I nearly commited suicide today. I was so triggered by the thought of asking for help from my family. I feel my long road of resilience and survival has been wasted if I'm expected to care about this man who has consistently tortured me for my 43 years, all the while putting me in the worst possible place.
I felt humiliated, demeaned, hurt, abused, and subject to harsh misogyny. No matter how much I protest, assert myself, give myself pats on the back, try to boost my self-esteem as a trans woman, everything comes back to one fact: I am just not good enough as a human being. Everyone has to lecture me, tell me the way things are, refuse to let me into their circles, give me condescending mansplanations and exclude me from the positions of online leadership I have shown I am prepared and experienced for.
I hate this shit, and it's insulting and degrading. Human beings need help. I've been excluded from these kinds of affirmations of my humanity since I was eight years old. It is not my fault that I hate the world and everyone in it. I really tried to see the good in things, including myself. There just isn't any.