A few days ago I came home from work and as usual applied my make-up.
Nothing unusual there, but as I was checking my lipstick I suddenly, how can I put this?
I remembered myself.
I had for a for a few minutes forgotten that I had another personality sharing this body. I was and had always been Susane (I will argue of course that I have always been Susane. I discovered my real name when I was five years old).
It was as though the repetitive task of applying my make-up every day had hypnotised me and that I had never had another name, I was just another middle aged woman taking pride in her appearance.
Of course once the thought occurred to me the feeling started to fade and my old life reasserted itself in my memory. Afterwards, however, I had a feeling of elation so powerful that it hasn't really faded completely a week later! I must just stress that I do not drink or take drugs and I am not on any medication or hormones!
I think the elation came from the sheer joy that I had made a breakthrough in my transition, I had become unselfconscious. If you have learned to drive you know what it's like when you get to that moment where you stop thinking about which pedal to press to change gear and just do it, i think that's what has happened to me.
All my life I have wanted Susan to take over the controls (to continue the driving analogy) and now I have.
That's what the elation was, I have taken over, I am now always me and refer to my former name in the third person. For example the other day I went through his closet and threw out his clothes, leaving him just enough for work purposes and any occasion when he will absolutely need a suit.
I wonder if this is a common experience? Has anyone been their true self for so long that the old, false self is nothing more than a memory?