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I am a newbie, not to just this site but any site.

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Hello all, I am one who has never been to comfortable with a computer, more of the hands on type without finess. so for me to get on one of these web sites is a little spooky.

A little about me, in my younger years I always knew I was different but growing up in a strong german family with little tolerance for indifference was absolutely not tolerated. I tried to tell my parents once but it was met with anger and punishment, so I learned to keep my mouth shut for years and hide who I was, not that I knew what made me different from the rest of the kids I knew, I only knew I wasn't supposed to be a boy. Because I was rather feminine in grade school being teased was not uncommon which only led to me doing what boys do, I started fighting to protect and defend myself. Little did I know I was only making it worse on myself. By the time I hit high school I was pretty withdrawn from everyone and just kept to myself but it didn't stop the teasing or the hazing. My issue certainly wasn't going away if anything it was getting worse and I still had no one to talk to about it, I finally moved in with my grandparents for a short time and found a kind of understanding with my grandmother, even though little was ever said somehow I felt she knew who I was and made me feel alright but not necessarily comfortable with the fact that by now I knew who I was. With a lot of research at a community library I began to understand more about myself, telling anyone was a bigger problem. My family were not only strong Germans but were very influential In the cattle industry, I have (by my own findings as living as one) found that Cattlemen and Cattlewomen,not to forget horsefolks seem to be the most prejudice unforgiving people I knew,and here I was smack dab in the middle of them. It wasn't all bad, over the years I have managed to make pretty fair living with cattle and horses. Ive even had the opportunity to ride as a cowboy on some of the biggest ranches acrost the united states, and hiding who I was the whole time to everyone around me except myself. Anyway, back to where I was, I get side tracked easily. After High school there was a little college, however within that time frame my grandmother whom I would give the world to confronted me with the grandbaby issue. She was very convincing, and there was a girl I did have some feelings for and as my grandmother convinced me of, it would make more of a man out of me, and as a husband and father maybe the hazing would stop. I was still very feminine . So I did the man thing for all the wrong reasons but the right outcome, even though sex was awkward we had four beautiful boys, It didn't last long and the marriage ended but the boys stayed with me, and I raised them to the best of my ability. There mother did not want them because they interfere with her finding her teenage self, and she is still trying today to be that teenager. Well I have rambled on enough for now need to get my work done, so I will finish this one sided chat later. Chow


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RachelDenae,

You are in the right place. Would speak about this to as many TRUSTWORTHY people as possible, starting here. This is a very emotionally safe space, tightly moderated by kind moderators.

Country folk (I won't use the impolite terms) often act out of fear because they do not have the opportunity to live in a cosmopolitan, more open-minded area. If it would bring you a chuckle, not long ago had to show a man from Texas who wore a ten gallon white hat and cowboy boots how to ride the subway in NYC! Transitioning or coming out (as in my case as a GG Lesbian) often means going from one kind of family to another. Also came from a toxic family. Am grateful for the family members who were not toxic (thank you, Aunt Edie!) and ignore the rest. Please do not let them be your judge and jury. Do not give them power by hating them. You WILL find healthy family and friends. You deserve good things in your life. Suggest you ask yourself, one person at a time, do I feel good when I am with this person and do I feel better after having been with this person than before I met this person? Please watch for repeats of CNN's "Lady of Valor: The Kristen Beck Story," which shows how she and her family struggled with the emotional issues of her transition. RachelDenae, we are always here for you!

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Hello RachelDense, Glad you have joined us - I enjoyed learning more about you. As a person who also has a German heriatage I too understand the strict nature you have lived with. Here we learn from each other and often share things we cannot share with others who can never fully understand us. Dawn

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