Meaenglsh

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About Meaenglsh

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  • Gender Transgender

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  1. Meaenglsh added a blog entry in Meaenglsh's Blog   

    bulimia
    one of the things that happened to me right off when i came out was bulimia. i was performing online and was superconcious of my body. i succeeded in losing pounds but it was difficult. its easier now in some ways. i gain and i lose and thank goodness i'm not performing online anymore. but as a woman i am taking steps for health and looks. interestingly i ran across a bulimia check sheet from the UK as i was researching social anxiety. i'm into databases and quickly applied the form to a database and began taking notes. i noticed over time that binge eating was the real problem with weight gain. so i began tactics that would eliminate binge eating. the other thing that came out of the study was timing. i knew about this already; that the evening is horrendously bad for binging, but had not been able to do much about it. in fact i binged on purpose in the evening for awhile as i couldn't fight it. my tactics now are to reduce swelling in my abdominal region. while i really am fit and there isn't that much swelling, i want a killer body and so am trying for that. exercise, brushing teeth and drinking liquids also help strategically timed to stop binging. i was impressed that one form could have this effect on me. but i as ready for it. i had spent years struggling with binging and it laid the basis for success with the form. also of note is that there are levels of binging. snacks, meals and three levels of binge. this knowledge helps greatly over the period of a day. i space out my meals and snacks in such a way as to avoid binges and keep on the edge of weight loss if necessary. i am eating about 4 times a day now and its rather comfortable. when i do feel like binging its rather obvious its a mental thing and not really hunger.

    bulimia can be very serious. its not just vomiting, but obsession with weight gain and loss. i still have that obsession, but have managed to calm things down quite a bit.
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  2. Meaenglsh added a post in a topic: witchy me   

    i found out i was a witch about the time i realized my gender. age six seems to be the magic number but it was before then. then i supressed it all. when i came out about 5 years ago i also got back into paganism. i had been a flaming christian inbetween trying to conform to what this society thinks is "good". well it isn't . good that is. the christian explanation for why society is evil and christian just doesn't cut it. i started seeing a huge similarity between muslim and early christian fanatisim, especially in egypt. i did my research and finally realized that religion as a whole is totally lacking in spirituality. wow! so strange. druids, budhists, monotheists; all of them... yuk!

    the only thing i hung on to was my fairy ancestry. but only parts of it. and hawaiian mysticism. cause it deals so with the ocean which i love. the hula is so real. and tahitian dancing melts my heart. ahhh. anyway i guess i am more of an animist now. at least with my cat. she loves me for sure! and i love her. i tend to get along with squirrels and birds and wild creatures. anything not human. so its back to the ocean for me!

    but oddly, my spiritual strength has grown and continues to grow. i feel stronger everyday inside. it used to be in amerindian cultures that transgenders were feared and respected. they were considered shaman or witch in my language. i can see why amerindians felt that way. my experience as a transgender is i see both sides. i come from the land of male into the land of female. its very powerful.

    also as i studied i read about past atrocities against the amerindian two spirits by the spanish. of course there were equally bad results among amerindian cultures, but monotheism really seems to have had it in for us and tried to exterminate us, just like when they burned the witches. yuk! so now i have difficulty with anyone claiming christian heritage and being transgender. my best tgirlfriend is just such. luckily there is a love bond between us and i can overlook all the inconsistencies! but i often wonder about the duplicity of it all. maybe its my little pointy head. :)
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  3. Meaenglsh added a blog entry in Meaenglsh's Blog   

    daydreams... mares
    i just woke up and started daydreaming. unfortunately it was about high school. as i look back at my high school days i can see why some kids with guns use them on teachers and other students. i would have been too shy to do that i suppose, but school was something i dreaded.

    the worst thing i can remember is being required to play softball everyday. i hated softball. and it showed. in fact i just didn't jive with anything competitive. if i had to compete i just stood there and didn't. perhaps its just my personal tendency but i think now it was my disphoria being out of sync with the whole societal thing. having to try to be someone i was not was rather difficult. trying to be upright and honest and not lie, but then having to hide "me" was really a drag. it twisted me all sorts of ways.

    the only real bright spot was music. i loved band. i played trombone and baratone/euphonium and took great joy at harmony and reading music. lately i have been resurrecting my music skills which is why i probably was daydreaming about school. sometimes i just wish i could replace all those awkward awful moments with happy ones. sort of like you can edit text on the computer. yeah! maybe i will be able to someday. anyway toward the end of highschool i joined a rock band and loved it. but we really didn't use all the stuff i had learned in band. most of the music things i did were intuitive. but the garageband lessons i am taking are opening up my eyes to what i should have known, but only knew intuitively.

    my voice is getting better too and i attribute that to my transition. i sing high falsetto to help my voice with breaks and condition it. this began because i thought it would help me with my fem voice. actually that has happened but not in the way i intended. i realized that the difference between men's and women's voices was resonance and not pitch exactly. there are other things but this one thing is interesting because of the swamps i grew up in. in the swamps the bull aligators bellow in a huge resonance as to bullfrogs and many other frogs. the males use this resonance to call females. hm. so i think that is why men have resonance. not to call females, but that it is left over genetically somehow. life is so strange. so my voice exercises actually make me more aware of resonance.

    anyway music is still a joy. and i get to start all over again. its like i am learning to play an instrument for the first time, except i have all this residual knowledge. i got rock band 3 wii and gonna do that too. they have a nice little keytar that doubles as a midi. so i can use it on my computer too! wow! the great thing about rockband is the performance angle. the stuff i learn in garageband interfaces nicely. art and music . so typical.
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  4. Meaenglsh added a blog entry in Meaenglsh's Blog   

    to start with
    Hello to anyone reading this. I've been out for a few years and am dressing out now without feeling odd. i'm a M2F transgender non op so far. i've been doing herbals for a few years including red clover for progesterone and black cohosh for estrogen. Next week i go to my first transgender clinic and will try to get on estradiol.

    I've learned that sexual orientation occurs before the age of 6. That was true of me and when i brought it up to my mom i was told to hide it. so i did. she presented my desires for cross dressing as silly and dangerous; and she probably saved my life i suppose. but suppressing my nature brought out other weird things in my psyche and i am still dealing with them. but for the most part i am sane, healthy and intelligent. many hilarious things happened to me while i was in denial about myself i won't go into here, except to say i tended to androgenous dress and married a lesbian eventually. go figure. my mom eventually got religion and estranged herself from me a year before her death. but on her deathbed we sort of negated that problem through the graces of my sister. i hope. anyway i'm an orphan now and i am assuming both parents are seeing things as they really are.

    i eventually had a family of my own and tried to be super straight. i shunned the gay world and was totally against transgenders. but when my kids left the nest and my wife did the same, i evolved. one of my kids still talks to me and even loves me, which is nice, even though he knows i am m2f.

    luckily my job is such i can work from home and never see my employer. also i actually retired last year and so things are sweet. but i still work cause i love it so. i am almost through building a trimaran sailboat in my backyard and plan to sail the great american waterway next year. also i am interested in planting coral. although i live in iowa i am an ocean person and have surfed on both oceans.

    My first encounter with cross dressers was with tri-ess out of chicago. i think there were transgenders in the group, but i couldn't tell. anyway it was fun dressing. and i was so nervous! that was years ago and i haven't seen the group for a long time. I did meet to really nice girls from Illinois recently that seemed in tune with me. there is a chapter of transgender folk in Iowa City but they are mostly college age and a bit high strung for me. and i have friends flung far and wide, and i hope to visit a few of them in my sailboat; i hate driving and flying.

    I have learned a lot from huff post and other venues and seeing children able to express themselves touches my heart. i wish i could me transgender children as it would give me some closure on my past. but its ok if i don't. at least i know that we aren't being treated so badlly as i was.

    in the last half decade of my transition i have forsaken religion. not spirituality. i went through a heavy christian phase when i was denying myself and then opened up to neo paganism. there is a lot in my past and ancestry that resonates with paganism, but really animism is probably closer to where i am at, or at least spiritualism. whatever that is. i also meditate an have for over 40 years. i was a hippie once and have been married three times.

    and that is my life mostly. except; i am fit, healthy and living vibrantly. becoming transgender has helped me immensely. yes i became transgender. there is a time when i wasn't. i have been though bulimia and recently conquered it with online therapy. my weight is proportional. i have a nice head of hair, which i attribute to low testosterone levels all my life. my face has some wrinkles but it, and i look much better than i did before i came out. pretending and not knowing it seems to be very taxing.
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