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Hi there all.

 

How do I start this...

 

I grew up asking questions and I mean this question has been asked even before I was 4 years old.

 

The question in question is, "What did you let the doctors do to me as a baby?"

 

Well the answer back then was, circumcision, and distended testicles.  And another answer was, circumcision (which I never doubted for a second) and intertwined testicles.  Okay the reason I asked as a child was because I felt like I wasn't in the right body, and I could notice that something was done on me even though the scars weren't visible anymore.

 

The same question was asked when I was 9 years old, because I started my periods, and everything was normal except for the fact that I didn't bleed or it was believed.  This periods never stopped and I just had to deal with monthly cramps till that faithful day I was hospitalized for the infection I blogged about in a previous session.

 

So pushing made and knowledge let me discover that I was born intersexed.  Yes, having two genders in one body.  How furious I was when I discovered that my mom authorized the surgery to correct it and my dad had to endure the pain of witnessing the operation performed on his baby.  This also made me understand why my dad didn't push hard when I said no to things, as your typical girl would answer request that were male related.

 

I never identified as male, and only as female so this became apparent that my dad didn't want to go against my mother's decisions, but would do whatever it takes to make his baby happy.  So in this, I am smiling that he is the person and was the person I turned to when I was in need of answers, even in his death I still turn the same way because I know what he would say, spending all that time with him.

 

Would I have been married if I grew up typically female with everything to match and just a medical condition where my estrogen was too low, and need that filled???  I don't know, but I know that I wouldn't have waited so long to interact with men on a sexual level.

 

Yes I have a great deal of animosity towards my mother for not allowing me to choose or that she didn't want to wait to see which direction my mood and behavior I was attached to more.  Why decide and hope for the best while you know there is a 50% change that the gender you decided on could backfire because the child you envision doesn't exist, because the individual got sculpted and formed their own opinions.

 

Yes this is a short piece about me, and I don't need pity, because my anger at this point in time will melt the best of intentions.

 

I hope that no one has to go through this and that we as a community of trans persons, let me include intersex seeing that I actually crossed the boarders with the realization that my suspicions were right all along.  In that little piece of fact that I knew from the start, makes me calmer and not so angry.

 

I do love my mother, but can't stand that her good intentions turned out the worst for me.  And yes, that is what most parents do.  Make decisions for their children and hope for the best when they grow up into hopefully a well balanced grown-up.

 

Cheers. Lots of love and kisses

Michele

 

I know the title will sound like I'm rethinking something, and seeing that this is a Transgender blog, I might be thinking that I am doing the wrong thing.  But no, don't be hassling me to change for you please.  I am perfectly Michele as I am, just need a few minor modifications, make that minor modifications in the form of surgeries.

 

I'm currently the fleet manager as I said in a previous blog.  This 8-4 thing is killing me as I'm use to the 6-6 thing and after 2 days and 2 nights I would normally be off and have 4 days to myself.  Now this Monday to Friday thing is kind of a drag and also exiting, because I am the member in charge and the flack all comes my direction.

 

What I'll never miss about working shifts is the targets they have...  Yes, the station is now target orientated only in arrest and not in the form of how good you deal with the community and the relationships that you build up to them.  Just how many police initiated arrest you performed.  So it was always this way on shifts, you start work and you go home not worrying about tomorrow, but now you have worries more about performance, and you know what...  One day you may have 20 arrest and the next none.  It's the role of the dice with police initiated arrested.

 

So I'm sleeping more and my body is actually building a cycle of sleep and when I should wake up, and I never had this for the last 10 years almost 11 if you looking at it that way.  I didn't have a cycle.

 

I've ditched my uniform that will just be hanging in my cupboard till I work operations with others.  NOOOOOOOOOO,it doesn't mean I ditched my firearm because I am wearing civilian wear, I'm still driving marked vehicles and I'm not going to put myself in crap when someone starts shooting at my vehicle, I want a fighting chance of survival.

 

Now, you know what.  I've almost always been called Miss or Mrs with longer hair.  My hair isn't that long for me and I love that my face and body is giving my personality and image a pure view of me as a female.  I've been told that a girl shouldn't wear a firearm, and that it is a mans toy or weapon, which just make me look like a butch lesbian.

 

Again a butch lesbian, I am told.  Well the one that told me that my weapon can be taken from me fast, looked at me and said.  I change my opinion, you are fast to draw and cock the weapon one handed.  He thought that I would be to soft and scream at everything, before running away.

 

Okay I'm trying to catch you up on what happened in the last month with just small burst of thoughts being thrown at you to give some insight in my life.

 

I was also told to not reveal that much to the world,because it would leave me vulnerable to attack.  But my views on being attacked with something that everyone else knows, is nothing.  Because it's not a secret and what has been reveal and not been concealed to hide from the world.  Will and can never hurt me.

 

Enough of me rambling on and you not getting a fix on where I am, so cheers for now.  Be safe and take care of yourself.

 

Love and protection from Michele H

 

Ps...  Question, how do you view this???  My friend's birthday was the other day and her father passed away on the same day???  Well she is looking at it in a positive light, which I didn't see till she pointed it out to me.  It might be sad to lose your father or someone close to you on your birthday, but form now on, she will be rejoicing in the life her father lived for the rest of her life on her birthday and that of her father's birthday.  I know on my father's anniversary of the day he passed away, I always start crying as I miss him.  I have never looked at death of a loved one as a happy occurrence.

Hi all

 

I know, it's all part of the transition.  But does laser hair removal have to sting this much???

 

Okay, so I did it a few minutes ago.  Stung a bit, but I've found better results if you don't shave beforehand.  It's also not like I have hair popping out like daisies on my face and neck.  It is still like a little blotch I've here and there.  I last shaved on Friday, because of a round trip from Cape Town to Upington (over a1000miles) and back.  Didn't think we wouldn't not sleep for a few hours at least and use a bathroom to freshen up.  But instead, we had family time and shopping before getting back into the car (Chevrolet Spark 1.2L, 60kW or 80hp isn't all that much I agree, but the drive was comfortable enough).  Got back and basically just stripped and washed before getting in bed and sleeping the time away.

 

So I lasered my face around 15:00 doing my whole face with the home kit, seeing that there is no salon close to where I live.  Torture myself you say, yes I did, and less the 5 minutes later I was done, at the salon if you show pain they st, so takes about 15 minutes at one.

 

I didn't take the highest setting because, 3 weeks back it left my skin irritated and looking like I was assaulted by my man.  Therefore I moved to the middle setting to not look like a battered wife.

 

I was thinking that if it even leaves me with a light fluff it would be alright, and then I can have electrolysis done to work out that last few kinks of fluff, but if it removes like everything, I'll be elated.

 

I know it is a small fortune to spend on the home equipment or to go to the salon.  But this way, I can zap areas I would feel uncomfortable to open up for other people.  Yes I'm shy to the max.

 

What do you think of the amount of hair still left behind on my face?

 

It should hopefully be gone by June or July, but this is a home kit, so might take longer.  Let me know if you would do this to yourself or not.

IMG_20160321_154409.jpg

 

Be safe and look after yourselves ladies.

 

Big hugs and smooches

Michele

Warned

By Michele800226,

Hi the all

 

As most of you all know, I'm a police officer since January 2005, and that I can fight.

 

Well yesterday, one of my colleagues came to the station, and he is currently working at a unit.  We started talking as normal, and then out of the blue, no I was the only one in blue uniform.  He warned me that I've become a topic at the unit and it isn't clear what the guys intentions are.

 

He further informed me that they are having issues with me being trans and discussing amongst themselves and contemplating if I'll be going through the surgery.

 

Well not like the surgery discussions are news to me,nor the fact that most of the men indicated that they'll take sex from me, but backed off once I was shooting next to them.  And I know some fear me, not just because they saw me shooting but also had the opportunity to witness me fight.

 

Now, I'm not fearing what they might be planning, as I have proved myself with a lot of the men, so we either have mutual respect or just hate each others guts.  Yes, doesn't mean I'm a peace officer that I can't hate someone, I'm human after all.

 

I know I don't have legal recourses as I will never be told who was the initiator / instigators are, and if he started it as a means to make the crew comfortable with me.  And then his good intentions turned into warnings coming my way.  Well either way, I didn't think it would be easy to transition in the police.  I knew that I would get hurdles, security fences, hills and snake infested mountains that I must face and cross.  And before he came, I've already made up my mind on how to deal with the gender issues in the police.

 

So is this warning something I should take serious.  As I don't think it will substantiate or manifest itself into a murder threat or warning.  Other shit for them is, some of them have to work with me to get a part of their work done, so sexually devouring me without permission will not happen, unless I desire that man to treat me like a piece of apple pie.

 

I should get done, and the book Always Anastacia by Anastacia Tomson is giving me insight into how different like minded women can be, and I'm definitely enjoying how she came out at work as transgender.  It's her autobiography from her dead name to how she came to understand and live her life...  So I'm being inspired by strong women too.

 

Okay, the last part of the warning.  I'm taking it as a gossip story that reached my ears after much deliberation from a friend to think of how it will hurt me if I had to know.  But, it's not as if it is a secret, and I'm open about my gender and was expecting death threats, not rape threats.  Now that is indicative to me that I'm sexy and they know and want me but are scared of what people around them might say.

 

Therefore I will take it as a validation of my beauty, or should I be scared???  Before anyone answers, I've had the same training in the police of all the minimum advance training they must go through.  And then some.

 

Now I can say.

 

Have a good weekend.  Cramps are killing me and it feels like those hospitalization pains I had, after all I found some blood on my clothes and after wiping my .....cat.

 

Safety first, and leave the heroics for me.  Now I just need to make contact with someone I know.

 

Cheers for now

Michele

Hi there all

 

I know I haven't been on in the resent weeks and I am to blame.  Well you'll see what is to blame as I continue this entry....

 

So, I have been chatting to this guy and thought that he is cool and everything.  Till the awkward part came of him asking me to meet him.  We continued our cheerful banter and I didn't let that phase me.  As luck would have it, I was busy chatting to a girlfriend about my gender and she being understanding and him at the same time.  Yes,  I did the blooper.  A message of how to explain gender, which was meant for her ended up going to him and he replies by asking if I am serious that I am transgender.  When I confirmed what I by mistake told him, as I had a softer approach planned for him on the same evening.  He shocked me with his answer, "Well does this change you?  Because if you can show me how this changes your personality and everything about you that I like.  I will except that it wasn't meant to be to meet you."

 

We continued chatting and he didn't become abrasive or mean towards me in the weeks that followed, just more understanding and still sending me my kisses and hugs over the messaging system that we use.  He asked if we could meet.  Just before we met, I was thinking is this a good idea.  What if he just played me and wanted to assault or kill.  Or what if he lied about how he looked.  This and a million other question ran through my head.

 

ETA to meet, crap is here.  Not even me approach him, but he approaches me and gives me the hugs that I said he owed and which he said I owed him.  Looked him up and down and saw that he actually looks like the person that he said he is.  The conversation continues and he sounds like the person I was chatting to.  Okay, I never heard his voice and language that he used just sounded like him.  Yes, he also looked me up and down.  And he looks at me funny, "I'm not what you expected was I.  Did I lie to you.  But damn girl you are even sexier in real life that what your pictures made you out to be."  I had to convince him that it was only that he didn't lie to me that was making me awe struck by him and that he is actually just refreshing to chat too.

 

We spent that evening together and chatted the whole night.  He leaned in and I was all, what the hell in my head to allowing my body to play along.  He kissed me full on mouth and..... Yes, I liked it.  I really like the kiss I received from him.  Before the sun even came out a question was posed to me, "Would you be my girlfriend?"  I looked like I could probably faint and he just looked at me and said something like, am I that ugly, and can you only see us as friends or more.  As he turned his head away, I pulled him closer and kiss him.  All I could say was, YES!!!  He looked at me as if to say, you just saying so not to hurt me.  I kissed him again to show that our kisses are passionate and that I actually meant what I said.

 

Hey, we were getting to know each other over multimedia and it turned out to be the same persons.  Just me talking slightly less, okay more like 50% of the time I spoke and speak on multimedia.  I explained that this is for him to actually get in some words before I take over my part of talking in real life too.

 

So far, he has introduced me to one of his grandmother's, uncle, and aunts of his father's side.  Yes, nieces and cousins were home too.  He even left me alone with his gran to see how we would communicate.  Ooooh he got, it after that, because he didn't even prepare me that he was doing this.

 

What I thought of him asking me was.  It will be a week or so of dating according to him and then just leave me to my own defenses again.  Not introduce me to his family as I am now a fixture in his life.  Shocker, I would say.

 

What he made clear was that he is stubborn and I would have to be submissive to him.  What I made clear is, I am also stubborn and me being submissive will never work for me.  So we should decide on which topics I am going to win and on which topics he is going to win.

 

I know his favorite foods, colors and why he is into red and black.  International soccer team is Manchester United, and international rugby team is All Blacks.  His local rugby team for sevens as he said are the Crusaders.  Don't ask me about sports as I told him, because I am only going to be watching the asses that are running past me on the field and nothing else.  I was also told that I will watch sports with him.  I told him, only if I get something out of the deal.  He said that I got him and I should appreciate the man that decided I am the only one for him.

 

Well let me see.  I man that is almost 10 years younger, and lucky for him I'm born early in the year and he late in the year, because if he refused to be born in December, he would've been 10 years younger.  He also says, I should be so paranoid about me being 9 years older then him.  If the age bothered him, he would've not asked me to be his girlfriend.

 

In this weeks he has made me realize that he is making me accept the world more.  And that me being older is nothing, because I wouldn't even have thought of it if he was 9 years older then me.  He is making me also see that I am the only person that make him happy.  Funny enough, he gave me the password on his cellphone and I said, but it's not my place to scratch on his phone just as it isn't his place to scratch on mine.  But still everything that I he most probably would've wanted to see if he was possessive over me, I showed him and he showed me.

 

The one thing I don't tell him, is that I sometimes have altercations with suspects and as a female (and a person with no testosterone in my body) I find it difficult to fight men and not get injured.

 

But I'm digressing.  I am currently happy in a relationship.

 

Yours sparkling

Michele

Hi all

 

As always non cryptic headings.

 

 

This week was endo week and yes the vampires took blood from me twice.  Results were good and I didn't fear any of it.

 

Now last night, not as per usual.  But with usual actions led me to self examination.  Yes, I've been wiping myself since the beginning of times and felt an irregularity last night.  Started feeling myself, not out of being horny or anything, but feeling something I'm not use too.  Thought at the beginning that I imagined something and found a lump by my hoohaa.

 

Yes, a lump and the mass isn't dense just a softish density of an almost roundish to oval shape.  No fears right, none at all.  So off to bed I went.

 

Now, I'm growing kind of apprehensive because I know the negatives that goes with it and I also realize that I don't want to be sick in front of my mother that came for a funeral, because she wouldn't want to leave, and will end in making me more anxious.

 

I also have to work irregular hours for the next week or so as it is national elections here.  So I'll just be strong as I don't and can't afford to be sick now, I've got 100's of policemen and women relying on me, not including the public members that are bordering close to half a million people.  And yes, I'm a firm believer of the protection being healthy and strong to perform their duties.  I'll be in an office directing and redirecting everyone.

 

I will look after myself as soon as I am capable of booking myself in for medical treatments, make that surgery to illuminate or strengthen all fears that I'm just human too...

 

 

Cheers for now

Lots of hugs

Michele

Good evening everyone

 

Not a big thing, I'm going in on Tuesday for an operation to remove my lump.  So far no sign of imminent danger, so relieved to an extent, but will be happier on Tuesday 2016-08-16 when it is removed.

 

So not all smile, but some sort of smile and a grin after having a bowl of comfort food.  Can't beat chocmint ice cream.  For once a male doc that wants to learn more.

 

Here's to queer cheers, hell whatever kind of cheers you want to give works.

 

Oooh was told by my non biological child, he loves my laugh.  I'm talking about my ugly laugh, and he says it sounds like I can be the villain in the movies.

 

Good night my sweets.

 

Hugs and kisses

Oooh loads of motivation to keep on with your desires to fulfill your dreams.  Hey, can't just the bearer of bad, semi good news.  If I can be strong, so can you, and if you don't have the strength, just lean on me and I'll carry you to safety...

Xoxoxoxoxoxo

Michele

Hi all

 

The question always comes up, never mind if you thought you've got control over ever part of your life, there is always something out of sink...  I guess it's natures or life's way of saying that you have a lot to learn girl, just deal with it or parish in your self loathing pity party.

 

The first one I would like to address is...

 

Why did I have to be trans and not cis???

Well, I don't know the answer to that, but it's what my heart, head and well every single part of my body dictates for me.  And if I have to look at it, probably because of the strength I've got on the inside.  Because I wouldn't and couldn't have been so vocal about what I feel if I never experienced any struggles in my life.

 

Yes it was easy for me to know who and what I am today and when I was a child, but that doesn't mean I had it easy either.  My mom with her gang (the two siblings in the middle a brother and sister) that tormented and bullied to get what they want, and me ignoring them for the greater part of my life.  Yes they definitely wanted a CIS sibling that was muscular and a manly man.  Sis on them, but that is probably why I discontinued any sorts of relationships with them for the greater part of my life, and live by a total different set of rules.  And the thing is, I went to a church service a few days ago.  Probably because my wiccan ass needed to find spiritual enlightenment and to find an answer to why I hated myself so or the mood I was in at the time.  Yes, I needed to find out why I was still kicking myself for something.  I found the answer somehow unbeknown to me, and I learned that the most important part of me currently is running on hatred towards myself for allowing what I couldn't stopstop an attack where a car was used..  Yes your hardest criteria are for yourself and no one will take that spot you've been trying to make even if you know, the world dealt you cards and incidentsincidents to either build you stronger, or destroy you because you lost the will to continue the fight.

 

The second part is...

 

Will I ever trust anothers heart with myself???

 

Well as I am growing older, I'm not certain that love is for everyone and that I am destined to be a singleton.  But yes, I am a romantic at heart and think that everyone has a heart out there that completes them.  Yes, I know this to be true, but my trusting issues are holding me back to going out there to do just that.  But that same thing that is known is also the thing in life that puts fear or a bad taste in your mouth.  Then the fact that you are trans and should also find love in life, but let's get it clear that we would love to find that one person that doesn't matter if you are trans or cis and would love and respect you for the pure fact that their is that bond of love between you, that connection that keeps you wanting that person, because you are safe in that relationship.

 

But will I allow this for me, I don't know and currently think that I won't just because of who I am and what I've been through.

 

Third thing I want to address is...

 

Why does your love of things and way you are dictate to people who you are?  Is it subjective or objective???

 

Well I am a trans female and if we look at the way I walk, talk, act and move, you'll see a female moving about and then my love for eating, shooting, cars, firearms, swords, knives (let's just say weapons and get it over with), fighting styles and kicking some guys ass for messing with me.  And yes, I know I can't win every fight, but I sure as hell have won all my fights psychologically even though my butt was kicked by that person.

 

Well subjectively and objectively I still don't know if love is meant for me.

 

Seeing that I said more then enough and left some questions partly answered, I'll say.

 

Be safe in the knowledge that we are loved and need to know who we are and accept what life has in store for you.

 

Hugs and kisses

Michele

Hi there

 

I'm smiling at the thought of me saying, let there be... First thing that comes to mind is ,"Light". But which light will I be referring too? Light as in truth, or the perfect way forward. But the more I think about it, the answer slips me... What I've come to find is, my week was filled with conversation with either men I personally know or have just met on Facebook. Yes, I sometimes accept request from total strangers. In the hope that not all men are dogs or think a pair of tits makes you an idiot and a gullable girl.

 

The one wants to get back together and I know it's the worst idea in the world. Because the man he is, isn't all bad or all good. He is a manipulative man, that thinks he is never wrong and only wants his way. And when he does something wrong, all the blame for him doing it comes directed towards you, because you called him out on it. Thinking that emotional manipulation makes everything right. And no, I don't like or want to be emotionally blackmailed. Therefore I am lucky in a sense that even while sick, I can think in my feet and let him no, I don't want to see him, it is a bad idea and that we are bad together as a couple. We work much better to just chat with each other as our worlds doesn't attract meteors to crash into us causing disaster above disaster. And after I told him his final NO on Saturday, all radio silence was initiated again. And this from a man that was trying to get into my bed.

 

Idiotic antidote number 2. Yes, this unknown man starts off chatting to me and telling me how beautiful I am and how I am God sent for him after losing his wife in a car accident and having a daughter that is 18years old. The more we chatted the more disillusioned and detached he seems from reality. According to him, he is this successful engineer that is working on an oil rig in South Africa, and would love to marry me as we are soulmates, destined to get married, and would move to California where we would live happily ever after in a house that he build for his wife and himself.  And the beginning of this week, of which I'm sceptic already. Did I say I have difficulty in trusting men! And then he says we one and his bank account is overdrawn and needs finances to continue with his project and it would mean so much to him that he can finish on time. Bull twang!!! Told him, I don't know him and my finances is mine, of which I don't know if I can trust him or not. He continued with his messaging to attempt and convince me into parting with my money and possibly even my life. Yes, I know of serial killers that used the friends cards with how much they love you to draw you in and because of your gender, sexuality, or perceived looks can trigger their psycho side.

 

Well out of some of the conversations I am having, there are guys that looks at me as a sexual objectobject (or do they think I'm a prostitute for quick sex), and others that finds me intellectually stimulating as well as a looker. The only question I would have is, "Do these men actually go through my profile that says I'm a transgender female, and nothing in the world is going to change that. Because if the fight comes my way or known to me which is discriminatory against gender or sexuality, I will step in and fight in that war." Or are they just looking at my face (profile picture) as those are the only two things visible on my Facebook before I accept any friend request. Well, I am grateful that I am a visible transgender female that stand for human rights and the equality that we all deserve.

 

Hugs, respect, freedom, equality and my looks.

Bid you goodnight for now.

Michele J Heynes

Hi there everyone

 

Know that this have been a while.  But I can promise that I have more then enough to tell.

 

Where to start, is a good question, and like I tell everyone go to the beginning.  But in this instance, I will take different headings for different starts.  So LONG STORY  I THINK...

 

DATING

Well since I last was on I got in a relationship and ended it a few days ago.  But here goes the experience.

 

Well as I never go looking for things like this, I can't say that I was on the hunt.  But this is how the hunted story starts.

 

Went to a friends place, I haven't seen in a while and one of the children I knew has finally grown up.  Darnit, I even forgot about him because he was really all grown up, and no, it wasn't him.  I continued going in as I only realized that my friend is a qualified hairdresser and went to check out her skills.  Didn't take notice of the guys in a way to actually say I'm available and the one just continually messed with me.  Made it his point to walk in on me and scare the living daylight out of me while singing.  Oh, I actually know how to use my vocals and just tried to ignore that I knew this.  Pushed him away after a month of constant harassment and me stating I don't do children.  He asked what is a child on him, he is old enough.  Okay, in the push he fell over and was lying on his back and I ended up sitting on top of him to tell him why it wouldn't work with him.  And I get told I'm not that strong, but lean in he wants to say something and started kissing me.  Pushed him down and away from my mouth, even though his kissed intrigued me.  Still held my grounds that he is too young, and for a week or two he continuously kissed me and told me that it will happen that I will allow him in.  Well lets forget the pelvis grinding he did and later pinning me down, before I stopped fighting him.

 

I looked at him and found his Identity Document and noticed that he is legal aged and basically 17 years younger than me.  How I'm hearing the ladies shout, cougar, cradle snatcher, you could've changed his nappies while he was a baby.  Well, I eventually let my guard down and accepted that a younger guy was interested in me.  Let him kiss and go on with me.  Even let him take me to a club, me at a club.  I'm way to old for that crap, I don't do clubs unless I truly need to unwind and there is no open punching bag.  But then I also have grown up to the degree where I won't drink and drive.  I know the practice was bad, but in my prior few years I would keep my blood alcohol level within the legal limit.

 

The things I enjoyed most about the dating scene were the following.  The greeting when I make my appearance or he made his appearance.  That I didn't have to hide anything about me.  I made it clear I identify as transgender and that I wasn't going to have a sex relationship before I am ready to.  I liked the way he touched my skin, the kisses, yes even the pinning down, and me in turn pinning him down.  The trust he had in me, or is it has, because we still friends and not with benefits.  Being treated like the young lady I was viewed as.

 

Does me ending the relationship because I couldn't see any growth or positive path after a while, and that sex was becoming a topic that I didn't want to cross over too.  Having the full surgery is my goal and that is the only way that I want to be intimate with a someone, as I still don't agree with my full body experience.  Does it mean that I'm not flirting with men because of this extra boost of confidence, well apparently I have become a prime target on the dating scene and have connected communicatively, but then again none of my electronic profiles I created doesn't misrepresent me as a whole.  And I notice that most people don't even read that part I left open to make them decide if they want to befriend me or not.  I have no qualms telling people I'm transgender either, as it is an essential part of me.  I say I identify as transgender, though born intersex and if I'm not in the mood to educate, I will also ask not to ask me about it go do research and come back later to me.  I even get new friends that are new to being trans and using the derogatory slang as they don't know better and will do my lecturer stance and correct them on the spot.

 

But yes, I currently have a few conversations going, and I know that some guys are only looking for experimenting and I end up asking questions that makes some guys squirm and just delete themselves from my life.

 

So that is the dating front.  Oh, did I mention that I got a few marriage proposal in this time frame that I have been missing.

 

 

SERGEANT RANK

The list came out and my name was one of the first for the promotions from Constable to Sergeant and then the effective date was a while back, but the confirmation that the last list is the correct list needs to come, because we had to fill in paperwork's and I don't think that the national office realized that we are so many people that need to be promoted.

 

I just hope that everything is right by the time that I get back to work from leave and can wear Sergeant ranks.  Well if my plans had gone as I originally wanted in the police, I would've been a Captain by now, and would've been a Sergeant by 2010, Warrant Officer by 2012, and Captain by 2014.  But then changes happened and the waiting period to Sergeant was drastically increased.

 

HAIR GROWTH AND COLORS

My hair has grown by about 2 inches (5cms), I got some streaks in and then changed my color to red and naturally got some blond streak highlights, because my hair was bleached before coloring it.  I have stayed with my friend the hairdresser from the end of August till now, and for basically 2 months the growth is substantial, and my hair hasn't looked healthier in ages.

 

Do I have anything else to gossip about of myself???  I don't think so.  But, seeing as things are going in all directions with me, some bad, some good.  I am just enjoying the rest of the life and expecting anything to happen when it must happen.

 

I have made peace with my maker decades ago, so if I must die, it is a good day to die.  And if I continue to live, it is the best days to live and be prosper.

 

Be safe ladies, I will be safe on leave and will be tempting fate to see if I am actually going to step into a relationship with a guy that is a year younger then me, just saying.  I'm enjoying this dating game...

 

Cheers ladies.

 

Have a splendid time and stay gorgeously perfect.


Michele

Good Evening

 

Operation day was 7 March 2017.

 

Well, no more Estrogen and no more Testosterone development for me, as no more testicles or ovaries for me.

 

Which was brought on 11 months prior when I developed, make that discovered growth, got admitted to hospital for chemotherapy which made me so sick that I lost 12kgs (+-26Lbs), and the 7 months ago removing the growths as the original doctor decided to be a hostile transphobic fool, and the younger surgeon with a newer practice was trans-friendly.  Because I know the likelihood of growths return every few years.

 

Well, today I am feeling better then what I felt in the first week where I developed a hematoma, and the 2nd Saturday I woke up early and thought I needed the bathroom, but when I got there it was to find that I was bleeding.

Preemptively I bought sanitary towels for the bleeding.  And it saved me from having bloody underwear, clothes or bedding.  I just had that Saturday where the bleeding overflowed the pads.  And with the first overflow I uttered profanity and a friend that slept over jumped up and ran to me to check on me.  Told him, everything is fine, and seeing that it was 02:00am as I got back into bed told him that I'm bleeding excessively, but not enough for me to warrant me to go to hospital.  For the rest of that day I was cursing as the blood kept on overflowing and smudging and staining my underwear with blood.

 

I was so drugged on pain medication most of the first 2 weeks that I the 2 nights I went to bed unprepared with a lack of pain meds in my system I woke up crying in pain, and that was all duing the first week.  I learnt that my hot water bottle was my best friend as it helped subdue the pain as it was mostly abdominal pain.

 

Currently I'm doing better and had a doctors appointment on Thursday where I was told the hematoma looks like it will take another 2 months to recover and I requested a medical letter putting me on light duties when returning to work the duration the hematoma for recovery.

 

The statement made at the last doctors appointment for the checkup.  Michele you know you can't have any biological children anymore, the procedure was irreversible.  I looked at him asking.  What would you have done.  A growth once means I'll be plagued with growth every few years, and I dont want to go through that again. And the Testosterone blocker Spiranolactine that I was using and at the dosage required by my body to stop the development of Testosterone in my body would put my kidneys and liver at risk of failure in the next year to three, by which time I would love to have done te GRS but in the unlikely event that I will struggle to get the GRS done then I safe myself the heartache of my organs failing.  He looked at me saying, you one of the few patients a doctor gets that know the pros and the cons of the procedures done.  And I wsh you all the luck.  We ended our discussion and I gave him te statistics of the quality of medical expertise versus the cost in South Africa versus Thailand.  3 to 5 times less experience and the quality but the expenses are 3 almost 4 times more expensive.

 

So have the best intentions of doctors that I personally selected. I like their service with a smile and knowing that each patient is an individual.

 

Love life.  Respect all.

 

Hugs.  Kisses

 

Cheers

Michele

Because of discussions on how Trans and the general LGBTI community gets treated in by medical staff, police, well government employees, hasn't made me think of this all that much. Because I've always been treated with a certain level of respect and dignity, which I always needed to earn or demand.

I'm also a government employee as you all know, so this shocked me when my group had to deal with a M2F that didn't pass. This poor teenaged girl was treated absurdly and persecuted even more so although she was arrested for drugs.

The law clearly states that the police arrest and the courts decide if anyone is guilty of the offense on all the evidence produced.

Okay, I only stepped in afterwards when I was told. By that time it was a joke to all the cis gendered persons outside by the holding cells. Because of safety, I had to ask a few no no questions, but I made it clear I'm also Trans and was only asking those questions too ensure her safety.

I was also sick that night, but made certain before going she was safe.

For some time the question on how LGBTI persons are supposed to be treated and handled when detained came up. Lucky for me the next day I had a group session where I raised the question. Because of the mixed answers, they all made it clear on what I needed to do...

I subsequently wrote a proposal letter to avail myself as the face for all things LGBTI in the police. And to teach the members through seminars what the correct way would be to deal with a person from the LGBTI community.

The only thing left for me to do is create a questionnaire (would most probably only be used on persons that definitely doesn't pass and those of us that are pre-ops. As those are the persons that will be effected the most when arrested. Those that pass and are post-ops will most likely not even disclose. Unfair, but the harsh reality of life and how easily we blend into cis normativity will count in our favor.

I truly hoped it would be different, but we also have bigotry between some that pass and others that don't. I'll be attempting to bring all to an equal playing field, but until this happens we are all part of an unjust society.

Much love to the few fighting for all our rights till everyone is equal.

Hi there all

 

I thought that my migraines would be a thing of the past seeing that it is testosterone related, but hey it the first I had in a few months.

 

The sensation of getting nauseous and disliking the way light makes my eyes and head feel is one thing I dont like.  It aggravates me to a degree that I would just want to punch a hole through a wall just to focus the pain on something else.

 

I know when my estrogen levels are higher with my intake it deminishes.  So I will definitely be talking to my endo about lifting the dose so that I can actually demish this sensation, seeing that after this operation it was dropped to 0.625mg to maintain my body.  Not mentioning what I am taking as I am not prescribing medication for anyone and this is lower then what the international doses are, and yes I also know that I shouldn't be comparing South Africa with any other country, but when it comes to administering certain medication, we are following a totally different set of rules.

 

Majority of the time I'm feeling better.  But the hematoma has gotten me down a few more times this week too.  Did I mention, that the surgeon told me initially after the first week after the surgery that the hematoma would disappear after about 6 weeks, and 9 days later when I went for a followup again, that it looks as though my recovery will take about 2 to 3 months.  What a bummer, right.  I was thinking that I would be good and running about by now.

 

Okay, seeing that I'm giving an update, here goes.  I can walk short distances and then I'm sore, which a long distances (endurance) walker doesnt want to hear right, precisely.  I gained 2Lbs in the first week, lost 6Lbs a week later, and then gained a pound the week after that only to go down and he pound I gained.  I know that this is due to the hormonal fluctuations caused by the operation, but now I'm wondering if this fluctuations aren't only effecting my weight, capabilities to eat and also possibly this onset of the migraine.

 

The reason I started the blog was to check how my mood and everything would change.

 

Talking about my mood changing, I've come to find a difference in the way I handle stressful situations.  Normally where I go through the sensation of wanting to smash, meaning punch things when I'm angry, I release it through tears.  Yes, I've become a cry baby of sorts.  But I still tackle things head on first.

 

But if I didn't mentally change throughout this hormonal fluctuations in my body, as the chemistry in my brains are normalizing I wouldnt be human to start with right.

 

So be prepared for changes and keep holding on.  We are all strong individuals, and we should all learn how to be vulnerable as well as the heroes we might be to others.  Because being strong doesn't mean we dont have weaknesses, it just means we have learnt how to deal with those weaknesses that were flung unto us.

 

Stay strong, be beautiful.  And above all, what does aphrodisiac beauty mean, as I've been told I am that, any good explanation please, as I dont see myself as a knockout beauty queen.

 

Cheers for now

Michele

Hi all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not that many days have past since I gave my last update.

 

Being doing the fitness boot camp as I said, and on Thursday got certificates for attendance.  Wasn't weird that completed it, but then I got the best improved on burpees, lol that was hilarious.  Sat there and thought it was over and here I get called up for another thing.

 

Well, I had on this confused face and all.  Got up and went in because I somehow without knowing it became a couch as well.  And my surprise is, there were people that have been part of the fitness group for months longer then myself and they still just there.

 

I know the dumbstruck look doesnt become me, and I should've reacted with a smile, so I went in for a pose to stay, biatches I did it.

 

What astounds me is the fact it all happened so fast and now my arms are more toned.  By biceps aren't making bulges when relaxed, but I got this girly amount of upper arms.  My abs are also feeling tighter, but not as tight as it was before.  My legs are the same and lucky for me, not sticks.

 

Emotionally I'm definitely doing better, seeing that all the dates I despise are gone now.  Still miss my rock (dad) to bits and pieces.  Still avoiding the scolding eyes and voice of my mom, who decided she needs to try and call me to wish me.  Madam you know better then that.

 

I could also see that my oldest sister felt like crap for not being invited to my younger sister's 40th birthday party.  Do I care that I wasn't invited, not the least.  Seeing that she is part of the entourage that doesn't want me to transition at all and that include the other Ice Queen (mother) and her followers my sister and brother in the center.  My brother is trying to accept it, but only because his wife and in laws are giving him crap about it.  And probably when he tells me danger, I'm the first to appear at his doorstep.  Or it might be my personality.  Then my mom is the youngest from her siblings, and constantly get chowed by her sisters, seeing that her gay brother is gone and they somehow had to learn understanding as children, but is it because I'm defiant, well I don't care that much as I cut myself off when she couldn't handle comforting me when she sneaked in and perused my diary to find out I tried to fight off an attacker (well there is always someone stronger then you) that raped and tried to kill me on my 16th birthday.  Yes, 20 years back and the only thing she could think of was to ground me.  As if I listened and continued on my merry way. (Pity definitely not wanted, it was 20 years ago and I can't think of how I'd be if that never happened.  Yes funny how and ordeal can change a persons perspective on life, or just enhance it that you feel even more obligated to believe in your beliefs, and stand for what you always stood.

 

I regret not starting earlier, because my doctors weren't as helpful as they could be, even though my ex GP confessed that he knew ever since I came there for my first checkup as a teenager.  But he didn't feel it was his place, because my mother is so conservative and seeing that she is his patient, which almost stung.  But hey I could see her supporter group growing, and mine dwindling until I stepped out and said F(bleeeeeeeeeeeeep)ck my world and the pricks living in it, because I'm part of the trans movement.  I'm a strong woman as my dad would see me.

 

Now, my strength can't be taken away from me, because I'm the ruler of my domain.

 

I need to run and cut this short, seeing that I have a meeting.  Yes, it's with a guy, and no!!! It's not a romantic date.

 

Cheer for now.

Michele

 

PS. Some pics of me dying my hair, 2 with lip gloss and without.  Enjoy

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Hi there everyone

 

Its not about being optimistic or pessimistic, it about the way my smile and looks are putting me in hot water at times.

 

I've come to realize that some of my male friends are now also hitting on me, because I've got a perky happy face 90% of the time if not more.  Now they are becoming like horny dogs after my ass too.  Is this a culmination of my smile, facial expression, ass and boobs or just men being like a pack of horny dogs in heat season???

 

With the unknown factor, the unknown men...  That will offer me gifts at an intersection I had to stop.  Start talking to me and saying how much they love me, while just seeing me walking down the street and smiling at them.

 

Should my smile or body freak me out, because I'm not opening myself up to all these horny bugger's.  Or should I embrace the power it gives over men and women in the open field of life.

 

I've decided that flirtation with a beautiful soul, okay sometimes a gorgeous hunk is all that I need to continue with my perfect smile.but therein lies the fault, not all hunks have beautiful souls.

 

So do I smile and get all the beauty that comes with it, or do I think of all horny screwed up persons that bring along flustered situations???

 

Now let me say this, I won't give up smiling and letting my soul trickle through for everyone to see, buy I'm also not incapable of switching to my dragon face that bites off unwanted attention in a flash.

 

Remember, be safe out there.  Walk in pairs and tell a friend where you are gong if you are going alone.  Oh and I should learn to practice what I preach.

 

Hugs

Michele

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Hi everyone

 

Let me say this.  Ouch is literally currently happening to me.  I got this sharp pain yesterday in my abdominal region and this morning it extended it's range to my crotch area.  So ouch stand for pain and bleeding, that I think I can handle till later, but will definitely go to the doc tomorrow.  Okay, I'm also guessing that I'm postponing getting medical attention so I can possibly get the results I desire.

 

What I can say is, don't do what I do, because it can result in a dangerous zone of life.  So I'm hoping it doesn't effect me so much that I can't move tomorrow.

 

When I finally learn to be afraid I can most probably learn the vulnerability of the rest of humanity.  Have I mentioned that I got a repeated dream during the week where I inadvertently got kidnapped, not because I couldn't fight the men, but them pointing the kids with firearms and I couldn't stand for them being injured all because of me.  On the better side, in the dreams just before waking up I always got my GRS and the last 2 got saved by a man I respect and yes the kids that were with me before the kidnappings, one of whom was his oldest boy.

 

So this was my week, dreams with a hint of nightmare and this pain-distention-bleeding and I'm truly just me the one you can say is doing it the way I should.

 

Cheers for tonight.

Be free and allow the world to love you the way we deserve to be loved

 

Hugs

Michele

Hi all

 

Yesterday Monday 2016-06-13 at between 02:45 and 03:00 another police officer friend of mine was gunned down.  I know that some of you will be telling me to look after myself and be safe outside, but then I can think of this to say, if it is my time to die, no matter what I do and where I go, I will die.  So I prefer to face everything head on so I know, I went out the way I lived and believed in, my way.

 

Yesterday's guy was on police college with me and at the interim police station before college.  So we grew close and hugged as a greeting and made as if we kissed to freak the hell out of people sometimes.  He was a soft soul, that I respected, adored, would protect with my life, and could trust with my life.  He was one of those police members that almost never lost his temper, and would do what it takes and usually went above and beyond the call of duty.

 

What saddened me was that I went to take keys to the scene 6 almost 7 hours later and unbeknown to me he was still lying on the ground where they gunned him down.  Something in me told me not to go closer and just leave the key with one of the seniors and went back to the station.  When I drove by another 6 to 7 hours later they were still busy with the scene and only 2 and half three hours prior to that removed his body from the scene and he laid there for 10-11 hours before they were allowed to move him.

 

As I'm typing this to commemorate the life of a friend Mthetho Sandla, my tears are welling up, as I will never get to hold him in my arms, smell him, see him in front of me, or laugh with him.

 

Okay in all the good he did, I should probably say this, mention one thing where you could see how much I cared for him.  Last year while I was still on the shift, I was called in by the ladies on my shift, because Mthetho was in a predicament and being arrested for drunken driving with a traffic officer.  I got to the station, asked if I may speak to him, and asked how he was doing?  He just laughed and said he is alright.  I asked why and how he was arrested?  He had some drinks and his fiance instructed him to fetch her, even after he told her that he had something to drink and don't want to drive.  She became insistent and forced him to fetch her, where he was pulled off in the area and got arrested.  I went inside to ask the Warrant Officer whom was writing the books to sort him out, because he can't go in the sells where he has arrested so many people before.  The Captain of my shift was out and when he heard about it he also came in and heard me begging for Mthetho's safety.  When the Warrant insisted he could do nothing, I told him to if he can't do something, I will and I won't go out until this is sorted out.  (In South Africa if a government official was locked up for drunken driving we are allowed to give them a free bail and warn them to appear in court the first court date that comes after that, but certain police, traffic, metro will let that person lie in the sells because they aren't nice.  I'm not saying that police will be released when they committed murder, rape or anything like that.  But had a glass or two too many.)  I processed him like any other criminal and he was laughing all the way, telling me that as a student I was always the suspect and always got inked up, it only seems fair that he feels how it feels to be inked up.  The charging was done and I wrote out the police bail for him and my Captain signed because no one else wanted to, and my rank wasn't high enough at the time, but I was willing to take the punch for a person I knew wouldn't ever be locked up for committing a robbery, murder or rape.  He was looking for his car keys and told me to give to him as he sobered up enough to be under limit.  I told him, I charged you, I released you, and I love and respect you to much to let you drive home, because I can tell him with all honesty that the traffic were informed where you living and are covering all routes there.  I will either go home after my shift ends unless he promises to stay home on our friendship, and for the first time in his life he allowed me to drive the vehicle home, where I parked it and he went inside.  Yes, I kept the key in case his fiance called again, as I knew he needed to sleep and handed the keys over to her during the day.

 

I know this sounds like I got the back of my friends, but if I know they don't drive like that and it was because they were forced, I will help them.  And I believe that no peace officer (traffic, metro, correctional, police, ens) should be placed in a sell where they might just end up with the person they arrested or could be killed in there, so I have a soft spot for all people.  And when I know that they aren't a threat or I know where and how to find them.  So I didn't just do this for a friend, but a guy that was nice when he didn't notice he knew me, and the previous times he saw me he was reprimanding me for nothing.  After that he said he will never be that way again... I haven't checked if he remembered me, but should.  When someone at work said but they can't release him because they can't verify anything of him.  I came forth and said, he works there, he asked me how I knew, and I told him he was shouting at me when he saw me the first time and subsequently seemed to dislike.  He said, he never actually looked who it was, when I described my car to him, he remembered the incident well and that was that.

 

Mthetho, in all the years I've known you (beginning of January 2005, 10th of Jan we went to college), you never disrespected me, showed me the caring and loving side of you.  I can't forget you, and I love how you were a part of my life and made it that much richer.  Don't worry about the tears in my eyes babez, it isn't just tears of sadness, but tears sent into the universe to spread the news that an angel has been set free to grace the world of his mercy as God would want it to be.  And don't think that it will get easier, I will just learn how to deal with the sorrow and the pain.  Mthetho say hello to Luntu, and my father from me.  Even though I know they are reading this message with you as I am saying.

 

Lots of LOVE, RESPECT AND ADORATION FOR A FRIEND I CAN'T AND WON'T REPLACE, BOTH YOU AND LUNTU ARE ON MY MIND.'

 

Daddy I still speak of you to people, miss you too.  Love you so much.

 

I think I typed more the enough to remember Mthetho.

 

Luntu, I will never forget us sharing smileys, we had a lot a food we shared.  You told me I'm black on the inside and white on the outside.  I remember how I got beaten in a fight and you also couldn't handle the guy, but the blows you guys gave made me fly, and in the end it took both of us to get the suspect under control, and it was the first time you saw that I am human and capable of being beaten.

 

Lots of Love, Hugs and Kisses

Michele

Hello all

 

Got a weird question albeit normal question the other day.

 

I was asked out of the blue by one of the officers at work, "Will you be capable of answering a question when the new station commander asks you about your dress code?  And have you changed it at work?"

 

The it is, my gender specifics and the dress code for male and female police members are slightly different at work.  Answering this officer, I clearly stated that the workplace were informed and some of my medical certificates are on record at work, that's why I obtained a female bulletproof or why would I have gotten that and be placed in the female side of a barracks when going on a course.  I said some part in my head, then vocalized that I was born intersexed and that make me capable of deciding if I'm female or male as I got both genders, what now...

 

I got a weird look, and commented further that a friend whom is Maj General and the head of legal services in the police was approached and informed of my steps that I was going to take and for her to start looking at the laws of South Africa to safeguard herself, otherwise this will have repercussions and reach her office too.  Suddenly he walked away, because now his rank isn't just inferior, but somewhere in the middle of myself and a friend.

 

2 days passed and I got asked if I saw the page on his table.  It didn't bother me as it wasn't my desk.  She read out loud a section he wrote about me. (See attachments)

 

Come after me as much as you want, because this will only strengthen me as I grow and safeguard all others to follow.  Meaning I do their fighting for them preemptively.  I was far from done when it came to fighting for LGBTIQ&Others.  Have about 20 odd years to go before it's time for me to go on retirement as it is frowned upon to work more then 30 years in the police here.

 

Thinking that people still want to crucify people for being different to them is awful.  If this is his point of view, ooooh I got some sins he has done.  By his own account, and that doesn't scare me to take him on.

 

I'm not livingin th stone ages, and he'll js have to get over it, or dron in his own sins and leave me alone.  One more person to beat the crap out of.  And in the endi am gong to g for gold, hit him wher it will hurt the most, his wallet.  What that is the only way to make a bigot learn to stay on the right side of the law.

 

Hope you all are havig a good time, and are safe.  After all a pest like me never goes down without a fight..

 

Hus and kisses

Michele

 

 

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Hi there all

 

I know that I am attempting to be online at the very least once a week.

 

This Sunday I have the sensation that I need to talk about the past week.  Yes, I know I ventured into it.  But the avenues that I haven't entered were a few more than the pooptis I was talking about earlier.  But as a recourse I think I need to vocalize and read what I know and what I can do.

 

First thing first.  I was told by my overall commander that I must drag him to court, and this time not just demand that he leave the police, but go after his pension.  Of which I'm not comfortable to do.  But she called him in and informed him what the law states including what legal services stated.  She became the protective mother and informing him that she would work him out of the police before he can end his next 2 years before going on pension.

 

Court cases are a drag...  A real drag.

 

Legally the police needs to implement what the constitution states.  And only looking at one of the South African Constitutional Acts - Act 18.  Where it already states that no discrimination is allowed.  No matter if it is sexuality, gender or a combination of the 2.  No employer or supervisor has the right to discriminate against you because of this.  You have your freedom of expression, identification and this makes for independently individual persons.  Yes I also know, that it doesn't just take for acts in the Constitution or other law books for something to be implemented, but it is a start and it tells you the grounds you have to stand on.

 

This week, I'll make an appointment with the EHW (psychological or interpersonal assistance group in the police), and legal services.  Just to see if they would want to take up where I in this instance don't want to.  And in return if they do the fight, I'll just do the talks and see if I get pulled in for the assistance that other LGBTIQA, yes and others.  Well, I like that the description for persons have grown, but I'm beginning to become confused here in the sequence.  Okay, I also know that in the sequence once you associate with a group that one automatically moves to the front for you, but when you type it out, you always start with the sexual orientation.  Yes, I fall under the gender descriptive.

 

I think I just need to internalize this to see if I have fight left for this man or if I don't.  I definitely have fight left.  I just fear that this will destroy a career of almost 30 years and put me in the limelight of fighting superiors.  I don't have a problem being in that spotlight, but if it is for fighter of equality.  Then yes, that is all I want, everyone to be equal.  But how will this effect my career.  Will it fast track, normal pace (this is already a slow track for today's terms), or get slow tracked because I have targeted seniors that are discriminatory.  Yes, I am looking at the recourse's that others will have against me because I am attacking their friend for equality.

 

Not only does me fighting back place my career in a snare that could catapult me on anything from a fast track to non existent career enhancement track.  But it could also effect my friends and person's of interest (family) or lover.  Now can I do this to people I care about or does 2 years of an idiot sound like a walk in the park.  I just don't want to end up in hospital for mentally breaking down.  I know, nobody is strong enough to cope with life's dealing, and everyone needs that energy boost to continue.

 

So now I'm thinking.  Will this be what they can handle.  Because if they are going to be in sight of the attacks, I most definitely will start fighting with other rules a lady doesn't look at.  I'll still keep within the framework of the law, but I will be hitting below the belt till it bleeds and I am certain I made his favorite friend infertile, and hopefully also effected the capabilities of hoisting a pole because I was the storm that smashed it into pieces.

 

So my thinking cap is on and I know I can't let him do this to me.  So, clean fight, till he fights dirty and then I go legal dirty like rolling in the mud, not hiding razors in the mud.

 

So as I'm saying goodbye, it feels to me that I am going to take on this fight with a degree of hesitation.  I'm not the bitch they making me out to be, I'm not the bitch.  But I can become the bitch in the fight when required.

 

This thinking is exhausting me mentally as I need to think of the approach and which line of defense I am taking, then which alternatives are in play to counter any attacks he might throw my way.

 

Hugs, Kisses, and cheers

Michele

 

Ps. Any view point other then mine would be appreciated. 

 

Pss.  I also know, if I don't fight back, then someone with no ability to fight back might be caught in the firing line and I will in the end have to come to that persons rescue, so why not just jump in already and stop it before it can continue.

 

 

Michele out.

 

Psss.  Checking my tablet out, that was keeping online.  This laptop scenario isn't what I had in mind.

Hi everyone, hope you guys have been well with me not here and that some soul who needed it was helped.

 

Let me see how the story format go and here is the last few weeks with the biopsy and how I was doing for the time till now.

 

Ooooh, my sister got her car back today, so I should probably have my car serviced

 

Biopsy Done & Dusted

 

Feelings While Unknown

Date: 2016-08-16

 

I was taken in and first weight, making me feel uncomfortable at the thought that someone else is seeing my weight and if I gained weight and I didn’t know about it, what can I say.  Also feeling more like I should eat, but yes fasting doesn’t work that much for me the foodie.

 

Nurses at this hospital which is open less than a year or around that time, are professional and full of smiles.  The one sees my lip gloss on and thinks it’s a lipstick.  Not at all and here they all start doing their faces, because apparently I can’t be the only person that is looking good at the hospital.

 

Fear strikes me more as hunger makes me think of all the crap that can go wrong.  First thing first, what if this is positive and I am told chemo, well we found something else.  Or the weirdest one of all, what the..................................................  and total silence.

 

I went with thought into my gown and thought that if I don’t calm down as in now, my stats might make me wait longer to have the operation done to remove this lump.  So I calmed down by watching tv, chatting to everyone around me and then the inevitable happened my surgery schedule was announced as changed.  Thinking what is wrong, as I was told, I realize that they were discussing that the child had eaten and needed to wait a few more minutes which made me think that I am closer to food if and when this happen so don’t look nervous or anything.

 

Went into the surgery theatre and was told the painful part was over and I asked what the doc was talking about only to find that he already had the drip on my arm.  Hahahahahahaaaaa, I don’t feel needles unless the idiot that does the drip line isn’t good at it, I will feel the needle as I look at them.  And asleep I am....

 

Woke up a while later, the first thing I do is take of the hair net, and make my hair right, second thing I do that was astounding was with a smile I asked if I can eat now, I’ve been waiting on food for the whole day already.  The medical staff just laughed and started chatting to me as they told me that I am still on the surgery floor, not back on the ward floor.  Somehow it was weird that I woke up with a smile and was perky.

 

Relief

Feeling relief that you know the thing is out that was making you sick and now the stressful part starts waiting on biopsies and getting in the doctor’s office for the follow up.  But relieved that the operation was a success and I would only be in pain from the surgery wound and nothing else.  Hoping for the blue moon and the sparkling oceans to stay calm too.

 

Date: 2016-08-22

 

Enter the doc’s office and I know what is going to happen, take off your clothes and let me examine you.  Therefore I dressed accordingly to make it easier to strip, yes like a strip dancer.

 

Does his examination as we do the pleasantries as to make me feel less uncomfortable to having a man next to me while naked.   And in the conversation he says, wound looks good and results negative.

 

What did you just say???  No Chemotherapy for me, and no hair loss, and no losing weight and explaining that I am sick and treating cancer.

 

Go home with a smile on my face and finding a doc I can trust in the mean time, okay so not all men are pigs as doctors.

 

Lots of love and hugs to boot from me.  Because little old confused me was kissed and I think I forgot how to kiss back, but after the initial shock I just let it happen and this was as in last night.  I’m getting to old for this crap, but I should probably allow a younger guy to show me what he got or not.  I can almost call myself A-sexual or anti sexual to the world.

 

Michele

 

Ps:  I was told on Wednesday 2016-08-24 that I am a model standing outside with a friend and this cute guy walks by.  Ooooh validating isn’t it, if his eyes is only fixed on me and not my friend.  And Thursday 2016-08-25 that another guy stopped me to chat with me and just blurted out for which modelling agency you working because you belong in the high fashion magazines and cat walks of fashion shows. I just laughed and said that I love the work that I do, but thank you for the complement.

Good evening all

 

Yes a retrospective look at what is what...

 

Why so many transgender or gender non-confirming persons are to denied the passing as the gender they have always known themselves to be is the hardest to understand.  It comes with the fact that some families would rather deal with a sibling or child as being heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual, but bring up the transgender or transsexual word and everyone freaks out.

 

So in retrospect, I was thinking of the time I was trying to fit into a norm that families would make us to believe are better then being true to oneself.  I've even given me time frames to get to grips with when my family would accept it and if they couldn't I would be fine as living my life as a gay man.  Who could believe that I was actually worried about what they were thinking, because at the end, the love, appreciation and understanding that I have for myself is of a greater importance to me then what acceptance is from other persons.  And the only point I'm focused on at the moment is that of GRS and not worrying what they have to say about myself, as the person I had to be to be accepted at a small level was not the person I wanted to ever be.

 

After much consideration, I never ran away because I couldn't bare that I would leave behind the 3 most important persons in my life, my departed father, oldest sister and that of not my oldest, but time youngest niece, now my 2nd brother's oldest daughter.  Well, the thought of disappearing and going ahead with the transition early was always on my mind...  And the scolding eyes of my mother that always tells me I'm in the wrong and that I should just be what she wants me to be, then I would've had to marry and have children in hopefully that way, because if that is what they desired that is normally what they got.  But growing a pair and understanding that my happiness needs to be placed first and others would see that the other me was just a front and  that person had no personality or soul, just an empty shell that roamed the earth because that was what was expected of that person.

 

What I can say about faking being CIS and gay is this, being soulless and not actually caring about what happened to you in the world is a real threat.  Because it left me to be reckless in almost everything.  From drinking and driving, I guess was in the hope that I would be in an accident and caught in a burning vehicle to be burnt to death to an unidentifiable corpse.  Well, I'm glad that I never actually got to that point, because then I wouldn't have known what it is to be open about being me.  And yes, I know that it is part of my facebook introduction so that those that send friend request should know I gave them a dis-closer of who and what I am.

 

Why am was thinking about this during the day, I really don't know, but the fact is.  We all have some times thought this, why did I first have to do this so that the community and my family could accept me, but in truth you never accepted yourself for who and what you were.  So the first step to being happy about the person you have become, is thinking about if everything is as you would have done it, or are you at least at a spot in life where you can be happy to continue.

 

I reached my happy spot.  And if my mother pees on my batteries, I take a step back and tell her, I can stop with what I am doing, but just know this and understand this fact.  The likelihood that I will commit suicide is so much bigger, because I've never been happy as the person you wanted me to be, I'm not that person you think I am, I am Michele yes, not the Michel you wanted me to be, because I am an individual.  And this individual is transgender.  Without my brain being aligned with my hormonal structure I can not function and I am planning on aligning my body to the rest of my body because that is what I've always wanted, and I know you know that I've always voiced my beliefs and how I felt as a child, because I can remember telling you back then, and you saying that it must only be a phase.  What kind of phase last 36 years mother, what kind of torture do you want me to live through.  If you were as much invested in me as your son you almost died with at birth, or the daughter that came after him, you might've understood me.  Yes, I also know that you wanted a daughter before my birth and my body tried to fool you, but you surgically had my happy space removed to leave me with a body that I can't stand looking at.  A body that makes me so uncomfortable I can't find myself to love my body and that is placing strain on me and relationships because I feel like I am not worthy of being loved because I can't love myself...  Yes make me stop HRT, and the next call you might get is to say that I died, and think of it this way, you were the cause that an empty vessel left this house and was broken, not killed, because that is exactly what you request did, it killed me.  Not the bullet through my head, or knife through my heart, but that inadvertent disregard to have me live my life and be who I was meant to be.  Me, Myself, I, Michele Joey Heynes.  The daughter you wanted before birth and had killed.

 

Somehow this seems morbid at times, but then I realize that my mother, can't stand being the cause of that, and she just says let it be.

 

XOXOXOXO

Michele

Good day all

 

Okay, don't be all flustered and think that it changed my attitude to the world, it didn't, I'm just pointing out what I did, and somehow I am still getting people following me and hitting on me.  What I did I don't actually know.  But this is the steps that I took.  Maybe it was a form of liberation, but it was definitely a way to say, look at me and be certain that I am human and not going anywhere.

 

In a recent Facebook entry I made I wrote:

 

My bio

* 36 years old

* police official with sergeant rank

* from South Africa, born and raised as a Capetonian, and lived for a while in Johannesburg before moving back

* 1.74m (5'8&1/4") tall

* 64kg (145Lbs)

* naturally dark brown hair, but currently dyed

* love; cars, sushi, pizza, salads, firearms (actually weapons), sleep, fighting styles (martial arts, boxing, kick boxing)

* no children, but also not planning on any in my near future

* Gender: transgender female (even if I'm intersex, just my gender identity still)

* Sexuality: Multiple classification (A-sexual and to a degree hetero sexual)

* marital : not married, and never planning to take that step.;=

* friends: usually close knit, and mixture between male and female

life goals : career and gender equality and understanding (transgender rights - activism), writing

 

This is but a small part of me and the rest I normally open up with as time goes by.  I hate dishonesty, but I know a white lie has its place and time.

 

Whomever has a problem with me being so frank about myself, they can up and delete themselves.

 

Oh, if I don't request to see you naked, it is clear I don't want to see you naked.  And my facebook is for the facilitation of platonic relationships, and that does mean that other things can come, but platonic it will be unless mutually agreed upon for something else.

 

I don't say, fear me, as I am human.  But I also don't say try to take me for a fool, because I will know and when I let the steam out to warn you enough is enough you definitely won't like me.  As nails, teeth, fangs (I've been asked if I had them put in to look like a vampire at times), fist, open hand, feet, knees, elbows, thighs, oh just my whole body will be used to throw that train off its tracks into a raging ocean.

 

My love for cars, doesn't mean I need to drive a V8 Ford Mustang, V10 Audi R8, Mercedes AMG (so many to choose C63 AMG would do).  So I drive what fits my personality and pocket, even if it doesn't look like a vehicle someone else would buy, don't try and influence me, you not my father who knew my likes and dislikes more, and also knew that I'm more of a head then heart purchaser.

 

Wheat I don in life I do to make me proud and that of what my father instilled in me.  To be true to myself, as I know he is watching his baby's every move.

 

This will upset some that I'm open about myself, but that clearly doesn't put others in my shoes, as mine is a unique size 6 just for me.

 

Ps.  I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT PEOPLE READ BIO's BEFORE SENDING REQUEST.  NOW THIS IS A POST INTRODUCTION, SEEING THAT SOME NEGLECTED TO ACTUALLY READ IT IF THEY HAVEN'T KNOWN THIS ABOUT ME.

 

In one I got 66 likes, and 42 positive answers, the other 30 likes and 3 comments that were positive.  I'm definitely not saying that any of you should be as blunt as me, because, I know that I am unique with similar experiences at different times, or just totally different experiences emphasizing my uniqueness.  But seeing that I'm not looking for a  relationship that is more then platonic, I thought this was a way to let the people around me understand that this is me, and gave them enough time to think about what I said and delete themselves from my profile.  I definitely don't have a problem facing the war head on, because that means the understanding of who we are, are just that much easier.  And coming from a person that isn't a high profile it amounts to a lot.  With that said, my profile increased with over 2000 people in the last 3 weeks, making me feel like it is the best time to start taking on the world on my profile to make them understand the truth.  I just haven't figured out how to properly introduce it to them, but I went to a 16 days of activism, which was directed more to the women and children, somehow the bullying part came in and they noticed that I'm not absentminded or even afraid, and I mentioned that I was bullied by my commander for being transgender, but they also knew that I am in the police as I was introduced on my rank.  I showed that I had to overcome adversity by striking back in the best way I knew how and the only way that the bully would stop, and they looked at me asking how someone that's in the police can be bullied is just wrong.  I had to say, bullies are everywhere, but I knew that my bully whom was much shorter and skinnier then myself was my bully.  And you would see that they take on strong people that doesn't like to react, because in this case she was trying to get me to physically assault her to work me out of the police.  Which I didn't fall for, so I hit her where it hurts the most, her pocket.

 

I wish you all a splendid week and yes, I am back at work and loving some of the time.  Others I just want to stink bomb some offices.  If I don't write something closer to Christmas, I wish you all a happy festive season, and love yourself, because that is the biggest gift you can give yourself, because not even GRS, HRT or any of the other surgeries are going to make you appreciate and love you, if you don't do it for yourself.  I might make you feel closer to human then what you are feeling, but it will never make you feel complete.

 

 

Love and Hugs

Michele

 

Why tears.  Well I've always been an emotionally strong woman.  Yes, strong as in vocalizing what I think and how I do thigs, as well as not needing a Knight to save me I can save him too...  I'm a fighter after all.

 

Well in the last month I've been disciplined for not informing my commander about a lone child on street late at night!  I asked if that wasn't part and parcel of my work to serve and protect, and if so.  Give me a written instruction stating I should leave a defenseless five year olds on the street at 22:00 or anytime when I find a small child unsupervised.  Disciplinary actions immediately stopped as no commander wants to be held responsible as the person who instructed members under them to disregard the safety of their community let alone that of children.  But yes, that was in an emotional state of, I love children and no one is going to stop me when it comes to the future grown ups, because without them who are going to ensure our safety.

 

Now for my tears...

 

I got angered by family and friends, and my realization has come that only persons I have allocated a space in my heart can bring me to tears.  So some apparent reason this has always eluded me.  I'm hard, but soft to the touch, easy to look at and a major pain in the butt if need to bring my point over.

 

I've also found that children and animals are a sore point for me when mistreated.  Even though I despised my moms dog for wanting to kill my Labrador and almost succeeding and biting me before I went into fighting mode.  But that was self preservation on my part, I couldn't bring myself to say I'll miss him as he was euthanized, but started sobbing over Mike the Labrador who passed on years ago.

 

Does this make me emotionally stinted, as I can't comfort someone close to me in grieving.  I know I can blame my brother who didn't even allow me to grieve after my father's passing, which ended with my foot in a demanding priests face, as he tried to take something from me.  

 

But silent tears still flowed when the missing gets to much.  Tears flowing when I'm angry is even worse because that means I want to punch someone., but those also only flows if I care about the person, but I don't want to see or hear from them till I'm ready for that person.

 

The one most of us hate would be tears that makes us revert to wanting to bobe alone.  At that time to many emotions are attacking me just want to be alone.

 

Today's was that I wanted to release some anger I'm feeling towards a friend for calling me dumb when I couldnt find a him or the place we were going to.  GPS didn't work either, nor the number of the place.  Well I'm done with bitching for a bit, let me get ready for Eid as I have Muslim family and friends.  Eid Mubarak to all, and have a blessed and heart felt day.

 

Michele is out......

The police haven't sent me on training in while, and here its for the newest entry at work.

So having had training in Shotguns, R5 Assault Rifles, RAP401 and Piettro Beretta Mod92 9mm Pistols a decade back, was like funny to for me the only girl with the hard ass guys I work with and some men I can sneeze over. 5 minutes later firearm training over, I know my firearm, so off to the shooting range. Why didn't you train the other stations people. This guy looks like he is afraid in front of me, well let me show him how it's done. 5 minutes later he is still struggling yo release the slide, how bad can he be. Can't wait to stand and shoot though.

At the station prior to leaving the 2nd hands as I like to call them are a click that makes almost everybody believe they are the best, and before I or we (my group) get in a fight with them, lets just go in my car and drive the 80mile round trip.

On the shooting range from the right to the left, the first 5 persons were the best of the best. The only girl in the mix, so Queen again. So after the first squeeze I realized this pistol isn't just lighter, but everything on it is lighter except for the new magazine that was still stiff.

Being considered one of the guys that stands my ground in the face of danger. I sometimes wonder if I would've been accepted or an outcast if I couldn't shoot, fight or stand my ground. Yes, with certain guys the option of me driving are always open, with others I am the driver no matter what, because they can't drivr. The joke with the driving is, I drive a Chevrolet Spark 1.2L stick shift, and the vehicles at work are one tonners trucks or sometimes bigger, and very rarely smaller, but everything is at least 3ft longer.

In cars I pick something that doesn't seem like I stole my dad's car and fits my personality. But seeing as I'm talking about firearms, I prefer a weapon that is comfortable to carry and shoot one handed too.

Lastly, I don't believe a firearm yo be the first line of defense. I also know that when I draw my weapon it is in all likelihood going to be used, because it is my last option to protect myself and those lives around or with me. A weapon, be it a firearm, knife, sword, baton, or any form should only be used or carried when you feel comfortable the training you were given can be executed without a fault, and all consequences of you using that said weapon to inflict the minimum of damages to stop the said attacker. Because going around and thinking you indestructible because you were trained at using it, is the worst mentality you can have. Yes, be confident, know your strength and weaknesses with the weapon or your body. AND LASTLY REMEMBER TO BE SAFE, BECAUSE THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMEONE BETTER THAN YOU, IF IT IS BECAUSE OF FOCUS OR ABILITY. WEAPONS ARE NOT TOYS, BUT AN EXTENSION OF YOUR HAND AND CAPABILITIES IN A FIGHT.

Okay, all I wanted to do was gloat that I passed. But I did it all while ensuring my safety and that of those around me. And I still looked feminine and adorable. Doesn't mean I like guy stuff I jave to look like them, I'm a girl by nature that doesn't like taking crap from anybody.

Well, each year this time I'm faced with the same feelings and emotions, that got amplified after my father passed away.

February strikes, everything seems fine, and as the nears the last week emotions run wild, literally and figuratively.

Okay, my birthday and I have never seen eye to eye. Yes, I know it's just a day, but somehow it manages to find a way to screw me over.

This years isn't so big, but I can't find a place with available space, so romantic weekend away is spoilt.

To understand my avoidance with planning or being out on this day should be explained with these 3 examples.

1 and 2 days that were important to me, were destroyed with the most important person not being there for me. My crown birthday and 21st. My dad had the privilege of being at all his childrens except me, not even 1 of them. I was forced to have a 21st and each and every attempt to escape I broke something. So no luck.

Then a day with a 3 in 1. No pity required as I found out my will to live was greater than expected. My 16th birthday was filled with fights and me just wanting to cry. Yes, this fighter knows the value of crying. From that it changed into a knife being squeezed against my throat so I would resist the urge to fight as I was robbed and minutes later a firearm being pointed at me to rob me once again. A few hours later, getting stopped by an old man trying to persuade me to get into his car, turning into a fight, changing to a car speeding towards me and knocking me temporarily out. This guy raped me and while busy I came to. He tried to strangle and kill me but the fighter in me took over and the anniversary is here again. Now, I rarely think of it, because I survived and I fought to keep my life.

Now pity isn't and will never be wanted. It happened and it's a part of me, I admire for my survival instincts, and hate because it's supposed to be me day. It also made me a better police officer to handle rape victims. And I hate people that fake being raped.

Now every year something happens to make it memorable, but for a negative reason.

I can only say 2 days were fun. 1 I got my driver's license on my 18th birthday, and I was used as a body chocolate and whip cream platter on my 30th and the beginning felt like rape.

Conclusion for me and my birthday is. Stay away, it's just trouble.

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