I went to see my doctor again today, simply for a check in or a check up on my medications and what not.
Normally I'm very nervous about seeing the doctor. I had a lot of health issues I were dealing with and always worried about 'getting in trouble' with my doctor. Granted, I love her to pieces, and she cares more than any other doctor I have EVER had. But in the same aspect, shes not afraid to tell me how it is, and boot me in the butt for not taking care of myself.
When I finally told her about the self harm, she were not only concerned, but angry with me for not telling her to begin with. She gave me plenty of ideas of helping myself, and sent me off with a parting threat. "If you dont realize how special you are and nip this problem in the butt, I'll find you even more help than what I can give you, and you will not like it. I promise."
I knew what the 'more help' was. I'd heard about it plenty enough. Mental Help Ward at the hospital.
NO. THANK. YOU.
ANYWAY.....after being lectured about weight and this and that..I was really nervous to go back to the doctors today. I'd been working really hard at behaving and eating right and whatnot, and this monday (10/20/14) will be my THIRD WEEK of no self harm. Which, for anyone who's struggled with it, knows thats a HUGE deal for me.
I took the steps to protect myself and even handed over my instruments, and informed two people of where I were getting these items...so they could remove them for good. It was hard, but I'm glad I did. Because in a desperate need for relief, I went looking for where I get my normal tools. And found nothing but air. So I were forced to cope. And as horrible as it was that day, I'm glad for it.
To find another way to deal with my growing anxiety and gutwrenching depression, I turned to my skills, as my doctor instructed. Drawing, music, and writing.
I have started to RP (roleplay, in form of book writing paragraph by paragraph with another participant. In this case, my good friend Destinee who has been nothing but awesome and caring) on my ipod during work to distract me from the stressful reminder that I'm surrounded by hundreds of people all day. (I work at a college dining hall as a chef) And though I'm not supposed to be on my ipod, everyone assumes I'm just changing music, or know I do it for my anxiety, and no one has told me not to. Yet. Here's hoping they wont.
When I cant RP, or when I'm not in the mood, I draw. I have a designated book which I have dubbed "My Blade Book".
On the back, I have written my favorite quotes in marker. I'll share them with you
"To Thine Own Self be True" by shakespeare
"Without struggle, there is no progess" by Fredrick Douglas
"The Good die young, but the greatest survive" by My Chemical Romance
"We've come a long way since that day, and we'll never look back at the faded silhouettes" Avicii
"One final fight for this tonight" Black Veil Brides
"Yes, sir. I'm one of a Kind" G-Dragon
"It's my party, I'll do what I want. So while you sit and watch me, I'll keep dancing" Jessie J
"Dont lose who you are in the blur of the stars. Seeing is decieving, dreaming is believing. ITS OK NOT TO BE OK. Just be true to who you are" Jessie J
On the inside covers I have (Front) Blade Free Book. Draw, dont scar. F*** the world, live for you. The good die young but the greatest survive the stereotype. Dont just be "Another boy without a sharper knife"
(Back) "Sometimes its hard to follow your heart. Tears dont mean you're losing, everybody's bruising. Just be true to who you are. Theres nothing wrong with who you are" by Jessie J, my favorite artist.
I draw whatever comes to mind, be it angry faces or just something to calm me. And honestly.....it helps. A LOT.
ANYONE going through what I have been, should consider this. Find a book, any old book. Write your name on it. Cover it in quotes that inspire and soothe you, and just put what you feel in it. Use it as your own personal outlet. And if you feel brave enough, share it with someone. It helps me a lot.
Aside from my Blade Book, I blog. Why? Because it helps.
I have a physical social anxiety disorder. To put it simply, I cant deal with talking to people.
Face to face, in physical contact, I just cant handle it. I get frustrated, flustered, uneasy, anxious...you name it. On here....I feel so blessed, I must say.
I can blog and vent and talk about my whole transgender journey...and not be judged. I dont have to spend all night deleting harmful and negative comments, and it is sooooooo so soothing to know that I dont have to worry about who is reading my blogs. Because even though to me this is more like a diary, I can take comfort in the fact that I'm not keeping it to myself. I'm sharing, and maybe....MAYBE even helping someone else like me, who is reading it and realizing...they're not alone. That someone out there is going through things JUST like them.
I love the fact that I can talk about anything on here without editing out some parts so I dont offend someone, because I know everyone on here who reads this is nothing but supportive and caring and trusting. I cannot possibly express how appreciated it is.
But, I got severely side tracked, as always. THE DOCTOR VISIT!
So, the outcome: I have lost 15 pounds since my last visit (which my doctor was over the top excited about ) and I have no new self harm wounds (which she also got super excited about lol) and I told her about all the different things I've been doing as outlets instead. The writing and drawing and whatnot. Also the tattoo idea was supported greatly, her words being "Out of Sight, Out of Mind. You dont see it (scars), you wont think about it. Plus with something beautiful there, you wont want to wreck it!" Which I agreed with 100000%. Though its waiting till the end of november because its sort of expensive. She urged me to try and lose another 15pnds by the end of janurary (GAME ON! Right...after....this bowl of icecream. HEY I DESERVE IT DARN IT!) And to keep up my hard work of resistance. Hell. Yes.
First time I've left the doctors with a smile on my face
Alrighty world, I'm done ranting and raving.
Even my crappy night at work couldnt push away my happiness of a silly doctors visit.
I'm on a roll, darn it!