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Depression and dysphoria

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I found this site in October of last year during an extended period of confusion and frustration. Fantasies of being a woman are nothing new to me; I've been having them since I was a kid. Now they're on my mind all the time. I've thought for a long time that feeling that way might mean I'm transgender, but I always pushed those thoughts away. I convinced myself that this had to be a secret fantasy and nothing more. It was partly out of fear for what my family and friends would think of me, but for the most part, I think I knew the idea of confronting that reality would ruin the fantasy. In my mind, I can be confident and witty and beautiful. In reality, I've always struggled with low self-esteem and depression.

Eventually, I found I couldn't handle obsessing over these thoughts anymore. Finding this site and talking frankly about my gender for the first time helped a great deal. The thread I started is I think I'll try moving things over to this blog. Maybe I'll post more frequently.

I'm hopeful that things will start to improve. I haven't been feeling quite so miserable lately. Just knowing that my identity is starting to make sense has lifted my spirits a bit, even though I'm still living the same life as always. I find that I still see myself in my head as being male, but when I realize that, the thought doesn't feel right. I don't feel like I am a woman - I don't even know what that would feel like - but I know I want to be a woman. Maybe for now, that's enough to at least start to fill the hole in my identity.


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Posted

Have you considered counseling? Possibly through an LGBT center in your area? I've heard from a lot of people that are feeling the same as you are now. You are far from alone. Unfortunately, the stigma of being transgender or even somewhere along the spectrum, makes people afraid to talk about it and leads to feelings of isolation. Writing about what you are going through can be therapeutic too:) There really is a lot of support out there.

Keep us posted and good luck:)

KML

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Dear Rae,

I agree with Kristi, your confusion, dismay, and worries are all very familiar. I don't mean to minimize but to let you know that you're far from alone. I am glad to have met you here, to read your writings, and hope to read much more from you.

I also agree that counseling can be very helpful. That said, it was and is hard at times for me and maybe like you to open up about what's really happening below the surface. Please try to be as open and vulnerable as you can. Therapists are here trying to help us. Some are better than others, and we connect with some better than others too. But until we open our heart we cannot really know.

I wish you the very best, Rae, I mean that.

Hugs,

Emma

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What you are going through is commonplace for someone who is unsure of their gender identity and are not alone by any means. The first step to validate or invalidate your gender is to seek out professional assistance as option one while support groups are great they are in my opinion option two as it’s a roll of the dice to whom provides information which may or may not be a professional.

Our first instinct is to bury thoughts of being in the wrong body for what are brains perceive as the opposite to what we are physically. This may or may not help but in only for a moment in time and as we age the urges become stronger if there is that chemical imbalance that is the root of the feelings. There are five levels of transgender which starts off with sexual fantasy on one end of the spectrum while on the other end, the undeniable drive to transition physically. Between these two are varying levels of the two ends. A professional can guide you to the most appropriate level and possible remedies to satisfy those feelings swirling through your brain. To bury and ignore these feelings in my opinion can lead to an unhealthy and painful existence in most cases while validation is the first step to freedom

Any ways writing out your thoughts is a great step forward.

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Thank you for the comments, everyone.

I probably should have mentioned that I've talked to therapists about my depression and I'm on medication for it. I talked about my gender issues the last time I talked to my therapist, but it's outside her area of expertise and I'm not comfortable trying to find answers while I explain things to someone who doesn't really get it. I think I need to find a therapist who's familiar with this sort of thing, so that's what I'm trying to do now.

I should also mention that I've been talking to a trans friend about this and she's helped me a lot, so I don't feel alone.

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I don't know where you're from, but there are often LGBT centers in big cities that can help you. These places are probably the best places to look for therapists that have experience with GID. You can search for transgender resources for you area. I'm glad that you have someone that you can talk to in person too.

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The above advice is sound, and I see that you've already gone for counselling.

I'd also add that going to Trans venues can help, not sure where your local ones are but those that I regularly attended in Birmingham UK, helped me a lot, being with a lot of other transgirls sort of normalised my inner feelings, and then allowed me to progress. Best Nursery School ever!

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