I found this site in October of last year during an extended period of confusion and frustration. Fantasies of being a woman are nothing new to me; I've been having them since I was a kid. Now they're on my mind all the time. I've thought for a long time that feeling that way might mean I'm transgender, but I always pushed those thoughts away. I convinced myself that this had to be a secret fantasy and nothing more. It was partly out of fear for what my family and friends would think of me, but for the most part, I think I knew the idea of confronting that reality would ruin the fantasy. In my mind, I can be confident and witty and beautiful. In reality, I've always struggled with low self-esteem and depression.
Eventually, I found I couldn't handle obsessing over these thoughts anymore. Finding this site and talking frankly about my gender for the first time helped a great deal. The thread I started is I think I'll try moving things over to this blog. Maybe I'll post more frequently.
I'm hopeful that things will start to improve. I haven't been feeling quite so miserable lately. Just knowing that my identity is starting to make sense has lifted my spirits a bit, even though I'm still living the same life as always. I find that I still see myself in my head as being male, but when I realize that, the thought doesn't feel right. I don't feel like I am a woman - I don't even know what that would feel like - but I know I want to be a woman. Maybe for now, that's enough to at least start to fill the hole in my identity.