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Finding my way...well at least starting to...

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I've just moved back home after being away living at my parents' house for 10 weeks following separation from my girlfriend of 8 years. Early this year and following a long, gradual "sink down" into this bad unhealthy relationship I decided to take a "deep dive" look into that whirlwind of crazy thoughts in my head and to my horror (or so I thought at the time), discovered what is gender dysphoria. I immediately recognized myself. That led me to spend the next four months locked up in my recording studio downstairs, smoking excessive amounts of hash and watching crazy shit on the web while trying to numb myself as much as possible, somehow hoping this dysphoria thing would magically go away...yeah that really worked!

Finally in April, getting really scared I would trigger another downward spiral into other drugs or alcoholism (I have not drank since 2000) so I looked for and luckily found a clinical psychologist who specializes in Trans people like us and through several long emails and one telephone conversation, helped me realize I had to make this real and move forward with my transition. That led me to have a complete emotional breakdown and I left two days later.  Since my ex has deep long term personality issues, a heavy drinking problem and always promised to work to help with bills but never did, leaving was easily justified without having to "out" myself.

After a couple of weeks, I decided I would come out to my 17 year old step daughter Isabelle as she is the person who is closest to me.  Her generation is amazing...she totally got it and was actually extremely happy I am doing this and willing to encourage and help me through my whole transition.  

My sister who is 4 and a half years younger than me was the second one I was going to tell. For the record I am 48. She is in psychology having gone back to school to earn her doctorate and will be finished before the end of this year.  I met her at a Casey's restaurant in Ottawa and gave her the news.  She was very compassionate about the whole thing, realizing her "brother" has been living with this "her" whole life.  I do have to say it took her about a month and one visit to my own therapist to truly accept what I have and have to do...  This has actually brought us much closer.

My ex has left me an incredible mess as she was a clothes hoarder and when I stepped in the house a week before last Friday, I walked over to my couch, sat down and still couldn't help but get the biggest smile on my face and take in a feeling of incredible relief and liberation.  Relieved by the fact that I could start living as myself for the first time in my life and liberated by the fact I could start anew on my own terms. I also knew I wouldn't be going through this alone.  Shortly after leaving 10 weeks previous, Isabelle asked me if she could stay with me.  I said yes since it was ok with her mom and asked her to come to one of my sessions with my therapist.  This was important to me as I played a huge role in raising her and want to be there for her always.  My therapist later congratulated me about us having such a healthy relationship and added I am lucky to have her with me during this difficult time...

I am 6' tall and during the last year have lost 75 pounds by quitting wheat and closely monitoring my sugar intake.  After moving back, I put all my clothes in bags except for the essentials I need for work and gave them away to charity...  Shortly after having told Isabelle my little secret, she took me shopping at La Senza and I bought all new underwear having the plan to ditch all my boxers as soon as I returned home...I did that and it felt wonderful!  Guess I have to start somewhere...

My therapist has pointed me to a group which meets monthly which helps a lot and she also helped me find a new family doctor who has agreed to refer me to an endocrinologist for hormones asap.  This doctor's appointment in on August 12th and I can't wait...

My anxiety is through the roof...

In closing this first of many blog entries, I want to say how grateful I am for having found this site and also how proud and priviliged I feel of having this community from which I am learning a lot and already feeling a lot of love and support...

Thank you tgguide and I hope my entries will help others as much as reading this site has helped me so far...

With love from Gatineau, Quebec...

Roxanne


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4 Comments

Posted

Roxanne,

Congratulations on starting your transition!  I'm also 48 years old (for another week anyway), and just started myself in the past few months (after a couple of years of cross-dressing without acknowledging being trans).  It can be a challenge, but it's worth it for the emotional relief - as you mentioned!

xoxo

Christie

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Posted

Dear Roxanne,

Am so proud of you!  It is never too late!  So glad to hear of your children's support and that you have removed yourself from that toxic situation!

Every Fall and Spring, I do a deep clean, and, as part of that, I try on all my clothing.  If anything does not fit well or no longer looks good on me, I either donate it to charity, or, throw it out.  This is therapeutic in itself!

You go, girl!

Yours truly,

Monica

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Posted (edited)

Roxanne,

As above comments, plus I was 55 when I first came out to my wife, it's been gradual since, but I am now totally Eve & 59. I well remember the pleasure I felt getting rid of my male clothes. I hope that you have a good appointment with the Doctor you mentioned and that you have a productive session with your Endocrinologist, I found oestrogen wonderful, and testosterone blockers to be a truly amazing "game changer".

But a word of caution, please , please be sure it's what you want, it doesn't take long with this treatment to reach the "point of no return".

Good Luck & Cheers,

Eve

Edited by eveannessant
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Posted (edited)

But a word of caution, please , please be sure it's what you want, it doesn't take long with this treatment to reach the "point of no return".

May the point of no return come and go.  I am very ready and looking forward to all the wonderful and permanent changes this will bring me!

Thank you so much for your kind words Eve...breaking the isolation is a very important part of transition and you are helping with this!

Roxanne 

Edited by RoxanneLafleur
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