4:15pm, 24 Oct
This has been one of those rough days. I didn't wanna get up to begin with. I stayed in bed, in that half-sleep state where dreams are strange yet preferrable, and even enjoyable in their sometimes disturbing surrealness, compared to being awake and conscious of real life. But, I finally got up.
Then, I signed in to the forums and started reading. One article after another seemed to only high-light and underscore the bigotry and indifference in this world. Some of that bigotry eminates from those that are from the gay side of our [alleged] family. Their just-below-the-surface contempt for their trans cousins is enough to make one sick. Then, there are the transpeople that are forced to end their lives because of intolerance. There's too much indifference about that from the cisgender world, and seemingly from the homosexual world, too.
Already feeling disgusted and angry from one article, my heart was left vulnerable to the sadness of suicide stats. So I sat here, stewing in anger and frustration, but also on the verge of crying. But the tears wouldn't come. Instead, there was just this painful lump in my throat that wouldn't go away. It just sat there, and in it's persistence, eventually gave me a headache.
Feeling aggitated, pissed, twisted up inside, I went in the kitchen and made a pot of coffee - a bad move considering I slept half the day away, and Mr. Coffee and the Sandman no longer work together. So, chances are, I won't sleep much tonite. I'll lay in bed and think of all the "if-I-had-onlys," the "if-I-could-go-back-in-times," the "why-did-it-have-to-be-this-ways," and the "why-are-people-such-#*!@s?" By morning, I'll be wondering how much longer I'll let cowardice keep it's choke-hold on me...slowly strangling the life out of me. I'll think about my age...and wonder how much longer I have. How well will things go? How much will I lose?
1:20 am, 25 Oct
I had buried myself in drawing earlier in the evening. My artwork is often a haven where I can lose myself in my imagination. I finally gave up around midnite or shortly there after. By 1:20 in the morning, I was feeling a little better and hit the forums for what I figured would be the last time before I went to bed...but before doing so, I found myself listening to Lana Wachowski, and laughing at her wicked wit and sense of humour. Maybe I'll be ready to go to sleep soon. Maybe tomorrow will be better...