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In and Out of Darkness

A blog by JayM in General

  • Entries

    52

  • Comments

    132

  • Views

    20,954

About this blog

Me, my thoughts, my experiences. My analysis of myself.

Entries in this blog

Male

That was my first Christmas as a man. Officially, that is. Unofficially, I've been that way for years   But all the documentation, and the websites, and the bank cards and credit cards that I have in my possession, showing my new, real name, they all tell me that I'm officially a man now. (Notwithstanding the fact that my birth certificate still says "girl" on it, but it'll be a long time before that gets changed, so I'm not counting that). I've just changed my gender on here, in that little dro
  • JayM

New Man

My husband has really changed his opinions and outlook since that chat we had back in October. I can't quite get my head around how supportive he's being. And even though he'll probably never read this, I want to thank him. He's being wonderful. The other night, while I was at my FtM meeting, he went to a pub to watch the football, but they wouldn't let him in because the place was crowded already. So he wandered back to Canal Street. Canal Street is the heart of the 'Gay Village' here in Manche
  • JayM

Name change headaches at work

For almost a week now, I've been arguing with our IT service desk about how my company email address  needs to change. They want to add my new name as an alias which isn't what I need. They also just want to change the name that is displayed to people. Both of those changes would leave my old, dead name visible for anyone to see. I don't want that. I want my dead name to disappear. That isn't unreasonable. I don't want someone to stumble across my dead name a couple of years from now. They don't
  • JayM

Waiting and hoping

I just called the doctor's surgery to find out whether they have sent my test results to the GIC. I had a bunch of blood tests last week because the GIC asked for them. They won't accept my referral until they get the results and they gave a 4 week deadline to receive them, otherwise they would reject my referral. That was a little tight, given that it took two weeks for their letter to arrive at my GP practice, requesting the blood tests in the first place, because it's almost Christmas and I p
  • JayM

Oh, and talking of...

...Smashwords... because I just did... I just went on there to check on my story downloads - and they have almost doubled since I last looked at the stats.  I've never uploaded a pic on here before so I hope it works.  Knowing me, I've probably got it wrong. But this is some of that positive reinforcement we could all use now and then. I took a leaf out of someone else's book on here because, well, why not! It made me feel good, seeing those download stats. We all need to know we're loved, don't
  • JayM

Still upbeat, despite the following complaint

So, I changed my name with my banks without any problems. I've received two replacement cards with my new name on and I'm only a tiny little bit irritated that I'm still waiting for a card from one bank. But at least I have access to my money again. I've changed my name and payment details with online sites such as Amazon, ebay, Beatport, Juno, Smashwords, and other places where I spend money on a regular basis. But the only one that's causing me a major problem is PayPal. They won't accept me t
  • JayM

Everyone's so nice at work!

It can't last forever, surely? Two days ago, I composed an email to be sent out to selected people at work. I was going to send it out myself but then my mentor (I call her that, because she's been helping me a lot) suggested it might be better if the email was sent by my manager, with a few words from him to show he's supporting me. So I sent my composed email to him along with a list of people that I wanted him to send it to, and he wrote a very nice intro to it and sent it for me. Almost imme
  • JayM

Waiting for reactions that didn't come

Yesterday I went to three different banks to ask for a name change on their systems. And I went to the bank we have our mortgage with for the same purpose. I had my Deed Poll certificate in a cardboard envelope inside a plastic bag (because it was raining). For some reason I don't want to get that certificate creased or folded yet  but I'm sure the novelty will wear off at some point. Bank number one: I nervously watched the expression of the guy behind the counter as I asked for the name change
  • JayM

Telling almost-strangers

Tomorrow, I'm talking to my team. They know I'm transgender but they don't yet know I'm transitioning. We all work in different locations, so we're a virtual team. I haven't seen two of them since February, one of them since some time last year, and my manager since maybe June. A couple of weeks ago, I hinted, none-too-subtly, to my manager that it might be a good idea if we could all arrange to meet, in the same location (probably London), before the end of this year. I suggested we could make
  • JayM

Unexpected

So, I told my dad and my brother that I am going to transition. There was the expected silence, and then I waffled a little more to fill in the silence, not entirely sure what I was saying but I knew I was rambling. And then I asked if they had anything to say. My dad said, "It's your life and I wouldn't dream of trying to tell you how to live it. Do whatever makes you happy." My brother said nothing, but I did notice he suddenly found the rugby on the television rather fascinating. So I said, "
  • JayM

It's really gonna happen

I had a chat today, with my manager, and we're drawing up a plan of who to tell, how to tell them and when to tell them. It's scarily daunting. It's not only the people I work with, such as my immediate team; it's the people I interact with or the people I see every day. Such as the woman in the restaurant who makes my hazelnut latte each morning, or the guy who delivers parcels to our desks, or the security guards at reception, or the cleaners. Those people don't know me but they see me and the
  • JayM

Weird dream

I was awake before 3 am, having had one of the most disturbing dreams I've had for some time. I didn't get back to sleep; instead I got up and browsed the internet then I read for a while. And now I'm back on the internet. Yesterday was a good day for some reasons and a bad day for other reasons. Good: I got another appointment with the doctor for the end of this week. I got assigned a specialist trans* case worker by our HR department. I bought a train ticket and reserved a room in a posh hotel
  • JayM

Time flies...

I can't believe it's been so long since I last wrote something here. In fact, it's been weeks since I even visited this site. I seem to have got caught up in so much stuff that I've been too busy to spend time on the internet. I've missed it, though. Yesterday was TDOR and I was surprised that our company LGBT network didn't even mention it. They always make a big thing out of IDAHOT and Coming Out Day and the various Pride celebrations around the country and other days that stand out as somethi
  • JayM

Clothes

I've spent a small fortune lately on clothes. And every single thing I've bought, I've loved - and everything has fit me perfectly. Two things about that surprise me. Firstly, when I used to shop for women's clothes, I'd buy something (without trying it on, invariably, because, in bricks and mortar shops, I hated using changing rooms so I didn't use them, and when buying online, you just don't try things on) and I'd get whatever it was home and try it on. And find that it didn't fit. It took me
  • JayM

Busy week, again

Monday morning, first thing, I had an appointment with a GP. Not my GP but one at my practice. She was lovely. She was also not 100% surprised when I told her I was trans and that I wanted her to refer me to a GIC. She said that I was the third person in the past couple of months who had approached her about the same thing. There's more of us around, these days, it seems... Personally, I think it's just people like me, getting braver or at least less scared to poke their head above the parapet.
  • JayM

A Good Day

I logged on here a couple of hours ago to post something, because it's been a few days since I last visited this site. I've been busy at work this week and too lazy to log on in the evenings. And I started reading instead of writing. And then I got totally distracted by a Twitter notification *rolls eyes* Last week, one of my all-time music heroes favourited one of my tweets and I was beside myself with excitement and glee (I know, I'm easily pleased!) Tonight it happened again. Different all-ti
  • JayM

Names

So, I spent a fair amount of time on the web yesterday, researching the various ways I can change my name. While there are some very simple ways to do it, there seems to be one best way that is accepted as 'official' with regards to obtaining a passport and driving licence in the new name, so I reckon I'll have to go with that. And then it got me thinking about names. For years, I thought I would be going for James as my new name. It just seemed like "me". I can't explain it any other way. Then
  • JayM

Phoenix

The avatar image on my profile - here and elsewhere - is a phoenix. I have a reason for that. Well, two reasons. After my mother died, I began to feel freer, more able to express myself. My husband said I changed after she died, and he was right, but not for the reasons he'd assumed. Because my mum was the person who knew, most of my life, what I was frightened to tell others (and I was frightened to tell others because of her), he assumed I had lost an ally when she died. But I hadn't. I didn't
  • JayM

Unconditional Love

Yesterday was a strange day. It was difficult at times but ultimately fulfilling. Trying to avoid yet another argument with my husband, I went online, searching for my own place to live (my husband knows I've been doing this). I found a place that looked great and I called the estate agent to make an appointment to view it (I'm going to see this place today). My husband overheard me making the appointment. I could tell he wasn't impressed so I started a conversation about why I felt I had to mov
  • JayM

Coming Out at Work

After my mother died, I spent a few months feeling guilty and a few months thinking about myself - perfectly selfishly, I realise. I needed to get my head around a few things. At work, the company started to make a big thing of diversity. The law was changing; gay marriage was grabbing all the headlines because it looked as though it was going to be legalised in the UK. Trans issues were also hitting the headlines. A few high profile sportsmen had come out as gay. The whole LGBT+ thing was out
  • JayM

My Parents

The manner of my mother’s death was one that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It was hard to watch her go and it was a terrible, evil disease that took her. Her death changed me. My husband noticed almost immediately that I had changed, but he didn't know the reason why I changed. He probably thought I was devastated. I was devastated at first, but that wasn't the whole story. The reality is I felt relief after she had gone. And then I felt incredibly guilty for feeling relieved. The relief
  • JayM

Relationships

My first relationship was with a girl. At the time, I told myself that it was alright to be with a girl; in fact, I was supposed to be with a girl, because inside I wasn't a girl. I never told her that, though. During my teenage years, I convinced myself it would be okay if everyone thought I was a lesbian. It was preferable to the truth. I looked female and, if I was with a female, I could play the more masculine role in the relationship. And I did. It was only years later that I realised that
  • JayM

My Body and My Mind

I haven’t had very much sex in my life. Not compared to others. I haven’t had many partners. I don’t like having sex. I don’t like my body. In fact, I hate my body and everything it stands for. For me, it’s just wrong. I don’t like to be photographed. I don’t like to look at photos if I'm in them. I don’t like to see myself in the mirror. I don’t like people looking at me. I don’t like people to see my body and I don’t like people to touch my body. My body is a constant reminder of the fact th
  • JayM

'Feminine' Traits

My feminine traits. They’re non-existent. Not that I haven’t tried. Over the years, I’ve attempted to be feminine, mostly for the benefit of my mother. After the trip to the doctor, where he suggested my mother should actively encourage female activities, take me out shopping for dresses, do stuff that mothers and daughters are supposed to do, that’s what she did. I went along with my mother’s wishes for a while, although it was plain to both of us that I wasn’t enjoying any of it. She kept it u
  • JayM

Early Years and Discoveries

It wasn’t until I was seven years old that I had it pointed out to me that I was different. Prior to that, I had never considered myself to be anything other than a happy child who played with all the boys who were my friends, and I enjoyed life. I hadn’t ever consciously thought there was anything odd about the fact that all my friends were boys, just as I hadn’t ever consciously thought that I didn’t behave like a typical girl. Looking back, I know now that it could have seemed odd to others b
  • JayM

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