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LovelyLisa

Entry posted by LovelyLisa

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Ok. So the light bulb finally "went on" today at the second friday support group. A question was asked what was the event that indicated that you needed to transition. Well for me, that hasn't really happened yet (or maybe it has). But I mentioned a little bit about my history; that this was not put upon me by society, it has always been there since I remember. That initially I repressed it, but the last 15 years or so, I've wrapped my identity up in my career and family. It did not seem like I was repressing anything. When my business failed, when I stopped being so career oriented, that is when I started having a crisis with anxiety. And started going to therapy.

So that was my answer. And after I spoke those words I realized how much I have f-cked myself up. When I was 6 years old and started to repress my feelings, that is when it started. I did whatever I could to fit in, act male, etc. Don't get me wrong. If I could have lived as a female, I would have been a tomboy who would have played sports with the boys and would not have played dolls with the girls. (don't get me wrong. I liked playing with the girls and socializing with them. Games, TV, reading, just not dolls). However, I would have been feminine, wearing dresses, long hair, etc. It seems like a dichotomy of existence. But think of a top female athlete who is extremely feminine but grew up learning their sport playing with the guys ... that would have been me. Anyways, I started to realize that I will need to unravel all of this social conditioning that society has put on me AND what I've put on myself. I have to unf-ck myself. If I don't do it correctly, I'll just be acting like a female, like I acted being a male. I don't want to pretend anymore. But the reality is, I don't know really what it is to be female, because I missed out on growing up female and pretending to be male.

So, deep down, I knew all of this. What I did not know is that because society put this on me, I need to look back and understand how I got off track. Just quickly reflecting, it was when I was 6 years old. But what I need to understand is what is critical that I missed and how I can overcome that in a way that I can transition to living female and do it in a way that it is not an act. I've already made that mistake already. And quite possibly, I may make it again. In previous posts, I've always said that I thought that I was self-aware person and that this crisis really surprised me. Well, I feel like I'm starting to really figure this out. I just hope and pray that I can use this knowledge going forward.

Anyways, any feed back will be appreciated. I hope everyone is doing well.

I hope I have not put a lot on you!!

Love,

-Lisa

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Emma

Dear Lisa,

Of course, you have not "put a lot" on me or anyone here. I felt what you wrote is very reasonable and understandable. I feel like I'm also new to this but here's my opinion. "Understanding" our trans-gender (intentional hyphen) is very personal. There is no objective test that I'm aware of. For whatever reason and that may not really matter, we don't feel "right." With the right therapists and support such as here and in groups we can explore ourselves further and figure it out. The unfortunate truth is that at bottom we have to be the ones to make our choices, such as where we are or need to be under the TG umbrella, living full or part time as a Transwoman, transition or not, etc. So, I think it's terrific that you had this epiphany. As hard as I know it can be to wrestle with these emotions and anxieties I am not sure there is another way. Maybe that's the bad news, if you will.

The good news is that you have this awareness. You have reached out here and elsewhere. You are exploring yourself. You are courageously figuring out who you are. There is no wrong answer! That is a truth and a beauty that I think we must hold on to. However and wherever you go is perfect.

I often wish I'd been born a girl and I still wish that. That said, though, I was not, and for me I'm thinking these days (and I may change!) that that's okay. If I can learn to be and accept myself for who I am, and depend less on what others think of me, maybe I'll be fine just the way I am. I do like pretty things and I know I'm much more emotional and feeling that stereotypical men. But that makes me, me.

I'm not sure I made much sense here, but I hope so. Of courselves your journey may be much different than mine. I just wanted to show you that you are not alone. Be well, Lisa, and keep writing.

Hugs,

Emma

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Kristila95

Lisa, thank you for sharing this. It does sound like you are dealing with a lot right now. Have you looked into resources specifically for transitioning in your area as far as counseling, therapy, support,etc? I don't know much about your therapist, but is the person experienced with people thinking about transitioning or who have begun the journey? In my city there is an amazing center that offers all types of things from counseling, doctor referrals to legal. Maybe there is one in your area too. In the end, the only thing that matters is that you are happy. I don't want to come off as "preachy," but there is no reason to rush into transition. People transition at all stages of life. I recently read an article by a therapist who was counseling a woman who transitioned at 70+ yrs, so it will be there when you are ready. I want to wish you the best with whatever decision you make and for you to know that there is a lot of love and support out there.

KM<3

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