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10.31.17 Tuesday

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Good morning,

I came in from taking son to school and Deedee was sitting at the dining table looking all pretty with a long sleeve white tshirt, jeans and her boots and hat on.  I wasn't expecting to see it when I came in the front door and I guess I sort of looked dazed (I mean, it was 8:15am, I was, and still am, half asleep).  She thought that I was not happy about her going to work that way, but it wasn't true, I was just surprised and not sure, in my half asleep state, what was going on.  I know I should expect her to begin dressing up more and more, but it is still sort of a jolt to my system when I see her that way.  I will get used to it, over time.  And, it is Halloween also, so later on, when I had woken up a little more, it occurred to me that today was the best day as any to go out dressed up when it is light outside.  So far, it has been at night, and in dark restaurants.  She looked good, as always.  I guess I can't say handsome anymore.  

We are selling our house, and at the end of this month, we are going out on the road.  We don't know our destination, nor where our journey will take us.  This is a huge move, with lots of loose ends to tie up here, and I'm also leaving the area that my job is in, and taking it on the road, so if I have meetings I need to attend at the office, I'm trying to tie up all that stuff also.  Besides the usual move stuff; address forwarding, school papers for the boys, shot records from drs, packing what stuff we are not taking on the road, to be stored until after the first of the year, selling the things that we can before we leave.  My mind is full of stuff to do, besides the usual stuff, paying bills, cleaning, cooking, etc.  Yesterday, Deedee and I had a little disagreement about starting the HRT.  She came to me and said, I made an appt at a doctor for next week.  I thought we were going through this journey together, so that was shocking to me, that she would make an appt without asking me, or figuring out a babysitter for the boys, etc.  So I simply said, I thought we were doing this together? She took that to mean that I was against the whole idea.  I simply asked a question, and then I wanted to voice my concerns that considering I already have so many things on my plate that it would be better for my sanity if we waited until after our road trip, possibly the beginning of the year, to find a Dr and begin it then.  I can only handle so many things, emotionally, physically.  I was called selfish though, so I let it go.  After talking about it for a few hours, over the course of dinner time and getting kids to bed, I guess going to the appt isn't all bad.  Even if they give her the meds that day (which I doubt), at least it is a start.  We will find out the dosage course, and then look to transfer to another facility up north when we get there.  I will have to just watch myself even more to stay on an even level with my emotions, and not think too much when/if she gets overly aggressive or mean.  I already deal with a 5 yr old with ADHD and a 1 yr old that thinks everything is his, and screams bloody murder if he doesn't get what he wants.  If I turn off my emotions for a few months, its all good.  Momma is saving her sanity...

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Hi to both of you,

Communication is everything, especially now as Deedee is going through her transition as is L and the entire family. And going on the road besides, without knowing where you're going to relocate to? Wow, that's a lot.

On April 17 of this year I also took off on the road, in a small Winebago RV, heading north from the Bay Area toward Alaska. I left behind my wife of >20 years, our house, and my friends. I also didn't know where I'd end up. I saw myself possibly crisscrossing the US for a couple of years. As it turned out I reconnected with two lesbian friends (who're married to each other) in Seattle, and that, combined with my decision that I must live in a place that is not only trans-tolerant but trans-welcoming, that's where I settled. I have plenty of stresses but also have a wonderful support network of my original friends, new ones, and professionals. I never knew how important such a support network is. But this isn't about me. I'm only writing about it to provide some context.

L is remarkable that she's weathering this storm as well as she is. Name calling isn't okay - ever - from either of you. We all get angry and emotional; at times and that's just being human. My previous therapist advised that anger is a way of signaling "STOP" to the other. Maybe keep that in mind for the next time, that you both need to cool off a little.

My wife and I were advised by therapists over the years that communication is so important. Unfortunately this is something that my wife just doesn't handle well. We both tried, and to this day we love each other so much still, but we were unable to stay together. 

I suggest a book to bring with you on your trip: "Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar" by Cheryl Strayed. Perhaps when you need to, read one of the stories aloud to the other, and talk about the feelings this brings up for you. I love Cheryl Strayed and her book helped my wife and I as we tried to bridge our communication gap. Put the kids to bed, snuggle up with hot chocolate, and love each other.

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(L) Thank you for the advice.  I agree about the moving somewhere that is welcoming.  That is the part that we haven't figured out yet.  Our original plan was smack in the middle of the bible belt, and may now not be the best, though I do have family there that I would love to spend time with.  Deedee is a 'hothead', to put it midly lol.  She always has been, and always will be.  I work around it the best I can, and she has gotten tremendously better over the last 5 years with the outbursts.  Everything in life is a journey to making us better people, if we allow it.  We kind of wanted this to be a journal, with both of us retelling our stories, in our own versions, so this works right now, though in the future, we might want to break away and do separate things.


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You both really do have a lot going on, that can be really taxing (to say the least) - and personally there is very little that I'm happy about at 8:15 a.m. :-)  (unless it's Sunday, then I'm good).

I'm wondering - for both of you - if you have people to talk to? I mean therapy would be great, but difficult if you're going on the road, but even just close friends who you can talk to individually. Working together through all of this is great, but you do both have individual needs as well.

And with HRT, typically they'll do blood work first, so you'd have to wait a little anyway. And my own experience with it was that I did feel it, but it wasn't very disruptive. As I recall I just started noticing that I felt all emotions a little more than I had been (happy, sad, angry, etc., they were all just a little stronger). They also start you slow. I did accidentally double my dosage once - the pharmacy had changed the pills so that they were double what they had been and I kept taking the same number - once I realized (about a week) I went back and realized it had been having a pretty big impact - so the moral of the story is "stick with the correct dosage!"  :-)

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