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Anxiety, Doubt, Friend problems and Dysphoria

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I havent blogged in a little bit...Mostly due to being sick, really. I took on several extra shifts for my boss because she came down with a flu-like sickness (which is sadly going around.) and now it seems like I got it. Thankfully it's gotten better over the past few days with some help from bedrest and Ginger Ale. And of course, binge watching Supernatural. Almost 2 seasons in the course of 3 days :P 

But with the new year starting out and my new insurance starting in Feburary, on comes a new(er) anxiety that's been bugging me like a mad dog in the back room. Surgery. I want it done this year. I need it done this year. At this point, I cant even tie my own  shoes without nearly passing out from suffocation. It's just so damn hard to do daily life things with these......unbarable bags of yuck on my chest. I feel like my chest is under there, under the disgusting lumps--I just cant touch or see it. So now I have to go through the anxiety all over again of applying to have it approved and covered....or potentially declined. Again.

 

Plus putting up a post about being sick and someone told me to "go P on a stick lol" -_- I know she wasnt trying to be mean, but you DONT say that to a transguy. That is legit the worst case scenario that instantly put me into an anxiety attack and made me feel sick. I dont think I'd be able to handle it if it was true...I think I'd rather die than have kids.

And honestly....I'm really sick of people telling me not to get my hopes too high, because it only makes me feel worse and less optimistic. Like I'm legit applying and the only possible outcome is denial. I'm starting to feel that overwhelming sense of depression all over again just thinking about being denied once more. Shoved aside and told to "deal with it" And then to add insult to injury, my GoFundMe page.

I was shown a page (to laugh at) of a girl who has a gofundme page to remove a damn 420 (marijuana reference) tattoo from her damn forehead. She's been given over 1k$ in THREE DAYS!!!!!!!! And the comments below expose the fact that she's done this three times for the same cause, used all the money and never got the tattoo removed and starting all over again afterwards! Like----WHAT?! I've had my gofundme for a year with only 150$ and it's for a legit problem, and this scamming twit has over 1k$ just HANDED to her!? Ridiculous......

I cant go another year like this...I really cant. I feel like it's legit killing me. I cant breathe. I cant function. I cant work out, I cant go for walks because I cant breathe---I cant keep living like this. I'm to that mindset that if they dont do it for me, I'll mutilate myself to the point where they wont have a choice but help. I cant keep this up...I really cant. At this point I would have normally turned to cutting already, but I've so far only had one episode and I instantly regretted it and didnt do nearly as much damage as I normally would have....

 

Then I have the added problem of friendship issues. Alex has become really good friends with her, and I've gotten further away. I knew she was going to ask me to roleplay. And I just....dont want to anymore. I dont want to roleplay with anyone. I just cant keep trying to put myself in a fantasy land when I have way too much stuff going on in real life. I just dont have the imagination for it anymore. But she asked anyway when we barely started to talking again. Hardly gave me time to get used to talking again before she popped the question. Kind of ruined my want to talk to anyone. All my RP friends do the same thing. As if the only interesting thing about me was my roleplay, and since I dont RP now, they dont know what to do with me. Geez...thanks...I know she didnt do it to be mean but geez....let me breathe for a few weeks before trying to pull me back into normality....But I let Alex and whoever talk to her whenever they want. I've NEVER told them no. But she asks about me which I understand, and I had the opportunity to come and say hi while I was out, so I did.

I got the "Warren" instead of "Ren" again. And it's not the first time. She's been doing it a lot, calling me Warren instead of Ren. To me, coming from her, that just feels extremely non-personal. She keeps trying to call me "storbror" which was sort of our thing when I was "normal" but I'm not comfortable with it anymore and I told her I wont be doing pet names anymore. But she still does it -_- Anyway, I said "You know you can call me Ren right?" and she just replies with "Yes, I know."....Uh...ok? So I asked if that was a desensitizing thing. That every time I say hi, it's Warren not Ren an it felt like she's trying to unfamiliarize herself with me. And she just....blows up.

"Um, no. First off, I talk to Alex, Milo and Abby (So?). You've been quiet today and I've been talking to alex all day. I was just making sure it was you (so there's others named Ren? Dont think so....) And you're such a liar. Whenever I talk to you its Storbror or babe. So dont even start with me." 

Then it goes to the whole "you always jump own my throat when I'm wrong, even if I'm not, but somehow you're a saint" type thing. Wow. Thanks. I ask a question and I'm automatically the bad guy....TOTALLY  makes me want to  say Hi more often...I'm just..I'm so done trying to---I dont know, try. Every time I do, she gets pissy about something I said or did. I'm just  tired of being the bad guy. Alex or whoever wants to stay friends with her, fine. Whatever. But why is it that every time I walk away and say I'm done, I somehow always go back? I dont like fighting with her all the time and I legit do. And either she admits it or not, it is NOT always brought on by me. I dont know, I guess I'm just ranting. It's nice knowing someone here is actually listening to what I'm saying, even if there arent comments. I'm just tired of talking to walls...

It feels like I have no one to talk to anymore.

Most (if not all) my friends know I exist but dont acknowledge it. Plus any friends I did have, Alex or Abby now has, an I've been forgotten. Theyre more interesting or more talented or something and I get pushed to the side. Always do...I've considered just letting one of them out full time an saying [the heck with it], I'm out. Abby can do whatever the hell she wants, grow out my hair and be the chick my boyfriend wants. I just cant deal with it much longer...I cant even commit suicide because I'd be taking them out with me. Why would I deprive everyone else of their friends? I honestly have no 'want' left in me....

-The less interesting brother


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Posted

Ren,

Good luck with insurance and surgery! It really seems like even aside from dysphori you have medical issues with your breasts that they should cover. But it is insurance (mind only came around to covering transition costs because New York made them, it would be great of more states, or the federal government, would do the same).

The problem with friends sounds complicated! At the risk of sounding new agey or Oprah-ish, I think the longer you live your more authentic life the more likely you are to start meeting new friends who will be more compatible with you. Not that it means giving up existing ones, just adding new - which might relieve some of the issues with the old ones.

And of course you always have us to talk to :)

Xoxo

Chrissy

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Posted

Would be nice but I dont meet new people. I work, I sleep, I go on facebook (the land of fake) and go back to work.

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Posted

Dear Ren,

You have every right and reason to be frustrated, angry, and impatient. And yeah, it sucks that your "friends" are so few and seems that their depth and consideration of you is shallow.  It does get harder as adults to meet more friends - especially ones that we really connect with. I don't have many (outside of TGG :rolleyes:). Besides my wife, my therapist, we really have only two who thankfully are another couple that my wife also likes.  We met serendipitously. I met him at a fiction writing class over ten years ago. Wasn't looking for friends, just interested in writing.  (And having one heck of a time not focusing on things-transgender, but that's another story.) 

If I may, I think that finding friends is like finding lovers and partners. When we are on looking, on the prowl, it's rare that we find someone, or at least someone that really matters to us.  Mostly it happens when it's the last thing on our minds. Like grocery shopping, or a book reading, or a Sierra Club event (not sure if you have such a thing where you are).  So my advice is this: find something out of your home that intrigues you, even a little, and go do it. Just go see if you like it and the people. If you don't, that's cool, at least you know.  And then go find another one until you find yourself enjoying the company of the others, irrespective of their gender, sex, or orientation. Who knows, you might find new friends and more.  At the least you'll be outside not hanging out with FB friends, and connecting with others.

But like Chrissy and Veronica said, we're always here for you too.

Warm hugs,

Emma

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