Got asked about documentation my mom couldn't find, so I handed her what I stored away in the safe. After finding the documents, I reiterated that it might be difficult to do what she wants as my gender marker and first name are being changed slightly. And all I got was, it's your life and your problem when I'm dead.
I've always known my support came from my father, so with the lack of support from the one we call Hammie (what my siblings and I call our mother). But I also know, that out of guilt I am mentioned in a will I want nothing to do with. I also know as the last born, my responsibilities to listen to my immediate elders input, I should listen and react as desired, but as with all families you need to walk your own path towards your happiness and fulfillment.
In this short piece I'm just trying to say, don't let negative or cold shoulders or emotionally detached family dictate what makes you happy and whole. If you do follow what they want of you or let their attitudes dictate you feeling depressed because they seem like the only people in your life that should care for you. DONT LET YOUR FAMILY FORCE YOU INTO SOMETHING THAT IS MAKING YOU UNHAPPY, AS THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE CORNER STONES IN YOUR LIFE THAT SUPPORTS YOU IN ALL PARTS OF YOUR LIFE. And if you have that support, be grateful, you were granted a support structure you can call at any time.
Why tears. Well I've always been an emotionally strong woman. Yes, strong as in vocalizing what I think and how I do thigs, as well as not needing a Knight to save me I can save him too... I'm a fighter after all.
Well in the last month I've been disciplined for not informing my commander about a lone child on street late at night! I asked if that wasn't part and parcel of my work to serve and protect, and if so. Give me a written instruction stating I should leave a defenseless five year olds on the street at 22:00 or anytime when I find a small child unsupervised. Disciplinary actions immediately stopped as no commander wants to be held responsible as the person who instructed members under them to disregard the safety of their community let alone that of children. But yes, that was in an emotional state of, I love children and no one is going to stop me when it comes to the future grown ups, because without them who are going to ensure our safety.
Now for my tears...
I got angered by family and friends, and my realization has come that only persons I have allocated a space in my heart can bring me to tears. So some apparent reason this has always eluded me. I'm hard, but soft to the touch, easy to look at and a major pain in the butt if need to bring my point over.
I've also found that children and animals are a sore point for me when mistreated. Even though I despised my moms dog for wanting to kill my Labrador and almost succeeding and biting me before I went into fighting mode. But that was self preservation on my part, I couldn't bring myself to say I'll miss him as he was euthanized, but started sobbing over Mike the Labrador who passed on years ago.
Does this make me emotionally stinted, as I can't comfort someone close to me in grieving. I know I can blame my brother who didn't even allow me to grieve after my father's passing, which ended with my foot in a demanding priests face, as he tried to take something from me.
But silent tears still flowed when the missing gets to much. Tears flowing when I'm angry is even worse because that means I want to punch someone., but those also only flows if I care about the person, but I don't want to see or hear from them till I'm ready for that person.
The one most of us hate would be tears that makes us revert to wanting to bobe alone. At that time to many emotions are attacking me just want to be alone.
Today's was that I wanted to release some anger I'm feeling towards a friend for calling me dumb when I couldnt find a him or the place we were going to. GPS didn't work either, nor the number of the place. Well I'm done with bitching for a bit, let me get ready for Eid as I have Muslim family and friends. Eid Mubarak to all, and have a blessed and heart felt day.
Michele is out......
No matter if you CIS, Trans, Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Queer. All of us went through the phase of exploration. Be it to discover your gender or sexuality or which careers we wanted to follow, because you don't look, behave or think like everyone else you talk to. Sometimes, not even your parents have an answer for you, make that most of the times. And when you finally got an answer from somewhere, it takes us all different timeframes to accept or initiate the change we so desired from a young age, but we just didn't understand.
NOW WE HAVE ME, A TOTAL 180 DEGREES FROM MOST PERSONS
I knew who and what I was, even if I didn't have a name for it as a child.
If you looked at the major age gap between my father and I, but I can definitely say 54 years age difference wasn't big at all. We understood each other, although at times some of the questions asked were formulated for a different era. I wasn't judged or ridiculed by him. He rather taught me, a human being never mind being female or male should be capable of respecting each other and being respected by others, and his children should be capable of taking care of themselves as we should be independent. But not afraid to ask for assistance when we don't know. And that's why we have each other. We perfectly paired off as sibling, each with their own strengths and weaknesses in our individual groups, or unified.
So as a child of four years old, I already had the discussion of me having the big surgery to align my body with my brains and feelings. Yes I was advanced in certain areas and others I just refused to act my age. I remember wishing and praying that I would be changed before I go to school or become a grown up. I remember begging to be changed before high school. But nothing happened, where my dad was my rock, my mom always seemed to be blocking my every move, she is more reluctant to understand, but she is 17 years younger then my dad. And if it was due to pain, it's mine not hers and I have decided to pursue my happiness not someone else's.
Not like I've ever asked her permission to be myself. Because I knew whatever would happen to me, my mother would tell me it's because I'm refusing to abide by her rulesrules and that of society. Screw that, I was taught to live my life for me as long as I have respect, but never bow down or out. That's why I've always been closest with my father and oldest sister. I think he understood because of his Native American heritage. My dad would defend me by saying that I knew a lot more then other children, that I'm not confused or indoctrinated, and that a child can't want the same thing for decades and be confused.
My goals were kept from me the day my father left his corporeal being for the spiritual world to watch over us. Yes, I do believe in different plains of existence. But I re-iniated when I was old enough, softening the blow of my completeness.
I've always been allowed to be myself, free from the binding of normal life. Free to explore if my heart so desires. Free to be the women I have always been. I've almost been a closet case, but my teachings and integrity which my dad taught me was important to me always came out.
Now, I hear the question coming from all corners. If he lived, why didn't he allow the change early? Well, answer is easy, his five foot tall wife was the one that always stood in the way of my happiness to change. Another question looming, must be... If she was the one to prolong everything in your life, do you love her as your mother? Obviously yes, but because of her and some of my siblings, I grew colder at times. None responsive and well primarily more of a loner, knowing that I don't need anyone to be happy, but I would still love to have a child. But I fear the irreparable damage some parent have on their children, and would I be that closed minded as my mother.
She knows, but do I care about approval, not in a million years. I have always been loved for being me, the girl I am inside and presenting to the world. Would I change for anyone, YOU MUST BE CRAZY NOW!!!
Now who know me better then me.
Have I ever said I'm one of the numbskulls that don't understand flirting when it's directed at me... WELL I AM THE WORST KIND IN HISTORY.
Let me start by saying this wasn't my intentions. Okay, I thing I had a massive undertone of want you. But I ever said it directly or even partially or remotely in person... Am I even remotely upset that he found out. Not in the least' so wanted im to be single and focussed on me, oh well NOT YET.
I am kinda disappointed in the fact that I didn't hide all that well. Maybe this is the year that I'm fedup with being single, that I cofidently approached him. So, don't shoot the heart that was looking at a desireable ora. Can I actually ad to this, uhm yes. I'm being hunted by some men I don't take as worthy of me.
LOL' now the quality isn't available.
Clearly this is a clothes issue. Yes, 137Lbs almost 138Lbs have a problem with certain clothes.
Not a problem buying. No women can't tell me how a shop or card works. Todays issue is getting in my clothes.
As I previously informed you, I was on a physical course and seemed like I lost weight. Not the case. Weird right.
Today, I grab a jeans, 32inches, and the bugger didnt want to go over my bum. My lady humps were in the way of my jeans. I pulled harder, and what I only saw on TV of a woman jumping and bouncing around as she struggled to get that small ass into what obviously is a size to small pants. Was me this morning.
Funny part is that same pants had breathing space two weeks back. Why the hell the elves tailor my clothes and forgot to take it out last night so I could get in again.
Do you want to know a secret... After HRT started, my body has grown in weight and circumference too. I've always had an ass, and only people that put their hands on me realized my butt was bigger then what my clothes allowed them to see. My ass are illusionist.
So as my breast grow, my ass proportionally grows. My middle has gained and lost inches, and always returns to what I originally started off with. I do have a 34 jeans in my cupboard, make that 3, so I'm prepared for my bums growth, but I'll never get use to bouncing to get my pants on.
Reason being, what if I sleep out, and my partners younger brother or sister or mother walks in. Okay, their father would be gawking at my tits, but a quick get away won't be possible as I can't even get it up, my pants you filthy minded man (give me a call we think alike).
So my qualms aren't about the exercise to get in, but the awkwardness it might give me.
I know I've got a sexy body, but do I want the whole world, or the world of the one I like and fell for to see my body too? I don't think so...
As apparently was proven to me tonight at a friends again. They walk around as if it's nothing when they come from the bathroom. Oh freaken hell no. My naked body is only to be viewed by the one I love in that way and loves me that way back. Old fashioned, but hey its me. Okay and occasionally my doctor when examining me, but in that instance my lover is allowed with inside.
Hard to believe I can't do this exhibitionist thing, even with me showing my structure of my body in pictures.
Cheers from South Africa.
I went for a Tactical Survival Techniques course last week. Before going I was warned that a specific instructor would be harder on me because I'm from his previous station and had harsh words with him.
Yes, I had harsh words with him, but I helped him with things he couldn't do, so would he truly be a dick to me. And the answer is kinda.
Kinda, because he made me take the biggest tyre and run with it. My first request was a smaller tyre, he said no and I'd understand later why he said so. I almost cried because of the pain and the uncomfortability of where the tyre was hanging from on my shoulder.
I am reminding you that I'm only 62kgs (136.7Lbs) at the end of the course. I started off on 60kgs (132.3Lbs), and 5ft8. And yes it looked like I lost weight.
It was me and another flower between 12 thorns. The thorns were protective of us. Would I survive these guys I thought. I did, and most were massive blokes close to 100kgs (220Lbs).
Okay, the first day I didnt utilize the bathrooms as I usually avoid bathrooms altogether. But on the second day we needed to change. The other rose I told, I don't use male bathrooms as I'm not male, and she was understanding. After that, I started finding more and more women in the bathroom when I went to change. The guys that normally have a problem, was so glad probably that I wasn't sharing their space that they just stayed quiet as the women already spoke and declared me part of their clan. Multiple courses were run at the same time.
On the second day when I couldn't handle my tyre no more, two guys unknown to me still at that time were very supportive and encouraging and within my age group. (I made it my point to find out who the oldest was and where I fitted in as my body just doesn't function as usual on a course. The second oldest and the longest service of all the course goers in my group.)
On the third day I became vocal about my phobias as we had to climb on the rooftop and come down like a spider. Do I look like a spider, I dont think so.
The safety drills and procedures were fed and repeated into my brains and aching muscles, even me utilizing a firearm with my right hand. Uncomfortable to draw here people, I use my left hand. (Subsequently got interrogated as to why I only write with my right hand at work. I am ambidextrous, but too keep coherency I use it like that at work.)
Well, I passed the theoretical section. And when it came to the physical section, I was inadvertently the leader. All because of my BIG MOUTH. My team performed remarkable, and we covered each others asses.
Now, what impressed me most was. Whenever someone referred to me in a masculine way, they would correct themselves or that person, and refer to me in a feminine way. They even wanted to learn, which showed that they are attempting to understand because of me.
Well, the whole group passed the course. Never mind that it was tough, grenades and an assault rifle going off as we had to learn and perform our duties. Yes the grenades were thrown between us and we had to be super vigilant.
Does this make me a better performer outside in a dangerous scenario. Oh yes, and I can't wait for the 3week course. I'm not sleeping by the guys, as I already use female spaces only. Male spaces are to be naughty and frisky.
Enough rambling, this course was painful yet exciting. I sustained bruises that looked like I was on the receiving side of an assault. Would this girl do or go through pain like this again. Obviously yes.
Because of discussions on how Trans and the general LGBTI community gets treated in by medical staff, police, well government employees, hasn't made me think of this all that much. Because I've always been treated with a certain level of respect and dignity, which I always needed to earn or demand.
I'm also a government employee as you all know, so this shocked me when my group had to deal with a M2F that didn't pass. This poor teenaged girl was treated absurdly and persecuted even more so although she was arrested for drugs.
The law clearly states that the police arrest and the courts decide if anyone is guilty of the offense on all the evidence produced.
Okay, I only stepped in afterwards when I was told. By that time it was a joke to all the cis gendered persons outside by the holding cells. Because of safety, I had to ask a few no no questions, but I made it clear I'm also Trans and was only asking those questions too ensure her safety.
I was also sick that night, but made certain before going she was safe.
For some time the question on how LGBTI persons are supposed to be treated and handled when detained came up. Lucky for me the next day I had a group session where I raised the question. Because of the mixed answers, they all made it clear on what I needed to do...
I subsequently wrote a proposal letter to avail myself as the face for all things LGBTI in the police. And to teach the members through seminars what the correct way would be to deal with a person from the LGBTI community.
The only thing left for me to do is create a questionnaire (would most probably only be used on persons that definitely doesn't pass and those of us that are pre-ops. As those are the persons that will be effected the most when arrested. Those that pass and are post-ops will most likely not even disclose. Unfair, but the harsh reality of life and how easily we blend into cis normativity will count in our favor.
I truly hoped it would be different, but we also have bigotry between some that pass and others that don't. I'll be attempting to bring all to an equal playing field, but until this happens we are all part of an unjust society.
Much love to the few fighting for all our rights till everyone is equal.
I clearly don't need to go, but I somehow have decided that 35 might be the year things slow down for me.
I eat half of what I used to, sometimes anything from 25% and up and I'm filled.
Lets rather say, I also started a relationship which I need to end on one or two levels. Therefore I will either just say Gym, which means sex, and Go or Going to the Gym, which has the meaning of the words to exercise.
What I like about it is, I've finally started enjoying it, so my hiatus from August 2012 till just after my birthday was good, as I couldn't find the enjoyment in it. Not that I felt like a victim everytime, no I didn't, I'm a survivor. I was just dead, interactive like a zombie, but physically or mentally involved never.
Yes, I think I should cancel the one, not only because he is trying to make me dependant on him, and I also know some of his unhealthy and detrimental activities. So cancelled is his rights.
Worst part of this is, I'm allowing myself to be promiscuous with him and I don't know me like this.
Now going to the Gym...
This is actually why I started this blog.
I hate running, but the thing that I start of with is doing a 2.4km (1.5miles) run. I'm South African and we work on km's. This doesn't want to drop to below 15 minutes, which is making me feel inadequate as a cop. But what I can say is, at 25 it took me 3 months to drop from 20 minutes to where I started off now. Just my endurance isn't what it was back then.
I was fearing that exercise would counteract what my hormones were doing for my already small breast, 32A. But the counteractive thing is my heavy bulletproof.
So I hate going to the gym. Right, but the positives are, my ass is staying perky, my arms and legs are firm, my breast and ass actually love the attention.
I don't do more than 45 minutes, I only go to the gym for 30-45 minutes. Anything more is ridiculous.
I hate that people look at me in a trouser and tells me, I'm weak and skinny. And that girls should stay out of dangerous affairs and zones. This misogynist I just cant deal with.
To be clear this is my current stats:
Bust / Under Bust: 85/75cm (33&1/2 / 29&1/2inches)
Middle: 65cm (25&1/2inches)
Hips: 93cm (36&1/2inches)
Height: 174cm (5foot8&1/4inches)
Weight: 60kg's (132.3Lbs). Want to stay below 140Lbs as I'm already on the heavy side for modelling too.
I work to maintain my body and only allow my hips (ass) and breast to grow, as that is what HRT is doing for me.
I hate that the nicest and best bodied gym instructor is leaving. But I've got a few that is staying behind, to keep me motivated.
So I'm working for me and nobody else. No man is the motivation behind me or this exercise. I am, as I want to take up part time modelling and continue as being in the police services which I also love.
Quite frankly a birthday has never been at the top of my to do list, unless the list is on how to evade a birthday.
Today, Thursday 2015-02-26, I turned 35 years old. This Capetonian trans lady sometimes, grabs the bull by its horns, make that balls. And then there are days that started off like today, I cried and just couldnt understand why.
Now most of the times when I go through this day, I cant wait for it to be over. Like today, so a normal day that I hate this day. One, I was born in a body I need to alter surgically to feel whole. I started off a fighter and till today, I'm a fighter. I break down, but hormonally a trans person goes through puberty twice. Like the first one wasnt enough.
Lucky for me, even in school and before that I was fighting to be the girl. When I was pushed around or pinned down by the boys, because according to them, that was what boys did to girls, I would fight back and somehow get free. Well males that does that to women should rethink the gentleman theory, because they continually acted like overbearing men if not potential rapist.
Okay, these fights were always worse when it were my birthdays. Thanks Daddy for teaching me to punch, shoot and drive from some birthdays. He thought girls should be capable of doing things for themselves.
I always thought that a birthday signified another year closer to death. Until I saw my teenage body and young face on a 32 year old body. I still hate my birthday, but this factor was removed. I still hate the happenings as a child and teenager. And to explain what happened would be wrong for now, and this is my rumblings around boys and birthdays.
Well, each year this time I'm faced with the same feelings and emotions, that got amplified after my father passed away.
February strikes, everything seems fine, and as the nears the last week emotions run wild, literally and figuratively.
Okay, my birthday and I have never seen eye to eye. Yes, I know it's just a day, but somehow it manages to find a way to screw me over.
This years isn't so big, but I can't find a place with available space, so romantic weekend away is spoilt.
To understand my avoidance with planning or being out on this day should be explained with these 3 examples.
1 and 2 days that were important to me, were destroyed with the most important person not being there for me. My crown birthday and 21st. My dad had the privilege of being at all his childrens except me, not even 1 of them. I was forced to have a 21st and each and every attempt to escape I broke something. So no luck.
Then a day with a 3 in 1. No pity required as I found out my will to live was greater than expected. My 16th birthday was filled with fights and me just wanting to cry. Yes, this fighter knows the value of crying. From that it changed into a knife being squeezed against my throat so I would resist the urge to fight as I was robbed and minutes later a firearm being pointed at me to rob me once again. A few hours later, getting stopped by an old man trying to persuade me to get into his car, turning into a fight, changing to a car speeding towards me and knocking me temporarily out. This guy raped me and while busy I came to. He tried to strangle and kill me but the fighter in me took over and the anniversary is here again. Now, I rarely think of it, because I survived and I fought to keep my life.
Now pity isn't and will never be wanted. It happened and it's a part of me, I admire for my survival instincts, and hate because it's supposed to be me day. It also made me a better police officer to handle rape victims. And I hate people that fake being raped.
Now every year something happens to make it memorable, but for a negative reason.
I can only say 2 days were fun. 1 I got my driver's license on my 18th birthday, and I was used as a body chocolate and whip cream platter on my 30th and the beginning felt like rape.
Conclusion for me and my birthday is. Stay away, it's just trouble.
The police haven't sent me on training in while, and here its for the newest entry at work.
So having had training in Shotguns, R5 Assault Rifles, RAP401 and Piettro Beretta Mod92 9mm Pistols a decade back, was like funny to for me the only girl with the hard ass guys I work with and some men I can sneeze over. 5 minutes later firearm training over, I know my firearm, so off to the shooting range. Why didn't you train the other stations people. This guy looks like he is afraid in front of me, well let me show him how it's done. 5 minutes later he is still struggling yo release the slide, how bad can he be. Can't wait to stand and shoot though.
At the station prior to leaving the 2nd hands as I like to call them are a click that makes almost everybody believe they are the best, and before I or we (my group) get in a fight with them, lets just go in my car and drive the 80mile round trip.
On the shooting range from the right to the left, the first 5 persons were the best of the best. The only girl in the mix, so Queen again. So after the first squeeze I realized this pistol isn't just lighter, but everything on it is lighter except for the new magazine that was still stiff.
Being considered one of the guys that stands my ground in the face of danger. I sometimes wonder if I would've been accepted or an outcast if I couldn't shoot, fight or stand my ground. Yes, with certain guys the option of me driving are always open, with others I am the driver no matter what, because they can't drivr. The joke with the driving is, I drive a Chevrolet Spark 1.2L stick shift, and the vehicles at work are one tonners trucks or sometimes bigger, and very rarely smaller, but everything is at least 3ft longer.
In cars I pick something that doesn't seem like I stole my dad's car and fits my personality. But seeing as I'm talking about firearms, I prefer a weapon that is comfortable to carry and shoot one handed too.
Lastly, I don't believe a firearm yo be the first line of defense. I also know that when I draw my weapon it is in all likelihood going to be used, because it is my last option to protect myself and those lives around or with me. A weapon, be it a firearm, knife, sword, baton, or any form should only be used or carried when you feel comfortable the training you were given can be executed without a fault, and all consequences of you using that said weapon to inflict the minimum of damages to stop the said attacker. Because going around and thinking you indestructible because you were trained at using it, is the worst mentality you can have. Yes, be confident, know your strength and weaknesses with the weapon or your body. AND LASTLY REMEMBER TO BE SAFE, BECAUSE THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMEONE BETTER THAN YOU, IF IT IS BECAUSE OF FOCUS OR ABILITY. WEAPONS ARE NOT TOYS, BUT AN EXTENSION OF YOUR HAND AND CAPABILITIES IN A FIGHT.
Okay, all I wanted to do was gloat that I passed. But I did it all while ensuring my safety and that of those around me. And I still looked feminine and adorable. Doesn't mean I like guy stuff I jave to look like them, I'm a girl by nature that doesn't like taking crap from anybody.
Having never been in hiding, I cant say how it feels to have come out to the world. It's in your face obvious that I'm special and unique. And this package is a police official too. So lete go through a decade of trials and tribulations in an organization that is male orientated with almost no ability to change.My decade started off with bam, because not only was I attacked and attempted to convince me that I'm wrong in who I am and portray. Gloating to everyone that she has put me in my place. Her actions were inappropriate as she didnt even bother to send out the complainant before attacking me. In any country with a constitution, the police doesnt govern that constitution, the constitution governs the state and all the sectors beneath it. So taking me on because of my gender and your perceived sexuality doesnt work. For once I couldn't open my mouth, but hey I was emotionally in the dumps as a friend was lying in ICU because of heart failure. My brain wasnt on this woman acting liking an amateur biatch.Subsequently because she dared to go against the constitutional laws of the country, I threw a hissy fit and had a case opened against her. Okay a normal biatch fit consist of me, kicking and punching my way through someone's face or body.DID ANYBODY JUST SAY THAT I HOPE ITS NOT A GIRL WE DEALING WITH. WELL, GIRLS CAN FIGHT TOO, WE NOT JUST CREATURES THAT OOZES SEX APPEAL, INNOCENSE, AND IN MY CASE LOOK LIKE A MODEL AT THE AGE OF 34 AND ALMOST 35 YEARS OLD.I never thought that any person could hate any gender or sexuality. Or what is it about me, because some are interested in me and others are totally against me.So my year ended off with a legal battle and started off with a legal battle. It can either shoot me in my foot with promotions. But hey, I'll akways know that I'm overlooked not because capabilities, but because I was cancelled because someone on the panel doesnt like me. As I can truly say that in my decade as a peace officer, I have made certain I studied and I knew my work to 3 or 4 levels higher than what I'm currently obtain, and have been for the last 8years, the 1st 2years were being a student here in RSA.So doesnt mean you in a country that is accepting, you still get those trying to fight and change you to what they want. All I can say is, I AM AN INDIVIDUAL, AND WILL NEVER BE WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE, AND I'LL ALWAYS FIGHT FOR MY RIGHTS, BECAUSE MY PARENTS TEACHING WERE CLEAR. DONT CHANGE SOMEONE, IF THEY WANT TO CHANGE BE SUPPORTIVE AND NOT A ROYAL ASS DICK.My next entry will be more focused, just needes everything off my chest that was bothering me. So kiss my toosh if you are one of those persons trying to tell me, Girl should not like cars, firearms and fighting styles. To those that understood my rambling, good for you.