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Wonderful, Strange, Experience



A few days ago I came home from work and as usual applied my make-up.

Nothing unusual there, but as I was checking my lipstick I suddenly, how can I put this?

I remembered myself.

I had for a for a few minutes forgotten that I had another personality sharing this body. I was and had always been Susane (I will argue of course that I have always been Susane. I discovered my real name when I was five years old).

It was as though the repetitive task of applying my make-up every day had hypnotised me and that I had never had another name, I was just another middle aged woman taking pride in her appearance.

Of course once the thought occurred to me the feeling started to fade and my old life reasserted itself in my memory. Afterwards, however, I had a feeling of elation so powerful that it hasn't really faded completely a week later! I must just stress that I do not drink or take drugs and I am not on any medication or hormones!

I think the elation came from the sheer joy that I had made a breakthrough in my transition, I had become unselfconscious. If you have learned to drive you know what it's like when you get to that moment where you stop thinking about which pedal to press to change gear and just do it, i think that's what has happened to me.

All my life I have wanted Susan to take over the controls (to continue the driving analogy) and now I have.

That's what the elation was, I have taken over, I am now always me and refer to my former name in the third person. For example the other day I went through his closet and threw out his clothes, leaving him just enough for work purposes and any occasion when he will absolutely need a suit.

I wonder if this is a common experience? Has anyone been their true self for so long that the old, false self is nothing more than a memory?

Susane Xxx.


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I sorta think that maybe this is comparable to the fact that more often than not, I am my true self in my dreams - I am male. Other times, it's like my gender doesn't exist or something...but even then it's like I am still treated by others in the dream as male. It's very rare that my dreams present me as female. It's been like that for so long, I really can't remember when I was always female in my dreams - or if that was ever the case.

We have no control over our dreams...so I would think that if in my dreams I am male, it must be because that is the way I think of myself when I'm not asleep. As if it's... normal.


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I often dream that I don't have any gender. The other night I dreamed I was reading my birth certificate and it said Susane Timothy.

And of course Michael, it is normal. When we dream we may be be getting a little bit of wish fulfilment, but we see our true selves stripped of the image that has been imposed by our concious brain!

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I don't dream but I wish I had dreams of being treated like a woman. In fact, I may have, but I think I would really remember something like that. I am definitely going to start referring to my former self in the 3rd person...I like that idea!

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