Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
  • entries
  • comments
  • views

About this blog

What popped into my head

Entries in this blog

Okay, on day one I was exhausted and still went to the gym.


This week I managed to go to the gym 3 days with my friend.  One I couldn't go because I had to attend to a work function.


What I noticed on Wednesday was.  Meeting day is a crappy day to be at the station.  I should thank the heavens that I wasn't put in charge of typing the minutes as well.  I hate doing minutes.


I had to sit in some meeting that was super boring.  And another where I call it a crap out parade.  Shame this one Captain just seems to not be in the good books at all.


On a brighter note.  My Colonel is back, after having a triple bypass and I would have told him to stay at home seeing that the wounds have not as yet all healed, and he developed some infections.  But how can you tell a workaholic to stay away from work, if that is one of the things that is making him sick and depressed.  So when he says I must drive him somewhere, I just get a vehicle and drive him.


I think he is more open about things with me as I am open about myself with him.  After he was informed that I dated, he initially jumped to a time I dated someone around the corner from his house, whom was also in the police at that time and abusive.  I should be glad that I didn't tell him that ex is in jail now, or he would've blown a gasket.  In that breakup I need the protection of my Colonel to make certain that that guy stay away from me.  He showed how protective he can be over me and then his friend the commander of that person also had to intervene, because I didn't realize I was dating a psycho, until he became abusive to the extent of punching me a few times and going for a firearm to quiet me up, because no amount of hitting me can make me go quiet.  Actually I defended myself, but couldn't get to my phone for help to arrive.  I should say, fortunately for me, I had my firearm on me that day, or things would've been different.  What I mean by that, I would've been shot, if I didn't have my unique place of pointing a firearm to make any CIS or Transgender Male drop their weapons in fear of losing their little guy.  I walked out and as I drove off that day I called to say, don't bother calling me or trying to see me, no person threatens my life or hits me to return into my life without being an arrested suspect.


Long story short, I need to run.  Just got an urgent call.  Will continue on this later.

Hi there all.


How do I start this...


I grew up asking questions and I mean this question has been asked even before I was 4 years old.


The question in question is, "What did you let the doctors do to me as a baby?"


Well the answer back then was, circumcision, and distended testicles.  And another answer was, circumcision (which I never doubted for a second) and intertwined testicles.  Okay the reason I asked as a child was because I felt like I wasn't in the right body, and I could notice that something was done on me even though the scars weren't visible anymore.


The same question was asked when I was 9 years old, because I started my periods, and everything was normal except for the fact that I didn't bleed or it was believed.  This periods never stopped and I just had to deal with monthly cramps till that faithful day I was hospitalized for the infection I blogged about in a previous session.


So pushing made and knowledge let me discover that I was born intersexed.  Yes, having two genders in one body.  How furious I was when I discovered that my mom authorized the surgery to correct it and my dad had to endure the pain of witnessing the operation performed on his baby.  This also made me understand why my dad didn't push hard when I said no to things, as your typical girl would answer request that were male related.


I never identified as male, and only as female so this became apparent that my dad didn't want to go against my mother's decisions, but would do whatever it takes to make his baby happy.  So in this, I am smiling that he is the person and was the person I turned to when I was in need of answers, even in his death I still turn the same way because I know what he would say, spending all that time with him.


Would I have been married if I grew up typically female with everything to match and just a medical condition where my estrogen was too low, and need that filled???  I don't know, but I know that I wouldn't have waited so long to interact with men on a sexual level.


Yes I have a great deal of animosity towards my mother for not allowing me to choose or that she didn't want to wait to see which direction my mood and behavior I was attached to more.  Why decide and hope for the best while you know there is a 50% change that the gender you decided on could backfire because the child you envision doesn't exist, because the individual got sculpted and formed their own opinions.


Yes this is a short piece about me, and I don't need pity, because my anger at this point in time will melt the best of intentions.


I hope that no one has to go through this and that we as a community of trans persons, let me include intersex seeing that I actually crossed the boarders with the realization that my suspicions were right all along.  In that little piece of fact that I knew from the start, makes me calmer and not so angry.


I do love my mother, but can't stand that her good intentions turned out the worst for me.  And yes, that is what most parents do.  Make decisions for their children and hope for the best when they grow up into hopefully a well balanced grown-up.


Cheers. Lots of love and kisses



I know the title will sound like I'm rethinking something, and seeing that this is a Transgender blog, I might be thinking that I am doing the wrong thing.  But no, don't be hassling me to change for you please.  I am perfectly Michele as I am, just need a few minor modifications, make that minor modifications in the form of surgeries.


I'm currently the fleet manager as I said in a previous blog.  This 8-4 thing is killing me as I'm use to the 6-6 thing and after 2 days and 2 nights I would normally be off and have 4 days to myself.  Now this Monday to Friday thing is kind of a drag and also exiting, because I am the member in charge and the flack all comes my direction.


What I'll never miss about working shifts is the targets they have...  Yes, the station is now target orientated only in arrest and not in the form of how good you deal with the community and the relationships that you build up to them.  Just how many police initiated arrest you performed.  So it was always this way on shifts, you start work and you go home not worrying about tomorrow, but now you have worries more about performance, and you know what...  One day you may have 20 arrest and the next none.  It's the role of the dice with police initiated arrested.


So I'm sleeping more and my body is actually building a cycle of sleep and when I should wake up, and I never had this for the last 10 years almost 11 if you looking at it that way.  I didn't have a cycle.


I've ditched my uniform that will just be hanging in my cupboard till I work operations with others.  NOOOOOOOOOO,it doesn't mean I ditched my firearm because I am wearing civilian wear, I'm still driving marked vehicles and I'm not going to put myself in crap when someone starts shooting at my vehicle, I want a fighting chance of survival.


Now, you know what.  I've almost always been called Miss or Mrs with longer hair.  My hair isn't that long for me and I love that my face and body is giving my personality and image a pure view of me as a female.  I've been told that a girl shouldn't wear a firearm, and that it is a mans toy or weapon, which just make me look like a butch lesbian.


Again a butch lesbian, I am told.  Well the one that told me that my weapon can be taken from me fast, looked at me and said.  I change my opinion, you are fast to draw and cock the weapon one handed.  He thought that I would be to soft and scream at everything, before running away.


Okay I'm trying to catch you up on what happened in the last month with just small burst of thoughts being thrown at you to give some insight in my life.


I was also told to not reveal that much to the world,because it would leave me vulnerable to attack.  But my views on being attacked with something that everyone else knows, is nothing.  Because it's not a secret and what has been reveal and not been concealed to hide from the world.  Will and can never hurt me.


Enough of me rambling on and you not getting a fix on where I am, so cheers for now.  Be safe and take care of yourself.


Love and protection from Michele H


Ps...  Question, how do you view this???  My friend's birthday was the other day and her father passed away on the same day???  Well she is looking at it in a positive light, which I didn't see till she pointed it out to me.  It might be sad to lose your father or someone close to you on your birthday, but form now on, she will be rejoicing in the life her father lived for the rest of her life on her birthday and that of her father's birthday.  I know on my father's anniversary of the day he passed away, I always start crying as I miss him.  I have never looked at death of a loved one as a happy occurrence.

I clearly don't need to go, but I somehow have decided that 35 might be the year things slow down for me.

I eat half of what I used to, sometimes anything from 25% and up and I'm filled.

Lets rather say, I also started a relationship which I need to end on one or two levels. Therefore I will either just say Gym, which means sex, and Go or Going to the Gym, which has the meaning of the words to exercise.


What I like about it is, I've finally started enjoying it, so my hiatus from August 2012 till just after my birthday was good, as I couldn't find the enjoyment in it. Not that I felt like a victim everytime, no I didn't, I'm a survivor. I was just dead, interactive like a zombie, but physically or mentally involved never.

Yes, I think I should cancel the one, not only because he is trying to make me dependant on him, and I also know some of his unhealthy and detrimental activities. So cancelled is his rights.

Worst part of this is, I'm allowing myself to be promiscuous with him and I don't know me like this.

Now going to the Gym...

This is actually why I started this blog.

I hate running, but the thing that I start of with is doing a 2.4km (1.5miles) run. I'm South African and we work on km's. This doesn't want to drop to below 15 minutes, which is making me feel inadequate as a cop. But what I can say is, at 25 it took me 3 months to drop from 20 minutes to where I started off now. Just my endurance isn't what it was back then.

I was fearing that exercise would counteract what my hormones were doing for my already small breast, 32A. But the counteractive thing is my heavy bulletproof.

So I hate going to the gym. Right, but the positives are, my ass is staying perky, my arms and legs are firm, my breast and ass actually love the attention.

I don't do more than 45 minutes, I only go to the gym for 30-45 minutes. Anything more is ridiculous.

I hate that people look at me in a trouser and tells me, I'm weak and skinny. And that girls should stay out of dangerous affairs and zones. This misogynist I just cant deal with.

To be clear this is my current stats:

Bust / Under Bust: 85/75cm (33&1/2 / 29&1/2inches)

Middle: 65cm (25&1/2inches)

Hips: 93cm (36&1/2inches)

Height: 174cm (5foot8&1/4inches)

Weight: 60kg's (132.3Lbs). Want to stay below 140Lbs as I'm already on the heavy side for modelling too.

I work to maintain my body and only allow my hips (ass) and breast to grow, as that is what HRT is doing for me.

I hate that the nicest and best bodied gym instructor is leaving. But I've got a few that is staying behind, to keep me motivated.

So I'm working for me and nobody else. No man is the motivation behind me or this exercise. I am, as I want to take up part time modelling and continue as being in the police services which I also love.

Because of discussions on how Trans and the general LGBTI community gets treated in by medical staff, police, well government employees, hasn't made me think of this all that much. Because I've always been treated with a certain level of respect and dignity, which I always needed to earn or demand.

I'm also a government employee as you all know, so this shocked me when my group had to deal with a M2F that didn't pass. This poor teenaged girl was treated absurdly and persecuted even more so although she was arrested for drugs.

The law clearly states that the police arrest and the courts decide if anyone is guilty of the offense on all the evidence produced.

Okay, I only stepped in afterwards when I was told. By that time it was a joke to all the cis gendered persons outside by the holding cells. Because of safety, I had to ask a few no no questions, but I made it clear I'm also Trans and was only asking those questions too ensure her safety.

I was also sick that night, but made certain before going she was safe.

For some time the question on how LGBTI persons are supposed to be treated and handled when detained came up. Lucky for me the next day I had a group session where I raised the question. Because of the mixed answers, they all made it clear on what I needed to do...

I subsequently wrote a proposal letter to avail myself as the face for all things LGBTI in the police. And to teach the members through seminars what the correct way would be to deal with a person from the LGBTI community.

The only thing left for me to do is create a questionnaire (would most probably only be used on persons that definitely doesn't pass and those of us that are pre-ops. As those are the persons that will be effected the most when arrested. Those that pass and are post-ops will most likely not even disclose. Unfair, but the harsh reality of life and how easily we blend into cis normativity will count in our favor.

I truly hoped it would be different, but we also have bigotry between some that pass and others that don't. I'll be attempting to bring all to an equal playing field, but until this happens we are all part of an unjust society.

Much love to the few fighting for all our rights till everyone is equal.

Good evening everyone


Not a big thing, I'm going in on Tuesday for an operation to remove my lump.  So far no sign of imminent danger, so relieved to an extent, but will be happier on Tuesday 2016-08-16 when it is removed.


So not all smile, but some sort of smile and a grin after having a bowl of comfort food.  Can't beat chocmint ice cream.  For once a male doc that wants to learn more.


Here's to queer cheers, hell whatever kind of cheers you want to give works.


Oooh was told by my non biological child, he loves my laugh.  I'm talking about my ugly laugh, and he says it sounds like I can be the villain in the movies.


Good night my sweets.


Hugs and kisses

Oooh loads of motivation to keep on with your desires to fulfill your dreams.  Hey, can't just the bearer of bad, semi good news.  If I can be strong, so can you, and if you don't have the strength, just lean on me and I'll carry you to safety...



Hi there all


I know I haven't been on in the resent weeks and I am to blame.  Well you'll see what is to blame as I continue this entry....


So, I have been chatting to this guy and thought that he is cool and everything.  Till the awkward part came of him asking me to meet him.  We continued our cheerful banter and I didn't let that phase me.  As luck would have it, I was busy chatting to a girlfriend about my gender and she being understanding and him at the same time.  Yes,  I did the blooper.  A message of how to explain gender, which was meant for her ended up going to him and he replies by asking if I am serious that I am transgender.  When I confirmed what I by mistake told him, as I had a softer approach planned for him on the same evening.  He shocked me with his answer, "Well does this change you?  Because if you can show me how this changes your personality and everything about you that I like.  I will except that it wasn't meant to be to meet you."


We continued chatting and he didn't become abrasive or mean towards me in the weeks that followed, just more understanding and still sending me my kisses and hugs over the messaging system that we use.  He asked if we could meet.  Just before we met, I was thinking is this a good idea.  What if he just played me and wanted to assault or kill.  Or what if he lied about how he looked.  This and a million other question ran through my head.


ETA to meet, crap is here.  Not even me approach him, but he approaches me and gives me the hugs that I said he owed and which he said I owed him.  Looked him up and down and saw that he actually looks like the person that he said he is.  The conversation continues and he sounds like the person I was chatting to.  Okay, I never heard his voice and language that he used just sounded like him.  Yes, he also looked me up and down.  And he looks at me funny, "I'm not what you expected was I.  Did I lie to you.  But damn girl you are even sexier in real life that what your pictures made you out to be."  I had to convince him that it was only that he didn't lie to me that was making me awe struck by him and that he is actually just refreshing to chat too.


We spent that evening together and chatted the whole night.  He leaned in and I was all, what the hell in my head to allowing my body to play along.  He kissed me full on mouth and..... Yes, I liked it.  I really like the kiss I received from him.  Before the sun even came out a question was posed to me, "Would you be my girlfriend?"  I looked like I could probably faint and he just looked at me and said something like, am I that ugly, and can you only see us as friends or more.  As he turned his head away, I pulled him closer and kiss him.  All I could say was, YES!!!  He looked at me as if to say, you just saying so not to hurt me.  I kissed him again to show that our kisses are passionate and that I actually meant what I said.


Hey, we were getting to know each other over multimedia and it turned out to be the same persons.  Just me talking slightly less, okay more like 50% of the time I spoke and speak on multimedia.  I explained that this is for him to actually get in some words before I take over my part of talking in real life too.


So far, he has introduced me to one of his grandmother's, uncle, and aunts of his father's side.  Yes, nieces and cousins were home too.  He even left me alone with his gran to see how we would communicate.  Ooooh he got, it after that, because he didn't even prepare me that he was doing this.


What I thought of him asking me was.  It will be a week or so of dating according to him and then just leave me to my own defenses again.  Not introduce me to his family as I am now a fixture in his life.  Shocker, I would say.


What he made clear was that he is stubborn and I would have to be submissive to him.  What I made clear is, I am also stubborn and me being submissive will never work for me.  So we should decide on which topics I am going to win and on which topics he is going to win.


I know his favorite foods, colors and why he is into red and black.  International soccer team is Manchester United, and international rugby team is All Blacks.  His local rugby team for sevens as he said are the Crusaders.  Don't ask me about sports as I told him, because I am only going to be watching the asses that are running past me on the field and nothing else.  I was also told that I will watch sports with him.  I told him, only if I get something out of the deal.  He said that I got him and I should appreciate the man that decided I am the only one for him.


Well let me see.  I man that is almost 10 years younger, and lucky for him I'm born early in the year and he late in the year, because if he refused to be born in December, he would've been 10 years younger.  He also says, I should be so paranoid about me being 9 years older then him.  If the age bothered him, he would've not asked me to be his girlfriend.


In this weeks he has made me realize that he is making me accept the world more.  And that me being older is nothing, because I wouldn't even have thought of it if he was 9 years older then me.  He is making me also see that I am the only person that make him happy.  Funny enough, he gave me the password on his cellphone and I said, but it's not my place to scratch on his phone just as it isn't his place to scratch on mine.  But still everything that I he most probably would've wanted to see if he was possessive over me, I showed him and he showed me.


The one thing I don't tell him, is that I sometimes have altercations with suspects and as a female (and a person with no testosterone in my body) I find it difficult to fight men and not get injured.


But I'm digressing.  I am currently happy in a relationship.


Yours sparkling


Hi all


I know, it's all part of the transition.  But does laser hair removal have to sting this much???


Okay, so I did it a few minutes ago.  Stung a bit, but I've found better results if you don't shave beforehand.  It's also not like I have hair popping out like daisies on my face and neck.  It is still like a little blotch I've here and there.  I last shaved on Friday, because of a round trip from Cape Town to Upington (over a1000miles) and back.  Didn't think we wouldn't not sleep for a few hours at least and use a bathroom to freshen up.  But instead, we had family time and shopping before getting back into the car (Chevrolet Spark 1.2L, 60kW or 80hp isn't all that much I agree, but the drive was comfortable enough).  Got back and basically just stripped and washed before getting in bed and sleeping the time away.


So I lasered my face around 15:00 doing my whole face with the home kit, seeing that there is no salon close to where I live.  Torture myself you say, yes I did, and less the 5 minutes later I was done, at the salon if you show pain they st, so takes about 15 minutes at one.


I didn't take the highest setting because, 3 weeks back it left my skin irritated and looking like I was assaulted by my man.  Therefore I moved to the middle setting to not look like a battered wife.


I was thinking that if it even leaves me with a light fluff it would be alright, and then I can have electrolysis done to work out that last few kinks of fluff, but if it removes like everything, I'll be elated.


I know it is a small fortune to spend on the home equipment or to go to the salon.  But this way, I can zap areas I would feel uncomfortable to open up for other people.  Yes I'm shy to the max.


What do you think of the amount of hair still left behind on my face?


It should hopefully be gone by June or July, but this is a home kit, so might take longer.  Let me know if you would do this to yourself or not.



Be safe and look after yourselves ladies.


Big hugs and smooches


Hi all


As always non cryptic headings.



This week was endo week and yes the vampires took blood from me twice.  Results were good and I didn't fear any of it.


Now last night, not as per usual.  But with usual actions led me to self examination.  Yes, I've been wiping myself since the beginning of times and felt an irregularity last night.  Started feeling myself, not out of being horny or anything, but feeling something I'm not use too.  Thought at the beginning that I imagined something and found a lump by my hoohaa.


Yes, a lump and the mass isn't dense just a softish density of an almost roundish to oval shape.  No fears right, none at all.  So off to bed I went.


Now, I'm growing kind of apprehensive because I know the negatives that goes with it and I also realize that I don't want to be sick in front of my mother that came for a funeral, because she wouldn't want to leave, and will end in making me more anxious.


I also have to work irregular hours for the next week or so as it is national elections here.  So I'll just be strong as I don't and can't afford to be sick now, I've got 100's of policemen and women relying on me, not including the public members that are bordering close to half a million people.  And yes, I'm a firm believer of the protection being healthy and strong to perform their duties.  I'll be in an office directing and redirecting everyone.


I will look after myself as soon as I am capable of booking myself in for medical treatments, make that surgery to illuminate or strengthen all fears that I'm just human too...



Cheers for now

Lots of hugs


Hi there


I'm smiling at the thought of me saying, let there be... First thing that comes to mind is ,"Light". But which light will I be referring too? Light as in truth, or the perfect way forward. But the more I think about it, the answer slips me... What I've come to find is, my week was filled with conversation with either men I personally know or have just met on Facebook. Yes, I sometimes accept request from total strangers. In the hope that not all men are dogs or think a pair of tits makes you an idiot and a gullable girl.


The one wants to get back together and I know it's the worst idea in the world. Because the man he is, isn't all bad or all good. He is a manipulative man, that thinks he is never wrong and only wants his way. And when he does something wrong, all the blame for him doing it comes directed towards you, because you called him out on it. Thinking that emotional manipulation makes everything right. And no, I don't like or want to be emotionally blackmailed. Therefore I am lucky in a sense that even while sick, I can think in my feet and let him no, I don't want to see him, it is a bad idea and that we are bad together as a couple. We work much better to just chat with each other as our worlds doesn't attract meteors to crash into us causing disaster above disaster. And after I told him his final NO on Saturday, all radio silence was initiated again. And this from a man that was trying to get into my bed.


Idiotic antidote number 2. Yes, this unknown man starts off chatting to me and telling me how beautiful I am and how I am God sent for him after losing his wife in a car accident and having a daughter that is 18years old. The more we chatted the more disillusioned and detached he seems from reality. According to him, he is this successful engineer that is working on an oil rig in South Africa, and would love to marry me as we are soulmates, destined to get married, and would move to California where we would live happily ever after in a house that he build for his wife and himself.  And the beginning of this week, of which I'm sceptic already. Did I say I have difficulty in trusting men! And then he says we one and his bank account is overdrawn and needs finances to continue with his project and it would mean so much to him that he can finish on time. Bull twang!!! Told him, I don't know him and my finances is mine, of which I don't know if I can trust him or not. He continued with his messaging to attempt and convince me into parting with my money and possibly even my life. Yes, I know of serial killers that used the friends cards with how much they love you to draw you in and because of your gender, sexuality, or perceived looks can trigger their psycho side.


Well out of some of the conversations I am having, there are guys that looks at me as a sexual objectobject (or do they think I'm a prostitute for quick sex), and others that finds me intellectually stimulating as well as a looker. The only question I would have is, "Do these men actually go through my profile that says I'm a transgender female, and nothing in the world is going to change that. Because if the fight comes my way or known to me which is discriminatory against gender or sexuality, I will step in and fight in that war." Or are they just looking at my face (profile picture) as those are the only two things visible on my Facebook before I accept any friend request. Well, I am grateful that I am a visible transgender female that stand for human rights and the equality that we all deserve.


Hugs, respect, freedom, equality and my looks.

Bid you goodnight for now.

Michele J Heynes

Hi there all.


I have mentioned that I was applying to an internal post at work, and that it implies that I will by an acting fleet manager.


On the 30 September 2015 I was officially informed that my application for the post was successful.  The amazing part was, that all my competition were butch guys and little feminine old me won the race, and I didn't come second, third or any other number other then number 1.


I started on 7 October 2015 at 07:30 and my first day was a blast.  I enjoyed the new challenges that were thrown my way.  And day one ended exhausted and going to the gym with a friend.  But I enjoyed every second of it.


On day two, I found new damages to a vehicle and had to write persons for damaging the vehicles.  I know that you can feel and possibly strip one nut of the wheels and not the rest.  So I was super pissed off when all six on the one wheel were stripped and good.


Today we started out sorting the vehicles and I ended up helping to clear an office my previous commander was in and an even older commander will be occupying.  I am so glad that I am getting him back that I want to see if he answers me, but I don't want to be dissed or not answered because, I don't know if he is ready for the work he will need to do.


I am now done with day three and all is well, I had my targets performed for the day and I'm systematically sorting out the backlog of the previous regime, but I should also know, there was not commander in that post for about a year.  So it is remarkable that I have maintained the quality of standards that I would want in a work place.


Okay, what I am doing is to get all the things my boss would want, and that is my priority, but secondary function is to make certain that the vehicles on the police station are running and all in working order.  I am doing this because, i need my people to take care of the vehicles and not to make me look like a fool around the guys.  What made me laugh was, one of the guys I worked with saw me and made it clear that he is looking at my boobs as I am busy working on attempting to fix a flat.  I laughed because I know he is harmless and if he messes with me, I will go to his wife and she will inadvertently sort him out.


The thing that keeps me feeling like my shift is still loving me is...  The one is telling me to never return to the shift because I decided to leave.  But then our captain needed help and I told her, I don't need to help him and I can just get in my car and drive home as my time is up at work.  The next thing I know is I get grabbed from behind and hugged, and they telling me how they missing me and I have only left them.  Their days are quieter and no one is around to make them think on their feet, so they aren't even getting excitement.  They missing me for my administrative skills, and my knowledge in the field as a functional uniform member that that knows my complaints, the books, how to deal with a complaint, take statements, certifications, and overall to deal with prisoners and the community on a whole.  They missing me as it is feeling like the ship is sinking and the one that always had control of the pumps to ensure that the ship never flooded or even took up any water, has gone.


Yes I am proud of myself for getting the post above all, the men that were just as capable as me in vehicle knowledge.  The only thing they beat me in was that I don't have a truck license and don't intend to get one.  I like and prefer to be driving only cars.  Would I change my decision now that I have had a little taste of what is to come.  I don't think so.  I am enjoying myself to much and I don't think I would change it for the world.


So my career is taking off and my love life too.  Good for me.



Cheers for now people.  I'm out.  I am falling asleep in front of the computer.

Night from #TransIsBeautiful #FemaleStrength #LovingYourself



By Michele800226,

Hi the all


As most of you all know, I'm a police officer since January 2005, and that I can fight.


Well yesterday, one of my colleagues came to the station, and he is currently working at a unit.  We started talking as normal, and then out of the blue, no I was the only one in blue uniform.  He warned me that I've become a topic at the unit and it isn't clear what the guys intentions are.


He further informed me that they are having issues with me being trans and discussing amongst themselves and contemplating if I'll be going through the surgery.


Well not like the surgery discussions are news to me,nor the fact that most of the men indicated that they'll take sex from me, but backed off once I was shooting next to them.  And I know some fear me, not just because they saw me shooting but also had the opportunity to witness me fight.


Now, I'm not fearing what they might be planning, as I have proved myself with a lot of the men, so we either have mutual respect or just hate each others guts.  Yes, doesn't mean I'm a peace officer that I can't hate someone, I'm human after all.


I know I don't have legal recourses as I will never be told who was the initiator / instigators are, and if he started it as a means to make the crew comfortable with me.  And then his good intentions turned into warnings coming my way.  Well either way, I didn't think it would be easy to transition in the police.  I knew that I would get hurdles, security fences, hills and snake infested mountains that I must face and cross.  And before he came, I've already made up my mind on how to deal with the gender issues in the police.


So is this warning something I should take serious.  As I don't think it will substantiate or manifest itself into a murder threat or warning.  Other shit for them is, some of them have to work with me to get a part of their work done, so sexually devouring me without permission will not happen, unless I desire that man to treat me like a piece of apple pie.


I should get done, and the book Always Anastacia by Anastacia Tomson is giving me insight into how different like minded women can be, and I'm definitely enjoying how she came out at work as transgender.  It's her autobiography from her dead name to how she came to understand and live her life...  So I'm being inspired by strong women too.


Okay, the last part of the warning.  I'm taking it as a gossip story that reached my ears after much deliberation from a friend to think of how it will hurt me if I had to know.  But, it's not as if it is a secret, and I'm open about my gender and was expecting death threats, not rape threats.  Now that is indicative to me that I'm sexy and they know and want me but are scared of what people around them might say.


Therefore I will take it as a validation of my beauty, or should I be scared???  Before anyone answers, I've had the same training in the police of all the minimum advance training they must go through.  And then some.


Now I can say.


Have a good weekend.  Cramps are killing me and it feels like those hospitalization pains I had, after all I found some blood on my clothes and after wiping my


Safety first, and leave the heroics for me.  Now I just need to make contact with someone I know.


Cheers for now


Hi all


Yesterday Monday 2016-06-13 at between 02:45 and 03:00 another police officer friend of mine was gunned down.  I know that some of you will be telling me to look after myself and be safe outside, but then I can think of this to say, if it is my time to die, no matter what I do and where I go, I will die.  So I prefer to face everything head on so I know, I went out the way I lived and believed in, my way.


Yesterday's guy was on police college with me and at the interim police station before college.  So we grew close and hugged as a greeting and made as if we kissed to freak the hell out of people sometimes.  He was a soft soul, that I respected, adored, would protect with my life, and could trust with my life.  He was one of those police members that almost never lost his temper, and would do what it takes and usually went above and beyond the call of duty.


What saddened me was that I went to take keys to the scene 6 almost 7 hours later and unbeknown to me he was still lying on the ground where they gunned him down.  Something in me told me not to go closer and just leave the key with one of the seniors and went back to the station.  When I drove by another 6 to 7 hours later they were still busy with the scene and only 2 and half three hours prior to that removed his body from the scene and he laid there for 10-11 hours before they were allowed to move him.


As I'm typing this to commemorate the life of a friend Mthetho Sandla, my tears are welling up, as I will never get to hold him in my arms, smell him, see him in front of me, or laugh with him.


Okay in all the good he did, I should probably say this, mention one thing where you could see how much I cared for him.  Last year while I was still on the shift, I was called in by the ladies on my shift, because Mthetho was in a predicament and being arrested for drunken driving with a traffic officer.  I got to the station, asked if I may speak to him, and asked how he was doing?  He just laughed and said he is alright.  I asked why and how he was arrested?  He had some drinks and his fiance instructed him to fetch her, even after he told her that he had something to drink and don't want to drive.  She became insistent and forced him to fetch her, where he was pulled off in the area and got arrested.  I went inside to ask the Warrant Officer whom was writing the books to sort him out, because he can't go in the sells where he has arrested so many people before.  The Captain of my shift was out and when he heard about it he also came in and heard me begging for Mthetho's safety.  When the Warrant insisted he could do nothing, I told him to if he can't do something, I will and I won't go out until this is sorted out.  (In South Africa if a government official was locked up for drunken driving we are allowed to give them a free bail and warn them to appear in court the first court date that comes after that, but certain police, traffic, metro will let that person lie in the sells because they aren't nice.  I'm not saying that police will be released when they committed murder, rape or anything like that.  But had a glass or two too many.)  I processed him like any other criminal and he was laughing all the way, telling me that as a student I was always the suspect and always got inked up, it only seems fair that he feels how it feels to be inked up.  The charging was done and I wrote out the police bail for him and my Captain signed because no one else wanted to, and my rank wasn't high enough at the time, but I was willing to take the punch for a person I knew wouldn't ever be locked up for committing a robbery, murder or rape.  He was looking for his car keys and told me to give to him as he sobered up enough to be under limit.  I told him, I charged you, I released you, and I love and respect you to much to let you drive home, because I can tell him with all honesty that the traffic were informed where you living and are covering all routes there.  I will either go home after my shift ends unless he promises to stay home on our friendship, and for the first time in his life he allowed me to drive the vehicle home, where I parked it and he went inside.  Yes, I kept the key in case his fiance called again, as I knew he needed to sleep and handed the keys over to her during the day.


I know this sounds like I got the back of my friends, but if I know they don't drive like that and it was because they were forced, I will help them.  And I believe that no peace officer (traffic, metro, correctional, police, ens) should be placed in a sell where they might just end up with the person they arrested or could be killed in there, so I have a soft spot for all people.  And when I know that they aren't a threat or I know where and how to find them.  So I didn't just do this for a friend, but a guy that was nice when he didn't notice he knew me, and the previous times he saw me he was reprimanding me for nothing.  After that he said he will never be that way again... I haven't checked if he remembered me, but should.  When someone at work said but they can't release him because they can't verify anything of him.  I came forth and said, he works there, he asked me how I knew, and I told him he was shouting at me when he saw me the first time and subsequently seemed to dislike.  He said, he never actually looked who it was, when I described my car to him, he remembered the incident well and that was that.


Mthetho, in all the years I've known you (beginning of January 2005, 10th of Jan we went to college), you never disrespected me, showed me the caring and loving side of you.  I can't forget you, and I love how you were a part of my life and made it that much richer.  Don't worry about the tears in my eyes babez, it isn't just tears of sadness, but tears sent into the universe to spread the news that an angel has been set free to grace the world of his mercy as God would want it to be.  And don't think that it will get easier, I will just learn how to deal with the sorrow and the pain.  Mthetho say hello to Luntu, and my father from me.  Even though I know they are reading this message with you as I am saying.




Daddy I still speak of you to people, miss you too.  Love you so much.


I think I typed more the enough to remember Mthetho.


Luntu, I will never forget us sharing smileys, we had a lot a food we shared.  You told me I'm black on the inside and white on the outside.  I remember how I got beaten in a fight and you also couldn't handle the guy, but the blows you guys gave made me fly, and in the end it took both of us to get the suspect under control, and it was the first time you saw that I am human and capable of being beaten.


Lots of Love, Hugs and Kisses


Hi everyone, hope you guys have been well with me not here and that some soul who needed it was helped.


Let me see how the story format go and here is the last few weeks with the biopsy and how I was doing for the time till now.


Ooooh, my sister got her car back today, so I should probably have my car serviced


Biopsy Done & Dusted


Feelings While Unknown

Date: 2016-08-16


I was taken in and first weight, making me feel uncomfortable at the thought that someone else is seeing my weight and if I gained weight and I didn’t know about it, what can I say.  Also feeling more like I should eat, but yes fasting doesn’t work that much for me the foodie.


Nurses at this hospital which is open less than a year or around that time, are professional and full of smiles.  The one sees my lip gloss on and thinks it’s a lipstick.  Not at all and here they all start doing their faces, because apparently I can’t be the only person that is looking good at the hospital.


Fear strikes me more as hunger makes me think of all the crap that can go wrong.  First thing first, what if this is positive and I am told chemo, well we found something else.  Or the weirdest one of all, what the..................................................  and total silence.


I went with thought into my gown and thought that if I don’t calm down as in now, my stats might make me wait longer to have the operation done to remove this lump.  So I calmed down by watching tv, chatting to everyone around me and then the inevitable happened my surgery schedule was announced as changed.  Thinking what is wrong, as I was told, I realize that they were discussing that the child had eaten and needed to wait a few more minutes which made me think that I am closer to food if and when this happen so don’t look nervous or anything.


Went into the surgery theatre and was told the painful part was over and I asked what the doc was talking about only to find that he already had the drip on my arm.  Hahahahahahaaaaa, I don’t feel needles unless the idiot that does the drip line isn’t good at it, I will feel the needle as I look at them.  And asleep I am....


Woke up a while later, the first thing I do is take of the hair net, and make my hair right, second thing I do that was astounding was with a smile I asked if I can eat now, I’ve been waiting on food for the whole day already.  The medical staff just laughed and started chatting to me as they told me that I am still on the surgery floor, not back on the ward floor.  Somehow it was weird that I woke up with a smile and was perky.



Feeling relief that you know the thing is out that was making you sick and now the stressful part starts waiting on biopsies and getting in the doctor’s office for the follow up.  But relieved that the operation was a success and I would only be in pain from the surgery wound and nothing else.  Hoping for the blue moon and the sparkling oceans to stay calm too.


Date: 2016-08-22


Enter the doc’s office and I know what is going to happen, take off your clothes and let me examine you.  Therefore I dressed accordingly to make it easier to strip, yes like a strip dancer.


Does his examination as we do the pleasantries as to make me feel less uncomfortable to having a man next to me while naked.   And in the conversation he says, wound looks good and results negative.


What did you just say???  No Chemotherapy for me, and no hair loss, and no losing weight and explaining that I am sick and treating cancer.


Go home with a smile on my face and finding a doc I can trust in the mean time, okay so not all men are pigs as doctors.


Lots of love and hugs to boot from me.  Because little old confused me was kissed and I think I forgot how to kiss back, but after the initial shock I just let it happen and this was as in last night.  I’m getting to old for this crap, but I should probably allow a younger guy to show me what he got or not.  I can almost call myself A-sexual or anti sexual to the world.




Ps:  I was told on Wednesday 2016-08-24 that I am a model standing outside with a friend and this cute guy walks by.  Ooooh validating isn’t it, if his eyes is only fixed on me and not my friend.  And Thursday 2016-08-25 that another guy stopped me to chat with me and just blurted out for which modelling agency you working because you belong in the high fashion magazines and cat walks of fashion shows. I just laughed and said that I love the work that I do, but thank you for the complement.

35 Today

By Michele800226,

Quite frankly a birthday has never been at the top of my to do list, unless the list is on how to evade a birthday.

Today, Thursday 2015-02-26, I turned 35 years old. This Capetonian trans lady sometimes, grabs the bull by its horns, make that balls. And then there are days that started off like today, I cried and just couldnt understand why.

Now most of the times when I go through this day, I cant wait for it to be over. Like today, so a normal day that I hate this day. One, I was born in a body I need to alter surgically to feel whole. I started off a fighter and till today, I'm a fighter. I break down, but hormonally a trans person goes through puberty twice. Like the first one wasnt enough.

Lucky for me, even in school and before that I was fighting to be the girl. When I was pushed around or pinned down by the boys, because according to them, that was what boys did to girls, I would fight back and somehow get free. Well males that does that to women should rethink the gentleman theory, because they continually acted like overbearing men if not potential rapist.

Okay, these fights were always worse when it were my birthdays. Thanks Daddy for teaching me to punch, shoot and drive from some birthdays. He thought girls should be capable of doing things for themselves.

I always thought that a birthday signified another year closer to death. Until I saw my teenage body and young face on a 32 year old body. I still hate my birthday, but this factor was removed. I still hate the happenings as a child and teenager. And to explain what happened would be wrong for now, and this is my rumblings around boys and birthdays.

I never thought of it like this...


Okay, we all probably never thought of it, okay make that the persons who never gave the world a chance to influence and change your gender.  I've always been trapped in a body with a body part belonging to someone else.  And even as a child I would ask everyone, "WHERE DO YOU SEE A BOY, BECAUSE IF YOU TALKING TO ME, I'M NOT LISTENING AS I AM NOT A BOY!!!"


So did I give my parents the chance to grieve the loss of a son they never had, or is my mother just trying to be a royal pain in my ass.  Okay, my dad never used the right pronounce, and he treated me as softly as he could.  But I never wanted to be a soft girly girl.  I needed to know how to kick the boys into submission and how to shoot at a target with a proficiency that most grown up would cry over getting.  And how to handle a car and still look like a model on a catwalk.  Yes I am, and I obviously want to stay my daddy's little girl.  And somehow I was treated like all the other girls in the area, because I know he knew that he wouldn't ever get a boy in life from me, unless I come home with a guy.


So I came to the conclusion that my mother will never let go of the gender assigned to my birth certificate which I will and can't ever respond, because that will and can't ever be me.  I'm looking down at my lilac nails as I type this and think.  Okay, so she (my mother) is trying to cultivate another interaction like that of my brother with her.  But it will never happen, I would become her last born and the girl she can run to if she could accept me for who I am, but till this happens, I am not going to give me anymore heartaches at trying to convince her that this is for me to be at my best.


Hormones is another sore issue with us, as she would like me to stop, and the only time that I actually hear that she sort of cares for me is when I told her that without it I will probably kill myself and not think twice about it, because I can't live as the person that she wants me to be.


Okay, this statement will make most people jump at their phone books to call and tell me it's not the end of the world.  Well, let's see how long did it take you to realize that you need to do the changes.  How many suicides are there in the world because of persons not allowed to transition.  I wouldn't kill myself, but I might do something that will still result in me dying (running into a gang fight with no bullet proof vest and get shot, but making certain that I took out as many of them before they could shoot me, and if they can't shoot, I would probably shoot myself through the crotch).  Okay, that is one of the thoughts I have in my head.  But seeing that I know I am the last line of defense for my oldest sister, and I don't want her to be injured or anyone to attack her.  I wouldn't want to leave her behind as I wouldn't be there for her.


I have also learned that for every argument I have that I can die, I have an argument to stay alive, because if I don't do the fight that others are afraid of to do, who will do it and how will the nation I live in ever decide to change the way they treat us as human beings.


Yes, I am not going to do anything to me, because I need to keep on with a fight in the world.  First South Africa and later, move into other nations because, equality is the way forward, not the way people want to change everyone.


Cheers, stay safe and love life.

Michele H

Hi everyone


Apparently I'm loving these to do or not to do's.  But let's just say, they come after experiences I've gone through.


This week that passed was no different from others.  Seeing that for my last few weeks at work I've been going to the shooting range, with the only difference that I actually got to shoot.  So 1 less day of actually working for me, because I'd normally return to work after a long drive.


Friday, as per usual.  I got up earlier to be at work before 06:00 and get weapons I don't take home, and get a state vehicle to drive.  Because of strikes, roadworks, and traffic light that were out and on going, I drove 2 hours to the shooting range that about 40miles away.  So pissed off at driving and idiots trying to push me off the road.


I passed my shooting on all the weapons I had on me, and needed to pass.


No, I was perfectly made up before leaving the house and yes.  The shooting range is on an open space looking like a dessert.  No shade and sand blowing everywhere.  6 almost 7 hours later and I was full of sand, from my face to my tits and stomach.  I left and went to the nearest garage where there is a bathroom to wash my face and remove as much sand as possible.  Removed all my make-up and went back to work to drop my none issue firearms.


Walked into the office of one of the officers as she was looking for the vehicle I was driving.  First she tell me my make-up is still perfect after a long day, and when I revealed I had nothing on, she asked me why I'm wearing make-up if my face is so perfect.  Well its to enhance my looks obviously isn't it.  At least that is what I was thinking.


So now the question comes, if others view your face as perfect without make-up does that mean you should not use any, or that you can use it to enhance your looks???


Well I feel so much more comfortable with make-up on then without it in public.  It doesnt mean my confidence is so low I can't do without make-up.  It just feels that much more in tune with my body and brain I think, and I'm still comfy as can be.


Would I walk without make-up on?  Yes, I sometimes do, even though I don't have a twelve o clock shadow.  But I wear it at work because that is my norm.


Then my question to everyone would be.  If you could go a day without make-up, would you???  Okay, you can still wear gloss.  But would you?  That is the question.


Reason I can pull of days without make-up are, I do my face as natural as possible the most of the time, my lower eye lids permanently looks like I have eye liner on, my eye lashes always look like I used mascara, and my cheeks are rosier without make-up.  Yes I got natural make-up the day I was born.


Ending off.  All I have to say is.  Make-up doesn't define us as human beings.  Being trans we try to blend in as much as possible to cis persons.  But why should we as a collective try to blend in with the world's inadequacies, who says we are not the norm, but just because we the minority in today's age, we are the odd one's out.  Who says we aren't part of evolutionary development and enhancement to show the world, change is good.  Then why should make-up be all that important for us to blend in.


Yes I know, the fear of being told you don't belong is great.  The fear of being outed that you aren't naturally born as the gender you identify as.


I can't guarantee that I will be around to protect you from the hatred, but I am trying to be as visible as I can without endangering my family, friends and acquaintances.  As I don't fear what can be done to me.  There is also a reason for my twitter, Facebook and Instagram acciunts being set on private, but that is only for promotional purposes as certain of my stances can be interpreted as not in line with being in the police, even though I don't mention political stances, just the human rights side of my stances mentioned at times. 


I love and leave you, with this to ponder.  Why do we have to conform to cisgender rules?  Okay, I've always wanted bombs and a vagina, but what if you didn't want to go through all that as I do???  Should you conform to make others comfortable?  Should you make yourself uncomfortable so that the rest of the world can accept you unconditionally?  Well if the world wants you to change, then nothing you do, say, or go through will ever be enough to be accepted by others.


Big hugs


Hello all


Got a weird question albeit normal question the other day.


I was asked out of the blue by one of the officers at work, "Will you be capable of answering a question when the new station commander asks you about your dress code?  And have you changed it at work?"


The it is, my gender specifics and the dress code for male and female police members are slightly different at work.  Answering this officer, I clearly stated that the workplace were informed and some of my medical certificates are on record at work, that's why I obtained a female bulletproof or why would I have gotten that and be placed in the female side of a barracks when going on a course.  I said some part in my head, then vocalized that I was born intersexed and that make me capable of deciding if I'm female or male as I got both genders, what now...


I got a weird look, and commented further that a friend whom is Maj General and the head of legal services in the police was approached and informed of my steps that I was going to take and for her to start looking at the laws of South Africa to safeguard herself, otherwise this will have repercussions and reach her office too.  Suddenly he walked away, because now his rank isn't just inferior, but somewhere in the middle of myself and a friend.


2 days passed and I got asked if I saw the page on his table.  It didn't bother me as it wasn't my desk.  She read out loud a section he wrote about me. (See attachments)


Come after me as much as you want, because this will only strengthen me as I grow and safeguard all others to follow.  Meaning I do their fighting for them preemptively.  I was far from done when it came to fighting for LGBTIQ&Others.  Have about 20 odd years to go before it's time for me to go on retirement as it is frowned upon to work more then 30 years in the police here.


Thinking that people still want to crucify people for being different to them is awful.  If this is his point of view, ooooh I got some sins he has done.  By his own account, and that doesn't scare me to take him on.


I'm not livingin th stone ages, and he'll js have to get over it, or dron in his own sins and leave me alone.  One more person to beat the crap out of.  And in the endi am gong to g for gold, hit him wher it will hurt the most, his wallet.  What that is the only way to make a bigot learn to stay on the right side of the law.


Hope you all are havig a good time, and are safe.  After all a pest like me never goes down without a fight..


Hus and kisses






Hi there everyone


Its not about being optimistic or pessimistic, it about the way my smile and looks are putting me in hot water at times.


I've come to realize that some of my male friends are now also hitting on me, because I've got a perky happy face 90% of the time if not more.  Now they are becoming like horny dogs after my ass too.  Is this a culmination of my smile, facial expression, ass and boobs or just men being like a pack of horny dogs in heat season???


With the unknown factor, the unknown men...  That will offer me gifts at an intersection I had to stop.  Start talking to me and saying how much they love me, while just seeing me walking down the street and smiling at them.


Should my smile or body freak me out, because I'm not opening myself up to all these horny bugger's.  Or should I embrace the power it gives over men and women in the open field of life.


I've decided that flirtation with a beautiful soul, okay sometimes a gorgeous hunk is all that I need to continue with my perfect smile.but therein lies the fault, not all hunks have beautiful souls.


So do I smile and get all the beauty that comes with it, or do I think of all horny screwed up persons that bring along flustered situations???


Now let me say this, I won't give up smiling and letting my soul trickle through for everyone to see, buy I'm also not incapable of switching to my dragon face that bites off unwanted attention in a flash.


Remember, be safe out there.  Walk in pairs and tell a friend where you are gong if you are going alone.  Oh and I should learn to practice what I preach.









The police haven't sent me on training in while, and here its for the newest entry at work.

So having had training in Shotguns, R5 Assault Rifles, RAP401 and Piettro Beretta Mod92 9mm Pistols a decade back, was like funny to for me the only girl with the hard ass guys I work with and some men I can sneeze over. 5 minutes later firearm training over, I know my firearm, so off to the shooting range. Why didn't you train the other stations people. This guy looks like he is afraid in front of me, well let me show him how it's done. 5 minutes later he is still struggling yo release the slide, how bad can he be. Can't wait to stand and shoot though.

At the station prior to leaving the 2nd hands as I like to call them are a click that makes almost everybody believe they are the best, and before I or we (my group) get in a fight with them, lets just go in my car and drive the 80mile round trip.

On the shooting range from the right to the left, the first 5 persons were the best of the best. The only girl in the mix, so Queen again. So after the first squeeze I realized this pistol isn't just lighter, but everything on it is lighter except for the new magazine that was still stiff.

Being considered one of the guys that stands my ground in the face of danger. I sometimes wonder if I would've been accepted or an outcast if I couldn't shoot, fight or stand my ground. Yes, with certain guys the option of me driving are always open, with others I am the driver no matter what, because they can't drivr. The joke with the driving is, I drive a Chevrolet Spark 1.2L stick shift, and the vehicles at work are one tonners trucks or sometimes bigger, and very rarely smaller, but everything is at least 3ft longer.

In cars I pick something that doesn't seem like I stole my dad's car and fits my personality. But seeing as I'm talking about firearms, I prefer a weapon that is comfortable to carry and shoot one handed too.

Lastly, I don't believe a firearm yo be the first line of defense. I also know that when I draw my weapon it is in all likelihood going to be used, because it is my last option to protect myself and those lives around or with me. A weapon, be it a firearm, knife, sword, baton, or any form should only be used or carried when you feel comfortable the training you were given can be executed without a fault, and all consequences of you using that said weapon to inflict the minimum of damages to stop the said attacker. Because going around and thinking you indestructible because you were trained at using it, is the worst mentality you can have. Yes, be confident, know your strength and weaknesses with the weapon or your body. AND LASTLY REMEMBER TO BE SAFE, BECAUSE THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMEONE BETTER THAN YOU, IF IT IS BECAUSE OF FOCUS OR ABILITY. WEAPONS ARE NOT TOYS, BUT AN EXTENSION OF YOUR HAND AND CAPABILITIES IN A FIGHT.

Okay, all I wanted to do was gloat that I passed. But I did it all while ensuring my safety and that of those around me. And I still looked feminine and adorable. Doesn't mean I like guy stuff I jave to look like them, I'm a girl by nature that doesn't like taking crap from anybody.

Good evening all


Yes a retrospective look at what is what...


Why so many transgender or gender non-confirming persons are to denied the passing as the gender they have always known themselves to be is the hardest to understand.  It comes with the fact that some families would rather deal with a sibling or child as being heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual, but bring up the transgender or transsexual word and everyone freaks out.


So in retrospect, I was thinking of the time I was trying to fit into a norm that families would make us to believe are better then being true to oneself.  I've even given me time frames to get to grips with when my family would accept it and if they couldn't I would be fine as living my life as a gay man.  Who could believe that I was actually worried about what they were thinking, because at the end, the love, appreciation and understanding that I have for myself is of a greater importance to me then what acceptance is from other persons.  And the only point I'm focused on at the moment is that of GRS and not worrying what they have to say about myself, as the person I had to be to be accepted at a small level was not the person I wanted to ever be.


After much consideration, I never ran away because I couldn't bare that I would leave behind the 3 most important persons in my life, my departed father, oldest sister and that of not my oldest, but time youngest niece, now my 2nd brother's oldest daughter.  Well, the thought of disappearing and going ahead with the transition early was always on my mind...  And the scolding eyes of my mother that always tells me I'm in the wrong and that I should just be what she wants me to be, then I would've had to marry and have children in hopefully that way, because if that is what they desired that is normally what they got.  But growing a pair and understanding that my happiness needs to be placed first and others would see that the other me was just a front and  that person had no personality or soul, just an empty shell that roamed the earth because that was what was expected of that person.


What I can say about faking being CIS and gay is this, being soulless and not actually caring about what happened to you in the world is a real threat.  Because it left me to be reckless in almost everything.  From drinking and driving, I guess was in the hope that I would be in an accident and caught in a burning vehicle to be burnt to death to an unidentifiable corpse.  Well, I'm glad that I never actually got to that point, because then I wouldn't have known what it is to be open about being me.  And yes, I know that it is part of my facebook introduction so that those that send friend request should know I gave them a dis-closer of who and what I am.


Why am was thinking about this during the day, I really don't know, but the fact is.  We all have some times thought this, why did I first have to do this so that the community and my family could accept me, but in truth you never accepted yourself for who and what you were.  So the first step to being happy about the person you have become, is thinking about if everything is as you would have done it, or are you at least at a spot in life where you can be happy to continue.


I reached my happy spot.  And if my mother pees on my batteries, I take a step back and tell her, I can stop with what I am doing, but just know this and understand this fact.  The likelihood that I will commit suicide is so much bigger, because I've never been happy as the person you wanted me to be, I'm not that person you think I am, I am Michele yes, not the Michel you wanted me to be, because I am an individual.  And this individual is transgender.  Without my brain being aligned with my hormonal structure I can not function and I am planning on aligning my body to the rest of my body because that is what I've always wanted, and I know you know that I've always voiced my beliefs and how I felt as a child, because I can remember telling you back then, and you saying that it must only be a phase.  What kind of phase last 36 years mother, what kind of torture do you want me to live through.  If you were as much invested in me as your son you almost died with at birth, or the daughter that came after him, you might've understood me.  Yes, I also know that you wanted a daughter before my birth and my body tried to fool you, but you surgically had my happy space removed to leave me with a body that I can't stand looking at.  A body that makes me so uncomfortable I can't find myself to love my body and that is placing strain on me and relationships because I feel like I am not worthy of being loved because I can't love myself...  Yes make me stop HRT, and the next call you might get is to say that I died, and think of it this way, you were the cause that an empty vessel left this house and was broken, not killed, because that is exactly what you request did, it killed me.  Not the bullet through my head, or knife through my heart, but that inadvertent disregard to have me live my life and be who I was meant to be.  Me, Myself, I, Michele Joey Heynes.  The daughter you wanted before birth and had killed.


Somehow this seems morbid at times, but then I realize that my mother, can't stand being the cause of that, and she just says let it be.




Tuesday came, and it was the last day of January by that.  Left work early, and got to the endocrinologist.  Marli had her normal  checks and we spoke.  But what made me zone out was, here is a referral, you need to go for a mammogram.  Lucky we already went through the blood works that I took on the previous Friday.


I got to work the next day, as the blood works is showing signs of cholesterol and that my testosterone levels are higher.  Normal male ranges but still half of what I started out on before HRT.  Some other readings also messed about.  But I should say, 6 months earlier we dropped my blocker dosage to half what I was using because of the potassium resistance my body was experiencing.


Thursday on Feb 2, I went for the mammogram.  Yes, I was anxious, nervous, scared, all the crying emotions were all collected in my body.  Even the with drawn little girl.  My friend had my car and forgot that I had an appointment so I was taken by a colleague who lives in the area of the hospital.  Told him to meet me there or all hell will be directed at him.


Came out of hospital and to in my car, looking as if some dog has taken my good and ran away.  Just teary eyed, unresponsive and clutching my results.  Normally by this point my results would be opened and checked by myself, but because this wasn't a Michele request it was scaring the living daylights out of meArarat.


Friday came and went and still I'm refusing to read the results.  Saturday also comes and goes, and as I arrived home around 00:00 this morning.  I decided to sit myself down and force myself to read it as this moping around for a forced test is just bull.  Read it so slow, and once done, realize but the results says everything is normal, I just have a dense pair.


Thus relieved I decide I can go sleep.  So my last week ended in me stressing for sweet nothing.

Seeing that I have the time on my hands let make this one clear.


For 5 days out of the month, I am on a lower dosage of estrogen, and it kinda makes me cranky as hell.  Reason being is that I have decided to go the medically induced period cycle, and I know it is motha of all hell pain cramps, because I've always had these cramps from my 9th birthday.  Some months it's good and I'm just cranky as hell.  Other months it is so bad, I cramp and start crying from the pain.  But I know it is now in tune with my body cycle and I will just have to deal with the cramps, being pissy to people, crying for no apparent reason, and being needy over those days.  Oooh don't let me go into the don't touch me mode.  Then not even Thor with all his strength will be immortal, as I will crush his spirit into a painful mere mortal death.


What does this mean for me as in a whole with a relationship???  Okay, it's the first time we together and this cycle has come, so I warned him of the possible side effects.  Yes, FX is on.


What I believe and what Jazz's mom tells her in I am Jazz is right.  Be honest about who you are, because there are evil people out there.  And her parent's are constantly worrying about her ever finding love with a guy or girl that respects her.  I also hope that she gets what she needs in life, and I hope that for me too.


Would it have been easier if I was medically inducing my periods from a young age like Jazz, maybe.  But on the other side,  I would not have known that people can be so cruel because they don't understand the changes we as transgender persons have to endure just to feel whole.  But I also hope that the earlier changes for the young teenagers are going to put them on a more level playing ground with the rest of the world.


My cramps and my pms, on the other end of the scale is unique.  As I don't think many transgender females naturally produced so much estrogen like I did which put me on an advantage to feel body changes on the inside that others had to wait to experience...  Okay I struggled to grow breast,  am still on only an A cup and at least the cups are the fuller A's then the partial A's they were.  But I also knew that I would end up here.  Because my family has breast sizes ranging from A cup to FFF Cups.  The ones with the big breast are also the idiots in my family.  I stood in the line for more smarts then a voluptuous body.


No I am not saying that big breast and blonds are idiots by nature, only the big breasted women in my family are idiots.  And they think that sex sells and men will do anything just because of some breast and giving them the cookie jar.


I love that I can still creatively thing of names for things that would just sound to crude at any given moment.


Okay, the last thing about me being on the period cycle of hormones are, I want my body to simulate a natural female body with hormones and in doing so assist with the development I am going through.  And it has made a big difference from the 18 months of straight hormone high to period cycle.  I have developed more, and it has kept my migraines more at bay.


To all have a good day.  Be safe, and think before you do.  I have discussed this before I did it.


Cheers for now

Michele with love

Let met get it clear from the start, my friend is pregnant with twins (boy and girl) and Baby Dady is taking up my time again...


Since she and this guy have been dating she didn't tell me it's serious and therefore I never met him.  Then all of a sudden he is a permanent ficture and messing up our talking crap, dinner dates, movies nights, sleep overs, and baby shopping time.


Okay, doesn't men know or realize that girls need to hang and not be bothered at times.  And doesn't he realize they going to have a lot of sleepless nights coming after November???


He has already asked a friend of his to be godparent and now she must still decide on who the lucky or unlucky person is.  I'm already calling the girl my baby that kicks ass, and the boy the softer one.  But they both apparently kicking and punching mommy left to right and also head budding her bladder.  How I wish I could go through that.  But would I want to be involved in a relationship or take it as a singleton.  It's hard enough to be in a relationship to juggle both.


So actually this isn't about me always wanting to have a child and carry it full term.  It's more that Alistair is taking up so much time that I can't see my friend, which I am missing like crazy.


The same friend that freaked when I said I need a new GP and Endo!  Who made herself vocally heard in her distrust in South African surgeons, and not wanting me to go here for anything remotely close to major surgery in SRS.


The same friend when I started HRT said, bloody finally you started, but are you certain you trust your doctors.  Don't you want someone else to handle your hormones.


The first person to know how much the hormones cost, as she went with a few times.  The most annoying one when it comes to someone wanting me to date a man.  She kinda knows most of the fixed requirements and she has been occupied so much she doesn't know the picture kinda changed in the mean time, after making out with a friend who is considerably shorter then me.  Yes I call anything under 1.7m short, that I'm 1.74m (5'8&1/4), he is like 5'5.




So kinda shorter has joined my criteria, but also only if there is respect, attraction and a whole lot of va va boom.


Wonder when I'll be seeing my friend, and when I'll get to see our little one's.


Funny, I started moaning about not seeing her, but realized how much we share, unless we know that it can be sort of flaunting and to much of a visual expression for the other to deal with.  We stay quiet, even though visually we can deal with corpses and being shot on at work.  Lol


All I can reiterate is, I miss my blooming friend.  This guy is making our relationship unreliable as she is now never there for me!  Bloody penis that impregnated her!!!

Generally Speaking


No matter if you CIS, Trans, Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Queer.  All of us went through the phase of exploration.  Be it to discover your gender or sexuality or which careers we wanted to follow, because you don't look, behave or think like everyone else you talk to.  Sometimes, not even your parents have an answer for you, make that most of the times.  And when you finally got an answer from somewhere, it takes us all different timeframes to accept or initiate the change we so desired from a young age, but we just didn't understand.




I knew who and what I was, even if I didn't have a name for it as a child.


If you looked at the major age gap between my father and I, but I can definitely say 54 years age difference wasn't big at all.  We understood each other, although at times some of the questions asked were formulated for a different era.  I wasn't judged or ridiculed by him.  He rather taught me, a human being never mind being female or male should be capable of respecting each other and being respected by others, and his children should be capable of taking care of themselves as we should be independent.  But not afraid to ask for assistance when we don't know.  And that's why we have each other.  We perfectly paired off as sibling, each with their own strengths and weaknesses in our individual groups, or unified.


So as a child of four years old, I already had the discussion of me having the big surgery to align my body with my brains and feelings.  Yes I was advanced in certain areas and others I just refused to act my age.  I remember wishing and praying that I would be changed before I go to school or become a grown up.  I remember begging to be changed before high school. But nothing happened, where my dad was my rock, my mom always seemed to be blocking my every move, she is more reluctant to understand, but she is 17 years younger then my dad.  And if it was due to pain, it's mine not hers and I have decided to pursue my happiness not someone else's.


Not like I've ever asked her permission to be myself.  Because I knew whatever would happen to me, my mother would tell me it's because I'm refusing to abide by her rulesrules and that of society.  Screw that, I was taught to live my life for me as long as I have respect, but never bow down or out.  That's why I've always been closest with my father and oldest sister.  I think he understood because of his Native American heritage.  My dad would defend me by saying that I knew a lot more then other children, that I'm not confused or indoctrinated, and that a child can't want the same thing for decades and be confused.


My goals were kept from me the day my father left his corporeal being for the spiritual world to watch over us.  Yes, I do believe in different plains of existence.  But I re-iniated when I was old enough, softening the blow of my completeness.


I've always been allowed to be myself, free from the binding of normal life.  Free to explore if my heart so desires.  Free to be the women I have always been.  I've almost been a closet case, but my teachings and integrity which my dad taught me was important to me always came out.


Now, I hear the question coming from all corners.  If he lived, why didn't he allow the change early?  Well, answer is easy, his  five foot tall wife was the one that always stood in the way of my happiness to change.  Another question looming, must be...  If she was the one to prolong everything in your life, do you love her as your mother?  Obviously yes, but because of her and some of my siblings, I grew colder at times.  None responsive and well primarily more of a loner, knowing that I don't need anyone to be happy, but I would still love to have a child.  But I fear the irreparable damage some parent have on their children, and would I be that closed minded as my mother.


She knows, but do I care about approval, not in a million years.  I have always been loved for being me, the girl I am inside and presenting to the world.  Would I change for anyone, YOU MUST BE CRAZY NOW!!!


Now who know me better then me.

Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0