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daydreams... mares



i just woke up and started daydreaming. unfortunately it was about high school. as i look back at my high school days i can see why some kids with guns use them on teachers and other students. i would have been too shy to do that i suppose, but school was something i dreaded.

the worst thing i can remember is being required to play softball everyday. i hated softball. and it showed. in fact i just didn't jive with anything competitive. if i had to compete i just stood there and didn't. perhaps its just my personal tendency but i think now it was my disphoria being out of sync with the whole societal thing. having to try to be someone i was not was rather difficult. trying to be upright and honest and not lie, but then having to hide "me" was really a drag. it twisted me all sorts of ways.

the only real bright spot was music. i loved band. i played trombone and baratone/euphonium and took great joy at harmony and reading music. lately i have been resurrecting my music skills which is why i probably was daydreaming about school. sometimes i just wish i could replace all those awkward awful moments with happy ones. sort of like you can edit text on the computer. yeah! maybe i will be able to someday. anyway toward the end of highschool i joined a rock band and loved it. but we really didn't use all the stuff i had learned in band. most of the music things i did were intuitive. but the garageband lessons i am taking are opening up my eyes to what i should have known, but only knew intuitively.

my voice is getting better too and i attribute that to my transition. i sing high falsetto to help my voice with breaks and condition it. this began because i thought it would help me with my fem voice. actually that has happened but not in the way i intended. i realized that the difference between men's and women's voices was resonance and not pitch exactly. there are other things but this one thing is interesting because of the swamps i grew up in. in the swamps the bull aligators bellow in a huge resonance as to bullfrogs and many other frogs. the males use this resonance to call females. hm. so i think that is why men have resonance. not to call females, but that it is left over genetically somehow. life is so strange. so my voice exercises actually make me more aware of resonance.

anyway music is still a joy. and i get to start all over again. its like i am learning to play an instrument for the first time, except i have all this residual knowledge. i got rock band 3 wii and gonna do that too. they have a nice little keytar that doubles as a midi. so i can use it on my computer too! wow! the great thing about rockband is the performance angle. the stuff i learn in garageband interfaces nicely. art and music . so typical.


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