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So last night I asked Nikki to reconsider his resistance to antidepressants and talk to Bethany(our doctor) about finding the right one.  It has been 20 years since I was on one, and my understanding of the modern choices is that the different kinds aren't just different brands, but work differently on different types of issues.  I assume Bethany will know more, she's been concerned about his mental state for a while and wanting him to talk over the options with her.  She's not a pill pusher, in fact she swings the other way, let's try to control things first through behavioral adaptation, if not, then lets start with the lowest dosages possible and slowly increase until we reach a workable effect is her approach.  I trust her not to zombie him out, but help us choose the right medication to ease him back into his emotions so that his therapist can better help him work with them.  The therapist has also been talking about them to him. 

The more we talked, the more clear he made it to me that he ONLY feels sadness, numbness, anger, or extreme high happy.  All the other emotions of life are just gone.  This isn't unusual for depression, but it does make it such a hard condition to defeat. 

I have taken them during my first bout with depression, it was what made me able to deal with the actual issues going on in my head and know what I really actually felt about them because it restored my ability to feel.  It took six months and two different prescriptions to find the right one for me, but it was worth it.  The frustrating part was i was a minor and my parents kept me on the one that wasn't working for four months, two months after my therapist told them I needed to be switched because there should have been an effect.  And I think the depression never had a chance to get as deep into me because I was already in therapy for the add and the Dr. recognized the symptoms of the second disorder sliding in and treated it very quickly with the two prong medication and therapy approach.  And taught me how to self treat without the pills once I was recovering.  Which is how I pulled myself out of that I feel nothing pit I was in in 2011.  I don't think Nikki ever pulled out of it, I think he just quietly slid deeper and can't find his way out. 

I honestly don't know if I'm surprised or not, but he agreed to do so without much discussion, and most of the discussion about antidepressants was me making sure he understood that I wasn't asking him to take the pills as a cure, that doesn't happen, but as a tool to be able to regain his emotions to help him sort out what is happening to him and cure himself with therapy and healthy living.  Still no suicidal issues I can see, but l know what long term lack of emotion does to people.  Been to those memorials. 

He remembers being happy up until around 2011, even when things were hard, remembers emotional ranges and the sheer variety of feelings and thoughts, he just can't touch them anymore.  That breaks my heart for him.  They aren't something I can find for him.  But I can do my level best to make sure he is trying to get better, and has the tools to do so. 


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I do think that's a big reason why it's hard to describe my feelings on things a lot of the times is there just haven't been any. I'm just kind of cruising through all of this and know I should feel it, but just do't and have been kind of on cruise control with no idea how to switch it off. I am glad you had that talk with me cause the more we talk the more I figure this out with you. I'm kind of awful at working things out in my head, especially since I don't really seem to be able to muddle through. 

I didn't know you were on them either. I'm sorry your parents were such slugs about getting you off the wrong and trying another one though. That had to be tough. 

Definitely going to talk to my doctor about it and see what she thinks as far as what to try. I guess wanting to feel again is a good step at least and better than just shrugging it off. I want to be the smiling Nikki that use to hang around you.


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Wanting to regain the things you lost IS the first step.  You used to love life so much, it was infectious to everyone around you.  I would love to see that joy in you again and watch you laugh at our dog being stupid or the squirrel winning the backyard war. 

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That is a gorgeous photo!  I will have to try to find a photomanip I did ages ago (if it wasn't backed up on the stolen laptop, a lot of my work was).  I used to practice in photoshop trying to do really subtle ghosts in various clip art, and I had one really pretty one I"m proud of where I changed the moonlight across a lake into a lady, but you have to want to see her to notice.  I'd love to share her with you!  I should try to do that again.  I'm not really creative from scratch, but I am almost good at mixing various elements of things nicely.  :)

The thing I want most in the world though, is my happy Nikki back.  He loved life and laughter SO much.  No matter how crazy things were, he was awesome and enjoying life even while dealing with the hard things.  There were jokes and hugs, silent moments and sadnesses, then comfort and banding together.  He's the most amazing person I ever met. And when he was healthy inside, he literally sparkled.  Like someone in an anime.  I miss his sparkle, and I'll search anywhere to find it for him.  :)  I Know he has to find it himself, but I'm going to do whatever I can to help. 


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