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Fascination Street

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So, I think one of my earliest identity issues was that I didn’t know I was transgender, and having had no real role models to look to, or internet to search, I made that big mistake of confusing sexuality with gender.

I had always known I was different and I put a lot of these feelings down to being sexually abused by a man when I was younger.

I made the mistake of feeling feminine rather than masculine and blamed that on my confusion around what had happened in my younger years. So, like others I tried whatever I could to repress those feelings, I abused my body by self-harming; something I began shortly after the abuse.

I would burn, scold, cut and break as much of my body as possible, culminating in quite a broken body, both mentally and physically. Obviously, this couldn’t go on.

Around 10 years ago I entered in to professional help, and spent much of the next two years learning to deal and come to terms with much of this emotional baggage. It was during this time that I began to dig deeper in to these ‘feelings’ and to explore what it actually all meant.

Knowing now what I didn’t know until then was a massive sea change in my life and once I had learned to take control of what this meant, life has become a little easier.

One of my major ‘revelations’ was that gender does not equal sexuality and this has helped me to move beyond my repressive behaviour and to live a little more at peace with who I am.

Obviously like many ‘different’ social groups, collectively we are seen in a sexual nature. With the boundaries between a Crossdresser, Transvestite and Transgender being viewed as one in the same, when in fact, we are very different in nature and purpose. I think this is also why so many transition later in life, because we have yet to understand where we fit within the gender spectrum ourselves.

Tests like the Cogiati are good in terms of helping those who are not transgender determine what it is about wanting to dress like a woman and what it means in particular to them. But for those who are transgender, it does nothing but confirm our beliefs. The Cogiati is, I guess similar to the multitude of quizzes you find in certain womens magazines or online. But for those of us who have known all along, it does nothing valuable, it’s not a diagnosis, or likely to influence us to who we are. In fact I have spoken to a number of post-operative Trans who, when taking the ‘test’ have come out as Androgynous, so it should never be taken as a definitive diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria.

So I guess, my main point is that, it’s ok to be different, but only you will know how different you actually are.

Love

C.xoxo 


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Dear Charli,

I cannot imagine the weight of your abuse and feelings, and thank you for providing a glimpse into your world. I certainly agree that neither sexuality or abuse equals our being transgender although I do understand that confusion. 

I am not aware that we are seen as a sexual attraction as a group although I dream of being attractive to a special woman who I will also be attracted to. We will see. I worry about rejection but that's for another post.

As for the Cogiati and other tests, to me they are like a carnival ride. Fun, exciting perhaps, but soon over and not meaning much. For us transwomen we hope they will help confirm what we know in our hearts. 

Love,

Emma

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