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Trans Suicide TW

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I nearly commited suicide today.  I was so triggered by the thought of asking for help from my family.  I feel my long road of resilience and survival has been wasted if I'm expected to care about this man who has consistently tortured me for my 43 years, all the while putting me in the worst possible place.

I felt humiliated, demeaned, hurt, abused, and subject to harsh misogyny.  No matter how much I protest, assert myself, give myself pats on the back, try to boost my self-esteem as a trans woman, everything comes back to one fact: I am just not good enough as a human being.  Everyone has to lecture me, tell me the way things are, refuse to let me into their circles, give me condescending mansplanations and exclude me from the positions of online leadership I have shown I am prepared and experienced for.

I hate this shit, and it's insulting and degrading.  Human beings need help. I've been excluded from these kinds of affirmations of my humanity since I was eight years old.  It is not my fault that I hate the world and everyone in it. I really tried to see the good in things, including myself.  There just isn't any.




2 Comments

Posted

Well that's a brave entry, however much I want to click the like button I can't because the content is so sad. STOP Please do not think of suicide.

No you shouldn't care about anybody remotely like the person or people that you describe, you should care about yourself, and ask yourself what would make you happy in your life? These people are not concerned about you, they are concerned with their own social standing, it sounds so very conservative and old fashioned.

It sounds as if a completely fresh start is needed, re-boot your life, start afresh somewhere known to be liberal away from your current location, new place, people, job and thinking.

Where are you located? I'll try to avoid it!

Hugs,

Eve

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Posted

Dear SteamBelle,

Thank you for writing, you came to the right place.  If it helps, I know these feelings all too well.  Twice in the last year I've called both the Transgender Suicide Hotline (http://www.translifeline.org) and my therapist. You're right, they won't fix everything, but they do provide a safe place to vent out loud, which is a heck of wonderful benefit.  

I don't want to come off all preachy and know-it-all, I don't want to push you away. So I am not sure what to write.  All I can say is keep trying, keep talking, keep getting to know and accept yourself.  

It's a long road and it's unfair how much it can suck at times.  I've had these TG feelings and envies since I was maybe three or four, and carried the shame of it from about that same time when I realized how "wrong" it seemed to be. I lived a lie, hiding my feelings, terrified that they would come out, went through one marriage and almost a second.  Lots of therapists and so forth, but even there my shame was so deep I had trouble sharing with them (man or woman, I've tried both) my deepest and truest feelings.

The good news is that in the past two years I have, for the first time, completely come out to my therapist and later, to my wife. God, that was tough.  The therapist is terrific - we connected and he's utterly supportive and considerate.  My wife: also supportive, but also very conflicted about what I told her.  Thankfully, she gave me the space to really dive in and explore myself, which I did, and which was hard enough in itself.  I sit here today feeling a lot better in my skin, and thoughts of suicide do sometimes return, although fleetingly, as having carried such crap for so long it's like an automatic go-to thinking pattern. 

I just wanted to share with you that I, like most others here at TGG, have and are going through similar stuff.  You're among friends and I hope you will take advantage of the wonderful people here, and most important, reach out to others. If you can afford it, find a therapist and talk it out. It's hard and takes a long time and investment to find the one that works for you, but you're worth it.

Hugs,

Emma

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