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Hi everyone

 

Apparently I'm loving these to do or not to do's.  But let's just say, they come after experiences I've gone through.

 

This week that passed was no different from others.  Seeing that for my last few weeks at work I've been going to the shooting range, with the only difference that I actually got to shoot.  So 1 less day of actually working for me, because I'd normally return to work after a long drive.

 

Friday, as per usual.  I got up earlier to be at work before 06:00 and get weapons I don't take home, and get a state vehicle to drive.  Because of strikes, roadworks, and traffic light that were out and on going, I drove 2 hours to the shooting range that about 40miles away.  So pissed off at driving and idiots trying to push me off the road.

 

I passed my shooting on all the weapons I had on me, and needed to pass.

 

No, I was perfectly made up before leaving the house and yes.  The shooting range is on an open space looking like a dessert.  No shade and sand blowing everywhere.  6 almost 7 hours later and I was full of sand, from my face to my tits and stomach.  I left and went to the nearest garage where there is a bathroom to wash my face and remove as much sand as possible.  Removed all my make-up and went back to work to drop my none issue firearms.

 

Walked into the office of one of the officers as she was looking for the vehicle I was driving.  First she tell me my make-up is still perfect after a long day, and when I revealed I had nothing on, she asked me why I'm wearing make-up if my face is so perfect.  Well its to enhance my looks obviously isn't it.  At least that is what I was thinking.

 

So now the question comes, if others view your face as perfect without make-up does that mean you should not use any, or that you can use it to enhance your looks???

 

Well I feel so much more comfortable with make-up on then without it in public.  It doesnt mean my confidence is so low I can't do without make-up.  It just feels that much more in tune with my body and brain I think, and I'm still comfy as can be.

 

Would I walk without make-up on?  Yes, I sometimes do, even though I don't have a twelve o clock shadow.  But I wear it at work because that is my norm.

 

Then my question to everyone would be.  If you could go a day without make-up, would you???  Okay, you can still wear gloss.  But would you?  That is the question.

 

Reason I can pull of days without make-up are, I do my face as natural as possible the most of the time, my lower eye lids permanently looks like I have eye liner on, my eye lashes always look like I used mascara, and my cheeks are rosier without make-up.  Yes I got natural make-up the day I was born.

 

Ending off.  All I have to say is.  Make-up doesn't define us as human beings.  Being trans we try to blend in as much as possible to cis persons.  But why should we as a collective try to blend in with the world's inadequacies, who says we are not the norm, but just because we the minority in today's age, we are the odd one's out.  Who says we aren't part of evolutionary development and enhancement to show the world, change is good.  Then why should make-up be all that important for us to blend in.

 

Yes I know, the fear of being told you don't belong is great.  The fear of being outed that you aren't naturally born as the gender you identify as.

 

I can't guarantee that I will be around to protect you from the hatred, but I am trying to be as visible as I can without endangering my family, friends and acquaintances.  As I don't fear what can be done to me.  There is also a reason for my twitter, Facebook and Instagram acciunts being set on private, but that is only for promotional purposes as certain of my stances can be interpreted as not in line with being in the police, even though I don't mention political stances, just the human rights side of my stances mentioned at times. 

 

I love and leave you, with this to ponder.  Why do we have to conform to cisgender rules?  Okay, I've always wanted bombs and a vagina, but what if you didn't want to go through all that as I do???  Should you conform to make others comfortable?  Should you make yourself uncomfortable so that the rest of the world can accept you unconditionally?  Well if the world wants you to change, then nothing you do, say, or go through will ever be enough to be accepted by others.

 

Big hugs

Michele

Hi there everyone

 

Its not about being optimistic or pessimistic, it about the way my smile and looks are putting me in hot water at times.

 

I've come to realize that some of my male friends are now also hitting on me, because I've got a perky happy face 90% of the time if not more.  Now they are becoming like horny dogs after my ass too.  Is this a culmination of my smile, facial expression, ass and boobs or just men being like a pack of horny dogs in heat season???

 

With the unknown factor, the unknown men...  That will offer me gifts at an intersection I had to stop.  Start talking to me and saying how much they love me, while just seeing me walking down the street and smiling at them.

 

Should my smile or body freak me out, because I'm not opening myself up to all these horny bugger's.  Or should I embrace the power it gives over men and women in the open field of life.

 

I've decided that flirtation with a beautiful soul, okay sometimes a gorgeous hunk is all that I need to continue with my perfect smile.but therein lies the fault, not all hunks have beautiful souls.

 

So do I smile and get all the beauty that comes with it, or do I think of all horny screwed up persons that bring along flustered situations???

 

Now let me say this, I won't give up smiling and letting my soul trickle through for everyone to see, buy I'm also not incapable of switching to my dragon face that bites off unwanted attention in a flash.

 

Remember, be safe out there.  Walk in pairs and tell a friend where you are gong if you are going alone.  Oh and I should learn to practice what I preach.

 

Hugs

Michele

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Hi all

 

The question always comes up, never mind if you thought you've got control over ever part of your life, there is always something out of sink...  I guess it's natures or life's way of saying that you have a lot to learn girl, just deal with it or parish in your self loathing pity party.

 

The first one I would like to address is...

 

Why did I have to be trans and not cis???

Well, I don't know the answer to that, but it's what my heart, head and well every single part of my body dictates for me.  And if I have to look at it, probably because of the strength I've got on the inside.  Because I wouldn't and couldn't have been so vocal about what I feel if I never experienced any struggles in my life.

 

Yes it was easy for me to know who and what I am today and when I was a child, but that doesn't mean I had it easy either.  My mom with her gang (the two siblings in the middle a brother and sister) that tormented and bullied to get what they want, and me ignoring them for the greater part of my life.  Yes they definitely wanted a CIS sibling that was muscular and a manly man.  Sis on them, but that is probably why I discontinued any sorts of relationships with them for the greater part of my life, and live by a total different set of rules.  And the thing is, I went to a church service a few days ago.  Probably because my wiccan ass needed to find spiritual enlightenment and to find an answer to why I hated myself so or the mood I was in at the time.  Yes, I needed to find out why I was still kicking myself for something.  I found the answer somehow unbeknown to me, and I learned that the most important part of me currently is running on hatred towards myself for allowing what I couldn't stopstop an attack where a car was used..  Yes your hardest criteria are for yourself and no one will take that spot you've been trying to make even if you know, the world dealt you cards and incidentsincidents to either build you stronger, or destroy you because you lost the will to continue the fight.

 

The second part is...

 

Will I ever trust anothers heart with myself???

 

Well as I am growing older, I'm not certain that love is for everyone and that I am destined to be a singleton.  But yes, I am a romantic at heart and think that everyone has a heart out there that completes them.  Yes, I know this to be true, but my trusting issues are holding me back to going out there to do just that.  But that same thing that is known is also the thing in life that puts fear or a bad taste in your mouth.  Then the fact that you are trans and should also find love in life, but let's get it clear that we would love to find that one person that doesn't matter if you are trans or cis and would love and respect you for the pure fact that their is that bond of love between you, that connection that keeps you wanting that person, because you are safe in that relationship.

 

But will I allow this for me, I don't know and currently think that I won't just because of who I am and what I've been through.

 

Third thing I want to address is...

 

Why does your love of things and way you are dictate to people who you are?  Is it subjective or objective???

 

Well I am a trans female and if we look at the way I walk, talk, act and move, you'll see a female moving about and then my love for eating, shooting, cars, firearms, swords, knives (let's just say weapons and get it over with), fighting styles and kicking some guys ass for messing with me.  And yes, I know I can't win every fight, but I sure as hell have won all my fights psychologically even though my butt was kicked by that person.

 

Well subjectively and objectively I still don't know if love is meant for me.

 

Seeing that I said more then enough and left some questions partly answered, I'll say.

 

Be safe in the knowledge that we are loved and need to know who we are and accept what life has in store for you.

 

Hugs and kisses

Michele

Hi all

 

I know, it's all part of the transition.  But does laser hair removal have to sting this much???

 

Okay, so I did it a few minutes ago.  Stung a bit, but I've found better results if you don't shave beforehand.  It's also not like I have hair popping out like daisies on my face and neck.  It is still like a little blotch I've here and there.  I last shaved on Friday, because of a round trip from Cape Town to Upington (over a1000miles) and back.  Didn't think we wouldn't not sleep for a few hours at least and use a bathroom to freshen up.  But instead, we had family time and shopping before getting back into the car (Chevrolet Spark 1.2L, 60kW or 80hp isn't all that much I agree, but the drive was comfortable enough).  Got back and basically just stripped and washed before getting in bed and sleeping the time away.

 

So I lasered my face around 15:00 doing my whole face with the home kit, seeing that there is no salon close to where I live.  Torture myself you say, yes I did, and less the 5 minutes later I was done, at the salon if you show pain they st, so takes about 15 minutes at one.

 

I didn't take the highest setting because, 3 weeks back it left my skin irritated and looking like I was assaulted by my man.  Therefore I moved to the middle setting to not look like a battered wife.

 

I was thinking that if it even leaves me with a light fluff it would be alright, and then I can have electrolysis done to work out that last few kinks of fluff, but if it removes like everything, I'll be elated.

 

I know it is a small fortune to spend on the home equipment or to go to the salon.  But this way, I can zap areas I would feel uncomfortable to open up for other people.  Yes I'm shy to the max.

 

What do you think of the amount of hair still left behind on my face?

 

It should hopefully be gone by June or July, but this is a home kit, so might take longer.  Let me know if you would do this to yourself or not.

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Be safe and look after yourselves ladies.

 

Big hugs and smooches

Michele

Hi all

 

Well, yesterday I had an appointment with my GP.  Got there for a routine checkup and mentioned that my right boob is tender too, checked for lumps can't feel anything, but she is now recommending because my boobs are so dense I should go to have them checked out with sonograms.  But yeah they always start about 10 days before my cramps start and that just seems normal to me.  After that she said, welcome to women problems, boobs feeling sore that time of the month and all the bloatedness that follows.

 

Also need to speak to my mom, but I don't have the energy for that as yet, we might be sitting in a battlefield because of my questions.  Want to find out which hospital she sent me to when I was a week or so old, and retrieve that medical information from there.

 

Blood works are all in order and I am happy that my results are good, and won't want to change to much, just to go off the blockers.  As it all started me gaining to much fat around my gut after the blockers.

 

Well, physically I'm in good shape, and not doing to much to put myself in harms way, medically.  And yes, I need to find a new psychologist again.  Will check how this works for me.

 

Let me get a move on, as I need to get to the boot camp and work on my fitness.  Well, this is what I'm doing so when it comes time for any surgery, to recover as quick as possible.  I will have to look at it in a holistic way.  Fitness for recovery and not to become depressed as fast or have so many fallbacks.

 

This is basically all I had on my mind, and would like to encourage everyone to go to their medical assistants, no matter if it's a GP, Endocrinologist, Psychologist, or any other specialist you need to see.

 

Check you all later, and don't be missing me too much.  Might have started the war or talking to my mom.  Yeah, will then have to enquire from the hospital what they can give me, and if they refuse to send it to me, I'll have my GP request the information.

 

Love and protection

Michele

Hi all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not that many days have past since I gave my last update.

 

Being doing the fitness boot camp as I said, and on Thursday got certificates for attendance.  Wasn't weird that completed it, but then I got the best improved on burpees, lol that was hilarious.  Sat there and thought it was over and here I get called up for another thing.

 

Well, I had on this confused face and all.  Got up and went in because I somehow without knowing it became a couch as well.  And my surprise is, there were people that have been part of the fitness group for months longer then myself and they still just there.

 

I know the dumbstruck look doesnt become me, and I should've reacted with a smile, so I went in for a pose to stay, biatches I did it.

 

What astounds me is the fact it all happened so fast and now my arms are more toned.  By biceps aren't making bulges when relaxed, but I got this girly amount of upper arms.  My abs are also feeling tighter, but not as tight as it was before.  My legs are the same and lucky for me, not sticks.

 

Emotionally I'm definitely doing better, seeing that all the dates I despise are gone now.  Still miss my rock (dad) to bits and pieces.  Still avoiding the scolding eyes and voice of my mom, who decided she needs to try and call me to wish me.  Madam you know better then that.

 

I could also see that my oldest sister felt like crap for not being invited to my younger sister's 40th birthday party.  Do I care that I wasn't invited, not the least.  Seeing that she is part of the entourage that doesn't want me to transition at all and that include the other Ice Queen (mother) and her followers my sister and brother in the center.  My brother is trying to accept it, but only because his wife and in laws are giving him crap about it.  And probably when he tells me danger, I'm the first to appear at his doorstep.  Or it might be my personality.  Then my mom is the youngest from her siblings, and constantly get chowed by her sisters, seeing that her gay brother is gone and they somehow had to learn understanding as children, but is it because I'm defiant, well I don't care that much as I cut myself off when she couldn't handle comforting me when she sneaked in and perused my diary to find out I tried to fight off an attacker (well there is always someone stronger then you) that raped and tried to kill me on my 16th birthday.  Yes, 20 years back and the only thing she could think of was to ground me.  As if I listened and continued on my merry way. (Pity definitely not wanted, it was 20 years ago and I can't think of how I'd be if that never happened.  Yes funny how and ordeal can change a persons perspective on life, or just enhance it that you feel even more obligated to believe in your beliefs, and stand for what you always stood.

 

I regret not starting earlier, because my doctors weren't as helpful as they could be, even though my ex GP confessed that he knew ever since I came there for my first checkup as a teenager.  But he didn't feel it was his place, because my mother is so conservative and seeing that she is his patient, which almost stung.  But hey I could see her supporter group growing, and mine dwindling until I stepped out and said F(bleeeeeeeeeeeeep)ck my world and the pricks living in it, because I'm part of the trans movement.  I'm a strong woman as my dad would see me.

 

Now, my strength can't be taken away from me, because I'm the ruler of my domain.

 

I need to run and cut this short, seeing that I have a meeting.  Yes, it's with a guy, and no!!! It's not a romantic date.

 

Cheer for now.

Michele

 

PS. Some pics of me dying my hair, 2 with lip gloss and without.  Enjoy

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Hi all, haven't been around for a while and yes.  I still hope that everyone is doing well.

 

One of the most recent things that happened was a dreadful birthday, where I was feeling depressed and violated to the extend that I stayed indoors as I got home the day before and didn't leave my bed except for bathroom breaks and eating obviously, (from the Thursday evening till the Monday around noon.  Didn't even answer any calls, just played games on my tablet and basically slept the whole time.

 

I started lasering my face again, and it looked like I was brutally assaulted by someone.  Bruises and swelling from my face to neck.  Not even icing my face worked for the first few hours to stop the burning sensation.  I can't remember that it was this painful before, but I'm writing this down to HRT and fat distribution.

 

I should emphasize that I'm not dating, married or anything in that field with this next piece of information being shared.  Drums please!!!  I've become an instant parent to a teenager, 14 years old to be precise.  This is like throwing me into the deep end at the pool without my floating vest and teaching me to swim.  The last few months was difficult in a sense, but we will see if all our help worked out for his first exam.  Yes a him, and what the hell do I know about boys, other then how to kick their asses in a fight and make their happy stick rise, bleed (part of ass kicking) and throw up. This has been an experience and I'm glad we are three in this endeavor, because the fourth person, the dad is almost never there and we found a t-shirt for him, "I'm on my but now where to be found".  Yes he says he is around the corner and we already know he'll pitch when he finally pitches.

 

Oh, my 11th anniversary started in January and I'm truly furniture in my rank, but luckily I've been around to know more then one field, and wished the exams thing was still in practic, because I'd be way further then what I am now.

 

I also joined a fitness boot camp.  May I laugh already, lost weight but only gained muscle and no inches off my middle, but enjoying it and I'm the naughty girl in the group, okay one of the naughty ladies.

 

Breast development has stopped on an A cup, a 32A.  The endocrinologist I'm using is new to HRT and lucky for me she is willing to learn, unlucky part is I get homework to do.

 

Lastly, I've been super emotional for about three weeks and unfortunitely for the guy that got me crying, flew out the office, without witnesses but only persons seeing him land on his ass outside.  Everyone was shocked as they saw me running out with tears streaming down my face.

 

Now you are all caught up in my life.  So my next blog will be about something relevant other then my emotional breakdowns.

 

Enjoy the day and make sure to look after yourselves.  I'm not there to punch that guy for you girls.

 

 

Hugs and kisses

Michele

I never thought of it like this...

 

Okay, we all probably never thought of it, okay make that the persons who never gave the world a chance to influence and change your gender.  I've always been trapped in a body with a body part belonging to someone else.  And even as a child I would ask everyone, "WHERE DO YOU SEE A BOY, BECAUSE IF YOU TALKING TO ME, I'M NOT LISTENING AS I AM NOT A BOY!!!"

 

So did I give my parents the chance to grieve the loss of a son they never had, or is my mother just trying to be a royal pain in my ass.  Okay, my dad never used the right pronounce, and he treated me as softly as he could.  But I never wanted to be a soft girly girl.  I needed to know how to kick the boys into submission and how to shoot at a target with a proficiency that most grown up would cry over getting.  And how to handle a car and still look like a model on a catwalk.  Yes I am, and I obviously want to stay my daddy's little girl.  And somehow I was treated like all the other girls in the area, because I know he knew that he wouldn't ever get a boy in life from me, unless I come home with a guy.

 

So I came to the conclusion that my mother will never let go of the gender assigned to my birth certificate which I will and can't ever respond, because that will and can't ever be me.  I'm looking down at my lilac nails as I type this and think.  Okay, so she (my mother) is trying to cultivate another interaction like that of my brother with her.  But it will never happen, I would become her last born and the girl she can run to if she could accept me for who I am, but till this happens, I am not going to give me anymore heartaches at trying to convince her that this is for me to be at my best.

 

Hormones is another sore issue with us, as she would like me to stop, and the only time that I actually hear that she sort of cares for me is when I told her that without it I will probably kill myself and not think twice about it, because I can't live as the person that she wants me to be.

 

Okay, this statement will make most people jump at their phone books to call and tell me it's not the end of the world.  Well, let's see how long did it take you to realize that you need to do the changes.  How many suicides are there in the world because of persons not allowed to transition.  I wouldn't kill myself, but I might do something that will still result in me dying (running into a gang fight with no bullet proof vest and get shot, but making certain that I took out as many of them before they could shoot me, and if they can't shoot, I would probably shoot myself through the crotch).  Okay, that is one of the thoughts I have in my head.  But seeing that I know I am the last line of defense for my oldest sister, and I don't want her to be injured or anyone to attack her.  I wouldn't want to leave her behind as I wouldn't be there for her.

 

I have also learned that for every argument I have that I can die, I have an argument to stay alive, because if I don't do the fight that others are afraid of to do, who will do it and how will the nation I live in ever decide to change the way they treat us as human beings.

 

Yes, I am not going to do anything to me, because I need to keep on with a fight in the world.  First South Africa and later, move into other nations because, equality is the way forward, not the way people want to change everyone.

 

Cheers, stay safe and love life.

Michele H

I know the title will sound like I'm rethinking something, and seeing that this is a Transgender blog, I might be thinking that I am doing the wrong thing.  But no, don't be hassling me to change for you please.  I am perfectly Michele as I am, just need a few minor modifications, make that minor modifications in the form of surgeries.

 

I'm currently the fleet manager as I said in a previous blog.  This 8-4 thing is killing me as I'm use to the 6-6 thing and after 2 days and 2 nights I would normally be off and have 4 days to myself.  Now this Monday to Friday thing is kind of a drag and also exiting, because I am the member in charge and the flack all comes my direction.

 

What I'll never miss about working shifts is the targets they have...  Yes, the station is now target orientated only in arrest and not in the form of how good you deal with the community and the relationships that you build up to them.  Just how many police initiated arrest you performed.  So it was always this way on shifts, you start work and you go home not worrying about tomorrow, but now you have worries more about performance, and you know what...  One day you may have 20 arrest and the next none.  It's the role of the dice with police initiated arrested.

 

So I'm sleeping more and my body is actually building a cycle of sleep and when I should wake up, and I never had this for the last 10 years almost 11 if you looking at it that way.  I didn't have a cycle.

 

I've ditched my uniform that will just be hanging in my cupboard till I work operations with others.  NOOOOOOOOOO,it doesn't mean I ditched my firearm because I am wearing civilian wear, I'm still driving marked vehicles and I'm not going to put myself in crap when someone starts shooting at my vehicle, I want a fighting chance of survival.

 

Now, you know what.  I've almost always been called Miss or Mrs with longer hair.  My hair isn't that long for me and I love that my face and body is giving my personality and image a pure view of me as a female.  I've been told that a girl shouldn't wear a firearm, and that it is a mans toy or weapon, which just make me look like a butch lesbian.

 

Again a butch lesbian, I am told.  Well the one that told me that my weapon can be taken from me fast, looked at me and said.  I change my opinion, you are fast to draw and cock the weapon one handed.  He thought that I would be to soft and scream at everything, before running away.

 

Okay I'm trying to catch you up on what happened in the last month with just small burst of thoughts being thrown at you to give some insight in my life.

 

I was also told to not reveal that much to the world,because it would leave me vulnerable to attack.  But my views on being attacked with something that everyone else knows, is nothing.  Because it's not a secret and what has been reveal and not been concealed to hide from the world.  Will and can never hurt me.

 

Enough of me rambling on and you not getting a fix on where I am, so cheers for now.  Be safe and take care of yourself.

 

Love and protection from Michele H

 

Ps...  Question, how do you view this???  My friend's birthday was the other day and her father passed away on the same day???  Well she is looking at it in a positive light, which I didn't see till she pointed it out to me.  It might be sad to lose your father or someone close to you on your birthday, but form now on, she will be rejoicing in the life her father lived for the rest of her life on her birthday and that of her father's birthday.  I know on my father's anniversary of the day he passed away, I always start crying as I miss him.  I have never looked at death of a loved one as a happy occurrence.

Okay, on day one I was exhausted and still went to the gym.

 

This week I managed to go to the gym 3 days with my friend.  One I couldn't go because I had to attend to a work function.

 

What I noticed on Wednesday was.  Meeting day is a crappy day to be at the station.  I should thank the heavens that I wasn't put in charge of typing the minutes as well.  I hate doing minutes.

 

I had to sit in some meeting that was super boring.  And another where I call it a crap out parade.  Shame this one Captain just seems to not be in the good books at all.

 

On a brighter note.  My Colonel is back, after having a triple bypass and I would have told him to stay at home seeing that the wounds have not as yet all healed, and he developed some infections.  But how can you tell a workaholic to stay away from work, if that is one of the things that is making him sick and depressed.  So when he says I must drive him somewhere, I just get a vehicle and drive him.

 

I think he is more open about things with me as I am open about myself with him.  After he was informed that I dated, he initially jumped to a time I dated someone around the corner from his house, whom was also in the police at that time and abusive.  I should be glad that I didn't tell him that ex is in jail now, or he would've blown a gasket.  In that breakup I need the protection of my Colonel to make certain that that guy stay away from me.  He showed how protective he can be over me and then his friend the commander of that person also had to intervene, because I didn't realize I was dating a psycho, until he became abusive to the extent of punching me a few times and going for a firearm to quiet me up, because no amount of hitting me can make me go quiet.  Actually I defended myself, but couldn't get to my phone for help to arrive.  I should say, fortunately for me, I had my firearm on me that day, or things would've been different.  What I mean by that, I would've been shot, if I didn't have my unique place of pointing a firearm to make any CIS or Transgender Male drop their weapons in fear of losing their little guy.  I walked out and as I drove off that day I called to say, don't bother calling me or trying to see me, no person threatens my life or hits me to return into my life without being an arrested suspect.

 

Long story short, I need to run.  Just got an urgent call.  Will continue on this later.

Last night I was informed that the one I'm dating is going away for a month or more.  I'm not the dependent type of person, but it's giving me the sensation of sadness and that my boo is way too far to touch.  And me vocalizing this feeling made him stress about it too.

 

What I know for certain is, his family decided on him to go help out at family and the ones that decided aren't aware of our relationship or at least not aware of how I look.  Make that his whole mom's side of the family, as I've been exposed to his dad's side and the battle of me winning them over or proving that we are a good couple was won on first impressions, one side down, another to go.

 

What's bothering me is he'll be away and about seven to eight hours worth of drive if not more.  I first need to find out if they are talking about 120km/h (75mph) or at a greater speed then the legal speed limit.  Which is almost giving me a sense of anxiety.  But we grew closer in the last few months of knowing each other and we will just have to see what this family obligation will hold in store for us.

 

Why are relationships so complicated???  I also know the saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder.". But the more we had this discussion the more reluctant he is seeming to go help his family, which I don't want.  Maybe he is fearing me dumping him for being so far away.

 

The thing I'm worried about, it will be his first birthday together with me and will he truly be back by then.  No I didn't change my leave planning for him as yet, as we still have to gel more according to me, and then we can start planning our life together.  And family does come first especially if they are the supportive kind, and he is supper attached to his family.  Where I am the one only attached to some of my family, especially my oldest sister (even though we have an age gap of 16 years, she was the first to know I never identified as male, but we've been open about most of our feelingsfeelings as we have been open since before I was four years when we discussed me not being a boy), and then my sister in law and her oldest daughter I call my child.  I'm actually closer to my brother's in laws then my own family, weird.

 

So getting back to my feelings.  I would love to have him to myself, but I know I'm sharing him with his family and he doesn't give any two or even how million F#@ks about anybody disapproving of our relationship.  Still I'm getting a sense his mom was the deciding factor in this matter, because we never met and we don't have a relationship as yet.

 

Well I worry about the whole thing, or if anything is about to happen, as all relationships need a time apart to see if it will work.

 

Now that is my 2cents worth of thoughts on this.

 

 

Live life, love yourself, and be who you've always been.

 

I'm out

Michele

Hi there all.

 

I have mentioned that I was applying to an internal post at work, and that it implies that I will by an acting fleet manager.

 

On the 30 September 2015 I was officially informed that my application for the post was successful.  The amazing part was, that all my competition were butch guys and little feminine old me won the race, and I didn't come second, third or any other number other then number 1.

 

I started on 7 October 2015 at 07:30 and my first day was a blast.  I enjoyed the new challenges that were thrown my way.  And day one ended exhausted and going to the gym with a friend.  But I enjoyed every second of it.

 

On day two, I found new damages to a vehicle and had to write persons for damaging the vehicles.  I know that you can feel and possibly strip one nut of the wheels and not the rest.  So I was super pissed off when all six on the one wheel were stripped and good.

 

Today we started out sorting the vehicles and I ended up helping to clear an office my previous commander was in and an even older commander will be occupying.  I am so glad that I am getting him back that I want to see if he answers me, but I don't want to be dissed or not answered because, I don't know if he is ready for the work he will need to do.

 

I am now done with day three and all is well, I had my targets performed for the day and I'm systematically sorting out the backlog of the previous regime, but I should also know, there was not commander in that post for about a year.  So it is remarkable that I have maintained the quality of standards that I would want in a work place.

 

Okay, what I am doing is to get all the things my boss would want, and that is my priority, but secondary function is to make certain that the vehicles on the police station are running and all in working order.  I am doing this because, i need my people to take care of the vehicles and not to make me look like a fool around the guys.  What made me laugh was, one of the guys I worked with saw me and made it clear that he is looking at my boobs as I am busy working on attempting to fix a flat.  I laughed because I know he is harmless and if he messes with me, I will go to his wife and she will inadvertently sort him out.

 

The thing that keeps me feeling like my shift is still loving me is...  The one is telling me to never return to the shift because I decided to leave.  But then our captain needed help and I told her, I don't need to help him and I can just get in my car and drive home as my time is up at work.  The next thing I know is I get grabbed from behind and hugged, and they telling me how they missing me and I have only left them.  Their days are quieter and no one is around to make them think on their feet, so they aren't even getting excitement.  They missing me for my administrative skills, and my knowledge in the field as a functional uniform member that that knows my complaints, the books, how to deal with a complaint, take statements, certifications, and overall to deal with prisoners and the community on a whole.  They missing me as it is feeling like the ship is sinking and the one that always had control of the pumps to ensure that the ship never flooded or even took up any water, has gone.

 

Yes I am proud of myself for getting the post above all, the men that were just as capable as me in vehicle knowledge.  The only thing they beat me in was that I don't have a truck license and don't intend to get one.  I like and prefer to be driving only cars.  Would I change my decision now that I have had a little taste of what is to come.  I don't think so.  I am enjoying myself to much and I don't think I would change it for the world.

 

So my career is taking off and my love life too.  Good for me.

 

.

Cheers for now people.  I'm out.  I am falling asleep in front of the computer.

Night from #TransIsBeautiful #FemaleStrength #LovingYourself

Michele

Seeing that I have the time on my hands let make this one clear.

 

For 5 days out of the month, I am on a lower dosage of estrogen, and it kinda makes me cranky as hell.  Reason being is that I have decided to go the medically induced period cycle, and I know it is motha of all hell pain cramps, because I've always had these cramps from my 9th birthday.  Some months it's good and I'm just cranky as hell.  Other months it is so bad, I cramp and start crying from the pain.  But I know it is now in tune with my body cycle and I will just have to deal with the cramps, being pissy to people, crying for no apparent reason, and being needy over those days.  Oooh don't let me go into the don't touch me mode.  Then not even Thor with all his strength will be immortal, as I will crush his spirit into a painful mere mortal death.

 

What does this mean for me as in a whole with a relationship???  Okay, it's the first time we together and this cycle has come, so I warned him of the possible side effects.  Yes, FX is on.

 

What I believe and what Jazz's mom tells her in I am Jazz is right.  Be honest about who you are, because there are evil people out there.  And her parent's are constantly worrying about her ever finding love with a guy or girl that respects her.  I also hope that she gets what she needs in life, and I hope that for me too.

 

Would it have been easier if I was medically inducing my periods from a young age like Jazz, maybe.  But on the other side,  I would not have known that people can be so cruel because they don't understand the changes we as transgender persons have to endure just to feel whole.  But I also hope that the earlier changes for the young teenagers are going to put them on a more level playing ground with the rest of the world.

 

My cramps and my pms, on the other end of the scale is unique.  As I don't think many transgender females naturally produced so much estrogen like I did which put me on an advantage to feel body changes on the inside that others had to wait to experience...  Okay I struggled to grow breast,  am still on only an A cup and at least the cups are the fuller A's then the partial A's they were.  But I also knew that I would end up here.  Because my family has breast sizes ranging from A cup to FFF Cups.  The ones with the big breast are also the idiots in my family.  I stood in the line for more smarts then a voluptuous body.

 

No I am not saying that big breast and blonds are idiots by nature, only the big breasted women in my family are idiots.  And they think that sex sells and men will do anything just because of some breast and giving them the cookie jar.

 

I love that I can still creatively thing of names for things that would just sound to crude at any given moment.

 

Okay, the last thing about me being on the period cycle of hormones are, I want my body to simulate a natural female body with hormones and in doing so assist with the development I am going through.  And it has made a big difference from the 18 months of straight hormone high to period cycle.  I have developed more, and it has kept my migraines more at bay.

 

To all have a good day.  Be safe, and think before you do.  I have discussed this before I did it.

 

Cheers for now

Michele with love

Hi there all

 

I know I haven't been on in the resent weeks and I am to blame.  Well you'll see what is to blame as I continue this entry....

 

So, I have been chatting to this guy and thought that he is cool and everything.  Till the awkward part came of him asking me to meet him.  We continued our cheerful banter and I didn't let that phase me.  As luck would have it, I was busy chatting to a girlfriend about my gender and she being understanding and him at the same time.  Yes,  I did the blooper.  A message of how to explain gender, which was meant for her ended up going to him and he replies by asking if I am serious that I am transgender.  When I confirmed what I by mistake told him, as I had a softer approach planned for him on the same evening.  He shocked me with his answer, "Well does this change you?  Because if you can show me how this changes your personality and everything about you that I like.  I will except that it wasn't meant to be to meet you."

 

We continued chatting and he didn't become abrasive or mean towards me in the weeks that followed, just more understanding and still sending me my kisses and hugs over the messaging system that we use.  He asked if we could meet.  Just before we met, I was thinking is this a good idea.  What if he just played me and wanted to assault or kill.  Or what if he lied about how he looked.  This and a million other question ran through my head.

 

ETA to meet, crap is here.  Not even me approach him, but he approaches me and gives me the hugs that I said he owed and which he said I owed him.  Looked him up and down and saw that he actually looks like the person that he said he is.  The conversation continues and he sounds like the person I was chatting to.  Okay, I never heard his voice and language that he used just sounded like him.  Yes, he also looked me up and down.  And he looks at me funny, "I'm not what you expected was I.  Did I lie to you.  But damn girl you are even sexier in real life that what your pictures made you out to be."  I had to convince him that it was only that he didn't lie to me that was making me awe struck by him and that he is actually just refreshing to chat too.

 

We spent that evening together and chatted the whole night.  He leaned in and I was all, what the hell in my head to allowing my body to play along.  He kissed me full on mouth and..... Yes, I liked it.  I really like the kiss I received from him.  Before the sun even came out a question was posed to me, "Would you be my girlfriend?"  I looked like I could probably faint and he just looked at me and said something like, am I that ugly, and can you only see us as friends or more.  As he turned his head away, I pulled him closer and kiss him.  All I could say was, YES!!!  He looked at me as if to say, you just saying so not to hurt me.  I kissed him again to show that our kisses are passionate and that I actually meant what I said.

 

Hey, we were getting to know each other over multimedia and it turned out to be the same persons.  Just me talking slightly less, okay more like 50% of the time I spoke and speak on multimedia.  I explained that this is for him to actually get in some words before I take over my part of talking in real life too.

 

So far, he has introduced me to one of his grandmother's, uncle, and aunts of his father's side.  Yes, nieces and cousins were home too.  He even left me alone with his gran to see how we would communicate.  Ooooh he got, it after that, because he didn't even prepare me that he was doing this.

 

What I thought of him asking me was.  It will be a week or so of dating according to him and then just leave me to my own defenses again.  Not introduce me to his family as I am now a fixture in his life.  Shocker, I would say.

 

What he made clear was that he is stubborn and I would have to be submissive to him.  What I made clear is, I am also stubborn and me being submissive will never work for me.  So we should decide on which topics I am going to win and on which topics he is going to win.

 

I know his favorite foods, colors and why he is into red and black.  International soccer team is Manchester United, and international rugby team is All Blacks.  His local rugby team for sevens as he said are the Crusaders.  Don't ask me about sports as I told him, because I am only going to be watching the asses that are running past me on the field and nothing else.  I was also told that I will watch sports with him.  I told him, only if I get something out of the deal.  He said that I got him and I should appreciate the man that decided I am the only one for him.

 

Well let me see.  I man that is almost 10 years younger, and lucky for him I'm born early in the year and he late in the year, because if he refused to be born in December, he would've been 10 years younger.  He also says, I should be so paranoid about me being 9 years older then him.  If the age bothered him, he would've not asked me to be his girlfriend.

 

In this weeks he has made me realize that he is making me accept the world more.  And that me being older is nothing, because I wouldn't even have thought of it if he was 9 years older then me.  He is making me also see that I am the only person that make him happy.  Funny enough, he gave me the password on his cellphone and I said, but it's not my place to scratch on his phone just as it isn't his place to scratch on mine.  But still everything that I he most probably would've wanted to see if he was possessive over me, I showed him and he showed me.

 

The one thing I don't tell him, is that I sometimes have altercations with suspects and as a female (and a person with no testosterone in my body) I find it difficult to fight men and not get injured.

 

But I'm digressing.  I am currently happy in a relationship.

 

Yours sparkling

Michele

Let met get it clear from the start, my friend is pregnant with twins (boy and girl) and Baby Dady is taking up my time again...

 

Since she and this guy have been dating she didn't tell me it's serious and therefore I never met him.  Then all of a sudden he is a permanent ficture and messing up our talking crap, dinner dates, movies nights, sleep overs, and baby shopping time.

 

Okay, doesn't men know or realize that girls need to hang and not be bothered at times.  And doesn't he realize they going to have a lot of sleepless nights coming after November???

 

He has already asked a friend of his to be godparent and now she must still decide on who the lucky or unlucky person is.  I'm already calling the girl my baby that kicks ass, and the boy the softer one.  But they both apparently kicking and punching mommy left to right and also head budding her bladder.  How I wish I could go through that.  But would I want to be involved in a relationship or take it as a singleton.  It's hard enough to be in a relationship to juggle both.

 

So actually this isn't about me always wanting to have a child and carry it full term.  It's more that Alistair is taking up so much time that I can't see my friend, which I am missing like crazy.

 

The same friend that freaked when I said I need a new GP and Endo!  Who made herself vocally heard in her distrust in South African surgeons, and not wanting me to go here for anything remotely close to major surgery in SRS.

 

The same friend when I started HRT said, bloody finally you started, but are you certain you trust your doctors.  Don't you want someone else to handle your hormones.

 

The first person to know how much the hormones cost, as she went with a few times.  The most annoying one when it comes to someone wanting me to date a man.  She kinda knows most of the fixed requirements and she has been occupied so much she doesn't know the picture kinda changed in the mean time, after making out with a friend who is considerably shorter then me.  Yes I call anything under 1.7m short, that I'm 1.74m (5'8&1/4), he is like 5'5.

 

NO THIS ISNT MEANING ANYTHING LIKE THAT I'M DATING THIS GUY!  WE FRIENDS AND WE HAVE A SEXUAL ATTRACTION, BUT WE ALSO DONT WANT TO LOSE OUR FRIENDSHIP WHICH IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEVERMIND WHAT WE SAY, IF WE VENTURE INTO THAT TERRITORY.

 

So kinda shorter has joined my criteria, but also only if there is respect, attraction and a whole lot of va va boom.

 

Wonder when I'll be seeing my friend, and when I'll get to see our little one's.

 

Funny, I started moaning about not seeing her, but realized how much we share, unless we know that it can be sort of flaunting and to much of a visual expression for the other to deal with.  We stay quiet, even though visually we can deal with corpses and being shot on at work.  Lol

 

All I can reiterate is, I miss my blooming friend.  This guy is making our relationship unreliable as she is now never there for me!  Bloody penis that impregnated her!!!

Everyone will ask why you asking about chocolates, right.  Actually wrong.

 

I've never been bound by race or religion, when it came and still comes to men intriguing me.  But I've always had a thing for someone taller and bigger body structured then my 1.74m (5ft8) structure and around 140Lbs.  The top criterion above all else, is he needs to have respect, love and adoration for me.

 

Okay, I grew up in a time when interracial relationships were a no no, but I am grateful my dad crossed all boundaries of interracial friendships.  Say something inappropriate in front of me, and I'll put you on your place.

 

That's probably why, all I need a man to be, is himself and respectful towards others.  If I like you, it's because of qualities you have, and loving you means our qualities are strengthened by our relationship with each other and I wNt to around you every second I can, with me time for friends.

 

So leave me alone if the guy I choose is darker then me, because he might have been lighter, then you'd be worried over me dating him.

Made a date to massage a friend.  Well that was easy as I owed him, and all the latest people I have met, I haven't as yet disclosed to that I'm trans and pre op.

 

His options were as I gave were:

Deep muscle massage;

Normal massage; or

Uhm massage.

 

Without him knowing the uhm is a kinky massage, he chose it as a super deep muscle massage where he would moan, and were we moaning.

 

Got to his place.  He is a little bit shorter then me, and I like him.  Got my hug, and my usual spot was taken by work waiting to be reviewed by him.  So I sat next to him.  My hair ended up a mess as I rested my head on his stomach.  Got a sort of strip dance and I liked the none muscular body he has.  He is a runner.  I mentioned that we should probably proceed with the massage, and up the stairs to the best spot, his bedroom.

 

Here is where it gets interesting.

 

I gave him a deep muscle massage with me fully clothed and him covered with underwear only...  I got him to moan and his uhm, umtondos (Xhosa word for penis) show'd signs of enjoyment.  I just continued with the massage, until I was grabbed and kissed.  Knees were weakened and my resistance were failing after my top and bra were removed.  He voiced concerns of me being oiled in the process.

 

Now somewhere in between the massage and making out I didn't want him to stop, but I couldn't work out even how to allow my brain and mouth to have the discussion, making me flustered as hell and I was later informed possibly intimidated by a friend whom knows both of us for over a decade each.  But the two of us only met in the year and we never had this discussion, just had wonderful conversations.  With me struggling to talk about my gender, a first for me.  I couldn't stop the make out session, not that I wanted it to stop or his hands all over my body, we had to remind us that he needs to sleep and me in his bed, will cause both of us not to sleep.  Why did I start something I don't want to stop?

 

And I end off with a question posed to my friend.  How the hell do I have this discussion, about the metamorphosis of my body, seeing that I'm still in the cocoon?  All I know is, this will have to be discussed as I might have entangled myself in his snare.  And he is a yummy snare I can see myself involved with.

Got asked about documentation my mom couldn't find, so I handed her what I stored away in the safe.  After finding the documents, I reiterated that it might be difficult to do what she wants as my gender marker and first name are being changed slightly.  And all I got was, it's your life and your problem when I'm dead.

 

I've always known my support came from my father, so with the lack of support from the one we call Hammie (what my siblings and I call our mother).  But I also know, that out of guilt I am mentioned in a will I want nothing to do with.  I also know as the last born, my responsibilities to listen to my immediate elders input, I should listen and react as desired, but as with all families you need to walk your own path towards your happiness and fulfillment.

 

In this short piece I'm just trying to say, don't let negative or cold shoulders or emotionally detached family dictate what makes you happy and whole.  If you do follow what they want of you or let their attitudes dictate you feeling depressed because they seem like the only people in your life that should care for you.  DONT LET YOUR FAMILY FORCE YOU INTO SOMETHING THAT IS MAKING YOU UNHAPPY, AS THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE CORNER STONES IN YOUR LIFE THAT SUPPORTS YOU IN ALL PARTS OF YOUR LIFE.  And if you have that support, be grateful, you were granted a support structure you can call at any time.

 

Much love...

Michele

Why tears.  Well I've always been an emotionally strong woman.  Yes, strong as in vocalizing what I think and how I do thigs, as well as not needing a Knight to save me I can save him too...  I'm a fighter after all.

 

Well in the last month I've been disciplined for not informing my commander about a lone child on street late at night!  I asked if that wasn't part and parcel of my work to serve and protect, and if so.  Give me a written instruction stating I should leave a defenseless five year olds on the street at 22:00 or anytime when I find a small child unsupervised.  Disciplinary actions immediately stopped as no commander wants to be held responsible as the person who instructed members under them to disregard the safety of their community let alone that of children.  But yes, that was in an emotional state of, I love children and no one is going to stop me when it comes to the future grown ups, because without them who are going to ensure our safety.

 

Now for my tears...

 

I got angered by family and friends, and my realization has come that only persons I have allocated a space in my heart can bring me to tears.  So some apparent reason this has always eluded me.  I'm hard, but soft to the touch, easy to look at and a major pain in the butt if need to bring my point over.

 

I've also found that children and animals are a sore point for me when mistreated.  Even though I despised my moms dog for wanting to kill my Labrador and almost succeeding and biting me before I went into fighting mode.  But that was self preservation on my part, I couldn't bring myself to say I'll miss him as he was euthanized, but started sobbing over Mike the Labrador who passed on years ago.

 

Does this make me emotionally stinted, as I can't comfort someone close to me in grieving.  I know I can blame my brother who didn't even allow me to grieve after my father's passing, which ended with my foot in a demanding priests face, as he tried to take something from me.  

 

But silent tears still flowed when the missing gets to much.  Tears flowing when I'm angry is even worse because that means I want to punch someone., but those also only flows if I care about the person, but I don't want to see or hear from them till I'm ready for that person.

 

The one most of us hate would be tears that makes us revert to wanting to bobe alone.  At that time to many emotions are attacking me just want to be alone.

 

Today's was that I wanted to release some anger I'm feeling towards a friend for calling me dumb when I couldnt find a him or the place we were going to.  GPS didn't work either, nor the number of the place.  Well I'm done with bitching for a bit, let me get ready for Eid as I have Muslim family and friends.  Eid Mubarak to all, and have a blessed and heart felt day.

 

Michele is out......

Generally Speaking

 

No matter if you CIS, Trans, Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Queer.  All of us went through the phase of exploration.  Be it to discover your gender or sexuality or which careers we wanted to follow, because you don't look, behave or think like everyone else you talk to.  Sometimes, not even your parents have an answer for you, make that most of the times.  And when you finally got an answer from somewhere, it takes us all different timeframes to accept or initiate the change we so desired from a young age, but we just didn't understand.

 

NOW WE HAVE ME, A TOTAL 180 DEGREES FROM MOST PERSONS

 

I knew who and what I was, even if I didn't have a name for it as a child.

 

If you looked at the major age gap between my father and I, but I can definitely say 54 years age difference wasn't big at all.  We understood each other, although at times some of the questions asked were formulated for a different era.  I wasn't judged or ridiculed by him.  He rather taught me, a human being never mind being female or male should be capable of respecting each other and being respected by others, and his children should be capable of taking care of themselves as we should be independent.  But not afraid to ask for assistance when we don't know.  And that's why we have each other.  We perfectly paired off as sibling, each with their own strengths and weaknesses in our individual groups, or unified.

 

So as a child of four years old, I already had the discussion of me having the big surgery to align my body with my brains and feelings.  Yes I was advanced in certain areas and others I just refused to act my age.  I remember wishing and praying that I would be changed before I go to school or become a grown up.  I remember begging to be changed before high school. But nothing happened, where my dad was my rock, my mom always seemed to be blocking my every move, she is more reluctant to understand, but she is 17 years younger then my dad.  And if it was due to pain, it's mine not hers and I have decided to pursue my happiness not someone else's.

 

Not like I've ever asked her permission to be myself.  Because I knew whatever would happen to me, my mother would tell me it's because I'm refusing to abide by her rulesrules and that of society.  Screw that, I was taught to live my life for me as long as I have respect, but never bow down or out.  That's why I've always been closest with my father and oldest sister.  I think he understood because of his Native American heritage.  My dad would defend me by saying that I knew a lot more then other children, that I'm not confused or indoctrinated, and that a child can't want the same thing for decades and be confused.

 

My goals were kept from me the day my father left his corporeal being for the spiritual world to watch over us.  Yes, I do believe in different plains of existence.  But I re-iniated when I was old enough, softening the blow of my completeness.

 

I've always been allowed to be myself, free from the binding of normal life.  Free to explore if my heart so desires.  Free to be the women I have always been.  I've almost been a closet case, but my teachings and integrity which my dad taught me was important to me always came out.

 

Now, I hear the question coming from all corners.  If he lived, why didn't he allow the change early?  Well, answer is easy, his  five foot tall wife was the one that always stood in the way of my happiness to change.  Another question looming, must be...  If she was the one to prolong everything in your life, do you love her as your mother?  Obviously yes, but because of her and some of my siblings, I grew colder at times.  None responsive and well primarily more of a loner, knowing that I don't need anyone to be happy, but I would still love to have a child.  But I fear the irreparable damage some parent have on their children, and would I be that closed minded as my mother.

 

She knows, but do I care about approval, not in a million years.  I have always been loved for being me, the girl I am inside and presenting to the world.  Would I change for anyone, YOU MUST BE CRAZY NOW!!!

 

Now who know me better then me.

Have I ever said I'm one of the numbskulls that don't understand flirting when it's directed at me...  WELL I AM THE WORST KIND IN HISTORY.

 

Let me start by saying this wasn't my intentions.  Okay, I thing I had a massive undertone of want you.  But I ever said it directly or even partially or remotely in person...  Am I even remotely upset that he found out. Not in the least' so wanted im to be single and focussed on me, oh well NOT YET.

 

I am kinda disappointed in the fact that I didn't hide all that well.  Maybe this is the year that I'm fedup  with being single, that I cofidently approached him.  So, don't shoot the heart that was looking at a desireable ora.  Can I actually ad to this, uhm yes.  I'm being hunted by some men I don't take as worthy of me.

 

LOL' now the quality isn't available.

Even people.

 

Clearly this is a clothes issue.  Yes, 137Lbs almost 138Lbs have a problem with certain clothes.

 

Not a problem buying.  No women can't tell me how a shop or card works.  Todays issue is getting in my clothes.

 

As I previously informed you, I was on a physical course and seemed like I lost weight.  Not the case.  Weird right.

 

Today, I grab a jeans, 32inches, and the bugger didnt want to go over my bum.  My lady humps were in the way of my jeans.  I pulled harder, and what I only saw on TV of a woman jumping and bouncing around as she struggled to get that small ass into what obviously is a size to small pants.  Was me this morning.

 

Funny part is that same pants had breathing space two weeks back.  Why the hell the elves tailor my clothes and forgot to take it out last night so I could get in again.

 

Do you want to know a secret...   After HRT started, my body has grown in weight and circumference too.  I've always had an ass, and only people that put their hands on me realized my butt was bigger then what my clothes allowed them to see.  My ass are illusionist.

 

 

So as my breast grow, my ass proportionally grows.  My middle has gained and lost inches, and always returns to what I originally started off with.  I do have a 34 jeans in my cupboard, make that 3, so I'm prepared for my bums growth, but I'll never get use to bouncing to get my pants on.

 

Reason being, what if I sleep out, and my partners younger brother or sister or mother walks in.  Okay, their father would be gawking at my tits, but a quick get away won't be possible as I can't even get it up, my pants you filthy minded man (give me a call we think alike).

 

So my qualms aren't about the exercise to get in, but the awkwardness it might give me.

 

 

I know I've got a sexy body, but do I want the whole world, or the world of the one I like and fell for to see my body too?  I don't think so...

 

As apparently was proven to me tonight at a friends again.  They walk around as if it's nothing when they come from the bathroom.  Oh freaken hell no.  My naked body is only to be viewed by the one I love in that way and loves me that way back.  Old fashioned, but hey its me.  Okay and occasionally my doctor when examining me, but in that instance my lover is allowed with inside.

 

Hard to believe I can't do this exhibitionist thing, even with me showing my structure of my body in pictures.

 

Cheers from South Africa.

I went for a Tactical Survival Techniques course last week.  Before going I was warned that a specific instructor would be harder on me because I'm from his previous station and had harsh words with him.

 

Yes, I had harsh words with him, but I helped him with things he couldn't do, so would he truly be a dick to me.  And the answer is kinda.

 

Kinda, because he made me take the biggest tyre and run with it.  My first request was a smaller tyre, he said no and I'd understand later why he said so.  I almost cried because of the pain and the uncomfortability of where the tyre was hanging from on my shoulder.

 

I am reminding you that I'm only 62kgs (136.7Lbs) at the end of the course.  I started off on 60kgs (132.3Lbs), and 5ft8.  And yes it looked like I lost weight.

 

It was me and another flower between 12 thorns.  The thorns were protective of us.  Would I survive these guys I thought.  I did, and most were massive blokes close to 100kgs (220Lbs).

 

Okay, the first day I didnt utilize the bathrooms as I usually avoid bathrooms altogether.  But on the second day we needed to change.  The other rose I told, I don't use male bathrooms as I'm not male, and she was understanding.  After that, I started finding more and more women in the bathroom when I went to change.  The guys that normally have a problem, was so glad probably that I wasn't sharing their space that they just stayed quiet as the women already spoke and declared me part of their clan.  Multiple courses were run at the same time.

 

On the second day when I couldn't handle my tyre no more, two guys unknown to me still at that time were very supportive and encouraging and within my age group.  (I made it my point to find out who the oldest was and where I fitted in as my body just doesn't function as usual on a course.  The second oldest and the longest service of all the course goers in my group.)

 

On the third day I became vocal about my phobias as we had to climb on the rooftop and come down like a spider.  Do I look like a spider, I dont think so.

 

The safety drills and procedures were fed and repeated into my brains and aching muscles, even me utilizing a firearm with my right hand.  Uncomfortable to draw here people, I use my left hand.  (Subsequently got interrogated as to why I only write with my right hand at work.  I am ambidextrous, but too keep coherency I use it like that at work.)

 

Well, I passed the theoretical section.  And when it came to the physical section, I was inadvertently the leader.  All because of my BIG MOUTH.  My team performed remarkable, and we covered each others asses.

 

Now, what impressed me most was.  Whenever someone referred to me in a masculine way, they would correct themselves or that person, and refer to me in a feminine way.  They even wanted to learn, which showed that they are attempting to understand because of me.

 

Well, the whole group passed the course.  Never mind that it was tough, grenades and an assault rifle going off as we had to learn and perform our duties.  Yes the grenades were thrown between us and we had to be super vigilant.

 

Does this make me a better performer outside in a dangerous scenario.  Oh yes, and I can't wait for the 3week course.  I'm not sleeping by the guys, as I already use female spaces only.  Male spaces are to be naughty and frisky.

 

Enough rambling, this course was painful yet exciting.  I sustained bruises that looked like I was on the receiving side of an assault.  Would this girl do or go through pain like this again.  Obviously yes.

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