Hello! It has been almost exactly a year since I last posted. Partly because I've been busy and partly because I couldn't find the site because I forgot what it was called! I have a lot of updates, this is almost an origin story so get comfy ;)
So, in May/ June i decided that I was done with moping around being a miserable git and feeling sorry for myself, it was time for change. I started to compile a letter to my family and friends the tell them about the new me. The first draft was about 3000 words and didn't read very well but with a little tweaking I got the count down and it was ready. I sent one to my mum, sister, best friend and I hand delivered the one to my girlfriend because she lived in my city. I know there would be a mixed bag of reactions but the one coming first would be from my girlfriend because she didn't have to suffer the Royal Mail. I was absolutely terrified! I had the letters teetering in the post box, only half in because once there in thats it! No take backsies.
Ill be more than happy to share the letter with you all if you would like, just let me know in the comments. I know it would probably have been better to say it all face to face but it was logistically not possible and I can't speak what I want it comes out as jibberish when I'm nervous.
So later that evening I received a text from my girlfriend to ask me to come over. I gave her an out in the letter and said that I would understand if she didn't want to be with me because of it, its only fair. As soon as she opened the door she burst into tears and I almost broke down myself. She wasn't crying because she was breaking up with me, she was crying at the idea of not being with me. It was all very emotional and we talked for hours about the future and what's going to happen next.
The next day I got a call from my sister crying, but it was more of a happy cry. She was very supportive and continues to be so to this day. I also got a text from my mum telling me she got the letter. *Back story, both my mum and my sister skipped to the end of my letter because they thought it was a joke. Mum then called, crying, and in the outset she seemed supportive. I went to go see her and she back tracked a lot, she didn't get it which is understandable and she didn't necessarily agree with it. The trip made me very sad and I cried a lot in bed that night. She has since become the amazing mum she had been for many years before.
That was all in the space of a week in June, there was a lot of emotion flying around.
Fast forward a month and my city's annual LGBT festival was happening. Oh wait I missed a bit, my girlfriend decided to stay with me because she is amazing! Honestly I wouldn't be the person I am today without her help and support. I am merely pieces of a person but she is my glue, keeping me together. So yeah LGBT festival, I wanted to go out as a woman for the first time. I figured that if I don't look perfect then that would be okay because everyone's dressed up and heading to the gay bar! I picked out an outfit, which was approved by my gf ;) and we headed out with our friend. It was the happiest moment in my life that I can remember for a long long time. Being out, being dressed up, it was exhilarating! I once went to a fancy dress party as a girl when I was 16, no one cottoned on to what I was doing which was fantastic and sad at the same time. So that was pride!
Not much happened in the months following, I started epilating (ow) and practicing with make up. Then when Halloween rolled around I took another chance to go out as Faith. Oh yes, my new name is Faith :) Halloween is a wonder out time where people can be anyone they want, so I did. We had a party and then hit the town. I was having a great old time and even bumped into a few people from uni who didn't recognise me which felt great! Of course my friend rumbled me by calling me by my old name but hey, who cares! I also went out New Years and unfortunately got entangled in a conversation with some random people which was tough because I don't have a woman's voice as of yet but they seemed nice and didn't point it out.
I have taken some big steps to becoming Faith, I have changed my name, I have been put on the GIC waiting list (2 years) and I have planned me entire look as cheaply as possible. While I have taken these big steps, it doesn't feel like enough, I still feel the same. I felt great, I told everyone and everything was going to change and it was going to be great. Nothing changed, that is indeed the issue, every time I see a woman I get a pang of jealousy and then struck with sadness. I don't want to die, but it's getting harder to live like this, I haven't told anyone this because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me and baby me. Its just hard, I know I'm not alone it's hard for all of us at times, just seems like all the time at the moment.
So that is me fully updated! Thanks for reading if you made it this far ;) look forward to coming back to the blog and talking to some people!
Lots of Love Faith
So yeah there's been some interesting things going on. Once i really accepted my true self i decided that i would try to start acting, in small doses, as my true gender.
I started by joking around at work telling everyone to call me Tina which was quite funny. Im quite loud usually and very energetic so everyone just laughed it off. Thats not the big happeningbs though.
I've always been pretty sensitive, very intuitive with my femine side which is one thing that attracted my girlfriend. Lately as i said i've been acting a bit more feminine, i'm not sure if my girlfriends picked up on this but my favourite of her comments was, 'i wouldnt be surprised if one day when you're 50 you told me you wanted to be a woman' to which she added 'and i would accept that and stay withyou'.
This is of course in 26 years and i dont see myself waiting that long. I suppose that would have been a good time to tell her but we've got a big presentation next week for uni so dont want to distract from that.
I wonder if she would be as accepting of me if i told her now. I guess thats my biggest worry, acceptance. Most of my friends and family i think will be cool.
So yeah just keeping up to date with everyone
p.s. I got some excellent flowery bedsheets :D
Hey guys! Its been a while since i posted, ive been pretty busy but always thinking. And now i think its time to tell my family? Cant be certain though.
I assume that a lot of people here have come out to their friends and family. I've spent the last few days composing a very overworded coming out letter that i will post on a private blog and send them all a link.
Is this enough? Is it good enough? I can't take holding it back anymore!
 So i have a girlfriend, how do i tell her? Just come out with it? If i plan it i know i'll just waffle about stuff thats not relevant, help :(
So, while I am at the beginning of my journey, I'm trying to think of everything. Right now I'm focuses on appearances and finding out how I might look.
At some point I will try and test the waters outside, maybe go to the shop at first then venture out further. Before that I need to really know what to wear, make up, all that great stuff.
So I guess my question is this, to anyone else out there that has already transitioned or anyone going through the journey too: What did you wear? How did you wear it? How did you know you were ready to go out?
I look forward to talking to all of you
Edit: Just wondering, if there are any cross dressers, drag queens or trans folk out there who have worn bras as a male? If so what did you stuff them with, I know you can get like fake breasts but just thinking of right now... Socks? I have tried socks I'm just curious...
I think that with my blatant lack of make up expreience it's going to be a real hardship. I have some and some more coming (it's so expensive!) but not a clue how to do it really...
I kind of know a little through watching people do it and a couple of youtube videos (the source of all my learning) but I imagine I'm going to look a state when I first have a go ;)
I haven't tried any of it yet but I think the beard will be interesting to cover. Obviously I'm going to shave as much as possible first but I'll never get right down to skin.
Another thing is contour? I have a man face pretty much and I believe this contour thing makes it look like you've got shape or depth? I don't know, I'll focus on not looking like a 4 year old just painted my face first ;)
So I bought all the stuff I think I'll need. Foundation, eyeliner, blush, eyeshadow and some brushes, if theres anything I missed or some hints in how to use these items please do let me know :)
Thanks for reading, any input would be much appreciated, in any aspect of this whole thing.
What about names? How do I pick a new name, that is like the hardest choice ever! Do I just girly-fy my name or pick a whole new one? Do I keep my last name? I imagine I would keep my last name, provided my family don't disown me when and if I tell them.
I like Olivia, I knew an Olivia once, she was nice but I don't want to just cop out and pick any random one. I like anastasia because I read 50 Shades and loved it! I also don't want any of that silly nonsense like 'North West', what is that?!
Tricky stuff, it'll be a long time before I need that fortunately so I have some time to decide.
Thanks for reading :)
For anyone wondering how im posting all this so fast i have another blog (thegenderfiasco.wordpress.com), i felt like this might be a better place to do it, might get feedback and theres people here that have been through the same types of stuff.
So anyway thanks for reading all the same :)
Clothes are a bit of an issue I think, well, for now. Its not like a man can stroll into the womens department and start trying on clothes, it's a lot of guesswork.
For instance I want to see what my body might look like as a woman in womens clothes. This is tricky for a few reasons..
I don't own any womens clothes nor do I have access to any.
I don't exactly know my size, about a medium I'd say. Whats that? 8? 10?
Bras? Naturally if I do ascend into being a real woman one day I'll have breasts. I think I'm roughly a 34 back, cup size is a matter of preference I guess. Start at C and see where that goes.
Now shoes. As a man I have relatively big feet, I can get my toes into a size 9 man shoe but are they the same? No idea, again wing it.
That being said I love online shopping and eBay so I won't have to awkwardly walk around clothes shops pretending I don't know what I'm looking at because 'their not for me'. So I went on eBay and bought a top, leggings (comfy as hell), nice underwear and a bra that I imagine will fit. They should all be here sometime next week so I will probably document some findings on this here world wide web.
Some advice for anyone out there in a similar position to me (if anyone out there reads this) , if you're buying anything like this then go online, you can get really cheap stuff on eBay to test your size then it's all done. After that you can get stuff wherever you want.
Thanks for reading.
I've always loved womens underwear, the feel of it, the look of it, it's magnificent! Sadly they were not made for the junk men carry around but we make do.
I went out and bought some standard briefs, nothing fancy just cotton, still more comfortable than boxers. I wore them around the house and out of plain sight, I love them.
Some people might think that this type of thing is 'wrong' but, well, fuck them! They obviously never tried on womens panties...
Now bras, bras are a pain because obviously they were not made for men. However, small cup sizes and a couple small socks tend to do the part. This so far I have strictly kept in the bedroom so no one had the chance to see me. If I got really confident I think I could go out in a full outfit, provided I thought I looked like a woman.
Recently I wore some panties out and while I was at work. Being the chicken I am I put boxers over them, so no one would see them. It felt invigorating to walk around knowing that I was wearing them, everyone else was none the wiser.
Thanks for reading...
Since I was a kid I felt a bit left out being the only boy (no dad), I think I mostly wanted to be a girl to fit in. I would often wear my sisters or my mums clothes just to see what it felt like, I didn't tell anyone I just put them back after I was done.
Since I was about 11 or 12 I managed to suppress the urges and feelings, and I totally forgot about it! Until recently, when I came over-run with all the feelings again. They came in a surge of beautifully painful feelings. Beautiful because what a joy it might have been to be a woman and the painful because well here I am.. Not a woman.
I thought maybe i was just horny or something so got rid of that idea in about 5 minutes. So here I am, not really sure, not really knowing where I might end up.
I think the hardest part is being in a relationship, I have a girlfriend. It's not like I can go up to her and just say, "hey, I know you really had your heart set on a really nice life together but I think i'll be a woman instead". Doesn't seem very nice, nor ethical. It's also tricky because i think to really look like a girl on the outside requires full body hair removal, I'm definately not ready for that conversation.
I'm not really sure where this blog is going to be honest, I've never written a blog before.