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Kitten Nikki here just learning to when and where to sharpen my claws.

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Haven't felt like doing much of anything and really have been just going through the motions. My cat, the cat that Bree got when I was way down from my bout with cancer back in the early aughts, had her own bout with cancer and lost. Initially they thought it was lung cancer and gave us steroids to help her fight it, but it turns out that was just the secondary cancer. She stopped eating, started having seizures almost every hour and was falling apart. When we took her into the vet that's when they found the brain tumor just by looking in her left eye. The tumor hadn't been visible the last visit at all and it was pressing in on her brain causing the seizures, loss of appetite and all that. At fourteen years old and with no real options left I had to say goodbye to her. Our son was there, Bree was there, everyone that was close to her was there, but it was still hard as hell. I'm tearing up now writing about it and it's been a week. I imagine this is going to last a while. 

I miss my cat.

I did start getting somewhere with my therapy. My therapist does like that I'm trying to keep a written journal which I write in when I'm feeling things and what thoughts are driving them since most of the time I feel numb and can't really feel anything at all except an overwhelming case of meh. Ultimately what she has tentatively diagnosed me with is Persistent Depressive Disorder, also known as Dysthymia. It's a possibly ongoing depression, not necessarily major, but it can cause most of what I've got going on in my head most of the time. She and I discussed my abuse as a child, we touched on my gender identity confusion, some of my emotional triggers and she did suggest that a combination of treatments would be good for me, so it looks like I'll be getting some medication to take some of the edge off while I try and work with her to figure out what I can do with or without the medication to deal with this, so I guess that's good. I don't necessarily feel good or bad about the diagnosis. I mean I figured I had something going on in there, only now it has a name.

I have been a bit mean to Bree and it's not been fair. I did apologize for it and I've been trying to be more mindful of my mood and what's coming out of my mouth or going on the keyboard. She doesn't deserve any ire I might be feeling. I've had a few really down days which hasn't been helping and I'm weening myself off of caffeine bit by bit. I'm drinking almost none at home and although I've been bad a few days here with lunch and dinner, it's mostly been water or tea. I'm drinking more water at work and less coffee. There is still a bit of soda but not much there. I'm sure that's been a bit of the issue, but being down makes me a bit of a jerk to be around, especially when I can't seem to bring myself to do or want to do anything and that's on me, not Bree. Ugh. 

I did touch on my gender confusion with my therapist and we talked about why I've gone down the crossdressing route instead of pursuing transition and she did question if I'm doing it to please everyone else and not myself, and no, this is as much about what I need and want as everyone around me. While it was tempting to look at transitioning as this magic pill that would fix everything, that's not going to do it for me. The underlying problems I'm having that led to the depression will still be there and a whole host of new ones. I'd still have to deal with my childhood abuse, my procrastination, self-loathing, laziness and problems being social with people I want to be social with. That isn't going to just vanish with transitioning and right now I'm really doing the crossdressing to feel better and elevate my mood from being low or to raise it a bit so I feel happier, it's not so that I feel normal like I'd originally thought. I was doing it to feel and while I do feel more like my old self, I also get that when I settle in and have some fun at things I'm supposed to be having fun at. A few different road trips with Bree to our favorite restaurant and to the zoo and just being with her in general and engaging on the same level that we used to when we first started dating really opened my eyes to that. 

Working some of this out has helped, but right now I'm kind of still grieving even while I'm trying to feel better and it's just kind of putting me in this spot where I don't want to do much of anything. Being a bit more creative has helped a bit, but I have to prod myself into doing that. Once I'm in that head space I have a lot of fun with it until things go sideways and then I just kind of shut down. I'm definitely a work in progress at this point. I have a whole host of problems to work through, but I have a great wife and life with Bree who's been nothing but supportive through all of this. I have a diagnosis now and at the very least a hope that I can get to feeling more like I used to with a big ole smile on my face.

Right now though, I'm still missing my cat.

I am not a social butterfly. I'm happier in smaller groups of people I really know and even just staying at home to watch a movie or play games. I was asked what kinds of socializing I'd like to actually do since I'd been mentioning going to a group setting of like minded people and I'd mentioned clubs or outings or something along those lines where I could go dressed in either mode and feel comfortable with and get to know others who are dealing with some of the things I am. I do a lot of my socializing online, for better or worse. That's how Bree and I met some of our long term friends who we get together with when we can. We used to do the cons every year and we try to get together at a friends once a year, all of us, and there's the occasional get together of a few of us here and there to spread that out a bit, but locally we just don't have that same tie. Sure there are a few people we talk with and occasionally get together, but my long term and close friends aren't close at all. There's part of the problem. I'm terrible at talking to people long distance. If it's family, friends, or otherwise, I'm a terrible person at keeping in touch with people long distance. That includes friends I'm really close with. I've never been very good at it. I was a terrible pen pal. You get the idea.

But what do I need or get out of socializing? Despite my tendency to want to do things at home and generally spend time with Bree on a regular basis without too many others around, I actually do enjoy hanging out with my close friends and especially our regular tabletop get-togethers every week. It was actually really devastating to me when I was forced to a shift that meant I couldn't play on Fridays with our son and Bree and was stuck with our smaller game on Sundays cause despite the weirdness of our sons friends, it is generally fun and a good time and a bonus on that is we don't have to leave the house cause we're hosting it.

So it's a bit of a group camaraderie that I get out of it that I enjoy even though I'm mostly anti-social. Not all people who like to dwell online or mostly at home like to do so alone.  I'm never really alone with Bree at home, but both of us like to meet with friends and hang out and keep in touch and just do fun things in general. Hell even when we team up in our online games together we don't often just two man it and end up with some kind of group eventually one way or another.  I guess it fulfills some kind of social need to meet up with like minded people and to share our lives with people we're close to.

Why can't I manage to maintain contact on my own? I'd say it's a combination of laziness and being anti-social generally but I don't know that's entirely accurate. When our friends or family do call most of the time I enjoy talking to them on the phone and rarely do I not want to talk with them. But that's usually them calling us or sending messages online. This isn't me reaching out, but them. I don't have a good answer why I don't reach out on my own unless I get prodded by someone or something. It could be apathy or laziness but I don't have a good answer for that and I wish I did. It's not tied to the depression that I'm aware of as I've always been this way.  It's something I need to work on more and figure out why I'm this way but I don't have a good answer right now, just that I'm aware I have this issue with all of my long distance relationships and even with people that live in the same town I don't see nearly every day.  

So, things I need to work on? Working out a thing with Bree where we meet up with our friends that are closer to us so that need is getting met. I need to set up some kind of reminder or getting in the habit of at least texting my friends a few times a week and calling hem far more often than I do. The hope is that if I can get into a routine doing this that it feels more natural and it feels less like I'm putting distance between me and people I care about. I also need to figure out what this block is but that's going to take work and might take some therapeutic help. I don't have a good answer there unfortunately but I wish I did. 

This post had a lot more thought put into it originally, but I lost a huge chunk of it either to my network or my browser, so this kind of feels a bit disjointed more than my original, but I'm oping I've presented something that makes sense. 

So today was definitely a down day for me. Got to work which has been the biggest source of depressive feelings and situations lately and realized I hadn't heard about our monthly birthday celebrations and since mine was coming up I should have been in this month's. I looked it up and it was 2 weeks ago. I was at work when they were doing it. The organizer, the manager who runs it, and my boss included couldn't be bothered to tell me, get a hold of me, e-mail me about it, whatever. So I was initially mad that I missed out on pizza and ice cream cake and a shot at a day off with pay. That started dragging my mood down. Then I started ruminating on the fact that no one could be bothered to get a hold of me for this. In years past they've paged people, got a hold of supervisors, etc while it's going on to get them in for the free food and a host at the day off. This year, nothing. They have a list of everyone who's supposed to be there and they check that damn thing religiously every year and yet I'm forgotten again because they don't need me to fix something or look to blame me for something I had nothing to do with.  So then I started spiraling even more. Now, my rational brain is attempting at this point to tell my emotional brain to take a chill pill that this can be fixed by getting in on the next month's meeting, hopefully, and I'll still be getting a shot at an extra day off and the free food. My emotional brain basically flipped my rational brain the bird and decided to not only wallow in it, but to start making me feel like I'm worthless and forgettable which made me angry because of all the things I'm trying to feel that isn't one of them, so then that amped up the others. It was a nasty, nasty morning. 

Bree was my bright light in all of this. We talked on teh phone, she messaged me all day and when she got home she gave me a big hug and we went out for comfort food and screw the diet. Being around her quieted a lot of that garbage my emotional brain was feeding me and I was able to reign it in and enjoy being with her and while I wanted to throw on my boobs and bra when I got home, I waited for her because I knew ultimately she was what I really wanted right then and I had an inkling we'd end up going out. 

Bree makes it all better. I wish everyone had someone like Bree. 

Today has just been... blah. I woke up mostly ok, but after Bree and I ended up getting entangled and went out for breakfast, the headache kicked in and I realized that the little fog that had been sitting in the back of my head was congestion and Bree wasn't going to be getting much out of me. So the blah day has been filled with a Daredevil season 2 binge along with some errands.  It has been a quiet meh I'm sick kind of day.

Bree and I have otherwise been working on things in our relationship. A lot of the issues were my fault in a lot of this, some of it stemming from me hiding some of my feelings about my need to crossdress and my gender confusion, and some of that tied to but not really tied to that. It was complicated. We're making it a lot less complicated now. and that's a good thing for both of us. 

I did find something near and dear to Bree last night and that made me feel pretty good about myself that I was able to make her the least bit happy in all of this.

Writing these is hard but I'm practicing. That little book I've got to write thoughts in when I'm feeling something has been seeing some action, but even that's hard to do when I"m not feeling something. So next week it's definitely on with anti-depressents. There was a me in the videos we found that I haven't felt in a long damn time and while I've been getting glimpses here and there I miss that happier version of me.

 

Just working through some things since the therapy session. Long talks with Bree, several attempts at trying to shake some of the doldrums and just in general a lot going on.  I have an appointment with our regular doctor next week and I'm going to talk to her about getting something for my depression. I've found it's hard to talk about my feelings when I don't really have the capability to feel anything beyond extreme highs and lows and then just don't really feel anything at all otherwise. I can't really talk about feelings I'm not having and I know it's frustrating when all I can do is shrug my shoulders when someone asks how I feel. 

How do you feel?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Yeah that's not helpful for anyone, least of all me. 

I've started using a little notebook to kind of keep track of thoughts I'm having when I am feeling anything so I have a guide to talk to my therapist about when I see her in a few weeks. 

I just want to feel again.

After talking with Bree we decided to talk on the way up for lunch and keep to our original Friday plans and hit up the calzone place we like. I have to admit I was more distracted getting ready this time than I have been before. It wasn't just the argument we'd gotten into but I have to admit that was a big part of it at the start. I was more thinking about the fact that Bree and I were going out on a date and I was going to be in girl mode, granted in casual girl mode in jeans and a nice shirt, but full make-up and breastforms and the girdle. To say I was nervous was an understatement. I don't know if it was that or the fact I need a very different blade but I nicked my face all over the place shaving before I put my make-up on. Either way I got ready before Bree made it home and then did her make-up before we headed out. 

Bree and I talked quite a bit on the way up. I definitely still think more like a guy in a lot of things, or at the very least I'm stuck in guy mode when it comes to that so it's a bit harder for me to really express myself. Bree was awesome about it though and we talked about my feelings and how I thought she felt at the time when this first came up back in January. It was a pretty good talk and I tried to concentrate on that, but the drive up was a bit distracting as they're re-working the entire roadway on the way up to where the restaurant is. One thing we talked about doing and I completely agree with is working with Bree on me being able express myself more like a girl in and out of girl mode. Bree was better able to talk to me about the way I came across as selfish and I did feel that I was selfish about this and agreed we needed to work on that. It was a big relief talking to her about all of this. I don't like causing any undue stress any more than I already have and us bouncing back and forth with ideas and where I was failing and where she thinks I can improve helps quite a bit with all of that.  It was more than just a needed conversation and I think between the trip down and up we managed to hash out a few more things. We're far from done with it all but we're getting along through all of this more which is good. It did make me feel better. I don't like it when we fight. I get frustrated and upset, she gets upset, one of us ends up crying, just not a lot of fun all around and something that could have been avoided a bit more.

Either way we didn't end up eating at the restaurant to get calzones like we planned. Usually there's a lunch rush there and then it's pretty dead but when we got there today they were absolutely packed. No seats open even though there was parking. I started to get anxious. I didn't want to have to stand around and I felt like I'd get found out if we had to stand around much at all and I could feel the beginnings of an anxiety attack growing. Bree being the awesome person she is though suggested that we could go someplace else. I don't know if she sensed how uncomfortable I was or that I was really building up to a freakout. Bree ended up suggesting another place that's another 30 minutes further away and it was a great idea so we headed back on the road. Sure it was chicken instead of calzone, but it's really good chicken. As soon as she suggested it though, all that anxiety and panic that was building instantly washed away which was a very good thing. I go into girl mode to feel better, not to freak out so that feeling encroaching into my comfort zone was absolutely not cool. We talked more on the way up, well more Bree talking and asking questions and me responding because I've been so closed off to her for so long and it's taking me a lot more now to open up. That's not good for either of us and it's something I need to work on.

Like the blogs here. She pointed out that I don't get into it as much as I should and it's more like a news report than a breakdown of my thoughts on it. She asked me if I felt that I was maybe a bit more shallow on these things than she was and I am, but that's something I need to work on. So here I am. I have to say it was amazing for me being out with her in girl mode. We were out and on a date and hanging out and talking and when I wasn't consciously thinking about the fact that I was in girl mode out in public, it felt just like the two of us out on a date which is pretty much what she felt like and really what I was expecting from her, or at least hoping. I wasn't looking for her to be all amazed that it would be different but I was at least hoping that it'd feel like an actual date between the two of us, and other than her taking the lead and paying for everything at the restaurant and the pet store we visited after so that I wouldn't get clocked for my voice, it was very much like one of our regular dates. And overall the day made me really happy. I mean like I'm still happy happy. There are good moments in the depression when the happy peaks through for a bit but then the gloom returns, but I have had such a big smile on my face since we got home even though I swapped back over to guy mode for game night.

Guy Mode, when I'm stressed or anxious or really feeling the depression, is the standard or kind of the default, the public face, the face I have to put on when I go out even if I'm having a terrible day and want to be in Girl Mode. Usually going from full on girl mode back into guy mode is depressing and I hate it and I feel like I've gone into girl mode to feel better and then that all gets yanked away just because of a stupid errand or other need to go back out. It's why I try to cram all our errands into one trip if I can help it after work so I can hop in girl mode and feel safe and comfortable and push back the bad feelings. This time there wasn't any really kind of twinge or anything when I had to go back to guy mode and put the breastforms away and take off my make-up. There was just this nice feeling of glowing happiness leftover from the day. Going out with Bree today in girl mode was a great step on the way to figuring this out between the two of us and it was the first time I'd gone out in public in girl mode and it wasn't Halloween or to Rocky Horror. It made me really happy and I've had that smile on my face far more than I've had it in a long time and 90% of that is Bree making sure I'm not just sitting around poking at the bad things in my head that keep the depression going or growing instead of punching it down.

I did jump ahead a bit as the restaurant Bree ordered all the food and I stuck to things I could eat without my lipstick getting messed up. No one really looked at me there or at the pet store we went to right after the restaurant and I could just relax more and more with Bree while we were out and about. It was an amazing experience and as I already mentioned it did make me really happy but at the same time, it didn't feel all that much different than any of our regular dates. As Bree puts it, people look at me in girl mode and see hair, breasts, clothes, register me as female and move on. She's completely right of course, especially with the two of us out and about together. I really need to ignore those worries in my head and I'm sure as we go out together more like this it'll help. I think one of the more liberating results of today was when we got home and there was that time to move from our car at the curb to the house. I was going to put on my jacket to try to cover up my breasts a bit and stand out a bit less. I'm not out to anyone I know in town except Bree and my therapist. I asked Bree if I should throw on the jacket, we did a cursory glance around and she told me to just go for it. I don't know if she caught it or not but at that moment I was thrilled and proud and amused and I'm sure I had the biggest grin there in that moment than I had all day and we just went back to the house without a care in the world and it was outstanding. 

This last bit might be TMI for some, so skip this next paragraph and know that it was a fantastic day that made me happy and read the last one.

There was some very nice make-up sex after all of that and I love that we've kind of brought this part of our lives into the bedroom with us incorporating several hybrid ideas and set-ups to bring that into our sex life. It's actually a lot of Bree in that end of things. I've let her lead things in the bedroom for a long while and this is also something we're working on. I'm not hiding this part of me any more so I have no excuse. Sure we hit a lot of my kinks otherwise, but there are a few things tied to this with me that it's been amazing to get involved here this deep with Bree as well. This was just an outstanding day and Bree is getting mad props from me for keeping me going with this instead of just keeping to the status quo. We're exploring more with this together and that's something that can only help the both of us as we go forward. 

Going forward means therapy for the depression which triggers the gender confusion rather than the confusion triggering the depression and work on my overall gender confusion, childhood abuse,  as well as making all of this work with Bree. Bree's sexuality in our marriage doesn't include having a wife. We'd discussed it and after we'd gone through some of the older diagnosing charts, I mostly fall more on the dressing side anyway. I can handle just being able to dress and go into girl mode as needed when I'm having really bad days with the depression since that's what makes me feel better. The nice thing about dressing as opposed to full on HRT is that I'm still her Nikki under all of the stuff I put on over the top to put me in that place so I'm what she needs in the relationship and I'm still getting what I need to feel better. We're walking a balance trying to figure out what works for the both of us and what won't, so that's definitely a big thing. Sure there are things about my body I don't like, my body and facial hair are big ones for me. Bree and I are trying different methods to control both. That I'm extremely happy with. Bree has thrown a line down where HRT and surgery go. It would interfere with things in the bedroom and it would change things in the relationship between us. It'd alter my brain chemistry and change a number of things about my personality. Hormones are a potent thing and I don't feel like I need them to be happy when just throwing on my breastforms and a bra and putting my jeans and a t-shirt on do more than enough to calm my depression most of the time. Am I upset about that line? I'm actually more terrified of that line. Bree has been very open about it and told me that she doesn't think our marriage would survive it while she can very much deal with me crossdressing. I don't feel like she's limiting me really as she's said she'll still support me if I do have to go on HRT, but the way the dressing works and the way it makes me feel very much rule that out in my mind as a possibility moving forward. I feel like going into what I call girl mode which works emotionally for me is enough and it's something Bree is more than happy to work with me on. Bree makes me happy ultimately, the dressing is more a means to combat the depression that's been eating at the happiness Bree and I usually share together and I want her in my life as my wife. If that means I throw on breastforms every once in awhile instead of having my own breasts and work on developing a stranger emotional connection with her through that I think that's something I can very much work with.  

Bree got me thinking after we talked and got into an argument because I'm over-reacting and not understanding like normal and maybe I am being a guy about all of this in how I relate to her. It's not easy on her, my either misunderstanding or complete lack thereof making her incredibly upset and now that we've talked more she made me realize I'm either coming across as being incredibly selfish or am incredibly selfish. I am being selfish on a lot of things in this. Yes there are some things that I'm trying not to be and I've realized I'm putting Bree through a lot and he's been amazing and I am being pretty negative about things. I don't know if that's the depression or if I've always been this way. Either way this isn't fair to her.

These past few months have really been all about me and while we've touched on her issues a bit I've been way too focused on myself and that's not going to work. We're in a relationship, a damned good marriage with only a few issues (admittedly this is a big one) and I'm here lighting a fuse that I really don't want lit. 

Bree's so damned strong with most anything that comes her way, or always comes across that way, and we muddle through everything else together so much that I can really be an ass and not register how much she's hurting or underestimate the toll it's taking on her even when it's smacking me in the face. For a smart person I can be really dumb.

 

I was actually feeling kind of down today as our resident conspiracy theorist and cynicist extreme (I thought I was bad and he takes it to a whole new level) managed to be even crazier and down on everything than usual. The dude needs to go back to therapy or something because he's getting to levels where he could drive a room of people out just from his scowl. Anyway, did what I could to brighten my own mood a bit and talked to Bree as much as I could at work. Had to leave early today (thankfully) to head to my first therapy session with my new councilor. She's only my second, the first I had when my parents were going through their divorce so that was over thirty years ago and it didn't last long at all.

So I went with Bree to my session which is taking place in a center that's a converted house which surprisingly made me more comfortable about the whole thing. I had butterflies on the way there and even up until actually meeting her. Bree was helping immensely. Went upstairs with her and talked about all sorts of things for over an hour. I talked a bit about what happened to me when i was a kid, my bouts of ongoing depression, how it's tied or triggers my need to dress, how it all affects my marriage, how Bree has been awesome and been helping, how I'm really confused as to where I sit with all of this. My therapist was great, asked me questions Bree told me they'd ask the first session, asked what I wanted out of this, and was generally pretty awesome about it all. I did ask about support in our local area and she confirmed that there basically is none which comforted Bree because we've been looking. She is thinking about starting one and I told her I'd absolutely be ok with joining in.  It was basically an intake session where she could get to know me and for the most part I felt comfortable talking to her which is a good thing. My childhood trauma is hard to talk about either way. I'll be seeing her every other week for awhile starting next week. I'm hoping this helps me sort things out a bit and get a handle on the depression. While I like the fact I can use my crossdressing as a coping mechanism getting to the heart of it and figuring out how to get through some of it will be a good thing.

After that Bree and I headed out to get lunch at my favorite sub place in town. They make them like I used to get them when I lived in New York and its very much comfort food. We talked a bit and worked through some more of my nervousness about our next stop, the hairdresser.

I keep my hair long and I've always been nervous that the haircutter is just going to end up lopping too much of my hair off. I grow it thick and it tends to get split ends and a bit broken at the end. I got a really good one though and it has the same vibe as my avatar here does which is awesome. I especially like that it hangs naturally hiding my male pattern hair growth and brings in my forehead and Bree is right, it frames my face nicely whether I'm in boy mode or girl mode. It's a very unisex style that just flat out works for me. As usual with this, Bree is right and it did feel kind of like a girl's day out with both of us getting taken care of. Guess we'll be doing it again in a month and a half. 

Overall it was a nice recovery from the doldrums I was feeling. I was able to dump on my therapist which is what I'll  be paying her for along with helping sort me out anyway. I feel like this coupled with working on things with Bree is going to help this all immensely and I'm really glad we've gotten this far. It's going to be a process but I think things are continuing in a positive direction which is never a bad thing. 

So the plan is to get a haircut that matches with my avatar here a bit more. Lots of layers but more shoulder length so it's more where I like it. I always dread getting my haircut because I'm always worrying they'll cut it way too short. I like it long-ish. 

Bree and I went out for make-up last week, just the basics. I'm currently in girl mode and feeling a bit giddy about it all. I went through and followed a really good YouTube video for make-up covering the beard and all that jazz and did a preliminary test make-up, the first time I've applied it where I wasn't going to be up on stage. Stage make-up is supposed to not be subtle, so going for more subtle is taking me some work, but overall I like the results. my facial hair shadow is hidden and although I caked it a bit on (it was my first attempt) it's overall pretty even and doesn't scream that there's an issue. 

Bree has me do her make-up after, and I did get a big kick out of doing up her make-up while in girl mode. Bree doesn't wear make-up, like ever, so it's kind of a big deal that she's letting me do this and even agreeing to it. I mostly got hers right, but considering she's the second face I've don I missed a few things. Overall it looks pretty decent though. I keep checking between the two of us to make sure this is actually happening which is making her freak out a bit but in a cute way. 

We shared my situation with some more of our close friends and my first therapy session is tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous, but we'll see how it goes. Bree also shared a few photos with a close friend who was curious. I'm both relieved and kind of happy that more of my friends know. There's been a lot of acceptance so far which is amazing. The one friend has even tossed out our way that I should feel completely comfortable dressing at her place when we visit. I am seriously considering taking her up on it. Good practice and I'll get to be more comfortable with my friends if I'm having a stress or anxiety issue and need to flip to girl mode. 

There's been more talks with Bree about things. She's nervous about the therapy and I get it. She's gotten very comfortable with me in girl mode and we've brought it into more intimate situations between the two of us. I can understand the thought of this changing isn't great. I'm actually quite comfortable with this. There are a few thigns mroe I want but don't necessarily need, like hip and butt pads with the girdle and a separate corset, but I also need to lose some more weight I think before we spend even more. Granted the corset would be ok for awhile as I'd just be able to close it more as I lose weight and then would have to buy a new one in a year or so. It's a want though, not necessarily a need. I'm getting what I need from Bree and in girl mode and the fact that we are able to connect so well to this in the bedroom and out of it has made things in our marriage work a lot better. She's still upset over me lying about this to her for 17 years and she has every right to be. I don't and wouldn't ever fault her for that. That was all on me and my fault and I should have just come clean a long while ago when I felt this all come back instead of trying to bury it and figure this out on my own. The other thing I'm trying to do is be more open instead of just leaving things up to her. Instead of going along with something I know I'm not going to like I really need to speak up and if it's something I want I need to really let her know and if I don't care either way, then be more specific. Communication is a beautiful thing that I'm not very good at sometimes. 

I need to try doing this every day and get my thoughts down. I'm not terribly good at this, never have been really but it's something that can help later, especially when I'm working with Bree to figure this all out between the two of us.

We have talked about going out to a local restaurant, well local in that it's in the next town and no one we know eats there besides us. The idea is to go as just two girls getting some tasty lunch. To be honest, I'm thrilled at this idea and terrified at the same time. Seeing the make-up results today helped a bit though. I need to find some good eye and eyebrow tutorials though so we can add a little bit more to the basics. 

Found out a really decent human being I used to see at work every day until the middle of last year when he started cancer treatments passed away yesterday morning. He always had a smile on his face and always had a kind word and he really didn't deserve it. Hell no one does. I guess I kind of knew this was coming. No one had good news and he had to change where he was getting his treatment because he couldn't handle the drive anymore, but this isn't something anyone should ever get used to. 

On a happier note, Bree and I went cosmetic shopping last night to start getting things I'll need to experiment and get better at hiding my shadow and making me look more like a girl in girl mode, especially if we plan to go out. She was awesome about it, especially since I was very lost in that rather large aisle. We bought new make-up for her as well so that when we do go out we look more like girls out on the town. Definitely going more subtle with everything and not going overboard. The idea is to conceal not necessarily attract attention. Either way I was a bit apprehensive at first. Probably jut a bit squirrely about the whole thing really, but once we settled in and started trying to find things that would work on either of our faces it was actually a bit fun. Got a lot of sticker shock though and we stuck to the basic stuff but it was still a good chunk of change. Bree was right on with her estimate on how much we'd spent and I was under by a good $40. I was happy she found another one of those pony tail flip things for her hair since hers broke a while back. I'm thinking I might have to try it one of the days I'm in girl mode. I am notoriously bad with doing anything with my hair even though I keep it long. 

Less happy though, I'd completely forgotten some things when Bree and I had talked weeks ago but had written about elsewhere. Like when I was 9 I'd wished for months to just be a girl even going so far as to wish on the north star while I was riding home in the backseat one night fogging up the window while I had my face pressed up to get a better view. I'd forgotten that my dressing up was further back than going out in full dress for Rocky Horror with her or the Halloween before we'd met and that I'd raided an old box of clothes full of girls jeans and shirts and bras that I fit into and wearing them back before we moved out away from everyone I knew at the time and out to Ohio. I was basically living on my own as a teen, staying at the house and taking care of the horses along with going to school so when my friends didn't come over and I was on my own, I'd dress up and just go about my day. I don't know why I'd blanked on those. 

Really though, life is about change, and while I fully wanted to be a woman at the time and at the height of my depression issues, I thought that's what I wanted, talking with Bree has made me realize I'd been re-assessing myself and while I firmly believe I'm genderfluid at this point and firmly on the crossdressing and not transitioning end of things, I've really been dealing with this and purging for quite a long time. It's definitely stressers that really bring it to the forefront though. Especially looking back on it.

When I was 9 my parents divorce was turning really ugly and there were fights back and forth all the time. While the feeling would remain for awhile, when that evened out so did that feeling, or at least I honestly can't remember it. This would have been four or five years after I was molested as a child though too.

In my teens I ended up having to leave everything I'd known to head out and spend my senior year in high school in a completely new area hundreds of miles from where I'd grown up and that junior year I was mostly on my own and knew it was coming. Huge piles of stress and I'm sure depression right along with it, so knowing what I know now and looking back, this makes total sense that I was looking for something and dressing up, even in those jeans and blouses did it for me and made that go away. 

This would eventually lead to me looking into this again when my free ride to a private university fell apart because my family quit working there and I was stressed and depressed. I'd end up packing it away again when I met Bree because she made all that go away and got me back on track and was amazing.

Fast forward though through fifteen years together and we're both working opposite shifts with no end in sight, me working a miserable shift where I barely saw anyone I knew and hated the people I did work with but was also left almost entirely alone for 70% of my work time and the depression kicked up into high gear along with an urge to dress and everything I'd packed away came barreling out and I explored and came to what I thought was the right conclusion and it kind of broke me a bit. I mean what would that do to Bree? What would this mean for me? 

After trying to figure out how to talk to her about it for two years, she stumbled on it on her own and I was forced to really look at it and coupled with her need to learn we realized some things and worked through some things and it got me where I'm at now. I still need therapy and to work through my childhood issues, but now I have a better outlet to deal with the stress in the way that works for me, and Bree has not only taken it in stride, but been an amazing wife and partner and I couldn't ask for a better situation to try and get through something with the person I love rather than continue fighting it on my own. 

Hell Plague

By KittenNikki,

So after taking care of Bree for almost a week, I've contracted the milder form of the Hell Plague. So when I'm feeling better I'll be back on here more. Right now there's a lot of moping and moaning and drinking of juice. 

Am I a girl trapped in a man’s body? That was the question that was plaguing me for so long and that I thought I had the answer to, but I was also really struggling with it because my experiences and feelings didn’t fall in line with what I was seeing from other people in the community. I knew I felt like that some days and some days I didn’t at all. And I realized when I got saddled with working hours that didn’t fit with Bree’s and my depression flared up because I didn’t get to be around her much that I was having more bad days where I didn’t feel like myself than good days.

After actually working through a lot of this, mainly because I was forced to take a serious look at it, but either way really needed to, the answer to that question started to emerge. Am I a girl trapped in a man’s body? While I have days it feels that way, I am something else. When I’m in boy mode I don’t regret being there one bit. When I want to be in girl mode yes, but once I get there it’s great. I definitely bounce back and forth based on my stress and emotional needs and these past few weeks we’ve managed to incorporate some physical needs as well.

Some days I really feel one way or another. Am I ever going to be an alpha male? Hell no. Bree and I have talked about this a few times over the years and I’m definitely not the leader of a pack and am more the beta male. Even in my relationship with Bree, a lot of the time I step back and let her lead the way. There are some things that I lead on and always have but we’d both talked about this in the past. 

So where does that leave me on this gender roller coaster? Well I’ve been doing the girl/boy mode thing with Bree the past few weeks at home and it feels extremely comfortable with her. I can go with whatever I feel I am that day and she’s completely cool with it. If I’m stressy and need it I can jump into girl mode or if I’m just feeling it the option is there as well. I got off the phone with the intake call for my therapy and immediately needed to swap. It was a bit nerve-wracking to feel that way to be honest as I was completely ok with boy mode just before the call. I told Bree though and swapped over and it was fine. She was cool, I was cool and it calmed me a lot.

That’s the other thing, I don’t have to do much to jump in and feel like I’m in girl mode. 90% of the time I just grab the breastforms and a bra and throw them on under my t-shirt and jeans and I’m good to go. If I know we’re not going out that night I might toss on my new pajamas, but I don’t feel the need to really dress up much to get to that comfortable place if I need it, which is great. Most of my more feminine outfits have been reserved for more intimate occasions as Bree is exploring this as much as I am and there is a bit of kink involved with some of this.  I really enjoy stockings, tights and thigh highs both on me and my partner. That’s a long standing thing that I don’t think will ever go away and I can blame the Rocketeer for that one.

Being so amazingly comfortable with Bree around and me in my different modes along with her far more extensive research (she went at it with a lot less bias then I did) I’m finding I’m much more in the crossdresser/transvestite classification on those psych charts than I’ll ever be in the transgender side of things. I don’t think HRT will ever be for me even though I’d been steered that way before. It’d definitely something to go far more in depth with my councilor about when we get to sit down next month and even then I’m betting it’ll be a few sessions before we really get into it, but I don’t get the feeling that I’m in the wrong body all the time and while I don’t hate my male bits, I do think I need to exercise more and lose some weight, but other than that and the body and facial hair I’ve always loathed, I’ve been pretty happy all around, especially with Bree backing me up. She’s been amazing and I’m lucky to have her and I’ve realized that even more since she found out my secret and we started talking. 

I do feel like this dark cloud has been lifted or at the very least parted and the light of my life is keeping that depression monster at bay and all my coping mechanisms aren’t just coping anymore but are actually damaging that ugly beast. Hopefully with the therapy that will get pushed back even more. I’m not foolish enough to think it’ll ever truly go away, but if I can make it this far I can push it back far enough that it won’t run my life like it had the past few years.  Boy mode or girl mode, I just want to be happy with Bree for the rest of our lives.

So last night was interesting and fun. I do admit I have certain kinks and my wife knows about them, but last night we decided to incorporate a number of them together for some Valentine’s Day fun after going out to see a movie and hanging out chit chatting through the evening. It was kind of an amazing thing and I loved that we were both able to connect over them in a way that we both got a lot out of it. This isn’t necessarily something she and I have ever approached before and most of that is definitely on me. Still though, connecting with Bree like this made for an amazing evening of fun that we both got a lot out of and I got to explore a kink with her that had previously more been just mine and it worked for both of us.  I may have gotten home and spent the evening in boy mode, but I definitely finished the night in girl mode and it was amazing. 

It’s been kind of liberating to really explore all of this with her and talk to her about it, and while I’m not going to say it’s cured my depression it most definitely has made me a lot happier in general which is always a good things. Bree and I are working on our language between each other so we can better alert each other to moods and so she knows when I need to be in which mode. I kind of surprised her yesterday when I got home from work and just stayed in boy mode all day. She figured with the holiday it’d be a trigger, but Valentine’s Day is one she and I always have shared together but not necessarily made a big fuss about as our birthdays and our anniversary kind of bookend it so it never really stood out. That and it being a Hallmark amped up holiday like Sweetest Day (It’s a big thing in Ohio but neither of us had heard about it from where we used to live and thought it was kind of ridiculous so we avoid that one too) makes it a little less special.  We might make a date night out of it, but we don’t go insanely overboard either.

On her recommendation I’m trying a new razor for my face and body hair. It’s a bit awkward to shave my face with but I can’t deny the results as I’m sporting one of the closest shaves this morning than I’ve had in a long while and touched up some of my body hair that was bugging me this morning too. I love her for kind of embracing this part of it and really trying to help me work through it. I realize she wants the hair gone for her own reasons as well, but it’s awesome being in concert with each other’s needs. 


 

Spent most of my afternoon lounging with Bree both in our computer room and spent some time upstairs. Worked on trying to figure out a few things in my 3D program without success and am now just enjoying raid night with the guild. 

Today has just been a t-shirt, gym pants and the bra and breastforms kind of day. 

I did use the nair this morning to remove my chest and stomach hair. If I'm ambitious I'll get my legs tomorrow. Bree is absolutely right about the smooth skin having much more sensation to it. Should have done this a long time ago. 

Now if only we could get something that works better on my facial hair we'd be gold.

So my breasts arrived today. Well the breastforms. I ended up getting the 1800g Motawator Silicone Breast Forms as they fit the bras I have access to and they looked like they'd be a good size for my frame and they are really fantastic.I am a little worried that it looks like I have constantly erect nipples but I'm sure I can cover those later if I go out.  The weight is really good and while the water balloons I'd been using were ok, these are a lot better at giving me the feeling I was looking for when I'd put on a bra and stuff it.  My Bree really spoils me. 

So here I am sitting in the bra I fixed, my breastforms, a turtleneck and a jumper and feeling very much in girl mode. It's exciting and I'm riding an emotional high right now. There was a little bit of intimacy between Bree and I and I think she's a little weirded out by them at the moment but she was at least curious, so that could be fun later. 

Sitting here with my own breasts hanging off of me has me thinking again about what I was talking about with Bree this morning. Part of why this had been quiet for so long until my depression kicked it up again, which isn't Bree's fault at all, but she's always made me feel wanted and makes me look at myself differently than I feel. I think that's the big reason I"M so comfortable talking about this with her now and letting her see me in girl mode and working with me in girl mode. She makes it more ok in my mind to be whatever I am at the moment and just make me feel better about being me. When she and I spent so much time talking through my feelings and thoughts and what we both were kind of expecting ultimately out of all this, it really kind of solidified a number of things and while I do honestly feel like I need to be a girl/woman some days and back in boy mode on others, even if it's just a little bit of dress up Bree makes this whole situation feel perfectly fine in my head. I really do feel like this makes everything that was screaming in my head over this quiet. 

Bree and I worked through some of the scales out there and I definitely feel mostly fit within the TV side with a few things that drift here and there. The depression has been extremely quiet and I've been feeling better mentally and emotionally these past few days than I have in a very long time. I've definitely got a lot to talk about with the counselor when I finally get to see her. Still a lot to work through, but at least this feels headed in the right direction. 

So while we were cleaning out the closet today so that Bri could hang up more of her clothes without my male clothes eating into her space and remove a lot of things and we went through some of her clothes since we're planning on sharing some of her clothes and mine.  Well that's when she mentioned her tights and if I wanted to try them as they were still too tight for her. I jumped at the chance. While dressing up in female mode I don't usually get physically excited, emotionally yes as I'm getting to be what I fell at that moment, but one of my kinks in either mode has been stockings, tights or pantyhose, either on me or my partner. Bri noticed this when I tried them on and between the two of us hatched a plan.

After cleaning out the closet she looked online and found a local place that had thigh high's in my size (those are also a big kink hit on top of that) and so we went out to get those for me. I was riding a pretty big emotional high through all of this, but then Bri snuck in a present for me while I was looking for compression hose at the same time. She picked out a necklace with a chain in my size and a really pretty clear gemstone in it. I loved the gesture and the necklace. It was a really sweet thing to do and really touching. When we got home things escalated quickly after I tried the new thigh-highs on along with the necklace and one of our shared baby dolls and we both had a blast. 

I really love that she did this for me and I do love sharing this little kink with her, I mean I had in the past but it didn't necessarily click, but well, we're all on board now.

I guess the stockings are part emotional along with the kink as well as I really associate these with my female side and the fact that Bri was able to get into this with me so much really hit a lot of my buttons physically and emotionally and made me very happy and very satisfied. So overall this was an interesting day for all of this.

Work was going well until a few snags really hit a few buttons. Stress at work usually isn't a trigger for me, but since I've been more open about it with Bri, it's been on my mind a bit more. I did get fidgety a bit at work while it was going on and a bit after, but talking to Bri about it settled it. I'd wanted to get into girl mode after work yesterday and especially after the doctor's office visit but it wasn't practical and there was too much going on. I made do and Bri really made letting my doctor know what was going on that much better. She's been a rock through this, well at least when she's been talking to me about it.

I am really excited as my breast forms I ordered should be arriving tomorrow. I will definitely be going into girl mode when those arrive and letting Bri destroy the water balloons I've been keeping around since she found out about all of this. I imagine she'll have fun and it'll be fairly therapeutic as well. ;)