AlexandruVlk added a blog entry in HeadSpaceMultiple Personality, Limited PrivacyI came home with this blog post in mind, thinking about it the whole way. But while I sit here and stare at my bright screen in a dark room, I some how second guess my motives. Either it to vent my emotions, or either it is to educate others. Perhaps it is a bit of both. I'm posting this briefly before I lay myself down to rest from work, having just gotten home and showered as quickly as I could before the routines of others came into play and prevented me from brushing my teeth. Again.
The topic I want to drag into the open once more today, though I'm sure you're all tired of hearing about it, is Multiple Personality Disorder.
It not only baffles and infuriates me to no end but it also greatly saddens me that anyone of sound mind would assume, even for a second, that this disorder is a matter of fiction. That the mere aspect of having Multiple personalities within your mind is simply a play at gaining attention or affection. The sheer fact of how challenging and frustrating it can be, and often is, completely confuses me when I hear others telling their friends how Multiple Personality disorder is a made up disease by people who crave attention. Much to the assumption that being transgender is only for attention, I suppose. I'd like to put a few things down that have very recently plagued me for the past month...
I wish it was only for attention. I greatly do. Because if it were for the simple reward of attention, I could merely shut it off whenever it suited me and forget about it completely until I felt lonely enough to gain more attention from it. People hardly ever realize how difficult life can be when you're juggling your daily routine around several other opinions in your head. Something as simple as remember to eat breakfast can be a daunting task, as you may be just about to eat but another personality takes front instead, skipping the meal or not feeling hungry; and by the time you return...half the day may have gone by. Or perhaps you're a victim of 'triggers' that can easily upset other alts and send you into an episode of emotions and hallucinations. Perhaps you're driving your vehicle at 65mph on the interstate and your child alt decides that he wants to try driving like the adults do. This could spell instant disaster for not only yourself and your 'headmates' but for anyone else on the road as well.
Any spare thought you have to yourself could easily be shared with your group without you giving permission for such. Any idea you have can easily be stolen from your thought, and taken by another. You may be neck deep in a task that you rather enjoy, when suddenly you're six hours away and your hobby is no longer in your hands. You wander and look for it, wondering where it's been placed. When you ask others, they'll simply ask you "Where did you have it last?"
Well, that's simple. I had it in my hands. Six hours ago...But then they may go on to discribe that you didnt seem to worried about it five minutes ago. But they also do not realize that the body moved, the mouth spoke, the lungs let you breathe and the eyes let you see. But they did so for someone else. Your own body betrayed you and allowed someone else to misplace your things, change your channels, change your style. But its not even your own body, now is it? No, you share it. As daunting of a task as it is to share your personal things and to have to hand over possessions that you love dearly, you must also remember never to alter your physical because...you share it. It's not yours. Not really.
Anything you do must be discussed in a group format, if possible, so as not to upset someone else that you literally must listen to for the rest of your life. Every minute is shared, every secret is spoiled. Any memory you wish to keep sacred and to yourself, you must spend extra energy to keep guarded. By the time you have your most precious memories guarded safely away from the prying eyes of others within your mind---you've far too little energy to even bother fronting at all. You may drift off for the day, for a week...for a month perhaps. Everything requires energy, and you must not forget....you share that too.
Your most intimate thoughts...you share. Your most secret fears...you share. Your most tragic memories...you share. Nothing is yours anymore.
Sometimes even, you will discover your secrets have been shared with someone without your permission, and only because that alt had been clumsy enough to not delete his text messages...
If you make a private account on a computer, a place to call your own and to try and hide away from the other voices that constantly ask you questions or bicker about when one should be allowed to color while the other wishes to watch television...dont forget. You share everything. That password you thought was your own? No, no..they often see those. Although you dont look at the keyboard, your mind remembers the placement and the letters and therefore; the words. The password is not yours anymore.
Being a Shepard Alt is just as difficult and I implore everyone with DID or MPD to please appreciate the chaos that your Shepard must endure. They must be the ones to dictate who may come and go and when they may do it. When one may color while the other watches his television show, while juggling who will be able to go to work tonight and do a good job; all the while balancing out when your host may have private time of his own with his boyfriend. While doing all that, you must try to not play favorites else it makes the other alts jealous and therefore rebellious. And nothing is more frustrating than a rebellious personality who, by the way, also has control of your limbs.
This is why it confuses me.
Why the idea of this disorder being simply for attention is such a drastic blast of false assumptions that it makes my head spin. Well...our...head spin. Mental disorders and diseases take so much of your life away, that you hardly seem to realize you're even living anymore. It takes up so much of your time, that a year can go by and you regret not doing anything productive with it. Your job may be in danger of termination every time you decide to relax and let another take your place, as mine is in now. Unknown to me, jobs have not been done properly. This was brought to my attention tonight when I was informed that my duties are being limited during the summer, and my boss is doing everything she can to keep me from being terminated from too few hours given. Bless her, I know she is trying to make sure I stay employed. But she also is not aware of the personalities that I try so desperately to keep within my head. Fact is...she does not even know I exist. Simply that I am speaking in my host's stead, but she will only know me as him.
And so we come to another piece of the never ending puzzle.
Being invisible. No one will know you if you are not the host. Not really. You may never walk to a crowd and hear your name spoken first, or at all. You may not even see your name on paper unless written in secret by your own hand. You may or may not ever have the opportunity at physical affection or intimacy, as these are usually things that the Host keeps for themselves. If this is different for you, please understand that you must appreciate this. Not every alt has this opportunity.
Take every opportunity as a blessing, in fact.
Some of us may simply be a manager, and never a person.
Please be kind to Multiple Personalities....we are many, we are important, and we are often but shadows in your bright world.
- 0 comments
AlexandruVlk added a blog entry in HeadSpaceHER STORYGood evening, again haha
I just wanted to bring up a fabulous show I've found on youtube called 'Her Story' about a transgender woman and a lesbian ciswoman, the fights, struggles and transphobia that dear Violet endures; like most transwomen do.
Please take a moment to watch but please be aware of trigger warnings.
- 0 comments
AlexandruVlk added a blog entry in HeadSpaceThe truth about YouTRIGGER WARNING: This post contains mention of--Self harm, abuse, self image, depression, and other possible triggering topics.
This is something that has crossed my mind in recent events, and I shamelessly must let it out else my mind may explode. You.
Male. Female. Transfemale. Transmale. Non-binary. Androgynous. Gender Fluid. Fae, they, him, her, we, zei, zem.....
Pronouns and identities. More than I could ever count without assistance, but all are just as important as the next. I couldnt possibly name them all without looking them up, for the variety of people are as vast as the drops in the ocean.
These were all things very much foreign to myself no more than two years ago. Had you asked me two years in the past, I would have simply replied that there are two genders, and Ren. Had you asked me if there was anything aside from men and women, I'd have said no. I'm no fool to lie and say that I knew about these sorts of things several years past. I'll admit fully that things I know now, I never new before. I never even assumed such things. But there is something that I do know, and had I known about this wide world of other identities back then, it still would have applied.
The respect that you show a ciswoman when opening a door for her is also the same respect you should show a transwoman. The same respect you show a cisman who has done something admirably masculine, you should also share to a transman. The respect you show to anyone, regardless of gender or identity, should not be narrowed down based off who you think is noble enough to have it. It does not matter if that person has done something you feel is outside of your opinion of their gender, such as a feminine man or a masculine woman. They're people. Not an object. You cannot pick and choose where your respect lies. A hero with a revised birth certificate is no less a hero than a person with an unaltered.
Your gender is not what is within your pants. Your value is not established by what, or who, you identify as. Your value is established by you. By the respect you show to others. By the compassion you show and the willingness to learn when others are trying to teach you about themselves. Regardless of the lesson or the context, you have the responsibility to show your attention; even if you dont understand at the time. It doesnt matter if you have marks on your flesh from burns, cuts, bruises or starvation. It does not matter if you wear small sizes or large sizes. It does not matter if your flesh is pale or dark or perhaps even the shade of the Grinch. You are your own value. A high, beautiful value.
Your reflection may not please you, and this is something I understand fully. My own reflection is not, in many ways, my own. But that makes me no less a person. I am who I allow myself to be. I wished in so many ways, that I could see myself the way others see me. That way I could either love what I see, or know what it was that made them treat me so foully. But the truth is, you dont need anyone's approval. You dont need to mold yourself into what everyone else is. You have already been molded beautifully, flawlessly. But it is up to you to put that masterpiece in the kiln and finish who you are. You can paint your colors along the way, but you cannot successfully paint the surface until you're done trying to mold.
The truth is, you are a beautiful soul. A beautiful person. And no, it does not matter who is reading this. You may be going through hard times, and others around you may or may not understand it. Not fully, anyway. There are always pieces of our pain that we never give to others, sometimes in shame and other times simply because we dont want them to suffer with us. I understand that. I'm still struggling with it.
You may be battling sickness, or mental turmoil, or perhaps emotional tragedy. You may be self harming in one, or many, of a vast array of ways and not even know it. You may think "it's just a scratch" or "it's just one meal...". But it's not. Not to me.
I may not know you personally, but I do care. If you dont believe me, just message me. We'll talk about whats going on, and we'll get through this together. In case no one has ever told you, you are beautiful.
You are not fat. You are not too skinny. You are not ugly, you are not worthless, and you ARE worth so much more than you think. Your life is more valuable than their opinions. You do not need to watch your feet in shame and hide your face from the world. You have committed no crime worthy of self hate. Even Hannibal Lector knew that, despite his horrendous crimes, he was still a person. We've all done things wrong. And we all have things about ourselves that we not only dislike, but cannot change. But that does not make you any less of a person.
You are valuable, and you are worthy of affection, protection, forgiveness and appreciation. I'm not saying this just to make you feel better, I mean it. I mean it for you and for myself. It's difficult and its frustrating, but you..my dearest reader...need to forgive yourself. For what you may ask?
For doubting yourself. Everyone has doubted themselves at one point or another, but perhaps you do more than others around you. Dont. You're so much more capable than you let yourself be. I believe in you. Me, a stranger living lord knows how far away. Forgive yourself and move on, move up, and move higher. Something that Ren and I have taken very deeply is a speech from a Rocky movie. Not because it is possibly our most favorite franchise ever, but because when we hear it, we hear his father. I'll type the words, but please watch the scene.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!"
"I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens". But until you start believing in yourself, you aint gonna have a life."
This, shamelessly, brings me to tears almost every time. And whenever we're in a tight spot, I search through our ipod and I find this and we listen.
My point is, be yourself. No one can be you better than yourself. It doesnt matter what other people think about you. They dont know you like you do. No one does or ever will. I cannot promise that you wont loose people along the way, but if they walk away from you, they were never there to begin with. You're a treasure, not a burden. And if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Message me, or message me and ask for my number and I will gladly text you. You're worthy of appreciation and affection. Especially from yourself. And dont you dare let anyone tell you any different.
Afterall, if they call you a freak, take it as a compliment. Freaks have the best understanding of the world around them, have fought the toughest battles, and as it's been said countless times over the centuries.....Us freaks have to stick together.
A proud Freak,
- 0 comments
AlexandruVlk added a blog entry in HeadSpaceFamily Feuds growing ColdGood Evening Ladies, Gents, Faes, and every other possible person who may be reading this regardless of identity or pronoun.
That particular sentence is something that I can be proud of...I do have a confession to make, but perhaps the topic of my blog first? Yes, I do think that this would be the best tactic to use first and foremost. I do warn you, however, that this post is very long.
Thursday. That day, in a childhood long past yesterday, was a day in which I would usually spend from sun up until sun down with my blistered hands around a roughly made ax, chopping at firewood for the family hearth. It would keep us warm far through the rugged nights, far too soon for spring but no longer dead winter. Life in the Romanian Mountains were not easy, regardless on if you prefer to think of my story as truth or falsehood. Perhaps these memories that I keep as my own are made in my own false assumptions. A story that I had intended to tell, made up and woven together for a book that I havent yet written. Or, perhaps, they were indeed a life that I once lived. Either way, they're far too clear and dear to me for my assumptions of deception. Regardless, winter is harsh on many people for many reasons in many countries. Romania, you'd imagine, were no different.
Our winters usually ran much longer than the average winter in America, and although winter in the north east of America usually is rough and not for the weak--this year has been alarmingly and vastly the opposite. This time last year, we were plowing our driveways from five feet of bitter cold snow and unforgiving wind chills of around -20F. This year? No, no, this year is very different. This year we've had a week a rain, followed by a week of snow. A week of freezing rain and miles of ice skating roads, then followed by 60F and biker short weekends. Some are happy for it, some are not. I'm sure that the lack of freezing temperatures has been forgiving to the elderly, but the ice has not been. It is a difficult thing to judge when you have so many different angles to look at it from.
This is something that was heavy on my mind as I drove an hour and a half away from 'home' in New Hampshire, staring at the bare patches of dead grass where snow drifts should be. Bears awakening from hibernation in confusion and hunger, only to wonder if they're supposed to go back to sleep or ride out the returning cold. The interstate I drove on had become littered with raccoons, a bear, countless deer and I dare say; even a few bats. Nature is beyond confused. As were I, though it were not the weather which had confused me.
Ren and I recieved word from his mother that she is leaving for Georgia, as planned, and would like to meet with us for lunch before they go. Ren immediatly agreed, wanting nothing more than to see his little brother and two nieces before theyre ripped from his life once more. But, sadly, he requested that I take the wheel in most parts as he will not have the courage to stand up to the disrespect his older sister bestows upon him. I gladly accepted, since I do not get to spend much time with his family and want to develop my own understanding of them. Oh, did I ever...
His older sister made it clear that we were going to 'Friendlys' for lunch, despite Ren insisting that there wasnt one in that town. He should know, he frequents this town rather often for monthly shopping and errands. After demanding he just do as she said, he shrugged it off and agreed. She called back soon later, saying their going to 'Pizza Hut' instead. Which he chuckled at, knowing theyd been shut down for some time due to an outbreak of food poisoning and bad review. Once more did she call, but this time to confirm that there even was an 'Apple Bees' and actually listened when he explained that they moved, but yes, there is one. I drove us there calmly, reassuring him to breathe and try to remain calm when she is rude, and keep a brave face for his little brother's sake. He agreed, and we got out of the vehicle. She were there before us by only a minute, in tow with his little brother Kai and his niece Kairi; informed that his mother and the others would arrive shortly. They found a table large enough for the big family, and we all sat down to wait. The waitress came and asked for drinks. I, unfortunatly, got slightly confused and caused a bit of embarrassment. Something about drinks on-tap, or on the fountain, make us ill. Sodas, for instance, that are not bottled. I said on-tap, and was attempting to explain to correct myself, but Amanda (the older sister) made a charade out of it to make me look like a fool and didnt know what I was talking about. Annoyingly, she and the waitress had a laugh about my confusion and I went with a simple bottle of water.
Soon enough, Ren's mother appeared. In her wake was her Husband, Ren's new stepfather, who has so far managed to stay out of my wrath. His youngest brother, Jordan, was also there. An unexpected surprise, but not unpleasant. In fact, he's one of the few that Ren and I can correct on the deadnaming without confrontation. He normally just falters but corrects himself and giggles. Autistic, but not unintelligent. The meal was ordered on three separate checks, Ren taking ownership of his own meal that he shared with Kai. Something of the normal considering their tastes and appetite are much of the same. They talked of random things, Amanda constantly referring to Kai as his old, feminine name. Ren and Kai would exchange looks but say nothing, knowing it's just her cold hearted self, per usual. Much to our delight, Ren's mother managed to call him Warren instead of Kristy. Which was surprising and reassuring. She seems to be managing, so far, not to anger us. Even his stepfather, Joe, slipped up. Ren, too nervous to say anything, asked me to step in. I gave him a short and toneless "Ren" when he said Kristy. His mother gave Joe a look as if to ask him to cooperate, and he quickly did.
Aside from the loud and embarrassing blabbering of his older sister, the meal went more pleasantly than expected. I (in Ren's stead) were mocked for being such a healthy tipper, despite the waitress being rude to me. I have no shame in this. I always tip well, be it the waiter/ess or our usual hairdresser. Old habits. But now were the time in which Ren took a step back and allowed me full fronting, knowing this were the hardest part. Good Byes.
Saying Goodbye to Kai went easier and less tearful than the last. He had finally been given the two gifts that were promised months ago. His lip ring and his phone, much deserved in order to be dragged across country. His mother used Ren's proper name, as did Joe and Jordan. Kairi and Mackenzie still refer to him as Aunt Kristy, but what else is to be expected when Amanda is their mother? Then came Amanda's turn...She wrapped her arms around me, but I did not return the gesture. I stood there coldly, staring at her. "What, I dont get a hug?" she asked. I smiled in spite and arched a brow, staring into her face. "What's my name..?" I asked her, knowing she'd never say it. She jokingly said a word that, in other terms, refers to a female dog. In which I shook my head. "Exactly. You cant even say it, so why should I offer you a gesture of affection when you cant even show me respect?"
She didnt get her hug. And she doesnt seem to like me much. Which is fine with us. It's mutual. They may be Ren's family, but I have that pleasant understanding that my own biological family is far beyond their graves. Their times ran short generations ago, so I have the benefit of choosing my family. Kai is my family. Ren is my family. My headmates are my family. I dare say even my friend Destinee is in my family. Only I can choose my family. Amanda is not in it. Neither is Joe or Ren's mother, yet. I can always choose otherwise, but they must earn it. I do not trust easily, and if you earn my trust, do not make me regret it. My wrath is fierce and forgiveness be few. I've been a part of this game a lot longer than Ren or any of his loved ones, and I'll not be crossed as easily.
As an end note...
Please, I do emplore you to visit my next blog post. It were meant to be in this one, but I'm afraid it's dragged a bit long. Please do visit my blog post titled "The truth about You".
Thank you for reading and listening to my rambling,
- 0 comments
AlexandruVlk added a blog entry in HeadSpaceDeadpool, markers and MisgenderingGood Evening, everyone. I do hope that everyone has had a pleasant day or evening. So far, mine has been rather uneventful and dull, aside from the taunting scent of fresh baked brownies coming from the kitchen. I've been informed that I'm not allowed, sadly. Warren has had us on this new kick of exercise and trying to eat better. I dare say, his sandwich he'd made with turkey, salami, cheese, spinach and red pepper hummus nearly forced me to vomit mid-bite. I do not think I'll be doing that again. On the side, we have been going to the gym whenever we have time and taking some time on the treadmill. 30 minutes so far, an average of 200 calories burned both times. We'd like to go more often, but we only go after-hours where we work (with permission) when no one else is there due to anxiety of working out around other people. Doing such demands we get there at around midnight, unfortunatly.
It's been alright, so far. It's good to get out of the house and just get on a treadmill and watch a big screen while we work out. Honestly, my legs dont feel so restless at night now since we've been doing it. It has been surprisingly pleasant. We havent lost much weight yet but it's still very early in the routine so perhaps just to give it more time.
We go back to see the surgeon Dr.Feins on the 13th for a revised consultation about the top surgery. Only after we get that done can we go ahead and send the paperwork to the insurance company and pray to all Gods known to man that they'll approve us for assistance. Or at least a loan of some sort. We're all very much counting on some assistance with this. We greatly appreciate everyone who had donated to the cause, and although the site forced us to withdraw the funds thus far, they remain in a box unspent and saved for surgery. Or at least some after-care products after the surgery is done, as it's not even 10% of the cost of the surgery. But it's all appreciated and much better than nothing!!
Life has been slightly more quiet with the alters lately. Everyone seems to have settled down slightly and become more cooperative. Milo is surprisingly quiet, mostly entertaining himself with some game with Mathias. At times, Mathias will disappear altogether, most likely to his own headspace. Abby has decided she wants to change her name from Abriella Marilyn Dahlia to Harley Abriella Marilyn. No one has disagreed with this idea so I now have to get used to calling her Harley and not Abby. It's been more difficult that you'd think. Ben is more active lately, taking over while driving or coloring or watching television. Ren has settled a bit, seeming to have a more normal awake schedule and taking over more often, as he should. There's perhaps an inkling of yet another alt but thus far it has been nothing more than a thought. A presence noted, though it could very well just be the manifestation of one of the other alts popping in and out. I've yet to be able to identify solid tell-tale signs of specific alts, aside from scents. Milo tends to have a more childish smell, a bit like that scent you find on a young baby. Mathias tends to smell more like incense or a perfume of some sort, or perhaps a bath oil. Harley tends to smell more flowery, like a deodorant that Ren used to wear. Ben has a different smell, more boyish but not exactly a masculine scent. More like...perhaps popcorn mixed with axe deodorant, if that makes any sense.
I cannot smell my own scent, as most people dont identify their own smells. I've been informed that I usually smell like sweat or fire smoke, though I'm not sure that's a good thing. Harley swears that it's a good smell, but that sounds drastically unattractive to me. Lastly, Ren tends to smell like Axe Pheonix and tea. Naturally, of course, considering those are his two most freuquently used items. I'm attempting to study these details more thoroughly in order to gain a sense of awareness to presences in alts. It's more difficult than you'd think. As if trying to memorize the order of a constantly shuffled deck of cards. Not impossible, I imagine, but very difficult.
On another topic, we've been rather busy with our artwork. Though I'm disappointed that I can no longer 'draw' as well as I imagined or, frankly, remember being able to; I do find myself a slice of peacefulness by coloring sketches instead. We find pages online and have Justin's mother print them while she's at work, and we've secured them into a 3ring binder in page protectors. Everyone has a few tags with their initials on them, and they can 'claim' specific pages that they like. But only a certain amount of them at a time, only allowed to claim another page after one of their own has been finished. That way no one can claim dozens more than the next person. At present, Milo hasnt done any. They're a bit too 'grown up' for him, being detailed and whatnot, and he has his own cartoon coloring books. Though he's expressed no interest in actually coloring in them. He's been extremely quiet lately and sleeping a great amount. Perhaps when certain alts become more active, other alts become less active. Like a battery switching between certain lines, perhaps. Just an observation, of course. I'm not a scientist, nor a doctor.
In terms of Ren and my writings, we've become rather accustomed to taking turns writing paragraphs. Depending on who has the best idea at the moment, we take our turns either when our creativity runs out or the other has a fantastic idea or scene that they'd like to add in. Of course, we take each piece into consideration instead of blotching together a confusing puzzle. But it works out, nonetheless. He's put me in charge of a few of the characters while he's mostly in charge of plotlines and altercations. The main character seems to be mine at the moment, which is nice. We've had a bit of a disagreement in regards to one of the characters, particularly her personality and appearance. He'd like to alter her in regards to copywrite and not wanting to overshadow a good friend's already-created character. I insist that he's being silly and to leave the poor character as she is, that I rather enjoy her with how we'd envisioned her. But he's starting to see the character in a different light than I am, and is threatening to scrap her altogether. I wont allow it, of course. To me, characters are people. They're creations of the mind and I take great care and appreciation into each one. Even the ones intended to be the less good or the evil doers. Any character's death is taken into a huge consideration to me, and I do not take lightly to simply writing out a character once I've envisioned them fully in my mind. Ellenora is a person to me, and not just fiction. She is caring, compassionate, intelligent and has a very large capacity for love and appreciation. She's gentle in the heart and soul, but firm when the time prompts for it. Even her appearance is set in stone to me, though he has agreed to allow me to change a few things. Her hair is a bit of an auburn color, not entirely red but vastly more crimson than chestnut. Her eyes will have a hue of green, though mostly a soft shade of brown. She has pleasantly rounded cheeks and an affectionate smile, causing little wrinkles towards the corners of her eyes when she shows her true happiness in things. This is not just a character to me. She is a dear friend, and a large piece of this puzzling book series. Without her, I fear the book will be lost. The plotline to ruin and the main character to be doomed to wandering without cause.
He fails to see the reasoning for my compassion for fictional characters. But as I see it, characters are a piece of the writer. Little pieces that they do not show the world themselves, but through their art. That is what writing is to me. An art form, for it is just as challenging to me at times than it is to the painter before his canvas. I'm painting a picture and I want it to be perfect. I'll not have him switching my paints or smudging my lines.
With that subject aside, we come to another event that has prompted my attention. While out to lunch with myself, Ren's brother Kai and his boyfriend Justin, we were enjoying a pleasant meal at a favorite restaurant. I ordered a drink that Ren normally wouldnt, prompting the attention of Kai, who is aware of my existence but understands not to out me. When the waitress were taking our orders, she noted to the fact that Ren was helping Kai order his food. Kai has a bit of a social anxiety as well, so he was helping him decide on what he'd like. The waitress thought this was cute and sweet, and smiled nicely and asked "are you two sister?". Well, to be honest, neither of us liked this at all, and Ren knew that it would bother Kai as well, as he is also transgender. Immediatly, though perhaps a little too sharply, Ren replied "No, we're brothers." The woman seemed a bit perplexed by this for a moment, but Ren stood his ground and Kai agreed. The waitress acknowledged this with confirming that she'd heard him correctly, and she had, and she left to put in our orders. Justin expressed his irritation that Ren had been rude by his tone towards her, so he'd made an effort the rest of the meal to be pleasant and smile to her nicely. Though I'm sure he didnt mean to snap, I'm glad that he didnt submit to her assumed gendering. I really wish that people would take more consideration into their words before letting them slip. To us, this was just another day in the life of a transgender man. To another person, it could have been a catastrophic and devastating blow to the self esteem. It has not been mentioned since by any of us verbally, but by the smile Kai gave Ren, I know that it was not for waste. It made his day, easily.
I'm sad to report that Kai goes home on Sunday for a ridiculous and wasteful trip south with his appauling mother and transphobic older sister. But hopefully this has been a good visit for him, as we've done all we can (financially as well) to make this a good visit. We went to the theater (much to Ben's delight, as he finally got to see his idol on the big screen; Deadpool), we went out to dinners on a few occasions, and played endless hours of minecraft. Not to mention the hours that Kai clocked in by spending online on IMVU, despite the slight drop in internet speeds due to such. We've all done our bests to ignore the irritating internet speeds so that he could talk to his friends, since he wont be able to for a few months by the end of this week. I'm not sure if Justin is going with us to bring Kai back, as he hates Ren's mother with a passion so hot that he refuses all holidays with the family. Ren went to Christmas to their house by himself this past year, as Justin was refusing tooth and nail. I would too, if not for the uncontrollable circumstances of sharing a body. She boils my blood like no other woman I know, but I see no sense in dragging on the inevitable with her when I'm more concerned for Kai's safety. She's nothing to me but a roadblock, and every roadblock can be removed, one way...or another.
However, it's closing soon to an hour past midnight, and I've been instructed not to stay up late as we have an appointment with the neighbor early tomorrow morning to help clean her house before lunch. I cannot refuse, as the poor woman is suffering enough as it is in a war with her pompous and pathetic waste of oxygen, her ex-husband. That little man is less my height and twice less my dignity. He's so self richious, I want nothing more than to perhaps run him over with a train. And maybe even in a loop to ensure he wont be bothering her again. He'll not stop until she's homeless, I swear, the disgusting cockroach. There's a special place in the depths for people like him, and he'll get his by the Punisher of the Tormentor soon enough. I only wish I could be there to see it.
I'll have my own slice at the hellfire one day, I'm sure. But all I can do is pray it wont be today, and take all due punishments with my dignity intact.
For now, I'll have to say goodnight and good day.
Your devoted Ghost,
- 0 comments
AlexandruVlk added a blog entry in HeadSpaceThe Artist in MeHello again!
As I stated in my previous blog, I werent exactly finished, haha!
I have been working on more artwork in both the mandalas and other art pages and I fully enjoy doing them. It's very addicting! I had mentioned to our doctor that we're no longer taking our anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medications anymore because we dont feel that we need them anymore. When she asked what we were doing to help our anxiety instead, we explained that we've been doing Adult Coloring Books and other art and it is helping greatly on our focus and stress. She agreed and explained that it is actually now being used as a therapy for people with Anxiety Disorders and encouraged us to stay on the routine we have now, dismissing the medications and instead going to art. No arguments here!
So we were given permission to buy 20$ worth of Adult Coloring books from online, but we were a bit sad to find that 20$ does not go far with these books. Most of the books under 5$ werent very detailed or struck our interest. The only two that we found that we really wanted were 9.95$ each and another 5$ in shipping. So we got those two, but then wondered how else we could have a large variety of things to color without breaking the bank. So instead we looked up "Adult Coloring pages" and "Blank Linework art" online and found hundreds of interesting coloring pages that were more our age range. We saved about thirty of them and made sure to get pages that each of us (alts) wanted. After Justin's mother offered to print them out while she was at work, we then had the task of figuring out what to do with all those loose papers.
So we bought a large 3ring binder and two packages of page protectors. Viola! Our own hardcover art book that will also protect the finished artwork! Cheap and very effective than buying several art books that might have pages that we have no interest in coloring.
Here are a few photos of the book and the finished art.
Cover page by Alexandru V.
Elven Queen by Alexandru V.
"Sugar Baby Mama" by Abriella D.
More to come soon, I assure you!
Now....if only we could write off coloring as a therapy-related Prescription and get our insurance to pay for our markers and binders!
Ha! One can only dream, haha
Also Ren and I have decided to try and get back into the work of bookwriting. It'll be an effort on both our parts!
- 0 comments
AlexandruVlk added a blog entry in HeadSpaceBraveryTRIGGER WARNING: Self harm mention, Self harm recovery
Good Evening again, ladies, gentlemen and mythical beasts. Today has been fairly productive (this week actually) and I finally am able to sit down and do a bit of blogging.
Thankfully I am able to report that the reason for my ability to blog right now is due to the wonderful new arrival of new keyboard keys on the laptop. The old one made typing extremely frustrating due to several keys not working, but Ren ordered a new one and his sister-in-law installed it. It's so wonderful to be able to type and type away without any problems with missing letters! Which is one good thing to report this week at least. A well-working keyboard makes every writer a happy writer.
On another note, we went to see our doctor this week. Originally it were to ask for the paperwork to be sent to our surgeon to send to the insurance, in hopes of having our surgery approved. Much to our embarrassment and annoyance, she explained that all we had to do in the first place was call the Surgeon and ask them to send it, since they should still have all the necessary papers. Foolish us! Otherwise, we'd planned to come clean to our doctor about the MPD condition (since it were a therapist who has talked about it to begin with, insisting we find another therapist when we left but we never did). It was sort of a swift, avoided, drive-by mention; to be honest. Ren were talking about different things we were told to look into by our old therapist, mentioning that we were told to find a new therapist "Considering the bipolar stuff, the MPD, and the -----" So it was a very brief "oh by the way" sort of thing. The doctor caught it, however, but thankfully didnt make a whole parade out of it. She simply said that if we were comfortable with it, and we werent having any problems or issues and still are able to function properly in day-to-day tasks; she saw no reason why we should seek out therapy or medications. Which was a relief, to be honest. We were really afraid that she would ask us to seek medical attention for it.
But I do, however, wish to state my pride in Ren. He has been cut-free for several months since getting his tattoo, and I am very proud of him for this. As his final "I'm done" task, he took his small match container full of razor blades and exacto-knife blades to the doctors office with him. He handed them to the doctor without being prompted, explained that he didnt need them anymore, and allowed her to put the container in the medical sharps box. I'm very proud of him, as this was a huge step for him and he took it without being prompted or asked to do so. Congratulations Warren!
Also, with his permission, I've taken screenshots of a post he made earlier today and I'd like to share it with you all.
There is more to blog about, but I'd like to leave this one on those notes.
Very proud of you Warren!
- 0 comments
AlexandruVlk added a blog entry in HeadSpaceMental Illnesses and MisunderstandingsI wanted to just vent a bit tonight if you do not mind. But I do want to add a "Trigger Warning" to those of you who are reading this. I will be adding these to my blog posts now, whenever I feel they are necessary. PLEASE do not hesitate to ask me to add them to posts that you feel need them. I know how important they are.
TRIGGER WARNING: OCD, MPD, DID, Anxiety, Depression and Mental Illness
Mental Illnesses.....So drastically misunderstood by so many that it baffles your very soul to see others laugh in the face of other peoples' suffering. To watch in full willingness to the pain and frustration of someone close to you, and either do nothing to help or do the exact opposite, unknowingly endangering that person's wellbeing or state of mind. I see it every day, to be rather honest with you. It saddens me greatly. Not only because it is being done to others that I care about, or even strangers that I do not fully know, but also because I too suffer from both the ignorance of others and Mental Illness.
By now the fact of my Multiple Personality Disorder are rather clear. It is the reasons behind most of my blog posts. But other illnesses also play an important role in my daily life, along with the daily life of my 'siblings' or 'headmates'. My host and dear brother holds record, so it seems, for to most 'labels' that I can even imagine. Including but not limited to OCD, MPD (obviously), social anxiety, emotional anxiety, depression, claustrophobia, Bipolar disorder, and more. I myself can only self diagnose considering my situation, being that some doctors may not even see me as a factual person but rather an imaginary manifestation of the mind.
From what I have found of myself and what I have researched (I assure you, I am not a WebMD sort of man.) I can say with honest conviction that I do suffer from OCD, light situational Depression, Claustrophobia and perhaps anxiety. I say perhaps because it may just be situation demanding. Situation being high mentally tasking situations such as large crowds, lots of talking--things that would prompt a large sensory overload. Again, this is only self diagnosis.
But the sheer ignorance that people show who are not afflicted by such disorder is beyond....upsetting to say the least. The other day while I were on duty at work, I stopped the vehicle and saw two young girls mocking and laughing at a young man who was busy fixing his shirt. Apparently he had somehow missed a button on his shirt and the whole thing were crooked. Some people would just chuckle and correct it with a shrug of their shoulders, being no more daunting a task that retying your shoe. But to him, this was a drastic catastrophe that needed correcting immediately. The fact that his shirt were uneven and incorrect drove him to such a measure that he whipped off his shirt right there in the 23F winter weather, shivering and embarrassed, fixing his buttons as if it would save his very life. And they laughed.....They giggled and patted his shoulder and told him he was silly. He was obsessed. That he needed to "chill out" that it was "just a shirt".
You see these types of situations everywhere. Not too long ago, during the summer shift changes, Ren were working at the bar instead of on patrol. He rather enjoys this switch, as the constant interaction of people helps him to overcome his social anxiety--but with the very important detail of having a very wide counter-top between him and the customers. This very important but seemingly silly detail makes the whole situation tolerable for him. Something about having that mandatory, unavoidable space between him and another person is the only reason that he can stand it at all. His coworkers chuckled and said he would be fine without the counter, not really fully understanding the need for such things. Of course, you cannot blame them or be angry either. Those who do not experience war, cannot understand the terror of a gunshot.
As another example, you have the situation of repeated notions. Tourettes Syndrome. People usually associate the condition of Tourettes with swearing uncontrollably, but do not realize that these 'ticks' can be a very vast variety of symptoms. It may be constant sneezing, twitches, blinking constantly, lip biting, giggling at bad times---all these things can be symptoms of Tourettes. Ren also suffers from Tourettes Syndrome through the tick of 'cheek chewing'. He continuously chews on the insides of his cheeks, creating what can only be described as 'reversed Joker Scars'. It is subconscious and, at most times, unavoidable. The best solution we've been given thus far is 'chewing gum' to chew on instead of the cheeks. Of course, it comes with the downside of damage to your teeth and developing cavities. But with the alternative to possible mouth cancer from the damages to your cheeks---I suppose that is the best choice. But it amazes me how many people have told him "just stop doing it". Ha! If only it were that simple.
"Just stop doing it"
Its a phrase that people like us hear often. "People have it so much more worse than you do. Just cheer up". That is as effective as cutting off your pinkie and saying "Other people have done something worse. Just stop hurting already." Society has planted this idea in our minds that others have it so much worse, so much more drastic and emergent that we are forced to assume that it's really not that bad. That the person who is 'complaining' about their situation can simply 'suck it up' and move on. You do not realize how much courage it took for them to admit their pain, only to be told that their agony is invalid and unworthy of mentioning or sympathy. Perhaps they dont even want your sympathy but rather your understanding and perhaps some encouragement to endure and prosper. So many many times I have heard "so much more worse than". When Ren admitted to someone that he was struggling with cutting himself and that although the wounds were not deep, it hurt and it was addictive. The response he received? "I know someone who did it a lot worse than you. They needed stitches." Oh, I apologize...I did not realize that pain and suffering were also a competition. Pardon me while I try to outdo the damage done....
I'm not sure exactly where I am going with this blog aside from just a bit of venting. To get these thoughts off my chest and onto the screen. Perhaps to share my insight on how I feel about these situations and..perhaps even put the thoughts that others are having as well. Afterall, it can be very relieving and gratifying to know that your thoughts are also the thoughts of others.
In my own situation --that actually prompted this blog---is my OCD. This is a post that I wrote upon my facebook wall.
"Over Compulsive Disorder.
OCD can be very difficult to live with at times. Yes, I will organize the simplest of things. No, you will not find a mixmatched storage chest in my Minecraft game. Yes, I count every single block of that house I built to ensure it is all even. No, you will not find a window that does not match the opposing wall. Or a door that is not centered. And yes, I will destroy the entire set if it is uneven. No, it is not funny.
We cannot help these things....But sometimes it takes just a push from others to make it much worse. You may reorganize my things just for the fun of it, and I may smile and laugh when you shake your head at my desperation to rearrange them. You may think me crazy because I NEED things just so, or that I'm just obsessed with keeping things in a pattern. You may shrug and see it as no big deal if I realize that the pattern of the design in which I am coloring is not even, but it drives me mad. I can spend hours working on a mandala, setting the colors just so---and realize that though I've been doing one color every other flower and realize...there arent enough and I lost count--I would rather tear that paper and start anew than shrug it off. I cannot look at it. I cannot 'ignore' it. This is what OCD is. It is not funny. It is not something to giggle at. It may be funny to watch me scurry about and rearrange my things the way I need them to be, but to me, it is agonizing. My brain CAN NOT settle or relax until it is fixed. It will pester my mind all day, whisking away any sense of focus or settlement until I know that it has been corrected. It baffles me how amusing OCD is to people who do not suffer from it.Please, if you know someone suffering from OCD--even if you dont understand it---do not torment them. Do not move their things. Do not rearrange their items because it is amusing to YOU to watch them fix it. They may laugh, they may smile and giggle at how foolish they look---but it is only because they are embarassed. We know it is not normal. Thank you for reminding us of how weird we look or act. Certainly that will correct everything, yes?Please, be considerate.Just because OCD is an invisable disease...it does not mean we do not suffer." I suppose I will end here, now that I have vented a bit. I seem to have gotten all, or most, of my thoughts down thus far. I suppose the moral of this post is.....be kind. You may not see what they are suffering from, and you may not understand why or how they feel the way they do. But that does not give you a right to judge them by their faults. Help if you can. Be sympathetic or sensative to their situations, not amused or disgusted.Believe me, if they could help it...the situation wouldnt even arise. -Alexandru Sidenote: I have finished more mandalas and I will post them in an upcoming blog post. (Along with the colorings of the others)
- 0 comments
AlexandruVlk added a blog entry in HeadSpaceMandalas for the "Systematics"Morning everyone! A very brief and quick update (Please excuse me of Ds are missing. The key seems to be dying!).
Not too much to report, aside from more mandalas have been done by both myself an Milo. He insisted! Apparently the others have been observing my own Mandala coloring an have gotten rather jealous of such fun, haha! So Ren an I decided to allow each of them to take a pick of a few of the pages. Abby, Mathias and Milo all chose a few pages as their own an marked them so that none other would color them first. It was interesting to pause, switch, let them place a signing, and switch once more. I do believe that it has drained me of all available energy, despite the fact that we have been awake all night since getting off work rather early (Shift changes to help a coworker with training off campus).
Photos are as followed:
On another note, during a rather unforgiving storm yestereve, the roads we drove on throughout working our shift was plagued with such a horrid layer of black ice. It was everywhere! Hardly avoidable. We somehow managed to survive the night with only a few minor fishtailing of the vehicle, and I credit it greatly to Ren's experience with winter driving. With about twenty minutes left to our shift, on our way back to campus from checking an off-campus dorm; we came up to a stopsign through a veil of snow and barely glimpsed ahead to see brake lights where we knew there was no road.
Immediatly putting on our caution lights, we parked next to the stop sign to warn others of the thick black ice there at four in the morning, an got out of the vehicle. The man was pacing his vehicle, a small Dodge Neon, surged up over the top of an icy snowback opposite of the stop sign. We promptly asked if he were alright, and he was, but he was stuck so drastically that his rear passenger tire did not even touch the ground. Luckily a lady in a small voltswagon also stopped when she saw what we were walking for, and we assessed the situation. The man said he could not call police or a tow due to no insurance, and we understood immediatly. They asked if we could use the suburban (work vehicle) to pull him out but declined, sure to not have a very happy boss if we did that and broke something! The lady who stopped to help was very well prepared though!
She promptly took out a bucket of sand, bag of kitty litter, two shovels; a tow cable and a pair of mittens for the gentleman; and we got to work. I were on the clock anyway with nothing left to do, might as well lend a hand! With passing cars warned by my caution lights ahead of our activities, we were easily avoided as we worked. The lady hitched his car to her own an while she pulled with the power of her Voltswagon, I opted to using good old elbow grease at the front. It took several tries and a lot of tire squeeling (and my prosuation to a Town Crew that we did NOT need a wrecker, not revealing that the car was uninsured) the car crunched up over the snowbank and back onto the roadway.
Light cracked damage to the front bumper and what looked like a plastic shield off the bottom came loose, but otherwise the car was in very good condition. The three of us shook hands and were quickly on our way, the gentleman and lady off to work and me to clock out. I had presently been in a bitter mood throughout the night for a rather complicated reason of grief, but the three of us strangers rolling up our sleeves to help eachother out really touched me. It made me smile knowing that humanity might, afterall, not be hopeless. He never asked for our help, and we did not feel inclined to ask. Human nature to help the pack took over and we did what needed to be done to help one another, without expectation or request of reward.
The only sad part was that the lady voiced her hopes of a "Big, strong guy to stop with a plow truck and give us a hand!" to which Ren laughed, mentioning a comment of "Yeah, that'd be nice. I'm just a little guy!" and the woman immediatly stared at him as if to say "Dont you mean girl?". That was rather saddening, but I encouraged him to not overthink it and to just get back to pushing because my toes were cold! Regardless, it was not a bad experience. And I mentioned it to our boss and she agreed. Had we used the truck like he'd asked, we probably would have lost our jobs. Yikes!
Anyhow, I am far overdue for some sleep. I had planned to go to sleep at a ripe time of 5;30am or perhaps 6:00am at the latest. Presently...it is 8:35am. Far overdue! Perhaps we'll save the bank and postal visits for tomorrow...
Have a warm and comfortable Eve,
- 0 comments
AlexandruVlk added a blog entry in HeadSpaceMandalas and AngerGood afternoon/Morning/Evening everyone. It's been a long while since my last blog entry but I didnt have much of anything I felt that needed to be said at the time. But I did actually promise to share the colorings I'd been doing of Mandalas. So first off, as promised, here are the photo.
This one was done 90% by Ren.
This one by myself.
This one by Ren himself.
And this one we did together.
Otherwise, there has not been very much worth reporting on. Aside from getting to know my alt-companions. There seems to be five of us in total. Myself and Ren to start with, since I am the "shepard alt" and he is the host. One girl, Abby or Abriella. She is very rough around the edges, foul mouthed and stubborn as any. But I have no worries of her causing us, the body, or others any distress. She's just.....mouthy. Apparently, being the same age as Ren and I.
Then there is the silent one, Mathias. Perhaps about eighteen years old, it seems. His english seems to lack and I'm not sure why that is, being that he should be an alternate personality of Ren. But he tends to be aggressive and demanding. But 80% of the time, he is unheard and unseen. He likes to remain in shadow it seems.
Then there is, my personal favorite companion (he visits my headspace often if I allow it), Milo. He was first convinced to have the name Ren or Renny, and did not understand fully the situation until I explained in detail. Milo chose his name himself, taken from his favorite Disney Film, Atlantis, after Milo Thatch. He wishes to be called Milo Dean Thatch, in turn. Milo is particularly special to me, not only for his unique way of actions but because he is also much younger than the rest of us. I do see him as the child side of Ren. Very open minded, energetic and talkative. He's still struggling to understand what it means to be an alt, but he has come along nicely.
I know this must all seem very strange to some of you readers, if anyone reads this at all to be certain. But my little mental family is rather nice now that I'm not alone. I do not think I was always alone in here, I think that we (Ren and myself) simply were not in a position yet where we could hear them. We weren't ready, it seems. Hopefully this 'system' does not get any larger, as the noise has become unbarable at times. So loud and clattered together like an orchestra on it's lunch break. But I will make due. Milo calls us the "Systematics Family". Oddly, we all have differing last names.
Abriella Marilyn Dahlia. Alexandru Dorian Vlk. Warren Renexius Ornan G____. Milo Dean Thatch. Mathias...well, Mathias has no middle or last name. He simply calls himself Mathias. Strange fellow....Has a sort of Persian feel which is odd to me since Warren is in no way of Persian decent. He at least has Romanian blood in him, which would account for my own self if you do not see reincarnation as a fit description. Hmm...something to think on.
Well! I suppose this is where I leave you. I'm off to go and find something entertaining to do in Sims 4, perhaps do some more mandalas later before sleeping for work. I hope that you all are very well!
Tired but strangely very awake,
I finally got my hands on a piece of Baklava! Oh happy me! I was giddy the whole way home until I could have some. Ren teased me with it for hours so he could eat his calzone first, making me wait impatiently for my first bite in---oh Goddess knows how long! It's much sweeter than I remember, but oh does it bring back memories....I'll be snacking on it now and again for a good part of today and tomorrow, too sweet to eat all at once!
Added Side note:
Finally remembered what else I was going to note. Mood swings!! Oh I cannot even begin to discover what the cause could be. At the most random times with no warning and no foreseeable cause, I get so agitated and aggrivated at the silliest things! My sweater is too tight, the car is too hot, little noises are being bothersome, the internet not working--it could be anything! Ive found myself seconds from snapping Ren's ipod in half just out of pure irritation from wifi signals not coming through. I'm not sure what's come over me! Then after a brisk walk in the fresh air or something to take my mind off it---I'm right as rain. So odd!
- 0 comments
AlexandruVlk added a blog entry in HeadSpaceRamblings of the ImaginarySometimes I cannot help but wonder what I am doing here. Not 'here' specifically, but 'here' ultimately. I understand my role within this lifetime, no matter how much I choose to object or disagree with it. In a way, I am here to protect my brother and to try again at something I failed at the first time. I had been so focused on the fact that I clearly am not from this generation and that this is not my life--that I completely overlooked the reasons as to why. Why I am here, why I am functioning, and why I remember things that clearly I should not. Only recently have I realized the reasons. Or, at least, my suspected reasons.
I need to start over. I need to learn from my flashbacks. Learn from my past, and learn from the mistakes that were made. But not dwell on them. Yes, remember the things that I've been grated the ability to remember, and dont let those things fade from my understanding. But not to become stuck upon them and forget that I'm in the now and not the then. I remember my two intimate companions' names and this is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing to put a name to their faces and to be able to say 'yes, he/she was called ____, but I called them ____'. But a curse because now I know who I am grieving for. Arlena was the first. She had long flaming red hair, green eyes like fresh spring grass, fair skin and the softest hands you'd ever held. She had a gentle firmness about her, as if she could be caught snuggling the bunny that would later become her dinner. I fell instantly for her sense of confidence in everything she did. I knew that yes, as a damsel of those times, they were often weak willed and depended on men. And please do not see me as sexist for I am greatly the opposite, but those were the times. She seemed a polar opposite, very much independent and demanding in all her ways. She knew what she wanted and she would take it without the need to ask permission. I loved that fire about her.
We were together for a while before she introduced me to Nicolai. She knew that I admired both the sexes and, at the time, had no problem with sharing so long as it were an equal affection. When she said equal, she meant more for her and less for Nicolai. At first I agreed, getting to know him while still bowing to her wills. How could I deny her everything and anything she desired? He was younger than myself. Thinner and more frail, it seemed. He had dusty black hair that desperatly needed to be cut, but in a way--the shagginess of his unkept hair suited him. He had humble brown eyes and an adorable indentation in his cheeks when he grinned. But Nicolai were slightly different from men his age, which probably was no more than twenty. He were an adult in many, many ways. But he adored being treated like he were still a child. Being coddled or given a firm affection, told to do things rather than by request. I didnt mind it, really. I think in several ways, I actually preferred it. I suppose now the term for such a life is considered 'Dad Doms'. I've yet to understand it, but after talking to another who is in such a relationship and described how my own was with Nic, they said it's rather the same concept. I simply preferred to be called compassionate.
But where I failed in that life were that I often forgot the tasks at hand. The dangers in front of my own two eyes. Arlena was jealous, naturally, that I was soon giving more attention to Nicolai than herself. I felt, in part, that he needed it more than she did. She were so independant and self giving whilest he was the exact opposite, I felt he needed more guidance and affection than she did. But there is a fine line between needs and cravings. I didnt see it at the time. Not until everything spiralled and one thing led to another and..well, here I am.
That's the point though, isnt it? To know where you went wrong and to make a better choice? I want that for Ren. I want him to be happy and to not find his own demise with regret, wondering if he'd do it again if given the option. In our first years together, though I hadnt noticed it, I were already protecting him. When he'd get in a fight that he knew he couldnt win, I would take the lead and show him how. When he were in situations that he werent fully comfortable, I would guide him into the winning approach. Brothers, it seems. Either he is a new version of myself or perhaps even a newer Nicolai, I'll never know. They're so simular at times. But I've come to realize that spending all my time on figuring out my past and why I am in the present was wasteful and I were repeating my same mistakes.
I werent paying attention.
With certain events coming to light and my brother falling back into darkness over and over again, I had become so consumed with my own quest that I'd forgotten my original quest. Protect my Brother. The bruises on his ribs persist him. Persist me. My own ribs ache dreadfully from a binder that no longer fits, our chest increasing in size and causing not only physical pain but great emotional and mental strain. I believe that our continued growth is something more medical, and should be looked into. People of our age do not normally continue to grow in the chest unless there is something hormonally unbalanced. Perhaps our problems with our thyroid is causing the hormonal imbalance to spiral? I'll need to make an appointment but first, to get us back on track with taking our proper thyroid medications ON TIME. We've done well with it for the past week or so, but I want to ensure at least another week of it before having our levels tested.
Yes, top surgery is certainly becoming a priority in our future endeavors. But I need to also make an agreement of some sort with the insurance company to have it done. But I've seriously considered taking a time to see a Chiropractor as well for our back pain. Perhaps having a note from a chiropractor, agreeing with our notion that surgery would help our back pain, would aid in our case with the insurance company. Steps need to be taken, and one of us needs to actually get up and do them. But it is often so hard to find that courage. To find that ambition when all other attempts have been thrown aside or failed in such a manner as to cause great distress and depression. What else is there to do but keep trying? Failure is not an option when you are in a daily struggle with yourself. I am only happy that he has found comfort in his facial features and can, with confidence, take a photo of himself and not dislike how he sees himself.
So long as the photos are above chest level. I want to change this for him. For us both. Maybe then I'd have done something right.
Ah, here you are again Madam Five AM. My mistress of exhaustion has come to drag me back to her domain, haha.
With Care and Appreciation,
I have been doing more Mandala colorings. Perhaps with my next post, and perhaps some guidance on how, I will attach photos.
- 0 comments