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Confusion and Frustration

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I was super excited for this time of year at one point, but now I'm realizing more and more that I'm dreading it deep down inside. Nothing I recieve will be for 'Ren' or 'Warren', but all for 'Kristy'. It hurts and it makes me want to avoid christmas altogether. I've been fighting constantly with my mother just to get visitation with my lil sibling Kai for christmas, as was promised. It has turned into chaos to get her to let her come over, and to be honest shes pissing me off. Finally, after Kai crying and basically begging my mom to let them come over, it's been settled and I'm picking Kai up on friday the 11th. I have plans for christmas with her but do not want to say here on the off chance that my mother might have access, though I have no freaking clue how she would. But she's evil and manipulative so I wouldnt doubt it if she did. Just to 'keep tabs' on me. Yes, I'm slightly paranoid right now.

Otherwise, work has been great and whatnot. I have 90% of my xmas shopping done and (shockingly) wrapped which is nice. My xmas cards are 80% done aside from mailing them out or handing them out as most dont need to be put in the mail. Which is kind of nice. And I'm still not entirely pleased with the extra blog on my tgg account (alex -_-) but I guess I should just let it go, since he didnt really have anywhere else to post and isnt very tech savvy. It still seems really really weird to consider myself one of multiple. Just months ago, he were simply a figment of my imagination. A constant and obnoxious voice in the back of my head that I would argue with until it reduced me to frustrated tears. But he's certainly real...no matter how I wish it wasnt true, and I could just be some normal transgender dope. But I guess it could be worse....some people with MPD have destructive alts or child or "littles" alts. Thankfully, as far as I know, its just Alex and he's both mature and non-destructive. Though I wasnt pleased to wake up from a hangover -_- Thanks a lot. >:( 

I'm still trying to process the whole thing....I half wonder sometimes if its just a secret side of myself attempting for attention but if it was, then why do we have full conversations and talk back and forth constantly when I'm at work, where no one else is around? If it was for attention, then who would I be doing it for if we're alone? We.....such a weird feeling to say 'we' instead of 'me'. But somehow, it feels more suiting. I just sucks that I have to keep quiet about it around everyone offline. Granted, my boyfriend knows but from what I told him, he assumes that is just a switch of personality, not a switch of person. He sees it as my mind blocking out something and forcing an emotion instead, kind of like being bipolar. He's never met Alex. Not officially. Alex is very very good at surpressing his accent and emotions enough and pretend to be me that no one notices. Aside from downing a drink that I normally would never be able to finish. >.> Again, thanks for that....

 

Basically life is really confusing right now. I'm not sure what is me and what is him or what is imagination and just...It's hard when I do not have a full validation that it's real or not. I've considered seeing a therapist but there arent any in my area who will take my insurance. I cant afford another bill :( Thankfully we've met another person who has MPD (a MUCH bigger system than alex and I. They have over 12 alts 0.0 holy sh--) and it's nice because it gives him someone to talk to that I trust him doing that with. And it gives me someone to ask advice from. Right now, I still am very very very VERY hesitant on talking to anyone offline about this. Only you guys and a few who have paid attention in my transregulars group on FB actually know about him. I can probably count them all on one hand (aside from you guys on TGGuide). Still is very weird to me......

 

As a sidenote, I told him he could pick my next haircut. And he hasnt let me forget >.< So, pics upcoming when I get it cut next week. Wish me luck....

 

-Ren

 

P.S. PROJECTS:

Front Lawn: (no snow yet, poo!)12311039_1517238535236831_3792454453305212345481_1517238518570166_37195588661415

 

CREAM CHEESE/CHOCOLATE CHIP FILLED MONKEY BREAD (IN EACH BITE)

12249593_1514497808844237_64047732503299

 

XMAS SNOWMEN I MADE FOR KAIRI & MACKENZIE (NIECES) AND JORDAN (BABY BROTHER)

12243504_1514747538819264_35015312335148


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Posted

Hey Ren,

Glad I get to be first to wish you a merry Christmas. Certainly sorry to hear about you, your mom, and Kai.  But then again, at least you get to (finally) see her on the 11th, so that's something to look forward to.  And good on you for getting so far ahead of most of us on shopping, wrapping, and cards.  You're amazing, man. I haven't even started.  It's also good to hear that work is going well especially after all of the trials and tribulations in your past gig, right?  It'd be fun to hear more about how that's going for you.  

Sorry to hear you can't see a therapist.  No, you're not a TG dope by any stretch.  I don't know about MPD.  I think we all have little conversations with ourselves. I've read that it's mostly about our mind's automatically trying to sort things out as they come, to make sense of them, to see if there is danger - that sort of thing.  If you're interested, read Thinking Fast and Slow.  But you'd better be really interested 'cause it's a very thorough treatment of the subject.  Anyway, maybe the other guy inside you is that alter-ego we all have that, like you, is pissed off about his being restricted from fully expressing himself as he is.  But I do wish you could see a therapist to talk this out.  Sounds like it would be a very fruitful thing to do.  

I like your photos! To me it says a lot positive about someone who, while otherwise feeling pretty crappy and down, is able to get their shopping done, set up the Christmas displays, and plan for a haircut.  Keep writing and letting both you and Alex vent.  Can't hurt and possibly will help.  And definitely, send your photo with your new haircut!

Hugs,

Emma

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