Know that this have been a while.  But I can promise that I have more then enough to tell.

 

Where to start, is a good question, and like I tell everyone go to the beginning.  But in this instance, I will take different headings for different starts.  So LONG STORY  I THINK...

 

DATING

Well since I last was on I got in a relationship and ended it a few days ago.  But here goes the experience.

 

Well as I never go looking for things like this, I can't say that I was on the hunt.  But this is how the hunted story starts.

 

Went to a friends place, I haven't seen in a while and one of the children I knew has finally grown up.  Darnit, I even forgot about him because he was really all grown up, and no, it wasn't him.  I continued going in as I only realized that my friend is a qualified hairdresser and went to check out her skills.  Didn't take notice of the guys in a way to actually say I'm available and the one just continually messed with me.  Made it his point to walk in on me and scare the living daylight out of me while singing.  Oh, I actually know how to use my vocals and just tried to ignore that I knew this.  Pushed him away after a month of constant harassment and me stating I don't do children.  He asked what is a child on him, he is old enough.  Okay, in the push he fell over and was lying on his back and I ended up sitting on top of him to tell him why it wouldn't work with him.  And I get told I'm not that strong, but lean in he wants to say something and started kissing me.  Pushed him down and away from my mouth, even though his kissed intrigued me.  Still held my grounds that he is too young, and for a week or two he continuously kissed me and told me that it will happen that I will allow him in.  Well lets forget the pelvis grinding he did and later pinning me down, before I stopped fighting him.

 

I looked at him and found his Identity Document and noticed that he is legal aged and basically 17 years younger than me.  How I'm hearing the ladies shout, cougar, cradle snatcher, you could've changed his nappies while he was a baby.  Well, I eventually let my guard down and accepted that a younger guy was interested in me.  Let him kiss and go on with me.  Even let him take me to a club, me at a club.  I'm way to old for that crap, I don't do clubs unless I truly need to unwind and there is no open punching bag.  But then I also have grown up to the degree where I won't drink and drive.  I know the practice was bad, but in my prior few years I would keep my blood alcohol level within the legal limit.

 

The things I enjoyed most about the dating scene were the following.  The greeting when I make my appearance or he made his appearance.  That I didn't have to hide anything about me.  I made it clear I identify as transgender and that I wasn't going to have a sex relationship before I am ready to.  I liked the way he touched my skin, the kisses, yes even the pinning down, and me in turn pinning him down.  The trust he had in me, or is it has, because we still friends and not with benefits.  Being treated like the young lady I was viewed as.

 

Does me ending the relationship because I couldn't see any growth or positive path after a while, and that sex was becoming a topic that I didn't want to cross over too.  Having the full surgery is my goal and that is the only way that I want to be intimate with a someone, as I still don't agree with my full body experience.  Does it mean that I'm not flirting with men because of this extra boost of confidence, well apparently I have become a prime target on the dating scene and have connected communicatively, but then again none of my electronic profiles I created doesn't misrepresent me as a whole.  And I notice that most people don't even read that part I left open to make them decide if they want to befriend me or not.  I have no qualms telling people I'm transgender either, as it is an essential part of me.  I say I identify as transgender, though born intersex and if I'm not in the mood to educate, I will also ask not to ask me about it go do research and come back later to me.  I even get new friends that are new to being trans and using the derogatory slang as they don't know better and will do my lecturer stance and correct them on the spot.

 

But yes, I currently have a few conversations going, and I know that some guys are only looking for experimenting and I end up asking questions that makes some guys squirm and just delete themselves from my life.

 

So that is the dating front.  Oh, did I mention that I got a few marriage proposal in this time frame that I have been missing.

 

 

SERGEANT RANK

The list came out and my name was one of the first for the promotions from Constable to Sergeant and then the effective date was a while back, but the confirmation that the last list is the correct list needs to come, because we had to fill in paperwork's and I don't think that the national office realized that we are so many people that need to be promoted.

 

I just hope that everything is right by the time that I get back to work from leave and can wear Sergeant ranks.  Well if my plans had gone as I originally wanted in the police, I would've been a Captain by now, and would've been a Sergeant by 2010, Warrant Officer by 2012, and Captain by 2014.  But then changes happened and the waiting period to Sergeant was drastically increased.

 

HAIR GROWTH AND COLORS

My hair has grown by about 2 inches (5cms), I got some streaks in and then changed my color to red and naturally got some blond streak highlights, because my hair was bleached before coloring it.  I have stayed with my friend the hairdresser from the end of August till now, and for basically 2 months the growth is substantial, and my hair hasn't looked healthier in ages.

 

Do I have anything else to gossip about of myself???  I don't think so.  But, seeing as things are going in all directions with me, some bad, some good.  I am just enjoying the rest of the life and expecting anything to happen when it must happen.

 

I have made peace with my maker decades ago, so if I must die, it is a good day to die.  And if I continue to live, it is the best days to live and be prosper.

 

Be safe ladies, I will be safe on leave and will be tempting fate to see if I am actually going to step into a relationship with a guy that is a year younger then me, just saying.  I'm enjoying this dating game...

 

Cheers ladies.

 

Have a splendid time and stay gorgeously perfect.


Michele

Everyone will ask why you asking about chocolates, right.  Actually wrong.

 

I've never been bound by race or religion, when it came and still comes to men intriguing me.  But I've always had a thing for someone taller and bigger body structured then my 1.74m (5ft8) structure and around 140Lbs.  The top criterion above all else, is he needs to have respect, love and adoration for me.

 

Okay, I grew up in a time when interracial relationships were a no no, but I am grateful my dad crossed all boundaries of interracial friendships.  Say something inappropriate in front of me, and I'll put you on your place.

 

That's probably why, all I need a man to be, is himself and respectful towards others.  If I like you, it's because of qualities you have, and loving you means our qualities are strengthened by our relationship with each other and I wNt to around you every second I can, with me time for friends.

 

So leave me alone if the guy I choose is darker then me, because he might have been lighter, then you'd be worried over me dating him.

Hi there everyone

 

Its not about being optimistic or pessimistic, it about the way my smile and looks are putting me in hot water at times.

 

I've come to realize that some of my male friends are now also hitting on me, because I've got a perky happy face 90% of the time if not more.  Now they are becoming like horny dogs after my ass too.  Is this a culmination of my smile, facial expression, ass and boobs or just men being like a pack of horny dogs in heat season???

 

With the unknown factor, the unknown men...  That will offer me gifts at an intersection I had to stop.  Start talking to me and saying how much they love me, while just seeing me walking down the street and smiling at them.

 

Should my smile or body freak me out, because I'm not opening myself up to all these horny bugger's.  Or should I embrace the power it gives over men and women in the open field of life.

 

I've decided that flirtation with a beautiful soul, okay sometimes a gorgeous hunk is all that I need to continue with my perfect smile.but therein lies the fault, not all hunks have beautiful souls.

 

So do I smile and get all the beauty that comes with it, or do I think of all horny screwed up persons that bring along flustered situations???

 

Now let me say this, I won't give up smiling and letting my soul trickle through for everyone to see, buy I'm also not incapable of switching to my dragon face that bites off unwanted attention in a flash.

 

Remember, be safe out there.  Walk in pairs and tell a friend where you are gong if you are going alone.  Oh and I should learn to practice what I preach.

 

Hugs

Michele

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Hi everyone

 

Apparently I'm loving these to do or not to do's.  But let's just say, they come after experiences I've gone through.

 

This week that passed was no different from others.  Seeing that for my last few weeks at work I've been going to the shooting range, with the only difference that I actually got to shoot.  So 1 less day of actually working for me, because I'd normally return to work after a long drive.

 

Friday, as per usual.  I got up earlier to be at work before 06:00 and get weapons I don't take home, and get a state vehicle to drive.  Because of strikes, roadworks, and traffic light that were out and on going, I drove 2 hours to the shooting range that about 40miles away.  So pissed off at driving and idiots trying to push me off the road.

 

I passed my shooting on all the weapons I had on me, and needed to pass.

 

No, I was perfectly made up before leaving the house and yes.  The shooting range is on an open space looking like a dessert.  No shade and sand blowing everywhere.  6 almost 7 hours later and I was full of sand, from my face to my tits and stomach.  I left and went to the nearest garage where there is a bathroom to wash my face and remove as much sand as possible.  Removed all my make-up and went back to work to drop my none issue firearms.

 

Walked into the office of one of the officers as she was looking for the vehicle I was driving.  First she tell me my make-up is still perfect after a long day, and when I revealed I had nothing on, she asked me why I'm wearing make-up if my face is so perfect.  Well its to enhance my looks obviously isn't it.  At least that is what I was thinking.

 

So now the question comes, if others view your face as perfect without make-up does that mean you should not use any, or that you can use it to enhance your looks???

 

Well I feel so much more comfortable with make-up on then without it in public.  It doesnt mean my confidence is so low I can't do without make-up.  It just feels that much more in tune with my body and brain I think, and I'm still comfy as can be.

 

Would I walk without make-up on?  Yes, I sometimes do, even though I don't have a twelve o clock shadow.  But I wear it at work because that is my norm.

 

Then my question to everyone would be.  If you could go a day without make-up, would you???  Okay, you can still wear gloss.  But would you?  That is the question.

 

Reason I can pull of days without make-up are, I do my face as natural as possible the most of the time, my lower eye lids permanently looks like I have eye liner on, my eye lashes always look like I used mascara, and my cheeks are rosier without make-up.  Yes I got natural make-up the day I was born.

 

Ending off.  All I have to say is.  Make-up doesn't define us as human beings.  Being trans we try to blend in as much as possible to cis persons.  But why should we as a collective try to blend in with the world's inadequacies, who says we are not the norm, but just because we the minority in today's age, we are the odd one's out.  Who says we aren't part of evolutionary development and enhancement to show the world, change is good.  Then why should make-up be all that important for us to blend in.

 

Yes I know, the fear of being told you don't belong is great.  The fear of being outed that you aren't naturally born as the gender you identify as.

 

I can't guarantee that I will be around to protect you from the hatred, but I am trying to be as visible as I can without endangering my family, friends and acquaintances.  As I don't fear what can be done to me.  There is also a reason for my twitter, Facebook and Instagram acciunts being set on private, but that is only for promotional purposes as certain of my stances can be interpreted as not in line with being in the police, even though I don't mention political stances, just the human rights side of my stances mentioned at times. 

 

I love and leave you, with this to ponder.  Why do we have to conform to cisgender rules?  Okay, I've always wanted bombs and a vagina, but what if you didn't want to go through all that as I do???  Should you conform to make others comfortable?  Should you make yourself uncomfortable so that the rest of the world can accept you unconditionally?  Well if the world wants you to change, then nothing you do, say, or go through will ever be enough to be accepted by others.

 

Big hugs

Michele

Hi all

 

Yesterday Monday 2016-06-13 at between 02:45 and 03:00 another police officer friend of mine was gunned down.  I know that some of you will be telling me to look after myself and be safe outside, but then I can think of this to say, if it is my time to die, no matter what I do and where I go, I will die.  So I prefer to face everything head on so I know, I went out the way I lived and believed in, my way.

 

Yesterday's guy was on police college with me and at the interim police station before college.  So we grew close and hugged as a greeting and made as if we kissed to freak the hell out of people sometimes.  He was a soft soul, that I respected, adored, would protect with my life, and could trust with my life.  He was one of those police members that almost never lost his temper, and would do what it takes and usually went above and beyond the call of duty.

 

What saddened me was that I went to take keys to the scene 6 almost 7 hours later and unbeknown to me he was still lying on the ground where they gunned him down.  Something in me told me not to go closer and just leave the key with one of the seniors and went back to the station.  When I drove by another 6 to 7 hours later they were still busy with the scene and only 2 and half three hours prior to that removed his body from the scene and he laid there for 10-11 hours before they were allowed to move him.

 

As I'm typing this to commemorate the life of a friend Mthetho Sandla, my tears are welling up, as I will never get to hold him in my arms, smell him, see him in front of me, or laugh with him.

 

Okay in all the good he did, I should probably say this, mention one thing where you could see how much I cared for him.  Last year while I was still on the shift, I was called in by the ladies on my shift, because Mthetho was in a predicament and being arrested for drunken driving with a traffic officer.  I got to the station, asked if I may speak to him, and asked how he was doing?  He just laughed and said he is alright.  I asked why and how he was arrested?  He had some drinks and his fiance instructed him to fetch her, even after he told her that he had something to drink and don't want to drive.  She became insistent and forced him to fetch her, where he was pulled off in the area and got arrested.  I went inside to ask the Warrant Officer whom was writing the books to sort him out, because he can't go in the sells where he has arrested so many people before.  The Captain of my shift was out and when he heard about it he also came in and heard me begging for Mthetho's safety.  When the Warrant insisted he could do nothing, I told him to if he can't do something, I will and I won't go out until this is sorted out.  (In South Africa if a government official was locked up for drunken driving we are allowed to give them a free bail and warn them to appear in court the first court date that comes after that, but certain police, traffic, metro will let that person lie in the sells because they aren't nice.  I'm not saying that police will be released when they committed murder, rape or anything like that.  But had a glass or two too many.)  I processed him like any other criminal and he was laughing all the way, telling me that as a student I was always the suspect and always got inked up, it only seems fair that he feels how it feels to be inked up.  The charging was done and I wrote out the police bail for him and my Captain signed because no one else wanted to, and my rank wasn't high enough at the time, but I was willing to take the punch for a person I knew wouldn't ever be locked up for committing a robbery, murder or rape.  He was looking for his car keys and told me to give to him as he sobered up enough to be under limit.  I told him, I charged you, I released you, and I love and respect you to much to let you drive home, because I can tell him with all honesty that the traffic were informed where you living and are covering all routes there.  I will either go home after my shift ends unless he promises to stay home on our friendship, and for the first time in his life he allowed me to drive the vehicle home, where I parked it and he went inside.  Yes, I kept the key in case his fiance called again, as I knew he needed to sleep and handed the keys over to her during the day.

 

I know this sounds like I got the back of my friends, but if I know they don't drive like that and it was because they were forced, I will help them.  And I believe that no peace officer (traffic, metro, correctional, police, ens) should be placed in a sell where they might just end up with the person they arrested or could be killed in there, so I have a soft spot for all people.  And when I know that they aren't a threat or I know where and how to find them.  So I didn't just do this for a friend, but a guy that was nice when he didn't notice he knew me, and the previous times he saw me he was reprimanding me for nothing.  After that he said he will never be that way again... I haven't checked if he remembered me, but should.  When someone at work said but they can't release him because they can't verify anything of him.  I came forth and said, he works there, he asked me how I knew, and I told him he was shouting at me when he saw me the first time and subsequently seemed to dislike.  He said, he never actually looked who it was, when I described my car to him, he remembered the incident well and that was that.

 

Mthetho, in all the years I've known you (beginning of January 2005, 10th of Jan we went to college), you never disrespected me, showed me the caring and loving side of you.  I can't forget you, and I love how you were a part of my life and made it that much richer.  Don't worry about the tears in my eyes babez, it isn't just tears of sadness, but tears sent into the universe to spread the news that an angel has been set free to grace the world of his mercy as God would want it to be.  And don't think that it will get easier, I will just learn how to deal with the sorrow and the pain.  Mthetho say hello to Luntu, and my father from me.  Even though I know they are reading this message with you as I am saying.

 

Lots of LOVE, RESPECT AND ADORATION FOR A FRIEND I CAN'T AND WON'T REPLACE, BOTH YOU AND LUNTU ARE ON MY MIND.'

 

Daddy I still speak of you to people, miss you too.  Love you so much.

 

I think I typed more the enough to remember Mthetho.

 

Luntu, I will never forget us sharing smileys, we had a lot a food we shared.  You told me I'm black on the inside and white on the outside.  I remember how I got beaten in a fight and you also couldn't handle the guy, but the blows you guys gave made me fly, and in the end it took both of us to get the suspect under control, and it was the first time you saw that I am human and capable of being beaten.

 

Lots of Love, Hugs and Kisses

Michele

Why tears.  Well I've always been an emotionally strong woman.  Yes, strong as in vocalizing what I think and how I do thigs, as well as not needing a Knight to save me I can save him too...  I'm a fighter after all.

 

Well in the last month I've been disciplined for not informing my commander about a lone child on street late at night!  I asked if that wasn't part and parcel of my work to serve and protect, and if so.  Give me a written instruction stating I should leave a defenseless five year olds on the street at 22:00 or anytime when I find a small child unsupervised.  Disciplinary actions immediately stopped as no commander wants to be held responsible as the person who instructed members under them to disregard the safety of their community let alone that of children.  But yes, that was in an emotional state of, I love children and no one is going to stop me when it comes to the future grown ups, because without them who are going to ensure our safety.

 

Now for my tears...

 

I got angered by family and friends, and my realization has come that only persons I have allocated a space in my heart can bring me to tears.  So some apparent reason this has always eluded me.  I'm hard, but soft to the touch, easy to look at and a major pain in the butt if need to bring my point over.

 

I've also found that children and animals are a sore point for me when mistreated.  Even though I despised my moms dog for wanting to kill my Labrador and almost succeeding and biting me before I went into fighting mode.  But that was self preservation on my part, I couldn't bring myself to say I'll miss him as he was euthanized, but started sobbing over Mike the Labrador who passed on years ago.

 

Does this make me emotionally stinted, as I can't comfort someone close to me in grieving.  I know I can blame my brother who didn't even allow me to grieve after my father's passing, which ended with my foot in a demanding priests face, as he tried to take something from me.  

 

But silent tears still flowed when the missing gets to much.  Tears flowing when I'm angry is even worse because that means I want to punch someone., but those also only flows if I care about the person, but I don't want to see or hear from them till I'm ready for that person.

 

The one most of us hate would be tears that makes us revert to wanting to bobe alone.  At that time to many emotions are attacking me just want to be alone.

 

Today's was that I wanted to release some anger I'm feeling towards a friend for calling me dumb when I couldnt find a him or the place we were going to.  GPS didn't work either, nor the number of the place.  Well I'm done with bitching for a bit, let me get ready for Eid as I have Muslim family and friends.  Eid Mubarak to all, and have a blessed and heart felt day.

 

Michele is out......

Hi there all

 

I know that I am attempting to be online at the very least once a week.

 

This Sunday I have the sensation that I need to talk about the past week.  Yes, I know I ventured into it.  But the avenues that I haven't entered were a few more than the pooptis I was talking about earlier.  But as a recourse I think I need to vocalize and read what I know and what I can do.

 

First thing first.  I was told by my overall commander that I must drag him to court, and this time not just demand that he leave the police, but go after his pension.  Of which I'm not comfortable to do.  But she called him in and informed him what the law states including what legal services stated.  She became the protective mother and informing him that she would work him out of the police before he can end his next 2 years before going on pension.

 

Court cases are a drag...  A real drag.

 

Legally the police needs to implement what the constitution states.  And only looking at one of the South African Constitutional Acts - Act 18.  Where it already states that no discrimination is allowed.  No matter if it is sexuality, gender or a combination of the 2.  No employer or supervisor has the right to discriminate against you because of this.  You have your freedom of expression, identification and this makes for independently individual persons.  Yes I also know, that it doesn't just take for acts in the Constitution or other law books for something to be implemented, but it is a start and it tells you the grounds you have to stand on.

 

This week, I'll make an appointment with the EHW (psychological or interpersonal assistance group in the police), and legal services.  Just to see if they would want to take up where I in this instance don't want to.  And in return if they do the fight, I'll just do the talks and see if I get pulled in for the assistance that other LGBTIQA, yes and others.  Well, I like that the description for persons have grown, but I'm beginning to become confused here in the sequence.  Okay, I also know that in the sequence once you associate with a group that one automatically moves to the front for you, but when you type it out, you always start with the sexual orientation.  Yes, I fall under the gender descriptive.

 

I think I just need to internalize this to see if I have fight left for this man or if I don't.  I definitely have fight left.  I just fear that this will destroy a career of almost 30 years and put me in the limelight of fighting superiors.  I don't have a problem being in that spotlight, but if it is for fighter of equality.  Then yes, that is all I want, everyone to be equal.  But how will this effect my career.  Will it fast track, normal pace (this is already a slow track for today's terms), or get slow tracked because I have targeted seniors that are discriminatory.  Yes, I am looking at the recourse's that others will have against me because I am attacking their friend for equality.

 

Not only does me fighting back place my career in a snare that could catapult me on anything from a fast track to non existent career enhancement track.  But it could also effect my friends and person's of interest (family) or lover.  Now can I do this to people I care about or does 2 years of an idiot sound like a walk in the park.  I just don't want to end up in hospital for mentally breaking down.  I know, nobody is strong enough to cope with life's dealing, and everyone needs that energy boost to continue.

 

So now I'm thinking.  Will this be what they can handle.  Because if they are going to be in sight of the attacks, I most definitely will start fighting with other rules a lady doesn't look at.  I'll still keep within the framework of the law, but I will be hitting below the belt till it bleeds and I am certain I made his favorite friend infertile, and hopefully also effected the capabilities of hoisting a pole because I was the storm that smashed it into pieces.

 

So my thinking cap is on and I know I can't let him do this to me.  So, clean fight, till he fights dirty and then I go legal dirty like rolling in the mud, not hiding razors in the mud.

 

So as I'm saying goodbye, it feels to me that I am going to take on this fight with a degree of hesitation.  I'm not the bitch they making me out to be, I'm not the bitch.  But I can become the bitch in the fight when required.

 

This thinking is exhausting me mentally as I need to think of the approach and which line of defense I am taking, then which alternatives are in play to counter any attacks he might throw my way.

 

Hugs, Kisses, and cheers

Michele

 

Ps. Any view point other then mine would be appreciated. 

 

Pss.  I also know, if I don't fight back, then someone with no ability to fight back might be caught in the firing line and I will in the end have to come to that persons rescue, so why not just jump in already and stop it before it can continue.

 

 

Michele out.

 

Psss.  Checking my tablet out, that was keeping online.  This laptop scenario isn't what I had in mind.

Hi there all

 

So I'm the middle of my leave currently and PMS striked again which is an enemy that is supposed to only strike me the last week of the month.  But hey, it decided that it was a good time for me to get punched while the thinking is I am supposed to be down and for the count before of my revelation or make that truth finding.  And on the same day, my blooming sinuses are also packing up and not in a mild way but a heavy attack.  So yes, first few days I was sick, and called into work for 5 days as my sub-component was in trouble for something we couldn't sort out while I was there, but there is time until the 21st to complete, when I am still on leave and I said they should just tell me when everything is right and I will sort it out on my time.  But yes that is that, and now this again, the PMS I don't mind, but the sinus attacks that doesn't want to go away, and leaving me sneezing and a nasal drip that is worse then ever.

 

Okay, I think my body this move so I couldn't go through with the boodie call I had placed to a friend that helped me out with my birthday last year.  Funny I didn't use it again seeing that he is good at what he does.  But then again, I am not fighting fire with fire because the guy that screwed around was left already, and by spiting him, I am planning of playing in his friends pool.  What, the best revenge is the revenge closest to home.  Which I also don't think I should go through, because I am not a vindictive person.  Ps...  by the time I read your responses I would've either not gone through with this or just gave in and do it, but if I do it, it isn't because I am being spiteful, but actually like the person.

 

I actually drove a few long distances, as in Cape Town if you drive more then 40km you are driving longish distance, lets see that is 25miles.  But I did two trip where the going was 100miles so a round trip was 200miles.  That was actually fun to see my car doing these distances as, I barely do 17 miles round trip per day.  But if I drive a distance to go calm down I do between 30-50miles on a calm down, I will even consider a drive of around 75miles round trip as a good calm down session.

 

Talking about calm down session, I found out and instead of crying or punching someone, I took a drive to the beach and had a nice night walk on the beach.  And before anyone starts shouting at me for going to the beach on my own.  I went to the beach that has constant traffic till around 04:00.  And the time that I was there was between 19:00 and 22:00.  So clearly the beach was not full but still had a large volume of people either on the beach or on the road not too far away.  Not that I was looking at the amount of traffic on the beach.  So I did my nature thing to bring my spirit into it zen space.

 

What this dating experience told me is, you never know the person until they show their true colors, and if you notice it don't be afraid to confront it.  But as Trans Females, we should know this, our muscle mass is way less then what it was, and if you know the guy is volatile and might beat you, don't do it as your safety is of more importance.  Then rather just leave the guy and steer clear of all the places you frequented, maybe that was just his way of hiding you from his family and friends.  But if you were introduced to family and friends, then you weren't the sideline, just screwed around on, and I don't know which is worse.  Because we have similar friends from the start, I'm not relinquishing my friends to him, as I've had them longer then him.  He also isn't distancing himself from them, so I keep my smile on my face and not even acting happy, because I am happy this happened while it was still in its infancy and not super serious.  Well three months is long for me to be in a relationship that isn't platonic.

 

Well, I have said a bit more then what I thought I would say, so have a good evening people, I'm off and out of here.

 

Cheers my lovelies

Michele

I know the title will sound like I'm rethinking something, and seeing that this is a Transgender blog, I might be thinking that I am doing the wrong thing.  But no, don't be hassling me to change for you please.  I am perfectly Michele as I am, just need a few minor modifications, make that minor modifications in the form of surgeries.

 

I'm currently the fleet manager as I said in a previous blog.  This 8-4 thing is killing me as I'm use to the 6-6 thing and after 2 days and 2 nights I would normally be off and have 4 days to myself.  Now this Monday to Friday thing is kind of a drag and also exiting, because I am the member in charge and the flack all comes my direction.

 

What I'll never miss about working shifts is the targets they have...  Yes, the station is now target orientated only in arrest and not in the form of how good you deal with the community and the relationships that you build up to them.  Just how many police initiated arrest you performed.  So it was always this way on shifts, you start work and you go home not worrying about tomorrow, but now you have worries more about performance, and you know what...  One day you may have 20 arrest and the next none.  It's the role of the dice with police initiated arrested.

 

So I'm sleeping more and my body is actually building a cycle of sleep and when I should wake up, and I never had this for the last 10 years almost 11 if you looking at it that way.  I didn't have a cycle.

 

I've ditched my uniform that will just be hanging in my cupboard till I work operations with others.  NOOOOOOOOOO,it doesn't mean I ditched my firearm because I am wearing civilian wear, I'm still driving marked vehicles and I'm not going to put myself in crap when someone starts shooting at my vehicle, I want a fighting chance of survival.

 

Now, you know what.  I've almost always been called Miss or Mrs with longer hair.  My hair isn't that long for me and I love that my face and body is giving my personality and image a pure view of me as a female.  I've been told that a girl shouldn't wear a firearm, and that it is a mans toy or weapon, which just make me look like a butch lesbian.

 

Again a butch lesbian, I am told.  Well the one that told me that my weapon can be taken from me fast, looked at me and said.  I change my opinion, you are fast to draw and cock the weapon one handed.  He thought that I would be to soft and scream at everything, before running away.

 

Okay I'm trying to catch you up on what happened in the last month with just small burst of thoughts being thrown at you to give some insight in my life.

 

I was also told to not reveal that much to the world,because it would leave me vulnerable to attack.  But my views on being attacked with something that everyone else knows, is nothing.  Because it's not a secret and what has been reveal and not been concealed to hide from the world.  Will and can never hurt me.

 

Enough of me rambling on and you not getting a fix on where I am, so cheers for now.  Be safe and take care of yourself.

 

Love and protection from Michele H

 

Ps...  Question, how do you view this???  My friend's birthday was the other day and her father passed away on the same day???  Well she is looking at it in a positive light, which I didn't see till she pointed it out to me.  It might be sad to lose your father or someone close to you on your birthday, but form now on, she will be rejoicing in the life her father lived for the rest of her life on her birthday and that of her father's birthday.  I know on my father's anniversary of the day he passed away, I always start crying as I miss him.  I have never looked at death of a loved one as a happy occurrence.

Hi all

 

As always non cryptic headings.

 

 

This week was endo week and yes the vampires took blood from me twice.  Results were good and I didn't fear any of it.

 

Now last night, not as per usual.  But with usual actions led me to self examination.  Yes, I've been wiping myself since the beginning of times and felt an irregularity last night.  Started feeling myself, not out of being horny or anything, but feeling something I'm not use too.  Thought at the beginning that I imagined something and found a lump by my hoohaa.

 

Yes, a lump and the mass isn't dense just a softish density of an almost roundish to oval shape.  No fears right, none at all.  So off to bed I went.

 

Now, I'm growing kind of apprehensive because I know the negatives that goes with it and I also realize that I don't want to be sick in front of my mother that came for a funeral, because she wouldn't want to leave, and will end in making me more anxious.

 

I also have to work irregular hours for the next week or so as it is national elections here.  So I'll just be strong as I don't and can't afford to be sick now, I've got 100's of policemen and women relying on me, not including the public members that are bordering close to half a million people.  And yes, I'm a firm believer of the protection being healthy and strong to perform their duties.  I'll be in an office directing and redirecting everyone.

 

I will look after myself as soon as I am capable of booking myself in for medical treatments, make that surgery to illuminate or strengthen all fears that I'm just human too...

 

 

Cheers for now

Lots of hugs

Michele

Good Evening

 

Operation day was 7 March 2017.

 

Well, no more Estrogen and no more Testosterone development for me, as no more testicles or ovaries for me.

 

Which was brought on 11 months prior when I developed, make that discovered growth, got admitted to hospital for chemotherapy which made me so sick that I lost 12kgs (+-26Lbs), and the 7 months ago removing the growths as the original doctor decided to be a hostile transphobic fool, and the younger surgeon with a newer practice was trans-friendly.  Because I know the likelihood of growths return every few years.

 

Well, today I am feeling better then what I felt in the first week where I developed a hematoma, and the 2nd Saturday I woke up early and thought I needed the bathroom, but when I got there it was to find that I was bleeding.

Preemptively I bought sanitary towels for the bleeding.  And it saved me from having bloody underwear, clothes or bedding.  I just had that Saturday where the bleeding overflowed the pads.  And with the first overflow I uttered profanity and a friend that slept over jumped up and ran to me to check on me.  Told him, everything is fine, and seeing that it was 02:00am as I got back into bed told him that I'm bleeding excessively, but not enough for me to warrant me to go to hospital.  For the rest of that day I was cursing as the blood kept on overflowing and smudging and staining my underwear with blood.

 

I was so drugged on pain medication most of the first 2 weeks that I the 2 nights I went to bed unprepared with a lack of pain meds in my system I woke up crying in pain, and that was all duing the first week.  I learnt that my hot water bottle was my best friend as it helped subdue the pain as it was mostly abdominal pain.

 

Currently I'm doing better and had a doctors appointment on Thursday where I was told the hematoma looks like it will take another 2 months to recover and I requested a medical letter putting me on light duties when returning to work the duration the hematoma for recovery.

 

The statement made at the last doctors appointment for the checkup.  Michele you know you can't have any biological children anymore, the procedure was irreversible.  I looked at him asking.  What would you have done.  A growth once means I'll be plagued with growth every few years, and I dont want to go through that again. And the Testosterone blocker Spiranolactine that I was using and at the dosage required by my body to stop the development of Testosterone in my body would put my kidneys and liver at risk of failure in the next year to three, by which time I would love to have done te GRS but in the unlikely event that I will struggle to get the GRS done then I safe myself the heartache of my organs failing.  He looked at me saying, you one of the few patients a doctor gets that know the pros and the cons of the procedures done.  And I wsh you all the luck.  We ended our discussion and I gave him te statistics of the quality of medical expertise versus the cost in South Africa versus Thailand.  3 to 5 times less experience and the quality but the expenses are 3 almost 4 times more expensive.

 

So have the best intentions of doctors that I personally selected. I like their service with a smile and knowing that each patient is an individual.

 

Love life.  Respect all.

 

Hugs.  Kisses

 

Cheers

Michele

Good day all

 

Okay, don't be all flustered and think that it changed my attitude to the world, it didn't, I'm just pointing out what I did, and somehow I am still getting people following me and hitting on me.  What I did I don't actually know.  But this is the steps that I took.  Maybe it was a form of liberation, but it was definitely a way to say, look at me and be certain that I am human and not going anywhere.

 

In a recent Facebook entry I made I wrote:

 

My bio

* 36 years old

* police official with sergeant rank

* from South Africa, born and raised as a Capetonian, and lived for a while in Johannesburg before moving back

* 1.74m (5'8&1/4") tall

* 64kg (145Lbs)

* naturally dark brown hair, but currently dyed

* love; cars, sushi, pizza, salads, firearms (actually weapons), sleep, fighting styles (martial arts, boxing, kick boxing)

* no children, but also not planning on any in my near future

* Gender: transgender female (even if I'm intersex, just my gender identity still)

* Sexuality: Multiple classification (A-sexual and to a degree hetero sexual)

* marital : not married, and never planning to take that step.;=

* friends: usually close knit, and mixture between male and female

life goals : career and gender equality and understanding (transgender rights - activism), writing

 

This is but a small part of me and the rest I normally open up with as time goes by.  I hate dishonesty, but I know a white lie has its place and time.

 

Whomever has a problem with me being so frank about myself, they can up and delete themselves.

 

Oh, if I don't request to see you naked, it is clear I don't want to see you naked.  And my facebook is for the facilitation of platonic relationships, and that does mean that other things can come, but platonic it will be unless mutually agreed upon for something else.

 

I don't say, fear me, as I am human.  But I also don't say try to take me for a fool, because I will know and when I let the steam out to warn you enough is enough you definitely won't like me.  As nails, teeth, fangs (I've been asked if I had them put in to look like a vampire at times), fist, open hand, feet, knees, elbows, thighs, oh just my whole body will be used to throw that train off its tracks into a raging ocean.

 

My love for cars, doesn't mean I need to drive a V8 Ford Mustang, V10 Audi R8, Mercedes AMG (so many to choose C63 AMG would do).  So I drive what fits my personality and pocket, even if it doesn't look like a vehicle someone else would buy, don't try and influence me, you not my father who knew my likes and dislikes more, and also knew that I'm more of a head then heart purchaser.

 

Wheat I don in life I do to make me proud and that of what my father instilled in me.  To be true to myself, as I know he is watching his baby's every move.

 

This will upset some that I'm open about myself, but that clearly doesn't put others in my shoes, as mine is a unique size 6 just for me.

 

Ps.  I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT PEOPLE READ BIO's BEFORE SENDING REQUEST.  NOW THIS IS A POST INTRODUCTION, SEEING THAT SOME NEGLECTED TO ACTUALLY READ IT IF THEY HAVEN'T KNOWN THIS ABOUT ME.

 

In one I got 66 likes, and 42 positive answers, the other 30 likes and 3 comments that were positive.  I'm definitely not saying that any of you should be as blunt as me, because, I know that I am unique with similar experiences at different times, or just totally different experiences emphasizing my uniqueness.  But seeing that I'm not looking for a  relationship that is more then platonic, I thought this was a way to let the people around me understand that this is me, and gave them enough time to think about what I said and delete themselves from my profile.  I definitely don't have a problem facing the war head on, because that means the understanding of who we are, are just that much easier.  And coming from a person that isn't a high profile it amounts to a lot.  With that said, my profile increased with over 2000 people in the last 3 weeks, making me feel like it is the best time to start taking on the world on my profile to make them understand the truth.  I just haven't figured out how to properly introduce it to them, but I went to a 16 days of activism, which was directed more to the women and children, somehow the bullying part came in and they noticed that I'm not absentminded or even afraid, and I mentioned that I was bullied by my commander for being transgender, but they also knew that I am in the police as I was introduced on my rank.  I showed that I had to overcome adversity by striking back in the best way I knew how and the only way that the bully would stop, and they looked at me asking how someone that's in the police can be bullied is just wrong.  I had to say, bullies are everywhere, but I knew that my bully whom was much shorter and skinnier then myself was my bully.  And you would see that they take on strong people that doesn't like to react, because in this case she was trying to get me to physically assault her to work me out of the police.  Which I didn't fall for, so I hit her where it hurts the most, her pocket.

 

I wish you all a splendid week and yes, I am back at work and loving some of the time.  Others I just want to stink bomb some offices.  If I don't write something closer to Christmas, I wish you all a happy festive season, and love yourself, because that is the biggest gift you can give yourself, because not even GRS, HRT or any of the other surgeries are going to make you appreciate and love you, if you don't do it for yourself.  I might make you feel closer to human then what you are feeling, but it will never make you feel complete.

 

 

Love and Hugs

Michele

 

Seeing that I have the time on my hands let make this one clear.

 

For 5 days out of the month, I am on a lower dosage of estrogen, and it kinda makes me cranky as hell.  Reason being is that I have decided to go the medically induced period cycle, and I know it is motha of all hell pain cramps, because I've always had these cramps from my 9th birthday.  Some months it's good and I'm just cranky as hell.  Other months it is so bad, I cramp and start crying from the pain.  But I know it is now in tune with my body cycle and I will just have to deal with the cramps, being pissy to people, crying for no apparent reason, and being needy over those days.  Oooh don't let me go into the don't touch me mode.  Then not even Thor with all his strength will be immortal, as I will crush his spirit into a painful mere mortal death.

 

What does this mean for me as in a whole with a relationship???  Okay, it's the first time we together and this cycle has come, so I warned him of the possible side effects.  Yes, FX is on.

 

What I believe and what Jazz's mom tells her in I am Jazz is right.  Be honest about who you are, because there are evil people out there.  And her parent's are constantly worrying about her ever finding love with a guy or girl that respects her.  I also hope that she gets what she needs in life, and I hope that for me too.

 

Would it have been easier if I was medically inducing my periods from a young age like Jazz, maybe.  But on the other side,  I would not have known that people can be so cruel because they don't understand the changes we as transgender persons have to endure just to feel whole.  But I also hope that the earlier changes for the young teenagers are going to put them on a more level playing ground with the rest of the world.

 

My cramps and my pms, on the other end of the scale is unique.  As I don't think many transgender females naturally produced so much estrogen like I did which put me on an advantage to feel body changes on the inside that others had to wait to experience...  Okay I struggled to grow breast,  am still on only an A cup and at least the cups are the fuller A's then the partial A's they were.  But I also knew that I would end up here.  Because my family has breast sizes ranging from A cup to FFF Cups.  The ones with the big breast are also the idiots in my family.  I stood in the line for more smarts then a voluptuous body.

 

No I am not saying that big breast and blonds are idiots by nature, only the big breasted women in my family are idiots.  And they think that sex sells and men will do anything just because of some breast and giving them the cookie jar.

 

I love that I can still creatively thing of names for things that would just sound to crude at any given moment.

 

Okay, the last thing about me being on the period cycle of hormones are, I want my body to simulate a natural female body with hormones and in doing so assist with the development I am going through.  And it has made a big difference from the 18 months of straight hormone high to period cycle.  I have developed more, and it has kept my migraines more at bay.

 

To all have a good day.  Be safe, and think before you do.  I have discussed this before I did it.

 

Cheers for now

Michele with love

Hi everyone

 

Let me say this.  Ouch is literally currently happening to me.  I got this sharp pain yesterday in my abdominal region and this morning it extended it's range to my crotch area.  So ouch stand for pain and bleeding, that I think I can handle till later, but will definitely go to the doc tomorrow.  Okay, I'm also guessing that I'm postponing getting medical attention so I can possibly get the results I desire.

 

What I can say is, don't do what I do, because it can result in a dangerous zone of life.  So I'm hoping it doesn't effect me so much that I can't move tomorrow.

 

When I finally learn to be afraid I can most probably learn the vulnerability of the rest of humanity.  Have I mentioned that I got a repeated dream during the week where I inadvertently got kidnapped, not because I couldn't fight the men, but them pointing the kids with firearms and I couldn't stand for them being injured all because of me.  On the better side, in the dreams just before waking up I always got my GRS and the last 2 got saved by a man I respect and yes the kids that were with me before the kidnappings, one of whom was his oldest boy.

 

So this was my week, dreams with a hint of nightmare and this pain-distention-bleeding and I'm truly just me the one you can say is doing it the way I should.

 

Cheers for tonight.

Be free and allow the world to love you the way we deserve to be loved

 

Hugs

Michele

Because of discussions on how Trans and the general LGBTI community gets treated in by medical staff, police, well government employees, hasn't made me think of this all that much. Because I've always been treated with a certain level of respect and dignity, which I always needed to earn or demand.

I'm also a government employee as you all know, so this shocked me when my group had to deal with a M2F that didn't pass. This poor teenaged girl was treated absurdly and persecuted even more so although she was arrested for drugs.

The law clearly states that the police arrest and the courts decide if anyone is guilty of the offense on all the evidence produced.

Okay, I only stepped in afterwards when I was told. By that time it was a joke to all the cis gendered persons outside by the holding cells. Because of safety, I had to ask a few no no questions, but I made it clear I'm also Trans and was only asking those questions too ensure her safety.

I was also sick that night, but made certain before going she was safe.

For some time the question on how LGBTI persons are supposed to be treated and handled when detained came up. Lucky for me the next day I had a group session where I raised the question. Because of the mixed answers, they all made it clear on what I needed to do...

I subsequently wrote a proposal letter to avail myself as the face for all things LGBTI in the police. And to teach the members through seminars what the correct way would be to deal with a person from the LGBTI community.

The only thing left for me to do is create a questionnaire (would most probably only be used on persons that definitely doesn't pass and those of us that are pre-ops. As those are the persons that will be effected the most when arrested. Those that pass and are post-ops will most likely not even disclose. Unfair, but the harsh reality of life and how easily we blend into cis normativity will count in our favor.

I truly hoped it would be different, but we also have bigotry between some that pass and others that don't. I'll be attempting to bring all to an equal playing field, but until this happens we are all part of an unjust society.

Much love to the few fighting for all our rights till everyone is equal.

Okay, on day one I was exhausted and still went to the gym.

 

This week I managed to go to the gym 3 days with my friend.  One I couldn't go because I had to attend to a work function.

 

What I noticed on Wednesday was.  Meeting day is a crappy day to be at the station.  I should thank the heavens that I wasn't put in charge of typing the minutes as well.  I hate doing minutes.

 

I had to sit in some meeting that was super boring.  And another where I call it a crap out parade.  Shame this one Captain just seems to not be in the good books at all.

 

On a brighter note.  My Colonel is back, after having a triple bypass and I would have told him to stay at home seeing that the wounds have not as yet all healed, and he developed some infections.  But how can you tell a workaholic to stay away from work, if that is one of the things that is making him sick and depressed.  So when he says I must drive him somewhere, I just get a vehicle and drive him.

 

I think he is more open about things with me as I am open about myself with him.  After he was informed that I dated, he initially jumped to a time I dated someone around the corner from his house, whom was also in the police at that time and abusive.  I should be glad that I didn't tell him that ex is in jail now, or he would've blown a gasket.  In that breakup I need the protection of my Colonel to make certain that that guy stay away from me.  He showed how protective he can be over me and then his friend the commander of that person also had to intervene, because I didn't realize I was dating a psycho, until he became abusive to the extent of punching me a few times and going for a firearm to quiet me up, because no amount of hitting me can make me go quiet.  Actually I defended myself, but couldn't get to my phone for help to arrive.  I should say, fortunately for me, I had my firearm on me that day, or things would've been different.  What I mean by that, I would've been shot, if I didn't have my unique place of pointing a firearm to make any CIS or Transgender Male drop their weapons in fear of losing their little guy.  I walked out and as I drove off that day I called to say, don't bother calling me or trying to see me, no person threatens my life or hits me to return into my life without being an arrested suspect.

 

Long story short, I need to run.  Just got an urgent call.  Will continue on this later.

Hi all, haven't been around for a while and yes.  I still hope that everyone is doing well.

 

One of the most recent things that happened was a dreadful birthday, where I was feeling depressed and violated to the extend that I stayed indoors as I got home the day before and didn't leave my bed except for bathroom breaks and eating obviously, (from the Thursday evening till the Monday around noon.  Didn't even answer any calls, just played games on my tablet and basically slept the whole time.

 

I started lasering my face again, and it looked like I was brutally assaulted by someone.  Bruises and swelling from my face to neck.  Not even icing my face worked for the first few hours to stop the burning sensation.  I can't remember that it was this painful before, but I'm writing this down to HRT and fat distribution.

 

I should emphasize that I'm not dating, married or anything in that field with this next piece of information being shared.  Drums please!!!  I've become an instant parent to a teenager, 14 years old to be precise.  This is like throwing me into the deep end at the pool without my floating vest and teaching me to swim.  The last few months was difficult in a sense, but we will see if all our help worked out for his first exam.  Yes a him, and what the hell do I know about boys, other then how to kick their asses in a fight and make their happy stick rise, bleed (part of ass kicking) and throw up. This has been an experience and I'm glad we are three in this endeavor, because the fourth person, the dad is almost never there and we found a t-shirt for him, "I'm on my but now where to be found".  Yes he says he is around the corner and we already know he'll pitch when he finally pitches.

 

Oh, my 11th anniversary started in January and I'm truly furniture in my rank, but luckily I've been around to know more then one field, and wished the exams thing was still in practic, because I'd be way further then what I am now.

 

I also joined a fitness boot camp.  May I laugh already, lost weight but only gained muscle and no inches off my middle, but enjoying it and I'm the naughty girl in the group, okay one of the naughty ladies.

 

Breast development has stopped on an A cup, a 32A.  The endocrinologist I'm using is new to HRT and lucky for me she is willing to learn, unlucky part is I get homework to do.

 

Lastly, I've been super emotional for about three weeks and unfortunitely for the guy that got me crying, flew out the office, without witnesses but only persons seeing him land on his ass outside.  Everyone was shocked as they saw me running out with tears streaming down my face.

 

Now you are all caught up in my life.  So my next blog will be about something relevant other then my emotional breakdowns.

 

Enjoy the day and make sure to look after yourselves.  I'm not there to punch that guy for you girls.

 

 

Hugs and kisses

Michele

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