Well it has been just under three months since I began hormones and when I got undressed for my morning shower this morning I noticed my breast seemed to have grown a bit since I last checked them. I have read many articles about how long it takes for breast too grow and from the get go made a pack not to be disappointed if they 1. did not grow in the first couple of months 2. did not get to at least a B cup as my mother is a full C cup. Oh, my left breast (and heard this is to be expected) is slightly larger than my right breast but not extremely noticeable.
My doctor who is a MTF told me that I had many facial features of a female including soft skin so I expect there will not be a huge difference with softening of my skin.
An interesting thought about the hair (and this will more likely than not sound crazy) is all my life I've had dreams I live several hundred years ago as a female which I discarded, thinking my mind was playing tricks on me. Back around 2005 I met a woman and had a short relationship and distinctly remembering I saw her as an old soul. So one night after we pleasured each other she came out and said that she truly believed that we were together in another life where she was a male and I was a female. I found it interesting that she by telling me this brought new light to my dreams as she said it was a very long time ago.
Received a call from Marci Bower's office, SRS is scheduled for 1/27/2015. When I submitted a date for surgery it was simply 1/2015, Robin indicated that January would work. Amazing, that is how far they are booked out too.
One year from this date I will be under the knife for SRS, seems like a long time but before I know it the date will be here.
My very best friend, a female who I see about every other weekend has been coaching me with walking as a female and for the time being have found my stride is much slower than it has been in the past. I did take lessons that included walking about 20 years ago but with time without practice, what was learned has faded away. There are so many little things that seem not to make sense until someone points them out especially when they video tape you like my best friend does. Here I thought I was doing great, especially with my voice but I can see clearly, how small differences in how one walks can go a long way with how one presents themselves.
Yesterday went visited with my best friend, had a good time chatting over coffee then out for Chinese followed by crazy shopping for different types of chocolate. When her daughter saw me she said that she was wearing almost the exact same outfit I was and said I had great taste.
Oh, Friday my touchups for my eyeliner went well. Less pain than the last time and no having issues opening my eyes on Saturday which happened the first time and was expecting it this time but nope, no problems. Should be all healed up by Tuesday just in time to head back to work.
Yesterday I went to H&R Block for tax preparation with a person whom I have been dealing with for years. I told her that my surgery was planned for 1/2015, she is researching if I can take SRS as a tax deducting which would reduce my amount to pay for 2015. If possible, that is great if not no big deal but would be nice. Also told her about changing my name and she said even if I do and need to call in make sure I explain about the name change otherwise they will not find me in their database. Jeez, things there are so many things that one does not consider when going thru this process.
Bumped into an old girl friend last night while shopping, she was taken back by me as a female but was alright with me after we chatted for a while. One thing she said was "well that explains a lot", I asked her what do you mean? She said that it meant that I was very good at pleasuring her and that I was very good at hitting the rights spots and we both giggled. She wants to keep in touch and go out shopping with me in the near future
Several days ago I noticed my cheeks now have a blush look to them all the time. Yesterday at my electrolysis session (currently doing brow touch ups after having permanent cosmetics done) and the operator said I had a few pimples which I had noticed and she was wondering if this was because of HRT which I said most likely it is.
This morning I brought my car in for brake replacements and while sitting there waiting for the van to pick me up for a ride home the mechanic came out, looked at me for a few seconds (I was the only one there) and then said, is your husband here? I asked whom are you referring too? He said my name and at that very moment thought quickly, said I was his wife and answered his questions.
The following entry just flowed out of my brain (thinking more female now) in no specific order.
Three weeks ago went into my dentist (been seeing them for 20 years this July) office to make an appointment and the receptionist stood silent for a while staring at me. Finally she put two and two together and realized who I was but I could see in her eyes she was not sold on “this is him” and I will say my clothing was leggings which she could not see with a light jacket open that exposed my chest which anyone could see I had breast. I said I need an appointment but first need to explain what is going on with me. Spent roughly five minutes giving her the highlights and her response was ‘we support you’!!! The ‘we’ I should indicate that her husband is the dentist and she was speaking for both of them.
Went back the following week to get a filling and before he started said everyone in the office knows and have their full support. After giving me anesthesia, he asked if I mind answering a few questions, which I did. He did asked what should he call me and my reply was, my male name as I may end up changing my female name and this would avoid confusion.
Fast forward, this last Monday I had a ‘every six month’ appointment to check up for HRT. I just got out of my car and received a call from my dentist indicating that he and his family were going on vacation and wanted to check up on me before leaving as the entire office would be closed and I had pending issues (very long story). I think that was so nice of them to make sure I was okay.
Two weeks ago, I am getting out of my car and a female neighbor who did not know (or so I thought, will get to that shortly) about me said “you look lovely”, I smile and said thank you and went in the house. Several days pass and I see her again and this time she said ‘are you changing your name?’. So I took the initiative to explain everything to her and while explaining my road the neighbor next to her came out and got into the conversation. I told both of them my reasons for not saying anything in the past and they said, heck we knew something was going on LOL. So now I have two new girl friends and their husbands are onboard with me too.
Everyone is telling me I look much more feminine now. I finally stood in front of the mirror and did not see it. Then just last Saturday one of my close friends and her daughter went out shopping, did a picture of us and she sent it to me. Got home and was stunned seeing myself thinking, yes I really do look more feminine. Yesterday was at my monthly therapy appointment and told her about this and she said ‘yes you indeed look more feminine’.
Oh my, I am now on my second closet of clothes giggle.
I truly cried watching a movie just now, Winter’s Tale and know it’s the hormones. And I cried a lot.
Have been told by several that my breast have grown but not that much and have no expectations at this time knowing that this takes time.
Last but very important, I found a professional to do my genital hair removal. Not looking forward to this but just the same I am ready to get it over with. Funny I have no issues with SRS but do with genital hair removal.
Today I start electrolysis for my privates in preparation for SRS. I was given a prescription to numb the pain, hopefully it will not be too painful.
First off the electrolysis on 7/22 on my private area was great. I thought it would be extremely painful but with the cream I was given it truly numbed things down. Now I would be telling a lie if I said there was no pain, what I experienced was a mild burning sensation and was gone quickly.
Been noticing less and less people see me as male including those who have known me for about 20 years. This makes me extremely happy to say the least.
Not sure what has gotten over me but all of the sudden I went on a shopping trip yesterday on a mission to find colorful plain bras. Nothing new in regards to finding the right size, if it were not for sizing issues I would easily had been to one or two stores and been done with it. I wear a 36C which seems to be a very popular size and with that hard to find. Next up, one of the stores had what I wanted but they were super padded (range goes from 1-3) and I want no more than a 1 if I was forced into padding. So of all places I struck gold at Walmart while Macy's, Target and JC Penny were three strikes and I did have luck at Macy's before. Downside to Walmart bras is they are not as well constructed thinking of longevity more than comfort as the high end bras were no more comfortable then the lower end bras.
I have noticed a few subtle changes in the past few weeks; first, I get slightly more emotional when watching chick flicks and my desire for coffee is changing to tea. And my breast have grown slightly, not much but indeed noticeable.
I am using two ladies for electrolysis, one started on my arm-pits today and was pleasantly surprised it was not that much pain unlike the work being done for preparing for surgery. At first I did not feel much pain but there are areas she is hitting now that are at a level 7 pain level. I think that is as far on the pain scale that I should get thank goodness. Anyways it looks like I will need to continue until December to complete the work which is getting done one hour each week.
Lots of friends keeping asking me if I am getting excited as my surgery date gets closer? I tell them the best thing for me is not to think about it otherwise I would be counting the hours so at this point I am simply focusing on today and not counting the hours. I would be totally lying if I said this in December, I will be counting down the time to surgery no doubt.
I have been avoiding going to the local Guitar Center mainly from a few people who I rarely see and usually it there. I am desperate for a new guitar tuner as the current tuner the display is dim and hard to read. So I throw on a jacket over my female clothes so that I am kind of androgynous so to speak but really I still look female. I enter the store and a guy greets me “Hello, have not seen you for a long time” and I said hello back. He then asked if I needed help, told him about my tuner and he said I have one for you. He then took me over to where it was, demonstrated it and I said I will take one. He gets another sales person to assist and says to him; her current tuner is the old model and she wants to upgrade to the new model so can you ring this up for her. He does so and I leave and once in my car wondered why he thought I was female even though I was dressed androgynous. I failed to figure it out until I told the story to my best female friend. She asked, did you speak like you are right now? Then it dawned on me, I did not drop into my male voice and told me friend this. She said, if I did not know you I would had pegged you as female. She then insisted I speak like a male, I did and then it was a double whammy that reinforced my experience at Guitar Center.
I remember this time last year I was struggling to stay in a female tone and now I struggle to be male. I never in my dreams thought it would be like this and very happy now.
I received an email today saying there would be a book signing for a book which I am part of telling my story of transitioning with others. My first thought is shoes so off to Target and found a lovely pair shown below. It’s interesting in that I use to wear high heels often and now if I remember it has been years since I wore heels even though I own enough to fill the back side of a closet. So it is time to get back into walking properly in heels which at least for me I do walk different in 4 or 5 inch heels then my daily flats.
I am going with my best friend so I know it will be a blast and always nice to meet new people.
I get into the elevator at work; there is one woman already on the elevator. Doors closes, she looks at me and says (actually I forget the exact words) who do you like to be addressed? I know what she is referring too and said, “It’s obvious to you?” and she replied with ‘I am reading a strong female presence from you’. It is not that long of a ride and we both get off on the same floor with nobody around. She told me that a woman in her family is transitioning from female to male, which is one of the reasons she felt comfortable talking to me. I asked her if I was presenting male or myself more as a female? Her response was easily female. I really felt good about this conversation afterwards.
Later in the day, I have a six-month review with my boss, which is all positive. When we are ready to wrap things up and he asked if I mind telling me about my surgery. Side note, I have no disclosed to anyone I work with about my transition. He then says it is okay if I am not comfortable with telling him.
Months ago I decided if anyone ask at work other than my boss I would not reveal what my surgery was. So I told him and from his facial expression told me he already figured it out and is supportive. He also asked about me telling others. I told him my plan was to first met with HR then a private meeting with my immediate team to disclose my transition and that when I return what to expect, he was also fine with this.
I was sitting at work eating lunch at my desk when a call came through with no caller ID. I said hello (if I know the caller i say Hi this is Karen or Hi this is Kevin), the woman on the other end said 'is this Karen', got up and walk to an area I could talk. It was Robin from Doctor Bower's office confirming my surgeries and told me to expect a packet shortly to being their process with me.
The only question I had was to find out which day I needed to be there as they want you there one or two days ahead of time. My hope was one day as hotel rooms cost $170 per night and was hoping for Monday (surgery is Tuesday) rather than Friday as I did not want to spend Thursday driving down, meet on Friday and then having to stay thru the weekend, that would be costly. She replied, we want you here Monday morning, I shied knowing I could get there on Sunday.
Over the past year I tried not to think about geez, 12 months to go and for the most part have done a decent job of it. Now I am getting a tad bit like how many days to go???
So to top it off a lawyer friend of mine who I asked to assist me with name and gender changes text me today and said let's have coffee on Saturday to start a discussion on what needs to be done. She is very supportive of my transition which is very important to me.
Gauging how hormones have affected my sex drive. First off I have always and still into females for the record.
I distinctly remember in 2007 very attracted to a female that when with her I was pretty much aroused all the time. Side note, the relationship failed but she remained friends with me and will be with me for surgery.
In 2013, still felt very sexually attracted to females that caused a reaction down there. I started hormones at the end of 2013 and every couple of weeks checked to see if the plumbing still worked which it has until June of 2014 were I could still pleasure myself but was not aroused as one year prior.
Present day, seldom do I even consider pleasuring myself but still see females as whom I want to be with if I was to consider a relationship but that is not in the picture until after surgery.
Something I just realized, I use to have an erection for the morning trip to the toilet, that does not happen now.
Before I began hormones, I heard this would happen and it did and I am perfectly comfortable with this and look to the future to how it will be to experience sex as a female.
Just had coffee at a StarBucks with a friend who use to practice law were the focus was on her assisting me with the process of changing my name. I have known her since 2001 and we never touched physically but today she hugged me, said afterwards "my your hair is much longer since last time I saw you" (which was about two months ago).
Any ways she gave me a packet of forms to fill out and get back to her for next weekend which in turn she has the electronic document and will input my information into them then on to the next step. I am waiting to change my name after surgery so I can include the gender change as well.
Today I spoke with HR and told them I was transitioning, there were no bad reactions at all. I did ask them if there was a plan in place for which restroom I will be using or if I could use any female restroom? He did not know but would find out (as I see it as I could use any female restroom but we will see). Also signed one name petition document and notarized. My legal counsel will submit my documents tomorrow.
My legal assistant took all my forms that I filled out and redid them on the computer. She then gave me one that needed to be notarized, got it done, gave her the form. Then asked, how long, she said if all went well two weeks. Well she went to file the name change and the clerk said she filled out the wrong form. The right form had no County name while the wrong form had my County name. So she has printed off another copy and will give it to me tomorrow, and yes I will get it notarized ASP. Funny how I was in no rush to get this done but now that the process is underway I am excited.
More to follow as my journey continues...
The curious case of Benjamin Buttons, while watching this movie I had emotions that have never been there before. Half the time I was on the verge of crying, something new for me. Over all in the past week I have been noticing dramatic changes in emotions and just fine with it. :)