Chantel

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Posted

*hugs*  I can't really offer any advice, only you can decide what is truly best for you, but I'm so sorry life has been that hard for you, and I can offer friendship, thoughts, hugs, and support.  :)   Have you had the conversations with your wife?  If so, how did they go?  Nikki hid all this from me for 17 years of marriage, and while there was a shock and give me a period to sort out my feelings of a few days when I stumbled into it, I really surprised him and started learning and talking it out with him.  It's why I came here, I was looking for an environment to learn what it all means and how to better meet his needs.  Is it possible your wife would benefit?  Or do you need her not to be here for your peace of mind?

I won't pretend I am on board with every potential end result, I was really honest with Nikki that he needs to do what he needs to do for himself, or herself if his gender fluidity changes, but I can't follow into hrt/surgery territory because I don't function that way emotionally or sexually.  It's not an ultimatum, and I'll always be part of his life, I'd never want to never see him or her again, but reality sucks sometimes and I can no more 'cure' my sexual and romantic orientations than Nikki can 'cure' who he is inside (and since we don't know each other yet I'd like to state for the record I use the male pronouns for Nikki because he indicated I do so at this point to me), but we are doing the research and making choices together.  And I was very clear that he needs to make the best choices for him, even if they aren't what is best for me.  Right now transition isn't something he actually wants to persue, and being included in both his self-discovery and the physical realitiies of crossdressing has meant all the world to me even when it was scary sometimes, and our marriage has fully engaged now that there are no secrets.  And being able to actually talk to me and ask questions has changed Nikki's understanding of himself, not to please me, but in answering my questions he had to really explore what it all meant to him to explain it to me, and I inadvertently helped him figure out his needs and feelings better.  Maybe talking to her honestly and knowing where it all stands will help you make your choices from a place of knowledge vs. fear of loss? Even if it's bad? 

What I do understand from my position as a cisgender spouse, which limits my personal understanding to the academics, is that this is going to intensify for you as you go.  And this is JUST my personal opinion feeling, but understanding that, is it possibly better to face the potential end of the marriage sooner so that you have more time to build the new life that you need, vs. forcing yourself into a crisis point?   And only you know your spouse, but perhaps they may surprise you?  The emotional intimacy gains are huge, even though I freely admit I fear sometimes for our future.  I'm working on that fear. 

Take all these thoughts with a grain of salt, I'm new at this and only have a limited working knowledge of others react in these situations, and I can only offer thoughts based on my academic learning and personal experiences with Nikki.  However this goes for you, I wish you the best possible outcome and a life of joy and laughter.

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My or oresent problem is I would like to transition but feel I can't because it would cause too many
problems for my wife and my adult children. I also don't want to lose them.

The truth here in my opinion is when hearing this (and have heard this many times) is what about your mental well-being? Can you envision yourself living a lie? The cold hard truth is, and should go without saying, see a qualified therapist and if they indicate you may very well be better off transitioning at one level or another to keep sane then it would be wise to entertain their thoughts on the matter of you, your life and your families lives.

The atomic family is ever changing when only considering hetrosexual couples, toss in a third gender or a cisgender person who would be better off transitioning to the level of transition that makes them a well rounded person ought to be considered.

My marriage, one reason for failure was I was living a lie. Lost a wife but through the years have always been close to my children and after transitioning I am here, I thinking of it as a late reboot down the road of life.

Food for thought.

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It is now some time since I last wrote and my life has settled into a routine. My wife and I are still a together, I have begun taking hormones and I feel so much better.

It has been slow but steady progress in my relationship with my wife whom I love and appreciate greatly. I just pray that it will work out between us and that she is happy. I have said how much I love her and that I understand my decision is my choice and not hers. We discussed my needs and we have made some compromises. These have been that I dress tomboy in the day time and save my dresses for the evening. I still dress in the day but wear girl jeans, androgenous tops, clear nail varnish, mascara, bra etc.

It must be very hard for her and we have talked many times. She sometimes feels angry and sometimes loving and supportive. I can only be thankful for her love.

I have Ben taking hormones for just over seven weeks now and the biggest change has been to my breasts. My nipples are slightly larger, harder and there are slight swelling in my breasts. I can also feel small lump's behind my nipples and like a flat thickening in my breast which catches behind my arm when I read across my front. My equipment also seems to have shrunk as well as other changes down there but I am not sure about describing these here.

I  am very happy so far and sincerely hope for positives to continue. Also thank you to my wife and contacts.

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If you're wife needs someone to talk to, I'm not in the same boat as she is as at this point Nikki identifies as gender/fluid/crossdressing and transitioning is not currently happening, but I would be happy to listen and offer whatever support I can.  I may  not know all the feelings she is having right now, but I can still offer hugs and a safe ear if she would find that helpful. 

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Thank you Briannah. Your offer is appreciated.

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